Funny / Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 5

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Season 5

"Buffy vs. Dracula" (5x01)

• Buffy's response to Dracula after he introduces himself to her is to look at him for a long moment, then break into a wide grin and exclaim, "Get out!"
• This exchange after Xander and Willow catch up to Buffy and Dracula in the cemetery:
  Xander: [after seeing Dracula] Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
  Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
  Xander: No, we're not going to [imitates Dracula's accent] "leave you." And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? [imitating the Count] "Von, two, three—three victims! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
  [Dracula glares at Xander]
  Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
  Xander: [jumps and quickly gets behind Buffy] Wow, really? [to Dracula] Sorry, man. I was just jokin' around.
• Willow, as the only Scooby in whom Giles has confided his intention to move to England, makes a transparent attempt to make him feel he's needed in Sunnydale.
  Willow: [about Dracula turning into a bat] The whole time, I was thinking, "Gosh, I wish Giles were here. He'd know what to do." Didn't you guys...think that?
  Buffy: Actually, I was more thinking, "Bat!"
• Xander being dismissed by Dracula as "strange and off-putting" after Dracula hypnotizes him.
• Spike hating Dracula because "that poncy bugger" owes him eleven pounds.
• Xander is trying not to let everyone else know that he's been brainwashed by Dracula:
  Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master!
  [Everybody looks at him funny]
  Xander: ...bator.
  • It gets even funnier not long after:
    Xander: I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince.
    [Everybody looks at him funny again]
    Xander: ...bator.
• Xander catches Riley in Dracula's castle and basically tells him "You Shall Not Pass!." Riley's response? Deck Xander right in the face.
  Riley: Okey-dokey. [continues on]
• Riley's Unwanted Rescue of Giles.
  Giles: Oh, my shoe. Silly me, I'll just pop...
  Riley: No, NO, NO, sir! No more chick pit for you.
• Xander ranting after Dracula is defeated, all the while Buffy, Giles, and Riley stand and listen:
  Xander: Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?!
  Buffy: He's gone.
  Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis! As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's Butt-Monkey!
  Buffy: Check. No more butt monkey.
  • Followed by this:
    Riley: At least you weren't makin' time with the Dracu-babes, like Giles here.
    Giles: I was not making time. [covering his half-bare chest with his arms] I was about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me.
    Riley: Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?
    Giles: Of course not! [everyone else leaves] I was in complete...control!
• Buffy taking out Dracula again after he rises from her staking.
  Buffy: You think I don't you ever watch your movies? You always come back.
  • He tries to come back again, right in front of her, and she says, "I'm standing right here!" after which he quickly dissipates again.

"Real Me" (5x02)

• Giles has difficulty with his new car.
  Giles: Blast!
  Buffy: You put it in neutral again, huh?
  Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, it's not working out.
  Buffy: Are you breaking up with your car?
  Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
  Buffy: Little two-door tramp.
  • Followed by this:
    Giles: I was so at a loose end that I found myself searching for some way of feeling more...
    Buffy: Shallow?
    Giles: Perhaps, as I am to be your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.
    Buffy: Do I have to?
    Giles: I'm serious, Buffy. There's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous—
    Dawn: Hey, there's Willow and Tara!
    Giles: [grinning] Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.
• This excellent bit of innuendo:
  Dawn: [narrating] She [Tara] and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wish they'd teach me some of the things they do together... and she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.
• This:
  Willow: I've cross-checked the inventory list and things are definitely missing, mostly books. Including A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer.
  Buffy: Oh, shoot! Was that the only copy?
  • Giles then cautions Buffy about whoever stole the book might be searching for weaknesses of the Slayer...only to then marvel over how high the store's profit margins are, among other things.
• "Sire-whipped."
• Xander's adventures in babysitting:
  Joyce: [to Dawn] Be good.
  Xander: Oh, we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from... some guy, I don't know his name. [winks at Dawn]
• Anya discovering that it's great to have more money than the other players in a board game and excitedly asking if she can trade in her player's kids for more cash.
• Dawn's narration about how Xander sees her as the woman she really is, played over her smiling at him with chocolate ice cream all over her mouth.
• Anya has to have the game of Life explained to her.
  Anya: Crap. Look at this. Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
  Xander: ...That means you're winning.
  Anya: Really?
  Xander: Yes. Cash equal good.
  Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?
• Harmony's calling-out note to Buffy, which has a smiley-face "O".
• The cut from Harmony calling Buffy out to fight to her questioning Xander at the doorway of the Summers home.
  Harmony: What do you mean, she's not in there? She has to be. I'm calling her out!
  Xander: Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call. Afraid you and your buddies'll have to be killed by Buffy later.
  • Followed by Xander bursting into laughter after Harmony informs him that her "buddies" are her "minions," and Harmony demanding he stop laughing.
  • Also, Xander assuring Dawn he's handling Harmony after she (Dawn) tells Harmony to "Shut up"...then turning back to Harmony and saying "Shut up, Harmony!" Followed by this:
    Harmony: Make me.
    Xander: I don't feel like another hair-pulling contest with you.
    Harmony: You're the hair-puller, you big girl!
• Xander kicking an attacking Harmony out the doorway and right into her minions.
• Three Words: "Harmony has minions?" Buffy completely loses it with laughter, making this an In-Universe CMOF.
  • The fact that it's a cut from Xander saying "Buffy is not going to be happy about this" to her laughing makes it funnier.
  • Even Riley has a hard time not laughing.
• One of Harmony's minions expresses a desire for fighting. Cue Spike tapping his shoulder and slugging him.
  Spike: Happy to oblige. I thought it was gonna be a slow night. [to the rest of the minions] Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all.
• Spike and Harmony's entire conversation, but particularly the part where Harmony tells Spike she has a gang now and is planning to kill Buffy:
  Harmony: I've got my own gang now.
  Spike: Is that what those circus freaks are?
  Harmony: Uh-huh. I mean, shut up! We're gonna kill the Slayer.
  Spike: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune.
  Harmony: I'm not gonna make the mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books.
  Spike: What, Evil for Dummies? Look at you, all puffed-up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's... well, let's face it; it's adorable.
  • And the part where Harmony steals Spike's guess of her Evil Plan against Buffy for herself.
    Harmony: I've got a plan.
    Spike: Let me guess—snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing?
    Harmony: No. Much, much better one.
    [Spike raises his eyebrows questioningly]
    Harmony: I'm not gonna tell you!
    Spike: Thought as much. [walking off] Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.
    Harmony: I'll do that. And after Buffy is gone, I'm gonna kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me. Spike! [turns to her minions] Guys! New plan.
• Xander still has trouble not calling Dracula "Master".
• Buffy confronts Harmony:
  Harmony: So, Slayer, at last we meet.
  Buffy: We've met, Harmony, you halfwit.
• This line from Giles after he takes over the magic shop:
  Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is no different except now people pay for the things they never return.
• This must have been a strange evening.
  Buffy: Wow, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?
  Giles: ...I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

"The Replacement" (5x03)

• Listening to his parents fight, Xander is thinking of finding somewhere else to live.
  Xander: Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?
• Buffy critiques the kung fu movie.
  Buffy: See? Now with the flying kick. From a dead stop. What's powering it, raw enthusiasm?
  Riley: Hey, Buff, maybe you ought to leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on Slayer duty, you know.
  Buffy: It would drive you crazy if we were watching...an army movie, and they were all...saluting backwards and...invading all willy-nilly.
• In an attempt to fend off Toth, Giles brandishes a heavy statue at him.
  Toth: That is a fertility god. Feeble man, you are not likely to strike—
  [Giles brains him with the statue]
• While searching for Toth in a junkyard, the Scoobies come across Spike and ask him what he's doing there, leading to this reply:
  Spike: There's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tearoom over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I?
  • Our heroes then ask him if he's seen Toth:
    Giles: Spike, we're looking for a demon. Tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off, deep voice.
    Spike: You mean a great, tall, robey thing like that one? [points at Toth standing a few feet behind the Scoobies]
  • During the ensuing fight, Spike encourages Toth to "Kick [Buffy's] ass"...only for Toth use his staff weapon to destroy an object he had been admiring moments earlier, leading to this priceless response from Spike:
    Spike: Oh, very nice! I was on your side! [tosses the destroyed object to the ground]
• One of the Xanders tries to prove himself to Willow by doing the Snoopy dance.
• When Buffy and Dawn are bickering, Joyce snarks, "This must be my 'two teenage girls in the house' headache. I thought it felt familiar."
• After Anya suggests she should have sex with both Xanders, Giles, who's down on the floor drawing a mystical symbol needed to reintegrate the two Xanders, makes a face that screams "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!"
  Giles: [standing back up] We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
• Giles remarking that Xander is a bad influence on himself after both Xanders say "Kill us both, Spock!" and Willow says they're kind of the same now.

"Out of My Mind" (5x04)

• This lovely exchange after the opening fight scene:
  Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home. [walks off with Riley]
  Spike: [defensively] It's blood! It's what I do!
• Spike makes a short but badass speech about killing Buffy, then turns and strolls off... only to fall into an open grave.
  Spike: Ow!
• Spike sitting in his crypt watching Dawson's Creek.
  Spike: Oh, Pacey, you blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?
• Spike and Harmony's exchange after she enters the crypt.
  Harmony: Didn't you hear? I'm totally [Buffy's] arch-nemesis!
  Spike: Is that right? I must've missed the memo.
  Harmony: There was a mem—Spike, oh my God! This is, like, a real emergency!
• Buffy saying Spike must be doing something really nasty in his crypt. Cut to Spike and Harmony playing 20 Questions:
  Spike: Okay, is it bigger than a breadbox?
  Harmony: No. Four left.
  Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
  Harmony: No! Only three!
  Spike: [irritable] Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?
  Harmony: Yes! Oh, my God! Someone's Blondie Bear's a 20 Question genius!
• After Buffy barges into Spike's crypt:
  Buffy: I've got a proposition for you.
  Spike: Funny. I've got a proposition for you: What about knocking?
  • Spike then gets distracted by the dollar bills Buffy starts counting.
  • Then, he demands he get half of the money now. Buffy's response? Tear the dollar bills in half, and give one half to Spike.
  • Harmony emerges from hiding and asks "So, what'd she say about me?"
• Just after Spike assures the doctor that nothing bad will happen to him as long as he removes the chip, a bolt from the crossbow Harmony has been threatening him with embeds itself in the wall.
  Harmony: [sheepish grin] Oops. String was slippy.
• Dr. Overheiser asks Harmony to put out the cigarette, and she responds defiantly...until he points out the no-smoking sign, and she apologizes and puts it out.
• There's a tense standoff with Spike, Harmony, Buffy, and Riley. Suddenly, the tense music cuts out as Harmony's crossbow fires a bolt into Riley's leg.
  Harmony: Oops.
• There's something hilarious about Spike finding a penny, glaring at the doctor in full vamp face, and simply stating what's he holding before fleeing with Harmony.
• Spike's rant after he and Harmony flee from Buffy.
  Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there! That nasty little face! That bouncing shampoo-commercial hair! That whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude! She follows me, tracks me down! I'm her pet project! Drive Spike 'round the bend! Makes every day a fresh bout of torture!
  • After the fifth sentence, Harmony interjects, "Aren't we unholy by definition?"
• Spike waking up from a sexy dream about Buffy, saying, "Oh, god, no. Please, no."

"No Place Like Home" (5x05)

• Giles, when Buffy sees him in the Magic Box, is dressed in a full wizard outfit. Buffy stares at him; Giles stares back. She still stares at him; he still stares back. Buffy still stares at him, and Giles finally takes the hint and slowly, reluctantly, removes the hat.
  • Willow, upon seeing him, immediately pouts that he isn't wearing the hat and robe.
• Dawn come in and looks around.
  Dawn: Whoa. Mr. Giles, this place is so...wow. I mean, check out all the magic junk.
  Giles: Our new slogan.
• Buffy shows the Scoobies the Dagon Sphere from the previous night.
  Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
  Willow: How can you tell?
  Giles: Well, it's so shiny.
• When Buffy mentions that the security guard who went insane found the Dagon Sphere, Giles, Willow, and Anya back away from the sphere.
• The monk, in Czech, tells Glory to kill him.
  Glory: [in Czech] We're in the New World now, so please, for god's sake... [in English] ...speak American!
• Anya's idea of ending a transaction with a customer is, "Please go."
  Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They want me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
  Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
  Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
• When Buffy is meditating in her room.
  Dawn: What are you doing?
  Buffy: My boyfriend! Go away!
• Spike acting like a shy schoolboy talking to his crush after Buffy catches him outside her house.
  • Followed by this:
    Buffy: What are you doing here? [Spike starts to answer] Five words, or less.
    Spike: Out. For. A. Walk...Bitch.
    • For added humor, he's counting his words on his fingers- when he gets to four words, he adds "bitch" and puts his thumb up too, looking pleased with himself.
  • And then there's this:
    Spike: Contrary to one's self-involved worldview, your house happens to be directly between parts and...other parts of this town. I would pass by in the day, but I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.
    Buffy: Fine. Keep going. I cut you a break.
    Spike: Yeah, okay. Let me guess, you won't kill me? Ooh. The whole crowd-pleasing threats and swagger routine. Outstandingly original. I'm just passing through. Satisfied? I really hope so, 'cause God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard. And I never really liked you anyway. And...and you have stupid hair. [walks off]
• When Buffy starts freeing the monk from his bonds, Glory tries sneaking up behind her...only for Buffy to stand up, grab her, and say she's not stupid. Glory then tosses Buffy across the room.
  Glory: You sure about that last part?
  • During the sneaking-up part, Glory has this goofy expression on her face, putting a finger to her lips. It's giving, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting Swayers."
• Giles, Xander, and Willow are tired after selling goods to customers. Anya? Not so much.
  Giles: Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?
  Xander: Would that involve moving?
  Willow: My feet are numb.
  Xander: I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower-back pain.
  Giles: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.
  Anya: You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are popular with the amateurs. Better re-stock and raise the price ten percent. Make it fifteen.
  Giles: Anya...
  Anya: Cash register looks like a squirrel's nest.
  Giles: Anya...
  Anya: The Hand of Glory packs serious power. Better institute a check for—
  Giles: Anya! [Beat] Would you like a job?
  Anya: Okay.
  Giles: Good. Then we can talk shop...tomorrow.
  Anya: Okay. Boss.
• Buffy finally lands a punch on Glory, who reels.
  Glory: You hit me! What are you, crazy?! [Buffy kicks her] You can't go around... [Buffy punches her] ..hitting people. What, were you... [Buffy punches her twice] ...born in a barn? [Buffy kicks her] Fine. Be that way. [swings Buffy into a concrete pillar and tries to punch her, only for Buffy to dodge so she takes chunks out of the pillar, then grabs Buffy by the throat] I just noticed something. You have superpowers. That is so cool. Can you fly? [throws Buffy across the room]
• "Hey! Hands off my holy man!" Said by Glory after Buffy grabs the monk and makes an escape.
  • Glory starts to pursue them... only for her heel to break. Cue Glory throwing a childish tantrum that ends up bringing down the factory. You can see her mouthing, "Oh, shit."

"Family" (5x06)

• Giles being "patriarchal," complete with "pointing and scowling" at Xander and Riley wrestling with each other.
  Giles: You two, stop that! [cut to Riley with Xander in a headlock]
  Riley: He started it!
  Xander: He called me a bad name! I think it was bad! It might have been in Latin!
• Giles presses for more details about the mysterious blonde Buffy fought.
  Buffy: She was kind of like Cordelia, actually. I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair.
  Giles: Ah, yes, that one, of course. Our work is done.
• The way the show went all Does This Remind You of Anything? regarding Willow and Tara's Wiccan magic got kind of silly after a while. But when the characters themselves started doing it? Hilarious!
  [Talking about Tara's birthday]
  Buffy: Thinking there will be a lot of Wiccans there? Heavy Wiccan crowd?
  Xander: That's sort of her deal. Her and Willow are all Wiccie. Swinging with the Wiccan lifestyle.
  Buffy: Which is cool!
  Xander: Oh yeah.
  Buffy: I just hope we fit in, not awkward.
  Xander: With Willow, it is like she got this... whole new thing in her life. But she is still Willow, so I can always figure her out. But Tara, all I know is that she likes Willow. She already has one of those.
• Buffy and Xander are stuck on what to give Tara, and Giles points out that they are in a magic shop
  Xander: Well, we don't really know what kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
  Giles: You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.
• Buffy's Lame Excuse for forbidding Dawn from going over to Melinda's house.
  Buffy: Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging out with someone that...short.
  • Riley gets in a good snark. "Yeah, a lot of young people are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud."
• Glory asks a demon if it has any idea about a short blonde she fought. It answers in its language, and she says, "A Slayer? Oh, god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire Slayer. How unbelievably common. If I had friends and they heard about this..."
  • She tells the demon, "You have the cutest little suppurating sores. Has anyone ever told you that?"
• The whole gang defends Tara when her father arrives to take her away.
  Mr. Maclay: I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.
  Dawn: You don't wanna mess with us.
  Buffy: [deadpan] She's a hair-puller.
  Giles: And...you're not just dealing with two little girls.
  Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
  Spike: Except me.
  Xander: Except Spike.
  Spike: I don't care what happens.
  • Even funnier since it's Spike that ends up resolving the situation. Also kinda funny that his solution is to punch Tara in the face (since it activates his chip, proving that Tara is human).
• Giles gives the crystal ball to Tara. Then Dawn gives her a broomstick. A modern one.
• Dawn running around the Bronze like some hyperactive kid that Buffy has to collar, then complaining about the stamp she has to wear, leads to her being told it's so she won't be drinking alcohol.
  Dawn: Oh, please, only losers drink alcohol. [starts bouncing around to the music oblivious to everyone else looking guilty]

"Fool for Love" (5x07)

• Riley is dressing Buffy's wound.
  Buffy: I can't believe I passed out. Do you think I'm a total wuss now?
  Riley: [deadpan] Oh, yeah. I like a girl who can play a few hard sets of tennis with a major stab wound.
• Dawn's proud of herself for covering for Buffy, who's hiding her injury from Joyce.
  Dawn: Come on. Who's the man?
  Buffy: You are. A very short, annoying man. [...] [shows Dawn the bandage]
  Dawn: Oh, cool. [seeing Buffy's look] I-I mean, gross.
• Dawn asks when she gets to patrol. Buffy answers, "Not until you're never."
• "I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto."
• Many of the Smash Cuts in the show are funny, but the one that sticks out is the one in this episode, when Spike described himself as having "always been bad," before we see the nerdy William Pratt trying to write a poem for his beloved Cecily.
• "Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory. That, and burning baby fish swimming all 'round your head."
• Drusilla's odd reaction to Angel and Spike's quarrel.
  Darla: [singsong] I think our boys are going to fight!
  Drusilla: The King of Cups expects a picnic, but this is not his birthday!
  Darla: [Beat] Good point.
• The Visual Gag of the chaos demon, who's wearing a dressy jacket...with the slime from his antlers dripping all over it, apologetic and awkwardly extracting himself from the situation.

"Shadow" (5x08)

• Xander walks into the Magic Box complaining to Willow about Riley destroying the vampire nest without them in the previous episode.
  Xander: Am I right, Giles?
  Giles: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.
• Dreg's obsequious bowing and scraping to Glory. Like when she kicks off a shoe and it hits him in the head.
  Dreg: Ow! Thank you.
• Riley catches Spike in Buffy's bedroom sniffing her clothes.
  Riley: Were you just smelling her sweater?
  Spike: No. [Beat] Well, yeah, all right. I did. It's a predator thing. Nothin' wrong with it. Know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. [takes another sniff] That's the stuff. Slayer musk—it's bitter and aggravating. [growls]
  • Spike swiping a pair of Buffy's underwear as Riley hauls him out of the room.
• Spike's reaction after Riley grabs him and holds him out in the sun:
  Spike: Bloody— Pull me back in, you sod! I'm startin' to sizzle!
• After Anya finds out what Glory bought from the Magic Box.
  Anya: You sold someone a Kohl's Amulet and a Sobekium blood stone.
  Giles: Yes, I believe I did.
  Anya: Are you stupid or something?
  Giles: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
  • The awkward silence when Buffy asks how Glory got away with the stuff, followed by Anya stage-whispering, "Giles sold it to her."

"Listening to Fear" (5x09)

• Dawn goes off on this whole thing, while eating Jell-O, mind you.
  Dawn: It's good and wiggly. This girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground-up cow's feet and that, if you eat Jell-O, there's some cow out there limping with no feet, but I told her I'm sure they kill it before they take off their feet. Right.
  Joyce: [grossed out, gives Buffy a put-upon look]
  Buffy: You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.
• Xander acknowledges that he didn't do too well fighting the vampires.
  Xander: But I think I should get points just for showing up, unlike some Riley Finn who shall remain unnamed.
• Willow brings Dawn what appears to be a spellbook.
  Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them now has a book to teach her to...break things by looking at them?
• The Scoobies find the Queller's first victim, and Riley finds the sludge in the corpse's mouth, which from their reactions stinks really bad.
  Riley: That might be toxic. Don't touch it.
  Xander: Oh, yeah. Touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.
• This exchange while most of the Scoobies are researching the Queller:
  Xander: Look at how teeny Mercury is compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas, in contrast, the cars of the same name—
  Giles: Xander, please, we have work to do here.
  Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
  Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. [Beat] I did not say that.
• Spike trying to downplay being in Buffy's house in the middle of the night.
  Buffy: Spike?
  Spike: Uh, yeah. Listen, uh, did you hear a noise?
  Buffy: What the hell are you doing in my house?
  Spike: Right then, you caught me. Your basement's full of junk, and me being in need of, uh, junk—
  Buffy: You were stealing?
  Spike: Well, yeah, can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn. [slips something into his pocket]
  Buffy: Wait, are those pictures of me?
• Spike screaming in fear after the Queller jumps on him.

"Into the Woods" (5x10)

• Buffy hugging the surgeon who operated on Joyce and crushing his ribs.
• Dawn is at Xander and Anya's place. She shares a story about how she when was younger, she would put chopsticks in her mouth and Buffy would chase her around the house yelling "I'm the Slayer, I will get you!" Anya's response is a deadpan, "That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and it will end up badly".
  • This:
  Dawn: Alone time always translates into, "Let's get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex".
  Anya: Oh...does that mean we can't?
• After Buffy sees Riley getting sucked on by a vampire and runs out, Spike trolls him. "We only came here 'cause we care about you, friend. You need help."
• The large banner celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the Winter Solstice, & Gurnenthar's Ascendance in the Magic Box.
  Giles: And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization, I'm a purveyor of it.
• Giles cracking up laughing after Willow talks about painting the toenails of the chicken feet.
  • It's especially funny because it seems unscripted. It looks like Anthony Head is trying to keep it together while Alyson Hannigan says her line, and then he just loses it.
• This line from Anya:
  Anya: That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
  • It's better in context; she's talking to a chicken foot as she imagines them making fun of her.
• Anya is disappointed that Xander takes Willow's side in an argument:
  Anya: Take her side instead of mine. Even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you and bathes you.
  Willow: ...She bathes you?
• As he shares a drink with Riley, Spike muses about their respective positions in regards to Buffy.
  Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her...feeling her, feeling her beneath you...surrounding you—the scent. No. You got the better deal.

"Triangle" (5x11)

• Xander and Anya are wondering how Buffy is dealing with Riley leaving. Cut to a convent.
  • After Buffy dispatches a vampire, rescuing a nun:
    Buffy: So, um, about being a nun. You know, um, with the whole...abjuring the company of men, you know, how's that working for you? The abjuring.
    Nun: Um...good.
    Buffy: Yeah, do you have to be, like, super-religious?
    Nun: Well, uh—
    Buffy: How's the food?
• Giles and Buffy are talking about going to the Watchers for info on Glory.
  Giles: The resources that the Watchers Council has at its disposal... [faraway look] I mean, the central library alone is—
  Buffy: Don't talk about the books again. You get all...and sometimes there's drool.
• Anya insisting she can take care of things while Giles is out of town.
  Giles: Yes, well, Anya, while I completely trust you to take care of the inventory and the money, dealing with people requires a certain finesse.
  Anya: I have finesse! I have it coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods.
  Xander: See there? She'll be great.
• This exchange:
  Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
  Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
  Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Oh! But I met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.
  Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.
• Spike rehearsing speaking to Buffy in his crypt, using the Buffy mannequin.
  Spike: There's somethin' I got to tell you about showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to— Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed. By him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, pretty state you'd be in, thinkin' things were all right while he's toddlin' halfway 'round the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side. Me. Doin' you a favor, and you bein' dead petty about it! Me, gettin' nothin' but your hatred and your venom and— YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH! [starts hitting the mannequin with the box of chocolates] UNGRATEFUL BITCH! [stops, calms down, sets the mannequin back up, smooths out the chocolates, and starts again] Buffy, there's somethin' I wanted to tell you...
• Willow likens Anya to the fish in The Cat in the Hat, then has to explain it to her.
  Willow: It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl. A-and—But don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.
• Buffy breaking down in Tara's arms and ranting about how Xander and Anya "have a miraculous love."
• Willow's annoyance with Anya not knowing how to drive while they're out pursuing Olaf. Anya's justification for not saying was that she had to try it first to see if she was any good at it.
• When Olaf shows up:
  Xander: I'm gonna run get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
  Spike: I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
  • This exchange after Olaf asks Spike where there are babies to eat:
    Spike: [to Xander, in total seriousness] What do you think? The hospital?
    Xander: What? Shut up!
  • "They've got this onion thing..."
• Buffy entering immediately after Willow wishes she were there. Willow then wishes for a million dollars. ("Just checking.")
• Spike once again asking like a shy, enamored schoolboy towards Buffy.
• Willow starts to recite the reversal spell, only for Olaf to tell her to stop.
  Willow: Nobody lets me finish!
• Buffy catches Spike tending to an injured woman after Olaf leaves.
  Buffy: What are you doing?
  Spike: Makin' this woman more comfortable. I'm not samplin', I'll have you know. Just look at all the lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike. Not a lick. I know you wouldn't like it.
  Buffy: You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?
  Spike: Well, yeah.
  Buffy: You're disgusting. [leaves]
  Spike: What's it take?
• In all the chaos, Willow tries a spell to help...and only manages to make the cash register disappear again.
• Olaf saying Anya and Xander will never last turns out to be Buffy's Berserk Button in light of her own issues. She actually gets weepy before smacking him down.
  Buffy: [beating Olaf up] Their love... [hit] ...will last... [hit] ...forever!
• Anya revealing to Xander that she and Willow have solved their differences because they both love him. She then adds that Willow doesn't love him in that way since "you know, she's gay", to which Willow pulls the best face.
• Anya looks so Adorkable as she says that the spell sent Olaf to the land of trolls.
  Anya: He'll like it there. Full of trolls.
  • She also mentions a world without shrimp, to which Tara gets excited, because she's allergic. It almost looks like she's considering traveling to another dimension just because a food she's allergic to doesn't exist there.
  • This gets a Brick Joke in Angel where Illyria mentions a world where there is nothing but shrimp. She "tired of that one quickly."
• Buffy puts Olaf's hammer on the glass countertop... only for it to break the glass moments later. Oops.
• In the final scene, Giles shows just how thrilled he is with the state of the Magic Box while he was gone:
  Giles: I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer.
  Buffy: Maybe we would have had time to clean it up if Willow used some magics to help.
  Giles: Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that.

"Checkpoint" (5x12)

• Xander's hideous British accent. One can only wonder what Anthony Head's reaction was.
  'Allo, Buffy. Here's what we know, pip pip.
• This after the Council closes the Magic Box early.
  Giles: You all stand around and look somber.
  [They do just that]
  Giles: Good job.
• Giles assures the Council that Buffy has acquired a remarkable focus. Cut to her almost falling asleep in class. After getting humiliated by her professor, she takes her frustration out on a vamp:
  Buffy: Some of us are here to learn, Professor! Maybe you'd like to teach your own class!
  Vamp: [confused] Who are you talking to?
• Buffy trying to back out of the door after entering the Magic Box and seeing the Council, only to get caught.
• Clare Kramer's delivery really makes this.
  Glory: [leaning into Jinx] Sweet, lumpy minion. You're the only one that understands. Probably because I haven't sucked your brain out yet.
• Anya's interview with Phillip.
  Anya: Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins. Twenty years old. Born on the Fourth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.
  Phillip: So... you spell it A-N-Y-A, then?
• Willow's and Tara's interview with Nigel.
  Nigel: Well, I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer. And about both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
  Tara: O-ou-our relationship?
  Willow: We're friends.
  Tara: Good friends.
  Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
  Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
  Willow: We're in love. We're... lovers. Lesbian, gay-type lovers. [puts her hand on Tara's leg]
  Nigel: [deadpan] I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
  Tara: Um...just good friends.
• Lydia interviews Spike in his crypt while two other Watchers stand nearby, one holding a crucifix and the other aiming a crossbow at Spike.
  • This exchange:
    Spike: I pitch in when she pays me.
    Lydia: She pays you? She gives you money?
    Spike: Money, a nip of blood out of some stray victim, whatever.
    Lydia: Blood?
    Spike: Well, if they're gonna die anyway. Come to think of it, though, that's a bit scandalous, isn't it? Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slipping.
    Lydia: You've noticed a decline in her work?
    Spike: Oh, yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments, she'll be crying on my shoulder, mark my words.
  • Lydia grinning like a giddy schoolgirl after admitting that she wrote her thesis on Spike.
• Buffy brings Joyce and Dawn over to Spike's to have him protect them.
  Joyce: I love what you've, um, neglected to do with the place.
  Spike: Just don't break anything. And don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on.
  Joyce: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
  Spike: Oh! [he and Joyce each sit on his armchair] No, no, she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for God's sake.
  Joyce: Uh, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that.
  • Made even funnier by Dawn's total look of exasperation.
• Buffy calls for no interruptions from the Watchers as she calls them out. When Nigel tries, she just throws a sword that lands in the wall directly across his chest, cutting him off.
  • When she speaks up about the Scoobies, Lydia timidly raises her hand and says she doesn't want a sword thrown at her.
• During a reminder that the Scooby Gang is hardly a group of civilians:
  Buffy: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
  Anya: Willow's a demon?!
  • After having spent the entire episode trying to trying to convince the Council she's not a demon, no less.
• Giles coughing "retroactive" after Buffy demands that the Council reinstate him as her Watcher at full salary.
• This exchange after Travers assents to Buffy's terms:
  Travers: Rupert?
  Giles: Quentin?
  Travers: When we inventoried your shop, we found a bottle of single-malt scotch behind the incense holders—
  Giles: It's not, you know, during working hours—
  Travers: I think I could use a glass.
  Giles: Well, I suppose we could...

"Blood Ties" (5x13)

• Anya being even more incompetent than Xander at acting normal around Dawn, he tries a little redirect.
  Xander: Anya, you wanna help me with that thing?
  Anya: Xander needs help with his thing!
• Buffy asks Dawn about her day at school.
  Dawn: Um, the usual. Big square building filled with boredom and despair.
  Buffy: Just how I remember it.
• This:
  Dawn: I just think you're freaking out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?
  Buffy: [steps close to Dawn, mega-serious] Glory is evil, and powerful, and in no way prettier than me.
• Anya admires a dress that Tara and Willow gave Buffy for her birthday.
  Anya: Oh, it's just so lovely! Oh, I wish it was mine! [everyone looks at her] Oh, like you weren't all thinking the same thing.
  'Giles: I'm fairly certain I wasn't. [whispers to Xander] I've got one just like it.
• While sneaking out, Dawn runs into Spike outside.
  Dawn: Jeez! Lurk much?
  Spike: I wasn't lurkin'. I was standin' about. It's a whole different vibe.
  • Their whole exchange:
    Dawn: Are you giving Buffy a birthday present? Oh, my God. Weird. And chocolates? Lame. And the box is all bent. And, well, you know she'd never touch anything from you anyway.
    Spike: [menacingly steps closer to Dawn] Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?
    Dawn: [unfazed] Is that supposed to scare me?
    Spike: Little tremble wouldn't hurt.
    Dawn: Sorry, it's just... Come on, I'm badder than you.
    Spike: Are not!
    Dawn: Am too. You're in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm—
    Spike: What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?
• Dawn pesters Spike as he picks the lock on the Magic Box door.
  Dawn: Do you know how to do that or not?
  Spike: Give us a sec. I usually just burst through doors.
  • After he succeeds:
    Spike: That's right! [stands up and gives Dawn a hilariously smug expression] Who's bad now? [enters the shop]
• This line while Dawn is reading Giles' notes about the Key:
  Spike: Where did [Giles] learn to write so bloody small? From a fruit fly?
  • And this line after Dawn finds a reference to the monks charged with protecting the Key:
    Spike: Brown-robe types are always protecting something. It's the only way they can justify giving up girls.
• Spike finds Olaf's hammer, tries to lift it, and fails.
  Spike: Didn't go with my stuff anyway.
• Buffy confronts Spike, who's sitting on a tomb painting his fingernails, and wastes no time in removing the top, sending Spike falling into the tomb.
  Spike: Careful! These are wet.
  • Spike's What the Hell, Hero? at Buffy contains this funny line:
    Spike: Maybe if you had been more honest with her, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of Kick the Spike!
• Xander tells Giles that Dawn has a crush on him.
  Xander: You know, she kinda has a crush on me.
  Giles: Your point being?
  Xander: Oh, nothing, no. Just sayin'. Powerful being, big-energy gal digging the Xan-man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?
  [Giles storms off in annoyance]
• Willow and Tara using their teleportation spell on Glory:
  Willow: A teleportation spell. We're still working on the kinks.
  Buffy: Where'd you send her?!
  Willow: That's one of the kinks.
  [cut to Glory materializing high up in the air above Sunnydale]
  Glory: [realizing where she is] Oh shi--
  [cue wide shot of Glory careening towards the ground]
• Dawn asks if their mom is mad about the fire.
  Buffy: I think you sort of have a get-out-of-jail-free card on account of big love and trauma.
  Dawn: Really? Okay. Good. [they start walking out] Think she'd raise my allowance?
  Buffy: Don't push it.

"Crush" (5x14)

• Spike trying to cozy up to Buffy in the Bronze. He even ditches his trademark Badass Longcoat for a different style that doesn't fit him in the slightest.
• Xander chases Spike off.
  Anya: Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings.
  Xander: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. ...You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice.
• Spike swipes Xander's change to buy a drink from the bar.
  • Xander confronting Spike:
    Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
    Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
    Xander: You stole it.
    Spike: And you're making it into very hard work.
• Buffy has a whispered conversation with Giles about Dawn, and mentions that they've been taking it easy on her, and Giles says the best thing to do for Dawn is to treat her exactly the same as ever.
  Buffy: You think so?
  Giles: Absolutely.
  Buffy: Thanks. DAWN! [...] What did I tell you about borrowing my clothing?
• Harmony role-playing as Buffy with Spike, complete with Bad "Bad Acting".
• Spike's Ghost Story that Buffy interrupts just as he's getting to the worst part. Dawn wants him to finish, Buffy, in full Mama Bear mode, arches her eyebrows all, "Finish it, Spike, and I'll hurt you if I don't like it," and Spike's thinking, Bring My Brown Pants.
• Buffy's reaction to Dawn telling her that Spike is in love with her:
  Buffy: Huh?
• Spike and Buffy on a "stakeout." He offers her a sip from his flask, then asking her if she likes The Ramones after singing a lyric or two from "I Wanna Be Sedated."
  • When Spike presents her with the flask:
  Buffy: Ew.
  Spike: It's not blood; it's bourbon.
  Buffy: [with intentional emphasis] Eeeeew.
• Buffy confronting Spike about the fake stakeout:
  Buffy: What is this? The late-night stakeout? The bogus suspects? The flask? [Beat] Is this a date?
  Spike: A d—? Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean— Do you want it to be?
  • And this:
    Buffy: You're like a serial killer in prison!
    Spike: Women marry 'em all the time!
• Harmony interrupting Spike and Drusilla's reunion.
  Harmony: What the heck is this?
  Spike: Oh, bloody hell.
  • Harmony then suspects Spike wants to have a threesome:
    Harmony: Oh, wait. I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning. Now you pick up some cheap queen of the damned to dress as your precious Droodzilla.
    Spike: Harm—
    Harmony: You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking. My answer is the same as always: No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl. Or Charlize Theron.
    Spike: Harm, you moron, this is Drusilla.
  • THEN Harmony confronts Drusilla about her dumping Spike and leaving him with "serious trust issues."
    Harmony: Well. You've got some nerve showing up here like this, after all this time, after breaking my sweet Boo-Boo's heart.
    Drusilla: [to Spike, barely audible] "Boo-Boo?"
• When Buffy reveals to Willow and Joyce that Spike is in love with her:
  Joyce: Honey, did you... somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?
  Buffy: [ponders] Well...I-I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base.
• A tied-up Drusilla laughing at Spike's declaration of love to Buffy.
  Spike: I can do without the laugh track, Dru.
• Spike's enraged rant after Buffy rejects him:
  Spike: WHAT...THE BLEEDING HELL...IS WRONG...WITH YOU BLOODY WOMEN?! What the hell does it take?! Why do you bitches torture me?!
  Buffy: Which question shall I answer first?
  Spike: [exasperated] I'm at the end of my bleeding tether, you know. I don't even know why I even bother, you know. [to Drusilla] It's your fault. You're the one to blame for all this, you know.
  Drusilla: Am I?
  Spike: Bloody right you are! If you hadn't left me for that Chaos demon, I never would have come back here! Never would have had a sodding chip in my skull! [to Buffy] And you wouldn't be able to touch me. Because this, with you, is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot. You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell. You say you hate it, but you won't leave. You know, what I should just do is get rid of both of you. Burn you. Cut you into little pieces, so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi—
  • He's then interrupted by getting shot in the back by Harmony.
    Spike: Oh, great.
    Harmony: What about me, Spike? You forget about me again? The ''actual' girlfriend? I gave you the best...bunch of months of my life!
    Drusilla: That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson.
    Spike: Oh, so now you're all ganging up?
• Harmony breaking up with Spike.
  Harmony: Oh, Spikey. And you can say goodbye to this. [points to her butt] Because you're not gonna see it anymore. Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you. But even then, I'll probably just, you know, back away. [backs away as she leaves]
• Buffy punching Spike, sending him crashing into his shrine of her.

"I Was Made to Love You" (5x15)

• Buffy kicks Puffy Xander in the groin while training.
  Buffy: I'm sorry. I guess I got carried away. Are you okay?
  Xander: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.
• Describing April, Anya says, "She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely."
• Spike tries to hook up with April at the Spring Break party. He ends up getting his ass thrown out a window for his trouble.
  Spike: Bloody hell! You threw me through a window! What's that about?
  April: You cannot say that to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend.
  Spike: You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren. [walks off]
• After getting shoved by April so hard she flies through the air, Buffy complains, "Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me."
• The Description Cut from Tara saying Giles and Dawn probably had a blast to Giles complaining to Buffy about babysitting Dawn.
  Giles: Dear God, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We'll have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat, and it's not fair on her.
  Buffy: What'd she make you do?
  Giles: Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
  • Followed by this:
    Buffy: We're gonna work on it in the morning. Unless you wanna stay and...
    Joyce: [arriving home] Who wants to hear everything?
    Buffy: ...listen to my mom talk about boys.
    Giles: Must go. See you tomorrow. Bye, Joyce. [leaves]
• Joyce's final scene is quite possibly the most laugh-out-loud funny moment in the series, which makes it extremely bittersweet.
  Joyce: Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.
  Buffy: I dunno. I was standing right here. I didn't even see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a good night kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.
  Joyce: Well, I suppose by your standards, it could seem pretty... Oh, dear.
  Buffy: What?
  Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
  Buffy: MOTHER!!!
  Joyce: I'm kidding.
  Buffy: Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that.
  Joyce: I left it in the restaurant.
  Buffy: [running upstairs with her hands over her ears] No more! No more! No more!
  Joyce: On the dessert cart!
  Buffy: [faintly, off-screen] I can't hear you!
• Buffy confronts Warren about April.
  Warren: She's looking for me. She followed me here.
  Buffy: Okay, kind of figured that out.
  Warren: No, no, there's more. There's something you need to know about her.
  Buffy: I know.
  Warren: No, wait. This is important.
  Buffy: Believe me, I worked it out.
  Warren: No, this is something that you can't possibly know. [tightening camera shot and "big revelation" crescendo]] She's a robot.
  Buffy: [music cuts out] Uh-huh.
• "She growls?! You made her so she growls?!"
• Glory seems a little hurt that Buffy turned "us" down.

"The Body" (5x16)

• In the flashback to Christmas, Willow says she had too much eggnog.
  Tara: Oh, baby, want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I...uh, s-stop explaining things.
• This episode is one long Tear Jerker, but contains a gem of funny from Anya, after Xander punches a hole in the wall of Willow and Tara's apartment and Tara returns from the laundry room.
  Tara: Did I miss something?
  Anya: Xander decided that he blames the wall.
• When Buffy, Giles, and Dawn arrive, everyone starts hugging. Anya gives Giles a massive glomp, which he clearly wasn't expecting.

"Forever" (5x17)

• Xander asks Willow if she's going home.
  Willow: I'm gonna stop by my mom's first. Been doing that a lot lately.
  Xander: Yeah. Actually, I might stop by your mom's too.

"Intervention" (5x18)

• Giles says he brought supplies for the Vision Quest.
  Buffy: Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like food, water, maybe a compass?
  Giles: What about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs?
  Buffy: I don't think I'll be that hungry.
  • Seems like an odd time for a joke, eh?
    Buffy: So, how's it start?
    Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle, and then I jump back in it, and then I, um... shake my [magic] gourd.
    Buffy: I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the Hokey-Pokey and turn themselves around!
    Giles: [as dryly British as he has ever been] Go quest.
  • After he does the ritual:
    Buffy: And that's what it's all about.
• The script gets one for Xander's and Anya's reactions to Spike and the bot.
  As she bumps into him, then she sees what he sees. Xander looks like he just took a bite of Hell. Anya, however, is intrigued and a little turned on.
• Anya and the Buffybot's first meting: the Buffybot's conversation starter is something that anyone else would find suspicious, but that Anya finds touching.
  Buffybot: Anya. How is your money?
  Anya [beaming]: Fine. Thank you for asking.
• "Oh, Spike. You're the Big Bad. You're the Big Bad."
• Willow and Tara watch something to do with the witch trials on the History Channel.
  Willow: Those darn Salem judges. With their less-Satanic-than-thou attitudes.
• After finding the Buffybot... with Spike, Xander and Anya have to warn Willow and Tara, not knowing it's the bot yet. Tara doesn't want to judge Buffy, knowing what she went through, then...
  Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
  Willow: [struggling to understand] Oh. Well, Tara's right, grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge—
  Tara: What, are you kidding? She's nuts!
• Anya suggests slapping Buffy to bring her to her senses, and Xander says he'll go talk to her one-on-one.
  Tara: You aren't really gonna slap her, are you?
  Xander: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again, I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
• Willow talks privately with the Buffybot.
  Willow: Um, Buffy, this thing with Spike, it-it isn't true, is it? You didn't, you know, sleep with Spike?
  Buffybot: No.
  Willow: [relieved face]
  Buffybot: I had sex with Spike!
  [...]
  Willow: So just this one time, you just did something kinda crazy.
  Buffybot: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times and lots of different ways. I could make sketches.
  Willow: No!
  • Spike apparently couldn't help but have Warren program in this little jab towards his rival:
    Buffybot: Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.
  • "You're recently gay."
• Glory explains to her minions that Spike can't be the Key because the Key is pure and he's a vampire, which is by definition impure.
  Spike: Damn right, I'm impure. I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow.
• After having seen the Buffybot with Spike, the Scooby Gang confronts the real Buffy with what they believe to be the truth, and Hilarity Ensues.
  Xander: Buffy, we care about you, and we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the things you're doing—
  Anya: It's wrong.
  Willow: Wait. This shouldn't be about blame.
  Buffy: Blame? There's blame now?
  Willow: No, there's only love. And...some fear.
  Anya: We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
  Buffy: [jaw-drop] The who whatting how with huh?
  Anya: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger.
  Buffy: [heatedly] I am not having sex with Spike!
  Anya: Anger.
  Xander: [soothingly] No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
  Buffy: [firmly] I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!
  • Xander struggles not to laugh at the accusation.
• Or, after the mystery of the Buffybot has been revealed.
  Buffy: You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?
  Buffybot: Oh, I don't think I'm a robot.
  Anya: She's very well done.
  [Anya and the Buffybot exchange wide smiles]
  Xander: Spike must have had her built so he could program her to—
  Buffy: [horrified] Oh, God!
  Willow: Yikes! Imagine the things—
  Buffy: No! No imagining, any of you!
  Xander: [raises his hand sheepishly] Already got the visual.
  • We actually get to see the visual, which is about what we'd expect of Faith.
• Buffybot pronouncing Giles's name as "Guyles", with a hard G. And Buffy accidentally calls Giles that, earning herself a glance from her Watcher.
• The Buffybot's combination of Literal-Minded and constantly being distracted by her attraction to Spike is a treasure trove for humor:
  Buffy: Listen, Skirt Girl, we're not going to save him, we're going to kill him. He knows who the key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
  Buffybot: You're right, he's evil. But you should see him naked... I mean, really.
• Glory's minions' reaction to Spike "revealing" the Key as "That guy on TV. On that show, the price show, where they guess what stuff costs."
  Murk: The Price Is Right?
  Jinx: Bob Barker?
  Murk: We will bring you Bob Barker! We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!
  Glory: [facepalms] It is NOT Bob Barker, you scabby morons! The Key is new to this world...and Bob Barker is as old as grit.
• When Spike declares Buffy is going to kick her "lopsided ass," Glory takes a moment to glance at her backside.
• While Willow works on the robot, Buffy comments on the verisimilitude.
  Buffy: At least it's not a very good copy. I mean... [lays her head on the table so two Sarah Michelle Gellars are facing each other] Look at it.
  Willow: Uh...yeah.
• Giles does a poor job of downplaying the situation so as not to frighten Dawn.
  Giles: I'm sure we'll all be perfectly safe.
  Dawn: We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with. [looks at Tara]
  Tara: [sheepishly] It sounded convincing when I thought it.
• Buffy's imitation of the Buffybot:
  Buffy: Spike, you're covered in sexy wounds!
  Spike: Yeah...I feel real sexy. Where you been?
  Buffy: I fell down and got confused. Willow fixed me. She's gay!

"Tough Love" (5x19)

• Anya has decided that America was founded on capitalism and not democracy, and buying things is an expression of patriotism.
  Anya: Look at 'em—perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs. All ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's un-American.
  Giles: [deadpan] Appalling. Almost as if they no longer think money can buy happiness.
• Giles is interrogating Glory's minion, who vows not to talk, so he asks Willow and Anya to get some twine to tie the minion up. As soon as they turn away, there's a cracking sound, and the minion starts pleading and promising to talk.
  Anya: What happened?
  Giles: He changed his mind.
• After Willow claims that she doesn't know if she could sleep without Tara.
  Anya: You can sleep with me! [pause] Well, now, that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.

"Spiral" (5x20)

• Anya's suggestion on how to deal with Glory:
  Anya: Drop a piano on her. It always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice hunter with the speech impediment.
  • Funny thing is that Xander seems to have this style of attack in mind when he makes his contribution to the big fight two episodes later.
• Spike's response to Giles demanding what he's doing in the driver's seat of the Winnebago.
  Spike: Just out for a jaunt. Thought I'd swing by and say "howdy."
• This conversation between Spike and Giles while driving the Winnebago.
  Spike: Step on it, Gramps!
  Giles: Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power than this!
• In another brilliant example of Tempting Fate, Dawn tells Buffy to look on the bright side - at least things can't get any crazier. And then an arrow pierces the side of the Winnebago.
  Buffy: You know this is your fault for saying that.
  • Buffy's reaction to seeing the Knights of Byzantium attacking isn't of fear or awe, but a weary "Just another day being the Slayer I guess".
• Spike's reaction after one of the Knights of Byzantium fires an arrow into the Winnebago.
  Spike: BLOODY HELL!
• This:
  Giles: Weapons?
  Spike: Hello! You're driving one!
• And also:
  Willow: Don't hit the horsies!
  Buffy: We won't! [to Giles] Aim for the horsies.
• "We got company...and they brought a crusade."

"Weight of the World" (5x21)

• Glory wonders why she doesn't feel like killing her minions for a tiny slight.
  Gronx: In mercy does your power lie?
  Glory: No, brainless. In torture, death, and chaos does my power lie.
• Spike's frustration with the rest of the Scoobies when they don't remember that Glory and Ben are one and the same.
  Spike: Ben came, turned into Glory, snatched the kid, and vanished, remember? You do remember? [Beat] Is everyone here very stoned? Ben! Glory! He's a doctor; she's the Beast! Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. It's like a bloody sitcom!
  • And just when it seems like the gang finally gets it, they don't, and Spike can only sigh in frustration. It's tough being the Only Sane Man.
• Giles gets up and moving.
  Xander: How you doin'?
  Giles: It only hurts when I answer pointless questions.
• Spike meets up with Xander and Giles at the hospital and apprises them of his mission to Glory's apartment. As he does, he lights a cigarette and takes a smoke. All the while there's a "NO SMOKING" sign on the wall behind him.
• Spike dope-slapping Xander when he, having still not quite figured out that Ben and Glory are one and the same, asks if Ben is subletting from Glory. True, doing so causes his chip to go off, but like the man said, it was worth it.
• In Buffy's mind, Willow finds the root of Buffy's guilt.
  Willow: I think Spike was right, back at the gas station...Snap out of it!
  Both Buffys: What?

"The Gift" (5x22)

• Anya starts giving the gang a pep talk, suggesting they come up with something "outside the box". Giles begins to rant that Anya isn't helping apart from her "noninfectious enthusiasm", only for her to interrupt him with a genuinely helpful idea. He almost looks annoyed that his rant was cut short.
  • What makes it better is that Anya's suggestions are the only things that actually help in the battle (using the Dagon sphere to Mind Rape Glory and hitting her with Olaf's hammer).
  • Before she gives useful suggestions, one idea is for Willow to turn Glory into a toad.
    Anya: You know, a little hoppy toad, and we hit her with a hammer.
  • At the end of this, Xander and Willow give us a gem.
    Xander: Smart chicks are so hot.
    Willow: You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade?
    • What makes this Refuge in Audacity is that Willow's current partner is sitting in the corner and too Mind Raped to understand.
• After Buffy tells everyone present that she loves them:
  Spike: When you say you love us all—
  Xander and Giles: Shut up.
• When Buffy goes to lift Olaf's hammer, Spike starts to caution her, only for Buffy to lift it without any problems.
• Xander gets a hilarious Jump Scare when he finds the Buffybot in the basement.

  Xander: Why didn't they just melt it down into scrap?
  Anya: Maybe Willow wanted it.
  Xander: ...I don't think Willow feels that way about Buffy. I mean, I know she's gone through a lot of changes, but—
  Anya: To study it.

• This exchange:
  Xander: Hey, I happen to be—
  Spike: A glorified bricklayer?
  Xander: I'm also a swell bowler.
  Anya: Has his own shoes.
  Spike: The gods themselves do tremble.
• Buffy puts the grand plan into motion to stop Glory, and in lieu of her usual pep talk, we get this:
  Buffy: Hey, everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts, we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
  Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
  Giles: [wryly] "We few, we happy few..."
  Spike: We band of buggered.
  • Especially amusing when you get to Season 7 and it's a Running Gag that Buffy is constantly giving the Potentials Rousing Speeches. Be Careful What You Wish For.
• After the gang arrives outside Glory's tower and Giles asks her if she needs anything, Willow replies she could use some courage. Spike immediately offers her his flask, which she declines.
• After Willow restores Tara, Glory says she needs a brain to eat, and one of her minions offers his.
  Glory: I said a brain, you worthless dirt.
• Early in the final battle, it turns out that Glory's been fighting the Buffybot.
  Glory: Wow. The Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?
  • Cue the real Buffy standing behind Glory, armed with Olaf's hammer.
    Buffy: Glory? [hits Glory with the hammer] You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?
• Xander takes Anya's previous advice on how to fight Glory... by hitting her with a wrecking ball. Also a Moment of Awesome.
  Xander: And the glorified bricklayer picks up a spare!
  • The dialogue between Glory and Buffy immediately preceding the above.
    Glory: You dropped your hammer, sweet-cheeks. What are you gonna hit me with now?
    THUMP
    Buffy: Whatever's handy.
• When Buffy gets to the top of the tower to save Dawn, Doc turns and remarks "This is going to be interesting"...only for Buffy to simply shove him out the way, sending him falling to his death.
• There's also Anya's enthusiastic way of running into the battle, eager to clear away the enemies with a baseball bat.
  • And they put it into the opening credits to allow us to enjoy it every episode.
• Glory attempting to invoke Sympathy for the Devil.
  Glory: You're just a mortal. You couldn't understand my pain.
  Buffy: Then I'll just have to settle for causing it. [whacks Glory with the hammer again]