Funny / Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

"Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith."

Funny moments in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

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• Jack Sparrow's entrance into Port Royal, standing proudly atop the mast of his ship... which is just a dinghy that's being filled with water as he enters the port, and sinks completely just as he casually walks on the dock.
  • Made all the more funny by the fact that at that moment, the music is blaring the main heroic theme, and not playing to the sheer ridiculousness of it.
  • And, immediately afterwards, "Hold up there, you! It's a shilling to tie your boat up at the dock!" (cut to the mast sticking out of the water next to the dock)
  • He then pays the man three shillings in return for not giving him his name only to steal his coin purse back as he leaves.
• Will accidentally pulling one of the candle fixtures free while waiting for Governor Swann, and quickly having to hide it when one of the domestics walks by.
• Jack meeting Murtogg and Mullroy
  Jack: [Jack has just been ordered to explain why he's aboard the Interceptor and not to lie] Very well, I confess. It is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer my weaselly black guts out.
  Murtogg: I said no lies!
  Mullroy: I think he's telling the truth.
  Murtogg: If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us!
  Jack: Unless he knew you wouldn't believe the truth, even if he told it to you.
• The next time we see them, the three are sitting down on the deck of the Interceptor, Murtogg and Mullroy listening in rapt attention as Jack tells them the story of one of his adventures. We don't see how the situation got to this point, making it funnier.
  Jack: "...and then they made me their chief."
  • Bonus points for how entranced the guards seem in his story.
• Governor Swann gives Murtogg a Death Glare upon seeing him holding Elizabeth's butchered corset after she was rescued. Murtogg immediately hides the garment and points at Jack.
• Will throws a sword at Jack; it pins in the door next to his face and Jack's eyes widen. You can just see him thinking. "I almost died."
  • Weaponless Will pulls a hot iron out of the fire to fight. The donkey lets out a little moan and tries to walk away because Jack had prodded the poor creature with the hot iron.
• Jack getting hit with a bottle after his big sword fight with Will, by the blacksmith John Brown who had slept through the entire fight. As Johnny Depp keeps the same straight face when he falls over.
  • Norrington and some Marines burst in immediately after this and credit said blacksmith for stopping Jack, while Will gets no acknowledgment whatsoever for his heroism.
    Norrington: Good work, Mr. Brown. You've assisted in the capture of a dangerous fugitive.
    Brown: Just doing my civic duty, sir.
• In the attack on Port Royal, Will is confronted by a pirate:
  • This exchange:
    Grapple: Say goodbye! [gets a falling shop sign to the face]
    Will: ...Goodbye.
  • Also this one:
    Jacoby: Hello! [throws a bomb on the ground. It fails to explode. The pirate looks dejected. Will happily reaches for his sword. A second pirate runs past him.]
    Pirate 2: Outta my way, scum! [clubs Will on the head, knocking him out cold]
• During Elizabeth's kidnapping, a cannon-ball comes flying through the window and hits a poor unfortunate soul, knocking him through a door (and down a set of stairs that can be briefly seen behind the door). Elizabeth, Pintel and Ragetti just stare as it flies past them.
• This exchange when Elizabeth is taken aboard The Black Pearl:
  Elizabeth: Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.
  Barbossa: There are a lot of long words in there, miss—we're naught but humble pirates. What is it that you want?
  Elizabeth: I want you to leave and never come back.
  Barbossa: I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
  Elizabeth: (Stunned Silence)
  Barbossa: Means "no".
  • As a bonus, several members of the crew actually do look confused at Barbossa's initial reply, before laughing once he clarifies.
• Jack and Will invading the Interceptor
  Jack: Everyone stay calm, we're taking over the ship!
  Will: Aye, avast! (everyone in the Interceptor laughs. Disapproving Look by Jack.)
• Anytime Jack Sparrow tries to talk to a woman.
  Jack: Scarlett!
  [SLAP]
  Jack: I'm not sure I deserved that...
  Jack: Giselle!
  Giselle: Who was she?
  Jack: What?
  [SLAP]
  Jack: I may have deserved that...
  • Rule of Three comes into play when Jack recognizes one of the members of his new crew:
    Jack: Anamaria!
    [SLAP]
    Will: I suppose you didn't deserve that one either?
    Jack: No, that one I deserved.
    (Anamaria nods harshly.)
• When Jack and Will find Gibbs, the former wakes him up with a bucket of water. After some discussing, Will steps forward and drenches Gibbs with a second bucket.
  Gibbs: Blast, I'm already awake!
  Will: That was for the smell.
  Jack looks at Will approvingly. Gibbs looks furious before instantly transitioning to a "Yeah, fair enough" expression and gesture.
• A lot of what transpires during the scene where Jack and Will meet the new crew assembled by Gibbs.
  Jack Sparrow: Mr. Cotton! Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?! [Cotton is silent] Mr. Cotton! Answer, man!
  Gibbs: He's a mute, sir; poor devil got his tongue cut out! So he's trained the parrot to talk for him. [beat] No one's yet figured how...
  Jack Sparrow: Mr. Cotton's... parrot! Same question.
  Cotton's Parrot: Awk! Wind in yer sails, wind in yer sails.
  Gibbs: Mostly we figure that means "yes".
  Jack Sparrow: Of course it does! (to Will) Satisfied?
  Will: You've proved they're mad.
  • Jack is carrying a banana in this scene. This is never explained.
    • Perhaps it's just his breakfast.
    • It's actually bad luck to have a banana on a boat!
    • That's why Jack carries it. To throw at Barbossa.
• How Jack escaped from the island.
  Will: How did Jack get off the island?
  Gibbs: Well, I'll tell ya. He waded out into the shallows and he waited there three days and three nights, and all manner of sea creatures came, acclimating to his presence. And on the fourth morning, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles, lashed 'em together and made a raft.
  Will: (deadpan) He roped a couple of sea turtles.
  Gibbs: Aye, sea turtles.
  Will: What did he use for rope?
  Gibbs: Ah...
  Jack: Human hair. From my back.
  (Will and Gibbs try not to laugh)
• Pintel and Ragetti inform Elizabeth that if she doesn't agree to have dinner with Barbossa, she'll instead eat with the crew, naked. Intimidating on paper, but what makes it funny is they clearly think this might actually happen, and are sorely disappointed when she doesn't go for it.
• When Elizabeth is having dinner with Barbossa, she tries to eat eloquently but when Barbossa tells her that she doesn't need to do that because there isn't anyone to impress. Elizabeth promptly drops her knife and fork and then gorges herself, while Barbossa looks on in surprise.
• Elizabeth pulls a knife on Barbossa during dinner and stabs him in the chest with it. Barbossa (who is, at this point, immortal) calmly pulls it out, and then asks what Elizabeth was thinking doing such a thing.
  Barbossa: I'm curious. After killin' me, what was it you were plannin' on doin' next?
• The fact that the cursed crew deliberately went out of their way to terrify Elizabeth further by making zombie-like moans and grunts when she first saw their undead forms, even though they're perfectly capable of human speech as skeletons.
  • After slamming the doors to his quarters shut behind a traumatized Elizabeth, Barbossa turns to his men and gives a deep belly laugh. The crew burst out laughing as well. Barbossa's reply? "What are you lookin' at? Back to work!" Cue a bunch of skeletons awkwardly stumbling around and bumping into each other.
• Pintel and Ragetti overturning a chest of what they think is gold, only for a bunch of ladies umbrellas to spill out. Ragetti immediately uses one.
• After building up that Elizabeth will be a blood sacrifice, Barbossa makes just one small cut on the palm of her hand. Elizabeth almost sounds disappointed.
  Elizabeth: That's it?
  Barbossa: Waste not.
• After slicing Elizabeth's hand, Barbossa and his men wait a few seconds and then...nothing. The crew wonders what just happened and if it worked. Barbossa's solution? Whip out his pistol and shoot Pintel with it. Unsurprisingly, the other members of the crew attempt to mutiny against Barbossa because of his failure.
  Koehler: Did it work?
  Ragetti: I don't feel no different.
  Pintel: How do we tell?
  [Barbossa rolls his eyes and shoots Pintel where his heart should be; nothing happens]
  Koehler: You're not dead!
  Pintel: (chuckles) No! (Beat, and his face goes from happy to annoyed) He shot me!
• The pirates' reaction to Jack being alive when they find him after Will knocked him out, leaving him even less focussed than usual.
  Pintel: You're s'posed to be dead!
  Jack: [sounding genuinely confused] Am I not?
  • Looking at the business end of several serious-looking pirate weapons Jack tries to demand parley. But he can't remember the word:
    Jack: Pearly! (winces, that's not it) Perlelilalulela...!
    Pirates: (look confused)
    Jack: (quietly to himself) Parlili... Parsley? Parsnip? Partner? Partner...
    Ragetti: Parley?
    Jack: (brightly) That's the one! Parley. Parley!
    Pintel (gives Ragetti, who looks genuinely proud of himself, a Death Glare) Parley? Damn to the depths whatever muttonhead thought of parley!
    Jack: That'd be the French.
    • The DVD includes a longer improvised version cut from the film:
      Jack: French. Latin-based, of course. Inventors of mayonnaise.
      Pintel: I like mayonnaise!
      Jack: Shame about the French, really. They're obsessed with raisins. Humiliated grapes, really. Think about it! (makes odd gesture)
      Pintel: Don't know.
      Jack: Terrific singers, the French. (whistles) Eunuchs, all of 'em.
      Grapple: That's not right.
      Pintel: I used to date a eunuch.
      Jack: I'll get me coat.
• Jack attempts to negotiate giving Barbossa Will's name in exchange for The Black Pearl:
  Barbossa: So you expect to leave me standing on some beach with nothing but a name and your word it's the one I need and watch you sail away on my ship?
  Jack: No. I expect to leave you standing on some beach with absolutely no name at all, watching me sail away on my ship, and then I'll shout the name back to you. Savvy?
• Barbossa chucking the apple Jack handed him after sending Jack to the brig.
  • And then when he's in the brig during battle: "STOP BLOWIN' HOLES IN MY SHIP!"
• The naval battle scene has the heroes, out of cannon balls, loading their guns with bits and pieces of whatever they had at hand, including forks and knives. This was a Real Life practice, and such Abnormal Ammo was known as Langrage, used as a sort of improvised canister or grape shot.
  • The result of this is funny as well: Ragetti ends up with a fork in his (thankfully wooden) eye and the two look out the cannon port, which has an array of junk plastered around it.
  • One of the crew actually tosses Gibbs's flask into the cannon as well, despite his protests. When they fire on the Pearl, it winds up in Jack's cell, and he finds that it's empty. Then he returns it to Gibbs when he gets back to the Interceptor, who's mid-fight with a bunch of pirates. It's finding out that his flask is empty that really pisses Gibbs off.
• The following:
  Barbossa: Why thank ye, Jack.
  Jack Sparrow: You're welcome.
  Barbossa: Not you. We Named the Monkey "Jack".
  Monkey!Jack: :D
  • The way Barbossa says "WE" named the monkey implies that it wasn't just Barbossa who wanted to insult Jack, everyone on The Black Pearl approved of the name. Which cues a look from Jack that either says "Of course you did" or "You son of a bitch".
  • Another funny bit is that when a monkey shows their teeth, it's actually a sign of aggression and not happiness or playfulness like humans. So Jack the monkey showing his teeth after Barbossa says his name and reveals the origin of the name is the equivalent of saying "Yeah! Screw You!" in the scene.
• Pintel showing that he's learned from past mistakes as he threatens Jack's crew.
  Pintel: Any of you so much as thinks the word "parley", I'll have your guts for garters!
• This exchange, as Will is pulling a Stop, or I Shoot Myself!:
  Barbossa: Name your terms, Mr. Turner.
  Will: Elizabeth goes free!
  Barbossa: Yes. We know that one. Anything else?
• Jack's terrible attempt at coaxing Koehler into letting him go as he's about to be marooned. It should be noted that this is the same man Jack encountered and insulted while in jail at the beginning of the movie.
  Jack: I've always liked you.
  Koehler: [grunts]
• Elizabeth and Jack on the Island:
  Elizabeth: So that's it, then. That's the secret, grand adventure of the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow. You spent three days lying on a beach, drinking rum.
  Jack: Welcome to the Caribbean, love.
  • Johnny Depp's dry response to Elizabeth suggesting they escape the island - "unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice" - which is even funnier if you go meta and know that Keira Knightley openly jokes about how much they padded her bra and airbrushed cleavage. On the DVD commentary, she also points out the one scene she wasn't padded.
  • Elizabeth faking drunk to pull off her plan. Keira Knightley looks like she's having a ball.
    "Mr Sparrow, I'm not sure I've had nearly enough rum to allow that kind of talk."
• "BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!?!"
  • "'Must have been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack. Must have been terrible for you'—WELL IT BLOODY IS NOW!"
  • When Jack sees the Dauntless anchored off the island, having been attracted by the signal fire as Elizabeth claimed.
    Jack: There'll be no living with her after this.
• On the Dauntless Jack shows his propensity for adverbs:
  Norrington: You will provide these fine men with the exact location of the Isla de Muerta. You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible interpretations of the phrase "silent as the grave". Do I make myself clear?
  Jack: Inescapably clear.
• The scene where Pintel and Ragetti tell Will about his father and what they did to him is very dark and serious, and then they finish up. Keep in mind that up until this point Pintel had been very growly:
  Pintel: [lightly] Course it was only after that we found out that we needed his blood to end the curse.
  Ragetti: That's what you call ironic.
  Pintel: [chuckles]
  • Also, during the story, Ragetti tries joining in, only for Pintel to yell "I'M TELLIN' THE STORY!" at him.
• As the pirates make their way inside the treasure cave, we get this dialogue:
  Pintel: (to Will) No reason to fret. Just a prick of the finger, a few drops of blood...
  Twigg: (shoving Will forward) No mistake this time. He's only half Turner. We SPILL IT ALL!
  Pintel: (to Ragetti) Guess there is a reason to fret.
• When Jack arrives at the treasure cave as Barbossa prepares to kill Will, the pirates are cheering. Then they slowly fall into silence as Jack (who Barbossa dumped on a desert island to die just the previous day) politely pushes his way to the front, and Barbossa is left staring.
  Barbossa: It's not possible!
  Jack: Not probable.
• Jack's response to Will's query about Elizabeth and basically summing up everyone's positions near the end of the movie:
  Captain Jack Sparrow: She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised, and you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word, really. [Beat] Except for Elizabeth, who is, in fact, a woman.
• When Jack tells Barbossa he doesn't want to kill Will and then mutters "your funeral" and steps back, Barbossa rolls his eyes before asking what he means. It's an expression that says "I know I'm going to regret asking, but I have to"
  • Before Jack starts to explain he slaps the hand of a pirate holding his shoulder.
  • Jack convinces Barbossa to ally with him by promising to give him twenty-five percent of his plunder. (And a really big hat.) It seems to be the thought of a really big hat that wins Barbossa over.
  • After sealing their accord with a handshake, Barbossa goes to direct the Black Pearl's crew... with Jack immediately cutting him off.
    Jack: All hands to the boats!
    (Beat as Barbossa gives him a confused stare)
    Jack: ...Apologies. You give the orders.
    • Made even funnier by the fact that not a single man in the crew moves at Jack's demand.
• Instead of joining the battle against the royal navy, Pintel and Ragetti get sent out as a distraction on a small boat... wearing dresses. It works.
  Ragetti: (giggling) This is just like what the Greeks done at Troy! ...'Cept they was in a horse instead o' dresses. Wooden 'orse.
  Pintel: [exasperated eye roll]
  • Ragetti gives the navy several high-pitched "yoo-hoo"s, much to Pintel's dismay. When he complains about feeling like an idiot, Ragetti tells him that he looks nice, which angers Pintel enough to strangle him — dropping his umbrella and blowing their cover in the process.
• When Jack the monkey tries to scare Elizabeth for the second time, she is less than amused.
• When Jack's crew steals the Pearl in the final battle.
  Ragetti: Is it supposed to be doing that?
  Pintel: They're stealing our ship!
  Ragetti: BLOODY PIRATES!
  • Especially hilarious since in the shot just prior, Elizabeth used the same phrase while muttering angrily about the very same crew.
• Governor Swann's fight with the skeleton arm — he smashes it with a hammer for trying to steal his wig, then locks it up inside a drawer which he struggles to keep shut as the limb furiously tries to free itself.
  • Once the curse is lifted and the Governor no longer feels the dresser shaking, he carefully opens the drawer, retches, and immediately shuts it again.
• During the final battle on Isla de Muerta, Will and Elizabeth skewer three undead pirates together, stuff a lit bomb into the middle one's empty ribcage, then push the three out of the moonlight, effectively trapping the bomb within the pirate's newly reformed flesh. The unfortunate fellow's whimper of "No fair!", followed by the ensuing explosion, was magnificent.
  • From the same scene:
    Elizabeth: Whose side is Jack on?
    Will: At the moment?
• The very beginning of the above scene: Jack and Barbossa are fighting in Isla de Muerta, Barbossa knocks Jack down and says "You can't beat me, Jack!". Jack then runs Barbossa through with his sword. Barbossa stabs Jack, who (unbeknownst to Barbossa) is cursed, and turns into a skeleton.
  Jack: [in skeleton form, examining his own hand] That's interesting. [starts walking the medallion across his fingers and grins at Barbossa] Couldn't resist, mate.
• Barbossa lampshades he and Jack sword-fighting when neither of them are vulnerable to each other's blade:
  Barbossa: So what now, Jack Sparrow? Are we to be two immortals locked in an epic battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound, hm?
  Jack: Or you could surrender.
• And a few more blink-and-you'll-miss-it moments from that fight: Barbossa, pursuing Jack, slams face-first into a wall; Jack yells "Sorry!"
• Elizabeth comes across a pirate threatening Will, who declares he's going to show him pain. Cue her thumping him over the head with what appears to be a golden stair banister, followed by saying that true pain is wearing a corset. "You like pain?" *wham!* Try wearing a corset!"
  • The fact that Will and Elizabeth end up wielding the bannister in a duel tag team during the rest of the fight.
  • One of Barbossa's men spends most of the final battle trying to get his head unstuck from a golden vase (courtesy of Jack). The moment he finally frees himself with a victorious laugh, Elizabeth uses the bannister to whack him across the face.
• When Norrington declares, "The ship is ours," after the pirates become mortal again, all the soldiers start cheering, "Huzzah!" Governor Swann joins in and as he does so, he wags his finger at a pirate and then mimes punching him.
• After Will fumbles the romantic moment between him and Elizabeth after the battle is over:
  Jack Sparrow: If you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it.
• During Jack's execution, the herald announces him as "Jack Sparrow!" and Jack sighs and mutters "Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow!"
  • The list of Jack's crimes, is not only extensive, but also includes "impersonating a cleric of the Church of England", which elicits a wry grin from a reminiscing Jack. He then looks at the executioner with the same expression, as if expecting him to join in.
• Elizabeth exploits the fainting woman stereotype to distract her father and Norrington when Will is helping Jack escape. Governor Swann's look of disapproval when he realises she was faking is priceless.
• Will and Jack are back to back and surrounded. While Will runs his blade along all the blades pointing at him Jack keeps trying to blow out of his face the rather luxurious feather sticking out of Will's hat.
• When Will is defending his attempt to save Jack from being hanged, Jack casually points to himself as he looks at the other guards, and smugly mouths the words 'that's me!'
• Jack's final speeches to each character before he escapes:
  Jack: Well, I'm actually feeling rather good about this.
  [Gets very close to Governor Swann who retches from the smell of Jack's breath]
  Jack: I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually...ecumenically...grammatically...
  Jack: [walks up close to Norrington] I want you to know that I was rooting for you, mate. Know that.
  Jack: [looks at Elizabeth solemnly] Elizabeth...It would never have worked between us, darling. I'm sorry. [She looks offended and confused]
  Jack: Will... [shrugs] Nice hat.
• And then, of course, Jack tries to end on a dramatic moment as he climbs up onto the battlements:
  "Friends! This is the day that you will always remember as the day that—" [slips and falls over the ledge]
  • The fact that his face takes on an "Ohhh, shit!" look as he topples off the battlements.

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