King of the Castle / Funny

King of the Castle is full of potentially hilarious developments based upon the choices of the ruler and their Deadly Decadent Court:

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Story Events

The "Coronation" event offers the Council four choices for the new Monarch's coronation:
- Although the choices vary, one of them will always involve throwing the Monarch in the river, ostensibly to symbolise the Monarch's rebirth. Several of the nobles stifle giggles at the sight of the dripping wet Monarch. For later reigns in a dynasty, when the Chancellor says the Council will vote on the coronation, the new Monarch can offer to change into waterproof robes, which the Chancellor says may be for the best. And if the new Monarch is thrown into the river, one of the dialogue options is "And so it begins."
- If the previous Monarch was deposed in favour of the Chiefs' claimant, one of the options will be to hold a pagan Northern ceremony, which involves the Monarch being "stripped nude, flogged with birches, and bathed in goat's blood while a godspeaker chants the ancient rites of Morgana." The Church and common folk are outraged, and the narration observes that they should be grateful the Monarch didn't include the ritual sacrifice.
The story event "Avalanche!", which can spawn in the North, sees said event uncovering an ancient tomb carved into a mountainside in the event "A Curious Discovery". If the Council vote to send scholars to investigate the tomb, they report that it is filled with ice warriors who swear fealty to the Northern King Bjarnolf... who has been dead for several centuries. The Council can vote to tell the ice warriors that the current Monarch is King Bjarnolf, which the ice warriors will accept; they will then offer their services to the North, but the Monarch can also insist that they head south and swear fealty to the Crown. Unfortunately, the ice warriors have almost completely melted by the time they reach the capital, and when one of them extends his sword toward the Monarch, his arm falls off. The dialogue options include asking someone to clean up the mess and lamenting "How was I supposed to know this would happen?"
"Border Raids", which can spawn if the North is one of the three regions, involves a noble from one of the other regions accusing one of the Chiefs of leading raids on their land, stealing crops and shaking down their peasants for cash. If the Council votes to have them bring proof of such accusations in future, the noble returns with a bloodstained battleaxe supposedly picked up from a more recent raid and slams it into the Council Hall's main table, shouting "How's this for proof?" One of the Monarch's dialogue options is "Hey! That was mahogany!" Inevitably, the Chief says that they could pick up a dozen such battleaxes at the blacksmith's down the road, and the Council must vote on who to believe... or they can have both nobles thrown in the dungeons "for being annoying".
Noble: [Region-specific exclamation of delight]! Wait - did you say you'll arrest me as well?
Chief: Har! Looks like we're both going in the clink! I'll be taking the top bunk.
Noble: You can't do this! I didn't do anything wrong! This makes a mockery of the law!
Narration: The Watch drag the two feuding Nobles off to the dungeon together. Chief [Chief's name] laughs the whole way, while [other noble's title and name] kicks and screams.
In "A Call for Apprentices", a wizard sets up near a town in one of the regions, and a noble from another region declares their intent to answer their call for apprentices. However, if their apprenticeship goes badly, it may lead to "Occupational Hazard", in which the Treasurer reports the unfortunate noble's premature demise. The humour comes from the methods the wizards use to convey this information to her. Athmorel, the Storm-Bringer, sends a letter in a lightning storm entirely localised within the Treasurer's room; Pestia, the Lady of Pestilence, sends a rat as a messenger (the Treasurer says she hopes she didn't catch anything from the animal); Gordias, the Stone-Talker, causes a chiselled stone tablet to rise out of the Treasurer's floor; and Brzzkt, Lord of Bells, contacts the Treasurer in her mind (she says she found the telepathic experience disturbing).
The cause of the fire in "A City in Flames" varies depending on the affected region's statistics. High Trade may mean the fire was caused by unsafe storage of lamp oil ignited by a careless merchant's pipe, high Farming may mean it was caused by a cow knocking over a lantern after being touched by a milkmaid's unusually cold hands, high Military may mean it was caused by soldiers getting drunk and tying a burning stick to a cow's tail, high Faith may mean it was caused by locals trying to burn a passing wizard at the stake... and high Defiance may mean it was caused by locals burning the Monarch in effigy. The last of these may result in the Monarch saying they've lost all sympathy for the victims of the fire.
"Costly Crossbows" sees the March developing a new, more lethal crossbow made from springwood, imported at great expense from one of the other regions.
- The Monarch's introduction to the new weapons is inauspicious, as a bolt zooms through the air just inches away from them, followed by the mortified Baron who fired it. One of the Monarch's dialogue options asks the Baron to explain, in five words or less, why they shouldn't be executed for attempted regicide.
  Baron: Um... I... Didn't... Mean to... Finger... Slipped. Damn, that was six, wasn't it?
- If the Council vote to plant a springwood grove in the March and the ensuing Farming check passes, it's not just the Monarch who has close encounters with the new crossbows:
  Baron: Ha HA! Take that! Whoops, sorry, Archbishop - I'm sure any good tailor can patch that hole out of your hat in a jiffy!
The storyline that begins with "An Exotic Plant" revolves around the emergence of a new species of vine and begins with the Monarch being asked to name the plant. The choices include "Planty McPlantface" (a reference to Boaty McBoatface, the name chosen in a 2016 Internet poll for a polar scientific research vessel) and "geranium". If the Monarch chooses the latter, the Noble who cultivated the plant will protest that there's already a plant called "geranium", to which the Monarch can reply "How dare you defy your Monarch?" "'Geranium' it is!", the Noble declares.
If the Council vote to co-exist with the title creatures in "Giant Spiders!", the later event "Uses for Spiders" starts with the monarch meeting with the farmer tasked with looking after the eggs that will allow the Kingdom to domesticate the giant spiders from birth. The farmer tells the Monarch that the spiders have grown as big as house cats and are nearly as tame. If the Monarch asks if they've been succesfully domesticated, the conversation takes an odd turn:
Farmer: Oh, sure. They're like little lambs. I like to tuck them in bed with me and let them scurry all over in the night. The wife complains, but I tell her not to worry - they're harmless if you breathe through your nose.
The storyline that begins with "The Gossamer Shield" revolves around the title group, an Eastern chivalric order of knights (of whom the Order of the Drowned Rose have a low opinion, as evidenced by their dismissive comments if the Monarch has chosen them as their Honour Guard) who have fallen on hard times and now work as a security organisation in one of the other regions. If the Monarch agrees to the request to send them back to the East to learn the ways of chivalry and romanticism for which they were once famous, it can lead to the event "Drama and Tragedy", in which a noble who formerly employed the knights of the Gossamer Shield protests the influx of bad love poetry into their region. And if the Council vote to let the verses keep flowing from poets' quills...
Noble: By the Ninth!^note If I have to hear one more damn fool compare their heart to a shadow-blackened rose -
Count: Oh, that's good, let me write that down...
In the Marcher version of "An Invitation", the Monarch is invited to the Lord's Hunt, a gathering of Barons to hunt game for several days. If the Monarch chooses a crossbow as their weapon and opts to hunt duck, then if they fail the stat check to shoot their prey, the errant bolt will strike one of the Barons in the stomach. The Monarch may attempt to justify their carelessness as self-defence by claiming the Baron was a traitor.
In "Itching for a Fight", the Barons may ask the Monarch to hold some sort of military exercises to give their re-organised yet restless military something to do. The Council can vote to invade the Ashmedean Empire, but if the resulting stat checks go badly enough, the Ashmedean Empire may be the ones who invade. And if the attempts to repel the invaders in "The Invasion Begins" also go badly, the Monarch's dialogue options include "Well, this is a fine mess." The Marshal's response is hilarious yet apt:
Marshal: It's a clusterf - ahem, I mean it's a bit of a conundrum to be sure.
"Jailbreak!" revolves around the escape of a noble who was thrown in the dungeons in an earlier event, and the ensuing story tree is full of comedic moments.
- Since the successors to nobles who are killed or imprisoned are represented with the same character sprite and simply have higher Roman numerals after their names, when the imprisoned noble's heir asks if they remember [noble's name], the following dialogue can result:
  Monarch dialogue option: That's you, isn't it?
  Imprisoned noble's heir: No, [regional term of address for the Monarch], you're confused. I'm talking about my, ah, disgraced forebear.
  Monarch dialogue option: Now there's how many bears involved?
- If the Monarch chooses to put a bounty on the escaped noble's head, the chance of success increases with the size of the bounty. If they offer the maximum of 2000 gold and the ensuing stat check passes (which has a 95% probability), a rat the size of a cow shows up in the Palace, whereupon it is cut open from the inside to reveal Pestia, the Lady of Pestilence, bearing the escaped noble's severed head (and chiding the Monarch for offering so much money for a simple murder).
  Pestia: What? A wizard can't do a little bounty hunting in her spare time?
- If the escaped noble is one of the Counts of the East, and the Monarch either chooses not to chase after them or sends someone after them who returns empty-handed, it may lead to "An Ancient Monster", in which a creature called the Grave Beast is unleashed by the fugitive noble (who becomes its first victim).
  - The Monarch may not take the situation seriously:
    Count: The Grave Beast is the unholy creation of a long-dead wizard. A giant lizard-thing of rotting grey flesh, its head a misshapen skull, its breath a rancid black fog that extinguishes all life.
    Monarch dialogue option: Maybe we send a fellow with a net?
    Count: Your Majesty, the Grave Beast is the size of a house!
    Monarch dialogue option: A big net, then.
  - If the Council decide that wizard problems require wizard solutions, the call is answered by Athmorel, the Storm-Bringer, who has a history with the Grave Beast's creator...
    Athmorel: It is the creation of an old enemy of mine - Yammarhux the Unhinged, gods curse his name. We had a fling once, you know. Don't know what I was thinking. I'm glad Scrampton ate him.
In "A Late Night Visit", a fall-down drunk noble shows up at the Monarch's chambers late one evening and asks them to tender their apologies to the Archbishop about his hat, which the noble promises to replace - the privy was occupied, and they were desperate. As they leave, they knock over a priceless vase (causing their Wealth to drop as the Monarch makes a note to bill them for the damage). The next day, the Archbishop shows up, grumpier than usual... and hatless (his mitre is even removed from his character sprite).
The title craze in "The Latest Trend" is jewellery made from bees encased in hardened sap. The Monarch may be thoroughly mystified by the idea:
Noble: Fashion is cyclical, Your Highness!^note An old trend has returned, and has swept through the [region]! Bees!
Monarch dialogue option: Bees?!
Noble: In jewellery, Your Highness! The buzzing insects can be found trapped in golden tree sap. My [regional] artisans use these to adorn necklaces and rings, shining like little gemstones. But my artisans can't keep up with demand, and a glorious trade opportunity slips through my fingers! Our fingers...
Monarch dialogue option: ...Bees?
Noble: The little buzz-y things, Your Highness.
In "A Menacing Omen", one of the Counts tells the Monarch that the "Pale Beast of [Eastern town]", usually a harbinger of good fortune for the forthcoming spring, has not been seen in the East yet. The Count describes the beast as a hare which is "white as snow, the size of a large dog, bears majestic coiled antlers"... before a Noble from another region pipes in to add "...And is delicious with parsnips".
The title object in "A Mysterious Ship" hails from one of the regions in a given playthrough, but is found on land in another. Only one crew member has survived, and he remembers nothing of how he got there. The Council can vote to hire Valeria, a scholar from Quayle University, to examine him, although when she delivers her report, she is less than tactful:
Valeria: This is the most serious case of memory loss I've seen in a long time. Technically, this man should be a gibbering mess on the floor.
Sailor: Hey! I'm right here!
"A New Contraption" involves a noble inventing a new, "more merciful" method of executing criminals. The description makes it clear it is a guillotine, but as Joseph-Ignace Guillotin does not exist in the world of KotC, the noble declares their intent to name the device after themselves.^noteNot only was Guillotin not the true inventor of the machine, an "honour" that belongs to Tobias Schmidt, but he proposed adopting it as a method of execution because of his opposition to capital punishment; he hoped it would be the first step to abolishing the death penalty. Contrary to popular myth, he was also not beheaded by "his" invention; he died of a carbuncle in 1814. The device's legacy is ripe with comic potential:
- The Council can start by voting to test the new machine on its inventor before funding a nationwide rollout from their estate.
- If the rollout is instead funded from the Treasury, it can lead to the dynasty event "An Ironic Execution?", in which the scion of the family that invented the machine is convicted of treason, but protests that the previous Monarch said they would be exempt from execution by the device. The Council can vote to have them shot full of arrows instead.
  Noble: Hang on... Maybe cutting my head off would be quicker. Is it too late to change my mind?
- In the dynasty event "Head Games", one of the nobles tells the Monarch they have been wondering how long the head lives after being severed before letting out an Evil Laugh... which they cover by claiming they "just remembered something funny that happened last night." The Council's options include agreeing to the request (the severed head bites the curious noble's finger during their observation), sentencing the noble to "a first-hand experience" (their head, once severed, is said to be observed frantically counting the last seconds of their life),^note or "No! Don't be weird!" (prompting the frustrated noble to suggest building [device's name]s for guinea pigs).
In "A New Festival?", the Treasurer tells the Monarch about the Day of Kinship, an old holiday that promoted harmony among the regions of the Kingdom. If the Monarch decides they'd rather host something more low-key, this can result in the event "A Celebration at the Palace", in which the Monarch dines with the advisors of their inner circle (the Archbishop, the Chancellor, the Chief Architect, the Marshal, the Spymaster, and the Treasurer). If they then spend the evening getting blind drunk together and the Monarch is unattached, they can announce their intention to marry one of the advisors (including the Archbishop, who is befuddled by the idea of officiating at his own wedding). However, in a bizarre example of a Parental Marriage Veto, the "wedding" is interrupted by the furious Queen Mother, who demands that the Archbishop annul the marriage immediately (and since there's no written record of it, he does so).
"A Plague of Rats", as the name suggests, has the reign deal with a rat infestation, with the affected region said to be running low on rat poison.
- One possible option is to send in a bunch of cats; if it succeeds, special note may be made of one prominent mouser that the locals name "The Colonel",^note who is honoured with a statue and who then spends his days sunning himself by his stone likeness. However, if the stat check for sending in the cats fails, the cats are said to be more interested in lounging in the sun than in catching mice, a situation familiar to many cat owners!
- The Council can also hire adventurers to deal with the rats, and the local Adventurers' Guild is said to have a special rodent-killing programme as part of their "levelling up" initiative, a poke at the common theme in tabletop RPGs of having low-level characters fight rats for experience points. The adventurers are later wiped out while fighting a rodent king in a sewer, but at least the fields are free of rats again.
If the Council vote for use of the title object in "The Printing Press" to be restricted to the Church, it can lead to the KotC version of the Protestant Reformation, which is more broadly comical than its real life counterpart.
- The dynasty event "The Archbishop's Fury" sees the Archbishop raging to the Monarch over a Martin Luther-like reformist named Smote Lemongrave (his first name being short for May-I-be-smote-by-the-Ninth-if-I-ever-prove-unworthy; the Archbishop notes that the Lemongraves are a very religious family) nailing a list of grievances to a cathedral door protesting the Church's sale of tickets "to a cushy afterlife" (similar to Luther's objection to the sale of plenary indulgences)... and suggesting that a passage in the holy book forbidding "elfishness" is a typo for "selfishness" ("Just because elves aren't real!") and that the Archbishop's hat is "a bit much". If the Council vote to have the Church address Lemongrave's concerns, they will denounce the Monarch as a "faithless devil" and a "craven labberhound". The narration asks, "What does that last word even mean?"
- The Archbishop's meeting with the reformist priest is as fractious as you'd expect.
  Archbishop: Hmph. So glad you could make it.
  Smote Lemongrave: Spare me your sarcasm, old fellow. I am here to save your Church from rot and corruption. Why would the Ninth forbid elfishness? Elves aren't even real!
  Archbishop: Of course elves aren't real. The Ninth God forbade them!
  Smote Lemongrave: Do you wear that stupid hat to hide your empty skull?
  Archbishop: How dare you insult my hat! I will have no more of this! Begone!
  (later, if the Council vote to placate the Archbishop with a donation, a land grant, or permission to preach in a region with low Faith...)^note
  Archbishop: So... No more tickets to the afterlife. We'll change the wording of the holy texts to forbid both selfishness and elfishness. But can I at least keep my hat?
  Smote Lemongrave: Fine. You can keep the hat. I guess.
As the regions are each associated with a certain statistic, if that statistic falls to 2 or less for long enough in that region, it may spawn the event "The [Regional Nobles]' Shame", in which two nobles confront the apparent shift in their cultural identity, the results of which are comically out of character.
- Should the March's Military fall to 2 or less, "The Barons' Shame" finds one Baron relating an especially embarrassing setback for their army:
  Baron 1: Great God, what has happened to the March? We just lost a skirmish against a peasant with a rake and her angry ferret!
  Baron 2: It's for the best, fellow Baron. We should be peaceful, especially towards our animal friends. Perhaps the ferret had a legitimate grievance?
  Baron 1: Stop being so defeatist! We can still turn this around!
  (if the Barons vote to embrace a new, peaceful March)
  Narration: The Barons repurpose their warhorse and livestock breeding programs to advance the domestication of other local species. [Baron 2] claims to have made a breakthrough with cross-species communication. Groups of animal-whisperers give up the hunt and practice this meditative art deep in the Marcher woods. The High Inquisitor, however, brings the Crown frenzied reports of animal-worshipping cults popping up throughout the March.
- As in the March, if the North's Military sinks to embarrassing levels, "The Chiefs' Shame" sees one Chief bewailing a particularly humiliating defeat on the "battlefield":
  Chief 1: Great gods, our armies are an embarrassment! We tried to destroy a beaver dam last week and were repelled! What happened to the Chiefs?
  Chief 2: Nay, friend! Our military was only holding us back from becoming folk of wisdom and refinement! Look at this - a book! We can learn so much from these things! Did you know a beaver's tail acts as a rudder while swimming?
  Chief 1: It's you that's acting as a rudder, steering us into irrelevance! We must whip the North into shape!
  (if the Chiefs vote to embrace a new, enlightened North)
  Chief 2: Stupendous! To the library!
  Narration: Northern commonfolk revisit the sagas, rediscovering the tales of the old gods. The pranksome exploits of Knelquiss, the Trickster God, are especially popular... with the [King/Queen/Monarch] often the butt of the joke.
- Should the East's Farming drop to 2 or less, "The Counts' Shame" finds one Count lamenting the poor quality of the recent harvests. One of the choices for the ensuing vote is "Purchase magic beans," while another is to embrace what the Counts really do best: have secret meetings about... well...
  Count 1: Dear me, I had the most atrocious salad yesterday. I inquired with the peasants, and they told me the fields have been barren for months. We're importing produce from [one of the other two regions]!
  Count 2: Trust me, [Count 1], it's for the best. Look inside yourself, and you'll find true sustenance...
  (if the Counts vote to reject the old ways in favour of the even older ways)
  Count 1: Come to my keep - there is much to discuss. If anyone asks where you're going, lie.
  Narration: The Counts expand their secret meetings until nearly all Noble Easterners attend. It's not known what happens at such meetings, but they don't seem to mention food anymore. Ever. Having given up on their crops, hundreds of capable farmers sign up to join the military. Most Nobles assume it's because they're bored and are looking for something to do. Other, more intuitive observers, claim the Eastern farmers will do anything to get away from the creepy Counts.
- For "The Grandees' Shame", if the South's Faith is low enough, it seems church service attendance has dropped off precipitously - even among the clergy:
  Grandee 1: Outrageous! I was the only one at today's service. The priest failed to show up, and a camel walked in the door and began chewing on pews! What has become of the South?
  Grandee 2: Easy, friend! There will be time for church when you're old and tired. Today's Grandees are out there living life. You should try it!
  Grandee 1: I have half a mind to report you to the Inquisition! This is not how the Grandees behave! This is not who we are!
  (if the Grandees vote to embrace a new, faithless South)
  Grandee 2: Aha! Say, there's a fencing tournament about to begin, with combatants suspended on ropes... Grab your foil, [Grandee 1]!
- If the Coast's Trade remains at 2 or below, "The Patricians' Shame" sees their economy being outdone by an unlikely competitor:
  Patrician 1: What a travesty! The Coastal economy is in shambles! I was just outbid by a finfolk.
  Patrician 2: No matter. I'm sure whatever you were trying to buy was an excessive indulgence. Us Patricians need to learn to appreciate what we have!
  Patrician 1: You say that because you're broke. Let me finish - I was outbid by a finfolk on a wheelbarrow. Finfolk live underwater! What happened to the purchasing power of a Patrician?
  (if the Patricians vote to embrace a new, contented Coast)
  Patrician 2: Come, [Patrician 1]. I hear sailors from Kirth are giving out leftover hard tack on the docks. Then, let's go for a swim!
  (or, if the Patricians vote to trust in their economy and do nothing, then fail the ensuing stat check)
  Narration: The Patricians discover a loophole in the Coastal labour code that permits them to pay workers in made-up currencies. Soon, peasants are scrambling to exchange their [Patrician 3]bucks for [Patrician 1]coins, and their [Patrician 1]coins into gold. It doesn't go well. Soon, riots explode across the Coast, and [Patrician 1] ends up being force-fed through their own mint, printing a thousand coins with their screaming face.
The storyline that begins with "The Rightful Heir", which can spawn if the previous Monarch was ousted in favour of a claimant, sees their heir returning to their parent's home region to solicit aid from the nobles in helping them re-claim the throne from the current Monarch. If the nobles agree and lend them a detachment of soldiers to march on the Capital, it can lead to the event "Insurrection!", in which the reigning Monarch is forced to confront the former Monarch's heir. One possible outcome is for the reigning Monarch to Abdicate the Throne, and what sets this apart from other abdications and puts it in "funny" territory is that instead of resigning under duress or because their position is hopeless, the Monarch may abdicate because they're fed up. They tell their stunned advisors, in so many words, "I quit," leave the crown on the Palace floor, and, just to drive home how sick of governing they are, they move to the Republic of Kirth and become a famous public speaker on the evils of monarchy.
"Rumblings at the University" revolves around rumours that the scholars at Quayle University are examining the laws of succession.
- The Monarch may choose to be flippant about the Spymaster's initial suspicions, to her frustration. When she initially tells the Monarch that there have been "rumblings" at the university, one dialogue option is "They've been eating partridge again." She then adds that the Monarch gives the university too much leeway, to which the Monarch can reply, "Too much food, perhaps."
- The Council can vote to send one of the Spymaster's spies undercover as a student of metaphysics, but they get a little too into the role (if the Monarch asks what the spy has learned, the Spymaster says that judging from their exam scores, the answer is "not much"), spending their time getting drunk, falling out of boats, and composing three-syllable poetry. The Monarch asks them to read a few poems...^note
  Spy: Beer at noon. / Was this bread? / Flat-u-lence.
  Lovely face. / Good strong teeth. / Is that wig?
- If the Council vote to sober up the spy and send them back, they return with a more useful report concerning the ancient document the University are examining. The Council can vote to pay a thief from the Adventurers' Guild to steal the document under cover of darkness, but as no-one can read it, the Monarch can decide to sell it, kidnap a scholar to translate it... or use it as toilet paper. If they choose the last of these, the thief says they already need something for that purpose, and it is promptly sent down a sluice with the former contents of the thief's stomach.
- But if the Council vote to bring in a scholar (who only arrives the following season) and then arrest and execute them, it can lead to the event "A Delegation from the University", in which the Provost of the University produces a document authored by Queen Alma the Wise that supposedly claims that a Monarch who infringes on the university's freedom must abdicate. But as almost no-one else present can read the language in which the document is written, the Provost's legal standing is shakier than she anticipates.
  - The Monarch can say the supposed legal document looks more like a soup recipe, and among the actions they can take are to simply tear it up and eat the pieces one by one, to the Provost's chagrin.
  - Alternatively, the Monarch can say "I think we can do better," then ask for a pen to re-write the document. The Council can vote for the new version to require that the Provost donate a huge sum of money to the Treasury, have scholars conscripted into the military... or marry a farm animal. If they choose the last of these, the Church is only too happy to marry the humiliated and enraged Provost to a goat named Maureen (who eats her new spouse's hat after the ceremony).
In "A Sacrilegious Request", one of the nobles expresses frustration over the Church-mandated shuttering of businesses and resulting loss of income during the Holy Day of Rest, when the Ninth God rested after defeating the eight Deposed Gods. They ask the Monarch to make it legal to work on the Holy Day of Rest:
Monarch dialogue option: The High Inquisitor won't like this.
High Inquisitor: (suddenly appearing) What won't I like?
Monarch dialogue option: Aaahhhh!
The storyline that begins with "Saint or Sinner?" sees one of the Grandees claim descent from St. Umber, the patron saint of decay. If the Council grants permission for their body to be exhumed and the corpse has not decayed, it is put on display as a holy relic. However, it soon emerges that the body's eyes glow and disintegrate anyone deemed unworthy of the Ninth God's favour, which piques the High Inquisitor's interest. If the Council agree to her request to have all nobles appear before the body of St. Umber, she will conclude by demanding that the Monarch submit to the saint's judgement. If they fail the ensuing Faith check, the flesh is flayed from their bones... and their choices for last words include "THE NINTH CAN KISS MY -" and "Welp."
The story event "Shoddy Weapons" revolves around the title objects being sent to the military of one of the regions by a corrupt supplier. If the Council vote to have new weapons paid for by the Treasury, it leads to a hilarious Long List of the inventory from the Marshal:
Marshal: All present and correct, Your Majesty. Halberds, glaives, battleaxes, flails, flanged maces, non-flanged maces, horseman's picks, footman's picks, morning stars, quarterstaffs, half-staffs, full staffs, and a dozen different kinds of sword.
(if the Monarch then asks the Marshal to list the swords...)
Marshal: Longswords, short swords, regular length swords, cutlasses, scimitars, arming swords, harming swords, unexpectedly charming swords, falchions, rapiers, sabres, greatswords, good swords, neutral swords, and absolute bastard swords.
Narration: You have no idea what half of those are. Hopefully it's just what the doctor ordered.
The Songstress series of story events, in which an unscrupulous bard charms her audiences into doing as she commands with Magic Music from an enchanted lyre, can take some hilarious turns depending on the decisions made by the Monarch and the Council.
- If the initial reaction is to do nothing, ban the Songstress from performing, or simply increase security at her concerts, the problem only gets worse, and the Council can vote to have her assassinated. The assassin, a member of a guild called the Viper's Children who can shapeshift between human and serpentine form, says they hear the Monarch has a bard they want "silenced"; one option is to say "Don't just silence her, murder her!", to which the assassin replies, "Yes, that's what I... Oh, never mind."
- However, the Songstress charms the assassin into turning against the Monarch, and in "The Assassin Returns", the Monarch wakes up in the middle of the night with a snake wrapped around their neck. If their Consort is in the bed next to them and they try to wake them, the ensuing dialogue options are "Ffffff mmmmffff!" ("Save me!"), "Kkkkkkkt! Kkkkkkt!" ("Kill it! Kill it!"), and "Gffft fffft fffff!" ("Get it off!").^note
- If the Spymaster is sent to investigate the Songstress, she takes the precaution of putting in ear plugs. However, when she reports to the Monarch, she initially forgets to take them out, so that whichever dialogue option the Monarch chooses, the Spymaster yells, "WHAT?", and the Monarch can choose to repeat their previous comment in allcaps.
- The Spymaster reveals that the Songstress is only able to control audiences with her magic lyre; without it, she's powerless. If the Council vote to send a thief to steal the lyre and replace it with an ordinary instrument, rather than handing it over, the thief adopts the Songstress' MO and plays the lyre to persuade the Monarch to hand over the contents of the Treasury, then forget they were ever there. However, they're an even worse musician than the Songstress without her lyre, so their idea of a song is...
  I find rhyming pretty tough
  So just give me lots of gold and stuff
  Now I command you not to remember
  ... Bugger, what rhymes with remember?
  Anyway, you get my point
  Forget this or I'll be... disappoint.
In "The Stone Maiden", the title character is a Living Statue who turns all who meet her gaze into stone statues.
- The Council can vote to hire a wizard to defeat her, send the military after her, consult fairy tales for a solution, or simply tell everyone in the affected region to hide. If they vote for the last option and pass the ensuing Authority check, the locals are said to get very into making sourdough, a wry nod to the popularity of said activity in some countries during the lockdown phase of the COVID-19 Pandemic.
- If the Council vote to enlist the services of a wizard, the call is answered by Gordias, the Stone-Talker. However, the spell requires one of the Monarch's teeth (the Monarch can protest that they just remembered to floss, and Gordias will observe that, if anything, this will make flossing easier); if the Monarch agrees, the ensuing dialogue choices are "Thah eerie urt!"^note"That really hurt!" and "Ooh ahh-stard!"^note"You bastard!"
"A Tasty Innovation!" has the reign deal with the invention of the sandwich by a servant, with their noble master claiming that not only should they receive royalties for its use, but also that it should be named after themself (since John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich doesn't exist in the KotC world).^note If the ruler decides to directly reward the servant instead, he's brought before the court, and reveals that his name is "Footlong" due to his abnormally long feet. It then becomes a Brick Joke when every subsequent party held in that dynasty features "Footlongs" (or whatever the noble's name was) on plates, while events revolving around economic hardship replace references to the price of bread with references to the price of a "Footlong" (or whatever the noble's name was).
In the story event "Tithe Trouble", the Archbishop tells the Monarch that the nobles in one region have been neglecting their tithes (which, in the world of KotC, are an eighth of their income instead of a tenth). If the Monarch claims not to be a debt collector, the Archbishop warns that public blame for the Church's financial problems will fall on the crown, not on the clergy. One possible response to this is "Go away, you irritating old fart." (Be prepared for a serious knock to Authority and Stability if you choose this...) Whereupon the Church begin spreading rumours that the Monarch is "a baby-kicker and devil-worshipper".
The storyline that begins with "Your Distant Cousin" sees the emergence of the Monarch's ne'er-do-well relative, Lord Fitzalbert, who has become The Thing That Would Not Leave to one of the nobles. If the Monarch repeatedly gives Fitzalbert the brush-off in subsequent events, it may lead to the event "Your Volatile Cousin", in which the Spymaster tells the Monarch that Fitzalbert has been sending them threatening letters and even hired an assassin (whom she killed before the Monarch even knew they were there). What pushes this into "funny" territory is the Spymaster dragging Fitzalbert into the room by the collar, as if he were a misbehaving child, and then chuckling that the assassin he hired was so incompetent, she's amazed they didn't trip and impale themselves on their own dagger before she got to them.

Capital Events

Patch 1.1 ("Good to Be King") tweaked the "Honour Guard" event that always spawns in the first season after the coronation so that, rather than listening to the Marshal say she could stab the Monarch right then and there with no Honour Guard (and chuckling to herself if the Monarch says "I'd like to see you try!") before introducing them to the various candidate organisations, the Monarch can potentially have the subject of an Honour Guard forced upon them by the incompetence of the Palace Watch.
- One version sees a random peasant entering the Monarch's bedchamber one evening and announcing they have a brilliant idea for the Kingdom: a flying force consisting of knights tied to birds. When the Marshal arrives to save the Monarch, they can choose to either have the peasant executed or thrown out... or have the Council vote on the plan. For even bigger laughs, if the Council vote to have the idea piloted in one of the three regions, it predictably fails miserably (the luckless knights dragged into the scheme are said to be covered in feathers and bird droppings) and leads to masses of soldiers quitting the military in disgust.^note
- In another version, the Monarch is walking through the Palace gardens when they see a member of the Palace Watch holding a mop instead of a pike (one possible dialogue option here is "Fearlessly defending me from dust, are you?"). When questioned, the Watch member says a child kicked them in the shins and then stole their pike when they dropped it, and they haven't had time to get a replacement. The Council then votes on how to whip the Palace Watch into shape.
  - One option is to bring in soldiers from one of the regions to train them... which lowers the Military of the region in question, as the ineptitude of the Palace Watch rubs off on them!
  - Another option is to do nothing, which leads to more members of the Watch having their pikes stolen and having to improvise replacements, including rolling pins, colanders, fireplace pokers, and a head of lettuce.
- The Honour Guard selection process may be decided by a contest rather than royal decree, with one of the nobles offering to fund a battle royale between representatives of the three regions. However, the Monarch can insist on a less violent contest (though they will have to fund it themselves), with options including a drinking contest, a foot race, a beauty pageant, or a talent show.
  - For the drinking contest, if the Eastern knights are among the competitors, their entrant will take one sip of ale and then ask for a small glass of red wine instead. At the other end of the spectrum, although the Northern warrior heroes hold their booze best of all (their entrant downs an entire pitcher in one gulp before belching so loud the Monarch's crown is almost knocked off their head), the Southern battle nuns are a close second; if the North is not among the other regions, their entrant eventually signals her fellow Sisters of Steel to bring her the whole cask.
  - The top performers in the foot race, in order, are the veterans of the March, the Coastal gladiators, and the Eastern knights; the Southern battle nun is slowed down by running in full armour, while the Northern warrior hero collapses near the starting line. The narration speculates that he's probably hung over from the previous night's heavy drinking.
  - In the beauty pageant, the Southern battle nun is disqualified for refusing to remove her face mask, while the Marcher veteran is unshaven, stomps across the stage while sulking, and flips off a spectator who boos. The other contestants are more impressive; the Northern warrior hero tears open his shirt to reveal a hairy chest and howls like a wolf, the Eastern knight forsakes her armour in favour of a black dress and sashays across the stage like a professional, and the Coastal gladiator does a triple somersault and flexes for the audience while wearing even fewer clothes than usual, causing an audience member to faint.
  - For the talent contest, if the Marcher veterans are among the competitors, their entrant is disqualified when his magic act involves actually sawing someone in half; the narration notes that the bloodstain will be a nightmare to clean. The Northern warrior hero fares better with a demonstration of strength involving lifting a barrel, a log, and a "baffled cow".
  - Whatever the choice of contest and whoever wins, the event is declared a tremendous success by everyone except the Marshal, who has to see the court doctor after rolling her eyes so hard she strains her forehead.
- The Marshal may tell the Monarch that one of the regions cannot send soldiers for their Honour Guard thanks to a scandal plaguing the relevant group. The scandals range from the veterans of the March forging their battle records (with tin medals and "battle scars" received in farming accidents), to the Coastal gladiators throwing arena matches (including the use of fake blood), to Northern warriors getting drunk and burning down a church, to battle nuns from the Sisterhood of Steel breaking their vow of silence by going out drinking and singing a rude song about hedgehogs, to knights of the Order of the Drowned Rose being discovered to have plagiarised some of their poetry.
"Finding a Spouse" always spawns two seasons after the coronation, and either the Queen Mother or the Chancellor will look for a candidate from each of the three regions to present in "Eligible Options" in the following season. However, if either of the story events "A Fishy Wedding" or "Pirates!" spawn in the first season after the coronation, it is possible for the Monarch to marry Prince Glorb of the Finfolk or Helaena the Pirate Queen by the third season... the season in which "Eligible Options" spawns. If the Monarch gets married before selecting "Eligible Options", the Queen Mother or Chancellor will grumble that they spent weeks researching eligible candidates, but they've apparently wasted their time.
One of the "hooks" for the various choices for the Monarch's spouse is utter incompetence at everything they try to do.
- In "A Bright Idea", the narration says their attempt to take up swimming led to them almost drowning, their efforts at knitting resulted in the Monarch getting a twelve-sleeved shirt, and their foray into beekeeping put half the Palace Watch in the hospital. Then they tell the Monarch that they found a law about appointing the Consort as a regional governor for six months... They sheepishly admit that no-one in their own region will listen to a word they say, so if the Monarch approves the idea, the Council must vote between the other two regions, and the Consort vows to improve the "winning" region's economy, agriculture, military, or religious faith, to an immediate This Is Gonna Suck reaction from a noble from that region. Whichever they pursue, the associated statistic plummets while Defiance skyrockets.
  - In trying to bolster trade, they will either embezzle from the region's treasury and lose everything at the gambling tables (but they're sure they can win it back), or send the economy into freefall by scrapping all industry subsidies, having no idea what they are or why they're important (but they're sure the economic shock won't last long).
  - Attempts to boost farming go horribly awry when either their new formula for fertilising soil kills everything that grows in it as well as a few cows that grazed on it (but at least the crops that did survive should be hardy) or they decide that the region should hunt their food instead of farming it and convert farms to (rapidly depopulated) wild game preserves (but at least the area is clear of rodents).
  - Their efforts to whip the military into shape end in embarrassment as they either order soldiers to practise fighting with real weapons (but at least the survivors have real battle experience) or order them to read seventeen books on historic battles, leading to mass desertion (but at least the remaining soldiers have razor sharp minds).
  - Their idea of spreading the word of the Ninth God to the region involves building a towering copper church on a hilltop. Then a thunderstorm hits the area during a service and lightning strikes the church, electrocuting the entire congregation (but what a display of the Ninth's power!).
- And so, in "Another Bright Idea", they ask for another chance, to which the Monarch can reply that they wouldn't trust the Consort to change a candle. But if they decide to be polite, they have three options:
  - Making them Commander of the City Watch backfires hilariously when they decide to motivate the officers by paying per arrest. Cue the Watch arresting anyone and everyone for any infraction, real or imagined, causing riots and further arrests, crashing the Treasury (unless the Monarch refuses to pay).
  - Having them build a giant statue of the Monarch results in a thirty-foot monstrosity with a lopsided face, bugging eyes, and too many teeth that causes commoners and nobles alike to burst into laughter just from looking at the real Monarch's face, earning them the nickname "the Stone-Faced" (partly because of the statue, partly because of the Monarch's reaction to jokes about it).
  - If the Monarch is desperate to give them something at which they're sure they can't fail, they'll be put in charge of keeping the river flowing... and even that goes horribly wrong when the Consort decides that its bendy course is inefficient and tries to dig a straight channel for it, then, when that doesn't work, a dam to force it down the channel, which succeeds in flooding the entire Capital. The Monarch's initial reactions to the news include "DID THE NINTH GOD SEND YOU TO PUNISH ME?"
- And just as the Consort is about to propose another idea, the Monarch's dialogue options are "NO!" and "...Perhaps another time, my dear."
The various events that can result in the Monarch's Interspecies Marriage to Prince Glorb provide plenty of hilarity.
- In "A Fishy Wedding", the Council can vote to have the Monarch attend Glorb's wedding to the Archduke of Saal, send their warm regards but not attend (the High Inquisitor asks if they could be "icy cold" instead of "warm"), or condemn the wedding. If they vote for the last of these, the wedding is officially declared "blasphemous and icky".
- The following season, "An Island Rises" sees the finfolk raise an island in the sea between the Kingdom and Saal as a dowry for the wedding. The Marshal says the island is of great strategic importance, and the Council can vote to either continue with their previous decision, send the Monarch to negotiate with the finfolk, pay Scrampton the sea wizard to sink the island again, or send the Monarch to seduce Glorb. If they choose the last of these, the Monarch's dialogue options include admitting they have always found finfolk appealing, followed by "reluctantly" agreeing to seduce the "sexy, sexy fishman".
- And so, in "Visiting the Finfolk", the Monarch makes the underwater journey; the everpresent dialogue option "More like fine folk, am I right? Awooga!", though funny, will offend Glorb so much he will send the Monarch back to the surface. If, instead, the Monarch plays it cool and persuades Glorb to break his engagement by explaining that the island will cause more problems between the Kingdom and Saal than the Archduke claimed, then spends the night with him and proposes marriage the next morning, the noise Glorb makes in response to the proposal is likened to a frog throwing up a set of bagpipes, and the dialogue options for Glorb's concern about how the nobles will react include "They are invited to kiss the royal behind."
- So follows "A Controversial Wedding"; the commonfolk are enchanted by the Monarch's engagement to Glorb, but the nobles and especially the clergy are outraged; the Monarch's possible responses include "Can't you all be normal for a change?" and "Get used to it, bozos!" If the Archbishop's objections to holding a ceremony in St. Bertrand's Cathedral are overruled by the Council, he makes no secret of his disgust throughout, and after the interruption (and subsequent ejection) of the Archduke of Saal, he declares the Monarch "[husband/wife/spouse] and fish" before telling them to get out.
- But if the Monarch is already married by the time "An Island Rises" spawns, the Chancellor is the one who is pushed forward to seduce Prince Glorb instead of the Monarch. They are... reticent (although, as seen in the next season's "Marrying Undersea", they are also successful in winning Glorb's hand):
  Marshal: Capital idea!
  Chancellor: Wait... How did we get here? Weren't we saying this was a sin a few months ago?^note
  Marshal: Just seduce the fishman, you wimp.
  Spymaster: What the Marshal is trying to say is that you're... unattached. And the Chancellor of the Kingdom. You'd make a far better match for this Finfolk Prince than the Archduke of some rainy little island.
  Chancellor: Your Majesty, listen to reason! Don't send me underwater to propose marriage to some damp little frog-creature!
  Monarch dialogue option: Just go and see what happens.
  Grandee/Patrician:^note Exactly. Just talk to him. See if there's a spark.
  Chancellor: There won't be a bloody spark! We'll be underwater!
"The Uninvited Guest" sees the Monarch stumbling in on an extramarital tryst between their Consort and an NPC noble. If the Consort is unapologetic or the Monarch is angry enough, it can lead to "The Unfaithful Spouse", in which the Spymaster warns the Monarch that the affair is continuing, and tongues are starting to wag. The Monarch can decide to plot revenge against the Consort's lover by arranging their murder... or be really sneaky and plot revenge against the Consort by, among other things, hiring the services of a witch. This leads to the event "Very Froggy Frolicking", in which the Consort's lovers (yes, plural), who include a member of the Palace Watch and a servant, are turned into frogs. The Monarch can even have the transformed noble executed with a miniature gallows. (Expect the Consort to demand a divorce afterwards, if this hasn't already happened.)
If the Monarch pursues the Conquest ambition despite having mediocre to bad Military numbers and the ensuing Military check fails, one of the ragtag mob of soldiers assembled to invade Ashmede may be seen picking his nose with his sword (if the Monarch tells him to stop before he cuts off his nose, he'll protest that he has a bogey^note"Booger" in American English.), and one of the following dialogue options is "Look at that one! He's got no pants on!", to which the soldier replies, "Sorry, Your Highness. I couldn't find them this morning."
In the Sainthood ambition, the Monarch is elevated to the status of a living saint by the Church, but there's nothing that says they need to behave suitably reverently. They can mutter to the Archbishop to get on with his speech, finish the ceremony by saying "Sainthood, here I am! Hooray!" (to the Archbishop's barely-disguised embarrassment), and, at the next Council meeting (attended by a horde of Inquisitors), bellow that the power of the Ninth God courses through their veins (the accompanying text muses that perhaps sainthood doesn't work like that, but what does it matter?).
If the Spy Network ambition succeeds, the Spymaster reveals that one of the nobles is paralytically terrified of lemons. At the next Council meeting, she casually offers the noble in question a glass of lemonade, panicking them into voting with the Monarch.

Scheme Events

The second stage of the Doppelganger scheme requires lowering the Kingdom's Stability to create a suitable environment for a Kill and Replace manoeuvre. However, if they have not met their objective within the specified number of seasons, one of the conspirators may come up with a creative solution to spread chaos, which another conspirator will reject as insufficiently chaotic... inspiring the first conspirator to double down on their suggestion. If the Counts, Grandees, or Patricians are pursuing the scheme, one of them will offer to publish their memoirs (telling their skeptical fellow conspirator they underestimate their impact), but if the Barons are pursuing the scheme, one of them can offer to punch the Archbishop (and, once turned down, can offer to punch him really hard), while if the Chiefs are pursuing the scheme, one of them can offer to unleash a pack of wolves in the Palace (the other Chief says that that's their answer to everything).
If the Doppelganger scheme is poised to reach its third stage on time, the stall event "A Bizarre Report" opens with a report from the Spymaster about the Monarch's double, which she can't quite square away, as the first stage of the scheme involves the region's nobles persuading her that they are trustworthy. Her initial conversation with the Monarch may reveal her true opinion of the latter...
Spymaster: Your Majesty, I have received worrying reports. Worrying... and confusing.
Monarch dialogue option: I'm constantly worried and confused.
Spymaster: Yes, Your Majesty. I did get that impression.
If the Grandees pursue the Fervour scheme, their claimant is held up as the Ninth's Herald, foretold by the Ninth God to rule over a golden age. Their first promised miracle is enough food to feed everyone in the South, but if Farming is especially dismal by the time their goal is evaluated, the Grandees wish they had set the bar lower:
Grandee: Couldn't they have promised the sun would shine? That we could do.
If the Intimidation scheme narrowly passes its first objective, the event "Outwitting the Spymaster" sees the scheme leader chuckling that the Monarch thinks all is well in the Kingdom, and "when the cat's away, the mice will play." The metaphor is wasted on their co-conspirator:
- The Baron co-conspirator says that cats aren't good for mousing anyway, and a terrier is better. The scheme leader says they miss the point of the analogy, but gives up trying to explain.
- The Chief co-conspirator objects to being compared to mice, since the Chiefs are honourable warriors. The scheme leader replies there's no honour in politics.
- The Count co-conspirator adds that "when the cat returns, the mice will have poisoned its kibble." The scheme leader snarks that the metaphor is getting a bit tortured now.
- The Grandee co-conspirator doesn't like metaphorical language, and they tell the scheme leader to speak "plainly, or not at all."
- The Patrician co-conspirator's main objection to being likened to mice is how much of a pain they are to trap. Funny they should mention traps, says the scheme leader...
The version of "A Matter of Faith" that may appear if the Southern scheme requires raising their own Faith revolves around a Grandee telling the Monarch that they met a talented young artist named Galbia, who received a vision directly from the Ninth God of a fresco on the ceiling of the grand cathedral in the Southern city of Calebra. The Monarch may ask for a description of the fresco...
Grandee: Nude cherubs and nude angels frolicking in the clouds above an assortment of worshipping humans (also nude) while the Ninth God looks down nudely from above. A lot of nudity, now I say it out loud. Oh well. It's religious, so it's fine.
If, for the third objective of the Modernization scheme, the Barons vote to use the New Model Army to threaten the Monarch into abdicating and succeed, the Monarch is under no obligation to leave gracefully. Rather than signing their name on the document proclaiming the March's claimant as their successor, they can draw a "rude picture" instead. The Baron overseeing the signing will sneer at the Monarch for their immaturity, but the Monarch can choose to keep drawing naughty illustrations all over the document until the Baron snatches it away and holds it up for all to see... while carefully covering the pictures with their hands.
If the Barons successfully pursue the Propaganda scheme and have the Monarch deposed in a bloody coup, the next reign begins with the dynasty event "A Spectre of the Past", in which the ghost of the deposed Monarch haunts the throne's new occupant. If the Council vote to have the Archbishop exorcise the phantom (which involves yelling "BEGONE, WRAITH! THE POWER OF THE NINTH COMPELS THEE!") and fail the ensuing stat check, the ghost laughs in the Archbishop's face, steals his hat, and disappears through a nearby wall, leaving the (now hatless) Archbishop to sputter, "Well I never!"
If the Chiefs' Ragnarok scheme is poised to pass its second objective, the Council can pass a stalling tactic involving building a border wall intended to keep out the ice giants and named after the Monarch. If the dynasty continues and the Chiefs are once again on the brink of getting the Ragnarok scheme to the final stage, the Council can vote to re-build [Previous Monarch's name]'s Wall. One of the Chiefs will protest, "That old thing? But it's in ruins! Hasn't been used since the last time... oh, never mind."
If a region pursuing the Sorcery scheme passes their first objective, the wizard's entrance provides moments of humour:
- The Barons succeed in recruiting Gordias, the Stone-Talker, who bristles at the interruption to his busy schedule, dismisses the scheme leader's border fort as a "pimple ... on the backside of nowhere", and cuts off their pitch by saying he already knows what they want, as he "was born a long time before yesterday".
- The Chiefs' call for a wizard is answered by Brzzkt, Lord of Bells, whose arrival in the scheme leader's clan hall sends their wolfhounds whimpering and fleeing in terror (Brzzkt apologises, saying he has that effect on dogs). When the Chief explains the scheme, Brzzkt says he was banned from entering his favourite bakery because his presence smashed every window in a one-mile radius, and he adds that the fig rolls (which may be made by a Mrs. Miggins) are "WORTH COMMITTING REGICIDE FOR" (allcaps his).
- The Counts are approached by Pestia, the Lady of Pestilence, who initially appears as a formation of bats in front of the Moon before materialising in the scheme leader's castle and asking if her entrance was suitably dramatic. She says if their idea doesn't pique her interest, she'll give them a case of boils so hideous their own mother will disown them.
- The Grandees' appeal summons Athmorel, the Storm-Bringer, who makes her entrance while the scheme leader is practising swordfighting by disintegrating the practice dummy with a flash of lightning.
- The Patricians attract the attention of Scrampton, the sea wizard, who tells the scheme leader to get through their pitch quickly, as a giant squid and a sperm whale are about to have a fight thirty miles away, and he doesn't want to miss it.
Although the Sorcery scheme can end in a Fate Worse than Death for the Monarch, that doesn't mean they can't be hilarious:
- Gordias, the wizard of stone, inflicts the Taken for Granite fate from which he (partially) escaped himself on the Monarch. As they turn into a statue that can see, hear, and think, but cannot speak, move, or feel, the Monarch can strike a heroic pose (after which they are moved to the city square, where they are said to really despise pigeons), writhe in agony (after which they are donated to Quayle University as an art installation), or make an obscene gesture (after which they are sold at auction to be displayed in the front office of a brothel).
- Brzzkt, the wizard of sound and silence, turns the Monarch into the clapper for one of his thousands of bells, and the narration muses that at least the Monarch has eternity to get used to the noise. Their epilogue text, meanwhile, consists solely of nineteen repetitions of "DING!"
- Pestia, the wizard of plagues, infects the Monarch with a disease of her own creation that has no effect on the Monarch, but that is fatally infectious to anyone who gets anywhere near them. The Monarch's dialogue options include "I was getting tired of humanity anyway," to which Pestia replies, "Oh good, a [man/woman/person] after my own heart. People are overrated." As they flee the Palace, they decide to give the Count behind the scheme a big long hug before entering seclusion, and according to the epilogue text, they did exactly that, with deadly consequences for the Count.
- Athmorel, the wizard of storms, briefly gives the Monarch the ability to see across centuries, with events ranging from Celest Ath half-built on Kaldovaga's workbench, to the Ninth God poisoning the Sixth God's wine, to Yulian, last independent King of the March, kneeling before King Arald the Great, to Torgeir Hallbjorn freeing the first Chiefs from the ice giants, to a chained Queen Sashara of the East walking into a lake, to the Necropolis rising out of the Southern desert, to the first village on the Coast growing into a metropolis...^note and once the Monarch has appreciated just how fleeting their existence is (with their dialogue options consisting of one word each of the sentence "I am a moment, already ending"), Athmorel whisks them away to a field... and turns them into a sheep.
- Scrampton, the wizard of the seas, floods the Monarch's office and then drags them below the surface, giving them the ability to speak and breathe underwater while taking them to a deep abyss that is now home to the Deep Queen, better known as the Third God, drowned by the Ninth God. Scrampton explains that the Monarch will spend eternity in her service (which he deems an ironic fate for someone used to being served); the Monarch's main concern may be that this is heresy for which they could go to the Seven Hells, missing the point of eternity.
If the nobles behind the Sorcery scheme vote to have their wizard send the Monarch to Another Dimension, the end results may be comical in their complete shift from the mediaeval fantasy setting of the rest of the game.
- Gordias sends the Monarch to a brightly-coloured fairy tale land, where they are met by a floppy-eared creature looking like a cross between a rabbit and a lion who asks if they are The Chosen One, come to save the land of Paffle from the Weasel Queen. If the Monarch says they are, the creature introduces himself as Wiggy Rimples, and the duo have a series of "increasingly absurd adventures" solving puzzles and fist-fighting weasels. If the Monarch instead denies being the chosen one, Wiggy Rimples eats them, and the epilogue observes that The Hero's Journey generally does not begin with refusing the call.
- Brzzkt sends the Monarch to a science fiction setting, where they land on a desert world and are immediately put in shackles by a blue-skinned creature with a firearm the like of which the Monarch has never seen. The epilogue relates that they were taken to a research facility on a nearby moon, escaped, and forged a legendary career as an interstellar smuggler.
- Scrampton sends the Monarch to a city with rectangular buildings ten times as high as the Palace, with thousands of windows, and crowds of people who all seem to be in a hurry (one of whom dismisses the Monarch as a "renfair-lookin' asshole")... in other words, to contemporary Earth. The epilogue states that the Monarch eventually got a job at a mattress company as a social media manager.
The Subterfuge scheme involves undermining public trust in the Monarch's inner circle, and their reactions, particularly those of the Marshal, are hilarious.
- If the scheme is poised to pass its second objective, it sets off the event "Losing Trust in your Advisors", and the core quartet - the Chancellor, the Treasurer, the Marshal, and the Spymaster - report to the Monarch regarding rumours of their unsuitability for their positions.
  Treasurer: They've said I'm skimming off the Treasury!
  Marshal: They've accused me of being a 'deranged old bat with an unquenchable thirst for blood!' Me! I'll kill them all!
  Spymaster: I won't repeat what they said about me. It hurt my feelings.
- If the Council votes to delay the region's scheme by launching an inquiry, the region's nobles produce (mostly forged) evidence, and the Marshal and the Treasurer may continue to sabotage their own images:
  Marshal: For the record, I categorically deny drinking from my enemies' skulls. It doesn't even work! The wine dribbles out the eye-holes!
  Treasurer: Listen, if I was skimming from the Treasury, I would not be caught so easily! My embezzlement would be untraceable, dammit!
If the Uprising scheme succeeds, the Monarch is told of the peasant revolt against the institution of the Monarchy. The Spymaster tells them that the revolution is led by a former shipbuilder named Laila, and they can ask the Spymaster to kill her. When the Spymaster points out that Laila will simply be replaced by another rabble-rouser, the Monarch can ask the Spymaster to kill her family instead. When told Laila has no family, they can ask the Spymaster to kidnap her dog, a Shih Tzu named Princess. (Unsurprisingly, no-one, not even the Monarch's advisors, takes kindly to the kidnapping, and the Monarch is swiftly deposed and executed.)

Rebellion Events

In a Rebellion, the event "Opening Strike" sees the rebels choose their first move.
- If the March have rebelled, one of the two Barons discussing strategy is more gung-ho than the other:
  Baron 1: The time has come! This Kingdom has grown soft under the weak and ineffectual rule of [Monarch's title and name]. As usual, it's up to the Barons to fix thins! With violence!
  Baron 2: Aye, too right! Let's march to the Capital and kick some heads in!
  Baron 1: All in good time. But we're the Barons of the March - let's live up to that reputation, eh? Let's be clever.
  Baron 2: But I want to kick some heads!
- If the Coast are the rebels, the initial dialogue exchange between two Patricians rather undermines the gravity of the situation:
  Patrician 1: Do you smell that, my friend?
  Patrician 2: Sorry, I think I stepped in some -
  Patrician 1: That's FREEDOM you can smell.
- Outside of the North, one of the options for is for the rebels to petition for the support of the Church, which requires passing a Faith check. If it fails, the Archbishop doesn't mince words...
  Rebel Noble: Thank you for meeting with me, Your Holiness.
  Archbishop: Let's cut to the chase, before you launch into your little speech. Do you think the Church has lasted a thousand years by changing allegiances along with the weekly hymns? No. We're careful about who we support. And you... you're nothing but a thorn in my side. I wouldn't pee on you if you were burning at the stake. Get out of my sight. (leaves)
  Rebel Noble: ...By the Ninth.^note
  Narration: The Church refuses to lend its official support to the rebels. In fact, the Archbishop also orders a mass excommunication of any soldiers who fight against the Monarch. All the traitors can, in his words, 'go directly to Hell.'
If a Rebellion leads to a siege while the Kingdom's Farming is subpar, it may result in the event "The Capital Starves!", in which the Chancellor reports that because they could not stockpile enough food before the siege began, the peasants are subsisting on a few crumbs a day. If the loyalist Council members vote for the Monarch to eat as little as the peasants in a show of solidarity, it doesn't take long for them to go mad from hunger, with the narration quipping that they would happily "disembowel the Archbishop for half a cabbage."
Narration: In your starvation-induced rage, you insult and offend the Nobles who still remain at court. Frankly, they're lucky you don't eat them.

Funny / King of the Castle

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Funny / King of the Castle

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