Funny: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
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- During his segment on Nintendo's lack of same-sex marriages in Tomodachi Life, John shows a few clips of Nintendo's other characters enjoying those rights. Mario and Link kiss, Peach and Zelda have a Sexy Discretion Shot, Yoshi marries Toad (complete with Yoshi doubling in size by kissing him), and finally, Bowser (with a mustache) receiving death benefits after his longtime partner Donkey Kong passes away. To make up for that last one, it then cuts to Bowser and Donkey Kong both alive and well, now having brunch together.
- Stephen Hawking himself administering multiple third degree metaphorical burns to Oliver over the course of their short interview.
John: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes, does that mean...that there is a universe out there...where I am smarter than you?Stephen: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.
- John follows that train of thought, to see if there are any universes where he gets to go on a date with Charlize Theron:
Stephen: No.John: What, not at all? In no univers-Stephen: No.John: In none of the infinite universes does that happen.Stephen: No.John: It's completely beyond the bounds of scientific possibility, is what you're saying.Stephen: Yes.John: ...[beat] Quick follow-up question: in any of those of potential universes am I the one rejecting her, and that's why it doesn't work?Stephen: No. You do realise that typing a response is difficult for me, correct?John: Ok, yeah, sure, I'm just trying to play this out, see if there are any hypothetical univers-Stephen: No.
- John follows that train of thought, to see if there are any universes where he gets to go on a date with Charlize Theron:
- The entire segment about Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott.
"Australia is for real Australians, like Tony Abbott, who was actually born in London, England."
- When discussing FIFA's request that Brazil change the law in order to allow alcohol in sports stadiums, they played a clip of a French FIFA official asking them to do so.note John then continues:
John: (in French accent) Maybe I look a beet arrogahnt, but uh, how you say, fuck your laws, and your pooblic saff-ty. Is zat right?
Sepp Blatter: This a reserve.John: A reserve? A reserve of a billion dollars. When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, you might not be a non-profit anymore.
- Also, regarding the fact that FIFA has a billion dollars in the bank when the chairman says that they're non-profit.
- "Antarctica: Stop Coming Here!"
- When pandering while describing the issue with Dr. Oz, Oliver brings on George R.R. Martin to demonstrate pandering.
John: Hey, George. How's the writing going?George: [on Skype] I just killed three of your favorite characters.John: What?! It's not Arya? It's not Arya, is it!? George, it's not Arya? Please tell me it's not Arya! GIVE ME A CLUE, DAMN YOU, MARTIN!George: [shrug]
- In setting up his interview with Pepe Julian Onziema, a Uganda LGBT activist, John showed a clip from a Ugandan morning show that Pepe was on. The first question out of the interviewer's mouth was "Why are you gay?" Naturally, thinking this is how all interviews in Uganda start, John had this as his first question for Pepe.
- The fake attack ads against Allison Grimes and Mitch McConnell. Especially the latter.
For too long, politics in Washington have been dominated by old, white, wrinkled dicks. And no dick is older, whiter, or wrinklier than Mitch McConnell's.(A close shot of an old, white, wrinkled penis appears)Think about that, Kentucky. And don't just think about it - look at it.
- The discussion of gambling addiction commercials in Singapore.
- When discussing Kansas possibly profiting from porn, John rattles off a series of Parallel Porn Titles, capping with (to milk The Wizard of Oz connection) "Swallow the Yellow Dicks' Load".
- He takes it all the way. He describes the various items for sale, and advises people to treat this like a charity auction, where people overpay for things that they don't really need. This is finished with him advising the people of Kansas to buy an 18-inch double dildo and proudly display it in their living room, and when they have guests over, to take it off the shelf and wave it in the faces of the guests.
- John Oliver, sad over the broken prison system of America, tries to talk to a bunch of Muppet children about his worries. One of the kids says that his dad is in jail for a minor drug offense. John agrees with the kid that his dad probably shouldn't be in prison for that. But then one girl speaks up.
Muppet Girl: Well, my daddy's in prison because he killed four people!John Oliver: (A little stunned) Well, okay, he's actually a dangerous individual who NEEDS to be in prison.
Crocodile: Well, it looks the same to him.(Later)John Oliver: Those are zoos! Those are zoos, your dad is an alligator in a zoo!Crocodile: I'm a crocodile. I'm a crocodile! Oh, we all look alike, right?
- As well as the crocodile whose father is behind bars too... at a zoo.
- You can see John Oliver Corpsing after the above line, covering his mouth to hide his smile. He recovers in time to respond to the crocodile with a straight face.
- Also, he talks about how a woman had sugar put in her C section. The Monster kid then asks what a C section is, if it's the Letter C (which he pulls out). John Oliver says that's what he means.
- A good portion of his Nuclear Weapons segment is him detailing the utter ineptitude of the system and people watching over these Nuclear Weapons, culminating in:
Let's recap: That within the last 12 months, we were in a situation of the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the president's command would have theoretically gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would have then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would have needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to grab an LP sized floppy disk and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it!
Some of our most powerful weapons are Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles, I.C.B.M., which is both an acronym, and what you would say if you saw one coming at you. That's a little joke for all you gastroenterologists out there.
- There was also this:
- Due to laws in Thailand that prohibit insulting their monarchy, John is put on their military watch list (as a threat, no less) after he does a segment mocking said monarchy. His response is to complain about their reveal of his middle name and to promptly burn several more bridges by insulting all the monarchies of countries that have similar laws.
- During the coverage of the Argentine banking default, when it's revealed that one of the American hedge funds that lent to the government apparently tried to repossess one of the country's naval crafts after they couldn't sufficiently pay their debts:
John: Just... just think about that. A secretive millonaire's hedge fund essentially boat-jacked a warship, like a Somali pirate in an Armani suit.(Picture of Barkhad Abdi as Muse wearing a gray three-piece appears on-screen)
- When covering the issue of the Wage Gap between men and women, John closes the show with a faux commercial for "Ladybucks", a way for corporations to pay women the same amount of money as men, but with the value being 83 percent the value of actual currency. One notable payoff is when a female employee gives her male employer a "thumbs up" when he peeks in her cubicle, but then flips him off with both hands the second his back is turned.
- The Side Effects Include... gag capping off the Ladybucks add (which honestly should be what happens to businesses using the wage gap):
- The entire discussion on the Scottish Independence debate, especially John's mini-rant on British Prime Minister David Cameron.
News Clip: He's seen in Scotland as the personification of everything that's wrong with England and the UK.John Oliver: Yeah, I agree with that. He embodies all the things I hate most about England and I'm English! Let me prove this to you. (photo of several Oxford University students, including Cameron) This is a picture of him as a student at Oxford. He's in f***ing tails! Now, Cameron says he's desperately embarrassed by that photo, which is why it pains me so much to be showing it to you.
- Law and Order: Civil Asset Forfeiture Unit, featuring more than a few cameos from Criminal Intent.
- The reason why robots in home improvement retailers are not a good idea, plus the followup Home Depot Commercial.
- Basically, the entire first few minutes of the State Legislatures and ALEC episode showing how they're basically Cloudcuckoolanders full of racist and loud, angry people. Though, it quickly goes into Fridge Horror territory when he says they're the ones passing most bills. Yes, those loud, angry, and racist people pass more bills than Congress.
John: "It's not really a surprise that you made that mistake with a microphone, you don't seem like someone who can tell whether something's turned on or not."
- The part where Duvall and Miller, two California state legislators, talk about their spanking fetish into a microphone that they didn't know was turned on is funny in its own right, but John's Take That just takes it.
- The Salmon Cannon, in which John goes Shamu Fu on a truly impressive number of celebrities. Naturally, the first victim is Jon Stewart.
- The reactions of said celebrities are priceless. Among others...
- Two characters from The Young and the Restless desperately trying to maintain dramatic tension despite one of them getting hit in the face by a salmon, and staring at her partner incredibly awkwardly.
- Tom Hanks getting annoyed when he gets hit a second time. "HEY!"
- Wanda Sykes going "what the hell?" after getting hit in the face.
- David Letterman holding the salmon that landed on his table in utter confusion.
- J. J. Abrams getting annoyed and outright quitting his directing job. Shortly before R2D2 gets hit with a salmon as well.
- A certain someone on Grey's Anatomy giving a "I don't get paid enough for this shit" look after getting hit. Her patient also flatlines.
- And, last but not least, Homer Simpson getting hit repeatedly in the face until he gets buried in salmon. Followed by a muffled "Mmm, salmon..."
- The reactions of said celebrities are priceless. Among others...
- The parody ad attacking the Washington Redskins name.
- On pharmaceutical companies spending more on marketing than on R&D:
John: Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside of you than being effective once they're in there.
- The show prepared a farewell message for Radioshack to use, with the commercial asking What the Hell, Hero? at the jokes made at their bankruptcy.
- From the How is This Still a Thing? featurette on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue:
Narrator: Even S.I. seems to know it's losing relevance — which may be why, every year, like clockwork, they provoke an attention-grabbing controversy, whether it's using other countries' citizens as props [...] objectifying woman with an actual object [...] or this year, baiting the media with THIS bullshit.
(The 2015 issue appears, featuring model Hannah Davis pulling down her bikini bottom)
Carl Quintanilla: When the line goes this far, what's left?
Narrator: The vagina. The vagina is what's left.
- The footage of Vladimir Putin, after making a big show of Russia's military force while visiting Egypt, having to listen to his country's national anthem be butchered by a soggy, off-key brass band. He looks so sternly bellicose that even John cracks up.
- John when talking about our infrastructure and how highway funds get money from a gas-tax, but the tax hasn't increased with inflation.
John: "The fact that it hasn't increased means that in real terms the gas-tax has gone down 39% since 1993. Much like koosh ball sales or respect for Bill Cosby."
Norton: Well then tighten [the bolt] goddamn it!... Okay, listen to me! Listen to me, listen to me... lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.
- John tries to make infrastructure exciting with a fake movie trailer called "Infrastructure", featuring Edward Norton and Steve Buscemi.
Buscemi: I'm the best damn inspector in the business - and I'm here to inspect this dam.
John: Here's how obvious our need is — just two days ago, even a total idiot agreed.
- This exchange:
(Cut to Donald Trump at the 2015 CPAC)
Trump: We have to rebuild our infrastructure! Our roads are crumbling; everything's crumbling, and we're rebuilding China!
John: Okay, now, glossing over whatever the fuck he was talking about regarding "rebuilding China", that upside-down piece of candy corn in a wig made of used medical gauze is right!
- When John makes the red-tailed hawk the official raptor of Last Week Tonight, a live hawk is brought out to demonstrate. John does his level best to keep going while cringing in fear of it, and the trainer even stretches his arm so it will be closer to John.
- John frames the surveillance debate in terms everyone can understand: dick pics. The level of Innocent Innuendo in that interview (e.g. "Upstream is how they snatch your junk" and "PRISM is how they pull your junk out of Google, with Google's involvement") is huge.
John: Do not confuse Edward Snowden with Julian Assange. Even Benedict Cumberbatch could not make him likable! He's un-Cumberbatchable! That was supposed to be physically impossible!
- And after flying to Russia to interview Snowden, he waits for an hour longer than he expected to - and halfway through that hour, he was informed that their Russian producer had booked them a room that overlooked the former KGB headquarters, and current FSB headquarters in Russia.
- He also asks random people on the street who Edward Snowden is. The answers he got range from "I don't know" to "He's the founder of WikiLeaks."
John: Okay, just to be clear, NSA, I never met this guy so take me off your f***ing list! 'Cause I do not want to get stuck in Russia! (running through Moscow) I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I wanna go home!
- Snowden's amazingly baffled look upon opening a folder John has told him contains very sensitive information. It's a picture of John's dick.
- John's look of terror at the conclusion of their interview, when Snowden tells them that now they're "associated" and the NSA will be putting him on "the list".
- "Standardized tests! The fastest way to terrify any child with five letters outside of just whispering the word "clown"!"
- When John rolls out his mascots for various federal agencies, the mascot for the Bureau of Alcohol, Firearms, Tobacco, and Explosives is Bob Balaban... that is, the real Bob Balaban, standing there in a jacket and tie, looking awfully confused. You honestly get the impression that they hired him and then deliberately told him nothing about the gig, just to sell that reaction.
- The sequel to his disdain for FIFA (or as he called it "FIFA II: Electric Boogaloo"), when the news hit of officials being arrested. To say he was gleefully and hilariously vindictive would be an understatement. He probably had jokes prepared YEARS in advance in case this happened.
- It's like a Sony executive greenlighting a sequel in the middle of watching Aloha. "This is absolutely terrible and I need to make sure there's more of it. We'll call it Aloha 2: This time we mean the other meaning."
- And the FOLLOWUP to that. Just two days after he ran the episode talking about arrests in the FIFA scandal Sepp Blatter, the universally hated president of FIFA, RESIGNED. Oliver at the time, due to the unlikelihood of Blatter leaving office, mockingly asked FIFA's sponsors to pull support in order to pressure Blatter by saying he'd wear a truly ridiculous pair of Adidas shoes, take a bite out of everything in the Dollar Menu at McDonald's (complete with humming the "I'm Loving It" jingle), and even drink a Bud Light Lime. So, despite the fact that there was no indication of any of those companies pulling sponsorship or that Blatter resigning was because of them, Oliver proved he was a man of his word and did ALL THREE. Special mention goes to the Bud Light Lime segment. Because while he said he'd claim it was delicious, he never said about anything he'd say before drinking it.
John:"It tastes the like the Jolly Green Giant's ejaculate. It tastes like the Great Gazoo pissed in a swimming pool. It tastes like a green Jolly Rancher fished from Mickey Rourke's mouth!"
John:"The reviews so far have been phenomenal. The Guardian said that, ‘As cinema it is excrement,’ and The New York Times called it “…one of the most unwatchable films in recent memory.’ And remember, this is the same week the Entourage movie came out. #THEBOYSAREBACK”
- Not only did Oliver drink the bottle, he CHUGGED IT.
- There was also the matter of Blatter's resignation happening around the same time as the US release of United Passions, a biopic about the history of FIFA that had been financed by FIFA and was suspiciously glowing in spite of the years of accusations of corruption directed at the organization.
- His comment about the Adidas, which was unfortunately almost lost in the crowd's reaction: "Who needs arch support when you look like Louis XIV going to a rap battle?"
- Discovering that Thailand has a weird obsession with Hitler, featuring him in chicken restaurants, laxative ads and boy bands. John even suggests Rip Taylor as a better replacement.
- On his segment, John got Helen Mirren to narrate for the CIA Torture Report Book. Afterwards, he got her to narrate a Beatrix Potter book to alleviate the disgust of torture, this is what he got:
Mirren: "But while Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-tail were on their way to pick blackberries, Peter was chained to a wall in farmer McGregor's basement. He'd been badly beaten, and a tray of carrots and raisins was pureed and rectally infused."
- During his segment on online harassment, John rickrolls the audience twice and briefly brings back the "Carlos Danger" dance after an Anthony Weiner joke.
- The spot-on recreation of a '90s Internet ad, replacing its characters with a pair of Men's Rights Activists marveling at how they can use the Internet to destroy women's lives, all with the same cheerful delivery as the original.
- In order to celebrate the "Leap Second", LWT staff bought the domain name "JohnOliverSecsTapes.com" - John points out that no one had thought to say it out loud prior to purchase.
- The 5-year montage of all the conservatives who predicted that Obamacare would soon be repealed, ending with one still thinking about trying to repeal it.
- During the Pride Week episode, John plays a clip from CNN where the commentators seem eminently fearful of a picture of an "ISIS flag" marching unnoticed at a parade in London, speculating about its purpose and calling in one of the network's terrorism analysts. What nobody reporting happened to notice, however, is that it wasn't a "very bad mimicry" of the actual ISIS flag, but a parody by sexual activist and performance artist Paul Coombs, with all the writing replaced by dildos and butt-plugs. And, yes, CNN held on the graphic image for over 7 straight minutes. John delightedly mentions that, as of airtime, not only had they not apologized, but had ignored the incident completely.
- July 4th, the annual American tradition of reminding the sky who runs shit.
- While talking about stadiums and discussing how they failed to stimulate the economy, he brought out a clip of an economist saying that it would be more stimulating for the ecomomy to take the money that would be spent on the stadium and dump it out all over the city and let the populace grab it and spend it. This led him to pitch a new Reality TV show.
John Oliver: Tune in this Sunday for Ryan Seacrest's Billion Dollar Dump! ONLY on NBC!
- John getting baffled by Laibach and their work.
- The advert encouraging Canadians not to cheat on their spouses has a few gems.
- "Moose, you keep right on moosing. This doesn't concern you."
- Showing a bunch of idyllic locations supposedly of Ottawa, then admitting it's actually Paris.
- The segues into random sex acts, such as "unsolicited cunnilingus" and finger banging in the car port.
- "So in conclusion, don't have sex with someone else's husband named Gordon. Have sex with yer OWN husband named Gordon."
- John having a bunch of kids sing a modified version of the 50 States song describing how Congress is screwing over Washington, D.C.
- The kids, having a blast, are smiling brightly as they sing about the injustice with Lyrical Dissonance.
- Highlights include "'cause some asshole with a rider who might live from Tennessee can destroy a needle program for preventing HIV!"
- The song ends with, if people only want 50 states, then "let's all kick out Florida 'cause no one thinks they're great." Repeated twice, and sung in three-part harmony!
- Concerned that teenagers aren't getting decent sex-ed from their own schools due to statewide abstinence-only mandates or low funding, John puts together his own star-studded instructional video.
Laverne Cox: Here's how you put a condom on a banana.
Megan Mullally: Oh, this is a lot less curvy than I'm used to.
(Nick Offerman nods at the camera with a "Yeah, that's right" grin on his face)
- Near the beginning of the segment, Oliver screens a now-famous clip from the 1974 film "Linda's Film on Menstruation", featuring a young Jonathan Banks as "Johnny", Judy's befuddled boyfriend who can't understand how she's suddenly doing so well at the bowling lanes; at the very end, Banks appears to bitterly remark that periods don't actually make you any better at sports.
- Go ahead, call 1-800-THIS-IS-LEGAL, as advertised at the end of the tele-evangelist special. Go ahead and call it. John Oliver will eventually break down into a hilarious psychotic tirade commanding the caller to give him money.
Reverend John Oliver: I wouldn't bless you if you fucking sneezed.
- After the initial segment, the Right Mega-Rev. Oliver reviews the many seed-faith donations sent in by his flock, including an "inexplicable" package of beef jerky, an enormous canvas bag of seeds, and a one-hundred trillion Zimbabwean dollar bill, which — as John bitterly notes — is worth only about $0.40 American.
- One of the seed donations is simply a five-dollar bill attached to a very blunt and direct note: "Take my seed, you rat faced bastard."
- John asked every single presidential candidate, "Would you support a passage of a federal law or laws that prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, specifically in the areas of employment, housing, public accommodation, and access to credit?" and a spokesman for Rand Paul responded with, "We'll pass. Thanks" John was, understandably, confused.