Famous Outlaw Journalist.
A former stripper, she is Spider's first assistant. Later she works as his bodyguard.
- Action Girl: After her sabbatical.
- Amazonian Beauty: Channon is very tall and cut, but she's also drop-dead gorgeous.
- Bodyguard Babes
- Boobs of Steel: Much more voluptuous and action-oriented than Yelena, though it's implied they're fake.
- Deadpan Snarker: You've GOT to be one of those to be able to stand working with Spider for any given length of time.
- Heroic BSOD: Following her boyfriend dumping her, aided in part by the fact that immediately afterward he went Foglet, trading in his human body to become a sentient cloud of nanomachines.
- Statuesque Stunner
- Stripperiffic: Quite often.
Spider's second assistant and Royce's niece (only not really
). An aspiring journalist and writer.
- A-Cup Angst: She claims that for her to fill out the kinds of dresses that look good on Channon she'd "need to be shot in the back by two cruise missiles" first. Which, given Channon's rather more spectacular figure, doesn't necessarily mean much. Still, Yelena seems to have a preference for wearing clothes that understate her figure, seemingly so as not to call attention to it.
- Deadpan Snarker: See Channon's entry.
Spider's constantly troubled editor.
- Catch Phrase: "Where's my fucking column?!"
- Da Editor: The best in the business.
- Deadpan Snarker: See Yelena's entry.
- OOC Is Serious Business: How Spider knows something has gone down? Royce misses his trademark Catch Phrase in a phonecall.
- Precision F-Strike: He generally reserves them for his calls with Spider, when he demands to know where his column is.
- Inverted once, when Royce opens a phone call without asking for the column or swearing, foreshadowing that things have just gone From Bad to Worse.
- Took a Level in Badass: After "Two-Fisted Editor", you will never look at Royce the same way again. To sum things up, Spider's sources get knocked out after a (man-made) natural disaster. Royce turns out to have seen it coming and made private back-ups, and then beats, threatens and blackmails three people to fill in the gaps. Then he plonks the copies down in front of Spider, laughs in his face and goes on a bender of epic proportions.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Spider.
President "The Beast"
The President of the United States. Despite being corrupt, he managed to maintain the presidency for two terms before the comic began.
- Expy: Very clearly based on Richard Nixon.
- Even Evil Has Standards: The Beast believes that the president cannot be reasonably expected to do anything more domestically than make sure 50% plus 1 of the population are doing all right. As long as that's true, then he's done his job. However, he at least believes in that much; he claims Callahan believes in nothing but that he should be president.
- Everybody Calls Him Barkeep: Or rather, everyone calls him "The Beast" - even his own children.
Senator Gary "The Smiler" Callahan
One of the candidates running against The Beast for president.
- Big Bad
- Karma Houdini: Discussed in the epilogue, where nobody's quite sure what's going to happen to him. On the one hand, he's buying off most of the charges against him, and some especially depraved souls are actually funding him. On the other hand, there's so many people out for his blood that he may well eventually run out of money, at which point all signs indicate that he will be subjected to Very Bad Things.
- As Spider pointed out, the only thing that The Smiler believes in is that he should be president. Period, end of story. Spider has effectively made it impossible for The Smiler to ever be president again. Spider has essentially ripped out the center of The Smiler's universe. Anything else is just icing on the cake.
- President Evil
- Stepford Smiler: It's where his nickname comes from.
- Cheshire Cat Grin: The Joker might run from his.
- Slasher Smile: As the wheels begin to come off his presidential administration, largely because of Spider's interference, he graduates to one of these.