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- Bruce Dickinson really gets into the first round, jumping up on the table and flipping around. He has a few you can see in the first part of the episode
- Phill comparing Bob Dylan's singing to 'someone hoovering'.
- In the Freeze Frame round, Sean's team are given a clip of King Missile's "Detachable Penis" (the song is exactly what you think it's about). All three men on the team are so amused by the song that they keep bringing it up through the rest of the episode.
- Next Lines:
Mark: "The ones who ain't good looking..."Phill: Usually go round Sean's house.(cut to Sean looking embarrassed)
- Bob Mortimer, when he had to paraphrase song titles without saying any of the words from the titles:
- "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick": "I require you to strike Bob, utilising a drummer's wand."
- "Mr Blobby": "Pink Spotty Rubber Twat." Which was enough for Sean to guess the title immediately.
- In Freeze Frame, Phill's team are given a clip of former boxer Chris Eubank lisping his way through the Top Of The Tops chart rundown. Through the whole clip you can clearly hear Phill beside himself with laughter. It got even worse when it was revealed the answer (which they guessed correctly) was "Cecelia" by Suggs at number six (or as it ended up sounding: "Thikth, Thethelia by Thuggth").
Mark: Eubank didn’t finish his chart rundown. His next song was Sigue Sigue Sputnik singing "She Sells Sanctuary"... and the studio had to be evacuated because they thought the sprinklers had gone off.
- In a round of Indecipherable Lyrics, Jeff Green seems to think "Wuthering Heights" by Kate Bush is the story of a man called Roland falling into some brie on the moors.
- Again in Indecipherable Lyrics, using the song "Scum" by Napalm Death. The "lyrics" to decipher are basically guttural growling into the microphone, which Phill interprets as: "I bought a lovely donkey at Widdecombe Fair".
- Mark’s intro to the Indecipherable Lyrics round: "So if you thought Whitney Houston sang ‘I’m shaving off my muff for you’, this round is for you".
- Phill's theory that it's impossible for a guy to sing and orgasm simultaneously, complete with Grunting Orgasm noises. A few minutes later, Sean makes fun of Phill's orgasm noises by doing his own noises.
- During the Connections round when trying to find the connection between Ozzy Osbourne and Guns N' Roses, guest Richard Fairbrass of Right Said Fred makes a guess that both artists "abused a Toberlone bar in a hotel"note , to which Mark then twists it to imply that Richard did the same thing. Later on in Next Lines, Sean would call-back to the anecdote by singing the word "Toberlone".
Mark: "I'm every woman..."Billy Bragg: (beat) It's inside me?Mark: No, you're close.Billy: It's inside him? (points to Richard)Sean: (singing) Tob-ler-ooone!
- Phill, Brian Molko and Bruce Dickinson making up cheese-themed lyrics to 'Tumbling Dice' by The Rolling Stones.
- Sean making up lyrics and getting to a bit which is either 'baguette' or 'baddiel'. When he said 'baddiel', everyone turned to look at guest David Baddiel, who just stared back, giving no fucks. When they actually sung the line, though, he ended up giving Sean the finger.
- Brian's miming during the Intros round.
- Bruce telling Brian to 'stick your thumb in your mouth' while he and Phill were joking about how young Brian was at the time. Brian's response was 'Anything else you'd like me to stick in my mouth?' which Bruce didn't really have a response for.
- This is the episode where the producers decided to screw around with the regulars:
Mark: (looking and sounding bored) Is it number one, Mark one? Number two, me too? Number three, the king of grease? Number four, The Wiltshire Sheep Worrier? I'm not even saying number five!Phill: Or is it number five, Quiff Richard?
- In Connections, Phill's team have to work out the link between Björk, Toyah Willcox and Sean, leading to Jeff Green asking if they were all things thought of to delay orgasm.note
- Earlier in the show, while trying to identify the lyrics to "Pink Sunshine" by Fuzzbox, Phill thought one of the lyrics equated to the band sounding like drowning cats. In the Identity Parade, Phill's team had to find two members of the band. Phill's face said it all.
- Saving the best for last, Sean's team had to find two members of The Wurzels... all dressed in suit combos and quiffs similar to Mark!
- Sean's team (including Noddy Holder) is asked to find the connection between Shane MacGowan of the Pogues and Annie Lennox.note First Sean asks Noddy as "you're the Christmas expert", then he guesses several non-Christmas-related possibilities and Mark has to remind him that this is a Christmas show and so it'll be a Christmas connection...
Sean: Do...they both get pissed at Christmas?Sean: They... (beat) ...they both...love...Christmas.
- Mark gives a Crosses the Line Twice speech borrowing liberally from every generic tribute to every dead musician, but about the 'death' of Michael Bolton's hair. Complete with Elton John tribute song, "Tangled In The Wind".
- From Next Lines:
Mark: "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart..."Boy George: But the very next day, you said I was-Mark: NO!!!
Mark: "Silent night, holy night..."Sean: I feel like chicken tonight?
- Just a few seconds later:
- Phill's team are given a Meat Loaf video in Freeze Frame, which leads to this comment:
Donna McPhail: He looks like an uglier version of Phill there.Phill: SERIES THREE, BUSINESS AS USUAL.
- In the same segment, Cerys Matthews comments that she fancies Meat Loaf, to which Mark replies "When did you start fancying Meat Loaf, before you’d seen another man?". Followed by Sean joking that she doesn't know better because Wales (where she's from) isn't known for attractive men.
- In the debut of the round "Word Up", Phill's team is asked to identify the meaning of the word "Bismillah" in Bohemian Rhapsody.
Phill: Does it mean "four men in a dark room trying to blow out a very high candle"?
- After Phill's team make a mess of the Intros round, Mark decides to pass it over. Cut to Sean's team all reading newspapers.
- This entire exchange during the Intros Round:
Sean: The answer will be on my cock if you're ever in trouble! Just look down, it'll be our secret!Phill: Sean, if the answer's on your cock, the only band you'd get on there is U2.Mark: I've seen a-ha on a warm night!Phill: Whereas I've got The Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Band.Mark: And I've got the lyrics to "Gilly, Gilly, Ossenfeffer, Katzenellenbogen by the Sea".
- Keith Chegwin was on Sean's team in this episode, in which the first round can be summed up in this single quote (watch the episode to find out why):
Phill: We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, then Cheggers started talking about walloping! It's been a nightmare night out!
- Jah Wobble's air drums during a rendition of "Low Rider" in the Intros round.
- Comedian Arthur Smith starting a running gag about everyone (even Andrew Lloyd-Webber) being better looking than Sean. During the Intros round, Mark gives Sean grief for using a comb that ended up sounding nothing like the record. This culminated in Arthur saying:
"The point is, Mark, they got it right. It’s just you being horrible because Sean’s upset that everyone now realizes that he’s ugly".
- Having a summer theme for what is meant to be a Christmas special because "the BBC are bound to rerun this show in July". They even had a Hawaiian slide guitar as the 'time's up klaxon' in Next Lines.
- This is the episode where Athelston makes his first appearance.
Sean: I'm worried about the fella!
- Athelston's second appearance. After trying to "stare him out", Phill pretends to have been hypnotised, and shortly afterwards Mark and Sean join in by aimlessly wandering around the set.
Phill: I guess this is what happens when you do take too much Viagra.
- In a "Next Lines" game:
Mark: "Vindaloo, Vindaloo, Vindaloo, Vindaloo...?"
- As mentioned on the main page under Bilingual Bonus, Sean used an amusing Irish Gaelic phrase to determine who was the real Linda Nolan. However, what was really great about that round was that one of the members of the lineup to identify a member of the all-girl Irish band The Nolans was Athelston.
- After Mark reveals he has a crush on Björk, Phill does his impression of her (but really, it's pretty hard to transcribe):
Phill: Whee, hnip, znip, whee, hnipzip whee (Shocking Swerve) as a boy...
- After Mark and Phill spend several minutes mocking guest Toyah Willcox's supposed lack of intelligence, she gets fed up and threatens to "come over and fist you both". Hilarity Ensues.
- Phill, Tony Wright and Howard Jones come up with an Indecipherable Lyrics for "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders, creating a story about Chrissie Hynde going driving with a German decorator called Dieter and his brother Gunther. When she's discovered to have no passport, she gets out of it by cooking them a meal and/or giving out sexual favours:
"Dull mushrooms, strained emulsion. Been driving, Dieter Lehning. No visa, so send some police in. Gonna bake you, bake you, bake you lettuce! Gunther, use my arse! Gunther, use old eggs! Gunther use mustard! Gunther use my sausage! Gunther use my fiddlers! Gunther, use my, my, my, mashed potatoes!"note
- While doing the Intros, Bill and Sean did 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight', and Bill decided to add to it by imitating the calls of jungle animals by randomly screaming.
- Sean's round of the Identity Parade had one artist from a rockabilly group, three extras and Mark as number five ("because you're going to make the jokes anyway"). Naturally, Sean and Bill picked Mark, and he flipped his shit.
- When Phill and Tony were trying to recreate the cover of The Clash's album London Calling, Mark flat out said what it was and Howard still didn't get it.
- The running gag where after a Crosses the Line Twice gag from Mark, he would follow it up with a "it's the first *insert celebrity here* joke of the series!", complete with streamers and party music playing in the background.
- Mark offers bonus points to anyone who insults R.E.M. vocalist Michael Stipe.
Sean: What a tosser he is.Mark: One point!
- After Mark decides to screw around with the final scores by giving Phill's team four points for each answer in Next Lines regardless of whether they were right or not, Marianne Faithfull complains about it being unfair and starts sulking. When Mark notices that Gail Porter is sulking as well, he asks "is it a full moon?".
- The Christmas Episode features a live Intros round with Bill Bailey (before he became a team captain) and Rick Wakeman in wizard outfits. and they keep inserting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer into the songs, against Mark's wishes.
- Daphne, Celeste and Phill's performance of Beck's "Sexx Laws" in the intros round — the reactions of the other guests and Mark are priceless.
- In the same round, Sean's attempts at imitating the ad libs from "Oops... I Did It Again" end up sounding more like a dying seal.
- After Shampoo's "Trouble" shows up in Next Lines:
Mark: Does anyone remember them?Celeste: They're in Japan.Mark: Well, let that be a lesson for you.
- From Next Lines:
Mark: "I beg your pardon..."Bradley Walsh: I just farted.(audience laughs)Sean: I never promised you a rose garden?Mark: Yes it is.Sean: (turning to Bradley) That was your one!Mark: "Her hair is Harlow gold..."Bradley: And her minge is as bald as a badger.(cut to Phill raising his mug in appreciation)
- Mel B trying to teach Sean to be sassy. It fails horribly.
- Jo Brand deciding to try Cutting the Knot by calling out the celebrity's name in the Identity Parade. It doesn't work, but points for trying.
- Phill flat out asks Mel and Mark to have sex and get it over with, after they spend several minutes bickering.
- From the Next Lines round:
Mark: Sean, that is appalling!
- Everyone else's horrified reaction upon getting the joke once Mark mentioned who the song was by really put the cherry on the cake.
- Next Lines:
Mark: "And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time..."Rich Hall: No shit.
- This episode featured part of an Alice in Chains video ('Them Bones', to be precise). It's probably not quite as funny as it was when the episode first aired, considering Layne Staley would die a year later of a heroin overdose, but the comments former East 17 member Brian Harvey make about the video are surprisingly funny.
Brian: Look at his eyes, he's definitely on somethin'. I've seen that look before! Sittin' in the corner of a club chewin' a hole in your own face.
- Most of what Dave Mustaine says. When asked why Elton John stormed off-stage during a concert in Australia, he responded, "I think he was unhappy with the floral display. Someone put roses on his piano and he really wanted tulips on his organ."
- Slash's appearance as a panellist.
Slash: My family in Stoke are watching this. My cousin's gonna be sitting there going, "What the hell's he doing?"Mark: Yeah, and he won't be alone.
- During a round of Band Names, Phill redubbed the music video for Procol Harum's "A Whiter Shade Of Pale" to make it sound like an ad for Lord Lucan's Fashion House.
- For the entire episode, both Mark and Sean ripped Popstars-reject Darius to pieces for his infamous appearance on the reality show.
- Dani Filth, the lead singer of black metal band Cradle of Filth, was a guest on Phill's team. His bizarre contribution to the intro for 'Have You Seen Her?' by the Chi-Lites led Mark Lamarr to remark, "I think Phill was doing 'Have You Seen Her?' and Danny was doing 'Have You Seen Her? Because I Buried her Around Here Somewhere'."
- Filth (jokingly) telling Lamarr he needs to 'get with the times' and the subsequent look on Lamarr's face.
- "You're being a silly goose now, Mr Filth!"
- During the intros round, Phill and guest Tony Mortimer had to get guest Jon Culshaw to identify "Burn, Baby Burn" by Ash. After they first do it, John just can't figure it out, even with Phill imitating part of the song in Jon's face. Mark asked them to do it again, but longer. They do, but Tony breaks up whil Phill continues.
Mark: You see, these batteries last a lot longer.
Sean: What if Tony Blair was guessing? (winks to the camera)Jon: (as Tony Blair) Well, if I think Tony Blair was guessing, he would not know the answer, either.
- Immediately, Jon asked the opposing team.
Mark: Sorry, I meant to say... (taps his nose and points to Jon)
- Jon then requested Mark to act it out. Mark immediately pulled out a lighter and pretended to light a piece of paper on fire. Jon got it right away.
- Sean's team that episode featured Richard Fairbrass and then-editor of Kerrang! magazine Phil Alexander. At one point we get this exchange:
Phil: (to Richard) Should we swap roles? Maybe I’ll do the camp bits and you’ll do the metal.Mark: Oh, right, you’ll be the editor of Kerrang! for a long time if you’re doing the camp bits.Phil: What are you saying?Mark: At least it might mean that some of your readers could have sex.
- Mark's "VOICE OF ROCK" running gag, complete with lightning crackle.
- During the Intros round:
Phil: It’s not that old guy, is it?Sean: It’s an old song, hence the shooby-dooby.Phil: What, shooby-dooby means old, does it?Sean: Well, I don’t think bloody Limp Bizkit are gonna go "MY WAY OR THE SHOOBY-DOOBY!"Mark: (Voice Of Rock voice) STRAAANGERS IN THE NIIIIIGHT...Sean: SHOOBY-DOOBY!
- During the Intros round, Boy George asks to show off the back of his jacket, which is revealed to have "EARTH GIRLS R EASY" on, to which Mark quips "how would you know?".
- For the entire episode, Mark and Pete Burns constantly bickered over the answers. This exchange pretty much sums up the episode:
Mark: Alright, let’s have a vote then, to whether you’re wrong or right.Pete: I don’t care, because IN MY MIND, I’m right.Mark: Well, that’s a good way of working it out then. In YOUR MIND, you get some points.Pete: Fabulous… that’s great. And that’s the way we’re gonna carry on with the rest of the show, because in MY MIND… I’ve already won.Sean: Is my car waiting outside?Mark: (deadpan) Well, you might as well go. You’ve won already.
- Later on:
Pete: I think children all over the world will go to bed tonight learning something from us.Mark: Not to watch Buzzcocks next week?
- During the Intros round, Mark and Kerry Katona end up arguing about her incorrect phrasing of the song title, Mark then tells her to “watch it on your anniversary, it won’t feel so bad... if you’re still together”.
Mark: I sincerely apologize for that… she’s not even married two weeks and I made that joke.Sean: (faux-rage) TWO WEEKS AND THE BABY’S FIVE-MONTHS OLD??? IN IRELAND???Mark: Luckily, where they live, no one worked it out.(nervous audience laughter)Mark: I apologize, though much less sincerely.Kerry: Whatever.Mark: Oooh, it’s Mariah Kerry.
- After bickering with Pete during the Intros round, Sean gets fed up and randomly decides to pull a random cameraman onto the set and takes charge of the guy's camera. It then cuts to the blurry video footage from said camera which makes it more funny.
- Guest Alexander O'Neal's surprise rap during a question on "Bob The Builder".
Mark: I bet you're like me. You never thought when you woke up this morning, you'd see Alexander O'Neal putting the smackdown on Bob the Builder.
- Later during the question, Mark had to set a firecracker off to liven things up.
Mark: And I want a baked potato. You would clap fireworks, wouldn't you?
- We're shown a shot of Brian May looking exceptionally smug. Bill's team spend a minute just coming up with things he might be smug about.
Bill: I've just re-wired my house. (nods smugly)Barry Cryer: I do my own conveyances! (nods)Bill: I took the time to do it right. (nods)Mark: I've just bought a Breville, and made myself a nice cheese toastie. (nods)Bill: My hands are immersed in cream. (nods) I've got a faulty appliance, but I kept the receipt! (nods)
- Mark deciding to cheer up Alison Goldfrapp by singing her favourite song in the style of M People, which consisted of him singing like a combination of The Swedish Chef and Mr. Bean to the tune of the song.
- The Intros round consisted of two panellists dancing on Dance Dance Revolution-like pads while having the songs playing on their headphones. Their remaining teammate had to guess what the songs were by the panellists humming. This went about as well as you'd expect. When Sabina Washington and Bill tried it, Mark kept giving Sabrina grief about her supposedly wearing a wig, so she'd occasionally turn and flip him off as she danced.
- The Next Lines round was done by two separate choirs. When a gospel choir sang 'Justified & Ancient', Mark laughed so hard he nearly fell out of his chair (and his laughter sounded like he was hiccupping). The other choir doing "Hot In Herre", "Anarchy In The UK" and "Baby Got Back", to much acclaim.
- The Next Lines round when Bill keeps on trying to give silly answers, Mark flips out and attacks him with the cards. It's funnier than it sounds.
- The Identity Parade required Bill's team to pick out the stunt dog featured in a music video. After Mark finished giving the joke names of the line-up, right on queue, two of the dogs walked off as if to say "I didn't like that joke".
- Mark accusing Melanie Blatt of cheating during the Intros round, drinking her water, spilling it all over himself and then refilling the cup by pouring the water from his bottle all over the desk.
- Simon Amstell (in his last appearance on the panel instead of in the host's chair) saying that next to Phill and Melanie, he felt like he was on a camping trip with daddy and daddy's new special friend.
- Simon suggesting that since it was the last episode, everyone should sing songs and set each other on fire. Mark promptly started singing a song about Simon being on fire, and Bill and Phill turned it into rounds.
- This was Simon Amstell's first episode as [guest] host. It featured the following exchange:
Simon: How young are you?Kenzie: I just turned twenty.Simon: OK. Kenzie's sweet, isn't he? Isn't Kenzie sweet?Audience: (affirms this)Simon: Why don't you tell the nice BBC viewers what your song "Flip Reverse It" was about?Kenzie: Um... women.Russell: Women? It was about anal in a truck!
- It got better: Simon then asked Kenzie what the song is about, and Kenzie managed to make up some bullshit about how it's about turning your life around and going back to the way things were, and the lyrics didn't have to always mean sex. He then protested that Simon was putting him on the spot, and his mother was going to watch it and he didn't want her thinking that her son was like that. Cue this gem:
Kenzie: I've got a girlfriend at the moment, what's she going to think of this?Phill: I don't know, can she sit?
- Russell joking that when Kenzie started singing on the Intros round, the ears of the other members of Blazin' Squad pricked up 'like funky meerkats'. "Kenzie's in trouble! We gotta save him!"
- Simon Amstell, Supply Teacher. "You're only making things worse for yourself!"
- The episode's guest host was Ricky Wilson of the Kaiser Chiefs, and in the last round of questions Phill kept answering by singing Kaiser Chiefs songs. "We've only got one album, you're going to run out eventually!"
- Ryan Jarman's claim: "I invented Live 8." He then goes on to justify this claim.
- "I'm contractually obliged to say 'I predict a laugh riot!' I feel so dirty."
- After watching a Girls Aloud video, Phill's team looks at a shot of the five women in a garage. Phill says 'Look at them, will you?' and Phil Nickol says helpfully, 'Look at the [tyre] rims!'
- Phill's impression of then Cheryl Tweedy following a part of the video where it looks like she's stealing a tyre:
"Look at all these tyas lyin' aboot! Ah'm avin' these!"
- Bill and Alesha Dixon trying to do a Foreigner song for the Intros. It went so badly that at one point, Simon pulled out fellow guest Anthea Turner's biography and started reading it.
- Amy Winehouse's opinion on Ben Elton:
Simon: But he is a bit of a sellout isn't he?Amy: I don't thing there's such thing as integrity or being a sellout, I just thing he's a wanker!
- One of the line-up in the Identity Parade had a bag of chocolate-covered nuts. Cue Phill and Alex Pennie jumping over the bench to nick some off him.
- Amy told the other line-up that they should pay Simon back for the insults. Simon pointed out that they do get paid and they are aware beforehand that they'll get insulted, and Andrew Maxwell chimed in, saying that 'They get paid, they know what's going to happen' made Simon sound like a pimp.
- The 'Gay-Off' between Simon Amstell and John Barrowman ("You've out-gayed me, Barrowman!")
- From the same episode:
John Barrowman: Does a vagina wiggle? Not that I've ever seen one. So please, inform me.Simon: Well, I'm not an expert...Phill Jupitus: There's nothing quite like the TV stylings of two homosexuals talking about fannies...
- Simon throwing in a running gag about Daniel Bedingfield having recorded his last album naked, especially a bit where he invited the audience to imagine Daniel naked, and looked extremely happy to be doing so.
- After Simon tried to get the audience to say whose side they were on, and got lots of cheers for Bill and some boos for Phill, Phill answered one line in Next Lines with 'Ah, fuck 'em. No.'
- Simon's spirited attempt to start a feud between Jamelia and Lily Allen. It doesn't work.
- Simon trying to mimic Jamelia's dance moves by writhing around on his chair.
- Perhaps one of the show's more memorable episode features Towers Of London vocalist Donny Tourette as one of the panelists. Donny is continuously mocked and ridiculed for his increasingly obvious commentary which, for the most part, he is either too vacant or vain to even notice.
- The sheer awfulness of Donny's attempts at humour. At one point the audience groaned at a "joke" of his, and he snapped:
Donny: Oh, for fuck's sake, not very sharp, are you!?
- At one point, Donny comments that Bill would "be at home on the streets."
Simon Amstell: Let me explain. Bill is a professional comedian. You won't win!
- Later in the episode:
Donny Tourette: The only reason I'm on the show is 'cause you told everyone you fancied me, dude!Simon Amstell: No, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people!
- Later still:
Donny Tourette: Yeah, well here's what I think of you! [grabs his own crotch in an insulting gesture]Simon Amstell: You think me a small penis? Well, I never!
- Bill's team doing one of the intros, and Noel had no idea what it was. The entire audience chimed in to say that they knew.
- Simon's "authentic punk dancing", which Noel comments is "like a child dizzy on lemonade."
- The sheer awfulness of Donny's attempts at humour. At one point the audience groaned at a "joke" of his, and he snapped:
- Simon Amstell's reaction to Preston storming off in a huff after reacting very badly to being made fun of: a nonchalant "Oh no, we can't lose Preston." The moment also provides a Moment of Awesome mixed in - Bill Bailey immediately went into the audience, found a man who looked a little like Preston, and convinced him to sit in for the rest of the show. The stand-in almost immediately proved himself a more good-humoured participant than Preston had been.
- After struggling to and failing to find the connection between Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent, Ed Byrne suggests that Simon should just tell them the answer. Simon points out that they won't get the point, and Ed replies, "I'll take your point and shove it up your arse!" and then when Simon says he'll tell them the answer, Ed says, "It'd better be fuckin' interesting!"
- Phill's answer to the line "Call me, call me anytime": "This call may be recorded for training purposes".
- One episode in season 21 had a guest drop out at the last minute. When asked what his excuse was, Simon said, "Lee can't be here because he's an awful bastard."
- During an intros round, Simon delivered the line, "We also heard "Let's Dance" by David Bowie. David Bowie played Pontius Pilate in "The Last Temptation of Christ". I'm not saying he was wooden, but a certain Mr. Jesus Christ was nailed to him." Immediately after, the lights around began to flash and we heard a voice say, "Congratulations! It's the worst joke of the show!" Simon immediately shook hands with Phill, then guests Jermaine Jackson and David Cross.
- An early question on Franz Ferdinand lead singer Alex Kapranos led to this story from Noel Fielding:
Noel: He doesn't talk to me, because, my girlfriend pushed his girlfriend over. laughsSimon: What happened, exactly?Noel: It was a really good fall, too, she just sort of went... (Noel mimes someone falling over while waving their hands in the air and looking distressed) Trying to grab on to nothing. (Noel mimes it again.) And I laughed, and turned to Alex, and said "That was funny!" and he went "...oh, that's your girlfriend?...I'm gonna go."Simon: Has she ever pushed you over?Noel: She's pushed me over many a time. She'd definitely push you over. You're so light, though, you'd just sort of float away.
- Simon's hilariously bitchy exchange with Noel Fielding about his brand of humour.
Noel Fielding: Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow.Simon Amstell: (sarcastically) With a pair of scissors made of glitter?Noel Fielding: No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!
- This exchange was worth noting too. Simon had a go at Noel for not inviting him out to go partying with people like Courtney Love.
Noel Fielding: (to guest) You know Courtney Love, don't you?Ryan: Yeah, I know Courtney.Simon Amstell: Everybody knows Courtney Love.Noel Fielding: She'd crush you like a Twiglet.Simon Amstell: She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide.(A caption then flashes up on the screen saying SIMON AMSTELL IS DEFINITELY WRONG. Presumably to make sure The BBC didn't get sued.)
- Richard Fleeschman's epic comeback at Simon near the end. Simon, as per usual, had been taking the piss out of him for various things, including the fact that he once won Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes with a Will Young song. Obviously, the Next Lines round contained a line from Will Young:
Simon: "I think I better leave right now..."Richard: "...before I fall any deeper."Simon: Correct. I prefer the Fleeschmann version.Richard: If you must know, I did "Evergreen". Do your research. Lamarr would have done it.
- Early in the episode, there was a brief quiz game called "Davro or Dennis?", where Simon read out facts about either Les Dennis or guest Bobby Davro and the teams had to guess which one it applied to. Noel pressed the buzzer, not to answer but just to press the buzzer, and a buzzer war between Noel and Phill ensued with Simon pathetically trying to take control.
Simon: Quiet, please!Phill: Simon, get the phone!Noel: Simon, you're like one of those useless supply teachers.Simon: WE WORKED REALLY HARD ON DAVRO OR DENNIS!
- Noel's team answering one question in dance, and the way they asked to do it:
Simon: But who has their own brand of metal detector? That's the question I'm asking.Kristen Schaal: (completely sincerely) This is a really important question.Simon: Yes.Kristen: (still sincere) And we would like to answer it.Simon: (trying not to laugh) ...you may.Noel: In a different way than usual. We'd like to express the answer in dance.
- Bill and Irwin Sparkes doing the intros round. After a crack from Simon about not blowing too hard because they both have asthma, both men grabbed their inhalers and worked using them into their (terrible) attempt at the intro (which sounded like a seal and a walrus trying to sing).
- Bill joking that his inhaler was bigger than Irwin's.
- Simon saying that he can't make a joke about a court case because it's still ongoing. "Instead, here's some soft jazz." Cue several seconds of soft jazz while the panel just looked blank.
- One of the guests was Miquita Oliver, Simon's former co-host on Popworld. Their banter started out with them joking about Simon being her bitch, and then quickly progressed to Simon calling her an alcoholic sociopath.
- Simon's intro for Patrick Wolf commented on Wolf calling Mika a twat. He then introduced Miquita, and said that she'd called Mika a (long string of beeps).
- When trying to work out the next line of a Vengaboys song, Patrick ended up singing every song of theirs that he knew until Simon pointed out that he still didn't get any points.
- The line-ups featured a Bill Bailey lookalike.
- Simon getting a comedy wall, in the style of Hear'say. Before, Simon showed a clip of Hear'say's actual comedy wall. Phill commented that he hadn't been that angry about a wall since Berlin.
- Vic Reeves saying "There comes a time in every man's life when he must do a song for an animated sheep."
- When Jon McClure of Reverend and the Makers was a guest, Simon pulled a cup of tea and some cakes out of nowhere and offered them to him, while calling him Reverend like he was actually talking to a priest- and later, he got out some sherry and gave that to Jon as well.
- Simon said to KT Tunstall that she should get more press, like Amy Winehouse or Lily Allen. KT replied that one was on drugs and the other was pregnant, and Simon suggested that she should pair up with Jeremy Edwards. The poor man was mortified.
- Sam Duckworth (also known as Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly) saying that he picked the stage name so he wouldn't be in the same league as James Blunt, and then responding to some tuts from the audience by saying that there were obviously some middle-aged Ford Escort-driving James Blunt fans in the audience.
- Simon asking Christopher Biggins if he planned to continue being an actor, or if he planned to continue the consumption of genitalia (having eaten a kangaroo dick for a reality show).
- When Simon asked Robyn what her shirt said ('Robyn is here'), Phill commented that they had to talk Christopher into taking off his 'I Eat Kangaroo Cock' shirt.
- Simon talked about the low parts of Christopher's life, and pointed out one time in which he had to file for bankruptcy, but some of his friends helped him out. Simon pointedly asked who didn't, and the rest of the team put their hands up.
- Sophie Ellis-Bextor said that she was married, to which fellow guest James Lance replied, "Ah, shit."
- "Your CV reads like... like a good CV!"
- "It's James Lance!"
- Tim Minchin saying that James was so good-looking and English that he just wanted to punch him in the face.
- Yannis climbing onto his chair in the Intros round because he's short. Phill then asked, "I'm really fat, so what do I do?"
- 'Rihanna' in the Biggie to Smalls round was wearing a hat that completely covered the top half of her face and made her look like she had no eyes, so Simon nded up trying to look under the hat to see who she actually was.
- Upon losing, Tim and Yannis cheered and high-fived each other while declaring that they were professional losers.
- James Nesbitt talking about getting a dog. When Simon asked why the dog's breed was named so, James said, 'Because it is, I mean, why are you called Simon?' Simon joked that it was a legacy from EastEnders.
- After describing James as someone who 'the women want to sleep with and the men want to have a pint with', Simon pulled out a pint and was followed by everyone else on the panel.
- The rigmarole around Chris O'Dowd possibly proposing to his girlfriend on the show.
- Playing the Andy Scott-Lee card. Later in the Identity Parade, he returned as one of the options... for a female musician.
- After Moby explained that people really hate him and he thinks it's because he's just a generally annoying person, Simon gave us this conversation:
Simon: Dale, is there anything Moby can do about his personality?Dale Winton: What starsign are you?Moby: Virgo.Dale: Ah, well...
- Simon asked Moby and Jamelia to provide some moments for the best of special. Moby put on a sombrero and did a dance which involved wiggling his crotch in front of Simon's face. Simon gave Jamelia a bottle and suggested that she smash it on Bill's head, and she delightedly obliged (and during one of the Intros, she grabbed another bottle and did it again, seemingly for the lulz).
- The whole rigmarole with the chicken.
- Phill Jupitus and Simon Amstell mime "No Air" in reference to the absence of Bill Bailey.
- When Stephen Fry was serving as a guest captain, his buzzer was "I'M A NATIONAL FUCKING TREASURE!"
- The combination of Matt Shultz and Stephen Fry. Their attempts at doing the intros are both hilarious and strangely endearing.
- Remember, kids: never accept cocks from strangers!
- Fry calling Schultz 'dear' and Schultz, in response, calling Fry 'baby'.
- At one point, Simon Amstell asks Shultz if, having left his Christian upbringing to become a rock star, he's worried he'll burn in Hell. Shultz's response is pure gold: "No, 'cause when I was young I accepted Jesus in my heart, and once he's in your heart he never goes away."
- A culture-shocked Kelly Rowland tries to make sense of British humour:
Kelly Rowland: (flicking water at Simon) The power of Christ compels you.Simon: (In mock horror) I'M A JEW! (Pause) But thank you for the water.
- Simon saying that the reviews for the series have been mixed, because there's a crucial element missing… and he then reads a statement out from his hairdresser, about his haircut.
- The impromptu game of "Who's desperately trying to become famous by standing next to the broadcaster Nick Grimshaw?"
- Simon appears in a fuzzy pink rabbit suit in an effort to prove that the show is nothing but good, clean family fun. His guileless protestations of "But I'm a rabbit!" every time he's accused of lewd behaviour are priceless.
- One song in the 'Intros' round was 'Hoppipolla', by Sigur Ros. Simon explained that the song was often used to make momentous events even more grandiose, and then cut to black and white footage of the team doing the intro to the song.
- This exchange between Simon and Melanie C. (AKA Sporty Spice):
Simon: Do you put condoms on a man before you have intercourse?Melanie C.: Do you?Simon: ... We just cuddle.
- On one Intros round, Martin Freeman asked for his team to redo an Intro in reggae (and they also did calypso jazz for him) and Heston Blumenthal followed suit, asking his team to redo theirs in Mexican.
- Josh Groban, with help from Omid Djalili, almost gets way too into performing the reggae version of "Don't Look Back Into The Sun" for Freeman in different styles.
"Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, pass the joint!"
- Josh Groban, with help from Omid Djalili, almost gets way too into performing the reggae version of "Don't Look Back Into The Sun" for Freeman in different styles.
- Noel and Paloma Faith flirting.
- Tom Clarke suggesting that, since people lacking one sense make up for it with their working senses, Morrissey has an enhanced sense of smell, since he obviously has no taste.
- The entire panel making fun of Blue, most notably Phill likening Antony Costa to a terrier in one video, as he's the only band member who's never allowed on the bed. 'They just whack him off with a newspaper.' [beat] 'When I say whack him off with a newspaper…'
- "Noel's team, you have eight. Phill's team, you have three." [beat] "You also have Paloma."
- Guest host James Corden saying that there'll be no mocking of the panel on his watch, "Whether you're short, or fat, or old, or a bit weird, or... (looks at Paloma) I don't even know what that is..."
- James told a story about Paloma doing a good deed, and Ben Miller cut in, saying that she told everyone later. Paloma indignantly told him that she'd only told one journalist...
- The entirety of Rhod Gilbert's stint as host, from his very Welsh take on the opening round, "Whoop Whoop Dat's Da Sound of Da Police" (Phill: "I always wondered what it would sound like if Snoop was from the valleys!"), to his bitchfest with Greg Davies during the Intros round ("What do you use to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?"), to his accidentally reading out some of the answers in the Next Lines round, and especially this exchange with Noel Fielding (gibberish talker extraordinaire):
Rhod: At the end of that round... you didn't score very much.Noel: You were panicking more than we were. I mean, there was a sense of urgency.Rhod: Yes, there was a sense of urgency! It's a sense of urgency 'cause that's meant to be a quick-fire round! That's not panicking!Noel: But you're Welsh, and with a sense of urgency! He's American! He had no fucking idea what you were talking about!Rhod: Yeah. I know, I am one for talking gibberish, Noel.
- While Phill and Martin Kemp are performing an Elbow song in the Intros round, Greg Davies starts humming "True" for no apparent reason. This leads to him and Phill dramatically singing the entire first verse whilst Milking the Giant Cow dry, as Kemp facepalms in the corner.
- Rhod saying that Phil Collins recently injured himself and thus was no longer able to play the drums. 'And if any viewers have any suggestions for what I should do with my other two wishes, let me know.'
- When Jon Richardson was on Phill's team, he kept guessing "Winds of Change" by Scorpions whenever he did not know the answer in the Intros round. Later, in Next Lines, the song comes up and he doesn't recognise it.
- Simon Bird (on Noel's team) has trouble with a song in the Intros round:
Simon: Are the lyrics... it's something about "The lights are on but no-one's home... your mind is not your own..." ...what's the name of the song?
Martin Freeman: And who did it?
Simon: Yeah. All good questions, all good questions.
Martin: The only two questions we want an answer to.
- And then again:
Noel: Well, you might as well have a guess, because, you know, imagine if you just got it.
Simon: "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles. (beat) Is that correct?
Martin: I'm afraid it's not correct. It's "In My Life" by the Beatles.
Simon: (astonished) Is it?
- The following pair of anecdotes read after the first round:
David Tennant: McFly's song contained the lyrics "Nothing on Earth could save us when I fell in love with Uranus," which, as it happens, was a line removed from the pilot episode of Torchwood. [shakes fist] Barrowman! [growls] Dougie once received a thong in the post that had "Turn your erection in my direction" written on it. [shakes fist] Barrowman!
- Tennant begins to read out a joke about Kylie Minogue's favourite bra selling for six grand on eBay, and Bernard Cribbins immediately asks "D'you wanna see it?" before he can get to the punchline. (Tennant then says that Cribbins' ad-lib was funnier than the scripted punchline.) Indeed, Cribbins' Deadpan Snarkery prompted Noel to suggest that he should come and write for The Mighty Boosh.
- Catherine Tate flailing to remember the name of a Kylie Minogue song during the Intros Round, or her panicked guess at the lyrics to Bowie's song "Space Oddity" during "Next Lines" — "Ground Control to Major Tom... something about the cigarettes... do something with your haiiiiiiir..."
- Pretty much every line out of Tate's mouth was a Crowning Moment, given her rather wacky thought process.
- Noel's team having to pick Dr. Feelgood bassist John B. Sparks out of a line-up including a Dalek; they speculate that the real Sparks is probably hiding in the Dalek casing.
- HE'S BACK AGAIN! THE HAWK! HE'S GOT THE FACE OF GARY BARLOW!
- "I will tryyyyy... to fix you..."
- This episode pretty much defines Off the Rails, because it had Jack Dee as the host and Jedward as Noel's guests. Highlights included:
- Phill telling Jedward "...in terms of this show, you do make Dappy look like Stephen Fry."
- The Running Gag of people screaming 'SHUT UP!' at Jedward.
- During the Identity Parade, Pat Sharp appeared as the fifth guest on both parades. During Noel's parade, he switched places with Phill, who then got Jedward to switch with Pat.
- One of Jedward declaring that Noel is their mother, Phill is their father and Jack is their uncle. Jack promptly demanded a blood test.
- Noel joking about feeling like a paedophile next to Jedward.
- Jack commenting that Phill and Charlie looked like a gay couple trying to adopt a daughter.
- During the Intros round, Phill and Eliza Dolittle were miming the intro to Meat Loaf's 'I Would Do Anything For Love' (which involves pianos). When Charlie Higson, Phill's third team member, said that he couldn't get it, Eliza offered to 'just do the fingers', by which she meant 'make the movement while not making any sound'. Phill pretty much had a Heroic B.S.O.D., and he ended up splashing water on his face to knock himself out of it.
- Sir Terry Wogan's impersonation of Louis Walsh. Noel Fielding then commented that he couldn't get over the hilarity of it.
- James Blunt riding Phill like a pony while mimicking the intro to "Baba O'Riley".
- Hell that whole episode was priceless, from the aforementioned incidents to a length discussion of C-3PO getting a blow job from Lou Reed to Terry Wogan ripping on literally everyone he can get his hands on.
Rufus Hound: "I've done quite a few panel shows with different sorts of hosts, and normally, if they have a bit of a go at you you want to fight back. But when Terry says anything I just sit here thinking 'You're right, I am a c***!'"
- Tim Minchin blatantly shipping Noel and Paloma Faith, and then Paloma jokes about how she's been stalking Noel.
- Tim mocking guest DJ Target for his name, and the sound guys provided Tim with a special effect- whenever he mimes drawing a bow and shooting an arrow at DJ Target, the sound of someone doing just that plays.
- Tim doing CPR on a dummy to the tune of 'Stayin' Alive' and forgetting to compress it because of the gestures.
- Jason Donovan jokingly asking permission to blow his nose because 'everyone will think I'm back on the bizzo!'
- Tim and Paloma dancing, including Tim flipping Noel off halfway through. Noel then called Tim out for moving in on his wife.
- Tim Westwood hosting. He sounded like he was about to kill someone.
- Phill had all four members of JLS as his guests- they kept rotating, and the three who weren't on the panel sat on a specially-constructed bench and drank tea. During their Next Lines round, half the time got taken up by Holly and one of the JLS members talking about his hat.
- When Noel, Russell Watson did the Intros, they got Pat Sharp to help out because Phill got every member of JLS at once. Cue some very hilarious moments, such as Wiley saying that Russell looked like his lawyer and Russell saying that Noel looked like his mother. At one point, Holly Walsh said that Russell looked like he was doing a best man speech. In the next intro, instead of actually singing, Russell started giving a best man speech.
- During the Identity Parade, Pat was one of Noel's possibilities (the celebrity in question being a black woman). Noel had to get everyone to stop him from picking Pat even though he knew it was ridiculous.
- In the Intros round, Phill sang the opening guitar riff to Blur's "Country House", and guest host Lee Mack immediately interrupted by singing "Batman!" (the aforementioned riff sounding uncannily like the guitar riff from the theme to the Batman television series); Phill then made a second attempt after extracting a promise that Lee wouldn't sabotage the opening again, and this time Lee led the entire audience in a chorus of "Batman!" He insisted that twice was enough and three times would be overdoing the joke, but after Phill sang the opening riff for the third time, he stopped and glared at Lee, who simply shrugged innocently... and then a random audience member yelled "Batman!"
Noel: Lee, that was my fault, I put the Riddler on the guest list!
- Noel couldn't do one of the intros, so he decided to randomly cackle like a witch.
- Southport-born, Blackburn-raised Lee making fun of Diana Vickers' incredibly Northern accent.
- The running gag where Lee talked about wanting to have sex with Noel's mother. Noel wasn't too happy.
- Noel thinks one of the identity parade members is his auntie. He's absolutely floored when she turns out to be the correct answer.
- Phill glaring at Josh Groban every time he tried singing something.
- At the end of the show, Josh said, 'Michael, join me! Phill, fuck off!'
- Josh saying that he went on Glee so he could build a statue out of money.
- Guest host Robert Webb and everyone else kept making fun of Chris Packham (who does a nature/animal-centric show) and decided that 'Chris Packham, animal watcher' was boring, so for the purposes of the show, he was Chris Packham, animal sodomizer.
- During the Next Lines segment, whenever a song came up that featured animals in the lyrics, Robert said it was by Chris.
- When talking about Bow Wow Wow (who did 'I Want Candy', among others), Robert said that they couldn't show one of their albums because it featured the band's (at the time) underage singer topless, so the closest they could get to showing a pair of tits was... a Jedward album. With their eyes blacked out.
- Robert taking 'literal' to the extreme and telling guest Cee-Lo Green that, as his latest album was called 'Ladykiller', Robert would be extremely vexed if Cee-Lo killed any ladies.
- During the Identity Parade, Noel's team ended up stuck between two options. Chris described this as being between a tapir and a panda, and Noel decided to go with Cee-Lo's choice, but he told him that should he be wrong, Noel would take away his bamboo.
- Some of the responses to Next Lines. For example:
Robert: "You don't have to be rich, to be my girl..."Example: But it would help?
- And this one:
Robert: "Lady, take me high up on a hillside..."Example: (grasping at straws) And do me proper?Robert: (pauses) No.
- A brilliant one from Andi:
Robert: "Waiting around the bend..."Andi: Is Chris Packham!Chris: I'll never be allowed back in a zoo!
- The ideology war between Frankie Boyle (extreme pessimist) and Michelle Williams (optimist).
- Frankie introducing Michelle: "As a member of Destiny's Child, she's one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world—'s friend.
- Frankie saying that Noel, who was dressed in a long coat and a red ruffled shirt, looked like a 'bisexual Doctor Who'.
- Noel and Professor Green doing 'I Gotta Feeling' by the Black Eyed Peas while miming killing themselves in every way they could.
- Professor Green responding to a cruel joke of Frankie's by rapping, 'That joke was funny, there's no question, but I'm not leaving, 'cause I'm not Preston'.
- Phill Jupitus being painted to look like a "dirty panda".
- The Lorraine Kelly episode is absolutely golden, from Noel's "Team Abstract"(Stacey Solomon and Tony Law) coming up with ... odd explanations for how Wyclef Jean broke his hand, to Noel getting spanked, to Phill getting one of his legs waxed, to Lorraine Kelly's Wardrobe Malfunction necessitating her to leave the set, causing the teams to break out into chaos like a school class without a teacher, to a fantastic explanation of what the crowd does when someone lays down a good burn in a battle-rapnote .
- In the episode hosted by Adam Buxton, 'Next Lines' was replaced with a round about Youtube comments (the panel were supposed to guess hidden words from the comments), including:
- "Whoever dislikes this video is a meanny bo beanny terd poo poo face." (Noel's theory about the missing words in that one: "Whoever dislikes this video is an intricate charcoal drawing of a face.")
- "DIS GUY MUST BE A ALIEN OR SUTIN"
- The episode ended in a tie. The tiebreak question was "How many Mobys?"
- John Barrowman happily dancing to the Mr. Blobby theme song, concurrent with Phill's repeated screams of "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!"
- Noel, who was wearing a black and white outfit, imitated a fan during the Intros round.
- The Wombles were in the Identity Parade. When the panel were trying and failing to remember the identity of the lone female Womble, someone summed it up as 'Who's that tart at the end?'
- The entire episode hosted by Richard Ayoade is gold from start to finish, but highlights include Richard declaring that he wasn't going to "resort to jokes, the coward's way out," Richard scolding guest Ed Sheeran for accidentally giving the other team the answer and the audience for thinking it was cute ("don't 'awww' him!"), and Ed being bashful when Shingai Shoniwa mentions "spend[ing] the night together" and replying that he tends to "pass out around the second time."
- The episode started with Alex Horne's swing section playing the theme. It only got better from there.
- Noel's team consisted of himself, Paloma Faith and Tony Law, all of them wearing absolutely bizarre outfits. Alex decided to call out the weird outfits, and turned on Josh Widdicombe, who was dressed perfectly normally. Said outfits included Noel's 'mouse-cat' outfit, and Paloma's 'futuristic bull-fighter' ensemble, which concealed her superpower... granny tits. And no, context was not given.
- Alex kept joking that because Josh was a member of the Order of the British Empire, he should be referred to as 'Josh Widdico, MBE'.
- The imaginary item shenanigans, such as James Acaster handing John Hannah an imaginary phone that John pretended to talk into, and then later, John pretending to smoke an imaginary blunt and handing it to Aluna Francis, who pretended to experimentally smoke it, handed it to Phill and then pretended to cough.
- Lethal Bizzle is a guest, and guest host Russell decides to test just how "lethal" he is. This includes having him open an umbrella indoors, asking him if he'd walk around a building site without a hard hat, etc. The last thing he asks of Lethal is for him to say "Candyman" into a mirror five times. While Lethal is very casual about it, Stacey Solomon freaks out a bit. Nothing happens for a minute, until suddenly a man dressed in a black spandex suit with candy attached to him runs up on stage and simply growls and waves his hands in everyone's faces. Lethal's expression during this is especially amazing.
- Eamonn Holmes hosting the show dressed like Elvis.
- Rizzle Kicks 'apologising' to a musician they had a Twitter fight with while making a certain hand gesture.
- Huey Morgan randomly smashing his mug and walking off.
- Paul Foot's random acts of insanity.
- Alfie Boe's marvellous rendition of "Squirrels Ate My Cake".
- Phill and Tom's rendition of "Goldfinger".
- All the Redd Pepper shenanigans.
- Dizzee Rascal being unable to pronounce 'contractually'.
- Jamie Cullum's piano shenanigans.
- Noel's attempt to do a handstand, which ends up knocking over both him and Phill.
- Seann Walsh recognising one of the people in the Identity Parade as a guy he went to school with and caught the bus with.
- Rhod asking both stars from the Identity Parade for some advice about houses, as they're both tradesmen.
- The music video for the second star's band featured the four band members on a lazy susan with snow flying around, so the Identity Parade had four of the people on a lazy susan with the fifth on a ladder throwing artificial snow at them.
- Noel's clown dress.
- Noel declaring that he doesn't believe in time as a concept.
- Sarah Millican reading erotic fiction in her high-pitched Geordie accent.
- The fiction itself was absolutely terrible.
- When asked to find a connection between Status Quo (whose lineup includes Francis Rossi) and the Pips (Gladys Knight's backing group)...
Phill: Well, Rossi is the name of a famous Italian ice cream manufacturer.Rick Wakeman: Oh yeah! And the Pip in the middle plays the cornet!
- The time Mark mentioned every Spice Girl in a joke in almost every round, including the Identity Parade.
- A guest once interpreted one of the lyrics in a Dutch metal song as 'bright arse is a plan of beautiful bits', and Lamarr interjected with "It's better than 'Bright arse, burning like fire', innit?"
- Adam Hills explaining what 'Waltzing Matilda' actually means, and then he says that for years, Australians have been singing, 'Shagging a mattress, shagging a mattress..."
- Mark joking about writing songs about kicking Welshmen.
- The 'scratch and sniff' running gag.
- Bill and Mark mishearing 'Anything Goes' as 'Anything Goats'.