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Warp That Aesop / The Good Place

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  • It doesn't matter how good you are. If you're not an outright messiah, you're going to Hell anyway.
  • Adhering to any one philosophy or Character Alignment makes you either evil, stupid, miserable or all of the above.
  • Humans are the center of the universe and every other sentient being in the universe revolves their entire eternal lives around our happiness or unhappiness.
  • Taste is objective. Liking or disliking certain media or food is a moral act and not liking the right things makes you a bad person.
  • Whoever wrote the objective moral laws of the universe is a racist.
  • All Crimes Are Equal in the eyes of higher beings.

    Season One 
"Most Improved Player"
  • Don't be a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan or else you're a bad person.
  • Don't take your shoes off while in an airplane or else you're a bad person.
  • Don't have a custom license plate or else you're a bad person.
"Michael's Gambit"
  • Hosting charities and making the world a better place means absolutely nothing if you don't really mean it.

    Season Two 
"The Trolley Problem"
  • Don't be French or else you're a bad person. Even just being born in France is a moral failing on your part and you'll be tortured in Hell for it.
"Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent"
  • Don't floss at your work-space or else you're a bad person.
  • If you're caucasian, don't get dreadlocks or else you're a bad person.

    Season Three 
  • Don't have a Themed Wedding or else you're a bad person, especially if it's Lord of the Rings themed.
  • Make sure to die before the Age of Colonization or else you're a bad person.
"The Book of Dougs"
  • Don't buy flowers in the 21st century or else you're a bad person.
"Chidi Sees the Time-Knife"
  • Don't eat chicken sandwiches or else you're a bad person.
  • Capitalism is the source of all evil and suffering in the universe.
  • Don't waste your life trying to get into heaven... because globalism is sending you to hell.
"The Solution"
  • Boy Band managers are equally as evil as serial killers and dictators.

    The Selection 
"The Mission"
  • White musicians who ever did a "semi-ironic cover" of a rap song are just as bad as serial killers and dictators.
"The Candidates"
  • Comic Book Critics are equally a bad as cult-leaders and animal poachers.
  • Don't have a TikTok account or else you're a bad person.

    Season Four 
"A Chip Driver Mystery"
  • Humanity sucks baaad!
  • Refusing to tolerate another person's intolerance makes you equally intolerant.
  • Don't be a Baby-Boomer or else you're a bad person.
  • Tech nerds changing the charger-shape on the newest cellphones are equally immoral to warmongers, Serial Killers, and Anti-Vaxxers.
"The Funeral to End All Funerals"
  • If you're an amoral jerk, don't worry about changing on Earth. Maybe when you die, you'll eventually be a major component in saving humanity in the afterlife.
  • People are never satisfied.
  • You know you picked the short straw of universes when the fact that Heaven's unrelenting perfection makes you just as miserable as being tortured in Hell.

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