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Funny / Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

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"I got a jar of Dirt! I got a jar of Dirt!"
  • When Beckett shows up at the beginning with Will in chains, governer Swann demands to know what he's doing:
    Beckett: (*hands Swann a paper*) The warrant for the arrest of one William Turner.
    Swann: (*reads the paper, looks confused*) This warrant is for Elizabeth Swann.
    Beckett: (*unphased*) Oh, is it? That's annoying, my mistake. Arrest her. (*turns and gets the proper warrant while his men seize Elizabeth*) Ah, here's the one for William Turner!
    • Beckett explains they're to be put to death for aiding "a certain pirate named Jack Sparrow"; Will and Elizabeth immediately and simultaneously reply with "captain!"
  • Pintel points out that Ragetti trying to read the Bible to atone for his sins isn't gonna work because he can't read. "It's the Bible. You get credit for trying."
  • "I've got a jar of dirt!" Made even funnier in that none of the actors aboard the Pearl were told what Johnny Depp would be doing, so their surprised reactions are genuine.
  • The scene where Jack-kebab falls through the bridges. Especially when the tribeswomen just watch for a second, one basically says "Eh, whatever," then they walk away, as if it happens all the time.
    • Before that, when one of the tribesfolk hurls a coconut at him, Jack tries to duck it, and ends up accidentally spearing said coconut on the tip of the bamboo pole that he's tied to. We see him look at what he's done, and then—if you turn the sound up—you hear the ding of a cartoon idea bulb turning on!
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  • When Jack is revealed as the cannibal tribe's apparent chief, he makes a show of examining a tied-up Will, looks to the tribe, and speaks to them in their native tongue. We don't get any subtitles, but we get what he's saying well enough, thanks to interjected English:
    Chieftain Jack Sparrow: *Tribal gibberish* ...Eunuch-y. Snip-snip.
  • Later, when Jack finally makes his escape from the tribe (they were planning to free their "god" from his "fleshy prison" by cooking him alive), he scales the side of his ship, turns back to them, and says triumphantly:
    Jack Sparrow: Alas, my children; this is the day you shall always remember as the day that you almost
    [Huge splash of water hits Jack right in the face.]
    Jack Sparrow: [looking rather put out] ...Captain Jack...Sparrow.
    • After that scene, after giving some rather confusing orders to Gibbs (saying to put some distance between them and the island and heading out to open sea, so long as they keep as close to the shore as possible), Jack adds, looking rather peeved after all he's been through:
      Jack Sparrow: Now, where is that monkey? I want to shoot something.
    • Not to mention the way they all stare at the dog, before chasing him.
  • Jack's first response when Will tells him that Elizabeth's in danger—again.
    Jack: Have you considered keeping a more watchful eye on her; maybe just lock her up somewhere?
  • The tavern fight. Norrington shot someone's bottle, the guy hit someone else and then the band started playing appropriate music so everyone got in on the action. Except for Jack and Gibbs who were quietly leaving.
    • Throughout the fight, Jack swapped hats, trying to replace his lost one. One moment that stands out:
    Two men: *holding a man, intent on throwing him over a guard rail* AAAAAAH!! *stops when Jack steps in front of them*
    Jack: *puts the hat on the carried man and steps aside* Carry on.
    Two men: *resumes the activity* AAAAAAAH!
    • Elizabeth finding Norrington in the thick of the fight. It's about two seconds of an expression that says "What's he doing here?! Oh damn, I need to keep him safe!" and then she joins in on the fight.
  • Elizabeth's reaction to the Mêlée à Trois for the chest between Jack, Will, and Norrington. She even walks sarcastically.
    Elizabeth: This is barbaric! This is no way for grown men to settle... Oh, FINE! Let's just... haul out our swords and start banging away at each other, that will solve EVERYTHING! I'VE HAD IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH WOBBLY-LEGGED... RUM-SOAKED... PIRATES!
    • Made especially hilarious with the audio commentary: According to the writers, everything was going great that day. Then came Keira, sweet little Keira having an absolute meltdown.
  • After Elizabeth's little fit, Pintel and Ragetti walk onto the scene, with the former taking one look at the three-way fight and wondering what set this off. The latter responds with a freakishly accurate summation of each duelist's motivations... which is all the more hilarious because not only would you not expect the Plucky Comic Relief of Those Two Guys to figure it all out, but he wasn't even there when Will ran into his father!
    • Elizabeth pretending to faint, then opening one eye to see if they've stopped to check on her. Made funnier after she resigns herself to watching the duel. Pintel and Ragetti run past at that point and she glances at them, then turns back to the duel... and then jumps up and chases after Pintel and Ragetti.
  • The part where the three are trying to have an honest-to-goodness swordfight on a moving water wheel.
    • The one where the wheel falls over, Will and Norrington stumble out, and Will tries to rush over to Liz and help her... and he's too dizzy to even walk properly.
    • And then there's when Jack is on the inside of the water wheel, grabs the key, and gets a triumphant look on his face... right before a metal bar smacks him in the head, knocking him out of it.
    • And of course, the part where Ragetti, Pintel, and Elizabeth abruptly pause their battle just to stare blankly as the wheel rolls past them, then once it's off-screen they shrug and return to the battle as though nothing had happened.
      • A similar scene shortly afterwards where Elizabeth is struggling to hold off Davy Jones' crew. The water wheel rolls flattens Jones' crew and barely misses Elizabeth, and she and the remaining crew pause to watch the wheel roll to a stop before resuming their fight.
  • One of Davy Jones' crew mates is running with the chest, when Jack throws a coconut and knocks his head off. The head shouts directions to the blind body (about 2 minutes in).
    Hadras: Aiyaaa. Anido. Anido! Follow my voice, follow my voice. To the left... no, turn around. Go to the right. Go—
    [the body rams against a tree]
    Hadras: ...No, that's a tree.
    Jack: Oh, shut it.
    • A little while later, Norrington makes a run for it with the Dead Man's Chest in tow and the crew of the Dutchman in hot pursuit, only to be brought up short by Hadras, who's currently holding his severed head under his arm. After a tense standoff, Norrington simply tosses the Chest at Hadras—who drops his head to grab it—and runs for it; then, Hadras's body and the other crewmembers stroll off, leaving the very annoyed head shouting after them; eventually, it mutters, "Pirates!" then sprouts crab legs to follow them with, grumbling irritably to itself.
  • This gem:
    Will: What about Jack? I won't leave without him!
    Jack: [being chased by cannibals] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    • In the trailer, it was the same thing, but instead, Will said:
    "Never mind! Let's go!"
  • And, when asked, "What vexes all men?"
    Gibbs: Well, the sea!
    Pintel: Sums?
    Ragetti: The dichotomy of good and evil?
    [everyone stares]
    • And then when Jack clarifies that Davy Jones fell in love with a woman:
      Gibbs: No, I heard it was the sea he fell in love with.
      Tia Dalma: Same story! Different versions! And all are true.
  • When they're rowing everyone to the island, Pintel and Ragetti get into an argument about how to pronounce 'kraken' and Ragetti comes out with things about how it's pronounced in the original Scandinavian. Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Norrington are giving each other confused looks that clearly say 'When did he suddenly grow a brain?'
  • Elizabeth, dressed as a guy, finds Jack at Tortuga.
    Elizabeth: Captain Sparrow!
    Jack: Come to join me crew, lad? Welcome aboard!
    Elizabeth: I'm here to find the man I love.
    Jack: [beat] I'm deeply flattered, son, but my first and only love is the sea. [gestures to Gibbs: get rid of him]
    Elizabeth: Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow.
    Jack: Elizabeth! [to Gibbs] Hide the rum!
    • Then Jack turns to her and says, "Those clothes do not flatter you at all. It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin."
    • Watch Gibbs afterward as he quickly tries to drink his flask dry.
    • Just after that, when Jack first meets ex-Commodore Scruffington.
      Jack: You look bloody awful, mate, what are you doing here?
      Norrington: You hired me. I can't help it if your standards are lax.
      Jack: [as immaturely as humanly possible] You smell funny.
    • Earlier, when Elizabeth first ditches her wedding dress for ordinary sailor's clothes on a ship she's stowed away on, the Captain indicates that they have a female stowaway (not a female ghost, as some of the crew believes), and orders the men to find her. . . noting that she's probably naked. At this declaration, the crew all charge off to search the ship, and Elizabeth quickly remembers that she's pretending to be a guy and charges off with them.
  • *peck peck* *peck peck pe-* *BANG!*
    • The way he sticks his arm out of the coffin afterwards and points the gun around like it's a periscope for a submarine just seals it.
  • The part where the crew are trying to scare off the Kraken, only to discover they're short on gunpowder. Will tells them to bring up the rum, and all the crew stop dead in their tracks. After a moment, Gibbs (reluctantly) agrees, and starts crying afterwards. Just before cutting away, you can hear the rest of the crew joining him...
  • The 'three people, two swords' scene at Isla Cruces, right after Elizabeth's freakout (mentioned above). She notices Pintel and Ragetti trying to make off with the chest during the Mêlée à Trois going on between Jack, Will, and Norrington. She chases after them, and when they meet in the forest, she tries to pull out her sword to fight... only to realize that Will, who had arrived unarmed, yanked her sword in order to fight. The awkward Oh, Crap! smile she gives Pintel and Ragetti is priceless. And then Pintel and Ragetti go from advancing menacingly towards an unarmed Elizabeth to passing her both their swords and running away the moment Davy Jones' crew attacks, and the three end up juggling two swords between the three of them while trying to protect the Dead Man's Chest.
    • The scene is replayed later on when Will confronts Pintel and Ragetti, who were trying to steal the chest, pointing his sword at them and grinning menacingly. They reach for their swords to fight... only to remember they gave them to Elizabeth, and give Will the same Oh, Crap! smiles Elizabeth gave them earlier.
  • Moments later, Jack knocks Will out with a rowboat oar.
  • The part where Jack has a jar of dirt and asks everyone to guess what's inside, which predictably achieved Memetic Mutation status and is now the staple meme of this movie.
    • Davy Jones reaction to the jar of dirt is to unleash the Flying Dutchman's cannons.
      Jack: Hard to starboard?
      Elizabeth: HARD TO STARBOARD!
  • The pirates trying to swing the cages to the cliffs.
    • Made even more hilarious with the background music being something one would hear at a carnival.
    • And afterward as they're climbing:
      Will: Come on, men! It'll take all of us to crew the Pearl!
      Leech: Actually, you won't need everyone! About six would do! [stops as he realizes there's six people in each cage: meaning only one group needs to make it to escape] Ohhh... dear.
  • Jack bartering with Tia Dalma.
    Tia Dalma: You know I demand payment.
    Jack: I brought payment. Look! [he shoots Jack the monkey, smiling like a used car salesman] An undead monkey! Top that!
    • And then when Tia Dalma notices Will Turner.
      Tia Dalma: You have a touch of destiny about you, Will Turner.
      Will: You know me?
      Tia Dalma: You want to know me.
      Jack: There'll be no knowing here! We've come for help and we're not leaving without it! (to Tia) I thought I knew you.
      Tia Dalma: Not as well I had hoped.
  • When the Flying Dutchman is submerging, Jones actually uses some of his hair-tentacles to hold his hat in place!


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