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Seen in: ITS MY LIFE!, THE MARRISSA GAMES
Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn’t space lost!
MARRISSA ROBERTS - Im Chells sister but more hot an pretty. I have spesal powers gived to me by the ingineer lick space fly an brething! Aso I have detektive power an MAGA PAWNCH an electic stuff. Im merried to Wheatly an we have a dotter named Chell Junor in onor of my dead sister.A Mary Sue protagonist, Marrissa Roberts starts out as a test subject within "Portal Labs" until Glaods reveals that she is in fact Chell's sister with speshul powers and promptly sewisides. Then Marrissa starts gradually fucking up the entire Portal canon and the entire world which is ultimately turned into a battle arena between her and her evil clone.Tropes:Marrisa Robers, Marissa, Marrisser, Marrisssa
You bloody sod stop oh god save the queen!
WHEATLY THE ROBO BALL - Wheetly is my hubby an we luve eachotter very much. He gotted arms an legs now from that JERK BOBOT Altass dead body copse. Sum JERKS thank hes dum but Wheatlys not, hes relay brave an is POWERFUL BAD ARSE becos hes got the power of love!Marrissa's love interest, Wheetly is a robot ball in charge of the "relax hotel" before ascending to power and being shot into space by Chell. From there Glados and Marrissa find him and Marrissa brings him back to Portal Labs, where he is involved in a love trangle between Marrissa and Chell, teams up with Atlas and P-Body against Marrissa and dies. From there Marrissa brings his past self to the furture and eventually with Chell dying Whaatly merries Marrissa and they have a robot ball-human hybrid child.Tropes:
SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!This fic's take on Chell is a brain-damaged woman on whose head the only thought is booty-quaking (though, upon becoming a zombie she seems to be smarter and the whole brain damage thing may be orchestrated by GLaDOS). However, minus brain damage, she is a fairly nice woman and knows that GLaDOS is evil.Tropes:
Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos… IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!
RAT MAN - A guy hoo fites the bad robots lick GLaDOS an ATLAS AN P-POTY! He replased his man thingys wif BALLS OF STEEL an was lost in spase an died or is he? WinkwhinkstoryplotdevelopThe author of the eponymous "the cake is a lie" phrase, Rattmann is a rebel soldier of GLaDOS and the fusion CHELLGaDOS until Marrissa came back from the future.Tropes:
No im diffrent! I am Oracle Turrent an I no how to make Marrissa alife!A fairly knowledgeable self-aware turrent, Oracle Turrent knows of Marrissa's speshul powers and aids Wheatly in Marrissa's ressurekshun. He then appears once more to get Marrissa and Wheatly married, but beyond that doesn't play a big role in things.Misspellings: Orca Turrent
CHELL JUNOR - Me an WHeatlys robot ball/human baby. She is veray yung an doesnt do much yet. Mayeb she has my powors? Lol, I havent desided yet.Marrissa's and Wheatly's child. Besides being half-human, half-robot ball, not much is known about her.Tropes:
YOU STOPED MY SEWISED MARISSA ROBERTS THAT WAS NOT NISE!
GLaDOS - She is teh biggest mean dum goth emo computer women ever!!!212 I killed her fourever an dhw was defeeted an killt by the zomboys from Dead Space.In this verse, GLaDOS is the evil computer system who, upon learning her origins, becomes a goth emo who listens to Avril Lavinge and My Kemical Romace and attempts sewisiding. However, she doesn't quite succeed, is sent to Adroid Hell and returns, and starts causing more mess.
Atlas and P-Boy/P-Body
Hi b**** we are here to test you.
ATLAS AN P-POBDY - To JERK ROBOTS who aer always smokin drugs an beer an being JERKS. I killed them fourever affer they shot me in the hed.
ATBOD AN P-LAS - Altas an P-Bobys good guy kids. P-Body did a abortion becos she isnt pro-life the b*** I thot but gess not! Tehy are good frends of Haymatch.These robots are given an entirely different backstory in ITS MY LIFE! from the canonical works. It's explained that in the past Marrissa accidentally left drugs and beer with them, turning them into jerks who became obsessed with beating her up and eventually killed her.Two robots, named Atbod and P-Las, who are "good guys", claim to be Atlas and P-Body's kids. However Demoman gives them drugs and beer, causing them to turn into jerks and become friends with Haymitch Abernathy. As it turns out, however, they were Atlas and P-Boy under disguise.Tropes:
Andord Hell zombiesA bunch of zomboys left in Androod Hell, including the big zombie boss from Resident Evil. They are mostly forgotten for most of the story until Assirram opens a portal to Andord Hell and uses the zombies as her own army in taking over the world.Tropes:
Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you.Chell's and GLaDOS's fusion after Chell's butt was sliced off and GLaDOS decided to install her head into where Chell's butt was, making this more evil than ever fusion.Tropes:
I am an evil clone made to kill you Marrissa Roberts an take over the werld!Marrissa's evil clone made by the evil Teen Fortress 2 to go to the future and kill Marrissa, Assirram shortly after being made changes her plans to taking over the whole world and Marrissa is the only person who can stop her.Tropes:
Portal High School
Seen in: ITS MY LIFE!, TEEN FORTRESS 2
Gabe Jonson and Caroline
Marrissa: My hose blowed up cold I stay with wonna you?
Caroline: OK we can be lick sisters!Gabe Jonson (who eventually renamed himself to Cave "in onor of his dead brother") and Caroline were students of "Portal High School" until future Marrissa and Wheatly came over, and Marrissa's and Chell's adoptive parents. They (for high school students) are fairly rich, judging by the fact that Caroline has her own commode and a double-sized bed, while Gabe can afford to build a super-advanced AI in his house over an afternoon.Later, Gabe Jonson died only to be rescued from Androd Hell by Marrissa only to be killed by her powers, and Caroline was turned into GLaDOS and corrupted by a computer virus by Assirram, making a full-fledged Face-Heel Turn.Misspellings: Cabe Jonson, Gave, Karolin, Karlion, Karlin, Karlins, Karoline, Karolen, Carolion, Carlines, Carlion
(Good) Teen Fortress 2
Heevy: These are my frends, we all has cool niknames they are: Scot, Spy, Solder, Medik, Sniper, Demonman, Piro an Ingineer.Gabe Jonson's friends at the senior grade of Portal High School, they really are nothing more than a team of nine characters (however, it is never mentioned if they are RED or BLU until the end, when "Bluman" recruits them and "Redman" makes their clones) from Team Fortress 2. They are able to fight on their own, and are fairly smart.They are later sent by President Abraham Lincoln to help Marrissa in the Games she is participating in.Misspellings: Teen Fortes 2, Teen Tortes 2, Teen Fortres 2, Heevy, Solder, Medik, Demonman, Demomon, Demonaman, Demoan, Ingineer, Ingine, Snipper, Snaper, nIper, Sniepr
Scot "Scout" ParkerScot is the class in TF2 the author considers the most important, and the main character of the "TEEN FORTRESS 2" fan fic.Not much is known about him, but what Marrissa told about him contradicts what Valve told about him: he is described as a dog/human hybrid from "Florda" (instead of Boston, Massachusetts) whose eight (rather than seven in the canon) brothers were always eating his homework and forcing him to do theirs. He also had a girlfriend "Katty Smithereens" who was named after Marrissa's real life friend of the same name, owns a baseball bat nicknamed "Marrissa" and escapes from his house to the Portal High School after killing his oldest brother "Wulf". He dies in THE MARRISSA GAMES performing a heroic "sakrifase" to avenge the death of Pyro.Tropes:
Tanya "Pyro" LockwoodPyro is called the second most important class of TF2, and is Scout's girlfriend.It is revealed that she is in fact a girl in Chapter 2, when Scot accidentally enters the wrong bathroom and sees one of the naked girls putting on a suit. She and Scot then become lovers. She died in THE MARRISSA GAMES, taking the place of the girl who once lit a fire in the night and was tracked down by the Careers.Misspellings: Piro, Pryo
Katty SmithereensA escaped zoo Koala that Sniper and Scot find while walking to school. Sniper decides to keep Katty as a pet and Scot names her "in onor of his dead girlfriend". Katty can apparently speak to Sniper because he's Australian and thus knows koala language somehow...Tropes:
SpySpy is madly in love with Caroline and attempts to rape her and is expelled. Later he returns to save Caroline from Cave Jonson but fails and in utter despair commits "sewiside".He is also described as having a hideously deformed face full of "cancerous plimples, greesy marks, a brand that says "SLOOT" an experimental hair".Tropes:
Other classesOther classes are less important and detailed, but several facts are given about them:
Cave Jonson and Evil/"Bad" Teen Fortress 2
I am CAVE JONSON who is GABE JONSONS more evil twin!Gabe Jonson's Evil Twin and his self-made clones of Team Fortress 2, these are the main antagonists of the events taking place in the past.Misspellings: Cabe Joneson
Doug Rattmann (the past)In the past, Doug was working with Gabe Jonson after he renamed himself to Cave, and helped him build GLaDOS.Tropes:
Wheatly (the past)Wheatly was originally a guy from Britain named Harry, who had a girlfriend Jenny who was sent to Portal High School to kill Mr. Sanpe. During the course of the events he went undercover, changed his name to Wheatly, and altered his appearance to "tall with blond hare an gassses an like nerd" but got amnesia and forgot his name was ever Harry, which followed him being turned into a robo ball and sent to the future.Tropes:
Portal High School teachersOnly three teachers from Portal High School were ever named:
We ran lick I did in Meet the Scot an jumped over other pepole but then somethin stoped us dead in are tracks it was… PRINSIPAL GLADOS!The first seen principal of Portal High School. She is revealed to be Caroline's mother and the idea for the name of Caroline's robotic body. She was killed by "Dog the Bownty Hunner" shortly after making an appearance, and was replaced by the Business Magnet/"Man", who has an entry below.Tropes:
The Past (Non-Portal High School)
Seen in: all of the fics
“Oh wems this is badder than thot. We most help Marrissa but how.” Abraman Liknan (AN ITS THE PAST REMBER SO HE CAN PRESDENT)The President of the United States during "the past" which appears to be the 90s. He has awarded Marrissa, Teen Fortress 2, Ratmann and Gabe Johnson medals for their acts of bravery in ITS MY LIFE! and keeps a keen interest in Marrissa. Currently he is using Agents J and K to watch over her in the future.Tropes:
Agents J and K
“Yes Mr. Prisedent Lincan we haf disvocered that Marrissa Robers is in Hunger Games troble!!” Deadpanned K wile J did a funny joke.Previously having been members of the Men in Black, they now act as time traveling spies for President Lincoln to watch over Marrissa. They have been tasked with recruiting Teen Fortress 2 to rescue her from the Hunger Games. And they are dressing in red.Tropes:
Half-Life CollegeTeen Fortress 2 studied here after graduating from Portal High School.
Distract 12 and The Capital
Seen in: THE MARRISSA GAMES
PRIMOSE EVERGREEN - A yung gilr hoo is been pikked for the Hunger Games. Seh has a petted gote an cat an has inner strenth that u dont wanna mess with!One of two female tributes of District 12 for the Hunger Games, the other being Marissa herself. She is apparently cute, but never as cute as Chell Junior or Marissa when she was her age.
Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eater
PEETA PITA SANDWICH EATA - Hes a hot guy (but I dont lick him lick that my hart only belongs to Wheatly) an the guy Hunger Game. Theres a spesal sumwon hes lookin out for!The male tribute of District 12 for the Hunger Games. Marissa constantly alludes to liking him, but being unable to cheat on Wheatley. He eventually hooks up with Prim.
KANTISS EVERGREEN - Primp’s olderer sister. Shes a dumb an has feekal incontinence so nobody licks her.Appeared in one scene to try and volunteer for Prim, only for President Snow to reveal she can't because of fecal incontinence. Her incident is frequently referred to later. She is later revealed to have been kidnapped by "Vass from Far Cry 3" and sold as a "sexing slave in Asian".
GALE (I FORGOTE HIS LAST NAME SORRY =( -Kanisss best frend. Hes hidin somethin an waht dose he want with Wheatly?!?!?! FIND OT INSYDE!!@3Same guy as Ronald Weasley. Mainly in the story to remind Wheatly/Harry of his past and help him realize his true powers so he can help Marrissa.Tropes:
PIESENDENT SNOW - Teh baddest dude ever! Hes the liter of Crits Unitary an the pres of the plase. He hates Marrissa for some reson an he has a BIG seekrit!!12Critics United's President Evil, and replaces Effie Trinket in the Reapings, even though Effie appears later in the story.
HAYMISH ABERNATY - Da mentor for me an Prime an Peeta Peeta Sandwich Eater in the GAMES. A reel JERK hoos always druggin an beerin wif hes noo frens ATBOD AN PLAS.Presumably a victor of the Quarter Quell, assuming the games in Marissa's version are even numbered. Instead of mentoring Marrissa, Prim and Peeta, he "drugs an beers" with ATLAS and P-body, at least until he sees the three fighting fairly well.Tropes:
What the buggerin f*** p*** g*** b*** c*** are u bullockin done heer f***888?One of the tributes for the Hunger Games, despite being an old man. He swears a lot.Tropes:
Captian Whip Whitaker
Oh man I am soooo hi on drugs an beer!!3A drug and beer addicted pilot and old friend of Haymitch's. He was hired by President Snow to stop Haymitch from helping Marrissa win the Hunger Games.Tropes:
Other tributesSeveral other tributes are featured in THE MARRISSA GAMES:
Seen in: all of the fics
Hi, its me MarrissaTheWritar, my goodl frend Sue Mary said I can use her tumbler to postd my new storay THE MARRISSA GAMES since the dum CRITAKS NITED is tryin to destory all my stuff on fanfiction.net.The author of this whole mess, MarissaTheWriter is a Tumblr (and formerly, FanFiction.Net) fellow, and really nothing more than the author of this whole mess.Tropes:
Logic Editor (real name Matthew Riggs)
WASSUP G'S? It's ya boy, Logic!Marrissa's beta reader. He has currently beta-read Chapters 7 to 9 of TEEN FORTRESS 2, and was working on an M-rated "better" version of ITS MY LIFE!. However, Marrissa disliked what Logic did to her story, and Logic himself had disappeared off the Internet. He did make a return, and became a Homestuck fan, but claimed he will not edit THE MARRISSA GAMES. He was a cool editor, though.His depiction in TEEN FORTRESS 2 is the Maths teacher after Mr. Sanpe was assassinated, as told above.Tropes:
Stop cyrin dudes you shuld be happy becos seinor gradulashun is common up soon!
What the hell? Me and Peeta is a ship? NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. I’M NOT GAY.The author of Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise and someone who seems to follow Marissa, whether being of a good or a bad opinion about her stories. He also has an Archive of Our Own account which he used to mirror THE MARRISSA GAMES there.The in-story avatar of him briefly served as the Principal of Portal High School after Principal GLaDOS was killed. Later he married Skep and became a falmer troll, only to get a "divortion" and return to help Marrissa in the Hunger Games as part of her prep team. He is later revealed to hate the Flamer Trolls because Skepkitty makes him pay child support for their son in foster care, "Skepness Man". Later it turns out he is also the father of Caroline.
AN THANKS FOR THE GOOD REVIEWS YOU LAST TOW ONES. AS LONG AS THE REEL FANS SUPPORT ME THIS STORY WILL NEVER DYE!Presumably sarcastic, these reviewers of ITS MY LIFE! seem to praise the story and are the only reason Marrissa keeps writing ITS MY LIFE!.This group, according to Marrissa herself, comprises of "Not" Cat Bountry with the Dramatic Reading and Selphuerel, who has done nothing other than praising the story with the reviews. (Though, Cat Bouncy recently has quit praising the story, and is not reading TEEN FORTRESS 2.) Among the other notable fans of the story is also Arrow-Awesome with two fan stories MarissaxChell and Portla 3.
I gloped Wheatly an gave lots of hug an kisses while CAROLINE (See I listen to constertive crit instead of FALMER TROLLZ)These reviewers are the Only Sane Men within this whole mess, and, obviously, are being of a bad opinion about the fic. Notable people belonging to this faction are Skepkitty of The Half-World, the members of Telltale Fanfic Theater 3000 and the other MSTers, as well as bad reviewers.They got a cameo as a gang of bullies that failed their graduations and were eaten quite unceremoniously.It should be noted that this term is in fact interchangeable with "consertive critisim guys", because they could tell the problems with the story more loosely and be regarded as trolls.
CRITICS YOUNTIED -A groop of flmer trollz hoo did sterods an got superpowaed up so now theys even wores than the reglar ones! Wif tehere Preisent Snow they taked over the hole plase an a reely meen.A group of "law enforcers" of FanFiction.Net, who removed ITS MY LIFE! from the site. They are taking the role of the Capitol in THE MARRISSA GAMES.
Return to ITS MY LIFE!.