Funny / Never Mind the Buzzcocks

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     Season 1 

Episode 1

Episode 3
  • Bob Mortimer, when he had to paraphrase song titles without saying any of the words from the titles:
    • "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick": "I require you to strike Bob, utilising a drummer's wand."
    • "Mr Blobby": "Pink Spotty Rubber Twat." Which was enough for Sean to guess the title immediately.

Episode 5
  • In a round of Indecipherable Lyrics, using the song "Scum" by Napalm Death. The "lyrics" to decipher are basically guttural growling into the microphone, which Phill interprets as "I bought a lovely donkey at Widdecombe Fair."

     Season 2 
Episode 6
  • Phill, Brian Molko and Bruce Dickinson making up cheese-themed lyrics to 'Tumbling Dice' by The Rolling Stones.
  • Sean making up lyrics and getting to a bit which is either 'baguette' or 'baddiel'. When he said 'baddiel', everyone turned to look at guest David Baddiel, who just stared back, giving no fucks. When they actually sung the line, though, he ended up giving Sean the finger.
  • Brian's miming during the Intros round.
  • Bruce telling Brian to 'stick your thumb in your mouth' while he and Phill were joking about how young Brian was at the time. Brian's response was 'Anything else you'd like me to stick in my mouth?' which Bruce didn't really have a response for.

Episode 8 (Christmas Episode)

     Season 3 
Episode 5
  • In the debut of the round "Word Up", Phill's team is asked to identify the meaning of the word "Bismillah" in Bohemian Rhapsody.
    Phill: Does it mean "four men in a dark room trying to blow out a very high candle"?

     Season 4 
Episode 3
  • Keith Chegwin was on Sean's team in this episode, in which the first round can be summed up in this single quote (watch the episode to find out why):
    Phill: We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, then Cheggers started talking about walloping! It's been a nightmare night out!

     Season 5 
Episode 4

Episode 5
  • As mentioned on the main page under Bilingual Bonus, Sean used Gaelic profanity to determine who was the real Linda Nolan. However, what was really great about that round was that one of the members of the lineup to identify a member of the all-girl Irish band the Nolans was Athelston.

Episode 7
  • Phill, Tony Wright and Howard Jones come up with an Indecipherable Lyrics for "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders, creating a story about Chrissie Hynde going driving with a German decorator called Dieter and his brother Gunther. When she's discovered to have no passport, she gets out of it by cooking them a meal and/or giving out sexual favours:
    "Dull mushrooms, strained emulsion. Been driving, Dieter Lehning. No visa, so send some police in. Gonna bake you, bake you, bake you lettuce! Gunther, use my arse! Gunther, use old eggs! Gunther use mustard! Gunther use my sausage! Gunther use my fiddlers! Gunther, use my, my, my, mashed potatoes!"note 
  • While doing the Intros, Bill and Sean did 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight', and Bill decided to add to it by imitating the calls of jungle animals by randomly screaming.
  • Sean's round of the Identity Parade had one artist, three extras and Mark as number five. Naturally, Sean and co picked Mark, and he flipped his shit.
  • When Phill and Tony were trying to recreate the cover of The Clash's album London Calling, Mark flat out said what it was and Howard still didn't get it.

     Season 6 
Episode 4
  • Mark offers bonus points to anyone who insults R.E.M. vocalist, Michael Stipe.
    Sean: What a tosser he is.
    Mark: One point!

Episode 8

     Season 7 
Episode 2
  • Daphne, Celeste and Phill's performance of Beck's "Sexx Laws" in the intros round — the reactions of the other guests and Mark are priceless.

Episode 4
  • Mel B trying to teach Sean to be sassy. It fails horribly.
  • Jo Brand deciding to try Cutting the Knot by calling out the celebrity's name in the Identity Parade. It doesn't work, but points for trying.
  • Phill flat out asks Mel and Mark to have sex and get it over with, after they spend several minutes bickering.

     Season 8 

Episode 2
  • This episode featured part of an Alice in Chains video ('Them Bones', to be precise). It's probably not quite as funny as it was when the episode first aired, considering Layne Staley would die a year later of a heroin overdose, but the comments former E17 member Brian Harvey make about the video are surprisingly funny.
  • "Look at his eyes, he's definitely on somethin'. I've seen that look before! Sittin' in the corner of a club chewin' a hole in your own face."
  • Most of what Dave Mustaine says. When asked why Elton John stormed off-stage during a concert in Australia, he responded, "I think he was unhappy with the floral display. Someone put roses on his piano and he really wanted tulips on his organ."

Episode 3
  • Slash's appearance as a panellist.
    Slash: My family in Stoke are watching this. My cousin's gonna be sitting there going, "What the hell's he doing?"
    Mark: Yeah, and he won't be alone.

Episode 4

Episode 7
  • Dani Filth, the lead singer of black metal band Cradle of Filth, was a guest on Phill's team. His bizarre contribution to the intro for 'Have You Seen Her?' by the Chi-Lites led Mark Lamarr to remark, "I think Phill was doing 'Have You Seen Her?' and Danny was doing 'Have You Seen Her? Because I Buried her Around Here Somewhere'."
  • Filth (jokingly) telling Lamarr he needs to 'get with the times' and the subsequent look on Lamarr's face.
  • "You're being a silly goose now, Mr Filth!"

     Season 9 
  • After Mark reveals he has a crush on Bjork, Phill does his impression of her (but really, it's pretty hard to transcribe):
    Phill: "Whee, hnip, znip, whee, hnipzip whee (Shocking Swerve) as a boy..."

Episode 6
  • During the intros round, Phill and guest Tony Mortimer had to get guest Jon Culshaw to identify "Burn, Baby Burn" by Ash. After they first do it, John just can't figure it out, even with Phill imitating part of the song in Jon's face. Mark asked them to do it again, but longer. They do, but Tony breaks up whil Phill continues.
    Mark: You see, these batteries last a lot longer.
  • Immediately, Jon asked the opposing team.
    Sean: What if Tony Blair was guessing? (winks to the camera)
    Jon: (as Tony Blair) Well, if I think Tony Blair was guessing, he would not know the answer, either.
  • Jon then requested Mark to act it out. Mark immediately pulled out a lighter and pretended to light a piece of paper on fire. Jon got it right away.
    Mark: Sorry, I meant to say... (taps his nose and points to Jon)

     Season 10 
Episode 6
  • Guest Alexander O'Neal's surprise rap during a question on "Bob The Builder".
    Mark: I bet you're like me. You never thought when you woke up this morning, you'd see Alexander O'Neal putting the smackdown on Bob the Builder.
  • Later during the question, Mark had to set a firecracker off to liven things up.
    Mark: And I want a baked potato. You would clap fireworks, wouldn't you?

     Season 12 
Episode 9
  • We're shown a shot of Brian May looking exceptionally smug. Bill's team spend a minute just coming up with things he might be smug about.
    Bill: I've just re-wired my house. (nods smugly)
    Barry Cryer: I do my own conveyances! (nods)
    Bill: I took the time to do it right. (nods)
    Mark: I've just bought a Breville, and made myself a nice cheese toastie. (nods)
    Bill: My hands are immersed in cream. (nods) I've got a faulty appliance, but I kept the receipt! (nods)

     Season 13 
Episode 9
  • Mark deciding to cheer up Alison Goldfrapp by singing her favourite song in the style of M People, which consisted of him singing like The Swedish Chef to the tune of the song.
  • The Intros round consisted of two panellists dancing on Dance Dance Revolution-like pads while having the songs playing on their headphones. Their remaining teammate had to guess what the songs were by the panellists humming. This went about as well as you'd expect. When Sabina Washington and Bill tried it, Mark kept giving Sabrina grief about her supposedly wearing a wig, so she'd occasionally turn and flip him off as she danced.
  • The Next Lines round was done by two separate choirs. When a gospel choir sang 'Justified & Ancient', Mark laughed so hard he nearly fell out of his chair (and his laughter sounded like he was hiccupping). The other choir doing "Hot In Herre", "Anarchy In The UK" and "Baby Got Back", to much acclaim.

     Season 16 
Episode 11
  • Mark accusing Melanie Blatt of cheating during the Intros round, drinking her water, spilling it all over himself and then refilling the cup by pouring the water from his bottle all over the desk.
  • Simon Amstell (in his last appearance on the panel instead of in the host's chair) saying that next to Phill and Melanie, he felt like he was on a camping trip with daddy and daddy's new special friend.
  • Simon suggesting that since it was the last episode, everyone should sing songs and set each other on fire. Mark promptly started singing a song about Simon being on fire, and Bill and Phill turned it into rounds.

     Season 18 
Episode 2
  • This was Simon Amstell's first episode as [guest] host. It featured the following exchange:
    Simon: How young are you?
    Kenzie: I just turned twenty.
    Simon: OK. Kenzie's sweet, isn't he? Isn't Kenzie sweet?
    Audience: (affirms this)
    Simon: Why don't you tell the nice BBC viewers what your song "Flip Reverse It" was about?
    Kenzie: Um... women.
    Russell: Women? It was about anal in a truck!
  • It got better: Simon then asked Kenzie what the song is about, and Kenzie managed to make up some bullshit about how it's about turning your life around and going back to the way things were, and the lyrics didn't have to always mean sex. He then protested that Simon was putting him on the spot, and his mother was going to watch it and he didn't want her thinking that her son was like that. Cue this gem:
    Kenzie: I've got a girlfriend at the moment, what's she going to think of this?
    Phill: I don't know, can she sit?
  • Russell joking that when Kenzie started singing on the Intros round, the ears of the other members of Blazin' Squad pricked up 'like funky meerkats'. "Kenzie's in trouble! We gotta save him!"
  • Simon Amstell, Supply Teacher. "You're only making things worse for yourself!"

Episode 3
  • The episode's guest host was Ricky Wilson of the Kaiser Chiefs, and in the last round of questions Phill kept answering by singing Kaiser Chiefs songs. "We've only got one album, you're going to run out eventually!"
  • Ryan Jarman's claim: "I invented Live8." He then goes on to justify this claim.
  • "I'm contractually obliged to say 'I predict a laugh riot!' I feel so dirty."

     Season 19 
Episode 1
  • After watching a Girls Aloud video, Phill's team looks at a shot of the five women in a garage. Phill says 'Look at them, will you?' and Phil Nickol says helpfully, 'Look at the [tyre] rims!'
  • Bill and Alesha Dixon trying to do a Foreigner song for the Intros. It went so badly that at one point, Simon pulled out fellow guest Anthea Turner's biography and started reading it.

Episode 4
  • Amy Winehouse's opinion on Ben Elton:
    Simon: But he is a bit of a sellout isn't he?
    Amy: I don't thing there's such thing as integrity or being a sellout, I just thing he's a wanker!
  • One of the line-up in the Identity Parade had a bag of chocolate-covered nuts. Cue Phill and Alex Pennie jumping over the bench to nick some off him.
  • Amy told the other line-up that they should pay Simon back for the insults. Simon pointed out that they do get paid and they are aware beforehand that they'll get insulted, and Andrew Maxwell chimed in, saying that 'They get paid, they know what's going to happen' made Simon sound like a pimp.

Episode 5
  • The 'Gay-Off' between Simon Amstell and John Barrowman ("You've out-gayed me, Barrowman!")
  • From the same episode:
    John Barrowman: Does a vagina wiggle? Not that I've ever seen one. So please, inform me.
    Simon: Well, I'm not an expert...
    Phill Jupitus: There's nothing quite like the TV stylings of two homosexuals talking about fannies...
  • Simon throwing in a running gag about Daniel Bedingfield having recorded his last album naked, especially a bit where he invited the audience to imagine Daniel naked, and looked extremely happy to be doing so.
  • After Simon tried to get the audience to say whose side they were on, and got lots of cheers for Bill and some boos for Phill, Phill answered one line in Next Lines with 'Ah, fuck 'em. No.'

Episode 6
  • Simon's spirited attempt to start a feud between Jamelia and Lily Allen. It doesn't work.
  • Simon trying to mimic Jamelia's dance moves by writhing around on his chair.

     Season 20 
Episode 2
  • Perhaps one of the show's more memorable episode features Towers Of London vocalist Donny Tourette as one of the panelists. Donny is continuously mocked and ridiculed for his increasingly obvious commentary which, for the most part, he is either too vacant or vain to even notice.
    • The sheer awfulness of Donny's attempts at humour. At one point the audience groaned at a "joke" of his, and he snapped:
      Donny: Oh, for fuck's sake, not very sharp, are you!?
    • At one point, Donny comments that Bill would "be at home on the streets."
      Simon Amstell: Let me explain. Bill is a professional comedian. You won't win!
    • Later in the episode:
      Donny Tourette: The only reason I'm on the show is 'cause you told everyone you fancied me, dude!
      Simon Amstell: No, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people!
    • Later still:
      Donny Tourette: Yeah, well here's what I think of you! [grabs his own crotch in an insulting gesture]
      Simon Amstell: You think me a small penis? Well, I never!
    • Bill's team doing one of the intros, and Noel had no idea what it was. The entire audience chimed in to say that they knew.
    • Simon's "authentic punk dancing", which Noel comments is "like a child dizzy on lemonade."

Episode 3
  • Simon Amstell's reaction to Preston storming off in a huff after reacting very badly to being made fun of: a nonchalant "Oh no, we can't lose Preston." The moment also provides a Moment Of Awesome mixed in - Bill Bailey immediately went into the audience, found a man who looked a little like Preston, and convinced him to sit in for the rest of the show. The stand-in almost immediately proved himself a more good-humoured participant than Preston had been.
  • After struggling to and failing to find the connection between Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent, Ed Byrne suggests that Simon should just tell them the answer. Simon points out that they won't get the point, and Ed replies, "I'll take your point and shove it up your arse!" and then when Simon says he'll tell them the answer, Ed says, "It'd better be fuckin' interesting!"
  • Phill's answer to the line "Call me, call me anytime": "This call may be recorded for training purposes".

     Season 21 
  • One episode in season 21 had a guest drop out at the last minute. When asked what his excuse was, Simon said, "Lee can't be here because he's an awful bastard."

Episode 2
  • During an intros round, Simon delivered the line, "We also heard "Let's Dance" by David Bowie. David Bowie played Pontius Pilate in "The Last Temptation of Christ". I'm not saying he was wooden, but a certain Mr. Jesus Christ was nailed to him." Immediately after, the lights around began to flash and we heard a voice say, "Congratulations! It's the worst joke of the show!" Simon immediately shook hands with Phill, then guests Jermaine Jackson and David Cross.

Episode 4
  • Simon's hilariously bitchy exchange with Noel Fielding about his brand of humour.
    Noel Fielding: Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow.
    Simon Amstell: (sarcastically) With a pair of scissors made of glitter?
    Noel Fielding: No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!
  • This exchange was worth noting too. Simon had a go at Noel for not inviting him out to go partying with people like Courtney Love.
    Noel Fielding: (to guest) You know Courtney Love, don't you?
    Ryan: Yeah, I know Courtney.
    Simon Amstell: Everybody knows Courtney Love.
    Noel Fielding: She'd crush you like a Twiglet.
    Simon Amstell: She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide.
    (A caption then flashes up on the screen saying SIMON AMSTELL IS DEFINITELY WRONG. Presumably to make sure The BBC didn't get sued.)
  • Richard Fleeschman's epic comeback at Simon near the end. Simon, as per usual, had been taking the piss out of him for various things, including the fact that he once won Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes with a Will Young song. Obviously, the Next Lines round contained a line from Will Young:
    Simon: "I think I better leave right now..."
    Richard: "...before I fall any deeper."
    Simon: Correct. I prefer the Fleeschmann version.
    Richard: If you must know, I did "Evergreen". Do your research. Lamarr would have done it.
  • Early in the episode, there was a brief quiz game called "Davro or Dennis?", where Simon read out facts about either Les Dennis or guest Bobby Davro and the teams had to guess which one it applied to. Noel pressed the buzzer, not to answer but just to press the buzzer, and a buzzer war between Noel and Phill ensued with Simon pathetically trying to take control.
    Simon: Quiet, please!
    Phill: Simon, get the phone!
    Noel: Simon, you're like one of those useless supply teachers.
    Simon: WE WORKED REALLY HARD ON DAVRO OR DENNIS!
  • Noel's team answering one question in dance, and the way they asked to do it:
    Simon: But who has their own brand of metal detector? That's the question I'm asking.
    Kristen Schaal: (completely sincerely) This is a really important question.
    Simon: Yes.
    Kristen: (still sincere) And we would like to answer it.
    Simon: (trying not to laugh) ...you may.
    Noel: In a different way than usual. We'd like to express the answer in dance.

Episode 5
  • Bill and Irwin Sparkes doing the intros round. After a crack from Simon about not blowing too hard because they both have asthma, both men grabbed their inhalers and worked using them into their (terrible) attempt at the intro (which sounded like a seal and a walrus trying to sing).
  • Bill joking that his inhaler was bigger than Irwin's.
  • Simon saying that he can't make a joke about a court case because it's still ongoing. "Instead, here's some soft jazz." Cue several seconds of soft jazz while the panel just looked blank.
  • One of the guests was Miquita Oliver, Simon's former co-host on Popworld. Their banter started out with them joking about Simon being her bitch, and then quickly progressed to Simon calling her an alcoholic sociopath.
  • Simon's intro for Patrick Wolf commented on Wolf calling Mika a twat. He then introduced Miquita, and said that she'd called Mika a (long string of beeps).
  • When trying to work out the next line of a Vengaboys song, Patrick ended up singing every song of theirs that he knew until Simon pointed out that he still didn't get any points.

Episode 6
  • The line-ups featured a Bill Bailey lookalike.
  • Simon getting a comedy wall, in the style of Hear'say. Before, Simon showed a clip of Hear'say's actual comedy wall. Phill commented that he hadn't been that angry about a wall since Berlin.
  • Vic Reeves saying "There comes a time in every man's life when he must do a song for an animated sheep."

Episode 8
  • When Jon McClure of Reverend and the Makers was a guest, Simon pulled a cup of tea and some cakes out of nowhere and offered them to him, while calling him Reverend like he was actually talking to a priest- and later, he got out some sherry and gave that to Jon as well.
  • Simon said to KT Tunstall that she should get more press, like Amy Winehouse or Lily Allen. KT replied that one was on drugs and the other was pregnant, and Simon suggested that she should pair up with Jeremy Edwards. The poor man was mortified.

Episode 9
  • Sam Duckworth (also known as Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly) saying that he picked the stage name so he wouldn't be in the same league as James Blunt, and then responding to some tuts from the audience by saying that there were obviously some middle-aged Ford Escort-driving James Blunt fans in the audience.
  • Simon asking Christopher Biggins if he planned to continue being an actor, or if he planned to continue the consumption of genitalia (having eaten a kangaroo dick for a reality show).
  • When Simon asked Robyn what her shirt said ('Robyn is here'), Phill commented that they had to talk Christopher into taking off his 'I Eat Kangaroo Cock' shirt.
  • Simon talked about the low parts of Christopher's life, and pointed out one time in which he had to file for bankruptcy, but some of his friends helped him out. Simon pointedly asked who didn't, and the rest of the team put their hands up.

Episode 10
  • Sophie Ellis-Bextor said that she was married, to which fellow guest James Lance replied, "Ah, shit."
  • "Your CV reads like... like a good CV!"
  • "It's James Lance!"
  • Tim Minchin saying that James was so good-looking and English that he just wanted to punch him in the face.
  • Yannis climbing onto his chair in the Intros round because he's short. Phill then asked, "I'm really fat, so what do I do?"
  • 'Rihanna' in the Biggie to Smalls round was wearing a hat that completely covered the top half of her face and made her look like she had no eyes, so Simon nded up trying to look under the hat to see who she actually was.
  • Upon losing, Tim and Yannis cheered and high-fived each other while declaring that they were professional losers.

Episode 11
  • James Nesbitt talking about getting a dog. When Simon asked why the dog's breed was named so, James said, 'Because it is, I mean, why are you called Simon?' Simon joked that it was a legacy from EastEnders.
  • After describing James as someone who 'the women want to sleep with and the men want to have a pint with', Simon pulled out a pint and was followed by everyone else on the panel.
  • The rigmarole around Chris O'Dowd possibly proposing to his girlfriend on the show.
  • Playing the Andy Scott-Lee card. Later in the Identity Parade, he returned as one of the options... for a female musician.

Episode 12
  • After Moby explained that people really hate him and he thinks it's because he's just a generally annoying person, Simon gave us this conversation:
    Simon: Dale, is there anything Moby can do about his personality?
    Dale Winton: What starsign are you?
    Moby: Virgo.
    Dale: Ah, well...
  • Simon asked Moby and Jamelia to provide some moments for the best of special. Moby put on a sombrero and did a dance which involved wiggling his crotch in front of Simon's face. Simon gave Jamelia a bottle and suggested that she smash it on Bill's head, and she delightedly obliged (and during one of the Intros, she grabbed another bottle and did it again, seemingly for the lulz).
  • The whole rigmarole with the chicken.

     Season 22 
Episode 1
  • Phill Jupitus and Simon Amstell mime "No Air" in reference to the absence of Bill Bailey.

Episode 2
  • Josh Groban and Oman Djalili's Intros Round.
  • When Stephen Fry was serving as a guest captain, his buzzer was "I'M A NATIONAL FUCKING TREASURE!"
  • The combination of Matt Shultz and Stephen Fry. Their attempts at doing the intros are both hilarious and strangely endearing.
  • Remember, kids: never accept cocks from strangers!
  • Fry calling Schultz 'dear' and Schultz, in response, calling Fry 'baby'.
  • At one point, Simon Amstell asks Shultz if, having left his Christian upbringing to become a rock star, he's worried he'll burn in Hell. Shultz's response is pure gold: "No, 'cause when I was young I accepted Jesus in my heart, and once he's in your heart he never goes away."

Episode 3
  • A culture-shocked Kelly Rowland tries to make sense of British humour:
    Kelly Rowland: (flicking water at Simon) The power of Christ compels you.
    Simon: (In mock horror) I'M A JEW! (Pause) But thank you for the water.
  • Simon saying that the reviews for the series have been mixed, because there's a crucial element missing… and he then reads a statement out from his hairdresser, about his haircut.
  • The impromptu game of "Who's desperately trying to become famous by standing next to the broadcaster Nick Grimshaw?"

Episode 7
  • Simon appears in a fuzzy pink rabbit suit in an effort to prove that the show is nothing but good, clean family fun. His guileless protestations of "But I'm a rabbit!" every time he's accused of lewd behaviour are priceless.
  • One song in the 'Intros' round was 'Hoppipolla', by Sigur Ros. Simon explained that the song was often used to make momentous events even more grandiose, and then cut to black and white footage of the team doing the intro to the song.

Episode 8
  • This exchange between Simon and Melanie C. (AKA Sporty Spice):
    Simon: Do you put condoms on a man before you have intercourse?
    Melanie C.: Do you?
    Simon: ... We just cuddle.

Episode 12
  • On one Intros round, Martin Freeman asked for his team to redo an Intro in reggae (and they also did calypso jazz for him) and Heston Blumenthal followed suit, asking his team to redo theirs in Mexican.

     Season 23 
Episode 1
  • Noel and Paloma Faith flirting.
  • Tom Clarke suggesting that, since people lacking one sense make up for it with their working senses, Morrissey has an enhanced sense of smell, since he obviously has no taste.
  • The entire panel making fun of Blue, most notably Phill likening Antony Costa to a terrier in one video, as he's the only band member who's never allowed on the bed. 'They just whack him off with a newspaper.' [beat] 'When I say whack him off with a newspaper…'
  • "Noel's team, you have eight. Phill's team, you have three." [beat] "You also have Paloma."
  • Guest host James Corden saying that there'll be no mocking of the panel on his watch, "Whether you're short, or fat, or old, or a bit weird, or... (looks at Paloma) I don't even know what that is..."
  • James told a story about Paloma doing a good deed, and Ben Miller cut in, saying that she told everyone later. Paloma indignantly told him that she'd only told one journalist...

Episode 5
  • When Jon Richardson was on Phill's team, he kept guessing "Winds of Change" by Scorpions whenever he did not know the answer in the Intros round. Later, in Next Lines, the song comes up and he doesn't recognise it.

Episode 8
  • Simon Bird (on Noel's team) has trouble with a song in the Intros round:
    Simon: Are the lyrics... it's something about "The lights are on but no-one's home... your mind is not your own..." ...what's the name of the song?
    Martin Freeman: And who did it?
    Simon: Yeah. All good questions, all good questions.
    Martin: The only two questions we want an answer to.
  • And then again:
    Noel: Well, you might as well have a guess, because, you know, imagine if you just got it.
    Simon: "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles. (beat) Is that correct?
    Martin: I'm afraid it's not correct. It's "In My Life" by the Beatles.
    Simon: (astonished) Is it?
    Martin: No.

Episode 11: Doctor Who special
  • The following pair of anecdotes read after the first round:
    David Tennant: McFly's song contained the lyrics "Nothing on Earth could save us when I fell in love with Uranus," which, as it happens, was a line removed from the pilot episode of Torchwood. [shakes fist] Barrowman! [growls] Dougie once received a thong in the post that had "Turn your erection in my direction" written on it. [shakes fist] Barrowman!
  • Tennant begins to read out a joke about Kylie Minogue's favourite bra selling for six grand on eBay, and Bernard Cribbins immediately asks "D'you wanna see it?" before he can get to the punchline. (Tennant then says that Cribbins' ad-lib was funnier than the scripted punchline.) Indeed, Cribbins' Deadpan Snarkery prompted Noel to suggest that he should come and write for The Mighty Boosh.
  • Catherine Tate flailing to remember the name of a Kylie Minogue song during the Intros Round, or her panicked guess at the lyrics to Bowie's song "Space Oddity" during "Next Lines" — "Ground Control to Major Tom... something about the cigarettes... do something with your haiiiiiiir..."
  • Pretty much every line out of Tate's mouth was a Crowning Moment, given her rather wacky thought process.
  • Noel's team having to pick Dr. Feelgood bassist John B. Sparks out of a line-up including a Dalek; they speculate that the real Sparks is probably hiding in the Dalek casing.
  • HE'S BACK AGAIN! THE HAWK! HE'S GOT THE FACE OF GARY BARLOW!
  • "I will tryyyyy... to fix you..."

     Season 24 
Episode 3
  • This episode pretty much defines Off the Rails, because it had Jack Dee as the host and Jedward as Noel's guests. Highlights included:
    • Phill telling Jedward "...in terms of this show, you do make Dappy look like Stephen Fry."
    • The Running Gag of people screaming 'SHUT UP!' at Jedward.
    • During the Identity Parade, Pat Sharp appeared as the fifth guest on both parades. During Noel's parade, he switched places with Phill, who then got Jedward to switch with Pat.
    • One of Jedward declaring that Noel is their mother, Phill is their father and Jack is their uncle. Jack promptly demanded a blood test.
    • Noel joking about feeling like a paedophile next to Jedward.
    • Jack commenting that Phill and Charlie looked like a gay couple trying to adopt a daughter.
    • During the Intros round, Phill and Eliza Dolittle were miming the intro to Meat Loaf's 'I Would Do Anything For Love' (which involves pianos). When Charlie Higson, Phill's third team member, said that he couldn't get it, Eliza offered to 'just do the fingers', by which she meant 'make the movement while not making any sound'. Phill pretty much had a Heroic BSOD, and he ended up splashing water on his face to knock himself out of it.

Episode 4
  • Sir Terry Wogan's impersonation of Louis Walsh. Noel Fielding then commented that he couldn't get over the hilarity of it.
  • James Blunt riding Phill like a pony while mimicking the intro to "Baba O'Riley".
  • Hell that whole episode was priceless, from the aforementioned incidents to a length discussion of C-3PO getting a blow job from Lou Reed to Terry Wogan ripping on literally everyone he can get his hands on.
    Rufus Hound: "I've done quite a few panel shows with different sorts of hosts, and normally, if they have a bit of a go at you you want to fight back. But when Terry says anything I just sit here thinking 'You're right, I am a c***!'"

Episode 6
  • Tim Minchin blatantly shipping Noel and Paloma Faith, and then Paloma jokes about how she's been stalking Noel.
  • Tim mocking guest DJ Target for his name, and the sound guys provided Tim with a special effect- whenever he mimes drawing a bow and shooting an arrow at DJ Target, the sound of someone doing just that plays.
  • Tim doing CPR on a dummy to the tune of 'Stayin' Alive' and forgetting to compress it because of the gestures.
  • Jason Donovan jokingly asking permission to blow his nose because 'everyone will think I'm back on the bizzo!'
  • Tim and Paloma dancing, including Tim flipping Noel off halfway through. Noel then called Tim out for moving in on his wife.

Episode 7
  • Tim Westwood hosting. He sounded like he was about to kill someone.
  • Phill had all four members of JLS as his guests- they kept rotating, and the three who weren't on the panel sat on a specially-constructed bench and drank tea. During their Next Lines round, half the time got taken up by Holly and one of the JLS members talking about his hat.
  • When Noel, Russell Watson did the Intros, they got Pat Sharp to help out because Phill got every member of JLS at once. Cue some very hilarious moments, such as Wiley saying that Russell looked like his lawyer and Russell saying that Noel looked like his mother. At one point, Holly Walsh said that Russell looked like he was doing a best man speech. In the next intro, instead of actually singing, Russell started giving a best man speech.
  • During the Identity Parade, Pat was one of Noel's possibilities (the celebrity in question being a black woman). Noel had to get everyone to stop him from picking Pat even though he knew it was ridiculous.

Episode 8
  • In the Intros round, Phill sang the opening guitar riff to Blur's "Country House", and guest host Lee Mack immediately interrupted by singing "Batman!" (the aforementioned riff sounding uncannily like the guitar riff from the theme to the Batman television series); Phill then made a second attempt after extracting a promise that Lee wouldn't sabotage the opening again, and this time Lee led the entire audience in a chorus of "Batman!" He insisted that twice was enough and three times would be overdoing the joke, but after Phill sang the opening riff for the third time, he stopped and glared at Lee, who simply shrugged innocently... and then a random audience member yelled "Batman!"
    Noel: Lee, that was my fault, I put the Riddler on the guest list!
  • Noel couldn't do one of the intros, so he decided to randomly cackle like a witch.
  • Southport-born, Blackburn-raised Lee making fun of Diana Vickers' incredibly Northern accent.
  • The running gag where Lee talked about wanting to have sex with Noel's mother. Noel wasn't too happy.

Episode 10
  • Noel thinks one of the identity parade members is his auntie. He's absolutely floored when she turns out to be the correct answer.
  • Phill glaring at Josh Groban every time he tried singing something.
  • At the end of the show, Josh said, 'Michael, join me! Phill, fuck off!'
  • Josh saying that he went on Glee so he could build a statue out of money.

Episode 11
  • Guest host Robert Webb and everyone else kept making fun of Chris Packham (who does a nature/animal-centric show) and decided that 'Chris Packham, animal watcher' was boring, so for the purposes of the show, he was Chris Packham, animal sodomizer.
  • During the Next Lines segment, whenever a song came up that featured animals in the lyrics, Robert said it was by Chris.
  • When talking about Bow Wow Wow (who did 'I Want Candy', among others), Robert said that they couldn't show one of their albums because it featured the band's (at the time) underage singer topless, so the closest they could get to showing a pair of tits was... a Jedward album. With their eyes blacked out.
  • Robert taking 'literal' to the extreme and telling guest Cee-Lo Green that, as his latest album was called 'Ladykiller', Robert would be extremely vexed if Cee-Lo killed any ladies.
  • During the Identity Parade, Noel's team ended up stuck between two options. Chris described this as being between a tapir and a panda, and Noel decided to go with Cee-Lo's choice, but he told him that should he be wrong, Noel would take away his bamboo.
  • Some of the responses to Next Lines. For example:
    Robert: "You don't have to be rich, to be my girl..."
    Example: But it would help?
  • And this one:
    Robert: "Lady, take me high up on a hillside..."
    Example: (grasping at straws) And do me proper?
    Robert: (pauses) No.
  • A brilliant one from Andi:
    Robert: "Waiting around the bend..."
    Andi: Is Chris Packham!
    Chris: I'll never be allowed back in a zoo!

Episode 12
  • The ideology war between Frankie Boyle (extreme pessimist) and Michelle Williams (optimist).
  • Frankie saying that Noel, who was dressed in a long coat and a red ruffled shirt, looked like a 'bisexual Doctor Who'.
  • Noel and Professor Green doing 'I Gotta Feeling' by the Black Eyed Peas while miming killing themselves in every way they could.
  • Professor Green responding to a cruel joke of Frankie's by rapping, 'That joke was funny, there's no question, but I'm not leaving, 'cause I'm not Preston'.

     Season 25 
Episode 2
  • Phill Jupitus being painted to look like a "dirty panda".

Episode 3
  • The Lorraine Kelly episode is absolutely golden, from Noel's "Team Abstract"(Stacey Solomon and Tony Law) coming up with ... odd explanations for how Wyclef Jean broke his hand, to Noel getting spanked, to Phill getting one of his legs waxed, to Lorraine Kelly's Wardrobe Malfunction necessitating her to leave the set, causing the teams to break out into chaos like a school class without a teacher, to a fantastic explanation of what the crowd does when someone lays down a good burn in a battle-rapnote .

Episode 4
  • In the episode hosted by Adam Buxton, 'Next Lines' was replaced with a round about Youtube comments (the panel were supposed to guess hidden words from the comments), including:
    • "Whoever dislikes this video is a meanny bo beanny terd poo poo face." (Noel's theory about the missing words in that one: "Whoever dislikes this video is an intricate charcoal drawing of a face.")
    • "DIS GUY MUST BE A ALIEN OR SUTIN"
  • The episode ended in a tie. The tiebreak question was "How many Mobys?"

Episode 12
  • John Barrowman happily dancing to the Mr. Blobby theme song, concurrent with Phill's repeated screams of "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!"
  • Noel, who was wearing a black and white outfit, imitated a fan during the Intros round.
  • The Wombles were in the Identity Parade. When the panel were trying and failing to remember the identity of the lone female Womble, someone summed it up as 'Who's that tart at the end?'

     Season 26 
Episode 7

Episode 9
  • The episode started with Alex Horne's swing section playing the theme. It only got better from there.
  • Noel's team consisted of himself, Paloma Faith and Tony Law, all of them wearing absolutely bizarre outfits. Alex decided to call out the weird outfits, and turned on Josh Widdicombe, who was dressed perfectly normally. Said outfits included Noel's 'mouse-cat' outfit, and Paloma's 'futuristic bull-fighter' ensemble, which concealed her superpower... granny tits. And no, context was not given.
  • Alex kept joking that because Josh was a member of the Order of the British Empire, he should be referred to as 'Josh Widdico, MBE'.

     Season 27 
Episode 1
  • The imaginary item shenanigans, such as James Acaster handing John Hannah an imaginary phone that John pretended to talk into, and then later, John pretending to smoke an imaginary blunt and handing it to Aluna Francis, who pretended to experimentally smoke it, handed it to Phill and then pretended to cough.

Episode 2
  • Lethal Bizzle is a guest, and guest host Russell decides to test just how "lethal" he is. This includes having him open an umbrella indoors, asking him if he'd walk around a building site without a hard hat, etc. The last thing he asks of Lethal is for him to say "Candyman" into a mirror five times. While Lethal is very casual about it, Stacey Solomon freaks out a bit. Nothing happens for a minute, until suddenly a man dressed in a black spandex suit with candy attached to him runs up on stage and simply growls and waves his hands in everyone's faces. Lethal's expression during this is especially amazing.

     Season 28 
  • The entirety of Rhod Gilbert's stint as host, from his very Welsh take on the opening round, "Whoop Whoop Dat's Da Sound of Da Police" (Phill: "I always wondered what it would sound like if Snoop was from the valleys!"), to his bitchfest with Greg Davies during the Intros round ("What do you use to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?"), to his accidentally reading out some of the answers in the Next Lines round, and especially this exchange with Noel Fielding (gibberish talker extraordinaire):
    Rhod: At the end of that round... you didn't score very much.
    Noel: You were panicking more than we were. I mean, there was a sense of urgency.
    Rhod: Yes, there was a sense of urgency! It's a sense of urgency 'cause that's meant to be a quick-fire round! That's not panicking!
    Noel: But you're Welsh, and with a sense of urgency! He's American! He had no fucking idea what you were talking about!
    Rhod: Yeah. I know, I am one for talking gibberish, Noel.
    • While Phill and Martin Kemp are performing an Elbow song in the Intros round, Greg Davies starts humming "True" for no apparent reason. This leads to him and Phill dramatically singing the entire first verse whilst Milking the Giant Cow dry, as Kemp facepalms in the corner.
    • Rhod saying that Phil Collins recently injured himself and thus was no longer able to play the drums. 'And if any viewers have any suggestions for what I should do with my other two wishes, let me know.'

     Unsorted 
  • In the Next Lines round when Bill Bailey keeps on trying to give silly answers, Mark flips out and attacks him with the cards. It's funnier than it sounds.
  • When asked to find a connection between Status Quo (whose lineup includes Francis Rossi) and the Pips (Gladys Knight's backing group)...
    Phill: Well, Rossi is the name of a famous Italian ice cream manufacturer.
    Rick Wakeman: Oh yeah! And the Pip in the middle plays the cornet!
  • The time Mark mentioned every Spice Girl in a joke in almost every round, including the Identity Parade.
  • A guest once interpreted one of the lyrics in a Dutch metal song as 'bright arse is a plan of beautiful bits', and Lamarr interjected with "It's better than 'Bright arse, burning like fire', innit?"
  • Adam Hills explaining what 'Waltzing Matilda' actually means, and then he says that for years, Australians have been singing, 'Shagging a mattress, shagging a mattress..."
  • Mark joking about writing songs about kicking Welshmen.
    • The 'scratch and sniff' running gag.
    • Bill and Mark mishearing 'Anything Goes' as 'Anything Goats'.