The Official Bad Puns Topic

What's a dancer's favourite month?
De Samba.

Which of the four natural elements always gets stuck in the past?

Air, because it always rewinds the good old times.

Legendary singer James Brown announced an ambitious new concert tour in Asia to promote his new album, but left South Korea off the itinerary. When asked, his agent replied that it would have been redundant since the country already had Seoul.

Some guy got angry at me and tossed a dead turkey in my direction. He should have known that it's rude to flip a bird at someone.

Did you know Mendez had a car accident in the highway's curve?

Oh dear, is he fine?

Yes, but he's really mad because this happened right after he approved his license course.

What might have happened? Those curves weren't too steep.

Perhaps he didn't catch the drift.

What do you call it when someone dies by spilling vitriol on themselves?
An acid trip.

This just in, LSD minefields have been discovered just north of Woodstock, NY. The locals have nicknamed these bizarre locations tripping hazards.

Once upon a time, there was a man who was really good at the violin. Sadly, he went deaf over time, and wasn't able to fully appreciate the songs he wrote. In spite of also losing his sight and touch, he continued to play for those who were willing to listen. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, for he wouldn't be able to hear or see the fans who used to flock to his performances now ridiculing him with unheard-of vitriol. One newspaper editorial had the harshest criticism of all: "Together, we must decry this senseless violinist."

Man, it's too bad Chad Kroeger didn't play as a fifth defensive back for a(n American) football team. We could have had a Nickelback nickelback.

The K in "knut", one of the three currencies in Harry Potter, is not silent. Upon learning this, you could say that I knut handle it anymore.

edited 9th Jan '18 6:28:48 PM by TroperNo9001

So, there's this weird mutation specific to the northeastern United States that results in an extra gland - it excretes a previously unknown chemical that appears to cause a taste for Dunkin' Donuts and renders one unable to pronounce words that end in "r" properly. They named it after the scientist who discovered it, Dr. Newen: the Newen Gland

Size and physiology aside, what's the key difference between a bear and a bee?

The bee has no ear, unlike the bear. Hence, b.

If you threw a bag of marbles at the feet of a drug dealer as he was trying to outrun the cops, would he be tripping balls?

I was looking at product reviews of Nair online when I noticed one really scathingly negative one where the reviewer told horror stories about it damaging their skin. However, it turned out the effects they described weren't possible, and they were connected to a competing company - they were just an unreliable Nair rater

^note This was actually toned down in terms of painfulness - I first thought of doing one about a story where all kinds of unlikely things happen to the main character, and then at the very end it turns out they were just hallucinating from eating depilatory cream, making them an "unreliable Nair eater"

edited 17th Jan '18 10:59:51 PM by MikeK

The German economy was suddenly hit today after simultaneous drops in the price of stock in the dairy and meat product industries.

Officials, however, have reassured the public that this crisis will be averted before it becomes a Wurst-Käse scenario.

I heard a truly bad dad joke double pun from a little while ago, so naturally I'm spreading it everywhere I can.

• Q: Why does Peter Pan fly everywhere instead of walking?
• A: Because he never lands!

But the best part about that joke is that it never gets old!

Q: Why do Jedi make for bad cops?

A: They're always using excessive Force!

... thanks, Wil

edited 21st Jan '18 6:06:57 PM by TheWanderer

This one is really bad, hence why I'm putting it here.

Why does Ethan dislike high fantasy movies?

Because he feels they drag on.

I don't like Sheldon Cooper because I feel like his social misadventures come more from being an idiot rather than some kind of mental disorder. Speaking of that, it comes across more like Super OCD and Lawful Stupid rather than the intended defect. You could say that I think his characterisation was half-Asped.

I wasn't sure whether Queen Victoria was being humble or irritated at my mentioning that thanks to her I had come up with some ideas for my new novel. All I know is, she said, "We are not a muse."

In Fallout 4, if you play the female character with her default name, sooner or later the game will devolve into an adventure with "a great deal of banter and witty dialogue, along with copious amounts of alcohol", namely, The Tin Man, starring Nick and Nora.

What do you get when you cross Donkey with an insect character from Kung Fu Panda?

A braying mantis.

Certain companies that offer horse and carriage rides for tourists have been testing out this robotic coachman - in theory it's cheaper than paying a person to do the job, and it's hoped that the novelty and Steampunk aesthetic will bring in more customers. So far there are some kinks to work out - they haven't quite worked out the speech synthesis, so the coachman can sound very raspy and thus be difficult to understand... More importantly, there are a lot of undetected programming errors that have been causing accidents. So, fittingly, the robot coachman is a little hoarse and buggy.

What do you call a magnetic deer?

A stagnet

Q: What do you call a motionless deer?

A: STAG-nant.