Warp That Aesop / The Good Place

General

• It doesn't matter how good you are. If you're not an outright messiah, you're going to Hell anyway.
  • It's literally impossible to get into Heaven, so don't bother trying to be a good person.
• Adhering to any one philosophy or Character Alignment makes you either evil, stupid, miserable or all of the above.
  • Good Is Dumb.
• Humans are the center of the universe and every other sentient being in the universe revolves their entire eternal lives around our happiness or unhappiness.
• Taste is objective. Liking or disliking certain media or food is a moral act and not liking the right things makes you a bad person.
• Whoever wrote the objective moral laws of the universe is a racist.
• All Crimes Are Equal in the eyes of higher beings.
• Higher Understanding Through Drugs is completely true, and knowledge from this makes you a better person than charity work or philosophical study does.
• Dying isn't the end of your existence, but it's the end of your human rights.^note Even if the system is a lot better by the end of the series, the afterlife is still an undemocratic bureaucracy that treats freedom as a privilege to be earned, rather than an inherent right of all sentient beings.

Season One

"Most Improved Player"

• Don't be a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan or else you're a bad person.
• Don't take your shoes off while in an airplane or else you're a bad person.
• Don't have a custom license plate or else you're a bad person.

"Michael's Gambit"

• Hosting charities and making the world a better place means absolutely nothing if you don't really mean it.

Season Two

"The Trolley Problem"

• Don't be French or else you're a bad person. Even just being born in France is a moral failing on your part and you'll be tortured in Hell for it.

"Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent"

• Don't floss at your work-space or else you're a bad person.
• If you're caucasian, don't get dreadlocks or else you're a bad person.

Season Three

"Janet(s)"

• Don't have a Themed Wedding or else you're a bad person, especially if it's Lord of the Rings themed.
• Make sure to die before the Age of Colonization or else you're a bad person.

"The Book of Dougs"

• Don't buy flowers in the 21st century or else you're a bad person.

"Chidi Sees the Time-Knife"

• Don't eat chicken sandwiches or else you're a bad person.
• Don't waste your life trying to get into heaven... because globalism is sending you to hell.

"The Solution"

• Boy Band managers are equally as evil as serial killers and dictators.

The Selection

"The Mission"

• White musicians who ever did a "semi-ironic cover" of a rap song are just as bad as serial killers and dictators.

"The Candidates"

• Comic Book Critics are equally a bad as cult-leaders and animal poachers.
• Don't have a TikTok account or else you're a bad person.

Season Four

"A Chip Driver Mystery"

• Humanity sucks baaad!
• Refusing to tolerate another person's intolerance makes you equally intolerant.
• Don't be a Baby-Boomer or else you're a bad person.
• Tech nerds changing the charger-shape on the newest cellphones are equally immoral to warmongers, Serial Killers, and Anti-Vaxxers.

"The Funeral to End All Funerals"

• If you're an amoral jerk, don't worry about changing on Earth. Maybe when you die, you'll eventually be a major component in saving humanity in the afterlife.

"Patty"

• People are never satisfied.
• Gaining a fresh experience after an eternity is wrong!
• You know you picked the short straw of universes when Heaven's unrelenting perfection makes you just as miserable as being tortured in Hell.

"Whenever You're Ready"

• Happiness is boring. The only way to find peace is by killing yourself.
• If you wish for it really hard, you can change your species.