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"Good Luck, Father Ted"
- In an Establishing Character Moment for Dougal, he is convinced that Funland includes a spider baby as part of its freak show, which turns out to be just a spider in a pram. Ted asks if Dougal is sure it wasn't just a dream. He then produces a cartoon drawing of a man's head with the word "DREAMS" written inside the head and "REALITY" outside it and asks, "Have you been studying this like I told you?"
- Following the above, Dougal tells Ted how he rode an old man like a horse for a whole hour, whipping him like a jockey. Ted's reaction is what sells the joke.
- An Establishing Character Moment for both Mrs. Doyle and Father Jack, in her line, his reaction, and her counter-reaction:
Mrs Doyle: And what do you say to a nice cup of tea?Jack: FECK OFF, CUP!Mrs Doyle: [fondly] Ah, he loves his cup of tea.
- After Ted rubbishes the idea of going to Funland, Dougal decides to switch on the television. Jack wakes up, roars, and throws a bottle at the screen, smashing it. Later, as Ted removes the front of the set in an attempt to repair it before the Faith of Our Fathers broadcast for which he is to be interviewed, Dougal holds it up in front of his head and pretends to be presenting Top of the Pops. Jack wakes up and sees him, then bellows, "HOW DID THAT GOBSHITE GET ON THE TELEVISION!?"note
- The diagram returns near the end of the episode when the Faith of Our Fathers crew planning to interview Ted arrive at Funland and mistake Dougal for Ted. As the presenter outlines the plan for the interview to Dougal, an animated version of the diagram appears; question marks appear after the words "DREAMS" and "REALITY", then disappear again as they exchange places and a herd of cartoon rabbits bounce up next to the cartoon head, accompanied by jaunty fiddle music.
- The broadcast of the interview itself is another classic. Dougal, identified by a caption as "Father Ted Crilly", tells the camera he's not sure if God really exists and doesn't go much for the whole organised religion thing, and then begins relating the wonders of the spider baby, all while the real Ted is taken away in an ambulance in the background (and is half-mummified by plaster casts and bandages next to Dougal and Mrs. Doyle as he watches the programme). Then Jack wakes up and sees Dougal's face on the television...
Jack: THAT GOBSHITE AGAIN!? IS IT NEVER OFF THE AIR?! (throws a bottle at the screen again to the horror of the other three)
- When Father Stone reveals he is planning to stay on Craggy Island for a few weeks, Ted sends him outside with Dougal so that he can tell Father Jack the bad news - by telling Father Stone that there is a fire in the house. As Dougal and Father Stone wait outside, with Dougal trying and failing to get some sort of conversation out of Father Stone, Ted puts on a helmet and chest pad, and wakes Jack... cut to outside as Ted flies through the sitting room window to Jack's bellow of "FECK OFF!" And Ted tries to pass if off as backdraft.
- In the opening scene, the Craggy Island priests are entertaining the Cuban Father Hernandez, and tell him the west side of the island used to be lovely... until it broke off in a storm and drifted away.
- The game of Cluedo is bookended by two funny moments. First, as Dougal picks up his cards, Ted, without missing a beat in his conversation with Father Hernandez, pulls the cards out of Dougal's hand and turns them around so that they are facing Dougal rather than the other players. Then, at the end of the scene, as Ted observes that the game has been going for five hours, Dougal picks up the "murder envelope" and asks Ted if there shouldn't be some cards in it.
- Ted and Dougal are ordered by Bishop Brennan to protest the title film as blasphemous. This goes about as well as you'd expect; the duo reluctantly go down to Craggy Island's only cinema, where the house for the screening of The Passion of Saint Tibulus is nearly empty, and stage one of the most good-natured protests ever:
(Ted and Dougal begin booing and heckling the film, which hasn't even started, in monotone voices)
Michael: Who is that!? (hurries up to the row where Ted and Dougal are sitting) Look, you- (sees who it is; Ted smiles at him) Father Ted! Father Dougal! 'Tis yourselves! (shakes their hands)
Ted: Hello Michael! How are you?
Michael: Oh, I'm grand. How's Father Jack? We haven't seen him since we had the last Sharon Stone season on!
Ted: He's grand. He's a bit tired so he won't be along today.
Michael: Oh, right. But you're making a fierce racket.
Ted: It's a long story. We have the bishop over, y'know, Len Brennan. (rolls eyes)
Michael: Oh. That gobshite.
Ted: Yes, and he's going mad because of the film.
Dougal: Aye, and he told us to come down here and kick up a bit of a fuss.
Michael: All right, yeah. Ah, but there's only one thing, though. Eh, you're sort of, er, disrupting the show.
Ted: (chuckles) We're not, are we? Oh, God- awfully sorry, Michael!
Michael: Oh, no, no, no trouble at all, no. But, eh, if you could keep it down a little. I mean, we have to think of other people.
(wide shot of the cinema; the only other patrons are a man and his dog)
Ted: No problem.
Dougal: You can count on us, Michael. (Michael smiles and gets up to leave)
Ted: Michael, Michael - erm, I don't suppose you'd, erm, you could throw us out. Just so we could tell the bishop.
Michael: Oh, no problem! (grabs Ted by the lapels) D'you want to go now?
Ted: Ah, no, we might as well stay and see the film first! (Michael lets go of Ted)
Michael: Oh, okay, so I'll throw you out after the film.
Ted: Oh, and, erm... (tugs his dog collar) We're still okay for the, erm, half-price?
Michael: No problem. (Ted and Dougal chuckle) Enjoy the film! (gets up to leave)
Ted: (cups his hand to his mouth) BOOO!
Michael: (wags his finger at Ted) Now you!... (all three laugh)
- The next day, Bishop Brennan returns and orders the priests to step up their protest. However, Ted and Dougal were so confused by the film itself that they are not sure what to protest against. So as slogans to chant while chaining themselves to the railing outside the cinema, they come up with the ever-quotable...
Ted: Down with this sort of thing!
Dougal: Careful now!
- The protest is a dismal failure; each time Ted and Dougal try to talk someone out of going in to see the film, they just stoke their interest in it. The most hilarious exchange comes from local housewives Mrs. Sheridan and Mrs. Glynn, especially when Mrs. Sheridan doesn't bat an eyelid at Mrs. Glynn comparing Jaye Davidson's genitals in The Crying Game to those of Mr. Sheridan:
Mrs. Glynn: The Passion of Saint Tibulus, what's that? Is it a western or a musical or something?
Mrs. Sheridan: We always go on Tuesdays. Gets us out of the house.
Mrs. Glynn: Oh, we saw a great one a few weeks ago. The Crying Game.
Mrs. Sheridan: Oh, it was brilliant!
Mrs. Glynn: Oh, there was this great bit in it, you see, there was this girl, and then you find out it's not a girl, but a MAN!
Mrs. Sheridan: 'Cause he got his lad out.
Ted: (shocked) What - what?
Mrs. Glynn: Yes, he got his lad out, only you only see it for a second, but it's enough to get the message.
Mrs. Sheridan: I didn't know what it was at first, it's been so long since I've seen one!
Mrs. Glynn: (laughs) I thought it looked rather like your Billy's!
Mrs. Sheridan: (shakes head) Not at all! Billy's is rounder at the top!
- A perfect example of how timing is everything in comedy: after the opening credits, Dougal is sitting on the parochial house sofa next to an uncomfortable-looking Sister Monica. After a very long, awkward pause, he finally comes up with a priceless conversation starter (note that Sister Monica has already been staying at the parochial house for a while at this point):
Dougal: So, then, you're a nun?
- Ted and Dougal discover that Father Jack has drunk a bottle of floor polish, and we learn that Dougal is a bit lacking in self-preservation instincts:
Ted: Oh, God, hold this. (hands Dougal a teapot; Dougal holds it with both hands by the body, not the handle) Father? This is very bad, d'you not remember what the Windolene did to you? (shakes Jack by the shoulder) Father Jack? Father Jack, are you there?
Ted: Imagine the damage floor polish would do you, my dear God!
Ted: (impatiently) What is it!?
Dougal: Eh, I'm in tremendous pain, Ted.
Ted: Put it down then! God, Dougal!
- Sister Monica goads Dougal into giving the seemingly dead Jack the last rites. Dougal counts a famous atheist and a famous Rastafarian among the residents of Catholic Heaven, and his idea of Latin dissolves into reciting the names of Italian footballers:
Dougal: (waves his hands in a very rough approximation of the sign of the cross) Well, we are gathered here today to join two people to... oh, sorry, that's not it, of course, yeah. (Beat) Well Father, best o' luck. (claps Jack on the back; Jack's head slumps forward and Sister Monica glares at Dougal) Oh, of course, yeah, there's more. Eh, sorry I didn't get a chance to see you off. I don't know if I should be talking to you down here or up there... I'll look up there. (looks skyward) So anyway, you're up there now with Our Lord, and Stalin, and Bob Marley, and the rest of them, and, eh, of course my own parents... eh, actually, I'd like to take this opportunity to say hello to them. Ah, hello Mammy, and Daddy, er, hope they're looking after you up there...
Sister Monica: The Latin, Father!
Dougal: Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eh... totus tuus minimus canis Costacurta Baggio Roberto...
- Ted returns after having phoned Dr. Sinnott:
Ted: Right, well, it looks bad, all right. I called Dr. Sinnott, I gave him the symptoms over the phone, and he said he's probably dead, all right. The pulse not being there is, er, bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.
Dougal: That happened to my uncle, and he was fine afterwards!
Ted: His heart stopped? For how long?
Dougal: Eh... a week.
Ted: (sceptical) A week? Really? And he was fine afterwards?
Dougal: ... actually no, now I think of it, er, he died.
- At Jack's funeral reception, Sister Monica is talking with a black priest, telling him how highly she thinks of the work being done in Africa. The priest responds "Sure I wouldn't know. I'm from Donegal!" in a thick Donegal accent.
- Solicitor Laura Sweeney drops by to discuss Jack's will with the other two priests. Ted and Dougal inevitably do not believe a woman can be a solicitor, leading to a great Gilligan Cut:
Dougal: If you're a solicitor, then I'm Boy George!
(cut to the crypt where Jack's coffin is being kept)
Dougal: (singing to himself) "Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon..."
- We get to see a flashback of Father Jack's time as a teacher. He sets a bin on fire and tells a class of schoolboys "Ye'll all burn in hell!" According to Ted, Father Jack preferred the traditional methods.
- And to cap it all off, it seems Jack is Not Quite Dead...
[Dougal is asleep on the floor beside Jack's coffin, while Ted looks out a window]
Ted: It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight.
[scene fades to stock footage of snow on trees]
Ted: It's probably snowing all over the island, on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and the headstones, upon all the living and the dead...
[snow footage fades out to show Jack standing beside his coffin!]
Jack: SHUT THE FECK UP!
[Ted turns, sees Jack and faints, waking Dougal]
Dougal: [looks down at Ted lying on the floor] Ted! What's wrong? [turns to Jack] Father Jack, did you see what happened? [turns back to Ted] Ted? [turns back to Jack] What happened, Father Jack? Wha... [the penny finally drops, and he faints as well] Ooooo!
- Ted and Dougal's first scene features a series of hilarious Cloudcuckoolander moments from Dougal:
Ted: (tears page off calendar) July 19... why does that strike me as important?
Dougal: (catching a fish in his Magnetic Fish Pond game) Yes! Er... July 19... I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks.
Ted: (outraged) ... I'M SORRY!?
Dougal: I said, "I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks."
Ted: (marches over to Dougal) Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal?
Dougal: I have, yeah, Ted, you big gobshite.
Ted: Yes, well that's all very well, but you have to remember, they're just stories! Normal people like us don't use that type of language! Remember, this is the real world!
Dougal: Oho, you're right there, Ted.
Ted: Anyway, any idea why July 19 should be so important?
Dougal: Would that be the day the Ice Age ended?
Ted: (shakes his head in exasperation) NO, Dougal. They can't be that precise about the Ice Age.
Dougal: I'll look it up in the diary. (picks up diary from nearby shelf and turns through the pages; Ted picks up one of the fishing rods from Magnetic Fish Pond) July 19. "On this day: Galway liberated from Indians." Er, "Marathon becomes Snickers..."note (triumphantly) Aha, Ted, "Ice Age ends!" (Ted angrily throws the fishing rod into the cardboard "pond")
- Later in the scene, we get a great Cloudcuckoolander moment from Mrs. Doyle:
Mrs. Doyle: And speaking of cake... (picks up tin labelled "CAKES" and opens it) I have cake!
Ted: I'm fine for cake, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs. Doyle: Are you sure, Father? (smiles) There's cocaine in it!
Ted: (blinks in utter disbelief) There's WHAT!?
Mrs. Doyle: (thinks, then laughs) Oh no, not cocaine, what am I on about? No, I meant, erm, what do you call them... raisins.
- The episode has one of the funniest Father Jack scenes in the whole show.
(having arrived in their tiny caravan, the priests are deciding what to do next)
Ted: Father Jack, do you have any preferences?
Ted: Yes, we're on holiday. Would you like to go anywhere?
Ted: Would you like to go somewhere?
Jack: WHO'RE YOU?
Ted: I was just asking, would you like to go somewhere now that we're here? Would you like to go for a lovely walk?
Jack: I LIKE CAKE!
Ted: Yes, I, er... (to Dougal) I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now.
Jack: WHERE AM I? WHAT'S THAT THING THERE? ARE THOSE MY FEET? (lifts his legs and looks at his feet)
Ted: (to Dougal) God, let's just get him to sleep and we'll head off ourselves. (aloud) Okay Father, into your box! (picks up a small cardboard box with a night sky painted on it and puts it upside-down over Jack's head)
Jack: DRINK! ARSE! GIRLS! (as the box goes over his head, he immediately falls asleep and begins snoring loudly)
- The most frequently referenced scene in the whole of Father Ted: Perspective for Dummies.
Ted: One last time. (picks up two toy cows) These are small, but the ones out there are far away. (Dougal looks confused; Ted holds up the toy cows again) SMALL... (looks out of window) FAR AWAY. (Dougal still doesn't get it; he shakes his head) Ah, forget it! (throws the cows down in anger)
- With Jack napping beneath the leaking roof, Ted and Dougal move him out of the way and Jack suddenly wakes up and screams "I'M A HAPPY CAMPER!!" and then instantly goes back to sleep. The leak stops and a new leak forms over where Jack has been moved to in a sudden downpour: the very sight of the sleeping Jack being drenched by the downward gush of rainwater is pure comedic gold.
- Ted's perfectionism in getting a dent out of a car they were sent to raffle off ends up destroying it. He's unusually calm surveying the damage and concluding that they can't use it in the raffle, then cut to an exterior shot that night...
- Father Billy O'Dwyer, the priest Ted hires to DJ at the fundraising event, has brought only one record with him.
Ted: So let me just thank you all now for coming along, and ask you to stand for our national anthem.
(Cue "Ghost Town" by The Specials)
- Jack trashing the prize car (Ted surveys the front while Dougal surveys the back, and both agree the damage isn't too bad... until Ted sees that Dougal's idea of "not too bad" involves the boot being compressed to half its length), especially Ted asking him if he has been drinking (when is Jack not thoroughly trashed?) and Jack having to look at the liquor bottle in his hand before answering "YES!!"
- Ted tries to teach Father Jack to say "Yes" and "That would be an ecumenical matter" using an easel with the phrases written on placards. Jack actually manages to say "That" and is attempting to say "would" but gives up and screams "DRINK!"; Ted, who has become steadily more angry with Jack's inability to say anything other than "DRINK", knocks over the easel in a rage.
- We learn that Jack can identify alcohol from the sound of bottles clinking together alone.
Ted: No, father. It's just fizzy water.
Jack: JACOB'S CREEK CHARDONNAY 1991!
- Ted and Dougal's creative process gets off to a shaky start:
Ted: What'll we write it about?
Dougal: How about... (smiles) a lovely horse.
Ted: (thinks, then nods) Okay. We'll call it (writing) "'My Lovely Horse'... by Father Ted Crilly." (sets pad aside)
Dougal: And, eh, Father Dougal Maguire.
Ted: (sighs, picks up pad, and writes) "And... Father Dougal Maguire." (sets pad aside again) Right, here we go. Erm, will we do the lyrics first, or will we do the music?
Dougal: Let's do the lyrics, and then we can, er, fit the tune around it.
Ted: Right, here we go!
(long pause as Ted and Dougal try unsuccessfully to think of lyrics)
Dougal: Maybe we should do the music first.
Ted: Right, here we go! (strums a single A minor chord on his guitar)
Dougal: ... I like that!
Ted: Was that all right?
Dougal: Yeah, it was a bit sad.
Ted: (smiles) Good. Good then. I'll write it down. Erm, I think it was, erm, an A minor. (picks up pad and writes)
Dougal: (suddenly inspired) I think- I think- I think I have a lyric!
Ted: Right! Lyrics! Go ahead there Dougal! (holds pad and pencil at the ready)
Dougal: What's it called again?
Ted: ... "My Lovely Horse".
Dougal: Right. How about this. Erm, "My lovely horse, I want to hold you so tight, I want to rub my fingers through your tail and... love you all night."
Ted: (shakes his head) Dougal, Dougal, stop there. We want to keep out of the whole area of actually being in love with the horse.
Dougal: Ohh right, right.
Ted: It's more that we want to be friends with the horse, that we want to jump around with it, and just have a good laugh with it.
Dougal: Right. What about something like, "Take this lump of sugar, baby, you know you want it!" That'd be somethin' like those rap fellas'd write.
Ted: You can forget about them, Dougal, you can forget about Icey Tea and Scoopy Scoopy Dog Dog.
- Eventually, the songwriting session deteriorates, leading to an epic Cluster F-Bomb from Ted.
(the priests' bedroom is littered with empty beer cans; a cloud of cigarette smoke hangs in the air)
Ted: Just play the (bleep)ing note.
Dougal: The first one?
Ted: NO, NOT THE (bleep)ING FIRST ONE! THE (bleep)ING FIRST ONE'S ALREADY (bleep)ING DOWN! JUST PLAY THE (bleep)ING NOTE YOU WERE (bleep)ING PLAYING EARLIER! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THE (bleep)ING FIRST ONE! WE HAVE THE (bleep)ING FIRST ONE! (kicks aside some empty beer cans)
Dougal: (rattled) So, I-
Ted: JUST PLAY THE (bleep)ING NOTE YOU WERE JUST (bleep)ING PLAYING THERE! THE (bleep)ING NOTE YOU WERE JUST (bleep)ING DOING! PLAY THE (bleep)ING NOTE! (throws his guitar down and stomps off)
- Finally, the song is ready for its first performance in front of an audience of Jack and Mrs. Doyle. Not only are Ted and Dougal not in tune with each other, but the melody consists of a single repeated note except for the last note of each line - which requires an awkward pause while Ted moves his fingers for the chord change.
(Dougal switches on a tinny rhythm track on a cheap keyboard)
Ted, Dougal: (singing as Ted plays guitar, in time with neither the rhythm track nor each other)
My lovely horse running through the (short pause as Ted changes chord) FIELD
Where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the (pause for chord change) WIND
I want to shower you with sugar lumps and ride you over (pause for chord change) FENCES
I want to polish your hooves every single day and bring you to the horse (pause for chord change) DENTIST
My lovely horse you're a pony no (pause for chord change) MORE
Running around with a man on your back, like a train in the night
Ted: (interrupts) Wait, wait, I can do this bit. (sings) Like a train in the (clumsily strums the A minor chord from earlier) NIGHT. (sets his guitar down) Well... what do you think in general?
(Mrs. Doyle buries her face in her hands, while Jack draws a Sawed-Off Shotgun and shoots Ted's guitar)
Ted: ... right.
- "We have to lose that sax solo!"
- When they realise the "obscure B-side" by Nin Huguen and the Huguenotes from which they have plagiarised the replacement music for "My Lovely Horse" is actually well known (to the point that it is playing in the lift at the television studio), Ted and Dougal are forced to perform the song with the original "melody" in the "Song for Ireland" contest. The results are as hilarious as you'd expect, with the pauses for the chord changes now over a second long, and Ted and Dougal more out of tune and out of time with each other than ever.
- In the retrospective documentary, the songwriter performs the song and can't help but roll his eyes at the lyrics as he sings.
- In the pre-credits teaser, Ted and Dougal settle down to watch their favourite sitcom: Father Ben, an exaggerated in-universe equivalent of Father Ted. Dougal chuckles over what an idiot Father Brendan is as he watches him walk into the room with his shorts on his head, and Ted says he knows someone just like that thicko Father Bennote ... neither noticing how much those characters are just like the two of them.
- Dougal is naming his new rabbit, but Ted has told him it cannot be "Ted" or "Mrs. Doyle". He eventually settles on naming it "Father Jack" - which inevitably causes the (human) Father Jack to keep responding to the use of his name.
Dougal: I think Father Jack wants a drink.
Jack: (excited) DRINK! DRINK!
Ted: Maybe we could give him water.
Jack: WATER? FECK!
Ted: (shakes head) Dougal, this is getting far too confusing.
Dougal: Ah, Ted, I've got used to calling him Father Jack. Could we not call Father Jack something else?
Ted: (sarcastically) Great, what do we call him? Er... Flipper! Flipper the Priest.
- Father Jack sees the rabbits that have infested the parochial house.
Jack: (to Ted) HEY, HEY, HEY YOU!
Ted: Yes, Father?
Jack: (gestures to the rabbits and stammers for a moment) ... RATS!
Ted: Yes, Father, we can see them as well.
Jack: HAIRY JAPANESE BASTARDS!
- Dougal's choice of hiding place for the rabbits is, of course, the spare bedroom in which Bishop Brennan (who is terrified of rabbits) will be sleeping during his latest visit. Ted desperately tries to keep the bishop out of the room with an inane speech congratulating him on becoming a bishop, and when that doesn't work, he runs to the top of the stairs and throws himself down them.
- Ted's final scheme to keep the bishop out of the room involves claiming to need to use the only working toilet in the house. He rushes into the room, closes the door, and sees that the rabbits have vanished. He then re-emerges, pretending to have just relieved himself, and the bishop pushes him aside and enters the room - and realises there is no toilet in there.
- Ted's advice to Dougal for how to behave around women includes the classic "Never be yourself! That's just a thing people say!"
- During the Lovely Girls contest, Jack (with his hair grown extremely long and a bizarre beard) is mistaken for Bob Geldof.
Jack: FECK OFF!
Local: 'tis himself alright.
Female Admirer: Did you really knock Michael Hutchence unconscious?
Jack: I BATTERED HIM!
- When Dougal invites Straw Feminist singer Niamh Connolly into the house, they sit in the front room in awkward silence until Dougal asks "How's your bra?"
- Ted, while judging the Lovely Girls contest, notes that one of the contestants has a lovely bottom. His fellow judge tells him to be careful in case he offends some of the girls. Ted's response? "Of course, they all have lovely bottoms!"
- Ted decides that Jack should give up drinking for Lent. Jack is not sold on the idea:
Mrs. Doyle: Who wants their afternoon drink? (holds out a bottle of whiskey)
Jack: DRINK? OHHH YES!
Ted: No. (grabs the bottle)
Ted: (drops the bottle in a plastic basket) No Father, it's Lent, remember, you said you'd give it up for a couple of days.
Ted: D'you not remember? You said you'd offer it up for Our Lord.
Jack: ARNOLD? WHO'S ARNOLD?
Ted: No, Our Lord. I suppose... I made your vow for you, but I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Ted: It's a very special time of the year for all of us.
Jack: DRINK! DRINK! (rummages in a box next to his chair)
Ted: Won't find any there, Father, I've put them somewhere very safe.
(shot of a cave high in the Cliffs of Moher; Jack's booze collection is inside)
Ted: Don't sulk, Father.
(Jack folds his arms, turns to one side, and holds his head up with his eyes closed)
- Needless to say, it takes mere minutes of abstension before the three priests begin suffering massive withdrawal symptoms. Ted hallucinating Dougal as a giant cigarette and Jack hallucinating Ted as a giant pint of Guinness? Funny. Dougal hallucinating Ted as a giant rollerblade? Hysterical.
- Later, Jack sobers up for the first time in twelve years:
(Jack convulses while making gurgling noises)
Dougal: What's up with him, Ted? (Jack suddenly stops gurgling and sits bolt upright)
Ted: It looks like the last of the alcohol has left his system. I think he might actually be sober. (to Jack) Is that it, Father? Are you seeing things as they really are at last?
Jack: OH MY GOD! (puts a hand to his forehead and grimaces)
Ted: Yes, that's it all right. I suppose sobriety for Father Jack must be sort of like taking some mad hallucinogenic.
Jack: WHERE ARE THE OTHER TWO?
Ted: (confused) The other two- (realises, smiles) Ah, I see, the old vision's back to normal. No, there's just the two of us, Father.
Jack: AND WHAT DO YOU TWO DO, THEN?
Ted: ... we're priests.
Jack: WHAT? PRIESTS!? (despairing) DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND! (gets up unsteadily and walks toward the window)
Ted: Well... well yes, yes, Father... how do you feel? It must be great to be sober, every once in a while... or even... every twelve years...
Jack: (points to a...) CHAIR!
Ted: (chuckles) Well done, Father!
Jack: (walks to the window and gestures to the...) CURTAINS!
Ted: Yes, that's right!
Jack: FLOOR! (points to it and beams with pride)
Ted: All coming back to you, is it, Father?
Jack: (points at Ted, smiling ear to ear) GOBSHITE! (Ted's smile vanishes) YES! I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER!
- When Ted decides he, Dougal, and Jack need help keeping their Lenten vows, he phones for help from an order of nuns. The "hold music" is a nun who simply sings Franz Schubert's "Ave Maria" repeatedly as an oil painting of Matty Hislop (whom Ted holds up as an exemplar of self-restraint after giving up alcohol) sticking his hand into a toaster hangs over her desk.
- For someone who doesn't like thinking about sex, Mrs Doyle does seem to think about it a lot:
Mrs Doyle: Oh, I don't want it to be any fun at all, Father. I want a good miserable time. Keep me on the straight and narrow. I met a couple there last year, it did them the world of good. They were a bit obsessed with the old s-e-x. God, I'm glad I never think of that type of thing, that whole sexual world. God, when you think of it, it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it? Can you imagine, Father? Looking up at your husband and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. God Almighty, can you imagine that, Father? Can you picture it, Father? Get a good mental picture. Can you see him there, ready to do the business?
- It doesn't help that throughout this scene, Ted is holding a sausage on a fork which he occasionally glances back at.
- Jack's shell-shocked look when Ted informs him his case of hairy hands means he will have to stay "up in Jurassic Park." Followed by an attempt to escape on a riding lawnmower.
- Father Jack's replacement is Father Fintan Stack, whose behavior is as un-priest-like as possible. This includes drilling holes into the walls of the house for no reason, blaring jungle music at 3 am among other things.
- Mrs Doyle saying "Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on..." every time she offers someone a cup of tea? Funny. Mrs. Doyle holding up several dozen cue cards all reading "Go on" when offering a cup of tea to Father Fintan Stack while he has cranked his stereo full volume? Hilarious.
- Ted and Dougal searching for Jack at St. Clobbert's home for retired priests. Dougal switches on the light in the sitting room - and he and Ted learn the hard way that every single priest there has Jack's No Indoor Voice catchphrases, as they all begin bellowing, "DRINK! FECK! ARSE! GIRLS!" When one of the nuns on the staff runs over to see what the noise is, Ted and Dougal "disguise" themselves by finding some empty space on a sofa and joining in the chorus of "DRINK! FECK! ARSE! GIRLS!" - Dougal, naturally, continues shouting even after the lights are switched off again.
- Ted and Dougal return to St. Clobbert's with a torch to shine in the faces of the residents so they can identify Jack. Each one screams one of Jack's four signature catchphrases - with one exception...
Posh Priest: I really shouldn't be here!
- As the passengers discuss who should be given the two parachutes to escape the possibly doomed aircraft, Father Jack sneaks away with both of them. One for himself... and one for the drinks trolley. In The Stinger, we see both of the parachutes are caught in a tree, with the drinks trolley just out of a despairing Jack's reach.
- Just before Ted journeys onto the wheel of the plane to attempt to fix the fuel line, Ted and the captain engage in some dramatic dialogue, ending in a badass "Facing the Bullets" One-Liner from the priest...until Dougal ruins the mood entirely.
Pilot: Father Crilly?
Ted: Yes, captain?
Pilot: I'm not a captain.
Ted: Well I'm not a fellow who goes climbing around the outside of planes...but I think considering the circumstances, we can be whatever we want right now.
Dougal: Can I still be a priest?
- Ted, who is usually terrified of flying, has been calmed down enough by the gravity of the plane's mechanical problems to climb onto the wheel and use the souvenir tape dispenser to repair the fuel line. Once the emergency is over, he suddenly realises where he is and screams "AAAAAAARGH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEEL!" At the end of the episode, he is back at the parochial house... still clinging to the wheel in abject terror.
- The best moment has to be the three guessing as to what is behind the next window on the advent calendar:
Dougal: God, I can't wait to see what's behind tomorrow's window. I bet it's, it's, a donkey or something.
Ted: Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. (to Jack) What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
Jack: A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS!
Ted: Who knows...
Ted: Yes, Father-
Jack: WOMEN'S KNICKERS!
- The treatment of the escape from the lingerie department as soldiers escaping from behind enemy lines (including the inevitable "Go on without me, I'll only slow you down!"/"No! No-one gets left behind!" moment). Serious Business at its absolute finest.
- When Father Ted leaves the parochial house for a few minutes to contemplate his future, he returns to find Mrs. Doyle has sent Dougal in his place to officiate at a funeral. Ted screams, "YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL?!" Cut to the funeral, where the hearse is in the grave. And on fire.
- When Ted goes for his walk, he fantasizes the rest of the cast mocking him in his head. Except for Dougal, who just looks confused and turns away.
- The fact that the ad for the Priest Chatback hotline is essentially done in the style of a gay hotline.
- We learn in this episode that Father Jack can tell how far he is from drink without opening his eyes.
[Father Todd Unctuous opens his hip flask]
[Todd moves towards Jack, who is asleep]
Jack: Drink...drink..drink..DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
[Todd moves his hip flask away from Jack]
Jack: DRINK! Drink..drink...drink....drink...
"Are You Right There, Father Ted?" Series 3 opens with Mistaken for Racist at its funniest.
- At the beginning of the episode, Ted is somehow reinstated to active church work in Dublin and Paris... yet buggers it up again. As before, "The money was just resting in my account!" is not accepted as a defence.
- Far from condemning Ted's apparent racism, some of the Craggy Islanders are congratulating him on it.
Colm: Hello there, Father!
Ted: Ah, hello Colm! Out and about? (chuckles)
Colm: Aha. Same as yourself.
Ted: Good, good!
Colm: I hear you're a racist now, Father?
Ted: (horrified) ...wha- what?
Colm: How'd you get interested in that type of thing?
Ted: Who said I'm a racist?
Colm: Everyone's saying it, Father. Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the Church has taken on this?
Ted: No! No-
Colm: Only the farm takes up most of the day, and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself full time to the old racism.
Mrs. Carberry: Good for you, Father!
Ted: What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry!
Mrs. Carberry: Good for you, Father! Glad someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking and our jobs and our women and acting like the own the feckin' place! Well done Father! Good for you! Good for you! I'd like to feckin'... (slides on the muddy ground, miming beating someone with her shopping bags) Feckin' Greeks!
Colm: It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after.
Ted: I'M NOT AFTER THE CHINESE!
Mrs. Carberry: I don't care who he gets as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness!
Ted: Look, we are not having a go at anybody! I am not a racist, alright?! God! (storms off)
Mrs. Carberry: FECKIN' GREEKS!
Colm: (walks up to her) How's Mary?
Mrs. Carberry: (happily) She's fine. She got that job after all.
- Ted's attempt to make peace with the Chinese community at Vaughan's pub hits a few bumps:
Ted: I'm not a Fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink! (everyone cheers)
- Ted sends Sean Yin a year's supply of whiskey. Unfortunately, Jack got into the crate before it could be sent. Cue Jack emerging from the crate dressed in an SS uniform, whereupon he steals a sandwich from Yin's son and staggers out.
- Dougal's description of the sheep-eating beast ends with the hilarious (and completely improvised) "...and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"
- Fargo Boyle's Villainous Breakdown at the end stands out, begging Chris (a sheep) not to look at him.
Graham Linehan, in the audience: Fucking hell!
- This isn't even after the audience have time to recover from the one of the show's only uncensored instances of the word "fuck", making it all the more funny.
- Pat Mustard. Everything about him. Especially the sign on his van that says 'Shit Happens'. Especially when his van blows up at the end and the only thing left is the sign.
- A great example of Innocent Innuendo from Mrs. Doyle:
Mrs. Doyle: Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box!
Ted: What!? How dare you-
Pat: (produces a truly enormous spanner) Just too big for the milk float.
- During the scene with Ted and Dougal spying on Pat, Dougal turns up the volume on the sound amplifier in order to be able hear what Pat and one of the ladies are saying. A truck goes zooming past him two seconds later, and the resulting noise knocks him unconscious.
- When Ted shows Pat Mustard's boss, Mr. Fox, the photos he took of Pat's dalliances with the local housewives, Mr. Fox assumes he is trying to sell him dirty pictures and makes him an offer. After Ted sets him straight and Mr. Fox discusses the difficult situation Pat's sacking puts him in, Mrs. Doyle sneaks over to the table and steals one of the photos.
- The scene of Dougal setting out on his first day as a milkman is played as though he is a child on his way to his first day at school, with Ted fussing over him, wrapping a scarf around his neck, reminding him to drive on the left, and spit-wiping dirt off his face, then weeping as he watches the milk float leave the parochial house while Mr. Fox assures Ted that Dougal will be just fine.
- Dougal is sent on his way the warning, "Better get going - milk gets sour, you know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite."
- Father Jack takes a (very short-lived) shine to the brick Mrs. Doyle has put in the middle of the floor.
Ted: (getting up after tripping over the brick yet again) What's going on?
Mrs. Doyle: Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him - he doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground.
Jack: I LOVE MY BRICK!
Ted: (beaming) Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing another side to Father Jack. A more caring, considerate- (gets hit in the head with the brick)
Jack: AH, FECK IT! FED UP WITH BRICK!
- The various housewives to whom Dougal delivers milk strip off in anticipation of an encounter with Pat Mustard, and are horrified to discover that their new milkman is one of the village priests. Dougal, of course, does not notice their nudity. At least, not until it finally sinks in at the end of the episode and he sits up in bed shouting "Those women were in the nip!"
- The big pile of boxes in the middle of the road. Everything about that scene. The sheer absurdity of having the pile of boxes there to begin with, Ted not just moving the boxes out of the way, but putting them in the very same pyramid configuration on the other side of the road - and still having enough time to get them out of the way before Dougal hits them, Dougal's expression of utter delight when he realises he isn't going to hit the boxes, Ted getting in his car and ploughing straight through the boxes... all backed by ridiculously tense music.
- Ted's brainstorming session with Barren Island priests Father Beeching and Father Clarkenote . Their first plan is to conduct Mass for Dougal alongside the "speeding" milkfloat, and during the brainstorming session the best they can produce is another Mass. They try watching The Poseidon Adventure since Gene Hackman's character in the film was a priest, but are disappointed to find he doesn't even say Mass.
- Then Ted trips over the brick again - and draws what looks like a complicated diagram on the chalkboard before a shift in camera angle reveals that he has simply written "WE PUT THE BRICK ON THE ACCELERATOR"◊. A plan which almost fails when Dougal, before stepping off the milk float, picks up the brick and shouts "Ted, you forgot your brick!"
- After Pat Mustard reveals over the phone to Ted that he's put a speed-activated bomb on the milk van Dougal is driving, he begins to laugh evilly. Ted rushes off to find Dougal, while Pat is left laughing on the other end of the line. We cut back to the phone later, and Pat is still laughing. Jack even picks up the phone at one point, with an expression of utter confusion, only to put it down as Ted did. Pat spends so much time in the phone booth, gloating, that by the time he finishes laughing, Dougal has escaped from the wired van, which is now driving towards the phone booth. Cue a massive explosion that can be heard from the Arctic, to the confusion of a man ice-fishing.
- At the end of the episode, Ted is putting out the rubbish in the middle of the night, and then hears a noise and looks up. He is promptly hit on the head by the brick, which had been launched into orbit by the explosion and now returned to earth.
- Father Noel Furlong's solo performance of "Bohemian Rhapsody".
- "Let's have a screeching competition! I'll go first! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
- Father Noel's bizarre fantasy scenario of the group trapped in the cave having to eat each other, as in Alive, culminating in him pretending he is eating Tony, a member of his youth group, while he is still alive.
Father Noel: Look! Here's me eating Tony! Tony's going, "No, get off me, I'm not dead yet!" I'd be going, "But I'm hungry, Tony!"
- Jack gets into a pub after a day of having his specs stolen, wandering into an Alcoholics Anonymous group and deprived of a single drink. An AA member sees him about to have a glass and runs in to toss it away.
- The optician scene.
- Ted's first attempt at kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse. As he's running up to deliver the kick, Father Jessop sees him and Ted shifts gears and jumps out the window.
- The bizarre geography of Craggy Island knows no bounds:
Mrs. Doyle: Your Grace, Father Crilly, I've just heard they've taken the roads in!
Brennan: They've taken the roads in!?
Ted: Yes, when the weather is bad they store them in a warehouse on the east side of the island.
- The exchange between Father Jessop, Bishop Brennan and Father Jack:
Brennan: Aha! The Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you Father Hackett?
Jack: ARSE BISCUITS!
Jessop: What?! How dare you speak to His Grace like that! Apologize immediately! (Ted winces)
Jack: (most sarcastic voice possible) I'm so... so... sorry! (makes rabbit noises)
- The very crude watercolor painting of a man in a bishop's hat.
- After Ted kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse and sends him on his way to Rome, he gets absolutely stinking drunk, and tells Dougal he wants two hundred copies of the photograph he took of the act. Father Jack walks into the room during this speech; Ted turns to him and screams, "FECK OFF!" - and for once, it is Jack who flees in terror.
- Bishop Brennan is so shocked by the experience of being kicked up the arse by Ted that it isn't until the next day, during his audience in Rome with the Pope, that he finally processes what has happened and bellows, "HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE!!!" before shoving the Pope out of the way and jumping on the first flight back to Ireland.
- Bishop Brennan's return to the Craggy Island parochial house just screams◊ Incoming Ham.
- The ending where Bishop Brennan kicks Ted up the arse sending him flying several feet through the air.
- The Stinger at the end of the episode:
Jessop: (still locked in Jack's dirty underwear hamper) I'm really... enjoying this.
- When all the old ladies are crowding around the house to get a glimpse of crooner Eoin McLove in a Zombie Apocalypse parody, they have punched through the front door and grabbed him while Ted, Dougal, and McLove's manager are trying to break their grip on him. Jack, meanwhile... fetches a chair and a drink and sits back to watch.
- In the next scene, Father Jack assumes the role of the grizzled, world-weary veteran of zombie encounters and delivers a dramatic speech... all while speaking at his usual No Indoor Voice volume.
Father Jack: THEY LIE IN WAIT LIKE WOLVES. THE SMELL OF BLOOD IN THEIR NOSTRILS. WAITING. INTERMINABLY WAITING. AND THEN!...
Dougal: ... He's right Ted.
- The Reveal as to why Eoin McLove is such a Jerkass, in comparison with his on-screen persona?
Eoin: I've no willy!