Funny / Last Week Tonight With John Oliver Season Two

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• On pharmaceutical companies spending more on marketing than on R&D:
  John: Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside of you than being effective once they're in there.
• The show prepared a farewell message for Radioshack to use, with the commercial asking What the Hell, Hero? at the jokes made at their bankruptcy.
• From the How is This Still a Thing? featurette on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue:
  Narrator: Even S.I. seems to know it's losing relevance — which may be why, every year, like clockwork, they provoke an attention-grabbing controversy, whether it's using other countries' citizens as props [...] objectifying woman with an actual object [...] or this year, baiting the media with THIS bullshit.
  (The 2015 issue appears, featuring model Hannah Davis pulling down her bikini bottom)
  Carl Quintanilla: When the line goes this far, what's left?
  Narrator: The vagina. The vagina is what's left.
• The footage of Vladimir Putin, after making a big show of Russia's military force while visiting Egypt, having to listen to his country's national anthem be butchered by a soggy, off-key brass band. He looks so sternly bellicose that even John cracks up.
  John: (barely containing his laughter) LOOK HOW ANGRY HE IS! And yet, he's got to just stand there and take it!
• John when talking about our infrastructure and how highway funds get money from a gas tax, but the tax hasn't increased with inflation.
  John: The fact that it hasn't increased means that in real terms the gas-tax has gone down 39% since 1993. Much like koosh ball sales or respect for Bill Cosby.
  • John tries to make infrastructure exciting with a fake movie trailer called "Infrastructure", featuring Edward Norton and Steve Buscemi.
    Norton: Well then tighten [the bolt] goddamn it!... Okay, listen to me! Listen to me, listen to me... lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.
    Buscemi: I'm the best damn inspector in the business - and I'm here to inspect this dam.
  • This exchange:
    John: Here's how obvious our need is — just two days ago, even a total idiot agreed.
    [cut to Donald Trump at the 2015 CPAC]
    Trump: We have to rebuild our infrastructure! Our roads are crumbling; everything's crumbling, and we're rebuilding China!
    John: Okay, now, glossing over whatever the fuck he was talking about regarding "rebuilding China", that upside-down piece of candy corn in a wig made of used medical gauze is right!
  • "You've been Badgered!"
• When John makes the red-tailed hawk the official raptor of Last Week Tonight, a live hawk is brought out to demonstrate. John does his level best to keep going while cringing in fear of it, and the trainer even stretches his arm so it will be closer to John.
  • Watch closely: the trainer looks at John cringing, and then grins at the audience before he sloooowly moved the hawk closer.
• John takes on the government surveillance:
  • After flying to Russia to interview Edward Snowden, he waits for an hour longer than he expected to - and halfway through that hour, he was informed that their Russian producer had booked them a room that overlooked the former KGB headquarters, and current FSB headquarters in Russia.
  • He also asks random people on the street who Edward Snowden is. The answers he got range from "I don't know" to "He's the founder of WikiLeaks," the latter of which actually refers to Julian Assange. John then said to not confuse Snowden with Assange.
    John: Julian Assange is not a likable man. Even Benedict Cumberbatch could not make him likable! He's un-Cumberbatchable! That was supposed to be physically impossible!
  • John frames the debate in terms everyone can understand: dick pics. Snowden has an amazingly baffled look upon opening a folder John has told him contains very sensitive information. It's a picture of John's dick. The level of Innocent Innuendo in the explanation given by Snowden of the programs that follows (e.g. "Upstream is how they snatch your junk" and "PRISM is how they pull your junk out of Google, with Google's involvement") is huge.
  • John's look of terror at the conclusion of their interview, when Snowden tells them that now they're "associated" and the NSA will be putting him on "the list".
    John: Okay, just to be clear, NSA, I never met this guy [a still picture of the interview is still on the screen] so take me off your f***ing list! 'Cause I do not want to get stuck in Russia! [running through Moscow] I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home!
• "Standardized tests! The fastest way to terrify any child with five letters outside of just whispering the word "clown"!"
  • The episode starts with school-made videos to motivate kids during testing season, including of one of a pep rally with a monkey mascot. John says that the videos put him in the mood and calls in the monkey.
  • After a heartwrenching video of a eigth grader giving a tearful speech about how she was asked to leave her AP classes due to her low test scores, John calls the monkey in again, only to yell at him for making the girl cry.
  • When teacher pay getting tied to student test scores gets explained:
    John: That explains why the signs that used to say "believe in yourselves" now read, "Don't fuck me on this!"
• When John rolls out his mascots for various federal agencies, the mascot for the Bureau of Alcohol, Firearms, Tobacco, and Explosives is Bob Balaban... that is, the real Bob Balaban, standing there in a jacket and tie, looking awfully confused. You honestly get the impression that they hired him and then deliberately told him nothing about the gig, just to sell that reaction.
• The sequel to his disdain for FIFA (or as he called it "FIFA II: Electric Boogaloo"), when the news hit of FIFA officials being arrested. To say he was gleefully and hilariously vindictive would be an understatement; he probably had jokes prepared years in advance in case this happened.
  John: It's like a Sony executive green-lighting a sequel in the middle of watching Aloha. "This is absolutely terrible and I need to make sure there's more of it. We'll call it Aloha 2: This Time We Mean The Other Meaning."
• And the followup to that: just two days after he ran the FIFA II episode talking about the arrests in the FIFA scandal, the universally hated president of FIFA Sepp Blatter resigned. Oliver at the time, due to the unlikelihood of Blatter leaving office, mockingly asked FIFA sponsors in the previous episode to pull support in order to pressure Blatter by saying he'd wear a truly ridiculous pair of Adidas shoes, take a bite out of everything in the Dollar Menu at McDonald's, and even drink a Bud Light Lime. Despite the fact (stated by John himself) that there was no indication of any of those companies pulling sponsorship or that Blatter resigning was because of them, John proved he was a man of his word and did all three; Special mention goes to the Bud Light Lime segment: while he said he'd claim it was delicious, he never said about what he'd say before drinking it.
  John: ...Bud Light Lime tastes like Jolly Green Giant's ejaculate, it tastes like the Great Gazoo urinating in a public pool or a lime Jolly Rancher fished out of Mickey Rourke's mouth!
  • Not only did Oliver drink the bottle, he CHUGGED IT.
    • His remark about the Dollar Menu? "It's like there's a party in my mouth and my stomach has called the cops to have it shut down!"
  • There was also the matter of Blatter's resignation happening around the same time as the North American release of United Passions, a biopic about the history of FIFA that had been financed by FIFA and was suspiciously glowing in spite of the years of accusations of corruption directed at the organization.
  John: The reviews so far have been phenomenal: The Guardian said that, "As cinema it is excrement," and The New York Times called it "...one of the most unwatchable films in recent memory." And remember, this is the same week the Entourage movie came out. #THEBOYSAREBACK
  • His comment about the Adidas, which was unfortunately almost lost in the crowd's reaction: "Who needs arch support when you look like Louis XIV going to a rap battle?"
• Discovering that Thailand has a weird obsession with Hitler, featuring him in chicken restaurants, laxative ads and boy bands, John suggests Rip Taylor as a better replacement — he's also ostentatious, fun, and has a mustache, but isn't a reviled genocidal madman.
• During his segment on torture, John got Helen Mirren to narrate for the CIA Torture Report Book. Afterwards, he got her to narrate a Beatrix Potter book to alleviate the disgust of torture, this is what he got:
  Mirren: "But while Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-tail were on their way to pick blackberries, Peter was chained to a wall in farmer McGregor's basement. He'd been badly beaten, and a tray of carrots and raisins was pureed and rectally infused."
  • From that same episode, John's brief impression of Andy Taylor, explaining a very bad day at prison to Opie, to call attention to President Barack Obama's questionable phrasing when describing torture:
    John: [imitating Andy Griffith] You see, Opie, things got a little out of hand down at the jailhouse. And Barney and I? Well... we tortured some folks. We tortured those folks good, Ope!
  • Likewise, his astonishment that 46 percent of Americans don't believe in the big bang theory when the theme from the sitcom explains it every week.
    John: And sadly, there is no sitcom theme that explains torture to us, at least not since they cancelled Two Guys, a Girl and a Black Site Prison.
  • There's also one YouTube commenter's astute observation:
    "Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay" sounds like great fun if you don't know what either of those things are.
• During his segment on online harassment, John rickrolls the audience twice and briefly brings back the "Carlos Danger" dance after an Anthony Weiner joke.
• The spot-on recreation of a '90s internet ad, replacing its characters with two men marveling at how they can use the Internet to destroy women's lives, all with the same cheerful delivery as the original.
• In order to celebrate the "Leap Second", LWT staff bought the domain name "JohnOliverSecsTapes.com" - John points out that no one had thought to say it out loud prior to purchase.
• The 5-year montage of all the conservatives who predicted that Obamacare would soon be repealed, ending with one still thinking about trying to repeal it.
• During the Pride Week episode, John plays a clip from CNN where the commentators seem eminently fearful of a picture of an "ISIS flag" marching unnoticed at a parade in London, speculating about its purpose and calling in one of the network's terrorism analysts. What nobody reporting happened to notice, however, is that it wasn't a "very bad mimicry" of the actual ISIS flag, but a parody by sexual activist and performance artist Paul Coombs, with all the writing replaced by dildos and butt-plugs. And, yes, CNN held on the graphic image for over 7 straight minutes. John delightedly mentions that, as of airtime, not only had they not apologized, but had ignored the incident completely.
• July 4th, the annual American tradition of reminding the sky who runs shit.
• While talking about stadiums and discussing how they failed to stimulate the economy, he brought out a clip of an economist saying that it would be more stimulating for the economy to take the money that would be spent on the stadium and dump it out all over the city and let the populace grab it and spend it. This led him to pitch a new Reality TV show.
  John: Tune in this Sunday for Ryan Seacrest's Billion Dollar Dump! ONLY on NBC!
  • From the same episode, John talks about a group of fans who created a rap song to promote the idea of a stadium by noting that San Diego was the "second largest" city in California, as if rappers normally boasted in any of their songs about being the second best anything.
    John: Yo, I got the second-hottest car 'cause I'm the second most paid / When I go to the club, I get the second most laid! Second most! Second most! I'm up there! I'm #2, yo! #2!
  • At the end of the episode, John gives a Rousing Speech to a group of assorted sports fans who had been taken for granted in stadium-related politics (e.g., having their taxes go to expensive stadiums that primarily benefit billionaire team owners, or having their teams threaten to leave if their host cities don't agree to financing new stadiums) on An Aesop of not basing their civic pride and identity solely in terms of sports teams. When talking to Cincinnati Bengals fans, John attempts to appeal to their civic pride by reminding them that they are the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as well as the hometown of astronaut Jim Lovell and actress Carol Kane. However, a Bengals fan corrects John by telling him that these distinctions belong to Cleveland, not Cincinnati, leaving the latter unable to think of anything noteworthy about Cincinnati and then concede that Cincinnati might have to keep the Bengals after all.
• John getting baffled by Laibach and their work.
  John: [after playing the band's cover of "Sympathy for the Devil"] Finally, we have an answer to the question: What if Freddie Mercury was trapped in a cave, had just swallowed a frog, and was trying to sing it out?
• The advert encouraging Canadians not to cheat on their spouses has a few gems.
  • "Moose, you keep right on moosing. This doesn't concern you."
  • Showing a bunch of idyllic locations supposedly of Ottawa, then admitting it's actually Paris.
  • The segues into random sex acts, such as "unsolicited cunnilingus" and finger banging in the carport.
  • "So in conclusion, don't have sex with someone else's husband named Gordon. Have sex with yer OWN husband named Gordon."
• John having a bunch of kids sing a modified version of the 50 States song describing how Congress is screwing over Washington, D.C.
  • The kids, having a blast, are smiling brightly as they sing about the injustice with Lyrical Dissonance.
  • Highlights include "'cause some asshole with a rider who might live in Tennessee can destroy a needle program for preventing HIV!"
  • The song ends with the suggestion that, if people only want there to be 50 states, then "let's all kick out Florida 'cause no one thinks they're great." Repeated twice, and sung in three-part harmony!
• Concerned that teenagers aren't getting decent sex-ed from their own schools due to statewide abstinence-only mandates or low funding, John puts together his own star-studded instructional video.
  Laverne Cox: Here's how you put a condom on a banana.
  Megan Mullally: Oh, this is a lot less curvy than I'm used to.
  (Nick Offerman^note Megan Mullally's real-life husband nods at the camera with a "Yeah, that's right" grin on his face)
  • Near the beginning of the segment, Oliver screens a now-famous clip from the 1974 film "Linda's Film on Menstruation", featuring a young Jonathan Banks as "Johnny", Judy's befuddled boyfriend who can't understand how she's suddenly doing so well at the bowling lanes; at the very end, Banks appears to bitterly remark that periods don't actually make you any better at sports.
  • Especially funny for Gravity Falls fans - it's impossible to hear Mabel explaining puberty and sex to you without laughing.
  • While showing several pro-abstinence videos, one example is a man showing a woman's ragged sneakers, claiming the entire football team has been in them. While the woman defends herself saying she made them all wear socks, the man responds "socks don't protect my heart." John's angry not because of the metaphor of shaming his wife, but because "socks don't protect my heart" might be the funniest line said on the show, and the show's team hadn't written it.
  • John is impressed with the creativity of one teacher putting a sock on his foot to demonstrate proper condom use.
    John: That is very clever! That's very clever. Although, although, it's not perfect. If you can't get a sock out of the packaging, you don't then lose your foot for a minute and need to think of Rihanna to get it back, but-it's back.
  • John is very confused when a senator suggests sex education should be taught at home.
    John: Here's an exchange that has never happened: "How are you so good at sex?" "I was home-schooled."
• Go ahead, call 1-800-THIS-IS-LEGAL, as advertised at the end of the televangelist special. Go ahead and call it. John Oliver will eventually break down into a hilarious psychotic tirade commanding the caller to give him money.
  • For those of you too cheap to even bother calling.
  • After the initial segment, the Right Mega-Rev. Oliver reviews the many seed-faith donations sent in by his flock, including an "inexplicable" package of beef jerky, an enormous canvas bag of seeds, and a one-hundred trillion Zimbabwean dollar bill, which — as John bitterly notes — is worth only about $0.40 American.
    Reverend John Oliver: I wouldn't bless you if you fucking sneezed.
  • One of the seed donations is simply a five-dollar bill attached to a very blunt and direct note: "Take my seed, you rat faced bastard."
  • Even better, going to the website now brings you to a short letter detailing that they're shutting down, and why (but not before saying that it wasn't because of the law).
    "We're closing because multiple people sent us sperm through the mail. And when someone sends you jizz through the mail, it's time to stop whatever you're doing."
  • In the very last segment detailing exactly that, John reveals they were sent a four-foot-high wooden phallus and the message "Rub this for the seed you seek!"; after he angrily demands they "shut this shit down" and give all the cash donations to a more worthy cause, workmen take away everything save the giant dildo, which Oliver clutches tight and insists he's keeping.
    • They also sent a shirt reading "John Oliver is a rat-faced bastard!"
    • Also they were sent 12 bobbleheads of Jonny Flynn of the Minnesota Timberwolves, "which, to be honest, is eleven too many."
  • Regarding the vials of semen received:
    "And I think some were fake, but some were not!"
  • Those who sent a donation in the mail received a response letter which contained among other things, a paper with what claims to be the outline of John Oliver's buttocks with the text "Sit on this and think about what you've done!", and a notice that their monetary donation will be forwarded to Doctors Without Borders.
• John asked every single presidential candidate from both parties, "Would you support a passage of a federal law or laws that prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, specifically in the areas of employment, housing, public accommodation, and access to credit?" Only four candidates provided an answer: three of them said "Yes" and a spokesman for Rand Paul responded with, "We'll pass. Thanks." John was, understandably, confused.
• The end of the segment about the Refugee crisis facing Europe, where they managed to get Sammy and E.J. from Days of Our Lives to appear in-character solely for Noujain Moustaffa's benefit, as she'd literally taught herself English by watching their show, and felt sad that EJ had been killed off.
• During his segment on Mental Health, John Oliver points out that prisons hold more mentally ill people than state-funded psychiatric care hospitals. While that is absolutely horrifying, he quickly makes it funny.
  John: That is terrible. Finding out jails are our largest providers of mental health treatment is like finding out Lil Wayne lyrics are our greatest source of sexual education. [picture of a teenager with a Lil' Wayne poster] No, Darren, you can't "smack it up, flip it like a spatula". Where did you even learn that? What does it mean? "Flip it like a spatula." Would you like it if I did that to your mother? No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't, Darren. So don't say it.
• In order to convince North Dakota to get angry about their ridiculously under-regulated oil industry, John had an actual animated billboard put up telling them "Be Angry. (Please.)"
  • Before that, as the narrator is trying to convince them to get angry, it cuts to a hissing possum.
    Narrator: Holy shit, not you possum!
• John brings Mike Myers out to help him tell Canadians not to re-elect Stephen Harper, capping off with this reference to Kanye West's outburst during a Hurricane Katrina fundraiser (during which Myers was left next to him in Stunned Silence).
  John: Exactly, don't [vote for him], and I'll tell you why: Stephen Harper doesn't care about black people! [music stops abruptly]
  Myers: Oh god... not again!
  John: Oh, sorry, my mistake. What I meant to say was 'Stephen Harper doesn't care about Muslim people'!
  Myers: ...Totally fair! I think he made that pretty clear.
  • The "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer regarding a Canadian law that seeks to charge non-citizens (up to $5000 and/or six months imprisonment) who induce Canadians to vote or not vote for a candidate. Then the end of the skit where he and Myers happily throw Canadian $20s at the camera.
    • Which either becomes less funny or more funny when you find out that Elections Canada^note the organization responsible for running the federal election pointed out that John had actually gotten it wrong. Inducement is offering something tangible in exchange for someone voting or not voting for a certain candidate or party, a.k.a. bribery. Simply stating your opinion in an attempt to get people to vote a different way is not illegal in the slightest, so John was at no risk of breaking the law.
• During his "Medicaid Gap" episode, he goes to talk about the Mississippi elections and how Phil Bryant repelled the Medicaid Expansion. Luckily, his opponent said that he'd expand it... problem is, his opponent is a trucker who didn't even spend more than 100 dollars on his campaign and then forgot to mention he was running for Governor to his own mother!
  John: Holy shit! There is a difference between running a low-key campaign and not having name recognition within your own family!
  • In the same episode, when he goes on to talk about Virginia and how one person who's a massive obstacle to Medicaid is a man whose name is Dick Black.
    John: Whose name, yes, sounds like a category heading in an adult bookstore, but believe me, he's considerably less fun than his name suggests.
  • Also, as it turns out, Senator Dick Black shares the name with an accordionist who actually released an album called A Taste of Dick Black.
• If Sepp Blatter got a yogurt in the FIFA office refrigerator before he got suspended, it could still be there when he returned... if not for the fact that Janice in Accounting don't give a fuck.◊ If the fridge had an euthanized lion, she wouldn't give a fuck either! And let's not talk about that disputed South China Sea territory.
• While discussing a certain Crown Jewel that was stolen from India, which India now wants back, John gives what's probably the real reason England is refusing to do it: they stole virtually everything they have, so that the entire British Museum is basically an active crime scene, and if they gave anything back then they'd have to give it all back, until they're left with only a painting of Tennyson and a pair of Gary Oldman's running shorts.
  • The entirety of their cameo-studded fake Fantasy Sports commercial, but special note goes to the credits: while improvising between a pregnant couple deeply in debt, Kathryn Hahn spitefully remarks that she just felt her baby die inside her. Seth Rogan, in response, begins helplessly laughing.
• While talking about how bringing up the Japanese internment camps is bad form, he decides to show the scene of Hyde Park on Hudson where FDR gets a handjob from his distant cousin while in the middle of a field of flowers with soft focus cinematography. After showing it, he says, "Did I have to show you that? No. Did I want to show you that? Absolutely I did."
• This speech from George Bush Sr. that John Oliver adds onto with his commentary:
  George H.W. Bush: This is crack cocaine. Seized a few days ago by drug enforcement agents in a park just across the street from the white house. It could easily have been heroin or PCP. It's as innocent looking as candy. And now, with the help of this bag's contents, I shall ascend into the cosmos on the wings of a dragon to a place where joy is everlasting and fear is but a memory! (snort) LET'S DO THIS THING! LET'S DO THIS THING Y'ALL!!!!!
• The Continuity Cavalcade in the season finale: John brings out several of his past mascots, Wanda Jo and the wooden phallus from his church, the band that does his theme song, and Janice from Accounting in person. She steals his chair and his mug.
• When talking about the Washington Redskins getting their trademarks cancelled by federal courts for offensive names, John brings up their counter-attack: pointing out all the trademarks that have been approved with even more offensive names. These names cannot be mentioned on prime time news because of how hilariously offensive they are, but HBO has no such restrictions. "I could go on, so I will!"
  John: Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention: if you have children in the room, they should have left before the previous thirty seconds.
• On Mohammad Usafi, a translator who worked with US forces, getting his name changed to FNU (First Name Unknown) Mohammad on his SIV visa (that he had spent far too long trying to get):
  "Fnu is fnot a fnucking fname!"