(Jimmy walks past with a coffee cup, Luthor swipes it) Jimmy: Hey!
That's for the chief! Lex:
Chief's got it. (drinks)
And what did he find, this conqueror of the Germans, this victor of the mighty Neptune? The streets empty of crowds and flowers, no triumphs rewarded, no games, no celebrations—but three miserable, old, ex-counsels waiting at the gates to meet him, and a room full of cowardly, stay-at-home senators who have spent all their time in the theatre and in the baths, while he has spent six months, living no better than a private soldier!? Yes! Your emperor has returned! BUT WITH THIS IN HIS HAND! (produces a frighteningly large battle sword from his robe)
: Shoot her. Foreman
: Herr Kommandant! I'm only trying to do my job! Goeth:
Ja, I'm doing mine. Hujar
: Sir, she's foreman of construction. Goeth
: I'm not going to have arguments with these people
— No, shoot her here
, on my authority. (foreman is shot) Goeth
: Take it down, repour it, rebuild it, like she said.
What are a few lives lost when it allows you validated parking?
Cigarette Smoking Man:
What I don't want to see is the Bills winning the Super Bowl. As long as I'm alive, that doesn't happen. Jones:
That'll be tough, sir. Buffalo wants it bad. C.S.M.:
So did the Soviets in '80. Jones:
What are you saying? You rigged the Olympic hockey game? C.S.M.:
What's the matter? Don't you believe in miracles?
It works like this, John: I know who Mary hurt and killed. I know where to find people who hate her. I know where they live, I know their phone numbers. All in my Mind Palace Ė all of it. I could phone them right now and tear your whole life down — and I will... unless you let me flick your face
The last person in the history of creation you want as your enemy is me, and I'll tell you why. Lucifer
might be strong, but I'm... petty.
Say you are given a quest to get a schoolgirl's cat out of a tree. On average you are given three options: Neutral
, where you get the cat down and accept the girl's allowance as payment; Good
, where you waive the fee and fondly tousle the girl's hair as she scampers off; and ASSHOLE
, where you set fire to the tree and stomp up and down on the schoolgirl's face. And speaking as
an asshole, this offends me. There are so many wonderful ways to be a complete ponce that these games don't cater for. Why can't I rescue the cat, but hold it for ransom for her dad's porn collection? Or get the cat out by throwing rocks at it so it breaks all its legs on the concrete, and then still expect to be paid with the infuriatingly infallible logic of a complete tosser
I swear, that Kim Jong-un
trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey
on steroids. I canít believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America
. Canít Dennis Rodman
just whisper, 'Baby, donít be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,' into Kim Jong-unís ear as they spoon?
There is a vague promise of getting in good with the dirty captain
and whatnot but what it boils down to is a pair of playoff tickets. Yup, playoff tickets. I was absolutely laughing my ass off [when] the Sergeant takes back the playoff tickets since he wonít be using them stuck in I.A. Itís like, not only is this guy evil, but he is a Lumberg from Office Space
type douchebag who will take back gifts. What an asshole.
Thatís how much of a dick Burke is: he will trick you into compromising your religious beliefs
just to screw with you. Chris
: That might actually be his most villainous moment, because it accomplishes absolutely nothing. He just wants that dude to eat a hot dog. Itís pure evil for evilís sake.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Steel
The saga of Ocean Marketing began with a guy named Dave contacting Ocean Marketing about his order of two Avenger game controllers. He began a correspondence with company representative Paul Christoforo, who, over the course of four emails, went from unhelpful dumbass
to legendary dick. Paul's response to reasonable questions was telling a customer that he was going to keep the things he bought and sell them for inflated prices on eBay. You should also keep in mind that these controllers are specialized for disabled gamers, and Paul had to know that there was a very likely chance that he was threatening to steal from a handicapped person
... In our online world of moral ambiguity and rampant fuckheadedness, Paul Christoforo was a villain everyone could finally agree on
. He was a thief, a douchebag, a liar, an attention whore
and a moron, and in one day we watched the consequences of all those things hit him at once
. We got to witness the actual people he was name-dropping
tell him they didn't know him
. We got to see him literally beg for mercy right before he tried and failed to extort the company firing him.
If you gave the smartest person on the planet a keyboard, held a gun to their head and told them to ruin their own life, they would have a hard time doing it any more efficiently.
Owner Dan Snyder had a park ranger fired, and somehow that's the least grotesque thing he did. He was also caught giving out apples for holiday bonuses
...Forget about the whole nickname debate. Dan Snyder is never going to change the nickname, because fighting against the dirty liberal media is the only way that sad, lonely man will ever be able to make friends. The only way he renames the team is if he gets a new stadium in exchange, because it's just like Dan Snyder to defend his integrity and then offer it as a bargaining chip.
Megan Fox wanted to use the library computers in the children's section. Unfortunately for her the library refused to let her do so and Fox was unwilling to go to the adult section of the library because she alleges that people watch pornography on the computers in that section.
Fox and a friend filed over 130 FOIA requests to the Orland Public Library, some objectively frivolous
(why does such and such dress like Santa Claus?).. The library is required by law to respond to every request, although it is permitted to respond that it will not comply with the request and it is permitted to charge the requestor for copying charges and up to $10 an hour for employee time devoted to responding to the request. Nonetheless, the library claims to have hired two full time employees to handle Fox's FOIA requests. To date, Fox's FOIA requests cost the library over $125,000.
Almost as soon as I leave the house, Iím 'Excuse me mate-d from a car window. The shirtless man at the wheel asks me for directions, a thing which, traditionally Iím very bad at.
'Yeah, up there. Straight up there. Just keep going straight, and you canít miss it.'
'Thanks, mate,' says the man, thinking that heís lucked out by a) already being on the right path, and b) bumping in to such a gushing fountain of local wisdom
. He canít
miss it! Even if he tries. This scorching, ninety-degree summer day shall no more be wasted crawling through the back-roads of Sussex in a boiling metal box, peering at street-signs that have been childishly defaced
, as this kindly stranger has guaranteed a safe, fast journey to destinationís end
This flawless system of instant, confident sounding, directionless directions has never steered me wrong (unlike those suckers behind the wheel!), and itís the perfect crime. You could be luring them to the other end of town, or to the slippery banks of the county urine lake, and it doesnít matter a jot, because youíre never going to see these lost and confused out-of-towners again. Never.
Thereís no recriminations from bad directions
With the Well Manicured Man out of the picture (thank goodness I will never have to type out that name again Ė even something as simple as 'Bob' would have sufficed), the Smoking Man is back on top and running the show again. Only he would deem it appropriate to suck down on a cigarette in the middle of a vital surgical procedure. The man is a menace to public safety, in more ways than one.
Earlier this month I was at a red light, ready to turn right, but stopped, causing the driver behind me to honk repeatedly. However, while it's legal to turn right on red, it's generally not advisable when the road is wet and there's a tractor trailer approaching. Apparently, though, the man behind me felt that we were not just two drivers on the road, no... somehow we were joined on an unspoken suicide pact
that I was thoughtlessly reneging on.
When the truck passed, I went on my way, followed by the other driver who, ignoring the wet pavement, ran another red light and ó unconcerned about little things like the presence of other vehicles on the road ó sped up to pull alongside me and repeatedly honked his horn to get my attention for quite a long time, until finally I gave in and looked at him so he could flip me off and be on his way.
And that was all.
This cro-magnon felt that it wasn't enough to just flip me off; he was prepared to risk himself and others
just to make sure I knew he was doing it. He couldn't handle me not
knowing it, whereas I am quite unbothered that he'll never know that I'm
saying that he's a phallically-challenged maladjusted uncivilized moronic social cripple whose only possible contribution for society would be if someone created an engine that could run on 'loser.'
I played a film clip of Nixon in his vice presidential days. The soundtrack is missing, so it is a silent movie. An official banquet of some sort. Nixon remembers to smile the way people do
. A waiter approaches him with a large, sticky-looking dessert. At that moment, Nixon leans over to speak to his partner on the left, frustrating the waiter's effort to serve him. The waiter moves on. Nixon sits back; realizes that his dessert has been given to the man on his right. He waves to the waiter, who does not see him. Now the Nixon face is beginning to resemble that of the third English king of his name.
Eyes—yes, mere slits
—dart first left, then right. Coast is clear. Ruthless Plantagenet king, using his fork as a broadsword, scoops up half the dessert on the neighbor's plate and dumps it on his own. As he takes the first taste of the dessert, there is a radiance in his eyes that I have never seen before or since. Nixon is happy.
Pie in the sky on the plate at last.