I dare you to keep a straight face while imagining Patrick Stewart reading the introduction he wrote for Lonely City.
Now, imagine this: Patrick Stewart tried to prove he was right for the part of Spider by getting up in the middle of a restaurant and reciting the "monstering" monologue from the issue of the same name. That must have scared the crap out of several patrons.
I would pay good money to see that!
In an anecdote told by Warren Ellis, Stewart claims that while waiting to be knighted he started thinking "What would Spider do?" and came to the conclusion he would headbutt Prince Charles. Prince Charles did say something to Stewart, but he was unable to remember what it was as he was using all his willpower to not headbutt the guy. Intrusive thoughts can be fun...
A combination CMOF and CMOA. Yelena Rossini's dad does everything he can to help his daughter and Spider because they're doing the right thing. Knowing that the feed they're releasing from his house will quickly be traced, he waits for the State Sec troops to knock on his door. We get this response, while he's staring down the barrel of a huge gun:
Rossini: Hello. I am Oscar Rossini, noted city philanthropist, a supporter of the party in government, active on a dozen political committees and a substantial donor of financial gifts. I have no criminal record, several awards, three of which were given to me by presidents, and a medal. (big nasty grin) I am also, finally, a television star. I'd like it if you could arrest me now. Because it will ensure that in a week's time you will be in a most unpleasant prison with the mutant erection of a career dog rapist deep in your colon.
Here's an upgrade to the above. Imagine Patrick Stewart giving that speech!
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Spidey.
Along with the Lifetime-movie-of-the-week style sequence after that, and the porn flick sequence after that.
When Spider found the group of "fundamentalist Christians" trying to stone a man to death on the street for watching a skin flick with his girlfriend. After hearing them talk about how they're in the right and they deserve to beat a man to death with rocks, Spider just calmly pulls out his bowel disruptor and points it at their ringleader.
Spider Jersaulem: Do you know what this is?
Spider Jerusalem: It's a bowel disruptor. And you're just full of shit.
"Do not offend the chair leg of truth. It is wise and terrible."
Spider Jerusalem: Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes.
"HEY! Bill Chimpfucker!"
"Hold the front page!"
"You're not fucking with my front page!"
After mounting the front of a car, Spider screams the following at the woman behind the wheel:
"Silence, vermin! I am in command here! Who did you vote for, vermin woman? Did you vote? Can you read? Have you got thumbs? SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING THUMBS! THUMBS!"
When Spider starts digging into the Smiler's VP candidate-
Spider: Royce, I need bribe money.
Royce: (face palms and reaches for his cigarettes) Why?
Spider: Because God has spoken to me, and God, he said, 'Son, you must find out who owns the Smiler's running mate.' and I said-"
(Royce sticks four cigarettes in his mouth at once, looking resigned, while his secretary cheerfully provides a light.)
Qi having an argument with her computer, which has been paid to show her porn, and threatening to take away its drug simulators is hilarious in its own right, but what's funnier is what interrupts the conversation -
Spider: (bursts into Qi's house unnanounced) Behold! Bring your finest meats and cheeses! Your greatest benefactor is made manifest in your tiny peasant's hovel!
Spider:(while being interviewed on the street) Fuck off. No family. No girlfriend. No friends. No love. No hope. No point. And Santa Claus is dead! I killed him! (clutches his crotch)I killed him with THIS!(tears his shirt open) And I left his stinking corpse in an underground cavern where it is raped by hundreds of toxic-effluent-crazed gila monsters every second of every day!
News reporter: Six thousand traumatized children taken to hospital after Jerusalem interview - TV station claims force majeur - Jerusalem's editor still unavailable for comment... In happier news, Drink-My-Urine Day attracted record crowds this year...