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Quotes: Evilis Petty
"Evil is unspectacular and always human
And shares our bed and eats at our own table."
W.H. Auden

"Two mad-dog killers, ready to murder each other! They step into the next room, and I'm thinking, now they're gonna do it. But no: They sit down in front of a TV, and solve their differences with a kung fu fighting video game. I tell you, Candy, I was so depressed, I strangled them both with the video game cables."
Rico Muerte, Max Payne

"Listen, I need you to buy some property, OK? Shouldn't cost that much: You offer them a dollar. If they give you a hard time, kill them."

"The last person in the history of creation you want as your enemy is me, and I'll tell you why. Lucifer might be strong, but I'm... petty."
Zachariah (an Angel), Supernatural

(bumps into inmate) “498! Interfering with a staff member in performance of duties! Didn’t your boyfriend teach you how to treat a staff member, Floppy Tits? That’s a shot! (to another inmate) Hey! What’s on your shirt there, Pigpen? Shit? Tears? Potato chips? 330! Being unsanitary. Shot! (to another one) I don’t like your face. 312. Insolence. Shot! Mendez is back, bitches.”

Chess instructor: Checkmate. You are improving. For a moment there, I thought you'd beat me.
Tannhäuser: You were right. (bludgeons him with a candlestick)

"And what did he find, this conqueror of the Germans, this victor of the mighty Neptune? The streets empty of crowds and flowers, no triumphs rewarded, no games, no celebrations—but three miserable, old, ex-counsels waiting at the gates to meet him, and a room full of cowardly, stay-at-home senators who have spent all their time in the theatre and in the baths, while he has spent six months, living no better than a private soldier!? Yes! Your emperor has returned! BUT WITH THIS IN HIS HAND!" (produces a frighteningly large battle sword from his robe)
Caligula, I, Claudius

Amon Goeth: Shoot her.
Foreman: Herr Kommandant! I'm only trying to do my job!
Goeth: Ja, I'm doing mine.
Hujar: Sir, she's foreman of construction.
Goeth: I'm not going to have arguments with these people— No, shoot her here, on my authority.
(foreman is shot)
Goeth: Take it down, repour it, rebuild it, like she said.

The Unman: "Ransom?"
Ransom: "What?"
The Unman: "Nothing. Hey."
Ransom: "What?"
The Unman: "Ransom?"
Perelandra (He does this all night).

Ranma: "But this time... I have the upper hand. You see, I washed sheets yesterday but I have not, in fact, changed them out yet today. They are, unbeknownst to them, ravishing each other upon unwashed sheets!"
Nephrite: "Actually... no. They checked and changed them for fresh sheets before they got started."
* beat*
Ranma: "I... see. I'm going to go kick Jadeite now, while he's still lying prone and defenseless. And then, I'm going to put a set of sheets to wash."
Lord Ranma, a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction

"Your pranks are so miserable."

Dr. Polaris: *Ahem*
The Flash (as Lex Luthor):" ...What?
Dr. Polaris: You gonna wash your hands?
"Lex Luthor": No! ... 'Cuz I'm evil.

"Hmm. I suppose, given my imminent godhood, these primitives should really be beneath my attention. Ah, still. No score is too small to settle, I always say."
Megatron, Beast Wars

"Lucifer may be strong. But I'm petty. I'm gonna be the angel on your shoulder for the rest of eternity."
Zachariah, Supernatural

"I played a film clip of Nixon in his vice presidential days. The soundtrack is missing, so it is a silent movie. An official banquet of some sort. Nixon remembers to smile the way people do. A waiter approaches him with a large, sticky-looking dessert. At that moment, Nixon leans over to speak to his partner on the left, frustrating the waiter's effort to serve him. The waiter moves on. Nixon sits back; realizes that his dessert has been given to the man on his right. He waves to the waiter, who does not see him. Now the Nixon face is beginning to resemble that of the third English king of his name. Eyes—yes, mere slits—dart first left, then right. Coast is clear. Ruthless Plantagenet king, using his fork as a broadsword, scoops up half the dessert on the neighbor's plate and dumps it on his own. As he takes the first taste of the dessert, there is a radiance in his eyes that I have never seen before or since. Nixon is happy. Pie in the sky on the plate at last."

"Narcissists are usually hurtful only when threatened. And Machiavellians are too calculating to risk retaliation unless there is a lot on the line. Sadists may be unique in engaging in unprovoked cruelty—cruelty that takes effort and has no discernible benefits."

"You are finally here. I am Ballser and I [stole] the scenario. You will never have it, unless you beat me, of course... BUT YOU WILL NOT!"
Ballser, Something

"I mean, he's wholly and unapologetically Evil, but more to the point, he's kind of a dick."
Rich Burlew on Xykon

"There is a vague promise of getting in good with the dirty captain and whatnot but what it boils down to is a pair of playoff tickets. Yup, playoff tickets. I was absolutely laughing my ass off when Salim, after going through hell [and] to IA, the Sergeant takes back the playoff tickets since he won’t be using them stuck in IA. It’s like, not only is this guy evil, but he is a Lumberg from Office Space type douchebag who will take back gifts. What an asshole."
Miles Antwiler on Dirty (2005)

David: That’s how much of a dick Burke is: he will trick you into compromising your religious beliefs just to screw with you.
Chris: That might actually be his most villainous moment, because it accomplishes absolutely nothing. He just wants that dude to eat a hot dog. It’s pure evil for evil’s sake.
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Steel

"Say you are given a quest to get a schoolgirl's cat out of a tree. On average you are given three options: Neutral, where you get the cat down and accept the girl's allowance as payment; Good, where you waive the fee and fondly tousle the girl's hair as she scampers off; and ASSHOLE where you set fire to the tree and stomp up and down on the schoolgirl's face. And speaking as an asshole, this offends me. There are so many wonderful ways to be a complete ponce that these games don't cater for. Why can't I rescue the cat, but hold it for ransom for her dad's porn collection? Or get the cat out by throwing rocks at it so it breaks all its legs on the concrete, and then still expect to be paid with the infuriatingly infallible logic of a complete tosser?"
Yahtzee extolling the virtues of Alpha Protocol

"The saga of Ocean Marketing began with a guy named Dave contacting Ocean Marketing about his order of two Avenger game controllers. He began a correspondence with company representative Paul Christoforo, who, over the course of four emails, went from unhelpful dumbass to legendary dick. Paul's response to reasonable questions was telling a customer that he was going to keep the things he bought and sell them for inflated prices on eBay. You should also keep in mind that these controllers are specialized for disabled gamers, and Paul had to know that there was a very likely chance that he was threatening to steal from a handicapped person... In our online world of moral ambiguity and rampant fuckheadedness, Paul Christoforo was a villain everyone could finally agree on. He was a thief, a douchebag, a liar, an attention whore and a moron, and in one day we watched the consequences of all those things hit him at once. We got to witness the actual people he was name-dropping tell him they didn't know him. We got to see him literally beg for mercy right before he tried and failed to extort the company firing him. If you gave the smartest person on the planet a keyboard, held a gun to their head and told them to ruin their own life, they would have a hard time doing it any more efficiently."

"My fiancee joined a Dungeons & Dragons group wherein the DM (that's nerd shorthand for Dungeon Master, the guy who runs the game) decided that he would make the game so brutally unfun for her that she would never want to play again... Even her fellow players worked against her — one of her teammates stole her character's only possession and threw it into a river, for no other reason than to be a dick. It didn't advance the game in any way, and it had no other strategic purpose. He just wanted to hurt her feelings. Making it so that she never wanted to play again was more important to them than actually enjoying the game, because somewhere along the line, the tabletop and video gaming community decided its sole purpose was to make sure that nobody has any fun."''

"Earlier this month I was at a red light, ready to turn right, but stopped, causing the driver behind me to honk repeatedly. However, while it's legal to turn right on red, it's generally not advisable when the road is wet and there's a tractor trailer approaching. Apparently, though, the man behind me felt that we were not just two drivers on the road, no... somehow we were joined on an unspoken suicide pact that I was thoughtlessly reneging on. When the truck passed, I went on my way, followed by the other driver who, ignoring the wet pavement, ran another red light and — unconcerned about little things like the presence of other vehicles on the road — sped up to pull alongside me and repeatedly honked his horn to get my attention for quite a long time, until finally I gave in and looked at him so he could flip me off and be on his way. And that was all. This cro-magnon felt that it wasn't enough to just flip me off; he was prepared to risk himself and others just to make sure I knew he was doing it. He couldn't handle me not knowing it, whereas I am quite unbothered that he'll never know that I'm saying that he's a phallically-challenged maladjusted uncivilized moronic social cripple whose only possible contribution for society would be if someone created an engine that could run on 'loser.'"
SFDebris comparing a fellow motorist to Khan Noonien Singh (yes.)

"Almost as soon as I leave the house, I’m “Excuse me mate”-d from a car window. The shirtless man at the wheel asks me for directions, a thing which, traditionally I’m very bad at.

“Yeah, up there. Straight up there. Just keep going straight, and you can’t miss it.”

“Thanks, mate,” says the man, thinking that he’s lucked out by a) already being on the right path, and b) bumping in to such a gushing fountain of local wisdom. He
can’t miss it! Even if he tries. This scorching, ninety-degree summer day shall no more be wasted crawling through the back-roads of Sussex in a boiling metal box, peering at street-signs that have been childishly defaced, as this kindly stranger has guaranteed a safe, fast journey to destination’s end.

This flawless system of instant, confident sounding, directionless directions has never steered me wrong (unlike those suckers behind the wheel!), and it’s the perfect crime. You could be luring them to the other end of town, or to the slippery banks of the county urine lake, and it doesn’t matter a jot, because you’re never going to see these lost and confused out-of-towners again.
Never. There’s no recriminations from bad directions. Ever."

Chris: I also really enjoyed Tom Welling’s Ultraman. I love that in Smallville, the opposite of Superman is a guy who bangs two hookers, makes out with his sister, vaporizes criminals with his heat vision and then acts like a jerk to Lois.
David: I love how he’s just as whiny and ineffectual at evil as Clark is at good.
Smallvillains on Smallville ("Luthor")

Combine Civil Protection Officer: Pick up that can. (Gordon picks up can) Throw it in the trash can. (Gordon does) Move along. *chuckles*
A Combine guard to Gordon Freeman.

It works like this, John: I know who Mary hurt and killed. I know where to find people who hate her. I know where they live; I know their phone numbers. All in my Mind Palace – all of it. I could phone them right now and tear your whole life down – and I will... unless you let me flick your face.
Charles Augustus Magnussen, Sherlock

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