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Tear Jerker / Cracked

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The online humour site

  • This article about Kristen Bell. The description of a hypothetical marriage with her is unexpectedly touching.
  • 5 Things They Never Told Us, a simple but successfully crushing article for students to read to prepare them about the loss of youthful energy, the anticlimactic realization that you are an adult but still have no idea how life works, and summer going from three months off of freedom to just a simple change in the weather for you.
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  • 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Adopting a Dog, particularly the last one. note 
  • The poignant last line of 6 Nobodies Who Turned Into Superheroes Without Warning, especially because of the man in question.
    The rest of us can only hope that in that situation, we'd do the same. And then we can pray that we never have the chance to find out we're wrong.
  • 4 Things You Learn Quickly About Internet Hate, particularly the part where Gladstone mentions being legitimately touched by a mentally handicapped person's plight he saw on the street to the point of shedding actual tears, but went on, connecting to the current point that people generally don't get involved in a tragedy until after it's already ended.
    "My only contribution was my worthless tears. Look how good I am. I cried. And kept walking. Because it's easiest to cry when you keep walking."
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  • 8 Tiny Things That Stopped Suicides is by far one of the best articles on Cracked and the entire reason Christina H is still at the website in spite of all the hate she gets. Many, many, many tears of happiness.
    "Even if nine out of 10 threatened Internet suicides are trolls or attention-getters, I don't care about looking stupid nine times to save one person's life."
  • 6 Shocking Realities of the Secret 'Troubled Teen Industry'—as described in the opening, "an industry dedicated to taking America's at-risk youth and fucking them up in the worst way possible." The author, a victim of one of these facilities, relates stories of forced physical labor, deprivation of sleep/food/etc., and the off-chance that a child might die in one of these facilities... all because a parent doesn't like what their child has become (usually an attempt to weed out delinquent behavior, but stories crop up of kids being sent there because they don't follow the parents' religion, are gay, or in the case of the author—formulating your own identity; in her case, she got into heavy metal music).
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  • 5 Life Lessons You Learn From Being Bullied isn't much of a tear jerker in the article itself, but the comments are heartbreaking as you read story after story for people for whom it didn't get better.
  • 6 Bizarrely Creepy Moments from the Mario Universe is Nightmare Fuel for Mario players in itself, but a commentor provides a sad reason why Peach does not remember mothering Bowser's children:
    skim172: You'd think Peach would remember having sex with Bowser. Or at least, giving birth to a giant spiked turtle. Eight times.
    Unless she's suffering from intense psychosis brought on by the trauma of multiple kidnapping, torture, and repeated rapes. She blocked out that part of her memory as she's blocked out so many things. It's a defense mechanism. It explains why she's always kind of spaced out; she's not an airhead - she's disconnected from reality, because that's the only way she can cope.

    Think of Super Mario as the world ... viewed through the eyes of Peach - not a princess, as in her delusions, but a sexually abused and tortured woman with a shattered psyche. The real world hurts - instead, she imagines a cartoon world with talking mushroom people, smiling plants, and fire-flowers, where she's a beloved royal figure - and she can fly. Free as a bird.

    And out there is a hero - a paunchy middle-aged plumber, perhaps representing a father figure - fighting through legions of enemies to come rescue her.

    But she never does get rescued, does she. On those brief resurfacings to reality - she's still a prisoner of that evil man. Bowser. And so she returns back to the dream - another adventure for the heroic Mario, to come save daddy's little princess.
  • 6 Things Nobody Tells You About Working At Disney World has a particularly horrifying moment when the author talks about how the people in the full-body costumes would meet lots of kids... many of whom had cancer or other fatal diseases. And while being Mickey (who all the kids would ask to meet) was bad, it was even worse for the people playing the Fairy Godmother- they had to meet dying kid after dying kid who would ask 'Fairy Godmother' to cure them.
  • Robin Williams and Why Funny People Kill Themselves takes a very serious look at the high incidence of depression and suicide among comedians and comedy writers.
    Back behind the wall, Chris Farley was a scared, lonely, awkward fat kid who couldn't even pay someone to hold his hand when he died. 'Don't leave me.'
  • 5 Things I Learned As A Sex Slave In Modern America can best be summed up by the final line: "People need to know that slavery in America never ended, we just got better at hiding it." Note that this is one of the few articles to include a content warning, not for containing NSFW pictures, but just because of the true events described.
    NOTE: We don't have a policy of putting trigger warnings on articles, but if there exists anywhere on Earth an article that needs such a warning, here it fucking is. In fact, if this doesn't disturb you, there is a good chance you are a crazy person.
  • 6 Things I Learned as an Innocent Man on Death Row: The #1 thing on the list is how used to his horrible life within prison he had gotten. He gets headaches from fresh air because he's now allergic to it. He can't digest real food properly. So he had to eat bread for months to avoid getting sick. And he's so used to arguments ending in murder that he gets extremely worried that his family will kill each other during arguments and is shocked when they don't.
  • 5 Reasons Life with Epilepsy is Weirder Than You Think: Rachel's symptoms sound very unpleasant. She sustains a lot of injuries. Her epilepsy makes everyday tasks potentially dangerous. She can't drive after a seizure because her mind isn't all there afterwards. She's also constantly worried about having another seizure.
  • 5 Bizarre Realities of Being a Man Who Was Raped by a Woman Because the only thing worse than being raped is being ignored for not fitting the "victim" mold.
  • 5 Weird Realities Of Suicide (Thanks To Twitter). The description of how hard it can be when a loved one's death is taken over by a completely misleading viral campaign is pretty heart-wrenching, especially when reading about the ignorant comments people made at the funeral.
  • As noted on the Nightmare Fuel page, 6 Realities In A Super Religious Family That Wants Me Dead has one of the bleakest endings of any article on the site - "Azime" hasn't responded to any of the emails from Cracked staff since the article itself wrapped up, not even one of disapproval.
    So, Azime, if you just dropped your laptop in a puddle or spontaneously joined a kung fu monastery, please get back in touch with us as soon as you either get a new MacBook or master the Rising Dragon Kick. We're worried.
    • This is coupled as a minor (in the face of the major Nightmare Fuel and Tearjerker above) Heartwarming, as practically every comment on the article includes a plea for an update on "Azime"'s status if/when Cracked staff find out. For "Azime", this doubles as a Moment of Awesome, as despite being reasonably afraid for her life, she spoke out and shared her experiences.
  • Creepiest 'Where Are They Now' Ever: The Power Rangers Curse Is basically just a list of all the actors from the Power Rangers franchise who have died (or in the case of two actors, committed murder). Luis Prada ends it with this depressing bit of text:
    So, there you go. I hope your childhood is now as completely buttfucked as mine, because it at least makes me feel a bit better that I'm not going through this trauma alone. If you read this thing with even a fraction of what I experienced in researching and writing it, we're now forever connected.
    But if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone right now. I'm going to go sit in my closet with the door shut and cry until I black out from the emotional stress.
  • #1 in 26 Side By Side Comparisons That Fix Your Image Of History is just bleak.
  • 6 Horrific Realities When Your Skin Falls Off For No Reason. Just read through that. And remember to keep some tissues handy.
  • 6 Ways Being A Child Star Is Way Darker Than You'd Think is just heartbreaking from start to finish. Spare a thought for the kids like "Kathy", who had an eating disorder by the time she was seven thanks to her abusive stage dad.
  • Why I Kept My Rape By A Priest A Secret (And Can't Anymore) is as bad, if not worse than the title sounds about a kid who was raped by a Pedophile Priest for a year and a half instead of receiving help at a confessional. And that's only the premise.
    You think this is foreshadowing, building up to something. You're wrong. It gets bad, starting now. Please consider yourself warned.
    Victim: There's no message of hope. Things don't get better.
    Caption: Not every sad story gets an inspirational ending. Sometimes, tragedy simply stays tragic.
  • 6 Dark Places Tastelessly Turned Into Tourist Traps has its top two examples of humanity at its worst. #2 has tourists at the slums, leading to a picture of two tourists taking a photo of a poor kid like an animal in the zoo. #1 has people taking pictures at recent disaster zones, where human decency is apparently non-existent.
    drs_22: The image of those women taking a picture of those children is the most fucked up thing I've seen in a loooooong time. And I browse 4chan.
  • In late 2017, the site lost a number of its most popular contributors. Daniel O'Brien, J.F. Sargent, Katy Stoll, Cody Johnston, Luis Prada, Katie Goldin, David Bell, Tom Reimann, Ian Fortey, John Cheese, Robert Brockaway, and Carmen Angela were all unceremoniously laid off, while Michael Swaim and Soren Bowie had left of their own accord not long before. For longtime fans of the site, the loss of so many of the people who helped make the site as successful as it became is nothing short of devastating.
  • 6 Realities of Growing Up Expecting the Apocalypse. It looks at the mindset of people who thought the world would end from the perspective of one now-adult man who had a mother that earnestly believed it. In addition to a young child being Conditioned to Accept Horror, when the world inevitably didn't end, the kid was mercilessly made fun of by his classmates. His mother basically went into a catatonic level of sadness, and his parents divorced.
  • Your Neighbors Try To Murder You: 6 Realities In A Genocide, is as bleak as it sounds. A Bosnian Muslim witnessed his fellow Yugoslavs turn on him and kill his family in a matter of weeks. Even sadder what that the genocide succeeded as the survivor and his fellow Bosnians never rebuilt their community, which became majority Serb.
    Subdin: "They lost this kind of feeling which we all have of being at home. This kind of feeling is the same for everybody — to be at home, to be happy, to have a family. And this is the most expensive thing in the world. This is happiness."


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