I will now spoil every Godzilla film

Obviously, don't read unless your want your Godzilla spoiled. Or if you don't care. They all end pretty much in the same way, anyway.

Gojira (1954) Nuclear testing wakes up Godzilla. And then he sinks some fishing boats. And then a dude with the eyepatch invents the Oxygen Destroyer, but he's afraid to use it because he fears that it will become a destructive weapon of mass destruction. Despite the fact that it only works underwater. And then Godzilla goes to Tokyo. And then he fights the military. And then he burns down Tokyo. And then the government convinces Mr. Eyepatch to use the Oxygen Destroyer on Godzilla. So he does. And he sacrifices himself in the process so that the secret of the Oxygen Destroyer will die with him.

Godzilla, King of the Monsters! (1956) Same shit, only Raymond Burr watches it all and comments on it. The End.

Godzilla Raids Again, a.k.a. Gigantis: The Fire Monster (1956) Another Godzilla shows up out of nowhere. And so does Anguirus. And then they fight. And then they go to Osaka. And then they fight some more. And then Godzilla rips Anguirus' throat out. And then he swims to an iceberg. And then the air force bombs the shit out of the iceberg and buries Godzilla in an avalanche.

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962) A pharmaceutical company goes to an island and captures King Kong. And then Godzilla breaks out of the iceberg. And then Godzilla goes to Tokyo. And then the government drops King Kong on top of Godzilla so that he will fight him. And he does. And then they tumble into the ocean. And then Kong goes home.

Mothra vs. Godzilla a.k.a. Godzilla vs. the Thing (1963) A giant egg shows up on a beach. And then Mothra shows up. And then Mothra’s fairy twins tell Japan to give the egg back. And then Godzilla bursts out of the ground. And then Mothra fights Godzilla. And then Mothra dies. And then the egg hatches into caterpillar twins. And then they cocoon Godzilla. And then they dump him in the ocean.

Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964) A princess gets possessed by a Martian. And then she warns that Ghidorah is coming. And then Ghidorah comes. And then Godzilla and Rodan show up. And then Mothra talks to them (!) and convinces them to fight Ghidorah. So they do. And Ghidorah flies away.

Invasion of Astro-Monster a.k.a. Godzilla vs. Monster Zero (1965) Aliens from Planet X tell Earth that Ghidorah gave up fucking with Earth and is fucking with their planet instead. So Earth lets Planet X borrow Godzilla and Rodan to fight Ghidorah. And then Godzilla kicks Ghidorah’s ass. And then he dances. And then Planet X mind controls Godzilla and Rodan and sends all three monsters back to Earth. And then humans break the mind control. And then the monsters fight. The End.

Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster a.k.a. Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966) A bunch of people steal a boat to find a kid’s shipwrecked brother. They land on an island controlled by James Bond villains. And it’s guarded by Ebirah. They find Godzilla sleeping on the island. So they wake him up. And then Godzilla kills all the bad guys. And then he rips Ebirah’s arm off. And then Mothra carries everyone off the island. And then the island blows up.

Son of Godzilla (1967) Scientists are testing a Weather-Control Machine on an island populated by giant bugs. And then they find an egg. And the egg hatches into Minilla. And then three Kamacuras show up and start beating the shit out of Minilla. And then Godzilla shows up to defend his new son. And he kills the Kamacuras. And then he kills a Kumonga, too. And then the scientists activate the weather control machine and freeze the island. And Godzilla and Minilla huddle together for warmth.

Destroy All Monsters (1968) Aliens mind control all of Earth’s monsters. And they start wrecking shit. And then humans break the mind control. And then the aliens decide “Fuck it, let’s just send in Ghidorah”. So they do. But Ghidorah is on his own facing all of Earth’s monsters. So he gets killed. The End.

All Monsters Attack a.k.a. Godzilla’s Revenge (1969) A kid is picked on by bullies. And then he daydreams about being with Minilla on Monster Island. And then they watch lots of Stock Footage. And then the audience retches. And then Gabara does the dumbest thing on Earth and bites Godzilla. So Godzilla kicks Gabara’s ass. And then the audience retches some more. And then the kid gets kidnapped. And then he escapes. And then he fights his bullies. Because the moral of this story is that if you’re bullied, use violence.

Godzilla vs. Hedorah a.k.a. Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster (1970) The Earth’s pollution turns into Hedorah, a monster that is literally made of shit. Hedorah then skeletizes a bunch of people. And then Godzilla shows up and fights Hedorah. And then he pulls a pair of inexplicable balls out of Hedorah. And then he flies. And then he kills Hedorah.

Godzilla vs. Gigan a.k.a. Godzilla on Monster Island (1971) An artist finds out that his employers are killer space cockroaches. And then they bring Ghidorah and Gigan to take over the Earth. And Godzilla somehow knows this. So he speaks English to Anguirus. And then they swim to Japan. And they fight Ghidorah and Gigan. And then Gigan makes Godzilla bleed. And then they pussy out and leave.

Godzilla vs. Megalon (1972) The Seatopians are pissed off at the surface world. So they send Megalon up to fuck shit up. And then someone builds Jet Jaguar. And Jet Jaguar somehow programs itself to sizeshift. And then Godzilla arrives. And then the Seatopians borrow Gigan. And then Godzilla and Jet Jaguar fight Megalon and Gigan. And then Gigan decides “fuck this shit” and leaves Megalon to fight the two alone. And then Godzilla does a flying jump kick. The End.

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla a.k.a. Godzilla vs. the Bionic Monster a.k.a. Godzilla vs. the Cosmic Monster (1973) Godzilla goes back to wrecking cities. And then another Godzilla appears. And then they fight. And then the bad Godzilla reveals himself to be Mechagodzilla. Who was built by evil gorillas from space. And then a lady sings for ten straight minutes to King Caesar. And then King Caesar wakes up. And then King Caesar and Godzilla fight Mechagodzilla. And then Godzilla rips Mechagodzilla’s head off.

Terror of Mechagodzilla (1974) A scientists theorizes about an aquatic dinosaur named Titanosaurus that survived extinction. Everyone else laughs at him. Because mutant radioactive dinosaurs, killer space cockroaches, three-headed alien dragons, and robotic dinosaurs with finger missiles are normal, but an aquatic dinosaur that survived extinction is plain ridiculous. So the scientist takes revenge by joining the evil space gorillas and mind controlling Titanosaurus. And Titanosaurus and Mechagodzilla fight Godzilla. And lose.

The Return of Godzilla a.k.a. Godzilla 1985 (1984) Godzilla comes back after thirty years. And he stomps Tokyo. Again. And Japan deploys the Super X against him. And the Soviets launch a nuke at Godzilla. And then the Super X kills Godzilla. But the Soviet nuke revives him. And then they lure Godzilla to a volcano. And then they drop him in. And Siskel and Ebert call it a bad movie.

Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989) Terrorists free Godzilla from the volcano. And then they kill a scientist’s daughter. And then the scientists crosses rose cells with Godzilla cells to create Biollante. And then Godzilla fights Biollante. And Godzilla kills Biollante. And then Biollante disintegrates.

Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991) Time travelers arrive in Japan. And then they go back to 1944. And then they move Godzilla before he can be mutated. And they leave three Dorats behind. And the Dorats mutate into King Ghidorah. And he starts blowing up Japan. But Godzilla mutates anyway. And then he comes back and kills King Ghidorah. And then Godzilla starts blowing up Japan. And then they rebuild King Ghidorah as Mecha King Ghidorah. And then Mecha-King Ghidorah drops Godzilla into the ocean.

Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle for Earth a.k.a. Godzilla vs. Mothra (1992) Mothra is the guardian of humanity. Battra is the guardian of Earth. Battra views humanity as a threat to Earth, and so tries to destroy humanity. Mothra fights back. And then Godzilla shows up. Mothra and Battra agree that Godzilla is a threat to both Earth and humanity, so they team up and carry Godzilla to the ocean. Mothra then goes into space to stop an asteroid from destroying Earth.

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (1993) Mecha-King Ghidorah is salvaged and rebuilt as Mechagodzilla. Godzilla and Rodan fight over an egg. The Japanese steal the egg and bring it back to Tokyo. It hatches into Little Godzilla. Godzilla and Rodan show up in Tokyo where they fight Mechagodzilla. Mechagodzilla kills Rodan, then gets blown up by Godzilla. And then Godzilla takes Little Godzilla and leaves.

Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla (1994) Godzilla cells end up in space, either from Biollante or Mothra. And then they get sucked into a black hole. And then they mutate into SpaceGodzilla. And then SpaceGodzilla arrives at Earth to kill Godzilla. And then Mechagodzilla is salvaged and rebuilt yet again into MOGUERA. And then the three have a three way battle. And then MOGUERA gets blown up. And then Godzilla blows up the crystals on SpaceGodzilla’s shoulders. The End.

Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995) Godzilla’s heart starts to go meltdown. And then a bunch of Precambrian crustaceans get mutated by the Oxygen Destroyer. And then they fuse into Destoroyah. And then Godzilla, Godzilla Jr., and Destoroyah fight. And then Destoroyah kills Godzilla Jr. And then the military kills Destoroyah in a first. And then Godzilla blows up. And then Godzilla Jr. is revived and takes his father’s place.

Godzilla (1998) A mutated iguana swims to the Big Apple, eats a bunch of fish, then dies.

Godzilla 2000 (1999) A meteorite is discovered. The meteorite mysteriously begins flying. And then it turns out that the meteorite is a prehistoric UFO. And then Godzilla fights the UFO. And then a squiddy Millennian comes out of the UFO. And then the Millennian mutates into Orga. And then Orga tries to swallow Godzilla. And then Godzilla blows up Orga from the inside.

Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000) Japan builds the Dimension Tide to fight Godzilla. They test fire a black hole out of it. And then a prehistoric dragonfly flies through and lays an egg. And then the egg hatches into Meganulon and they swarm Tokyo. And then Megaguirus appears. And then Megaguirus fights Godzilla. And then Godzilla kills Megaguirus. The End.

Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001) Godzilla is resurrected by the souls of the dead from World War II. And then Mothra, Baragon, and King Ghidorah wake up to fight Godzilla. And then Godzilla kills them all. And then a brave General drills a hole in Godzilla with a submarine. And then Godzilla blows up. But his still beating heart survives.

Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla The original Godzilla’s skeleton is salvaged and built into Mechagodzilla, which is called Kiryu for some strange reason. And then Godzilla shows up. And then they fight. The End.

Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003) Mothra and her fairy twins show up. They tell Japan to return Kiryu’s bones to the ocean. And then Godzilla shows up. And they all fight. Godzilla gets dropped in the ocean. Again.

Godzilla: Final Wars (2004) Xillians mind control all of Earth’s monsters. And then Godzilla kills them all. And there’s some kung fu, as well. The End.

edited 13th Oct '11 8:52:58 AM by RL_Nice

At least I know now what order to watch them in.

Add Throw the Dog a Bone for the JDF killing Destroyah.

You know, it would have been a lot faster if you'd just said: Godzilla wakes up, fights monster; destroys city.

And Japanese military. Then wanders back to the sea.

I consider the military more of an 'icing on the cake' thing. The buildings are more fun.

Thanks, Good thing ive seen most of them

Godzilla (1998) A mutated iguana swims to the Big Apple, eats a bunch of fish, then dies.

Then Jean Reno and Ferris Beuller find some eggs, they hatch and then the babies get blown-up, then the iguana (who somehow survived being killed the first time?) chases a taxi cab and gets killed... again.