In the criminal justice system, no matter how heinous the crime, there are always two kinds of hilarity — those related to the situation, and those that stem from the lives of those involved. This is a list of them.
- Detective John Munch owns these, but nothing beats the moment in "Slaves" when he's talking to someone at Air Bucharest and the phone rings:
: Don't answer that phone. Anyone who calls an airline waits on hold twenty minutes minimum while being subjected to a clockwork orangeian
repetitive loop on the benefits of your awards program.
Man: I believe that's your phone, sir.
- A couple gets caught having relatively public intercourse.
Man: She fell, and, uh, I was helping her up!
Olivia: With your penis?
- Munch undercover as a pedophile tourist is surprisingly funny. Especially since his disguise consists only of changing his shirt, taking off his shades and smiling.
Fin: That's the same stuff he's always saying, it's just louder.
- From Mike Sandoval's first episode:
Fin: Who's the best at undercover in your squad?
Sandoval: I'm your guy.
Fin: No offense, but my grandmother wouldn't sell an aspirin to you.
- Munch instigates more dark-funny on the first episode of the new season:
Munch: Fin and I are thinking about starting up a bar. We need investors. You want in?
Cragen: I don't know. Let me run it past the guys at my next AA meeting.
- The early episode where Munch is called in to testify against a shrink who treated hysteria the old-fashioned way.
Prosecution: What was that treatment?
: Miss Weber was told to disrobe, put her feet up in stirrups, and picture David Hasslehoff from Baywatch
Defense Attorney: Objection! Your honor, this witness is not qualified to testify on the treatment for hysteria.
Munch: Actually, sir, I am. Up until 1952, hysteria was one of the most commonly diagnosed illnesses among women. The medical treatment was hysterical paroxysm.
Court Reporter: Could the witness spell that?
Prosecutor: (looks confused)
Court Reporter: (shocked expression)
Defense: Objection! Would it surprise you to learn that, historically, the onus fell upon physicians to bring about the relief of these ladies' symptoms?
Prosecution: Your honor, please instruct counsel to withold his questions until cross.
Munch: I don't mind, your honor. In fact, I believe the manual version of this treatment dates back to Hippocrates and was attested to right up until the Middle Ages, up until the 1890s, when the vibrator was invented to speed things along.
Prosecution and Defense: Objection!
Prosecution: Detective, is this practice currently illegal?
Munch: Yes. And so is videotaping it.
Defendent: (looks very uncomfortable)
- From the same episode we get Elliot's hilariously awkward attempt to give his daughter a sex talk using soccer terminology.
- Which culminates in her very bluntly telling him she's still a virgin even as she kicks the ball to him. He stands stock-still while the ball goes right past him into the mini-goal and says simply "Okay."
- How in the world did Chris Meloni and Mariska Hargitay manage to keep straight faces in "Sugar" while on the P.A. at a store asking for the "Master Baiter" to come to the front?! (Three letters: A.D.R.)
- Stabler and Fin in "Wildlife" telling rapper "Gots Money" about how, when he goes to prison, his cellie will roll a pair of dice to decide how many times to rape him:
Stabler: Hey, I gots an eleven!
- Made even funnier (and slightly horrifying) when you think about the other show (Oz) Christopher Meloni did and the kind of people he associated with in prison. You don't think Schillinger did that a few times?
- When Olivia was concerned about the little girl of a famous singer:
Munch: Hey, Olivia, [little girl's name] had just called, asking for you.
Olivia: What?! Is she alright?
: No, she saw the new **NSYNC
music video and was thoroughly disappointed. As was I.
- Fin and Lake are Mistaken for Gay when canvasing for suspects. Lake rolls with it by putting his hand on Fin's thigh.
- In an episode involving stolen embryos, Munch gets a moment of dark humor when he says he has a description of one of the victims and asks if he should put an APB on it, holding up a picture of an embryo.
- Benson and Stabler explaining to Cragen why they're having trouble interrogating Ray-Ray, a schizophrenic who speaks in complete Word Salad — and then Ray-Ray interrupts with "Hello? I can't find my head!"
- Also, from the same episode,
Ray-Ray: Don't be werewolf. Don't be a werewolf. DON'T BE A WEREWOLF!
- Fin's description of the sociology behind being "On The Down-Low", and the others' reaction:
Fin: It's different for black men. They go out, have sex with other men, then come home, have sex with their woman, and pretend they're straight.
(Benson, Cragen, and Stabler stare at him, eyebrows raised)
Fin: Hey, don't look at me, I just know stuff!
- When Fin curtly described Munch as "[his] Jew" when they're undercover with a pimp, Munch waits until they're outside to object:
Munch: Your Jew? Your Jew?! What if I called you my boy?
Fin (grinning, arms spread wide): Then I'd be your boy, John!
- Related to the above Munch's parting words before they get outside.
- The pilot's actually brilliantly laugh-out-loud funny altogether ("Shut up, John!"). The absolute crowner of the pilot has to be Elliot in court. He's trying to justify having arrested a flasher on hearsay (a pretty shaky reason) and the defense lawyer's having a field day...until Elliot uses a euphemism which implies that the flasher is compensating for something, which the perp then promptly disproves in open court. Elliot's expression suggests that Chris Meloni was struggling not to burst out laughing, which is exactly what we all did. Then, right afterward:
Benson: Hey, how'd it go?
Stabler: He's in Bellevue.
Benson: The jury came back that fast?
Stabler: He waved his flag at 'em before they had a chance... Nobody saluted.
- From the same episode: Cragen is talking to Benson and Stabler in his office. He's eating a piece of licorice when they tell him that someone "chopped off the victim's unit." Cragen immediately spits the licorice into his hand and dumps it in the garbage.
- When they investigate a doctor owning a clinic dedicated to reviving lost vitality via hormone injections, this exchange follows
Munch: What he's doing is perfectly legal
Fin: Don't tell me you're thinking about taking this stuff
Munch: Considered it. Why shouldn't I add some lean muscle to what you so lovingly call "my bony ass"?
Cragen: You can hit a gym when we close this case. Otherwise everybody focus.
- Olivia's Intoxication Ensues in "Wet" caused by accidentally breathing in the fumes released by a Large Ham fungi scientist's boiling samples. Stabler later fakes his own Lemon Wacky Hello.
Stabler: IT'S SO HOT IN HERE! I DIDN'T ORDER THAT PIZZA!
- "Bombshell" has this El-and-Liv moment during a boring stakeout:
Benson: I got nothing but a five-pound rat.
Stabler: You think you got it bad? I just got hit on by a transvestite who looks like Munch.
- In another episode, Benson and Stabler are questioning an OBGYN who saw one of the (pregnant) victims. Stabler asks how he could have not noticed the woman's bruises, but the doctor quickly explains that she told him she fell in the shower (which was supposedly why she needed to see him in the first place). Stabler points out that the two areas she was injured in aren't really consistent with falling in the tub:
Stabler: So she fell on her face... and her vagina.
- Towards the end of one episode, Fin and Munch are searching the perp's apartment for his pet cat:
Fin: Here pussy, pussy, pussy.
Munch: You're kidding...
- One episode has this hilarious exchange after Munch explains another one of his conspiracy theories.
Melinda: Is there anything you can just accept?
Munch: Yeah. Compliments.
Melinda: No wonder you're such a skeptic.
- In one episode during a heated interrogation:
Suspect: Oh it's bad cop now, right?
Munch: (screaming) You bet your ass!
Jeffries: John, easy.
Munch: (still in a loud voice) You did it, you piece of crap. I know it, you know it
Jeffries:Seriously, come on
Munch:No, I'm going to kill this guy myself
Suspect:(speaking to Jeffries about Munch) Call him off, call him off
Munch: I'm gonna Mike Tyson you, you bastard!
Suspect: Come on. Is this legal?
Jeffries: Probably not
Munch:(whispering in Arthur Pruitt's ear) I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you.
- Elliot trying to kick down a door in "Perverted." He manages to dent the door, but he starts groaning in pain. Cue him getting a phone call:
Elliot: "Starla's not home... I... tried that."
- In the episode "Starved", Olivia tries to find a serial rapist who targets successful women through speed dating. At said event, we get to listen in on the various conversations of other speed daters, and one couple is having this exchange:
Man: ...I felt like I was...outside my body, looking down. Ya know?
Woman: Yeah...I felt the same way when I was abducted.
- The episode "Mean" has this glorious exchange:
Cragen: That they didn't do anything and you killed Emily all by yourself. Oh, and that you're nuts.
- In the episode, "Savant", a developmentally-disabled girl with a penchant for hugs practically asks for one from almost every character... even the judge during trial.
Girl: Can I have a hug?
Judge: *flabbergasted* ... No!
Girl: *pouty face*
Judge: ... Well, maybe later.
- Earlier, there's the part where the little girl first meets Novak and immediately latches onto her. Novak is completely caught off guard, while Elliot's expression say, "Yeah, she does that a lot..."
- One cold open began with 2 guys trying to kill each other. One picked up a butcher's cleaver. The other guy's chest exploded.
"You shot me?"
- From "Manipulated":
Benson: "What do PMCs do?"
Munch: "Profit from the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan."
Tutuola: "Please don't get him started on Dick Cheney again."note
- Munch about to start a grand of drugs the dealer keeps in a public washing machine:
Munch: What should I use, "Lemony Fresh" or "Mountain's Dream"?
- I can't remember which episode it's from but a defense attorney tells Alex to brush up on her Latin and then quotes a Latin phrase. After a moment of silence Amaro tells Alex what it means. Her response?
Alex: I knew that one thanks.
- After a girl draws a picture of the devil as her attacker, Cragen tells Munch to go online and find out what he can about Satanic cults in the area.
Munch: I hear and obey, oh Lord of Darkness.
- Munch, once again, delivers. When described as a "dirty old man" by a suspect:
: Who're you calling 'old'
- In an effort to catch a corrupt judge, several SVU members get into the courtroom under false identities: a suspect in the previous case as a juvenile offender, Cragen as said offender's father, Stabler as the plaintiff, and Dr. Huang as the defense attorney.
- In "P.C.", Elliot and Alex are talking when lesbian-rights activist Babs Duffy (played by guest star Kathy Griffin) enters the squadroom railing against Elliot. She sees Alex and immediately stops, ogles her, shyly introduces herself, and then:
Alex: I'll leave you two alone.
Babs: No, you do not need to leave us alone!
- When a suspect is ranting about being bitten by his would be victim's dog and is ranting about how he probably needs to be checked for rabies, Olivia's response is priceless.
Olivia: I'm sure you didn't give the dog rabies.
- As the detectives are screening anonymous tips, Fin can be overheard saying:
Fin: No ma'am, I'm not evading your question. What is your question?
- An exchange from Cragen and Munch during the season 2 episode "Taken" when the latter is a bit peeved about a suspect.
Munch: There should be a special level of hell for this pus-sucking, gangernous, malignancy of an mental amoeba.
- One episode where a suspect is a methadone addict.
Suspect: (Gives Benson and Stabler his alibi) We're done here.
Stabler: (Jacks the suspect up against his van before patting him on the cheek) Now we're done.