You see the happy people's biggest problem is
They're never fearing the worst
While the rest of us will never sleep until
Your happy bubbles are burst.
—Barenaked Ladies, "Angry People"
If trawling for assholes you'll net a fine catch
with skulls full of saw dust (well I've got the match!)
—Skyclad, "On With Their Heads!"
You've been trolled
You've been trolled
You have probably been told
"Don't reply to this guy
He is just getting a rise out of you"
Yes, it's true
You respond and that's his cue
To start trouble on the double
While he strokes his manly stubble
You've been trolled
You've been trolled
You should probably just fold
When the only winning move is not to play!
And yet you keep on trying, mindlessly replying,
You've been trolled, you've been trolled, have a nice day!
I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime
saying "How about this heat?"
— Denis Leary, "I'm An Asshole"
I'm the conjurer of demons, / I'm the father of your death.
I bring forth the ancient evil, / I control his every breath.
I instigate your misfortune, / With the birth of killing trolls.
I awaken Armageddon, / Feeding on a thousand souls.
Toki: There he is!
Skwisgaar: Yep, that's definitely a troll.
I don't know you but I think I hate you
You're the reason for my misery
Strange that you've become my biggest enemy
And I've never even seen your face
Well maybe it's just jealousy
Mix it up with a violent mind
A circumstance that doesn't make much sense
Or maybe, I'm just dumb
—Green Day, "Chump"
Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both.
— The Bible (New International Version), Proverbs 27:3
"It's a game that depends on shared knowledge; hence, presumably, the mechanic wherein players can leave little Post-It notes for each other. But the ones that say anything as helpful as, the mechanic "hey, you can only summon helpers in boss fights when you're unhollowed", or, "look, here's a narrow and easy-to-miss path down which lies the rest of the fucking game" are in a vast minority to the ones that say "try jumping" right next to bottomless pits. How witty of you, random player. And only getting wittier after fifty fucking times!"
I despise unfunny hecklers at live comedy acts. Those self-important gadabouts with nothing of value to offer who want to stand out from the crowd and consider themselves equal to the live act that everybody else is here to simply see and enjoy. And it's always a joy for the comedian to then respond to the heckle with unflappable spontaneous wit in such a way that destroys their unwarranted confidence. Internet comments are basically a special platform for all the hecklers to come out onto, one by one, but without the comedian around to put them in their place. The comedian has had the good sense to move on and get the drinks in at the venue bar. As has 90% of the audience, leaving the shitheads to talk only for the benefit of themselves, voicing their stupid opinions into the gaping void of each other's heads.
"Folks on this website are having too much fun, perhaps my negative post will see that undone."
"You WILL NOT make this putt...jackass!"
"I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog!"
—Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes
Joker: You're in trouble now.
Batman: Shut up.
Joker: Make me. It doesn't matter. I win. I made you lose control. And they'll kill you for it.
Urahara: Now yell as loud as you can: "AMAZING HEADBAND OF JUSTICE IN PLACE, AMAZING ARMOR OF JUSTICE PROTECT ME!" now! Go on, say it!
Ichigo: The Amazing Headband of... what? AGH! That's just stupid! *dodges a punch* Gyah!
Urahara: Interesting how the fear of imminent death can change one's mind.
Ichigo: All right, I'll say it! Agh, here goes nothing... "AMAZING HEADBAND OF JUSTICE IN PLACE, AMAZING ARMOR OF JUSTICE PROTECT ME!"
Urahara: Oh, what do you know? I can't believe he actually said it...
Ichigo: WHAT!? You're gonna pay for that!
MLP Fan: Um, what's your....What was your reaction when you realize, like after you—
John de Lancie: Now let me ask you a question. Right off the bat. Do you always talk with a camera in front of your face?
MLP Fan: (caught out) Um, no...
John: Have you gotten to the point now that you...you archive and record...you record and archive everything that you say?
MLP Fan: Well, no....
MLP Fan: Like a Borg!
John: I'm teasing you. So, go ahead. Carry on.
MLP Fan: Thank you. Thank you, sir. Um, when you...when you realize that you did your voice for a character for My Little Pony... (Realizes John is now holding a camera in front of his face) Oh, my goodness! This is going on YouTube, by the way!
John: This is going on my YouTube!
MLP Fan: I think I just got owned.
— A fan at a convention gets trolled by Discord himself.
Pip Bernadotte: So, is there anything else we need to know about the facility?
Integra: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing—
Alucard: (passing through a solid wall) HEY, KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?
(Cue opening song)
Integra: STOP SCREAMING!
Alucard: So, what's up with the pride meeting?
Integra: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost during theValentine Brothers'—
Alucard: Wait, are these guys French?
Integra: We were forced to post mortality rates. They were the only ones who applied.
Alucard: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
Walter: Sir Integra! I apologize I tried to stop him, but when I pleaded with him he merely responded with—mind my French—
Pip:' Some taken.
Walter: "Fuck the police." He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.
Alucard: (sinister laugh)
Integra: God, walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache.
TT: Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans.
TT: Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it.
Trolls are the janitors of DA. You don't want to associate with them, but without us, this place would be covered in shit.
— A member of I-Call-Bull
I am inclined to believe that few attacks either of ridicule or invective make much noise, but by the help of those they provoke.
Put the right troll in the right message board or comment section and he can completely destroy any chance of discussion — he has effectively broken the system for no other reason than personal amusement. It's ego masturbation. It happened so much at Popular Science that they shut down their comment section. It was as if a thousand voices cried out the word "fag" and were suddenly silenced.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans, can't take a joke!
"And now, Real Men of Genius (Real Men of Genius) Today we salute you Mr. Asshat Forum Troll. (Mr. Asshat Forum Troll!) You barge into any thread, spewing your brain diarrhea like it was relief water for Ethiopians. (Brain Diarrhea!) There aren't enough smilies available to illustrate everyone's disdain for you. Rolleyes, red mad face, puking green guy, and the finger dude just aren't enough. (Exclamation mark, eleventy one!) No one is LOLing when you enter the thread. You single-handedly lower the IQ of the Internet with every post you make. (STFU, r'tard!) It takes guts to do what you do, presenting your contrary opinion in the cold harsh light of incontrovertible facts. Here's to you Mr. Asshat Forum Troll. (Mr. Asshat Forum Troll!)"
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me