Funny kid stories

One time, when I was five or six, a boy in my class yelled, for no reason, "OW! You stood on my penis!".

When I was about eleven or twelve, a younger kid pointed to my chest and asked me why girls have boobs. I didn't want to explain it to him, of course, so I just changed the subject.

"Did you know that penguins are projectile poopers? I do now... and so does everyone at the pancake house my 6 year old and I went to." -my mom when I was that age

Yes, I vaguely remember saying that penguins are projectile poopers in the middle of a pancake house. Not sure exactly how loudly I said it, and I do think it had something to do with the current conversation, but I had (and to some extent still have) No Social Skills and didn't realize why that was inappropriate for the current situation.

(I guess I learned my lesson, though, because in late March this year we were visiting a zoo together - we got breakfast first, and I was telling my mom about some of the animals at the zoo that we were visiting. This particular zoo has bonobos, and my mom asked if I could tell her some things about them... I skillfully avoided telling her that bonobos, uh, really get around while we were in the middle of a breakfast diner. That ended up being something she figured out later.)

Back in... somewhere around summer 2017, if I remember correctly, my mom and I went to the local fair. When we were on the bus getting home, there was a little kid near us who said "I wish I could stay here forever" - when her dad asked "Then where would you sleep?", she replied "The bus."

What my mom and I most remember from this, though, is that the kid had some kind of trumpet/noisemaker toy that she presumably won from one of the carnival games. The kid's dad said something like "If you don't appreciate that toy enough, I may have to take it away from you", and the kid replied "No, no, Daddy! I preeshate it! I preeshate it!"

As my mom put it, it's like the kid was thinking "I will say anything to make sure I keep this toy!" (even if she doesn't know what the word "appreciate" is)

To this day, "I preeshate it!" is a Running Gag in my household. Sometimes, we've wondered if the family we heard it from still remembers this incident or not...

Once, when I was a kid, my mother and I took a walk, and we passed a cemetery. My mother said that cemeteries reminded her of how my father always tips his hat when he walks past one, but when I wrote about it later in my diary, it sounded... a lot different.

Edited by Unicorndance on Oct 2nd 2023 at 1:10:43 AM

Several people who are in the recital I'm doing have been bringing their kids (and there are also several kids who are going to be in it), so of course this is expected.

The director of the recital in particular has two kids who are about preschool-aged. One day, one of them came into the room and - when asked what his name was - responded "Elmo!" (we all had a "Sure, Let's Go with That" response)

Once when I was about five, my parents and I were staying with my mother's friend, her husband, and their then-baby son. The other mother kept kissing the baby, which I found gross, leading to this conversation:

Her: (kissing the baby) "Oh, you're so kissable!"

Me: "Stop kissing him!"

Her: "He's just too kissable!"

Me: "That's not even a word!"

Once when we were maybe 10 or 11, we were in the cafeteria eating our lunches and my friends were peeling an orange to the song "It's getting hot in here...so take off all your clothes!"

"The Pie Thief, he's back again."

"The Pie Thief, he's in his lair."

"It's the Pie Thief in his lair under the sea..."

Edited by ChicoTheParakeet on Oct 2nd 2023 at 3:01:30 PM

Apparently when I was 6 I asked my mom "Do you know where my homonym flash cards are? I wanna teach some to Bananas, my monkey."

I'm pretty sure Bananas the monkey might have been an Imaginary Friend of mine.

A few years ago, my dad and I went to the Museum of Science and Industry together. MSI has various items displayed on the staircases that relate to other exhibits, such as machinery, and on one of the staircases are some plastic models demonstrating each body system.

Well, we were using that particular staircase at the same time as some random kid, who was saying "Ew, gross! Disgusting people!" (Hopefully, he was referring to the anatomy models instead of my dad and I).

When I was in middle school, I was teaching a group of kids how to do various taekwondo blocking techniques, and when I was done demonstrating it, I asked the kids if they had any questions.

The only question I got was "Are you a boy or a girl?".

My friend thought it was hilarious when I told her this the day after.

Edited by MagmaTeaMerry on Oct 6th 2023 at 10:16:20 AM

One of my weirdest memories from school is the time one of my classmates randomly exclaimed "Itchy butt, itchy butt!", and then when the teacher came over to him (for unrelated reasons), he asked her "Ms. (teacher), do you ever have an itchy butt?"

The teacher just went on with asking him whatever she was meaning to ask, which I think was something like "Are you doing your work?"

I might add that this was in middle school, and the kid in question was about 14. No, really.

I pictured a kindergartener, maybe 1st grader when I started reading that. 14? Wow.

There were some moments from folks I knew in middle/high school that really feel like they could've been done/said by younger kids as well. It was... a confusing time for many of us.

Wow, I'm shocked she didn't give him detention for asking such a personal question.

A random kid at my elementary school once asked me what boobs were. I did not know how to explain it to him.

During my family Christmas gathering today, one of my younger cousins had to be asked to stop howling at the moon. He also mentioned getting "Krusty Krab food" for Christmas (to quote my older cousin: "They gave you the secret recipe?!"). A different one of my younger cousins came to the gathering dressed as Batman, and yet another one of them had to be asked to stop biting a chair. I have a lot of younger cousins and they're all in the "chaos" phase.

Another Christmas-related story involving kids being funny - earlier this month, I was in a Christmas recital. There was a group of kids who sang "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" while wearing antler headbands, and of course it was cute. After they went backstage, they found some Finding Nemo toys, and started putting their antlers on each of the toys while saying some variant of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed ____" (at one point it was "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Dory", for instance).

Not so much "funny", but a mixture of kinda heart-warming and very morbid, as is common with five-year-olds. My kid came to the realization that parenthood isn't like a job, that I am forever a father and can never stop being one, even when dead.

"You're going to be a dad forever, even in Heaven. You don't get to quit."

This then led to big philosophical thoughts on mortality and a sense of abandonment, as I will most likely die long before my child. Now my kid is actively wishing for the entire family to die at the same time, so nobody gets left behind alone. Sounds really grim, but my kid frequently speaks in Little Professor Dialog so it was all expressed very adorably, with me being the one getting comforted for dying so soon.

When my cousin and I were kids, we were making something in Minecraft or The Sims or something, or possibly drawing, and she said, "I'll add some dolphins — some dolphins, hahaha!" and I still don't get the joke.

I remember when my friend and I were put in the same fieldtrip group when we went to some museum. We both bought some stuffed birds at the gift shop which made bird calls, and spent not just that trip but a while afterward having these bird calls as a weird inside joke.

On a less funny but more cute note, he also bought me a big panda for my birthday because I had wanted one so badly from that gift shop.

^^ Maybe the joke is that she was actually going to add a very large amount of dolphins.

When I was about five or six, the teacher played "Colonel Hathi's March". Two students argued over whether one lyric was "One, two, three, four" or "Hut, two, three, four". (They were both wrong — it's "Hup, two, three, four.")

When I was about 7/8, I wanted an alternative to the phrase "What the heck", so one morning when my dad said something to me, I shouted "What the balls?!"

Dad laughed his ass off. Mom was less amused and scolded me, but she didn't tell me why it was "inappropriate".

Gotta love when kids get punished for things that, to them, appear totally random.

The other day, I overheard a kid at the zoo saying "Dad, stop being such a weiner!" while asking his dad to go along with something that he wanted to do. It's already becoming an inside joke in my family.