Funny / New Girl

  • The montage of Schmidt's various Douchebag Jar filling acts during "Story of the fifty".
    Hey Winston, did you know that NWA does not stand for "Never Walk Alone"?
  • Jess explains that while most people do the chickens dance one way and demonstrates with the more common motions, she likes to do a peck because it's more realistic.
    • The gang doing the chicken dance in slow motion.
  • Winston passionately singing along to the Wicked soundtrack on the way to Mexico.
  • Winston pretending to be gay so Nick's two bickering girlfriends would leave.
  • "I was gonna go milk my cows with my bucket".
  • ''"Is it weird that he wants me to speak in a low voice and call me Kevin?"''
  • Schmidt teaching Nick how to be a douche then Jess catches them in bed.
    "Oh, my God, is this happening too?"
  • "I love him! I wanna rub my face on his face!"
  • Jess and Paul sexual role-play with her as Bette Davis and him as Jimmy Stewart.
  • The landlord thinking he's about to have a 3-way with Jess and Nick.
  • The expression of helpless arousal mingled with horrified self-loathing on Cece's face, as Schmidt tries to seduce her back into bed by comparing himself to different kinds of cheese.
    Cece: And I want you to know, that was the last time, okay? This is over.
    Schmidt: But we haven't even gotten to the cheese course. A little sharp, aged cheddar? Mm-hm. Manchego? Maybe some buttery Gruyère? You sure you wanna miss out? I just wanna slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.
    Cece: What are you even saying?
    Schmidt: How about a little stinky taleggio?
    Cece: Why is this working? I am so turned on right now.
  • Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?
  • "You are not gonna regret this". (Gilligan Cut to Jess crying while watching Dirty Dancing)
  • Schmidt doing a sexy dance while Japanese businessmen watch.
  • Attempts to defrost Hank the turkey in "Thanksgiving".
  • "That's second base? That means I'm not a virgin anymore."
  • A stranger and his nana giving young Jess candy.
  • "And my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!"
  • Schmidt refusing to dress as sexy Santa Claus, Cinco de Sexy or sexy Martin Luther King.
  • Schmidt pronouncing chutney as "chut-a-ney".
  • Schmidt's 2007 new years resolution list.
    "Find out where Winston gets his sparkle and then steal it".
  • "I don't think she knows what motor-boating means".
  • Schmidt's monologue during Winston and Shelby's first kiss as a real couple.
    Schmidt: Shelby, be careful with his mustache, please; it's very delicate. I can't watch this any more. Winston, I hope you're better in bed because your street work is embarrassing. Am I talking too much? I don't wanna ruin the moment. You know what; if this was my grandmother's building, she'd be outside on the patio yelling down at you and she'd be saying, "You look beautiful, the two of you are a beautiful couple, I'm glad you found one another," but she wouldn't invite you up because she's a horrible racist. You want me to put on some Jodeci?
  • Backslide: Two words: Tom Waits.
  • Schmidt: Was that true that Cece would eat me up? 'Cause I got the prime rib, yo. Carving station, sneeze guard, kids eat for free. Let's just forget that last part, though.
  • Jess attempts to scare off a potential roommate by hissing at him.
  • Winston's fear of the dark.
  • Schmidt and Nadia's "date". If you could call it that.
    Schmidt: In America, honey, Mickey Mouse is earthbound.
  • Winston dressed as a cop for Halloween, reaching for the gun of a real cop.
  • Winston suffering from "Sympathetic PMS".
  • Nick's finished zombie novel which Winston professes as the worst thing he's ever read. Contains an unsolvable word search.
  • "Gave me cookie, got you cookie!"
  • Winston's utter Freak-Out during "Bathtub"
  • In Santa, Nick attempts to give Angie a lapdance. Then Angie gives Nick a lapdance, only to be interrupted by Schmidt, who tries to show her how to do it right. Until Nick wriggles out from under him.
  • Jess and guns.
  • When Winston and Schmidt freak out because they thought a guy was about to rob them and when the guy freaked out because he thought they were kidnapping him.
  • Nick's "master disguise" persona, Julius Pepperwood.
    "Thin crust pizza? No thanks, I'm from Chicago."
  • "Quick Hardening Caulk". From Nick and Jess's innuendo filled trip to the hardware store, Jess doped up on painpills, and Nick and Jess's aquarium shattering attempt at sex, the whole thing is a riot.
  • Winston's first kiss with Daisy.
    Daisy: "C minus. You kiss like a damn bitch."
  • Jess attempts to give Schmidt a purple nurple.
    Jess: Where are your nipples, man?!
    Schmidt: ...I'll never tell. *chuckles*
  • "...Burkas isn't you guys, right?"
  • The magnificent clusterfuck that is Jess' attempt at a one night stand on Valentines Day. Complete with Schmidt's tires getting stolen, Jess attempting to tie a knot in a cherry stem and almost choking, and a liberal dose of shrooms.
  • Nick stripping to his underwear and dancing like an idiot for Russian gangsters. Context? What context?
  • From "Pepperwood", Jess's reactions to Edgar's story.
  • Back in season 2, Jess had to go to a job interview while she's PMS'ing and she gets emotional about the portrait of the interviewer's dead dog.
    (sobbing uncontrollably) PUPPYYYYYY!...........IN A!...........CUUUUUUUUUUP! (pulls it together) So, we're both dog people, right?
  • Jess's list of "Alternatives to Intercourse" for her class.
    *Get to know a neighbour
    * Tick/lice check
    * Change your email password
    * Look at pics of STDs
    * Write a convict
    * Meet a friend for decaf
    * Watch Friday Night Lights
  • Between Cece, Nick and Coach getting stoned off their asses and Jess going on several awful dates, "Dice" is a whole episode of solid hilarity.
  • "Julie Berkmans Older Sister" is full of funny moments.
    • The focus group. Which is mostly Nick, Winston and Coach shouting "Sponge!"
    • Nick proving to be such a slob that he doesn't know how a sponge works.
    Nick: Which side does the dirty stuff go on?
    • Jess getting sideswiped by a passing bicyclist.
  • Cece's Noodle Incident:
    Cece: I had to give it a try, Jess. That was the same hand that was inside Elmo.
  • Schmidt's Big "NO!" when he hears Cece discussing breast reduction surgery. From across the hallway. With the door closed.
    • Schmidt saying goodbye to Cece's breasts. We don't hear what he's saying because he has put earplugs on Cece so she can't hear ("It's a private conversation"), so his actions are made all the funnier without context; at one point he appears to be playing peek-a-boo with them.
  • Jess bonding with the camp airport employee Barry in "LAXmas"
  • Every second of Prince's appearance. Especially when he first meets Jess and Nick.
    Prince: Hello, I'm Prince. What seems to be the problem? [stunned silence] Oh forgive me, I haven't given you enough time to freak out yet. You may do so now. [Jess squees super hard, Nick just faints]
  • Nick and Schmidt's complete inability to get on with each other when they're business partners. Coupled with:
    Jess: Guys, stop fighting! You're upsetting Winston.
    [cut to Winston watching them fight with a beaming smile on his face as if it's the most entertaining thing ever]
  • Nick and Jess's One Dialogue, Two Conversations, in which Jess thinks they're talking about how he's scared to commit to Cece, and Nick thinks they're talking about how he doesn't want to get a popcorn machine for the bar.
  • Winston's cop partner Ally making Jess's useless date Fred go through the world's most prolonged and dance-licious sobriety test:
    Ally: Oh, this is very terrible. I don't believe you. Can you put, like, a jazz spin on that? [Fred does jazz hands] Look like an acorn. [Fred crouches] Start spinning. [Fred starts rotating] That's actually pretty good.
  • "Well, get ready for the skin circus, you little peanut!"
    • What really sells it is Nick's "Now that I say it, it sounds gross" expression the moment after he says this.
  • The montage of Schmidt and Cece looking at wedding venues: the first place seems promising until a guy wearing a hazmat suit walks in bearing a violently crackling Geiger counter and shaking his head no; the second place is a derelict barn which Schmidt tries to pretend isn't setting off his allergies; and the third place is a warehouse with a startup company, where the employees immediately freak out the minute they realise that the fact that their warehouse is soon to be vacant means that the company is about to go down the toilet.
    Startup company CEO: [to Schmidt and Cece, as the employees are grabbing all the gear they can carry and fleeing the building] Hey, you guys, kind of not cool. You were supposed to text me before you got here.
  • Winston loves being a cop:
    Winston: Sam, friend face: good to see you. Cop face: 300 feet away from her.
    Sam: When did you become a cop, dude?
    Winston: Oh, not too long ago.
    Sam: Congrats.
    Winston: [beaming] Thank you. I appreciate that. It's nothing, you know. I get to do a lot of cool stuff on the job. I once slid across the hood of a car. I scratched it all up. I didn't have to pay for it, you know. 'Cause I'm a cop, so...
  • When Nick and Schmidt get into a dispute with Connie, the owner of the cooler bar down the street, Nick decides to defuse it by calling a meeting of all the businesses on the block, which he then presides over as if it's the meeting of the Five Families in The Godfather.
    Nick: [solmenly] I've gathered the families here today, to end this terrible, terrible, unnecessary war. So, thank you. Connie and I have had our battles, but today we make our peace. She's of the north. She's the owner of Presh.
    Connie: What is this? I only came because you said you were suing me for what I did, which, by the way, was nothing.
    Nick: I lied to ensure your presence.
    Connie: Good Lord.
  • It turns out Winston is colorblind.
    Schmidt: Winston! If you think those shoes are brown, what color do you think you are?!