Quotes: Troll


    open/close all folders 

    Comic Books 

Joker: You're in trouble now.
Batman: Shut up.
Joker: Make me. It doesn't matter. I win. I made you lose control. And they'll kill you for it.

    Film — Live-action 

You WILL NOT make this putt...jackass!

Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans, can't take a joke!


Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both.
The Bible (New International Version), Proverbs 27:3

    Live-action TV 

You know, I think I've finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from: Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life.


I don't know you but I think I hate you
You're the reason for my misery
Strange that you've become my biggest enemy
And I've never even seen your face
Well maybe it's just jealousy
Mix it up with a violent mind
A circumstance that doesn't make much sense
Or maybe, I'm just dumb

I am an anti-christ
I am an anarchist
Don't know what I want but
I know how to get it
I wanna destroy the passerby
The Sex Pistols, "Anarchy in the UK"

Angry people think a good solution
Is getting others involved
So they surround themselves with happy people
And watch their smiles dissolve
Barenaked Ladies, "Angry People"

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime
saying "How about this heat?"
Denis Leary, "I'm An Asshole"

If trawling for assholes you'll net a fine catch
with skulls full of saw dust (well I've got the match!)
Skyclad, "On With Their Heads!"

    Newspaper Comics 

I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog!
Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

    Video Games 

I will never tire of tricking the primitives. It is a game that I enjoy playing.
Javik, Mass Effect 3


TT: Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans.
TT: Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it.
Rose, Homestuck

    Web Original 

On internet messageboards, there is no subject so vile or indefensible that someone won't post positively/in defense of it.
Skarka's Law (originally posted On RPGnet)

Ever get the feeling that some people realize that they’re never going to be LeBron James or Albert Einstein and so, in a lifelong temper tantrum, they just decide that if they can’t be the greatest, they will be the stinkiest of the shits?
Amanda Marcotte on Ann Coulter

While she doesn't hunt moose, she does like fishing, target shooting, and NASCAR. Although Cupp panders to 'Middle America' and rails against 'liberal and coastal elites,' she herself is one of the latter. She was born in California, raised in Massachusetts, graduated from Cornell, and lives in New York City. Cupp also seems to think that creationism should be taught in schools because not doing so would be 'insulting' to Christians. Because of this, in combination with her atheist concern trolling, many believe that she is in fact a deep cover liberal and may possibly be the first IRL sock puppet to ever be discovered.
Rational Wiki on Fox News' resident atheist S.E. Cupp

Camille Paglia has been trolling since before trolling was A Thing. She's the OG of barfing up archaic assertions about women, men, and feminism, justifying them with sweeping, unverified statements... Most recently, she yammered on about Katy Perry and Taylor Swift being awful because they are The Bad Kind Of Pop Star, then lauded 'bootylicious, confident urban women' because they are The Good Kind of Pop Star. During the 2008 election, she compared Sarah Palin's incoherent and endless run-on sentence style of talking to listening to some pretty excellent jazz and declared her the savior of 'third world feminism.' She's endlessly weird about fetishizing women of color as paragons of hotness and repeatedly slapping the air around her for invisible, vague feminists who hate all men and want sex to end forever. Planet Paglia is one where white bitches are hating men and fun...It's refried bullshit is what it is.

Ellis is a teenage boy, loudly filling a room with proclamations that Godfather 2 is rubbish and Norbit is a masterpiece, and telling the principal to introduce his highschool band as ‘Abortion Bucket and the Anal Rapists’. 'Friends tell me my Twitter account gets me into trouble,' he says, 'but I can’t help being honest. It’s not my problem if people can’t take the truth... Mr. Rogers was vile. Oh, have I shocked you?” Bret Easton Ellis still thinks himself LA’s L’enfant Terrible, but he’s just a big, silly baby.

Robin Williams’ daughter Zelda made us all hurt a little bit less after hearing about the death of her father by hopping on the internet and offering up a metaphorical group hug in the form of a touching quote from The Little Prince. And ever since then, we collectively decided as a society that for the next week, we would only be sharing heartwarming tributes in honor of Robin Williams (like that picture of the Genie hugging Aladdin that keeps making me reach for the Kleenex). It should be a classified felony to throw beyond-the-grave shade at the man who gave us Mrs. Doubtfire.

Unfortunately, there are some assholes out there who clearly want a first-class ticket to Hell, because they started trolling Zelda’s social media accounts and posting rude awful shit about her father’s death, like a fake picture of his dead body. Stay classy, humanity. Even Satan is like 'Are you serious??'

Think about this. People went to the one safe space they knew online — the epilepsy support forums — and found themselves having seizures before they could even look away. (Nobody was ever charged) ...There isn’t a shred of doubt in my mind that if the troll hackers could find a way to increase your risk of breast cancer? They’d do it. Because what’s better than lulz? Lulz with BOOBS. Yeah, they’d do it.

But what disturbed me even more than the epilepsy forum attack itself were the comments about it afterwards. 'I lol’d' 'That’s awful, but you gotta admit… hilarious!' Once again, high-fives all around. This is the world we have created.
Kathy Sierra, "Why the Trolls Will Always Win"

I despise unfunny hecklers at live comedy acts. Those self-important gadabouts with nothing of value to offer who want to stand out from the crowd and consider themselves equal to the live act that everybody else is here to simply see and enjoy. And it's always a joy for the comedian to then respond to the heckle with unflappable spontaneous wit in such a way that destroys their unwarranted confidence. Internet comments are basically a special platform for all the hecklers to come out onto, one by one, but without the comedian around to put them in their place. The comedian has had the good sense to move on and get the drinks in at the venue bar. As has 90% of the audience, leaving the shitheads to talk only for the benefit of themselves, voicing their stupid opinions into the gaping void of each other's heads.

Some people hate the world, and your email address gets mixed up in their shitstorm for a minute. They tend to spray you with wild insults hoping to hit at least one nerve...they often hire themselves as your life coach. However, I always recommend caution when following the advice of the profoundly stupid.

This ‘ha ha, you got mad, so you lose’ attitude is the exact same reason we all collectively decided not to like hipsters very much: It’s because they were hiding behind a rigged game. Everything was ironic....There was no losing condition. Same with people saying shitty things to each other on the internet under the guise of 'humor.' If this kind of thing was still confined to YouTube comments – then fuck it, who cares? But it’s not. It spills out. It’s everywhere now, even seeping into reality: There are people walking the Earth today who genuinely think, in all aspects of their lives, that somebody getting pissed off at them for valid reasons means they win something.

I want to spell this passage out large enough to see from space so that the aliens can see it and come vaporize us. In general, there's nothing to be gained from being a famous athlete and going on Twitter. You're probably gonna have a million followers right away, and I don't even want to know what kind of unholy mix of bots, racists, and stalkers would populate the mentions of a million-strong Twitter account. Within five seconds of creating your account, you will probably receive a dozen death threats. For us pissants, Twitter helps slake a craven thirst for attention. But for you, the millionaire athlete who already has more attention than he requires, it seems like a redundant waste of fucking time... Never beef. Ever ever ever. Someone said something to piss you off? Welcome to Twitter, where this happens once every half-second. Observe… (waits five seconds) Okay, I just fantasized about murdering 10 different people. That's how quickly Twitter can generate my inner rage.

But you cannot engage. Ever. The second you reply, you've already lost, because your beefing opponent now knows he's gotten in your head. There is no cash prize for winning a Twitter beef (although there ought to be)...And then people will wonder WHY you're beefing, and then they'll wonder about your fragile confidence, and then you will be labeled soft, and then Jay Gruden will bench you. That's how it works.
Drew Magary, "How to Tweet If You're a Famous Athlete"

Put the right troll in the right message board or comment section and he can completely destroy any chance of discussion — he has effectively broken the system for no other reason than personal amusement. It's ego masturbation. It happened so much at Popular Science that they shut down their comment section. It was as if a thousand voices cried out the word "fag" and were suddenly silenced.

So there's this guy, his name is Tom. Tom is a gamer and wanted an arcade machine. So he built one...Awesome, Huh? Yeah, I want one. It looks sweet. This was posted on Kotaku. I love it. However, the first comment on the post is this guy. We’ll call him A. Hat. Full name Ass Hat, but A. Hat for short. Here is what A. Hat had to say as the first commenter:

'Nice try by painting your cobbled together pieces of pressed wood a nice pattern, but it still looks like some monstrosity you’d buy from ikea.'

A simple, 'Hey, not very retro.' would’ve sufficed...
Chachi, "Gamers are assholes. Maybe the biggest there are"

    Web Video 

You've been trolled
You've been trolled
You have probably been told
'Don't reply to this guy
He is just getting a rise out of you'
Yes, it's true
You respond and that's his cue
To start trouble on the double
While he strokes his manly stubble
You've been trolled
You've been trolled
You should probably just fold
When the only winning move is not to play!
And yet you keep on trying, mindlessly replying,
You've been trolled, you've been trolled, have a nice day!
Successful Troll Song (sung to the tune of "Be Our Guest")

Every multiplayer game has one flaw that's I'm seeing,
And that's all the bloody things are played with human beings
Playing multiplayer games will give you the ideas
That people are all dickbags, fetid twats and shitty smears
Jim & Yahtzee's Rhymedown Spectacular, One is Fun"


Y'know, as small as this channel is, I still get a new comment, like, every other day asking me to kill myself because I had the audacity half a year ago to not be super-excited about the next Playstation. It doesn't take a lot to set people off on the internet.

I am an asshole, I am an asshole I am SUCH an asshole! Look at me~

And now, Real Men of Genius (Real Men of Genius) Today we salute you Mr. Asshat Forum Troll. (Mr. Asshat Forum Troll!) You barge into any thread, spewing your brain diarrhea like it was relief water for Ethiopians. (Brain Diarrhea!) There aren't enough smilies available to illustrate everyone's disdain for you. Rolleyes, red mad face, puking green guy, and the finger dude just aren't enough. (Exclamation mark, eleventy one!) No one is LOLing when you enter the thread. You single-handedly lower the IQ of the Internet with every post you make. (STFU, r'tard!) It takes guts to do what you do, presenting your contrary opinion in the cold harsh light of incontrovertible facts. Here's to you Mr. Asshat Forum Troll. (Mr. Asshat Forum Troll!)

    Western Animation 

Toki: There he is!
Skwisgaar: Yep, that's definitely a troll.

    Real Life 

I am inclined to believe that few attacks either of ridicule or invective make much noise, but by the help of those they provoke.
Samuel Johnson, explaining the "Don't Feed The Trolls" rule in the 1700s.

To live is to war with trolls.
Henrik Ibsen

The highways are crowded with people who drive as if their sole purpose in getting behind the wheel is to avenge every wrong done them by man, beast or fate. The only thing that keeps them in line is their fear of death, jail and lawsuits.
Hunter S. Thompson, Hell's Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga

Twitter should ban my mother.
Francis Bean Cobain

A word to those of you out there who have yet to be offended by something I have said: Please be patient. I am working as fast as I can.
Ann Coulter

If you spend a great deal of your time pretending to be an asshole to get a reaction from people...you aren't pretending. You are an asshole.
Ed Brayton

There's something about a bully that really annoys me. They'll say something online that they'd never dare to say to your face. One guy tweeted from his work account that he hoped my kids die of cancer. I let the MD of the firm know and the guy was fired. I felt no guilt, he should have gone to prison.
Dom Joly, comedian and self-proclaimed troll slayer