Quotes / Cut Himself Shaving

Tyler Durden: [To a doctor treating Narrator's wounds] He fell down some stairs.
Narrator/Jack: I fell down some stairs.

— Fight Club

Lucio: I have to check in with Reyes! I'm already late, he's going to know that something is wrong.
Michael: Fine, call him. You broke your foot walking down the stairs at the mall, you forgot to call.
Lucio: ...? Broke my foot? I didn't break my foot.
[Fiona stomps on his foot, cracking it. Cue screams]
Michael: There you go.

—Burn Notice, "Hard Bargain"

Comm. Braden: Where did you get those bruises?
Gunter: From a bar fight.
Comm. Braden: There was no alcohol in your system.
Gunter: It was a juice bar.

— Bullet in the Face

Rayne: I fell down some stairs.
Noel: No he didn't. I beat the shit out of him with a smile on my face.

— Least I Could Do

Francine: Wow, Jeff's really changed.
Haley: Isn't it great? I don't know what's gotten into him but he has gotten so strong and primal, like a cave man. I wonder if he'll hit me? But only because he really loves me.
Francine: And sometimes you do talk to much.
Haley: Yes, yes I do.
Francine: Ooo, we could say you walked into a door.
Haley: That's perfect. Thanks, mom.

— American Dad!, "Bullocks to Stan"

Reporter: And then, just recently, Mr. Cleaver, the government's nuclear advisor.
Margaret: Slipped on an icy patch.
Reporter: He was decapitated!
Margaret: It was a very icy patch.

— Doctor Who, "Boom Town"

Kryten: (Removing the mask of Spitting Image Ronald Reagan) But if people see my face, what are they going to think?
Rimmer: Tell them you had an accident.  Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out.

Red Dwarf, "Backwards"

Oh, my little pretty one, I touch myself
I touch myself
And everywhere I look I always find myself aside myself
I think I'm all together
But I tear myself apart
Because I cut myself
I cut myself
I cut myself
I cut myself
Shaving!

— Talkshow Boy - I Cut Myself

"All right, Frank, let's recap, shall we? You slipped and fell onto a shiv. Then you got up and fell backwards onto another shiv. And finally one last shiv fell from the ceiling and into your body. I'm gonna go out on a limb here: I think you got shivved."

— Det. Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Lou Landers: What happened to your arm?
Rick: Uh... a bike messenger knocked me down. I see your wrist is bandaged.
Lou Landers: Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee. And you have a cut on your lip.
Rick: Uh... my crackpipe broke. You have a scratch on your neck.
Lou Landers: Yes, I... met a girl on Craigslist. And you have a bruise on your neck.
Rick: I... met a guy on Craigslist.

— Superhero Movie

Sundowner: [Reduced to Ludicrous Gibs] I have...a call to make...
Jetstream Sam: [On the other line] Cut yourself shaving?
Sundowner: [Chuckles]...asshole.

— Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance

Elf: [steps out of portal] (a different puppet was used for him than the previous season)

Debbie: What happened to you?!

Elf: Cut myself shaving.

— Yonderland, "Panic in the Streets of Yonderland"

---