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Funny / Dracula: Dead and Loving It

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  • The epic nods to those two lines that seem mandatory in any adaptation:
  • The dance scene.
  • The funniest moment in the entire movie may be the "hypnosis" scene as a whole, when Dracula, standing outside of the house, tries to guide Mina out of her bedroom. ("Walk to the door. ...Mina. You are in the closet.")
    • Dracula finally enters Mina's darkened room and emerges carrying her in his arms as he slowly carries her away.
      Dracula: (mysterious and seductive) You will be my bride throughout eternity. We'll share the endless passion of immortal love.
      Maid: (lifts her head) Oh, I can't wait!
      Dracula: [stares at her in surprise] Not YOU!
      [Takes her back inside and throws her on the floor, and carries Mina out, walking very fast.]
      Dracula: (fast and annoyed) Youwillbemybridethroughouteternity, we'llsharetheendlesspassionofimmortallove.
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  • Van Helsing telling Seward and Jonathan "She will become one herseeeelf!!!" in an overly dramatic and hammy fashion. When asked to repeat himself, he says it in the exact same way.
  • The whole exchange between Jonathan and Van Helsing when Jonathan has to kill Lucy. Van Helsing tells Jonathan that he (Jonathan) must be the one to do it, and sets Jonathan up in front of the body with a stake and mallet. Van Helsing then goes to stand behind a pillar, and Jonathan bangs the stake into her heart and a veritable geyser of blood erupts, drenching him.
    Jonathan: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
    Van Helsing: She just ate!
    Jonathan: Ah! She's still alive!
    Van Helsing: Do it again!
    Jonathan: Oh, no, I can't...
    Jonathan: [very lightly taps the stake and EVEN MORE BLOOD sprays out, leaving him further drenched]
    Van Helsing: [peeks his head out from behind the pillar] She's ALMOST dead!
    Jonathan: ......She's DEAD ENOUGH! [chucks the hammer over his shoulder]
    • The scene was also, it should be noted, Enforced Method Acting. Steven Weber had no idea how much stage blood was going to be shooting out, and you can tell he's struggling to keep a straight face. After the second burst, he's wearing a look that screams that "I should have seen it coming." He even throws his hands up in the air like "Of course."
    • And then shortly after that...
      Van Helsing: I have been to many, many stakings. You have to know where to stand. You know, everything in life is location, location, location...
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    • Before that, they force Lucy back to her coffin, and we get this exchange:
      Jonathan: Now she's dead!
      Van Helsing: No, she is not!
      Jonathan: She's alive?
      Van Helsing: She is Nosferatu!
      Jonathan: She's Italian?
    • From the same scene, Van Helsing tells Jonathan that Lucy has to be killed by someone who loved her in life. Jonathan protests that he merely liked Lucy, prompting a "close enough" from Van Helsing.
    • After they are finished staking Lucy.
      Jonathan: Oh, this is ghastly.
      Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!
  • "Renfield, you asshole!"
    • Followed by Renfield tearfully gathering his Master's ashes into a pile and drawing a smiley-face on it to make it better.
      • And concluding with Dr. Seward commenting that Renfield is now free to be his own man, and Renfield slowly realizing it's true.
        Dr. Seward: Come along, Renfield.
        Renfield: (Same voice as before) Yes, Master!
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  • Dracula's Pivotal Wake Up being interrupted by him hitting his head.
    Dracula: I must move the coffin. Or the chandelier.
  • After Dracula breaks up his brides' attempt to "wrong" Renfield's brains out, they begin to glide out, with the same ethereal creepy music that played when they came in. After a second, Dracula snaps "And stop that!", and they just trudge out.
    • This:
  • The Running Gag with Dracula and Van Helsing each trying to get in the last word in "ancient Moldavian." Also possibly relevant to the plot, as Van Helsing realizes that Dracula, like the mysterious vampire, never gives up.
    Dracula: I see, Mr. Van Helsing, that you are a man who likes to have the last word. I will not be drawn into such a childish exercise. (Mutters something in Moldavian)
    Van Helsing: Ha ha! It is immaterial to me who has the last word- (Moldavian word)
    Dracula: It is getting late. We'll carry on this conversation at another time. Good night. (Closes the door... and mutters Moldavian just before it shuts)
    Van Helsing: Such arrogance... it is easy to see why the decadent aristocracy is dying out in that part of the world. (Opens the door to shout Moldavian) Gentlemen, our work is not done. The vampire is still among us. You must remember, he is cunning, he has the wisdom of centuries, and above-all, he will never give up!
    Dracula: (Passing by the open window to say something in Moldavian)
    • Even in death...
  • Dracula's attempt to hypnotize the attendant at the opera, telling her to tell Dr. Seward there's a message for him in the lobby, as a pretense for Dracula to meet him. Then as she approaches the curtain to Seward's booth...
    Dracula:...And you will remember nothing of what I have told you.
    The attendant nods, flings open the curtain to look at Seward and his companions, says nothing, and closes the curtains. She turns and acts as though seeing Dracula for the first time
    Attendant: May I help you, sir?
    Dracula: [mockingly] May I help you, sir? What is the matter with you, why did you not tell him?
    Attendant: About what?
    Dracula: About the message.
    Attendant: For who?
    Dracula: Never mind! I will tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you shall receive no tip!
    Attendant: No tip!?
    Dracula: Oh, now THAT, you remember!
    • To compound the comedy, just after Dracula introduces himself and begins a conversation with Dr. Seward, the attendant — back in the trance — returns and delivers the message after all. Cue Dracula staring in stunned silence as Seward excuses himself to take his "message."
  • Renfield has a nice spot of tea with Dr. Seward to prove he's not insane but can't resist eating insects around him, which Seward notices.
    Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your liiiiiiife!
  • "I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything!" (Beat) "I saw EVERYTHING."
  • The Dance of the Undead. Mina and Dracula strike a pose... at which point the Count's Living Shadow proceeds to start screwing Mina's.
  • Van Helsing asks if Dracula is related to Vlad the Impaler, before giving a gory description of Vlad's atrocities. Dracula's response? "They had it coming."
  • The medical examination scene. Everyone faints as Van Helsing conducts an autopsy except for one snot-nosed punk, who also faints after he's forced to examine the brain.
    Maid: Ooh, professor! Ten out of ten!
    Van Helsing: Ja. I still got it!
  • Lucy, now a vampire, attempts to seduce Jonathan. Jonathan defends with British Stuffiness! Lucy counters with Gag Boobs (which are also British)!
  • Dracula's reaction to the strands of garlic in Lucy's bedroom.
  • Renfield trying to imitate Dracula's graceful swoop from his asylum window — and failing miserably.
    Dracula: Renfield, I fly. You... don't.
  • Renfield realizing that the good guys are tailing him, so he tries to lose them.
    Renfield: I know what they're up to. They think I'll lead them to the master! I must outsmart them! [He runs in a small square while never leaving the frame] Lost 'em!
    Van Helsing: Gentlemen, we are fortunate!
    Dr. Seward: Why?
    Van Helsing: He's an imbecile!
  • "You'll stay here till you rot!" Less than five seconds later: "Well, you're free to go."
  • Dracula's unnatural power in the final confrontation leads to him defeating all of the heroes, and grabbing Johnathan by the throat. He begins a pretty damned scary and badass speech about how he is utterly invincible, everyone is going to die, and there is nothing in the world that they can do to stop aaaaaaand then he gets poked in the eyes, by Johnathan, Three Stooges style.
  • Introducing Van Helsing:
    Dr. Seward: Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
    Van Helsing: And gynaecology.
    Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.
  • Renfield: Master! Master! (Beat) I mean, Mister! Mister!