Are you ashamed of me?
This is an Armor-Piercing Question that characters might ask in an emotionally tense moment. It tends to show up in romantic relationships but is not restricted to them. There also isn't a set answer that the "accused" could give. Maybe they're a teenager with who doesn't relish the prospect of their partner meeting their Amazingly Embarrassing Parents. A less benign version of this conflict might be a situation where two characters different ethnicities are in a relationship and one of them is worried about racist backlash.
This trope can be particularly applicable to queer couples. Adam and Bob or Alice and Barbara might be not be out in exactly the same way as each other and have asymmetric concerns about coming Out of the Closet, Into the Fire, leading to tension in the relationship. This can also apply if Alice and Bob are in relationship and one of them is trans.
An argument that contains a Shame Accusation might form the basis for a Third-Act Misunderstanding.
Examples:
Fan Works- The Vinyl Scratch Tapes: Vinyl teasingly asks Octavia this when discussing their date, which Octavia insists wasn't a date. Vinyl, leaning into their Belligerent Sexual Tension, goes full Chewing the Scenery and acting like an abandoned lover, much to Octavia's exasperation.
Vinyl: You're ashamed of me, aren't you?
Octavia: Yes. Very.
Vinyl: What happened to the proper lady I knew?!
Octavia: She met you. That's what happened.
Vinyl: [now fake crying] You never look me in the eye anymore!
Films — Live-Action
- Real Genius: Zigzagged. After Mitch suggests he doesn't want to introduce Genki Girl Jordan to his parents, she demands to know if it's because he's ashamed of her.
Mitch: No, them.
Jordan: [understanding] Oh. - Soulmate 2023 features Mi-So going to a fancy restaurant of some fancy hotel with her Childhood Best Friend Ha-Eun. Since Mi-So is poor and can't afford to pay for the food they ordered she has to joke around and suck up to men in suits in the restaurant so they'd give her money or plates. Ha-Eun is embarrassed by this and aggressively asks her if she does this all the time. Mi-So understands that she's ashamed of her and directly asks her so.
Literature
- Romain Gary's La Promesse de L'Aube has a chapter during his military service where his mother goes into Amazingly Embarrassing Parents mode in front of his fellow soldiers and he tries to push her into the taxi, she asks the question she always asks, "So you're ashamed of your old mother, then?" It works and he gives her a hug (giving his squadmates the finger behind her back since they're laughing at the scene), but...
I don't think any son has ever hated his mother more than I did at that moment.
Live-Action TV
- The Big Bang Theory: Sheldon gets his way by threatening to reveal Leonard and Priya's relationship to her parents unless Leonard signs a new Roommate Agreement. Priya freaks out due to her parents' traditional views, which Leonard takes as her being ashamed of him.
- The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:
- In "Not with my Pig you Don't", Philip gets angry at Will for telling a reporter the stories Hattie, Philip's mother, told about "Zeke's" youth, such as the time he ran inside a segregated bathroom, and how his pet pig, Melvin, helped him to become the first non-White winner of the youth farmer award at the county fair. Just as Philip is scolding Will about making public some memories he considers embarrassing, Hattie then scolds Philip for being ashamed if his past.
- In "She ain't Heavy", Will goes out with a heavier girl named Dee Dee that he actually enjoys hanging out with, but doesn't want to take her to the dance, and gets defensive when teased. She calls him out on treating her like something to be ashamed of because she isn't a conventionally attractive thin girl. They do eventually make up over a "Straw"berry joke
- House of Cards (UK): In To Play the King, David Mycroft's boyfriend asks him if he's ashamed of him when he doesn't want to tell anyone about their relationship.
- New Girl: At one early point in their relationship Schmidt and Cece are having sex in the back of Winston's truck, when Winston takes it for a drive. Cece insists that they remain hidden. Schmidt asks Cece if she's ashamed of him. She doesn't hesitate to say yes.
- Vigil (BBC): Kirsten asks Amy if she's ashamed of Kirsten or their relationship when they get into an argument about Amy not introducing Kirsten to her stepdaughter, Poppy.
- Riverdale: Moose asks Kevin if he's ashamed of him early on in their relationship, when Moose is still closeted.
Web Comics
- In Mercy (part two of the Sunstone trilogy), Anne and Laura's relationship starts to fall apart when Laura repeatedly blows up at Anne apologizing to her friends about Laura's erratic behavior and accuses Anne of actually being ashamed of her girlfriend. This is presented (admittedly from Anne's retrospective) as irrational and insecure on Laura's part as it sounds.
- Tripping Over You: Milo accepts his boyfriend Liam keeping their relationship secret at first, but when Liam hides that they're spending time together at all, not merely claiming that they're still just friends, he tells Liam
how hurtful it is to be treated like he's shameful. It inspires Liam to come out to his father.
Milo: You make me less than a friend when you act ashamed of me. When you hide the fact you even know me.
Western Animation
- The Simpsons:
- In "Three Gays of the Condo", Homer discovers an old message from Marge written the night Moe's Tavern opened, chastising him for drinking so much that he made an ass of himself and then got taken to the hospital. This makes Homer feel that she'd always been ashamed of him and go on a trial separation.
Marge: Homer, I'm sorry you saw that, but I was very upset that night.
Homer: Quit changing the subject. How do you feel about me right now?
Marge: Well, I love you, of course. But a lot of things you do still drive me crazy.
Homer: So you mean, our whole marriage, you've just been resenting me behind my back?!
Marge: ...A little bit, yeah. - In "Luca$", when Lisa befriends a budding professional eater named Lucas, Patty and Selma tell Marge that he reminds them of Homer and that girls end up "marrying their fathers". This makes Marge start to question her relationship to Homer, and she tries to turn him into a good influence (without hurting his feelings) by asking him to take his daughter on a date and behave like a gentleman.
Marge: Homer, you can't just do the things you want to do. You have to act like someone you'd want Lisa to marry. If you just act like yourself, she might just—[catches herself] Um... Oh, you know... Hmm...
Homer: She might marry someone like me? [Marge looks at him nervously.] You think that would be bad.
Marge: Homie, I love you. But you can be a challenge, like doing the daily Jumble.
Homer: [offended] Marge, you are comparing me to the most infuriating thing in the newspaper!
- In "Three Gays of the Condo", Homer discovers an old message from Marge written the night Moe's Tavern opened, chastising him for drinking so much that he made an ass of himself and then got taken to the hospital. This makes Homer feel that she'd always been ashamed of him and go on a trial separation.
