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Seen in: ITS MY LIFE!, THE MARRISSA GAMES
Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn’t space lost!
MARRISSA ROBERTS - Im Chells sister but more hot an pretty. I have spesal powers gived to me by the ingineer lick space fly an brething! Aso I have detektive power an MAGA PAWNCH an electic stuff. Im merried to Wheatly an we have a dotter named Chell Junor in onor of my dead sister.
A Mary Sue
protagonist, Marrissa Roberts starts out as a test subject within "Portal Labs" until Glaods reveals that she is in fact Chell's sister with speshul powers and promptly sewisides. Then Marrissa starts gradually fucking up the entire Portal
canon and the entire world
which is ultimately turned into a battle arena between her and her evil clone
Misspellings: Marrisa Robers
, Marissa, Marrisser, Marrisssa
You bloody sod stop oh god save the queen!
WHEATLY THE ROBO BALL - Wheetly is my hubby an we luve eachotter very much. He gotted arms an legs now from that JERK BOBOT Altass dead body copse. Sum JERKS thank hes dum but Wheatlys not, hes relay brave an is POWERFUL BAD ARSE becos hes got the power of love!
Marrissa's love interest, Wheetly is a robot ball in charge of the "relax hotel" before ascending to power and being shot into space by Chell. From there Glados and Marrissa find him and Marrissa brings him back to Portal Labs, where he is involved in a love trangle between Marrissa and Chell, teams up with Atlas and P-Body against Marrissa and dies. From there Marrissa brings his past self to the furture and eventually with Chell dying Whaatly merries Marrissa and they have a robot ball-human hybrid child.
Misspellings: Wheetly, Whaatly, Wheelty
SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!
This fic's take on Chell is a brain-damaged woman on whose head the only thought is booty-quaking
(though, upon becoming a zombie she seems to be smarter and the whole brain damage thing may be orchestrated by GLaDOS). However, minus brain damage, she is a fairly nice woman and knows that GLaDOS is evil.
- What Could Have Been - The original draft of ITS MY LIFE! had Chell take the role of Marrissa, but the author didn't deem it funny enough.
Misspellings: Cheel, Schell
Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos… IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!
RAT MAN - A guy hoo fites the bad robots lick GLaDOS
an ATLAS AN P-POTY! He replased his man thingys wif BALLS OF STEEL an was lost in spase an died or is he? Winkwhinkstoryplotdevelop
The author of the eponymous "the cake is a lie" phrase, Rattmann is a rebel soldier of GLaDOS
and the fusion CHELLGaDOS until Marrissa came back from the future.
- Balls of Steel: Complete with a reference to Duke Nukem Forever. The balls themselves are "Space and Rick cores".
- Luke, I Am Your Father: Just before being shot into space, Rattmann tells a story about how Gabe Jonson couldn't have children with GLaDOS normally (even though Marrissa and Wheatly can) and instead made Marrissa and Chell artificially, but DNA was all mixed up and Rattmann's DNA was used instead of Gabe's for one of the tubes, which would mean Rattmann is in fact Chell's biological father.
Misspellings: Ratman, Rtaman, Rat Man
No im diffrent! I am Oracle Turrent an I no how to make Marrissa alife!
A fairly knowledgeable self-aware turrent, Oracle Turrent knows of Marrissa's speshul powers and aids Wheatly in Marrissa's ressurekshun. He then appears once more to get Marrissa and Wheatly married, but beyond that doesn't play a big role in things.
Misspellings: Orca Turrent
CHELL JUNOR - Me an WHeatlys robot ball/human baby. She is veray yung an doesnt do much yet. Mayeb she has my powors? Lol, I havent desided yet.
Marrissa's and Wheatly's child. Besides being half-human, half-robot ball, not much is known about her.
YOU STOPED MY SEWISED MARISSA ROBERTS THAT WAS NOT NISE!
- She is teh biggest mean dum goth emo computer women ever!!!212 I killed her fourever an dhw was defeeted an killt by the zomboys from Dead Space.
In this verse, GLaDOS is the evil computer system who, upon learning her origins, becomes a goth emo who listens to Avril Lavinge
and My Kemical Romace
and attempts sewisiding. However, she doesn't quite succeed, is sent to Adroid Hell and returns, and starts causing more mess.
Misspellings: Glados, Glaods, Gladoss, GLADOS, GlaDOS, GLadOS, GLados, Glads, GLaDON, GLaDOES, GLaDS, GLADS
Atlas and P-Boy/P-Body
Hi b**** we are here to test you.
ATLAS AN P-POBDY - To JERK ROBOTS who aer always smokin drugs an beer an being JERKS. I killed them fourever affer they shot me in the hed.
ATBOD AN P-LAS - Altas an P-Bobys good guy kids. P-Body did a abortion becos she isnt pro-life the b*** I thot but gess not! Tehy are good frends of Haymatch.
These robots are given an entirely different backstory in ITS MY LIFE! from the canonical works. It's explained that in the past Marrissa accidentally left drugs and beer with them, turning them into jerks who became obsessed with beating her up and eventually killed
Two robots, named Atbod and P-Las, who are "good guys", claim to be Atlas and P-Body's kids. However Demoman gives them drugs and beer, causing them to turn into jerks and become friends with Haymitch Abernathy. As it turns out, however, they were Atlas and P-Boy under disguise.
Misspellings: Altas, Atals, P-Boy, P-Bod, P=boy, [-Body, P=Body, P-bODY, P-Doy, P-Boyd, Pboy
Andord Hell zombies
A bunch of zomboys left in Androod Hell, including the big zombie boss from Resident Evil. They are mostly forgotten for most of the story
until Assirram opens a portal to Andord Hell and uses the zombies as her own army in taking over the world.
Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you.
Chell's and GLaDOS's fusion after Chell's butt was sliced off and GLaDOS decided to install her head into where Chell's butt was, making this more evil than ever fusion.
- Split Personality - While the GLaDOS part is noticeably the one in control, Chell briefly takes over to reassure Marrissa that she needs to be killed.
- Take a Third Option - When Marrissa faces a dilemma of whetter CHELLGaDOS needs to live or die, she decides to make a black hole and only take GLaDOS's pieces out. However, Chell has suffered fatal damage from being fused with GLaDOS and dies shortly thereafter.
I am an evil clone made to kill you Marrissa Roberts an take over the werld!
Marrissa's evil clone made by the evil Teen Fortress 2 to go to the future and kill Marrissa, Assirram shortly after being made changes her plans to taking over the whole world and Marrissa is the only person who can stop her.
Misspellings: Assiram, Assram
Portal High School
Seen in: ITS MY LIFE!, TEEN FORTRESS 2
Gabe Jonson and Caroline
Marrissa: My hose blowed up cold I stay with wonna you?
Caroline: OK we can be lick sisters!
Gabe Jonson (who eventually renamed himself to Cave "in onor of his dead brother") and Caroline were students of "Portal High School" until future Marrissa and Wheatly came over, and Marrissa's and Chell's adoptive parents. They (for high school students) are fairly rich, judging by the fact that Caroline has her own commode and a double-sized bed, while Gabe can afford to build a super-advanced AI in his house over an afternoon.
Later, Gabe Jonson died only to be rescued from Androd Hell by Marrissa only to be killed by her powers, and Caroline was turned into GLaDOS and corrupted by a computer virus by Assirram, making a full-fledged Face-Heel Turn
Misspellings: Cabe Jonson, Gave, Karolin, Karlion, Karlin, Karlins, Karoline, Karolen, Carolion, Carlines, Carlion
(Good) Teen Fortress 2
Heevy: These are my frends, we all has cool niknames they are: Scot, Spy, Solder, Medik, Sniper, Demonman, Piro an Ingineer.
Gabe Jonson's friends at the senior grade of Portal High School, they really are nothing more than a team of nine characters (however, it is never mentioned if they are RED or BLU until the end, when "Bluman" recruits them and "Redman" makes their clones
) from Team Fortress 2
. They are able to fight on their own, and are fairly smart.
They are later sent by President Abraham Lincoln to help Marrissa in the Games she is participating in.
Misspellings: Teen Fortes 2, Teen Tortes 2, Teen Fortres 2, Heevy, Solder, Medik, Demonman, Demomon, Demonaman, Demoan, Ingineer, Ingine, Snipper, Snaper, nIper, Sniepr
Scot "Scout" Parker
Scot is the class in TF2 the author considers the most important, and the main character of the "TEEN FORTRESS 2" fan fic.
Not much is known about him, but what Marrissa told about him contradicts what Valve told about him: he is described as a dog/human hybrid from "Florda" (instead of Boston, Massachusetts) whose eight (rather than seven in the canon) brothers were always eating his homework
and forcing him to do theirs. He also had a girlfriend "Katty Smithereens" who was named after Marrissa's real life friend of the same name, owns a baseball bat nicknamed "Marrissa"
and escapes from his house to the Portal High School after killing his oldest brother "Wulf". He dies in THE MARRISSA GAMES performing a heroic "sakrifase" to avenge the death of Pyro.
- Heroic Sakrifase
- I Call It "Vera" - Scot names his baseball bat Marrissa, and doesn't know why, because the reason is actually in the future.
- That also means we have Marrissa the Author/"Writer", Marrissa the Character and Marrissa the Baseball Bat.
Tanya "Pyro" Lockwood
Pyro is called the second most important class of TF2, and is Scout's girlfriend.
It is revealed that she is in fact a girl in Chapter 2, when Scot accidentally enters the wrong bathroom
and sees one of the naked girls putting on a suit. She and Scot then become lovers. She died in THE MARRISSA GAMES, taking the place of the girl who once lit a fire in the night and was tracked down by the Careers.
Misspellings: Piro, Pryo
A escaped zoo Koala that Sniper and Scot find while walking to school. Sniper decides to keep Katty as a pet and Scot names her "in onor of his dead girlfriend". Katty can apparently speak to Sniper because he's Australian and thus knows koala language somehow...
Spy is madly in love with Caroline and attempts to rape her and is expelled. Later he returns to save Caroline from Cave Jonson but fails and in utter despair commits "sewiside"
He is also described as having a hideously deformed face full of "cancerous plimples, greesy marks, a brand that says "SLOOT" an experimental hair".
Other classes are less important and detailed, but several facts are given about them:
- Ingineer is the smartest guy among of Teen Fortress 2. He passed the time travel exam and is capable of building a time machine.
- Heevy's gun "Sasa" was raped by football players in the past, which makes him fight against any rape he sees.
- Snipper is Scot's best friend, and they live together after Scot escaped from his hose. He has a pet koala named "Katty Smithereens".
- Solder had a sort-of-girlfriend Jenny Weasley, however it turned out she was an undercover agent from Britain on a mission to "assinate" Mr. Sanpe. She left him once Sanpe was killed.
- Demoman also has a girl with a similar status, Gaz, who was close to breaking up after she was annoyed that he was addicted to "drugs and beer", but Scot managed to fix him and they went back to being lovers.
Cave Jonson and Evil/"Bad" Teen Fortress 2
I am CAVE JONSON who is GABE JONSONS more evil twin!
Gabe Jonson's Evil Twin
and his self-made clones of Team Fortress 2, these are the main antagonists of the events taking place in the past.
Misspellings: Cabe Joneson
Doug Rattmann (the past)
In the past, Doug was working with Gabe Jonson after he renamed himself to Cave, and helped him build GLaDOS.
Wheatly (the past)
Wheatly was originally a guy from Britain named Harry, who had a girlfriend Jenny who was sent to Portal High School to kill Mr. Sanpe. During the course of the events he went undercover, changed his name to Wheatly, and altered his appearance to "tall with blond hare an gassses an like nerd" but got amnesia and forgot his name was ever Harry, which followed him being turned into a robo ball and sent to the future.
- Moe Anthropomorphism - Of the robo ball from Portal 2.
- This also leads to Brain Uploading orchestrated by Cave Jonson (the evil twin).
- Actually, in Marrissa's canon Wheatly remained mostly organic. All that happened was the skeleton and one eye were removed, somehow making his body ball-shaped, the other eye was enlarged and the skin was turned into metal. He even got to keep his testicles.
Portal High School teachers
Only three teachers from Portal High School were ever named:
- a History teacher Mr. Pursell who is described as "dumb" and blushes from love notes directed to someone else; Chapter seven implies that he is actually Steve Purcell, creator of Sam & Max.
- a Math teacher Mr. Sanpe (lol) who is given a slightly longer backstory: he used to be a teacher in Britain but he killed the principal and escaped the judgment so he came to teach at Portal High School and changed his name only to be killed by Jenny Weasley. He therefore was very pissed off at everyone, especially hermaphrodites, and used to give Scot a lot of F's;
- another Math teacher, "Mr. Logik Edtor" / Mr. Logik, who does not hurl abuse at the students, but fails to make the class interesting.
We ran lick I did in Meet the Scot an jumped over other pepole but then somethin stoped us dead in are tracks it was… PRINSIPAL GLADOS!
The first seen principal of Portal High School. She is revealed to be Caroline's mother and the idea for the name of Caroline's robotic body. She was killed by "Dog the Bownty Hunner" shortly after making an appearance, and was replaced by the Business Magnet/"Man",
who has an entry below.
Misspellings: PRINSIPAL GLADOS, Princinipal GLaDOS, Primpal GLaDOS
The Past (Non-Portal High School)
Seen in: all of the fics
“Oh wems this is badder than thot. We most help Marrissa but how.” Abraman Liknan (AN ITS THE PAST REMBER SO HE CAN PRESDENT)
The President of the United States during "the past" which appears to be the 90s
. He has awarded Marrissa, Teen Fortress 2, Ratmann and Gabe Johnson medals for their acts of bravery in ITS MY LIFE! and keeps a keen interest in Marrissa. Currently he is using Agents J and K
to watch over her in the future.
Agents J and K
“Yes Mr. Prisedent Lincan we haf disvocered that Marrissa Robers is in Hunger Games troble!!” Deadpanned K wile J did a funny joke.
Previously having been members of the Men In Black
, they now act as time traveling spies for President Lincoln to watch over Marrissa. They have been tasked with recruiting Teen Fortress 2 to rescue her from the Hunger Games. And they are dressing in red.
Teen Fortress 2 studied here after graduating from Portal High School.
Distract 12 and The Capital
Seen in: THE MARRISSA GAMES
PRIMOSE EVERGREEN - A yung gilr hoo is been pikked for the Hunger Games. Seh has a petted gote an cat an has inner strenth that u dont wanna mess with!
One of two female tributes of District 12 for the Hunger Games, the other being Marissa herself. She is apparently cute, but never as cute as Chell Junior or Marissa when she was her age.
Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eater
PEETA PITA SANDWICH EATA - Hes a hot guy (but I dont lick him lick that my hart only belongs to Wheatly) an the guy Hunger Game. Theres a spesal sumwon hes lookin out for!
The male tribute of District 12 for the Hunger Games. Marissa constantly alludes to liking him, but being unable to cheat on Wheatley. He eventually hooks up with Prim.
KANTISS EVERGREEN - Primp’s olderer sister. Shes a dumb an has feekal incontinence so nobody licks her.
Appeared in one scene to try and volunteer for Prim, only for President Snow to reveal she can't because of fecal incontinence. Her incident is frequently referred to later. She is later revealed to have been kidnapped by "Vass from Far Cry 3" and sold as a "sexing slave in Asian".
GALE (I FORGOTE HIS LAST NAME SORRY =( -Kanisss best frend. Hes hidin somethin an waht dose he want with Wheatly?!?!?! FIND OT INSYDE!!@3
Same guy as Ronald Weasley. Mainly in the story to remind Wheatly/Harry of his past and help him realize his true powers so he can help Marrissa.
- Bi the Way - He's nervous around J an K because he fears their "sexay bodis" will make him cheat on his true love, "Hermoany".
PIESENDENT SNOW - Teh baddest dude ever! Hes the liter of Crits Unitary an the pres of the plase. He hates Marrissa for some reson an he has a BIG seekrit!!12
Critics United's President Evil
, and replaces Effie Trinket in the Reapings, even though Effie appears later in the story.
HAYMISH ABERNATY - Da mentor for me an Prime an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eater in the GAMES. A reel JERK hoos always druggin an beerin wif hes noo frens ATBOD AN PLAS.
Presumably a victor of the Quarter Quell, assuming the games in Marissa's version are even numbered. Instead of mentoring Marrissa, Prim and Peeta, he "drugs an beers" with ATLAS and P-body, at least until he sees the three fighting fairly well.
What the buggerin f*** p*** g*** b*** c*** are u bullockin done heer f***888?
One of the tributes for the Hunger Games, despite being an old man. He swears a lot
Captian Whip Whitaker
Oh man I am soooo hi on drugs an beer!!3
A drug and beer addicted pilot and old friend of Haymitch's. He was hired by President Snow to stop Haymitch from helping Marrissa win the Hunger Games.
Misspellings: Wip, Wipe
Several other tributes are featured in THE MARRISSA GAMES:
- the original Falmer Trollz (Skepkitty + Telltale Fanfic Theater 3000);
- Cato the huge bipedal cat; he is later burned horribly and becomes "Freddy Cougar"
- "Roo" the half-kangaroo;
- Glummer, mainly used in a very disturbing scene where she mistakes a tracker jacker nest for a tampon;
- Fresh, mentioned by Haymish to be a serious threat and
- Fawkesface/Fauxfeces, who is a Career and has only been seen together with Glummer before the Games.
Notably, Teen Fortress 2 also appears in the Games, but not as reaped tributes; instead they claim they're from District 3 and the Gamemakers kill off the real District 3 tributes before the Games.
Seen in: all of the fics
Hi, its me MarrissaTheWritar, my goodl frend Sue Mary
said I can use her tumbler to postd my new storay THE MARRISSA GAMES since the dum CRITAKS NITED is tryin to destory all my stuff on fanfiction.net
The author of this whole mess, MarissaTheWriter is a Tumblr
(and formerly, FanFiction.Net
) fellow, and really nothing more than the author of this whole mess
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander - As mentioned on the main page, Marrissa has some rather... odd ideas about things.
- Creator Breakdown - In later chapters, especially in TEEN FORTRESS 2, Marrissa becomes increasingly angry in her author's notes and the spelling will at those times get even worse than usual. She's also started writing in the various "Falmer Trolls" as some form a revenge, derailing the main story to work in things to annoy them. TEEN FORTRESS 2 also has even more nonsensical plot twits and a lot of Gorn compared to ITS MY LIFE!
- Expy - Shares many traits with D'arkYagam'i. Her Self Insert Mary Sue OC lacks an Overly Long Name, she introduces Loads and Loads of Characters who are either taken from canon or are her reviewers, has developed her stories into a shared universe, found her own TV Tropes page and is writing a The Hunger Games crossover.
- Genius Ditz - The Half-World blog points out several pieces of evidence that Marrissa might be smarter than she lets on.
With It’s My Life, it’s ridiculous right out the gate. The author slipped in an Atlas Shrugged
joke in chapter 1, and right after that followed it up by using Ayn Rand
’s name in place of the words “and ran”, which seems cleverer than your average terrible fanfic writer. It’s over-the-top and in-your-face crazy right from the beginning.
So, no, I don’t think there’s solid evidence that MarissaTheWriter is a troll, but I think behind the stupid Cloudcuckoolander mask is someone more intelligent than they’re letting on.
- Sock Puppet - Of Sue Mary. Of course, when they join the same Tumblr blog, they're two different people à la Sacha Baron Cohen's characters.
Misspellings: MarrissaTheWriter, MarrissaTheWritar
WASSUP G'S? It's ya boy, Logic!
Marrissa's beta reader. He has currently beta-read Chapters 7 to 9 of TEEN FORTRESS 2, and was working on an M-rated "better" version of ITS MY LIFE!. However, Marrissa disliked what Logic did to her story, and Logic himself had disappeared off the Internet. He did make a return, and became a Homestuck fan, but claimed he will not edit THE MARRISSA GAMES. He was a cool editor, though.
His depiction in TEEN FORTRESS 2 is the Maths teacher after Mr. Sanpe was assassinated, as told above.
- Better Than Canon - This is his intention.
- IKEA Erotica - Logic added a sex scene, even though Marrissa was against it.
- The Mole - Even though he's "working for" Marrissa, he let slip his Skepkitty fandom while beta-reading Chapter 9. He even wrote chatting with Skep (who turned out to be a bully further in the original story) into the chapter.
Misspellings: Logik Edtor
Stop cyrin dudes you shuld be happy becos seinor gradulashun is common up soon!
What the hell? Me and Peeta is a ship? NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. I’M NOT GAY.
The author of Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise
and someone who seems to follow Marissa, whether being of a good or a bad opinion about her stories. He also has an Archive of Our Own account
which he used to mirror THE MARRISSA GAMES there.
The in-story avatar of him briefly served as the Principal of Portal High School after Principal GLaDOS
was killed. Later he married Skep
and became a falmer troll, only to get a "divortion" and return to help Marrissa in the Hunger Games as part of her prep team. He is later revealed to hate the Flamer Trolls because Skepkitty
makes him pay child support for their son in foster care, "Skepness Man". Later it turns out he is also the father of Caroline.
AN THANKS FOR THE GOOD REVIEWS YOU LAST TOW ONES. AS LONG AS THE REEL FANS SUPPORT ME THIS STORY WILL NEVER DYE!
Presumably sarcastic, these reviewers of ITS MY LIFE! seem to praise the story and are the only reason Marrissa keeps writing ITS MY LIFE!.
This group, according to Marrissa herself, comprises of "Not" Cat Bountry with the Dramatic Reading
and Selphuerel, who has done nothing other than praising the story with the reviews. (Though, Cat Bouncy recently has quit praising the story, and is not reading TEEN FORTRESS 2.) Among the other notable fans of the story is also Arrow-Awesome with two fan stories MarissaxChell
and Portla 3
I gloped Wheatly an gave lots of hug an kisses while CAROLINE (See I listen to constertive crit instead of FALMER TROLLZ)
These reviewers are the Only Sane Men
within this whole mess, and, obviously
, are being of a bad opinion about the fic. Notable people belonging to this faction are Skepkitty
of The Half-World
, the members of Telltale Fanfic Theater 3000
and the other MSTers, as well as bad reviewers.
They got a cameo as a gang of bullies that failed their graduations and were eaten quite unceremoniously.
It should be noted that this term is in fact interchangeable with "consertive critisim
guys", because they could tell the problems with the story more loosely and be regarded as trolls.
CRITICS YOUNTIED -A groop of flmer trollz hoo did sterods an got superpowaed up so now theys even wores than the reglar ones! Wif tehere Preisent Snow they taked over the hole plase an a reely meen.
A group of "law enforcers" of FanFiction.Net, who removed ITS MY LIFE! from the site. They are taking the role of the Capitol in THE MARRISSA GAMES.
Return to ITS MY LIFE!