I can tell I'm beginning to like Alejandro: he's brave and dapper and NOT DRUNK! And I loved his junk in high school, he's like a big, Swiss, hand rapist.
will.i.am also gets some funny moments. "Me and my crew, we love ping-pong and paintball all night, all night. In the morning, we can't stop 'till they think I'm a pink bunny!"
And The Stinger: "Lucy got a secret show cat." "MEAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
There's something to be said for Bruno Mars doing that sideways-strut in Cool Shades going "Mirror, mirror, on my floor, am I the prettiest at the store?"
"Tonight, after wine, I'ma knock you in the head and then... GRANDE TACOOOOOOOOOOO! (Knock that out.)"
"If I had a furry pet monkey right here [monkey appears on Jay-Z's shoulder for a split second], I'd take him out to Shady Pine and get a cold beer."
The ridiculously happy look on Jay-Z's face as he says, "Who wants to see me give a rock to a fish?" Also, the fact that the song has Jay-Z, who has spent most of his life trying to have a badass image, say "Whoopsie-Daisy!"
"Is this Idaho? Because I will not limbo in Idaho."
Michael Bublé cites the Toilet Humor moments in "Russian Unicorn" among his personal CMoFs, like the point where he holds a note being reinterpreted as a bowel movement, and the moment where he sees the girl from his Imagine Spot for real being turned into a different sort of revelation.
"Yeah, she did it."
That girl is also his wife; the song is even funnier when you know that.
"Beard With Glue": "Quit sneaking off and punching little orphaned Brazilians".
"'Coz I'll shave a beard with glue"
Kimbra's comment to Gotye: "Ghetto lady thinks your froggy's name is Lou McGopher."
The way Gotye closes his eyes in shame after she asks him "Who really thinks you have a Waldo sack?"
All of "It's Time To Rock", but standout lines are:
"Maybe it's just me, but I hate mixtapes."
"So, I ate a big rock, and don't think I'm a hog, but chicken smeared with funyuns, s**t really tastes good! I mean, I just ate some and it tasted so- *BURP* *wink*
Picking out the least flattering-looking frames to enforce the stoner image (these are mostly in the latter half of the vid) is one thing, but the additional smoke effects even match the lip flaps so you'd swear they were exhaling it.
"I said, 'Son, I don't wanna hear you say bad about your mama.' And then he said... "F**k prison! I'm a party rapper, that's how I am! *applause*"
EHAHAH! Happy step-child.
"And now you got me whispering to a freak who thinks that fish have menstrual cycles."
"Yo' momma's pudgy. Face it."
"Yo momma can eat me."
At the end of the "More Mitt" video: "That girl's a bitch." (walks away)
"Are you a rapist?"
"I'd like to get a monkey because I ate Fifi!"
"And now they have murder in the Spice Building. You gotta ask a black boy, "Who did it?""
"I butcher a deer. Every weekday, waiting for pappy."
Rick Perry: "Some do the Olympics, and some defy the titans. Ice cream."
"Phew, that movie sucked! The whole script was wrong, and Seth Rogen, well, he had to serve a big red duck! Man, he'd scalp a sentimental cripple! What a douche!"
"Someone had a Grade-A lungfish decorate their home for a married fools function!"
During the applause after one speech:
Thank you. I wrote that.
Ron Paul: "HOO-HAH CHERRY SODA!"
And that bell that refuses to ring when it should. "Free bananas! ... Ah well, never mind..."
Everything's blue, baby. Quick, I want you to hide me!"
"Everyone wants to do it and not think about the bad feces pudding."
"I-I-I didn't run away... I got a sandwich. And you'd love it! If... uh, I'm Ron Paul!"
"What if the world said 'nyah nyah nyah nyah', like a parrot, or if a baby got two, uh... two knick-knacks up her sleeve and screamed 'mahalo'?"
"You can give me money, and I'll go make the zoo!"
"At noon on Wednesday, I'm gonna be leaving a watermelon-pineapple treasure inside of Liam Neeson. He's the one with cooked fish allergies."
"Let's all pour lotion on the person who thinks I'm an ass. We should — we should take their wig off."
"I will ride the lightning. It happened to my kitty, and Elvis was part of it."
"Life is murder, and you're forced to fight the war. You're a pony, and you want this cookie, and yet you can't think straight. Bring on the steamed croutons."
"The hardest part is to shoot Ramone. I know it."
"Dude said, 'Have some brewskis!' And I'm freakin', 'Those are awesome! More like it!'"
"Give me Vaseline for when I'm having these boring x-rays!"
Herman Cain: "It's just crazy, y'know? We ain't ever have this. An old rotten eeeagle's nest. Nachos and hog-wash! This is my juice! And I'm hungry! McDonald's Special! Gimmie a large plate! Then I'll sing, sing, sing about it!"
"Pouty people and whiny people, friends, SHUT YO ASS UP OR I'M GOIN' BACK TO SLEEP." *applause*
"If you like, let's watch Disney. It's like a time void, and will probably result in you thinkin' you an angel."
"Watch out for them spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiders. And big potato moths! Big potato moths. (beat) Achoo!"
[counting on his fingers] "1, 2, 3, 4 — [holds up hand] — dat's five!"
[long silence, looks up into the camera] "Ricky?"
"Cowboys and anthrax!"
"Mexican people don't eat sugar, especially not if it's a mix of lice and tiger DNA."
"I'm gonna teach you an expression: I QUIT."
Rick Santorum, throwing a football: "Get the Pop Tart!"
"The big fat chick stunk. Like... beef. And candy depression. And gum and stuff. And if I see her sick... mmmmmmaybe I'm embarrassed."
"Hey, if you fancy this cow, make it now, 'cause he wants for you all to frost his lemonhead. And the lousy stiff hunts and fluffs and stinks like pee and now he's mayor of a bank!"
"Nobody ever gets caramel hands. 'Coz caramel hands are for terror. They're crazy lunch digits! You better not eat any. You bet I will! You potato brains!"
President Obama flat-out asks Mitt Romney "Why are you such an asshole?" during the second presidential debate.
From the first: "In... horrible weather, I sneeze and I just lose the puppets."
Not to mention Obama's insistence that Romney is black.
"Now Matt, shush, because the sofa bears don't know."
"Ahh, but if you throw up, then it's as as a jealous woman."
"Ahmed, how did you know about whodunnit in the lounge?" "...I didn't know." "Oh, you didn't? Oh, well they started clapping! For the mad cow! Until someone SOLD HIM. And then when he died, they had him stuffed. Like that water buffalo. Stuffed."
"The hot tub is cool now" "But they poisoned it." "I know, right?"
Paul Ryan: "I walked into a Starbucks building, and everyone started collapsing. I went to Steve-O and he said 'Okay,' he slipped into the future. He said, 'Ask about the special. 'Cause it's donut day.'"
"You ever have a buttcheek problem in the morning? And you're going to vomit?"
"Highlights from the 2012 debates": "According to Mufasa, there was a lot of seaweed and that was why 11 chickens kept burping." "Get your facts straight! There was only 1 chicken! You were supposed to graduate!"
"Hey, if you fancy this cow, make it now!"
"Damnit, who ordered the bacon-crusted rooolls?"
"Listen Amy, poor people can suck it!" Straight from the mouth of Joe Biden.
Amy being turned on by Paul Ryan.
Barack Obama taking the oath of office: "I'm proud to say Yo Momma took a Cosby sweater. Elvis Presley had sex appeal. I'll do the spaceman boogie. I'll brush on my sassy face. There's two different Einsteins. I enjoy makeup."
"Our foes in the walkways... are crab guys, but they don't have meat. They sound weird but we're sure they're not black."
"Now please let's all go walking down this road wearing our backwards pants."
"Touch the sky and colourful bears will take you for the jump"
"Romance is deception. Romance is a... parody. It's how we get you cuddly and naughty, naughty, and not questioning men more than a two-night's window." Easily the deepest statement from a BLR.
"Tonight, I'm partying more faster."
"Trick The Bridesmaid": "'Cause even long-legged women can't tell there's a blue-eyed hobbit, and I'm a witness for them."
"That's why the thick Spartan women are so important. There was a black Marge Simpson in the house. She poured black paint over both my posters and went to the office to leave a photo. Crazy women before this airhead always would cut me with an iPhone. She was crazy. So damaged. So sick."
"'Go to hell', you say. Bitch, just zip it!"
The sugar fountain fairy story.
And tell her I'll break a tree root up in her shrimp.
Movies, TV etc.
From the Hunger Games,
Katniss: I'M THE QUEEN!
As well as:
Katniss: You... stink! mmmmyaaaaaahhh!
Clove: Yay, a goat!
HE BARFED ON THE SAILOR LIKE A PIG! AND THE POLICE ATE TIMOTHY!
"Face it, you're the devil!"
"You're too excitable!"
Cinna: Drank. Haymitch: He is so right.
"Do something fruity!" "No thank you!"
Haymitch: (To Peta) "Hey, Joe—Wait, who's Joe?"
Katniss: "Oh, wait, wait, you're not Joe? I thought he was Joe?"
Haymitch: "He's CODFISH JOE!"
From "THE NFL":
Interviewer: How are you feeling? Adrian Peterson: [exhausted] Egg roll. I wish I had a breeze runnin' down my leg. I'd kill for a cookie. Stingray, a double-sided Scooby Snack. Yeah, we pick our hotel.
"An orange peanut? For me? ... Wow... an orange peanut?! Well I accept you!"
The referee's story of his girlfriend's apartment floor covered with beanbags.