1x01 - Pilot
- Jess explaining the reason she's looking for a new apartment to the guys.
Jess: I'm sorry, what was the question again?
Nick: Do you have any pets?
- The first appearance of the Douchebag Jar.
- One of Nick's pros of living with a woman is that they are really good at folding.
- Schmidt makes the executive decision of allowing Jess live with them:
- Jess talking with her mom on the phone while watching Dirty Dancing again:
Jess: No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. No, I don't think so??
Jess: (To Nick) Hey, are you gonna murder me because you're a stranger I met on the Internet?
Nick: Yes I am.
Jess: He says no.
- "I don't think she knows what motor-boating means".
- Coach motivating a woman at the gym.
- Schmidt taking any excuse to remove his shirt.
Cece: Please put your shirt back on. Please don't make me laugh at you.
- "I was gonna go milk my cows with my bucket".
- The guys showing up at the restaurant where Jess has been stood up is this as well as a Heartwarming moment.
Coach: (to the tune of the Dirty Dancing theme) There's bears in my house...
- Jess and Nick messing with Schmidt.
- "The Team logo is a fig, just one single fig."
- Winston freaking out at Jess.
Jess: (singing) I'm Jess!
Winston: What's happening? Why are you doing that!?
- Winston plotting to get his room back.
Winston: They have a saying in Latvia: 'That guy is so stupid, we could easily take things away from him'.
- Jess talking with Spencer about the girl he cheated on her with.
Spencer: We have a lot in common. Obviously we both love bikes.
Jess: I love bikes.
Spencer: Not enough...
- Jess trying to steal a TV from a pawnshop.
- The guys seeing Spencer for the first time.
Nick: That's the Wizard? He's wearing a scrunchie.
Winston: He looks like he juggles clubs on the beach.
Cece: Yeah, like he'd ever have a job.
Schmidt: Didn't you just kind of assume he'd have a handlebar mustache?
- Schmidt talking about jam in an attempt to get Spencer to give Jess her shirt back.
- The guys wearing Jess' hats are this as well as a Heartwarming moment.
- Jess explains that while most people do the chickens dance one way and demonstrates with the more common motions, she likes to do a peck because it's more realistic.
- The gang doing the chicken dance in slow motion.
- Winston's feud with the alternate usher.
- Jess trying to make it seem like she is really into Nick.
Jess: Your head is shaped like a yam.
Nick: Yeah, I know. I can't wear soft hats.
- Jess inadvertently threatening the girl Schmidt is interested in.
- Gretchen tying Schmidt down and making him wear her clip-on earrings while showing him her vacation photos.
- Schmidt and Jess trying to motivate Nick for his first date in a while.
Schmidt: Nick, you're gonna be fine. Don't worry about it, you know, just suck in the gut.
Nick: What gut?
Jess: The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.
- Winston catching up with everything that happened in America while he was in Latvia.
- Schmidt's reasoning for why he should know what Nick's 'private parts' looks like.
Winston: Why do you want to see it?
Schmidt: What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he is horribly disfigured and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts. And I'm standing there and I'm saying: "Sorry Officer, I can't help you because I haven't seen his penis." And them boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.
Winston: Again, why do you want to see it?
- "Nick is fragile, like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself."
- Jess keeping a travel sized Feeling Stick.
- Jess (naked and wearing a blanket) getting stuck in Nicks bedroom when he brings home a girl.
Jess: Hi, I'm Jess. Welcome to our home.
- "You ripped my deep V! This was my favorite Deep V!"
- The guys hanging out at home, with Schmidt wearing a really short kimono.
Nick: What happened to you?
Nick: You didn't use to be like this Schmidt.
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Nick: You've gotten so much worse.
- Jess and Cece walking in on Schmidt and Winston having a fight, with Winston covered in tissues and toilet paper.
- One of the things Schmidt likes about India are cobras in baskets.
- Schmidt pronouncing chutney as "chut-a-ney".
- Schmidt vs. the Bird-Cat.
- Jess tries to warn Schmidt that Cece isn't right for him.
Schmidt: Was that true that Cece would eat me up? 'Cause I got the prime rib, yo. Carving station, sneeze guard, kids eat for free. Let's just forget that last part, though.
- The guys' plans for Thanksgiving ends with them heading to Best Buy for Black Friday.
Winston: Or as I like to call it: Friday.
- The Attempts to defrost Hank the turkey.
- Jess and Nick's argument outside the door.
- Winston complaining about his temp job.
Winston: I'm losing my mind guys. You know I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something.
- Schmidt calling a pair of pliers a scissor.
- Nick un-fixing things.
- Schmidt trying to squeeze the conditioner out of Nick's hair.
- The dress rehearsal.
- Nick and Winston are going over their recent failures while drinking a beer on the roof.
Nick: You know what sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you for way too long, they've got too much on ya.
Nick: I want friends who still lie to me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.
- Nick's fear of hair salons and barbers.
- Schmidt at his boss' baby shower.
- Jess and Paul's sexual role-play with her as Bette Davis and him as Jimmy Stewart.
- The guys skating around the apartment on their new roller-skates (that Jess got them for Christmas).
Schmidt: I have figure skating lessons until I was thirteen and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.
- Nick comforting Paul because he thinks Jess had already talked to him and then getting stuck on the balcony with Paul and Jess.
Nick: This is my nightmare!
- Cece trying on the perfume Schmidt made for her and immediately choking.
Winston: That is bad, but the weird kind of bad that makes you want to smell it again.
- Winston connecting with the son of Schmidt's boss.
- Schmidt refusing to dress as sexy Santa Claus, Cinco de Sexy or sexy Martin Luther King.
- Nick has missed his flight home for the past four years so his mom keeps calling to make sure that he gets to the airport on time.
Winston: What kind of airline has flights that leave at 4AM?
Nick: The kind that I can afford.
- Winston and Nick telling Jess about the guys that Schmidt are friends with.
Nick: You are not emotionally, mentally and spiritually prepared to throw these D-bags a party.
- Jess wants to order a stripper with both a heart and crotch of gold.
- The stripper they end up sending turns out to be a man that questions the workmanship of the pole. He also does wet towel tricks.
- The montage of Schmidt's various Douchebag Jar filling acts.
Hey Winston, did you know that NWA does not stand for "Never Walk Alone"?
- Nick doesn't believe that dinosaurs existed.
"I've seen the science, I don't believe it."
- "And my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!"
- Schmidt walking from the bathroom to his bedroom in a tiny towel and slipping.
- Schmidt freaking out over the fact that he Nick have been using the same towel.
- The guys implementing their plan for when the Landlord finds out that there is one too many people living in their loft.
Schmidt: Call me Jimmy!
Nick: This is what we trained for guys.
- Nick's reason for seeing the worst in people.
Jess: You always see the worst in people.
Nick: Because people are the worst.
(Cut to a young Nick finding some money on the sidewalk.)
Young!Nick: Five bucks! Look out college here I come!
(Someone pushes him over into some bushes and takes the money.)
Young!Nick: That's it, people stink.
Jess: You must have been doing something.
Nick: Are you seriously defending the man who pushed me into the bushes?
- A stranger and his nana giving young Jess candy.
- Schmidt's 2007 new years resolution list.
"Find out where Winston gets his sparkle and then steal it".
- Remy makes wine and cheese in the basement.
- Schmidt getting arrested by some security guards.
- Remy thinking he's about to have a 3-way with Jess and Nick.
Remy: I've never done a threesome. That's what we're doing here right?
Nick: This I did not expect.
- Nick is willing to do a threesome with Remy just to get Jess to admit she's wrong.
Nick: I think we can do a lot worse than Remy, he's got strong arms.
- The three of them getting ready to some music, while Remy talks them through it. Remy also appoints Nick as the 'Underpants Captain'.
- Schmidt doing a sexy dance while Japanese businessmen watch.
- The magnificent clusterfuck that is Jess' attempt at a one night stand on Valentines Day. Complete with Schmidt's tires getting stolen, Jess attempting to tie a knot in a cherry stem and almost choking, and a liberal dose of shrooms.
- Nick and Julia's intern Cliff hanging out and drinking champagne.
- Everyone showing up at the house where Jess is attempting a one night stand.
- Schmidt's advice for having a one night stand.
"Whatever you do, leave immediately afterwards. God help you if you get sucked into a brunch."
- The first appearance of Theodore K. Mullins.
Winston: (As Theodore K. Mullins) Damn, Schmidt. In our bed? Where we shave each other? I've always loved you. You're my boo.
- Nick completely overthinking the cactus Julia got him and almost immediately destroying it on accident.
- The expression of helpless arousal mingled with horrified self-loathing on Cece's face, as Schmidt tries to seduce her back into bed by comparing himself to different kinds of cheese.
Cece: And I want you to know, that was the last time, okay? This is over.
Schmidt: But we haven't even gotten to the cheese course. A little sharp, aged cheddar? Mm-hm. Manchego? Maybe some buttery Gruyère? You sure you wanna miss out? I just wanna slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.
Cece: What are you even saying?
Schmidt: How about a little stinky taleggio?
Cece: Why is this working? I am so turned on right now.
- After Jess admits to sabotaging one of her student's science projects.
Winston: You're daughter sucks, okay. She is a demon seed, she is the spawn of Satan. And I do believe I speak for the entire human race when I say that people like her should not be building robots!
- Nick finally breaking down.
- Winston trying to get the mechanic to fix his car.
Mechanic: This is not really officially a car anymore.
- Also the sound that the car makes.
- Schmidt trying to Fredo kiss Nick.
- Winston's previous experience of speaking at a funeral.
Winston: It did not go well.
- Winston reminding Nick of the money he owes him from the previous night's poker game by showing him the message he wrote on Nick's stomach.
- Winston's speech to Nick in attempt to get Nick to repay his debt.
Winston: I have recently tumbled down the socioeconomic ladder and have hit rock-bottom where you, Nick Miller, have been waiting patiently for the past fifteen years. But I want that money. Give me my money. I really mean it, it's my money. You owe me that money, so give me my money. Seriously.
- Jess trying to get Schmidt to relax at the beach and Schmidt freaking out over the living statue.
- Jess is upset that she can't get Schmidt to go back to being uptight.
Nick: Look Jess, being friends with Schmidt is really complicated, because you want to change him so badly but you cant, cuz he'll just get worse.
- Nick, Winston and Jess agreeing that Schmidt is the mother in their 'family'.
- Nick's bargaining chip in getting Schmidt back to the way he was before is allowing Schmidt to clean his room. Schmidt refers to Nick's room as his 'White Whale'.
- Jess got Schmidt some designer trousers.
- Nick needs a new phone. The guy helping him is so amazed at Nick's credit score that he calls all the other employees to come look. One of them asks if he just woke up from being in a coma.
Jess: Two Fifty? You get One Fifty just for being alive.
- Later Winston says he has the Credit Score of a homeless ghost.
- Jess' excuse for not being able to take Russell's car is that she doesn't know how to drive a car that works.
- Nick falling in love with Russell's study.
- Nick motivating Jess.
- Schmidt's monologue during Winston and Shelby's first kiss as a real couple.
Schmidt: Shelby, be careful with his mustache, please; it's very delicate. I can't watch this any more. Winston, I hope you're better in bed because your street work is embarrassing. Am I talking too much? I don't wanna ruin the moment. You know what; if this was my grandmother's building, she'd be outside on the patio yelling down at you and she'd be saying, "You look beautiful, the two of you are a beautiful couple, I'm glad you found one another," but she wouldn't invite you up because she's a horrible racist. You want me to put on some Jodeci?
- The guys debating what cartoon animal Dirk is.
- Schmidt's names for Cece's breasts are Harold and Kumar.
- "Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?"
- Winston passionately singing along to the Wicked soundtrack on the way to Mexico.
- The border guard asking Winston to explain the presence of naked Schmidt and Cece in back of the car.
Winston: I can't Sir. No one in the entire world can explain that.
- Winston freaking out after finding out that Schmidt and Cece are sleeping together.
- Cece's excuse for why she can't join Jess on a run as well as Nadia's glee at Schmidt hiding in the couch.
- Winston forcibly telling Nick about Winston and Cece and Nick's expression afterwards.
- Schmidt teaching Nick how to be a douche then Jess catches them in bed.
"Oh, my God, is this happening too?"
Nick: This is really weird, Schmidt.
- Before that:
Winston: It's one of the weirder things we've done.
- The guys sharing their secrets with Jess.
- The montage of Jess telling Cece everything.
- "That's second base? That means I'm not a virgin anymore."
- "Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?"
- Cece's Noodle Incident:
Cece: I had to give it a try, Jess. That was the same hand that was inside Elmo.
- Winston pretending to be gay so Nick's two bickering girlfriends would leave.
- Winston questioning Cece about why she is sleeping with Schmidt.
- The very first glimpse of True American with Schmidt throwing tennis balls at Winston from the dining room table and Nick demanding Winston sacrifice himself on the couch.
- Jess complimenting the guys after returning home for the first time in a week.
Jess: Winston, that's almost a mustache.
Winston: Yeah, it's creepy and thin just like I like it.
- Winston's interview.
- The message warning him from taking the job.
- Alvin setting Winston "free" by lying to his mom.
- Jess setting rules for when Russell's daughter visits.
Jess: (To Nick) Please put on some pants. Everything you say sounds really creepy when you're not wearing pants.
Nick: Your hair looks nice.
Jess and Winston: Ugh.
Nick: This coffee is smoldering.
Jess: So creepy.
- Winston's adventure in trying to get his boss to an interview.
- "I love him! I wanna rub my face on his face!"
- Schmidt flirting with Nick to make Cece jealous.
- Sarah likes Jess' life.
- Sarah doesn't want to come out of Jess' room because she is too embarrassed.
Jess: In front of us? We are literally the most embarrassing people on the planet. Trust me.
- Nick's announcement that he is going to dedicate himself to growing tomatoes.
- Including the part where he flirts with Russell.
- Schmidt and Nadia's "date". If you could call it that.
Schmidt: In America, honey, Mickey Mouse is earthbound.
- Schmidt in the hospital because he broke his penis.
Schmidt: I can't be certain of this but I'm almost positive that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle.
- Jess and Nick having a ass fight.
- Winston messing with Schmidt.
- Two words: Tom Waits.
- Everyone's comments on Winston's earring.
- Schmidt gets turned on by the weirdest things.
- Cece's grandma is awesome.
"If you hurt her, I will let myself die and then I will haunt you.
- Jess finding out that Paul cheated on his girlfriend with her. And that his girlfriend is a Asian version of her.
- Past!Nick's DVD on the dangers of dating Caroline.
- Nick's mousetrap which is a doll in a suit holding a hammer.
Jess: He's not fooling anyone. You think just cuz he's a snappy dresser the mice don't see the hammer? Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy-witch.
- Neil, the weird new roommate.
- Winston's fear of the dark.
- Jess attempts to scare off a potential roommate by hissing at him.
- Remy is sad that Nick is moving out.
Remy: I loved the way he smelled...
- Winston is afraid that the werewolves will come out at night.
"I don't want anybody to eat me! I got thick thighs! I've got a fat ass!
- Schmidt pronouncing wolf as woof.
- Jess trying to deal with the coyote by going "Meep Meep".
- Winston turning up in the morning after having run off into the desert the night before.
Winston: I had an experience. I think I made out with the side of a dune.
- Winston dressed as a cop for Halloween, reaching for the gun of a real cop.
- Winston suffering from "Sympathetic PMS".
- Nick's finished zombie novel which Winston professes as the worst thing he's ever read. Contains an unsolvable word search.
- "Gave me cookie, got you cookie!"
- Winston's utter Freak Out! during "Bathtub"
- In Santa, Nick attempts to give Angie a lapdance. Then Angie gives Nick a lapdance, only to be interrupted by Schmidt, who tries to show her how to do it right. Until Nick wriggles out from under him.
- Jess and guns.
- When Winston and Schmidt freak out because they thought a guy was about to rob them and when the guy freaked out because he thought they were kidnapping him.
- Nick's "master disguise" persona, Julius Pepperwood.
"Thin crust pizza? No thanks, I'm from Chicago."
- "Quick Hardening Caulk". From Nick and Jess's innuendo filled trip to the hardware store, Jess doped up on painpills, and Nick and Jess's aquarium shattering attempt at sex, the whole thing is a riot.
- Winston's first kiss with Daisy.
Daisy: "C minus. You kiss like a damn bitch."
- Jess attempts to give Schmidt a purple nurple.
Jess: Where are your nipples, man?!
Schmidt: ...I'll never tell. *chuckles*
- "...Burkas isn't you guys, right?"
- Nick stripping to his underwear and dancing like an idiot for Russian gangsters. Context? What context?
- From "Pepperwood", Jess's reactions to Edgar's story.
- Back in season 2, Jess had to go to a job interview while she's PMS'ing and she gets emotional about the portrait of the interviewer's dead dog.
(sobbing uncontrollably) PUPPYYYYYY!...........IN A!...........CUUUUUUUUUUP! (pulls it together) So, we're both dog people, right?
- Jess's list of "Alternatives to Intercourse" for her class.
*Get to know a neighbor
* Tick/lice check
* Change your email password
* Look at pics of STDs
* Write a convict
* Meet a friend for decaf
* Watch Friday Night Lights
- Between Cece, Nick and Coach getting stoned off their asses and Jess going on several awful dates, "Dice" is a whole episode of solid hilarity.
- "Julie Berkmans Older Sister" is full of funny moments.
Nick: Which side does the dirty stuff go on?
- The focus group. Which is mostly Nick, Winston and Coach shouting "Sponge!"
- Nick proving to be such a slob that he doesn't know how a sponge works.
- Jess getting sideswiped by a passing bicyclist.
- Schmidt's Big "NO!" when he hears Cece discussing breast reduction surgery. From across the hallway. With the door closed.
- Schmidt saying goodbye to Cece's breasts. We don't hear what he's saying because he has put earplugs on Cece so she can't hear ("It's a private conversation"), so his actions are made all the funnier without context; at one point he appears to be playing peek-a-boo with them.
- Jess bonding with the camp airport employee Barry in "LAXmas"
- Every second of Prince's appearance. Especially when he first meets Jess and Nick.
Prince: Hello, I'm Prince. What seems to be the problem? [stunned silence] Oh forgive me, I haven't given you enough time to freak out yet. You may do so now. [Jess squees super hard, Nick just faints]
- Nick and Schmidt's complete inability to get on with each other when they're business partners. Coupled with:
Jess: Guys, stop fighting! You're upsetting Winston.
[cut to Winston watching them fight with a beaming smile on his face as if it's the most entertaining thing ever]
- Nick and Jess's One Dialogue, Two Conversations, in which Jess thinks they're talking about how he's scared to commit to Cece, and Nick thinks they're talking about how he doesn't want to get a popcorn machine for the bar.
- Winston's cop partner Ally making Jess's useless date Fred go through the world's most prolonged and dance-licious sobriety test:
Ally: Oh, this is very terrible. I don't believe you. Can you put, like, a jazz spin on that? [Fred does jazz hands] Look like an acorn. [Fred crouches] Start spinning. [Fred starts rotating] That's actually pretty good.
- "Well, get ready for the skin circus, you little peanut!"
- What really sells it is Nick's "Now that I say it, it sounds gross" expression the moment after he says this.
- The montage of Schmidt and Cece looking at wedding venues: the first place seems promising until a guy wearing a hazmat suit walks in bearing a violently crackling Geiger counter and shaking his head no; the second place is a derelict barn which Schmidt tries to pretend isn't setting off his allergies; and the third place is a warehouse with a startup company, where the employees immediately freak out the minute they realise that the fact that their warehouse is soon to be vacant means that the company is about to go down the toilet.
Startup company CEO: [to Schmidt and Cece, as the employees are grabbing all the gear they can carry and fleeing the building] Hey, you guys, kind of not cool. You were supposed to text me before you got here.
- Winston loves being a cop:
Winston: Sam, friend face: good to see you. Cop face: 300 feet away from her.Sam: When did you become a cop, dude?Winston: Oh, not too long ago.Sam: Congrats.Winston: [beaming] Thank you. I appreciate that. It's nothing, you know. I get to do a lot of cool stuff on the job. I once slid across the hood of a car. I scratched it all up. I didn't have to pay for it, you know. 'Cause I'm a cop, so...
- When Nick and Schmidt get into a dispute with Connie, the owner of the cooler bar down the street, Nick decides to defuse it by calling a meeting of all the businesses on the block, which he then presides over as if it's the meeting of the Five Families in The Godfather.
Nick: [solmenly] I've gathered the families here today, to end this terrible, terrible, unnecessary war. So, thank you. Connie and I have had our battles, but today we make our peace. She's of the north. She's the owner of Presh.Connie: What is this? I only came because you said you were suing me for what I did, which, by the way, was nothing.Nick: I lied to ensure your presence.Connie: Good Lord.
- It turns out Winston is colorblind.
Schmidt: Winston! If you think those shoes are brown, what color do you think you are?!
- When Nick goes into the haunted house to look for Jess. He doesn't realize that Jess is dressed as a clown, so as soon as she sneaks up on him he Screams Like a Little Girl and punches her.