Creator's Culture Carryover: Hogwarts is in Britain, but you wouldn't know it with all the American cultural references this story contains.
Fantastic Racism: Draco mostly averts a prejudiced world view, but at one point calls Ebony a "fucking poser muggle bitch" in an attempt by the author to prove that he's still in character.
Favors for the Sexy: The salesman in one of the punkgoff stores decides to give Ebony a dress for free because she looks seductive in it.
Salesman: You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit.
Flanderization: The Out of Character characterization and writing style get unbelievably worse with each passing chapter, most notably after the time travel segment. Of course, this only applies if you take the viewpoint that the author is, in fact, an internet troll. The first few chapters were supposedly done with Raven proofreading it, which explains why they're easier to understand than the rest.
Freudian Excuse: Volxemort's evil behavior is "explained" as being rooted in the aftermath of a love relationship gone sour. In Professor Trevolry (or Professor Sinister's) own words, "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?"
There is at least one instance of the author referring to Sirius as "Sodomize" and Cornelius Fudge as "Cornelio Fuck".
An apparent case of Mister Seahorse: "Vampire" attacks Lupin and Snape by "pointing his womb".
Full-Name Ultimatum: The one that many readers seem to remember occurs when Ebony confronts Vampire by a first-and-last-name combo.
Ebony: VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Funetik Aksent: The author lapses out of using dialogue that depicts speech peculiarities at times. Most famously, the word "goffik".
Gratuitous Japanese: Employed by Professor Sinister and to a lesser extent Ebony. What makes the use of this especially strange is that nowhere in the fic does any character show a liking for anime, J-pop, or anything else pertaining to Japanese culture.
Ebony likes the word "kawaii", using it incorrectly on almost every occasion: kawaii (pronounced 'kawa-ee', not 'kah-why') doesn't map exactly to the English word 'cute'; rather, 'kawaii' describes the concept of cuteness, and carries with it overtones of innocence, youthfulness and childhood. It's essentially the concept of looking like/behaving like a child. However, the 'kah-why' pronunciation does give you a similar word, kowai, which means scary or creepy. The 'Kawai' misspelling gives you a make of piano◊.
The use of "Hajimemashite". On one occasion, Enoby meets up with one of her friends, and the other character says "Hajimemashite, gurl!". 'Hajimemashite' is what you say to someone upon first meeting them, not something you would say to a friend.
Hero Antagonist: Applies to Dumbledore (or whatever the hell his name is at the moment), at times bordering on being an example of Hardy Boys Investigation. Ebony and friends basically do nothing except whine while Dumbledore flies in to save them every time things get out of hand. And the "goffs" still hate him for no reason.
The author repeatedly interrupts the story to ramble about how "hott" gay men are, then insults her flamers by calling them "gay fags".
After Evony finds out that Draco has slept with Vampire, she thinks he must have AIDs, despite the fact that she drinks human blood with her cereal.
IKEA Erotica: Some of the sex scene descriptions are clinically mechanical to a fault. An especially notable example: "He put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."
I Know You Know I Know: This example of dialogue is a paragon of paranoid circular overthinking.
I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew.
Informed Attribute: It's mentioned a couple of times that Ebony is bisexual (such as Draco narrating "I'm bi and so is Ebony") but she never shows any sexual interest in women during the story.
In Name Only: This is not a Harry Potter fanfiction. This is an original story with characters named after those in the Harry Potter series. Said characters immediately proceed to change their names to something else, at which point it stops being a Harry Potter fanfic even in name.
In-Series Nickname: Several characters are given "goffic" nicknames. Harry is "Vampire", Hermione is "B'loody Mary", Ron is "Diabolo", Neville is "Dracola", etc.
Invisibility Cloak: Vampire's black cloak is the worst invisibility cloak ever, since apparently people can see it while in use. From Chapter 21:
He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. "EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded.
Ironic Hell: Chapter 39 is a hacked-in, hijacked fix-it attempt by another writer to terminate the story and right the great wrongs the main author has unleashed so far. As part of this, Ebony is sent to Hell and forced to wear "prep" style clothing for eternity — and when she tries to remove said clothing, another example appears underneath it ad nauseum.
For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag. Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister. Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.
The most infamous of these has to be Loopin "masticating" while watching Enony. She later spells it "mastabating" with an author's note pointing out that she spelled it right this time!
The author serially misspeaks, fracturing the English language left and right. Presumably she or Raven just let their spellchecker make its best guesses and never looked back.
I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco
Meaningful Name: The "Raven" part of Ebony's name refers to the author's friend, Raven. After she stops being friends with Raven, she changes Ebony's name to "Ebony Darkness Dementia TARA Way". Then, she reverts it later on.
Mister Seahorse: Assuming it's not yet again another typo, it would appear that the supposedly male character Vampire is hermaphroditic.
“ABRA KEDAVRA!” Vampire yelled pointing his womb.
Modern AU Fic: The story is set in the early 2000s, not in the 1990s of the book series. This is most clearly shown by the copious references to pop culture from that later time period, such as Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance.
Mood-Swinger: Ebony's emotional fluctuations are so extreme that the reader may reasonably suspect she’s bipolar. Draco also has a mood swing at one point.
Morton's Fork: As mentioned, if you live in Tara Land, you can either try to be goffic, in which case you're a poser and you suck, or not, in which case you're a prep and you suck. Without being a legit goff, Tom Rid won't give you the "real" goffic clothes. But you can't be a "real" goff without them, so you can't get the "real" goffic clothes unless you already have them. Oh, and you're not considered a true goff unless you know all goffic knowledge, but if you didn't have said information at some point, then you're a poser. Wait, what? Are you just supposed to be born knowing the lyrics to MCR songs? How did Ebony and friends become legit goffs anyway? We're told the Harry Potter characters the author likes became goffic, which means they must have been preps before (since all non-goffs are "preps" in Tara Land), so how did they get the clothes and why weren't they considered posers for having to be told about MCR? It seems to be that you can become a "real goff" if you're suicidally depressed and/or have suffered horrible traumas, as Draco "used to want to commit suicide all the time", Vampire Potter has "gone through horrible problems", B'loody Mary is traumatised by the loss of her real parents, and Jenny and Diabolo's dad "raped them and stuff".
Mundane Made Awesome: The author describes getting dressed with as much care and attention to detail (by her standards, anyway) as other writers describe epic battle sequences.
My Girl Is Not a Slut: One of the excessive number of author notes pretty much says this word for word.note If you need to argue about it, you're not making a very strong case for yourself. In spite of the author's claims, Ebony really is a slut, what with her randomly screwing "Vampire" Potter in the middle of a crowd, even though she hated him, for no real reason.
Negative Continuity: The story lacks even the most rudimentary sense of cohesion. For example, characters disappear and reappear inexplicably (some coming back from the dead) and are inconsistently portrayed, frequently appearing Out of Character.
Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: According to the LRM dramatic reading, all Slytherins manage to combine a welter of improbably wide-ranging personal characteristics, given that they're apparently "Goffik bi Satanist Slytherin magic users".
No Ending: The author's account was hacked into twice. The first put up a parody Death Fic as chapter 39 where Ebony dies and canon and sanity are restored. The second attempt locked her out completely, meaning that the story abruptly ends when Ebony is about to kill Voldemort.
Obligatory Swearing: This fanfic revels in spicing up the characters' canonic suitable-for-all-ages dialogue with gratuitous swearing, especially Cluster F-Bombs, to achieve an ultra-cool Darker and Edgier effect.
Voldemort: If thou doth not kill him, then I shall kill him anyways!
Oh, My Gods!: "Oh my Satan" is used a number of times by the Satanist characters.
Our Vampires Are Different: Vampirism seems to be relatively meaningless here. Apparently they can be killed by a cross (a word which Enoby even refuses to say, except when she doesn't) or by a steak (so they should avoid restaurants and butcher's shops).
Pair the Suitors: Inverted. Vampire and Draco used to be a couple, but broke up and are now both in love with Ebony.
The Peeping Tom: Ebony is spied on through a window by Snap and Loopin, the former filming her while the latter "masticates."
Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.
Plot Hole: Scads and scads of examples. Several story ideas are dropped and not taken up again, and characters do things for puzzling and often Out of Character reasons. Characters even die and reappear without explanation. The fic makes Swiss cheese look airtight.
Point of View: The story is primarily told in first-person, but very briefly switches to second-person in Chapter 37.
Present-Day Past: Made even worse by author's notes talking about it. The author's friend Raven provides the page quote. Hilariously, the story was started in 2006 and the references are already becoming dated. For example, Ebony's mention that Joel Madden is dating Hilary Duff (they broke up a few months after that was written, and Madden now has two children with Nicole Richie, whom he met after Duff). Additionally, Twilight is conspicuous by its absence. If the fic were written now, the author would have endlessly reminded us whether she considers Twilight a "goff" thing or a "poser" thing.
Ebony and Harry's both having precognition abilities. Guess whose power is stronger.
Voldemort knowing about Ebony and Draco's relationship thanks to "telekinesis."
Whatever allowed Enoby and B'loody Mary to talk to each other in silence whilst watching DasniteMARE b4 xmas.
Punctuation Shaker: Extraneous apostrophes are sprinkled throughout in a misguided attempt to add edginess and splash. Notably applies to the names Ebony Dark'ness and B'loody Mary, for starters.
Random Events Plot: There's no rhyme or reason as to why anything happens in this story — no logical unfolding of events, no significant feel of cause and effect — in fact, no proper plot. One could just as easily write the scene summaries on slips of paper, toss them into the air, and pick them up in random order and it would make just about as much sense as the original.
Rape as Backstory: The fic manages to combine rape and dead parents in a typically off-hand manner.
It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
Real Life Writes the Plot: The single chapter rename of the main character and expulsion of "Willow" was due to some falling out between the author and Raven in real life.
Retcon: The story continually reframes past events to serve a current plot need, as in this example: Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now, not Griffindoor. )
Rouge Angles of Satin: Is freakin' made of this trope, given that bizarre misspellings are the norm here. This includes the main character's name, misspelt half the time as "Enoby".
Sadistic Choice: As mentioned, the plot hinges primarily on Voldemort giving Ebony the choice between her killing Vampire or him killing both Vampire and Draco (no effort is made to explain why he's bothering to do it this way). There's also the sequence in Chapter 30 when Snap, having taken Ebony, Draco and Vampire captive, shows Ebony the "Dork Mark on his you-know-wut" and threatens to "rap Draco!1" if Ebony doesn't stab Vrompire (Ebony's agonising over the decision primarily revolves around which of them is the more "smexy"). Neither of these are followed up on.
Said Bookism: Nearly every exchange of dialogue involves one of these, ranging from the basic "said [adverb]" to "Lupin slurped as he sat in chains." "Shouted angrily" shows up a lot, too.
"Scooby-Doo" Hoax: Subverted in that the chosen disguise wasn't intended to scare people away. Voldemort and the 'death dealers' attempt a method of espionage which involves disguising themselves as My Chemical Romance — not with polyjuice potion, as one might suspect, but with wearable costumes and masks. Basically, Voldemort dons a Gerard Way face mask and steals his clothes. And of course, it fools everyone.
Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful!: Ebony not surprisingly thinks her alleged physical attractiveness gives her carte blanche to do as she pleases, although she's only "beautiful" by the standards of this 'verse.
Second-Person Narration: The story briefly dips into this in chapter 37, then switches back to first person. This sentence is especially noteworthy: "You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes."
Self-Harm: Ebony and her friends slit their wrists when they're unhappy about something — which is apparently a frequent occurrence.
Serious Business: The "preps" vs. "goffs" conflict seems to be equal to — nay synonymous with — that canonical good vs. evil thing.
Shaped Like Itself: A character wearing black clothes is stated to not have a nose, "basically like Voldemort in the movie". The character in question is Voldemort.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is directly referenced when Enoby calls someone a "son of a bitca" and then adds an author's note reading "buffy rox".
In chapter 41, Enoby claims that she needs the timtoners in order to go through time.
Sidekick: Ebony occasionally has Willow or B'loody Mary as their allied friend and helper; like Ebony herself, however, they pretty much never get anything useful done.
Slow Clap: When Ebony and Draco make up in Biology class during Chaoter 15, the rest of the class applauds as they leave despite Lupin trying to scold them for not asking.
Snow Means Love: Ebony and Draco first spoke when it was snowing. Most likely just a coincidence.
So Beautiful, It's a Curse: Ebony, of course, considers her (supposed) attractiveness to be a burden to be lived with reluctantly.
"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here?...Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"
Spiritual Successor: Several imitations of this infamous fanfic have cropped up, none quite as hilarious in their badness as the original.
Stealth Parody: Many readers assume the story is satirical, not wanting to accept that the author may have written this seriously. Unfortunately, a frighteningly-accurate parody of truly execrable fan fic can be hard to distinguish from a truly execrable fan fic.
Tag Team Suicide: Narrowly averted when Ebony and Draco decide not to go through with successive suicide temptations.
To reviewers. ("U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes (HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?").
That Came Out Wrong: "Draco and I came. It was.......Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!" .....Okay, either the reveal was really exciting (it wasn't) or those two really need to stop having sex at the first chance. It's seriously getting out of hand. Too bad she didn't learn the first time she did it and kept on using "X came" lines. Her spelling doesn't help:
Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts.
"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"
There Are No Therapists: The only way of dealing with life-changing trauma in the MIverse is to become goffik and/or commit suicide. Getting a psychiatric attitude adjustment apparently doesn't enter into the realm of possibility.
Timey-Wimey Ball: At the point where Ebony goes back in time, the fanfic loses anything resembling coherence. Not that it had much to begin with, mind you...
Trademark Favourite Food: Evony's go-to morning repast is Count Chocula prepared with blood instead of milk.
Two-Teacher School: Only three teachers from the original Harry Potter series (not including Dumbledore) make an appearance: Lupin, McGonagall, and Snape.
Unabashed B-Movie Fan: One of Ebony's favourite films is apparently the infamous Shark Attack 3, a film almost as lovably idiotic as the fic she stars in. Needless to say, this is in keeping with the inconsistency of her supposed personal culture: Shark Attack 3 does not have even the remotest connection to "goffickness".
Undead Tax Exemption: After Ebony goes back in time, she declares that she's a new student and that she's in Slytherin. No one questions this.
Draco commits suicide at the end of Chapter 10. No, he does not attempt suicide, he commits it, and is found dead. This is never mentioned again — and in fact, he simply reappears with no explanation four chapters later.
Ebony shoots Snape and Lupin several times with the gun Voldemort gave her. Although they're later sent to St. Mangos hospital (supposedly for being paedophiles, however), Lupin is back to teaching Ebony's biology class a few chapters later.
Weaksauce Weakness: Apparently, vampires can't even write the word cross. They sometimes not only forget this but wear cross earrings. To top things off, they're also vulnerable to steak.
Professor McGoogle's last appearance is rather early as well.
Why Don't Ya Just Shoot Him?: In chapter 23, Voldemort confronts Ebony, Vampire, and Draco. Voldemort tells Ebony that she has failed her mission and that now he will kill her and Vampire. Ebony says "Plz don't make me kill him plz!". Voldemort's response is to threaten to kill them again, then flee. Really, Voldemort could have just killed Ebony, Draco, and Vampire. Why would Ebony saying no prevent him from killing them all on the spot?
Writer on Board: The writer gleefully takes wholesale characterization liberties in order to support the assumptions that "goffs" are cool and "preps" stink. As a result, none of the folks from the Harry Potter universe bear the faintest resemblance to canon.
Yaoi Fangirl: The author interrupts the narrative several times to mention how hot gay/bi men are. Oddly, she insults her reviewers by calling them "gay fags" in the author's notes. And after Evony finds out that Draco has slept with Vampire, she thinks he must have AIDs!
borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?"
