Funny / Last Week Tonight With John Oliver Season Four

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• The Season 4 Promo has the narrator talking about HBO's award winning and praiseworthy show is returning, which makes John think he's talking about his show, only for the camera to reveal the narrator was actually talking about HBO's other hit series on Sundays (Game of Thrones), hit comedy series entering its fourth season (Silicon Valley) and hit comedy series returning from a hiatus (Curb Your Enthusiasm, which was Un-Cancelled).
• The Bait-and-Switch where he mentions The Young Pope as the most interesting thing to happen during hiatus before getting into politics.
• Offhandedly calling Sean Spicer "Melissa" in reference to Saturday Night Live's parody of Spicer.
• "And Now, Donald Trump Cannot Shake Hands." A montage of Donald's awkward, yanking hand shakes, complete with Stock Sound Effects.
• After lambasting Trump for his reliance on Fox News Channel and questionable news websites for his news, John declares that he had filmed infomercials that would air the following day on Washington D.C.'s affiliates of Fox News, MSNBC, and CNN to inform Trump about subjects like the nuclear triad, the Geneva Conventions and that there are actually other people than Trump.
• At the beginning of the episode about Vladimir Putin, as an example of how big his memetic popularity is in Russia, they put a clip of a techno pop song made about him, "A Man Like Putin", by Poyushchie vmeste ("Singing Together"). So, how can they convey how bad Putin is concisely and in a memorable way? By doing their own cover of "A Man Like Putin", of course.
  • During the episode, it was also noted that some opponents of Putin had some bizarre and allegedly coincidental things happen to them, such as people defecating on the hood of their cars. So, partway through the song, John has to run onstage to interrupt the song so he can beg Putin to not have anyone shit on his car. Then the song resumes.
    Performers: And critics like Oliver better run far / Better run far / Because he'll track you down / And he'll shit on your car!
    John: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! No, no, no! Do not shit on my car! That is weird! It's so weird, i-if anything, it might be the weirdest part of this whole story! Please, don't shit on my car! Don't-please, don't do it! (to performers) I'm sorry, you-you were telling the President about Putin, go. (John leaves the stage and the song starts back up)
  • The number was put together because, as John puts it, the catheater cowboy from the mock infomercials mentioned above can't explain the whole situation in 30 seconds.
• The entire debacle with the Trump administration's numerous contacts with Russia is dubbed "Stupid Watergate," with them trying to make a similar labyrinthine conspiracy while no one has any idea what they're doing. John specifically points out Paul Ryan visibly suppressing a laugh during Trump's promise that he'll be getting down to business now.
• John Oliver tackles the situation of the Dalai Lama and China. Naturally, like Snowden, he visits him as well. Highlights of the meeting include:
  • How he convinced Mongolia to stop drinking vodka... in exchange for horse milk. Understandably, John is rather baffled at his claim, along with how one even obtains horse milk.
    Dalai Lama: Drink much less vodka-
    John Oliver: Yeah, they love to hear that.
    Dalai Lama: -Yeah instead of that with a, uh, traditional sort of drink. Horse milk.
    John: ...Wait, hold on.
    Dalai Lama: Horse milk.
  • How the Dalai Lama embraces the fact that he's called a demon by China. And on that note - and again, similar to his interview with Snowden - John was subject to an Oh, Crap! moment when the Dalai Lama takes his willingness to criticize China to say that John should become a demon too.
    John: No no no, you can't transfer- you can't reincarnate the demon into me.
    Dalai Lama: Yes, yes.
    John: No no no no! Don't make me a demon. No no, you can't do tha- will you cu- you cannot do that. Can he do that? Oh no... this is not how I wanted this interview to go.
  • Before that, he makes fun of "the most British man who has ever lived": a man narrating a 1959 newsreel about the Dalai Lama's exile with a very posh British accent.
  Narrator: One clear fact. Red tyranny is not wanted by these intensely religious people.
  John: (imitating the accent) Yes, damn that unwanted, creepy Red tyranny. Yes, down with those thieving imperialists. And goodnight to Her Majesty's subjects in Bahrain, Maldives, Rhodesia, Jamaica, Barbados, Kenya, and Uganda. Nighty night. Sleep tight.
• On the subject of the March 2017 CIA leaks:
  • Regarding the reports that the CIA explored the possibility of hijacking cars' softwares:
    News reporter: This could do a whole lot of things, from playing the music to playing control of the car entirely and crashing it if you want to assassinate somebody.
    John: Well, that escalated quickly! First I'll make them listen to Coldplay, then it's murder.
  • When talking about the reports of a malware supposedly able to use Samsung smart televisions as listening devices, John first takes note of a news reporter's really sassy way of breaking the news.
    News reporter: If you got a Samsung TV, it's like: "You think you're watching TV? Oh honey, that thing is watching you!"
    John: Okay, first: She should deliver all of the news. "19 dead in a blazing apartment fire? All of them children, girl-frrriend!"
  • After pointing out that the documents themselves note that the supposed malware only worked on TVs made from 2012 and 2013, and that it had to be installed with an USB, John points out that on top of that, it also works on Cut the Juice rules.
    John: ...experts still advise there's still actually a potential way to circumvent it; it's a little complicated, so I'll walk you through it: Step 1: Unplug the TV; and... that is it, end of steps, you're off the grid.
• In the wake of the controversy caused to Samsung due to the CIA leaks (on top of their spectacularly bad few months of their smartphones catching fire and their washing machines exploding) they release a commercial that has the announcer panicking as every single product bursts into flames.
  Announcer: The one promise we can absolutely make you is that none of out products will explode any more. [smartphone explodes] Shit! Oh-kay, maybe the phones, I guess, but definitely not the— [laptop explodes] Aaaah shit! No! No! Put the vacuum up! Put the— [vacuum is on fire] Oh my God! Oh my God, it's on fire! The vacuum's on fire! How is it still moving?! [smart TV is completely engulfed in flames] What! Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck! Is the watch OK? Tell me the watch is OK; you fucking tell me the watch is OK! [watch explodes] No! Oh God! Fuck me! The point is: Our dryers, they are fine. [dryer expels fire] Oh fuck you! Samsung! Hey, at least our logo works, right? [the logo explodes] Oh come on!
• While discussing the current laws on marijuana use, John repeatedly screws with any stoners named Greg who happen to be watching, claiming he's talking directly to them and can even read their minds.
• After Sean Spicer's comments saying that Adolf Hitler didn't use chemical weapons, John takes issue of Spicer's use of the term "Holocaust Center", saying that it sounds like the name for a hockey arena for the alt-right. We then see the entrance for the hypothetical arena, complete with having Pepe the Frog as a mascot.
• John poked fun at the fact that Donald Trump remembered to slip what was basically a commercial for Mar-a-Lago's chocolate cake that he was having for dessert ("the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen") into his recollection of the night he fired Tomahawk missiles into Syria, but couldn't keep track of what country he was raiding.
  Donald Trump: So what happens is, I said, "We've just launched 59... missiles... heading to Iraq—"
  Interviewer: But you— Heading to Syria.
  Trump: Yes, heading for... Syria.
  John: I honestly wish she just kept naming places to see if he kept agreeing with her. "Heading to Egypt?" "Yes, heading to Egypt." "Heading to Dollywood?" "Yes, heading to Dollywood." "Heading straight to us?" "Yes, heading straight to us, right now."
• John notes that after Trump said that North Korea could be easily taken care of by China, he later changed his mind "after listening for 10 minutes" to the President of China Xi Jingping, as "[he] realized that it's not so easy." This leaves John speechless, as he wants to know how the President of China managed to explain something that complicated in just 10 minutes, "because if this show did a segment on grapes, we'd need 20 minutes and an appearance from a marching band."
• Regarding the April 2017 Afghanistan airstrike that used the "Mother of All Bombs," John wants to appreciate one thing first:
  John: Okay, now there's obviously a lot to unpack there, but let's just take a minute and appreciate the fact that we finally reached a point where mothers can be bombs. #MOMBOMBS #FEMINISM
• On the 2017 French presidential election:
  • After showing several commentators saying that the election could define "the fate of Europe," John notes that the fate of Europe is in the hands of "a country that looks at snails and says, 'I have got to get you in my mouth.'"
  • In response to several commentators saying that depending on the election, France could also leave the European Union, and that in turn could be the end of the union itself, John calls it "the most disastrous French exit in history, and that is acknowledging that a French exit normally refers to drinking an entire bottle of red wine and then leaving a party with the host's wife."
  • After a description of French's election system (in two rounds, the first with all candidates, the second one with the two who got the most votes in the first):^note Unless one got more than 50% in the first round, in which case they're immediately elected President.
    John: What a ridiculous system! Where are the 51 individual contests that allot points based on outdated demographic data that can result in the definitive loser in the popular vote somehow winning? That's just stupid! Well, go easy on France, they're still working out the kinks of their democracy.
  • John's run-down of the candidates is a doozy:
    • He notes that one candidate, Jacques Cheminade, has a platform that includes colonizing Mars. He then plays a clip of Cheminade explaining it using Shout-Outs to Star Wars, except that he calls Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca "Larry Skywalker" and "that weird bear", respectively. John then says that now he thinks that those should have been their actual names.
    • John then shows the campaign ads of Jean Lassalle, which John describes as "almost offensively French": Traveling in a train in moody black-and-white, working on his farm, dancing, and mowing a hillside shirtless (all while wearing a beret). John says that he seems to be attempting to win a reality show called "So You Think You Can France."
    • John goes on to describe how François Fillon, former Prime Minister, was once the leading candidate, but fell back on the polls due to a scandal called "Penelopegate" (in which he is accused of having paid his wife, Penelope, and their children with public money for little to no actual work). John then says that with a name like that, it sounds more like "a scandal involving selling weapons-grade uranium to Penélope Cruz."
    • It then emerges that Fillon was essentially bribed in ridiculously expensive suits. He defends himself:
      Fillon: I am perfectly allowed to be given a suit by a friend. It's not against the law!
      John: Oh, you're right! That is a completely normal thing for adult friends to do! "Happy birthday, friend! I got you two suits that cost about $7,000 each, because that is a non-suspicious amount to spend on a gift for a friend! How not-weird is this? Couldn't be not-weirder, right?!"
    • John responds to Jean-Luc Mélenchon using holograms to appear in two campaign rallies at the same time (and activating them with a giddy grin) with his trademark "Cool", and then compares the whole thing to "finding out your uncle's detachable thumb trick cost him $400,000", in that both were very lame and very costly.
    • After a commentator describes one of the frontrunners, Emmanuel Macron, as "generally inoffensive" and "not super attractive to anyone," John says that makes him sound like "the guy who played the main character in How I Met Your Mother." (John doesn't even mention the actor's name, saying that he doesn't have one). However, John notes that there's something interesting in Macron: He married his schoolteacher, who's 20 years older than him, and as a result he has seven step-grandchildren at the age of 39. John then says that a man in his thirties ending up with seven step-grandchildren sounds like the plot of a Direct-to-DVD Ashton Kutcher movie called Even on a Nine-Hour Flight This Movie Is Unwatchable.
    • On a sidenote, John mentions that Manuel Valls (a former Prime Minister and an ultimately unsuccessful candidate in the primaries) and Fillon got cups of flour thrown at them during the campaign (and showing an excerpt where a French newscaster mentions Fillon having brought a spare suit), and after describing Macron, he adds, "If you're wondering if Macron did get any baking ingredients thrown at him during the campaign, well, what do you think?" (For variety's sake, he got an egg rather than flour.) He summarizes that, with two cups of flour and one egg, he doesn't know if the French people are any closer to picking a President, but they're halfway through making a decent crêpe.
    • This finally leads to Marine Le Pen, the candidate for which he considers the election is making headlines worldwide. John first mentions how her father, Jean-Marie Le Pen, said to one Jewish critic that "we'll put a batch in the oven next time." John calls it "the kind of vile, horrific anti-semitism that gets most people permanently banished from society, as well as an Oscar nomination for directing Hacksaw Ridge."
    • John notes that after that, Marine kicked Jean-Marie out of the party and worked to present a softer image, as shown when one French voter says that with her "there's an elegance." John is quick to caution that elegant presentation does not negate its content, putting as example that a Klansman is still a Klansman even in a monocle, a top hat, and a cane, while showing a picture of a Klansman dressed as such. He then asks for the sheet to be removed, revealing him to be Mr. Peanut.
      John: I FUCKING KNEW IT, I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!
    • John shows an interview made to Marine Le Pen about immigration, in which she said that, when inviting immigrants to one's flat, they could such things as "stealing your wallet and brutalizing your wife," but what caught John's attention was that she also said that "on top of that, they start to remove the wallpaper."
      John: I never thought I'd say this to someone, because it doesn't really make sense, but I hope someone steals your wallpaper! I don't know why they would Marine, but I hope they do.
  • After all that, and with polls suggesting that one-third of French voters might abstain from the election, how does John appeal to French voters? By appealing to their "Frenchness" turning his set into a scene out of a French film, complete with moody black-and-white, an accordionist, smoking cigarettes, and speaking entirely in French. He even goes as far as to talk about Larry Skywalker and that weird bear too. The episode even ends with Gratuitous French credits (complete with "FIN") and the show's theme song in an accordion!
• In the episode about Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, it's noted that Kushner barely talks, and that the most recent clip they got of him talking is from a 2009... except that when they play the clip in question, Gilbert Gottfried is dubbed over him. Bonus for John's Implausible Deniability ("'Wait, you just recorded Gilbert Gottfried over him!' Well, you can never know!").
• In the episode aired after the announcement that Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough were engaged, the show played an "And Now, This" segment titled "A Look Back at the Romance Between Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski", which shows old clips of them arguing, well, Like an Old Married Couple. It eventually ends with a "Congratulations?".
• When discussing Net Neutrality for a second time:
  • John puts the Taylor Swift goat meme as an example of things the internet offers, which even John starts corpsing over.
  • John makes note of FCC Chairperson Ajit Pai's Reeses Peanut Butter mug, and states that if Chairperson Pai thinks that John is just jealous of the mug, John isn't, because he has an even bigger mug. Which he pulls out and mimes drinking out of.
    John: I'm drinking the blood of smaller mugs. Cheers.
• In the video response to the reaction to the second video about net neutrality:
  • John calls out a news station that did a report on his net neutrality campaign by pointing out that the man they used in the background was Stephen Colbert. Needless to say, John was pretty insulted by the fact that not only they couldn't even use the right picture, the reporter himself sounded extremely bored and uncaring about the story he was reporting on.
    John: Come on! Everything about that man's tone is insulting! What he is essentially saying there is "John Oliver, a comedian you think so little that you probably didn't notice that is not John Oliver, that's Stephen Colbert." COME ON! That hurts!
  • John chastises those who wrote racist comments on the FCC website about FCC Chairman Ajit Pai (due to Pai being of Indian descent), but also leaves a Bait-and-Switch.
    John: Writing racist things on the internet is not how you win the net neutrality debate. It's how you win the presidency.
• In the episode about Donald Trump withdrawing the United States from the Paris Agreement:
  • John says to not test the patience levels of the EU leaders, as Britain has tried that with Brexit, and John says that you can email the same address the EU set up for Britain for that, "[e-mail]".
  • On showing the video of the initial Paris agreement, he lampshades how the small gavel really kills the mood, and envisions something even worse in the form of a murder trial with a squeaky hammer. And then it comes back during an impromptu performance of "Be Our Guest" when he uses it to try and squash the characters.
    John: I hereby sentence you to hang from the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul. *squeak*
  • John calling out Trump for "performing real-time word association" and, in the space of about 30 seconds, "touching on at least seven different topics, including the non-phrase 'broke my choppers'."
  • Part of Pennsylvania senator Scott Wagner's theory on what causes global warming: the Earth is moving closer the sun every year, which John points out is true... but also that it then moves away from the sun, "because that is what a fucking year is!"
• On the Brexit negotiations following the 2017 United Kingdom general election:
  • Everything involving Lord Buckethead, a joke candidate in the UK snap election who looks like "Darth Vader fucked an Amazon Echo," who was nevertheless legally required to be presented just as seriously as the others. Not to be left out, John had Lord Buckethead flown to New York so he could demand the UK appoint him as a Brexit negotiator.
  • When describing the difficulties of negotiating Brexit, John compares it to if Florida wanted to secede from the US (which he says would be a great idea), citing all the numerous problems that would come from it — patrolling the border, taxing goods coming out of Florida, and who would get custody of Hulk Hogan.
  • John shows a clip of an interview where Theresa May was asked what was the naughtiest thing she'd done, answering "running through fields of wheat", prompting him to dub her "Thatcher in the Rye".
• Regarding the mistrial of Bill Cosby's sexual abuse trial, John can't help but point out how, when exiting the courtroom, Cosby shouted "Hey hey hey!", his Catchphrase as Fat Albert.
  John: What are you doing? Shouting your character's catch-phrase while you're on trial is a bizarre choice. If Renée Zellweger was on trial for triple murder, it would be strange for her to shout, "You had me at 'hello'!" "No Renée, we had you when the blood in the trunk turned out to be a DNA match; you're going to jail for a long time."
• With the news that literally every single one of the 50 states has polled negatively about the Republican health care plan, John marvels at how hard it is to get them all to agree on anything. After all, there's even one state that won't admit that Delaware sucks... Minnesota, because they're just too polite.
• In his segment about coal, he finds that people returned bonus checks to Bob Murray, CEO of the Murray Energy Corporation, voiding it and writing "Kiss my ass, Bob" and "Eat shit, Bob". At the end of the segment, Mr. Nutterbutter wants to give a check to Bob, and it's made out to "Eat shit, Bob!" with the memo being "Kiss My Ass!"
  • John also describes Bob Murray's work against mine safety as "like watching My Girl and rooting for the bees!"
• In the segment about vaccines:
  • When discussing about how vaccination skepticism has led to parents doing potentially dangerous thing to their children, it is included a TV news report titled "Swapping Spit & Passing Pus." However, on the title graphic, the word "pus" was spelled with two S's. John says that "swapping spit and passing puss sounds like the sex talk that Kid Rock would give his teenage son."
  • John lambasted Representative Dan Burton (R-IN) Shifting the Burden of Proof in regards of vaccination thus.
    John: Proving a negative is an impossible standard. And that is also a slippery slope, because that means that I can say to you, "You, Dan Burton, are a donkey fucker. You dress up donkeys in cheerleader outfits, and you fuck them. It's what you're into, and you do it all the time." And you will say to me, "Well wait, there is absolutely no evidence of me doing that", but I would say "Turn that around - there is no evidence of you not doing that, either."
• On the segment about the Sinclair Broadcast Group:
  • John talks about how local news tend to find ways to grab people's attention, showing as an example a correspondent reporting about a mugging by recreating it, including pointing a gun to the camera. John admits that it's a great way to get people's attention, and then proceeds to also grab a gun and point it to the camera too.
    John: Our main story tonight concerns the potential problems in corporate consolidation of local news, don't you dare change the channel!
  • John shows one local news commentator, Mark Hyman, doing an editorial about "snowflakes" and "social justice warriors". John says that he presumes that it's one of a series featuring titles like "Wake Up, Libtard", "Cucked Much, You Little Beta Baby?", and "Knock Knock Sheeple, It's Me: Truth."
  • John compares Hyman's boss, Sinclair Broadcast Group, "something you only just heard off," being "the most influential media company that you've never heard of"^note They're one of the largest groups of local television stations, and after completing the process of buying Tribune Media, will be the largest with if ExxonMobil got brought by "that little twerp who plays the new Spider-Man."
    John: "What? How is that possible? How does Spider-Twerp have the resources to do that? I only just found out that he existed!"
  • After John notes that the potential total average households of Sinclair after buying Tribune Media would be higher than any prime time show on Fox News, he refers said shows as "Five Idiots Have the Most Intolerable Dinner Party Ever" (The Five) and "That Guy from College Everyone Hated Has a Talk Show Now" (Tucker Carlson Tonight).
  • John plays some more clips of Mark Hyman's commentary. With comments like "There is one step that's proven to dramatically reduce domestic violence: Marriage" and "On the opinion that only black people can legitimately have an afro, someone should tell that to American folksinger Art Garfunkel", the comedy writes itself.
    John: What are you talking about?! As I believe Paul Simon once said, "There's no need to involve Art Garfunkel in any of this."
  • John notes how the stations of one of Sinclair's subsidiaries, Circa, all reported the Michael Flynn investigation as supposedly being a vendetta from the FBI in the exact same manner, one of them ending it with "it could very well be true". John takes issue of this:
    John: Yeah, but you could say "it could very well be true" about anything: Are all peanut M&Ms just snake eggs painted different colors? Do foxes walk on their hind legs when no one's looking? Is there really only one Olsen twin who's moving back and forth at superhuman speed to trick the human eye into seeing two of them? All of those things "could very well be true", and aside from the one about the Olsen twins, none of them are.
  • John notes how the gist of the problem is the real power that is having trusted local newscasters spreading propaganda by saying that if they "used the words 'Daniel Stern' and 'explosive ejaculation' in the same sentence, you could never watch Home Alone the same way again."
  • John's take on an ad run on a Sinclair station that blamed the Democrats for giving the country slavery, the KKK, and Jim Crow laws:
    John: "Democrats gave this country slavery" is a little more complicated than that. Sure, someone gave me this haircut [shows a picture of him from early Daily Show days], but I'm accountable for being comfortable with it, liking it, and keeping it around for a morally repugnant amount of time.
  • John notes that Sinclair stations' poll questions are also leading: In a question about why cable news channels are airing so much coverage of the Trump/Russia story, the first two answer options are "Bias against the President" and "Higher Ratings", while the third one is "It's a really important story."
    John: Okay, there is a clear slant in those questions and answers. I can't wait for the inevitable poll, "How would you describe the way Donald Trump looks in athletic wear? A) Adonis-like B) Herculean C) Striking for a man of his age D) Not my thing, but I'd still hit it."
  • All this eventually leads to the "Terrorism Alert Desk", a segment that reports on terrorism on Sinclair stations every day. John notes that reporting on terrorism every day leads to sometimes reporting only fluff pieces like the ringleader of the London Bridge Attack having applied for a security job at Wimbledon (and the application in question wasn't even a job interview; he just filled out an online application) or an ISIS flag being hung on New Hampshire.
    Newscaster: ... from the Terrorism Alert Desk in Washington, I'm Lindsey Mastis.
    John: "In other alerts, my grandma heard a loud noise, a man with a beard asked me when the next bus is coming, and Iran still exists. From the Terrorism Alert Desk in Washington, I am just about done with this shit."
  • The bit about the Terrorism Alert Desk goes even further when it's shown that it also covered a report about burkinis in France. Nothing about terrorism, just burkinis.
    John: What. The fuck!? That is not about terrorism, it's just about Muslims! By that definition, terrorism is anything a Muslim does! "Tonight, Mahershala Ali on the cover of GQ, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sneezed in an airport, and happy birthday to Fareed Zakaria! This has been your Terrorism Alert Desk."
  • As a Brick Joke about how John previously in the video referred to Boris Epshteyn, a former Trump aide turned political pundit for Sinclair, as "a rejected extra from The Sopranos in a JC Penney's tie whose voice sounds like Sylvester Stallone with a mouth full of beans", the segment ends with a video directed to Tribune viewers regarding the impending takeover by Sinclair presented by The Sopranos' Steve Schrripa, warning them that he might not be the last guy in an accent and a cheap tie that they might see on their channel.
• Just the entirety about the Wax Presidents:
  • When John reports about how a wax museum of Presidents that was closing down put their wax mannequins up for auction, he notes that there were some notable buyers, such as Rachel Maddow, who bought the replica of Dwight D. Eisenhower.
    John: [after showing a clip of Maddow adorkably celebrating that she bought Eisenhower's replica] Is he though? Because to me it looks like you may just bought a wax sculpture of Bill O'Reilly covering his erection with a magazine.
  • John then shows that Stephen Colbert also bought one; in his case, of Zachary Taylor.
    John: Well congratulations, Stephen! Although it is worth pointing out that Zachary Taylor died of a stomach bug sixteen months into office, so he's really less of a President and more a guy named Zach who shit his brains out in the West Wing men's room.
  • John pointing out that Colbert originally wanted the statue of Martin Van Buren, but unknowingly, and hilariously, that one was perched by none other than Jon Stewart.
  • Which eventually leads to this:
    John: I know what you're thinking: Spending good money on a poorly-made wax figure of a former President sounds pretty stupid, right? Yeah, you're right, you're absolutely right, and that is why I am proud to say that we didn't go down there and buy one of them. [Beat] We bought five of them. [audience goes bananas] Why five? Because we are five times stupider than any other TV show, that's fucking why!
  • John not only bought five wax replicas of former presidents, he decided that, since Warren Harding's life was so interesting, a movie should've been made about it. But the problem is, "it would have to be someone with way too much time on their hands, way too many resources, and unfettered access to a life-size wax replica of Warren G. Harding"... Cue trailer with the wax President Harding starring in a "serious" biopic alongside Campbell Scott, Anna Kendrick, Michael McKean, James Cromwell, and Laura Fucking Linney. Afterwards, John also reminds us they still have four other wax figures of presidents to play around with.
  • John’s descriptions of the other four presidents he bought:
    John: First, there is Richard Nixon; he cost us $1900, and he looks like a store-brand Mitt Romney. Next, there is Bill Clinton, or to be more accurate, John Travolta in Primary Colors as Bill Clinton. Then there’s Jimmy Carter, looking like the “before” photo for a jaundice medication, and William Henry Harrison, who died of pneumonia 31 days into office, and this probably exactly what he looked like when he did.
• With Stephen Miller possibly becoming the next White House communications director, John prepares a fresh new Running Gag of how much he looks like a Minion from every single angle and emotion.
• John somehow managed to get some jokes out of such a grim subject as were the Charlottesville protests:
  • John can't help but note that the white nationalists carried Tiki torches.
    John: Because nothing says "white nationalists" quite like faux Polynesian kitsch.
  • John notes the really odd position created by Donald Trump not mentioning the neo-Nazis in his initial response.
    John: There honestly aren't many instances in modern American politics where you can honestly think, "That guy really should have mentioned the Nazis," but this is emphatically one of them! It's like a reverse Godwin's Law: If you fail to mention Nazism, you lose the argument.
  • When Trump says that "it's being going on for a long time; no Donald Trump, no Barack Obama," John says that:
    John: It seems that Trump's first response to anything bad happening is always to immediately absolve himself of any personal responsibility. He's the kind of guy who starts eulogies at funerals saying, "Great guy, I didn't kill him, but he's a great guy, and he's dead, and I didn't do it."
  • John summing up Trump's reaction when, while Trump was leaving the podium after his speech, a reporter asked him about the white nationalists, and Trump came back... to sign a bill he was there to sign to begin with.
    John: He had one last shot before the buzzer on the racism clock hit zero, and he threw an air ball so far away it landed in the Third Reich.
  • Then there was John's reaction when, after signing the bill, Trump was asked again about it, and he just left.
    John: If you asked me "Have you ever been aroused by the fairies in Zelda: The Ocarina of Time?", and I responded by slowly and silently walking away from you, you would know exactly what I was saying.
• On the crisis with North Korea:
  • John begins describing North Korea as "America's number one excuse for putting off chores this week."
    John: "Y'know, I could do laundry, but if the world is about to erupt into nuclear war, what really is the point?"
  • When it's noted that the crisis also included Twitter exchanges, John had this to say:
    John: When Twitter was invented, I bet even they didn't imagine that it would one day lead us to the brink of nuclear Armageddon. It's like if the invention of the Furby had led to the Sudanese Civil War. Who knew that that's where it was headed?
  • Then it's noted that North Korea missiles' reach extended to New York...
    John: Wait! New York? I live in New York! This shit just got real! Now, I think if everyone is really honest, your level of fear over the North Korea situation is in direct proportion to whether or not they can hit the exact place where you live. We film this show on 57th Street. If you told me that the blast radius stops at 56th Street, I'd think, "Well, I hope that nothing happens, but we've still got time before things get serious."
  • John notes that most experts believe that, despite the threats, North Korea doesn't yet have the technology to reliably hit the U.S. mainland in 2017, but that the Pentagon suggests that they could cross the threshold in 2018. John says that this means that, if a job reviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years' time?", "it is now perfectly acceptable to scream in terror into their face."
  • All this of course leads to Donald Trump's "Fire and fury" response to the threats, to which John says that they only way to make that not sound terrifying is to report it the one way a newspaper in Maine, as "Fire and Furry."
  • John does a Call-Back to when the show showed Western journalists on a tour in North Korea, in which a North Korean tour guide responded to the journalist's question about a suspiciously impressive state propaganda claim that Kim Jong‑il once shot three bullets and all three hit bullseye when he was 7-years-old with a "Mm-hmm", to which John can't help but laugh at.
    John: That is the "mm-hmm" of someone who really wants to shut down a conversation. She sounds like a parent fielding questions about where babies come from: "So, a stork brings the baby?" "Mm-hmm." "It carries an eight-pound baby through the air with its mouth?" "Mm-hmm." "Isn't that dangerous" "Mm-hmm." "Where does the stork get the babies?" "Storks fuck! They fuck each other! Storks fuck each other, and the baby comes out of the stork's vagina! Don't ask for the truth if you can't handle it!"
  • It doesn't take long before John comes across Pulgasari, the "North Korean Godzilla" itself, and shows his favorite scene: A couple of evil-looking guys are about to decapitate a woman with a sword, when a baby monster jumps out and takes a bite out of the sword.
    John: You know why I love that? It's relatable. No matter where you're from, or what your religious or political beliefs are, at some point, everybody has been about to decapitate someone and then out of nowhere a baby monster jumps up and takes a bite out of your sword. It works... because it resonates.
  • John notes how said film was created by kidnapped South Korean film makers. While he does find that abhorrent, he also has an unpopular opinion about it:
    John: If that's what it took to get that film made, it was fucking worth it.
  • John notes that experts believe that Kim Jong-un's actions have been motivated by seeing other totalitarian leaders like Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi scale back their nuclear programs only to be overthrown and die gruesome deaths. John agrees, saying that dictators generally don't end their careers like disgraced American politicians with a stint on Dancing with the Stars, although he says that that would've been an incredible season.
    John: [imitating your average DWTS judge] Saddam, that foxtrot was a weapon of mass seduction! And Muammar, you worked hard... and it showed!
  • John notes how North Korea's military and nuclear programs stand out even more when considering that the impoverished country's economy is estimated to be smaller than Birmingham, Alabama, and Birmingham's "most notable export is American Idol season five winner Taylor Hicks." Not that John thinks that's a bad thing.
    John: Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing. Soul Patrol forever! Soul Patrol 'till I fucking die!
  • John notes that North Koreans' indoctrination in anti-Americanism starts extremely young, putting as an example a defector that remembers that in her math book, there were questions like, "There are four American bastards, you kill two of them. Then how many American bastards are there left to kill?" John oddly empathizes with her.
    John: As a British child, out math questions were, [puts on the most nasal, stuffy British accent possible] "If Johnny has two artifacts and Dinesh has two artifacts, then how many artifacts is Johnny about to have? The answer, of course, 'All the artifacts.' Dinesh's family can come visit them in the British museum, whenever they're in town."
  • John shows a video produced by North Korea depicting the destruction of New York "set to the least appropriate song imaginable": An instrumental version of "We Are the World."
    John: The last time I saw a karaoke song with background imagery that inappropriate was... every time I ever sung karaoke. [shows a picture of a man holding a microphone looking uncomfortable next to a picture of two babies in a field of sunflowers] I don't know that LL Cool J's "Doin' It" has to do with these two babies in a field of sunflowers, but it's making everybody uncomfortable.
  • After showing that American TV shows are being smuggled into North Korea with NCIS being especially popular, John notes that we finally have the answer to the decade-long question: "Who the fuck is watching NCIS?"
    John: It turns out, it's all your mom's friends, and the people of North Korea.
  • John then goes on to Trump's suggestions on how to deal with the crisis, such as China's help.
    Trump: Chi-i-na... is helping us, possibly or probably, with the North Korean situation, okay? Which is a great thing, great thing.
    John: So, in the space of 14 seconds there, he said the word "great" twice, he pronounced "Chi-i-na" with three syllables, suggested someone else should do the work for him, and then threw in a "possibly or probably," rendering the whole thing meaningless. I think I may have just hit Trump bingo, and the prize that I won is to go drown in a river.
  • John then shows a clip of Fareed Zakaria discussing the reasons China may have to be wary of the collapse of North Korea, ending with "...and by the way, 15 nuclear weapons."
    John: You know that there are a lot of problems when you end up saying, "Oh, and by the way, 15 nuclear weapons." Imagine if you were a babysitter and you heard, "Okay, you've got his EpiPen, you know about his nut allergy, he needs his inhaler every hour, oh, and by the way, he has 15 nuclear weapons."
  • John takes a moment to comment on the possibility of taking out only Kim Jong-un, noting that would only get an immediate humanitarian crisis and a leaderless country with a power vacuum, and as learned in Iraq and Afghanistan, when regimes fall and there's no plan in place, that vacuum can be filled with terrible things.
    John: We do not want to find out what North Korea's ISIS would be. Even just the phrase "North Korea's ISIS" is absolutely terrifying. It's like saying, "9/11's Bill Cosby." [loud gasp from the audience] What would that even be?! I hope we never have to find out.
  • Then going back to Trump's "Fire and fury" comment, it's then revealed that Trump ad-libbed it.
    John: Oh for fuck's sake! That is just not a good idea. As I'm sure someone has had to say to Wayne Brady at a funeral more than one, "Now is not the good time to improvise." Here's a one-word suggestion, Wayne: Mourn, mourn like a person!
  • John decides to answer to North Korea's response to the "fire and fury" line, in which they said that "the Commander-in-Chief remains stuck at a golf course."
    John: Hey, hey, hey! Okay, just to be clear, the President is not stuck at a golf course. Unless the cart ran out of gas and he has to walk, in which case, yes, the President is very much stuck at a golf course, and may need to be airlifted out.
  • "Weird Al" Yankovic shows up to play an accordion song called, "Please Don't Nuke Us, North Korea." His arguments against it include mentioning that the US isn't made up of evil people, just "a goofy bunch of fidget-spinning dorks who probably couldn't find their country on a map", and the implores them to spare the US's celebrities.
    "Weird Al": ♪ Would you think this through for a moment, please? / Now why would you bomb L.A. celebrities? / Why in the world would you kill Tom Hanks? / Cause nobody doesn't like Tom Hanks! ♪ [banner revealing Tom Hanks's face appears]
• John discusses how most Republicans are seemingly unable to mention Trump by name while condemning the Charlottesville Neo-Nazis.
  John: You can mention him! He is not Voldemort! He's just a terrifying entity who viciously attacks his enemies and judges people based on their birthright — d'you know what, I do hear it now. I hear it now. I take that back.
• After a two week hiatus, John says that they have a lot to catch up, from the continuing tensions with North Korea, to Equifax's massive data breach, to "me personally falling off the Taylor Swift train."
  John: Look what you made me do, Taylor!
• When Trump says during a speech that his daughter Ivanka asked him to come with him and called him "Daddy":
  John: His 35-year-old daughter calls him "Daddy" and he likes it. That is one of those facts that on some level I already knew, I just never wanted to have confirmed. It's like when someone Airbnb's your place they literally ejaculate on everything, or if I was there for the Manson murders, [sheepishly] I probably would've stabbed someone. I'm not good with peer pressure, it would have been so weird if I was the only one not stabbing, I'd have probably had a quick stab.
• After Trump surprisingly sided with the Democrats in regards of a debt ceiling deal, John notes that a Republican aide told the press regarding Trump's reasons for it "Maybe it's about the wall, I don't know, none of it makes any sense." John says that phrase really should have been the slogan of Trump's presidential campaign.
• Saying that Steven Mnuchin looked like if income inequality dressed up as John Oliver for Halloween.
• John building a giant, "irresponsibly huge" train set for a small town's news outlet that had built one to put in the background for their weather forecaster is amusing. That same town taking that massive train set that John donated to them and thanking him by putting a mock-up of John's face over one of that train's tunnels is priceless.
  John: Well played, Scranton. Well played. There is simply no more passive-aggressive way to thank someone for a gift than by driving a train directly into their face.
• On the episode about corporate consolidation:
  • John notes that small business are the rare thing that politicians across the political spectrum agree on, alongside supporting the troops and that "Ted Cruz can go fuck himself."
  • John points out how dangerous it is to push buttons on TV that make noises like Jim Cramer does, as anyone can put any sound they want over it. He then plays a fart noise over the clip, and we cut back to him holding the Emmy he just won.
  • When John is listing the number of the sectors of the economy that had been consolidated:
    John: ...and online search engines are, of course, as we all know, dominated by one mayor player. That's right, say it with me: Bing. That's right, Bing: The best way to Google something.
  • John notes that corporate consolidation also affects the show itself, as HBO's parent company, Time Warner, is looking to merge with AT&T. So, of course, John goes on to mock AT&T:
    John: ...which makes this story a little dangerous for us to do. Although, you know, that is presuming that AT&T executives manage to get their shitty service working long enough to see it. AT&T: It's the top telecom company around alphabetically, and nothing else.
• On the episode centered about forensic science:
  • Like most episodes, John begins the episode talking about Donald Trump. Unlike most episodes, however, John this time decides to celebrate catching Trump in a blatant lie by pushing a Big Red Button that triggers a huge celebration with performers, confetti, music, and a mascot in a tiger suit. However, John has to rush in and shut it all down, reluctantly admitting that this doesn't actually remove Trump from the presidency, so there's nothing to celebrate, causing everyone to walk off in disgust.
  • Later, John tries to push the button again after catching Trump in another lie, only for the tiger mascot to stomp over and grab the button, walking off with it. John admits that's fair.
  • In the same episode, John announces his new gameshow: "Can You Tell Whose Blood is Whose in a Pool of Blood?"
    John: It premiers on Tuesday night, and amazingly, it's already been cancelled.
  • John, once again, swearing that there's only one Olsen twin.
    John: I don't know how this information helps prove my point, but once it does, IT'S OVER, YOU FRAUDS! YOU FRAUDS!
• When doing a mention about the recovery from Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico, John notes Trump's odd way to pronounce it as "Pu-EEEH-to Rico"
  John: Nobody loves anything and still says its name like that. If I ask you if you feel like Italian and you say "Let us order some spagh-EEEH-tti, I love spagh-EEEH-tti!", they you don't love spaghetti, you hate Italians, and we're not having dinner together.
• Of course the British John had something to say about Theresa May's "Nightmare" speech:
  John: That is not a good sign. Literally, that literally wasn't a good sign. [points at the sign placed behind May that kept falling apart one letter at a time] Not everything I say has to be a joke! I'm allowed to just say true things sometimes!
• John speaks about the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandal, including a quite Squicky story from a local news reporter.^{Details (NSFW)}According to her, Weinstein trapped her in the hallway of a restaurant, tried to kiss her, and when she refused, he exposed himself and masturbated until ejaculating into a potted plant John's response to said account?
  John: Step aside, Chocolat! You are no longer the most horrifying picture that Harvey Weinstein has ever produced!
• When John mentions the claim that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called Trump a "moron," he references a "suicide pact" Tillerson allegedly made with Secretary of Defense James Matthis and Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin that, if one of them was fired by Trump, the other two would resign:
  John: That's right, apparently these three cabinet members have a pact to quit if one of them is fired, which makes sense, except: Mnuchin? The sexy? Yeah the guy's a perfect ten, we all agree on that,^note Keep in mind that it tends to be said that Mnuchin bears a resemblance to John but Mnuchin threatening to resign is a bit like a bee threatening to fly out of a car: Okay, fucking go then!
• John is clearly worried about Trump's comments during a reunion with military leaders that it is "the calm before the storm."
  John: What are you talking about?! For a start, no moment in the preceding nine months has been even remotely calm. It's like we're two hours into a Slipknot concert and they said, "Enough ballads, now we're gonna play one that rocks!"
• In the episode about the Confederacy:
  • At one point John shows an ad for Dolly Patton's Dixie Stampede (basically Medieval Times but with the Civil War), and riffs on the part boasting about unlimited beverages:
    John: Yes. That is a Confederate soldier serving a small child all the Pepsi she likes. Which is still, remarkably, only Pepsi's second worst ad campaign. [shows a frame from their infamous Kendall Jenner ad]
  • John plays two clips of Finding Your Roots:
    • In the first one, Anderson Cooper learns that one of his ancestors was beaten to death with a garden hoe by his own slave. Cooper is in complete awe of that discovery.
    John: As a general rule, just try not to live a life that could lead a descendant of yours to one day say, "A guy smashed grandpappy's head with a garden hoe? That's amazing! Great job that guy!"
    • In the second clip, Larry David finds out not only does he have ancestors who fought for the South during the Civil War, but also owned slaves. Oliver's reaction to David's strained reaction is classic.
    Larry: [laughing in shock and incredulity] Oh, oh, you did it! You did it! I knew it! I knew it! Unbelievable! Boy... Oh boy, oh boy.
    John: Yeah. Pret-taaaay, pret-taaaay, pret-taaaay bad! Pretty bad!
  • After explaining all the problems with having monuments to Confederate leaders, John suggests some replacements. After two normal suggestions (monuments to African-Americans who achieved accomplishments), he offers Florida a statue of a bird-flipping alligator named Herman. Last on the list is North Carolina, who gets Stephen Colbert. As in, literally Stephen Colbert on a pedestal spouting facts about local history. Then Colbert notes he can't be there all the time, as his show need to be filmed five days a week, which John cannot believe he can keep up with. Then Colbert mentions that the town was the site of the first naval defeat of the British, just to annoy John.
• Pointing out how much Equifax has learned on how to deal with phishing websites in light of one popping up after the data breach, John points to equifaxfraudprevention.com, a website the show itself bought and put up to show that Equifax has still failed, which reads "How are we still able to do this? Why haven't you learned anything?", rubbing in the company's face its continued failure in handling what happened.
  • John is baffled how hundreds of credit reports were sent to the same address.
    John: What exactly did you think had happened there? That every single Fraggle checked their credit at once. Down at Fraggle Rock. [Claps twice] Down at Fraggle Rock! [Audience claps twice] Now-Very nice!
• After revealing Australian politicians are protesting against Macklemore singing "Same Love" in the AFL Final, John shows said event has a bad tradition on musical concerts, with a terrible Meat Loaf concert (and to apologize to Australians, the "And Now This" shows this).
  John: Step aside, Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper, we have a new "Day The Music Died".
• On his episode about flooding:
  • John mentions that flooding is likely to get worse due to climate change, and then remarks on the debate surrounding it:
    John: I know there are people who will dispute that, and we just don't have time tonight to litigate whether extreme weather events are exacerbated by climate change, so for now, let's just say-
    Giant Bold Red Letters: THEY ARE.
  • John compares buying housing in a flood zone to other bad ideas, like giving Tostitos to a seagull, stating that it will only to lead to Tostito-addicted seagulls following you around. Cue a puppet seagull swooping in to bother him until he chases it away. It comes back two more times, though the last time it suddenly starts speaking, and states that it would actually like to comment on the segment, giving a moving speech about how homes are more about the people you're with than where you live. Then it asks for Tostitos.
• On the episode about Economic Development Incentives
  • Just as John starts mentioning about how he knows that it is a topic that isn't interesting, the "viewer" activates picture-in-picture to put John in the corner while they watch the Entourage movie. John then convinces them to hear the movie's first line and see which is the better option.
    Johnny "Drama" Chase: [arriving to a yacht full of beautiful women] I may have to jerk it before we even get there!
    [the "viewer" immediately goes back to John]
  • The Running Gag of John tuning Trump's erection to the sound of a slide whistle.
  • John says that no one should get an incentive for moving to Fargo; they should get a psyche exam and be asked to answer one question.
    Who did you kill? No, seriously, who did you kill? We'll still let you live here, but we do need to know.
  • The fact that Kentucky has a Noah's Ark museum paid for by tax dollars, and the website even addresses manure.
    • John also addresses the Ark museum’s blatant hiring restrictions: Christians only, no gays/lesbians, and single people have to sign a chastity pledge.
      John: Oh, come on! Aside from the homophobia, chastity is a pretty weird rule to put in place for a museum that’s pretty much a gigantic replica of a floating fuck zoo! They weren’t brought in two by two so that everyone would have a swim buddy, they were on that boat to fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
  • After the main story, John does a segment about The Inspectors, a bizarre edu-tainment show on CBS where the U.S. Postal Inspectors act like the CSI-verse or other CBS crime dramas, all for the purpose of informing kids how to safely handle their mail. John learns the show isn't big with kids but is with senior citizens, so he gets help from shows popular with younger people to spread the message of postal safety, including RuPaul's Drag Race, This Is Us (with Jack Pearson joking how he's not going to die from a letter bomb, referencing the show's Myth Arc) and Orange Is the New Black.
• From the segment on Alex Jones:
  • In response to Jones's infamous "turning the friggin' frogs gay" rant, John just wonders how he'll react to the real government conspiracy to turn raccoons bilingual.
  • John's varying descriptions of Dr. Edward Group III, Jones's "medical expert", as looking like "the lead in a direct-to-DVD Kato Kaelin biopic", "what would happen if Tom Petty was machine-washed instead of dry-cleaned", "a fifth-year senior at the University of Falling Off A Surfboard", and "what would happen if Iggy Pop got the Rachel". Then he plays a clip of Group telling people to Google "refugees spreading disease", to which John retorts that doing that will probably just take them to the Wikpedia page on xenophobia.
  • The run-down of a moment where Jones is unusually hesitant to make definitive statements about the effects of one of his supplements:
  John: ... wait... Wait... Okay, so let's break that down: It repairs nerves, but maybe doesn't, it's organic, but not really, it contains GMOs, which is bad, except for when he's selling you something, and you can only find its ingredients in comets... oh, and blueberries! And it's the drop-off after that last one that is really incredible: "You can only find this stuff in dinosaur bones...and in trace amounts in Ritz Bits!"
  • When Jones in a clip says people should buy his iodine over the one sold in stores because the store version will kill them:
  John: I honestly did not know you could imply that your competition kills people. "Four out of five dentists prefer Trident gum, and the fifth dentist is dead, because he put a piece of Wrigley's in his mouth, and that's basically suicide!"
  • John refers to Jones's interview with Megyn Kelly as his appearance on Rationalizing Low Ratings with Megyn Kelly.
  • Describing Jones's constant exhortations for viewers to donate or buy his merchandise as "an NPR pledge drive for people who hate NPR".
• On Brexit:
  • John's reaction to the naughtiest thing Theresa May has ever done: running through the fields.
  John: The naughtiest thing you've ever done is run through a wheat field? I cannot imagine a scenario where that is ever naughty unless you're doing it while high on PCP and fucking a cantaloupe!
  • His commentary on pet passports.
  John: And while they are a genuine logistical concern, pet passports do also sound like they belong to real asshole cats and dogs. "I mean, technically I'm a Persian, but I consider myself more a citizen of the world." Fuck you, Muffin! You still use your mouth to clean your butt! You're not better than me!
• In the season finale:
  • John compares Trump's rambling manner of giving speeches to someone only using the preset word suggestions smartphones give when someone is typing. And then demonstrates by generating an example of doing so that makes just as much sense as one of Drumpf's speeches.
  • John once again hits the "We Got Him" button for Trump, but this time the tiger mascot doesn't give him a chance to realize he's wrong, and just smashes the button. But this does get some pay off later, when John uses the Olson Twins' inability to accept his invite to appear on the show as "proof" of his conspiracy theory of there only being one of them, and hits the button (now reading "We Got Her").
  • The Stinger to the episode: a promo for a Tom Hanks movie featuring all of the Presidential wax models John bought earlier in the season as a sort of presidential action dream team. Then one falls over.