Quotes / Universe Falls

Arc One

• "The Shack Below"
  Stan: After all, I promised your parents that you'd both get home at the end of the summer in one piece. You wouldn't want to make your Grunkle Stan a liar, would you?
  Dipper: You mean even more of a liar than you already are?

  Mabel: Just you wait, bro; this grappling hook will save our lives someday!
  Dipper: Yeah, or put them in even more danger…
• "The Temple Above"
  Pearl: Well… Still, I'm not sure how I feel about you going down there (the Mystery Shack) all the time… Especially considering the fact that its owner isn't the most… trustworthy man…
  Steven: What? Don't be silly, Pearl! Mr. Pines is the best. One time, he even gave me a half-eaten candy bar just to get me to leave the shack! What a guy!
  Garnet: How thoughtful.
  Steven: I know, right?
• "The Journal"
  Steven: Hi, Mr. Pines!
  Stan: Oh, geez. Just what I need: more hyperactive childhood innocence. As if Mabel didn't have enough of that.
• "Gem Glow"
  Stan: Soos, how many times do I have to tell you? There are no giant groundhogs! The groundhog that stole your sandwich last week was regular-sized.
  Soos: But what if the smaller ones are their spies?!

  Dipper: So… you're basically like holograms… but with mass?
  Pearl: Exactly! That's a perfect way of putting it.
  Amethyst: Hey Garnet. Nice mass.
  Garnet: I know.
• "Legend of the Giant Woman"
  Dipper: I hate to break this up, but aren't you guys supposed to be on lookout?
  The boat crashes into the shore
  Steven: Look out!
  Mabel: We are lookout geniuses!
• "Headhunters"
  Pearl: What crime?! This may be a case of property damage, but it's a far cry from an actual murder! They're wax figures for crying out loud!
  Amethyst: Wow, Pearl. No need to be so insensitive. That's just rude, you know.

  Dipper: Don't worry, officers. The evidence is irrefutable
  Mabel: It's so irrefutable.
  Steven: I'd say it's downright intrusive!
  Connie: I think you mean conclusive, Steven.
  Steven: That too!

  Stan: Is there any reason why you aren't wearing any clothes, kid?
  Steven: Why does everyone keep asking me that?
• "Strong in the Real Way
  Steven: Just you wait! We'll be the toughest, strongest men the world has ever seen!
  Manotaurs: *growl angrily*
  Steven: A-aside from you guys, of course!

  Pearl: Um... what's going on here?
  Mabel: We're teaching Grunkle Stan how to talk to women! Wanna watch?
  Pearl: ...No.

  Chutzpar: HEY YOU! "We don't care how big you might be; no woman is gonna come up here and wreck our turf! So beat it!
  Sugilite: Your turf? Yeah right! This place is mine now, boys, so why don't you beat it! Or how about I just beat all of YOU! *throws rock at the manotuars*
  The manotaurs run back to the man cave fearfully
  Dipper: Huh. So much for "a real man never runs away from a fight".
• "Magic and Mystery"
  Pearl: The Red Eye is sort of like a meteor. If we don't do anything about it, then it will crash into Gravity Falls and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious, innocent people. That's why we have to stop it!
  Steven: Whoa! This is sorta like that one video game where you have to stop the moon from falling on this town in three days!

  Stan: What, do you think I was born yesterday?
  Amethyst: Compared to us, you are!

  Dipper: Steven, what's Lion's deal with always trying to scare me to death?
  Steven: That just means he likes you!

  Bill: You know, maybe I could help with that!
  Yellow Diamond': Oh, joy… Its you again… What business do you have here, demon? I thought our plans were already solidified.
  Bill: Aw, c'mon now, Yellow! How could I stay away from my favorite Diamond? And besides, you know you love me!
  Yellow Diamond: Please. Don't make me laugh. I'm in no mood for your foolish games.

  Bill: Aw, don't be so blue, Yellow! After all, what's a few earthling fleshbags to all your POWERFUL forces and ADVANCED technology?
  Yellow Diamond: I don't appreciate your sarcasm, demon. But even so, if there are indeed still rebels on Earth, then I will do whatever it takes to crush them into obliteration. I will not lose that planet again…

Arc Two

• "Lil' Gideon"
  Stan: And besides, you don't even need to go to anywhere to learn that Gideon's a fake! He's about as much of a psychic as I am a flamenco dancer.
  Steven: Mr. Pines, you're a flamenco dancer? Wow, I'm learning so much about you guys today!

  Steven: Wow, Garnet. I didn't know you knew so much about relationships! You're like the romance master!
  Garnet: I guess you could say that...

  Gideon: With you gone, Universe, this town will have one less pesky Crystal Gem in it to get in my way!
  Steven: What do you have against the Gems anyway?
  Gideon: You really think those Gems are worth defendin'? Don't make me laugh. Those three have so much power, power that no one in this backwoods hick town could ever comprehend. And what do they use it for? 'Helpin' people. 'Savin' 'em. It's a such a waste! If I had powers like those… this town would be mine!
• "Copies and Clones"
  Greg: Look, I'm sorry, but the truck's fat.
  Manly Dan: My FIST is fat!

  Stan: (to Steven and his clones) Yeesh. Listen, I don't care how many of you there are, the folks in there are still expecting some live entertainment. So you all better sort things out and fast, or else I have to resort to letting Soos beatbox, which I'd really rather not.

  Connie: Ok, that's it. Mabel, you have to win. If only so we can see that smug grin of (Pacifica's) disappear.
  Mabel: Wow, Connie, I didn't know you could be so… hostile. It's kinda scary honestly.
  Connie: Well, what can I say? Steven's not the only one who's feeling feistier than usual tonight.
• "Bottomless Pit"
  Pearl: The crust of the earth is only about thirty five kilometers deep, and no form of penetration, by man or nature, has ever extended to its furthest depths. Even if such a thing as a bottomless pit could exist, it would have to-
  Stan: 'Blah, blah, blah, science, blah, blah, boring'. That's all I'm hearing. Go ahead and doubt all you want. I'm telling you, this pit is as bottomless as I wish my wallet was.

  Pearl: Oh Garnet, what are we going to do?!
  Garnet: Canonball. *jumps into pit*
• "Lion and Waddles"
  Robbie: What is that thing? The world's most girly stuffed cat?
  Steven: This is my lion: Lion.
  Robbie: Sure, and I'm a panda.

  Steven: Well, I think Lion's one of a kind… But there are plenty of other pink animals out there that would make neat pets. Like… flamingos, and, um… well, I'm sure there are tons of pink fish, and… uh…
  Mabel: (spotting Waddles) PIGS!
  Steven: Oh, yeah! Pigs! How could I have forgotten about them?

  Dipper: Are you coming too, Steven?
  Steven: Well... As long as there aren’t going to be any crazy versions of my past selves trying to kill me… then count me in.

  Mabel: Where are we? The seventies?
  Dipper: You sent us back 150 years, genius! It's pioneer times!
  Steven: Then where are all the parrots and peg-legs?
  Dipper: That's pirate times, Steven.
• "Arcade Mania"
  Pearl: Why am I doing so badly?! I've been following all of the proper driving ordinances to the T and I haven't crashed into anything!
  Mabel: Pearl, that's not the point of this game! The point is that you're supposed to crash into everything!
  Pearl: What?! That's horrible! And completely unrealistic. Everyone knows that crashing a vehicle can be completely fatal to humans! Why would anyone make a game centered around something so dangerous!?

  Rumble: I need power ups!
  Dipper: Power ups? Like... what?
  Steven: Oh, I know! A lot of games have food as power ups! Like the power truffles in Super Plumber Mustache Brothers or cow's milk in the Tale of Helga: Fife of Dimensions! So maybe Rumble's just hungry!
  Rumble: I hunger for justice and punching!
  Dipper: I don't know if we can get you any justice or punches… But we'll see what we can do.

  Amethyst: So what's the plan? Are we gonna throw Stan off a building or something?
  Mabel: What? No! Why would we do that?
  Amethyst: Wait, you mean that's not how humans get over being afraid of heights?
• "An Indirect Kiss"
  Dipper: Ok, how are you not seriously hurt from that? You fell off a cliff! I know guys are super-durable or whatever, but you can't be that durable.
  Amethyst: Uh, yeah we are. We're like ROCKS.
  Mabel: Literally!

  Stan: The point is it's all a huge sham that Garnet and Pearl told you about just to make you feel better. Like how I ate all the cookies Mabel made and I told her I would buy her the stuff to make more when I really have no intentions of doing so. Or when I tell Dipper that he won't have such a bad time during puberty when he'll probably hate every awkward second of it.

  Pearl: Garnet, are you really sure about this?
  Garnet: They (Dipper and Mabel) wanted to come with us so they could prove themselves to us. We might as well give them that chance.
  Pearl: But… but they're human…
  Garnet: Pearl, you've been on this planet for hundreds of years. You should know not to underestimate humans by now.

  Stan: You know, you can't really give up either. F-for the kid's sake, of course. Cause if anything happens to you, then he really will be crying.
  Amethyst: (backwards) It's not like I can really do much about cracking, Stan. But its nice to know you actually do care, even if you don't act like it.
  Stan: Uh... well... It'd be pretty boring of you to... ya know... kick the bucket, or whatever it is you Gems do just from falling off a cliff. Especially considering all of the crazy messes we used to get ourselves into back in the day.
  Amethyst: (backwards) Heh, yeah, those were the days... Guess now is as good a time as any to tell you... how much I wish things could be like that again...

• "Measure Up"
  Stan: Greg, what have I told you about letting your kid spit seeds all over my porch?
  Greg: I… Mr. Pines, you never told me anything about that.
  Stan: Well, write this down for future reference: I don't like it

  Amethyst: So listen up. Way deep in the woods there's a whole bunch of these crystal things. According to Pearl, they're leftovers from some giant magical Gem weapon that was broken super long ago. But anyway, these things can make stuff grow or shrink whenever the light hits them. Pretty cool, huh?
  Dipper: That is cool! But wait… this isn't just you trying to prank me, is it?
  Amethyst: Dude, if I wanted to prank you I would have just told you that you can grow just by standing in the sun like a plant does.

  Steven: Would you like to be my first customer, Mabel? I'm sure Mr. Pines will let me give you some kind of dis-
  Stan: (from inside) No discounts! No exceptions!
  Mabel: Boo! That's no fair, Grunkle Stan! I really want one (a Watermelon Steven)!
  Stan: It's called capitalism, pumpkin! Get used to it!
• "Gems and Journals"
  Steven: (to the Gems) Wait! We can help you guys!
  Garnet: No.
  Dipper: But why not?! We've already proven to you three several times that we can handle this sort of thing! Why won't you just trust us?!
  Pearl: Because you're not even supposed to be in here in the first place! We told you it was dangerous, but you didn't listen!
  Garnet: You didn't trust us. Which is why we can only trust ourselves with something like this.

  Garnet: Steven, your mother always believed that trust was something that shouldn't be so easily given away. She believed it was something that should be earned, and that everyone should give others the chance to earn it. And… perhaps… we haven't given you four that chance. Until now.
• "Mirror Gem"
  Dipper: I'll start with something simple. How long were you in that box for?
  Mirror!Lapis: …who knows how long.
  Dipper: That's what I'm asking you!
  Mirror!Lapis: Don't be rude!

  Dipper: I can't believe I'm saying this to a mirror of all things but… thanks.
  Mirror!Lapis: Thanks.
  Dipper: Wait… what? Are… are you trying to thank me?
  Mirror!Lapis: Yeah!
  Dipper: I… I don't understand. For what?
  Mirror!Lapis: You-found-me!

  Mirror!Lapis: Mabel-is-hilarious!
  Mabel: Aw, thanks mirror! You're so sweet!
  Mirror!Lapis: You're so sweet!
  Mabel: No, you're so sweet!
  Mirror!Lapis: No, you're so sweet!
  Mabel: No, you're so sweet!

  Steven: It doesn't want to go with you! Can't you hear it screaming?
  Garnet: Steven, it's just a mirror, a tool. It can't want anything.
  Dipper: You're wrong! It talked to us! It has a personality and everything! You can't just-
  Garnet: I can and I will. You three should have never found that mirror in the first place. You'll thank us for this later.
• "Waterfall Gem"
  Mabel: Pft, dangerous-schmangerous. We've been up against worse! Like robotic lake monsters, or candy-obsessed monsters, or living vines, or insane watermelons! Basically, we fight a lot of monsters and plants.
  Connie: I… really need to hang out with you guys more…

  Stan: (to Garnet) I'll give you a $20 to switch places with me.
  Garnet: You and I both know you won't.
  Stan: Fair enough.

  Dipper: (to the Gems) Just how many mysterious secrets do you guys have?
  Stan: Forget it, kid. You'd be here all day trying to count all of the secrets these three try to keep from everyone.
  Amethyst: Come on, Stan. Don't act like you don't have any dirty laundry of your own.
  Stan: Not as much as you guys, that's for sure.

  Lapis: What's an alien?
  Mabel: Aliens are like these little green guys with big heads and huge eyes. Well, at least the aliens on TV are. But I don't think any of you guys look anything like that.

Arc Three

• "Irrational Treasure"
  Garnet: The last thing we want is a repeat of Pioneer Day 1968.
  Pearl: (cringing) There were so many fish…

  Pearl: Well, Well... Looks like someone finally had the common sense to put you right where you belong, Stan. You know, back in the real pioneer days, they used to lock the town's most sleazy crooks in these very stocks. So I guess this is actually quite fitting.
  Stan: Can it, Pearl. I think I've been through enough torture today. I don't need any more from having to listen to you run your yap.

  Steven: (To Lion) You have a sword in your head?! Why don't you tell me you can do these things you do?!
  Trembly: Ah, yes! Why didn't I think of this? After all, everyone knows that lions are the best place to store one's weapons!
• "Space Race"
  Dipper: Grunkle Stan, are you sure you should be using a blow torch to make a grilled cheese sandwich?
  Stan: I dunno. Are you sure you should be using your mouth to complain about it?

  Stan: (To Pearl) Whoa there, Armstrong. You're not taking the twins into space. Especially not with odds like that.
  Mabel: Aw, what? But Grunkle Stan, we wanna go! Right, Dipper?
  Dipper: I'd wanna go more if there wasn't a 1 in 100 chance that we'll die out there, Mabel. (Mabel elbows him) Ow! I mean—y-yeah, we totally want to go. And preferably, not die in the process.

  Greg: Oh, I'm so glad you're ok, Steven! Maybe now you'll listen to me about going on crazy space missions. You know, I feel like that's something very few other fathers even have to say.

  Pearl: Um, kids? I'm so sorry. I almost got us all killed…
  Dipper: I think we're getting used to almost getting killed on a regular basis now. Not that that's a good thing, but still, it's not as crazy as it used to be.
• "The Deep End"
  Mabel: You know, a few weeks ago I met a Gem who had real water wings! As in, they were wings, made out of water. Still, I bet she'd be a pretty good swimmer!
  Mermando: Oh I get it! She would be a good swimmer because she has real water wings! Very funny!

  Poolcheck: No ukuleles at my pool!
  Steven: What? Why not?
  Poolcheck: Do you SEE this thing, kid? It's a choking hazard waiting to happen! Any innocent fool could drown trying to swallow this whole!
  Connie: People don't… eat ukuleles… Well... at least most people don't...
• "Future Vision"
  Stan: Pfft, this whole 'future vision' thing sounds like some kind of magical nonsense to me. If you can really see what's gonna happen in the future, then what am I about to do right now?
  Garnet: I just said I can't see into the future. But as for what you might do in the future… You'll probably send Soos in here to clean up this mess and then go back to stocking meat up for the apocalypse.
  Stan: Ha! Shows what you know, stretch! I wasn't planning on doing any of that! It just goes to show that fortune telling or future vision or whatever it was you called it is nothing more than a bunch of malarkey. (walking away) Soos! There's a huge mess in the gift shop! Get in there and clean it up for me, will ya!? I'm busy stocking up on all of that brown meat I have to get ready for the apocalypse!

  Amethyst: Yes! Finally some action! Pearl, you're being such a bada-
  Pearl: Amethyst!

  Stan: Y'know, if I was a more responsible uncle, I'd think twice about letting the twins hang around you Gems, considering how much danger you guys are constantly putting them in. Good thing I don't really care.
• "Miss Mystery"
  Pearl: Please, Stan. The Mystery Shack couldn't be more fake. Anyone with eyes can see that everything in there is just a shallow, tawdry ruse.
  Stan: I don't know what half of that meant, but thank you.

  Connie: Dipper, what if this doesn't end up working?
  Dipper: Oh don't worry. It's going to work.
  Connie: Ok, but-
  Dipper: Connie, you don't understand. This has to work. Mabel can't lose the bet! I can't go back to back to wearing that wolf boy costume! I just can't!
• "On the Run*
  Amethyst: You guys need to get over yourselves. Have you ever tried maybe not being such wimps?
  Dipper: …Doesn't running away technically make all three of us wimps?

  Mabel: Me and Pearl have been looking like, everywhere for you guys! I'm so glad we finally found you! (slaps Dipper and Steven on the backs of their heads)
  Dipper: Ow! Mabel, what-
  Mabel: That's for running away without telling me, you dummies! I was worried sick about both of you! The least you could have done was tell me about this. Then I could have come along and joined in on the fun too. I would have even packed us some cookies for the road!
  Steven: Well, they probably wouldn't have lasted that long anyway thanks to the raccoon…
• "Land Before Swine*
  Mabel: The Gems don't force Steven to put Lion outside, so you shouldn't force me to do the same to Waddles.
  Stan: Oh sure, and if the Gems let Steven go into space then you'd wanna go too, huh? Oh wait, that actually happened.

  Pearl: But I suppose the best way to start is with some proper reconnaissance.
  Soos: Is reconnaissance where all those famous artists come from?
• "Straight to Video"
  Mabel: Cupcakes are the number one pre-bedtime snack! All the experts agree!
  Dipper: And by experts you mean... you, right?
  Mabel: Yep!
  Dipper: There's pretty much no trying to argue with that logic then.

  Rose: Isn't it remarkable, Steven? This world is full of so many possibilities. Each living thing has an entirely unique experience. The sights they see, the sounds they hear, the lives they live... are so complicated... and so simple. And there's no place on this planet where that's more clear to see than right here, in Gravity Falls. There are things here that I've never seen anywhere else, things that still amaze me every time I encounter them. So many strange, yet wonderful creatures and people... I can't wait for you to join them. This place is so special to me, Steven. And I hope it will be come just as special to you someday...
• "Revenge Trip"
  Amethyst: Look at it this way; sure, Gideon's a clever little punk who ruined your new attraction and has a way flashier setup than yours. But you still have something that he doesn't.
  Stan: Oh yeah, what's that?
  Amethyst: Oh wait... you wanted me to give you an answer to that? Because I thought you would have one.

  Stan: What's it to you, kid? I'm a grown adult and Amethyst is a... grown magical rock person. Which means we're allowed to be out as late as we want and do whatever we want while we're out.

  Amethyst: So, you got a name, old guy?
  Stan: Yeah, I got a name for ya. It's amscray before I call the cops.
  Amethyst: Huh, kind of a weird name, but whatever. K, Amscray-Before-I-Call-The-Cops, I'm Amethyst! Nice to meet ya!

  Amethyst: It's just... I'm not as strong or as smooth as the other Gems. Garnet's really powerful, Pearl's super smart, and Rose... Rose can do anything. And me? I'm just the dumb ol' rock that follows them around...
  Stan: Heh, I know how that feels.
  Amethyst: You do?
  Stan: Course I do. When I was a kid, everyone used to always compare me to—everybody else. And when it came right down to it... Well, let's just say I was never at the top of anyone's list.

  Amethyst: Oh yeah? W-well, who said I ever needed you to make me feel better?! I was just fine before I ever met you! Back then, I had Rose, and she'd always tell me that I was special, that I was important, no matter what!
  Stan: Oh wow, real inspiring. I'm sure she really meant it too. Just like how she said she was gonna stick around you guys forever, huh? And look at how that ended up turning out.
  Amethyst: Don't you ever talk about Rose like that! You think its not hard enough that she's gone?! I don't need to be reminded of it, especially not by you! You couldn't possibly how hard it is to just lose someone like that!
  Stan: Oh really?! Because I know what its like to lose someone important too. I knew about that way before you ever did! In fact, I- (pause) See, this right here is why we stopped doing Revenge Trips...

  Pearl: How have you two been keeping up this insane ruse for eight years?!
  Stan: Uh, maybe its because we're way smarter than you, stretch? Ever thought about that one?
  Garnet: Clearly you weren't smart enough to not get arrested.
• "Dreamscaperers"
  Mabel: (to Dipper) Stan's not hard on you, silly! He just likes showing tough love sometimes!
  Steven: Yeah, like when he tells me and the Gems that we're 'annoying' and that we're the 'worst neighbors ever'. Amethyst says that's just Mr. Pines' way of joking around with us! Which means he must love joking around with us because be says that sort of stuff all the time!
  Dipper: (sarcastically) Sure, Steven. That's what that means.

  Bill: Oh Gravity Falls! It is good to be back! Haven't seen this old place since that night I shook up those four space rocks years ago! But I'll spare you the boring details on all that. Spoilers, ya know.

  Stan: (to Soos and Amethyst) Listen, you two. I'm gonna let you in on something.
  Amethyst: What, about how you wet the bed until you were like, thirteen. Because you already let that one slide to me, Stan.
  Stan: N-no! And I never said anything about that!

  Greg: Aw, come on, Mr. Pines. The Gems really aren't that bad once you get to know them.
  Stan: Sure, Greg. Of course, you're only saying that because you're head over heels for one of them.
  Greg: Heh, well I am a little guilty of that... But who knows? I'm sure if you just gave the Gems a chance then maybe you guys could actually get along!
  Stan: Ha! Yeah right! The day I make nice with any of those broads is the day pigs fly!
  Greg: Well, given how weird this town can sometimes be, I wouldn't say that's totally impossible...
• "Gideon Rises"
  Dipper: There's no way this is going to work out, is there?
  Garnet: It could...
  Dipper: But will it?
  Garnet: ...No.

  Steven: And besides, I'm sure Mr. Pines will think of something to tell your parents in the meantime. He's good at-
  Pearl: Lying?
  Steven: Well, I was gonna say coming up with stuff…
  Amethyst: Yeah, that's pretty much what lying is in a nutshell.

  Steven: (to the gnomes) You guys can't marry Connie!
  Jeff: Oh look, it's that Gem kid again. Are those three knockouts you live with still playing hard to get?
  Steven: Uh, yeah... Pearl's still kinda mad about the last time you guys tried to sneak into her room and sing that love song to her.
  Jeff: Hey, not all our plans can be winners. We're still short one queen here, no matter how you cut it. So (to Mabel and Connie), are one of you two dolls gonna marry us, or what?

  Gideon: Don't act like you don't know, Universe! It's clear to see that you're nothing but a two-timing, womanizing scoundrel!
  Steven: ...What?
  Gideon: Just look at yourself! Cheatin' on poor Mabel right in front of her with this other girl! You oughta be ashamed of yourself. Just goes to show that she should've chosen me instead of you.
  Mabel/Connie: What?!
  Steven: Cheating? What are you talking about? I'm not with-
  Gideon: Oh, and don't think I haven't forgotten about that little stunt you tried to pull at my openin' ceremony the other day! You almost had me worried there for a moment, tryin' to convince the townsfolk of the 'truth', but in the end, you should have known it was destined to fail. Face it, Universe; this town may like you, but they love widdle ol' me.

  Gideon: (to the townsfolk) P-please! I… I—It's not what it looks like! I-
  Pearl: Oh, its not? Because what it does look like is that not only were you blatantly spying on the people of Gravity Falls, but it also looks like you used a giant robot to chase down two defenseless, innocent children, nearly killing them both in the process, and then you proceeded to try and pin the blame on us for it. So, hm… I believe this certainly is exactly what it looks like. Wouldn't you officers agree?

Arc Four

• "Scary-Oke"
  Agent Trigger: If you don't mind me saying so, you three look a little… out of place in a small town like this…
  Steven: Oh, that's because the Gems are from spa-
  Pearl: Spain! W-we're from Spain! R-right, you two?
  Amethyst: Si.
  Garnet: Es precioso allí en esta época del año.

  Pearl: The problem, Steven, is that we've lived in Gravity Falls a very long time. Long enough that the people of this town have gotten used to our presence here and think little of it. But outside of Gravity Falls… well…
  Garnet: People out there don't adapt as well to the unknown as they do here. Especially to things like the supernatural.
  Amethyst: Yeah, or aliens.
  Dipper: But you guys are aliens!
  Amethyst: And your point is...?

  Greg: So um… have any of you guys seen Steven around lately?
  Amethyst: Nah, not since him and Connie ran off earlier. They're probably playing spin the bottle or whatever.
  Pearl: Amethyst!
  Amethyst: What? It's probably true.

  Mabel: K, so long story short, there's like a ton of zombies out there. So we're just hiding out in here, trying not to get eaten, you know, normal party stuff.
  Greg: Z-Zombies?! I'm in the bathroom for what, five minutes, and suddenly there are zombies running around?

  Stan: (to the Gems) And what are you three looking at!? Haven't you ever seen a man beat a zombie's head in before?

  Pearl: Still... I do happen to recall a certain someone promising us that he would be "super careful" with a certain journal… don't you, Dipper?
  Dipper: Right... I guess I sort of broke that one, didn't I?
  Amethyst: Sort of? Dude, you summoned a whole army of zombies. 'Sort of' doesn't come anywhere near close.
• "The Golf War"
  Amethyst: So when do we get to the part where we start beating each other with these weird sticks?
  Connie: Amethyst, that's… not how you play mini-golf. Though I'm pretty sure that is a good way to get arrested…
  Amethyst: Oh come on. First I can't throw cannonballs into the pool and now I can't hit people with sticks? Human stuff is so lame!

  Pacifica: Oh, and look who else turned up. Goofball, Glasses, and the Rhinestone Gems!
  Pearl: Oh, I'll show her rhinestones!
  Garnet: (stopping her) Easy...
  Pacifica: (to Garnet) Nice pants by the way. They really go with that whole cringeworthy 'stuck in the 70s' look you're trying to pull off and failing at.
  Garnet: On second thought...

  Connie: Where did you guys find a golf cart?
  Steven: Well, Dipper says we're just borrowing it, but considering all of the other iffy things we've done tonight, I'm pretty sure we're just gonna end up stealing it.
  Dipper: Steal, borrow, same thing.

  Dipper: (about Pacifica) Yeesh, I feel sorry for whatever poor sap ends up dating her in the future.
  Garnet: *laughs knowingly*
  Pearl: What's so funny?
  Garnet: You'll get it eventually.
• "Marble Madness"
  Mabel: (talking about the Spirit Morph Saga) Sounds like something that would be right up your nerdy alley, huh, bro-bro?
  Dipper: I've already read them all, actually.
  Connie: Wait, really? Finally, I have someone to talk to about them face to face with instead of having to resort to venting on message boards and fan sites!

  Mabel: But come on, you guys. When have Gem things ever been dangerous or violent before?
  Dipper: Are you seriously asking that question right now? Seriously?

  Steven: Yeah, but there's lots of other humans too! There's my dad, Connie, Mr. Pines, Soos, Wendy, Sadie, Lars, Onion… I think. But yeah, lots of people, including us!
  Peridot: Hm... I suppose it is impressive that your kind managed to survive this long… Even if you won't for very much longer.
  Dipper: Whoa, hold on, what?!
• "Into the Bunker"
  Garnet: We don't know who the author is, but he somehow knew a lot about us. It would have made sense for him to have gotten that information by observing us right behind our backs.
  Steven: Literally!

  Shape Shifter: Well, well, well... After all these years… Finally, you Gems come crawling back down here… Oh, but it seems that we're two short. Tell me, where's that tall, skinny one? Or better yet, that meddling Rose Quartz? What I wouldn't give to rip her to shreds for helping him trap be down here in this subterranean hell all those years ago!
  Amethyst: Uh, what are you talking about, dude?
  Shape Shifter: You mean you don't remember?!How could you not!? You were both there! All four of you Gems played a hand in what happened here over thirty years ago!
  Garnet: We don't know what you're talking about, but if we really did have a hand in subduing you all those years ago, then we'll gladly do it again.

  Shape Shifter: And so once again, you Crystal Gems think you've bested me… (to Garnet) That 'future vision' of yours may grant you glimpses of what's to come, but it can't fill in the gaps of your past, can it? He must have done something to you three, something that made you forget about all of this… Still, I can't help but wonder if Rose herself ever had those gaps at all…

  Garnet: Dipper, there's no reason for you to feel ashamed over what happened. It's true that sometimes these things simply just… don't work out. But that doesn't mean that this was your only chance at finding love. That special someone is out there for you, trust me.
  Dipper: You wouldn't happen to know who that special someone is, would you?
  Garnet: (laughing) Even if I did tell you, you'd never believe me.

  Stan: So what happened to (Amethyst) this time anyway? She didn't throw herself off another cliff again, did she?
  Garnet: She got hit playing chicken with a train.
  Stan: Again? That's like, the third time she bit it to a train, isn't it? Sheesh, Amethyst will never learn, will she?
• "Alone Together"
  Mabel: (to Stevonnie) So who's in charge of what? Does Steven control your legs while Connie works the arms, or is it the other way around? Do guys take turns talking or are you both talking at the same time and it comes out as one voice? Do you have any special fusion powers? Like flying? Or singing really good? Not that you guys can't already do a great job of that when you're apart, but still.

  Mabel: That's it! I've been trying to come up with a name to call you guys and Stevonnie is perfect for you two!
  Dipper: Uh, its literally just Steven and Connie's names mashed together.
  Amethyst: Yeah, that's what makes it so great. Because they literally are Steven and Connie mashed together.

  Kevin: Well, look who it is. I guess you're really not over me after all, Wendy. Not that I blame you though; I'd get jealous too if I saw me flirting with another girl.
  Stevonnie: Doing what with another who now?
  Wendy: Ugh, get real, Kevin. I broke up with you, remember? Then again, it was probably hard for you to pay attention to me dumping you since you were too busy swooning over your own reflection.
  Kevin: Whatever. Why don't you just step aside and let me and this cutie dance?
  Wendy: They're not interested.
  Kevin: Why don't you let her decide that for herself?
  Stevonnie: Oh, well, uh... She's right… I-I'm really not interested…
  Wendy: See? Told you. Oh, and if I catch you messing with them again tonight, then there won't be any teeth left in that stupid, smug smile of yours. Just keep that in mind, 'baby'.

  Mabel: Dipper! I just got the best idea ever! We should fuse, go in there, and beat the snot out of that Kevin guy for messing with Stevonnie! It's the perfect plan!
  Dipper: You know, Mabel, that's a great plan, it really is. Except… there's just one tiny problem with it.
  Mabel: Oh yeah? And what's that?
  Dipper: We can't fuse! We're not Gems, remember?
  Mabel: Oh yeah...
• "Together Forever"
  Dipper: Uh, well… you see, Grunkle Stan… That's sort of… Mabel and Steven… fused together into… the same person…
  Stan: Fused? You mean that crazy thing the Gems do with each other where they turn into huge broads with a bunch of eyes and arms?
  Maven: Yep! And this broad just so happens to have four of those! The eyes, I mean. We only have two arms! By the way, what's a broad?
  Stan: Geez, well, there's no question about it. That's definitely Mabel and Steven in there. Nobody else is as goofy or naive as those two.
  Maven: Aw, thank you!

  Stan: Whoo, I'm glad they left when they did. I was worried I was gonna have to give them 'the talk'.
  Soos: You can always give me 'the talk', Mr. Pines. And when you're done, then I can show you the fusion I drew of you and me! I call him 'Stoos'!
  Stan: Soos, put that thing away. It's making my eyes hurt just looking at it.
  Soos: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Pines. The next version will be even better. Maybe I'll give us four eyes, just like Maven! That way we can be Super Stoos!
  Stan: Yeah, you go ahead and do that. I'll just… be over here. Way over here…

  Garnet: When we fuse, most of the time, we do it for the sake of a mission or a goal. It allows us to work off of each other's strengths and become beings greater than ourselves. And that's exactly why it feels so 'amazing'. The excitement that you're feeling is exactly what you're supposed to feel. It means that your bond is stable, strong, healthy. And as a result, so is your fusion.
  Maven: Aw, thanks so much! You know, I knew we-
  Garnet: But there is a danger to that excitement, and to fusion itself, one that, due to your lack of experience with it, you both might be at risk of.
  Maven: W-what is it?
  Garnet: Losing yourselves. For some Gems, but not all, the longer they remain fused, the more their individual personalities begin to fade away into the fusion. And if they stay together for too long… then those personalities…
  Dipper: They… they disappear?
  Garnet: *nods*

  Dipper: And you guys really aren't worried about what Garnet was saying actually happening? You know, that whole thing were your personalities basically just disappear?
  Maven: Of course they're not! They're both still in here, in me! And I'm totally in control, just like I have been from the beginning and just like I'm going to stay until… until whenever!
  Connie: ...'They'?
  Maven: I-I meant we. We're both still in here.

  Connie: Maven, we don't hate you. It's just… we really miss Steven and Mabel.
  Maven: B-but... I… I am Steven and Mabel! Why isn't that good enough for you guys, or for the Gems, or for anyone else?!
  Dipper: Because you're not just Steven and Mabel anymore. You're Maven. Garnet was right; you two really are losing yourselves.
  Connie: You're both already so far gone that you just don't even see it! And that's why you have to unfuse. Before you guys disappear… forever…
  Maven: W-well... Well… maybe I don't want to unfuse!
  Connie: It doesn't matter if you 'don't want to'. You have to!
  Maven: No, I don't! What if I wanna stay like this, huh? What's the problem with just letting me have fun and be me?!
  Dipper: The problem is that if you guys stay like this, then Steven and Mabel will basically just… fade away. And I honestly don't think I have to tell you why that's a problem, seeing as how, like you said, they are you.
  Maven: O-oh, yeah? W-well... Well, I don't really care if they fade away or not!

  Maven: It's just… I love this feeling I have from being fused, from being together so much! I… I don't want it to end…
  Garnet: And it doesn't have to.
  Maven: But it will! Everyone's all worried about what will happen if Steven and Mabel fade away, but what about me?! If they unfuse, then I… I'll… I'll disappear… forever…
  Garnet: No, you won't. Maven, you are the embodiment of Steven and Mabel's friendship. You are a symbol of the close bond and trust between them. And as long as that bond exists, then you'll always exist in some form, whether they're fused or not.
• "Forever Alone"
  Stepper: Whoa... We actually look kind of…Great? Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking! W-well, I was gonna say…
  Mabel: Adorable! *snaps picture of him* Oh, that's a keeper for the scrapbook!
  Stepper: Adorable?! We are not adorable. Well… we might be, just a little… No, we're not!
  Mabel: So if you're not adorable, then what are you? Handsome? Because hey, you actually have muscles for once, Dipper. And the ladies love muscles.
  Stepper: Ok, this is getting weird.

  Mabel: Then again, it took us like, no time at all to get used to being Maven so… maybe you just need to be a little patient about it?
  Stepper: Patient about what? "Getting used to being… this? Look, I know it can feel a little weird and awkward—Oh, awkward doesn't even begin to describe how it feels—But it's so worth it! If you just give it a chance, then you'll see that it's really not so bad, I promise! Are you sure about that? Because it feels weird and uncomfortable and confusing and… and I just… I don't want to feel like this! But it's ok for you feel like this! I can feel it too, a-and it doesn't feel good, but I know how this can feel. So… how is it supposed to feel, then?
  Mabel: It's supposed to feel like the best thing that's ever happened to you, Ste-bro! Well, at least that's how it felt for us.
  Stepper: She's right. And that's how it felt for me and Connie too. And… I want it to feel like that for us… But… why? Because you're my friend, and you like I said before, you deserve to have a little fun. And as far as I know, there's no better way of having fun than fusion! You… you're really serious about this, aren't you? Of course, I am! But… I don't want to force you to be this if you really don't want to. I just… really hope you'll at least give this a chance… please?

  Amethyst: And man! Just look at you! Steven, I gotta hand it to you; first Connie, then Mabel, and now Dipper? You really get around! If you know what I mean…
  Stepper: W-what?
  Pearl: Amethyst!

  Mabel: Speaking of great, Isn't that what he (Stepper) is? Cause I certainly think so!
  Stan: Well, he sure is something, pumpkin. To be honest, I didn't know either of them swung that way, but eh, whatever floats their boats, I guess.
  Stepper: Uh… what's that supposed to mean?
  Stan: Oh, nothing. You'll get it when you're older.

  Peridot: Well, well, well. You three must think you're so clever, what with destroying the control room at the Prime Kindergarten. But you failed to anticipate that I wouldn't merely take your traitorous behavior lying down. I'm not about to let you defective rebels interfere with my assignment again! So, I figured, why not just take you three out the easy way and then simply proceed as planned!
  Amethyst: So what? Are you just gonna bore us to death all this 'revenge' talk or are we actually gonna fight?
  Peridot: Grrr, see this is exactly why you Crystal Gems deserve to be taken out! You're just a bunch of impetuous, annoying lumps!
  Garnet: Takes one to know one.

  Stepper: Are you seriously that embarrassed about being this that you can't even let it go during an emergency like this?! I'm not embarrassed, I just—Yes, you are! I can feel it! You're embarrassed by our arms, and our journal, and by being fused and… and by me. No, I'm not! I-I… I'm just… Oh, I don't know! Why does it even matter!? It matters because you need this! Need what? To be fused? Because at this point, I'm pretty sure that's the last thing I need! No, it's not just about being fused! It's about how you always try to shut yourself away from everyone! You always think you have to be alone, but you don't. I-I don't try to shut myself away from—Yes, you do and you don't even realize that you do it! That's why we set that party up for you! Because we wanted you to finally take everything off your shoulders and open up and just… have fun for once! But… you just won't let yourself enjoy this like I am… And that's why we can't find the harmony… The things we want… they're just way too different… We're way too different… O-oh yeah? Well what about you?! W-what about me? I never wanted to be this in the first place, but you're the one trying to keep us together just so you can have the same feeling you did with Connie and Mabel! No! That's not what I—Yeah it is, and I can feel it; it drives you crazy that we're not as compatible or as stable as Stevonnie and Maven were. That we're not as 'perfect' as they were! N-no, it doesn't! I… I just… I just wanted to have that feeling again… Well, sorry if I'm not good enough to give you that feeling! Because I guess the only things you're feeling with me is all of the stress and awkwardness and confusion that I've been feeling ever since any of this began! Hey, none of that's my fault! I'm the one making you feel any of that! Yes, you are, by forcing us to stay like this! W-what? I told you before, I'm not forcing us to do anything! But you are! You might have said that you weren't going to force us to be this, but you went back on it! When did I do that?! When we were falling apart back at the shack! I was ready to let go, I wanted to let go, but you wouldn't let me! You just… pulled us back together without even caring about whether or not I wanted you to or not… You didn't even ask… Y-you… you're right… I didn't ask… I didn't even think about… about what you were… what you might have… *unfuses*

  Steven: I knew you weren't comfortable, but I just kept pushing you and pushing you without even thinking about how much it might have hurt you! It's like… it's like I couldn't take no as an answer, and all because I wanted another 'perfect' fusion! But we weren't perfect, and I… I guess I just… couldn't accept that. You wanted out, but all I did was pull you back in every time, without even giving you a choice about it! I-I made you feel…
  Steven & Dipper: Trapped...

  Peridot: Who do you think you are, you interloping, four-armed… whatever you are!?
  Stepper: Who am I? Oh, nobody too special. But if you care so much about names, like some people do… Then I guess you can just call me Stepper.
• "Rose's Scabbard"
  Dipper: I… guess we'll just have to figure out a way to get this sword out of here ourselves then…
  Mabel: Oh! I'm thinking our plan to move it should include squirrel-driven sleds, or 'squeds' for short!
  Dipper: Mabel, I have a feeling that's… that the best idea in the world…
  Mabel: How will we know unless we give it a try?
  Dipper: We really don't need to try a plan like that to know it's not going to work!
  Mabel: Pfft, says you.

  Stan: Oh great, the "Rose Protection Squad" is here. What, are you here to worship the ground she walked on since she's not around for you sing her praises to her directly anymore?
  Pearl: How dare you! You have no right to say such terrible things about Rose, Stan! You barely even knew her!
  Stan: I knew her enough to know she was pompous, self-righteous snob. Sorta like you, Pearl. Guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.
  Pearl: You're wrong about her! Completely and absolutely wrong! Rose was kind, and selfless, and fair, and honorable, and-
  Stan: And nosy, and stubborn, and annoying, and most of all, she was a liar. Honestly, it's kind of mind blowing that you haven't figured that out yet after all these years, Pearl. Then again, I guess it's hard to see the truth when you're so blinded by that dumb crush you still have on her even now that she's gone!

  Steven: By the way, Mabel, here's that ice cream cone you asked me to store in (Lion's mane) last week.
  Mabel: Thanks, Steven! Wow! It's still cold and everything! I knew it wouldn't melt if I put it in there!
  Dipper: It has grass on the side of it.
  Steven: Well, since this grass came out of a magical lion's mane, I'm sure it'll taste just as magical! *licks it* Ugh! I was wrong! I was so, so wrong!

  Journal 3: It's clear to me now that in these uncertain times, the only one I can still turn to is my original research partner, the Gem I would trust my life with, Rose Quartz. In light of everything that's happened, I feel as though Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl would simply shun me, but Rose has never been so quick to judge. Despite her understandable outrage with the true nature of our project, the bond of confidence between us still stands. I was always able to bear my secrets to her, just as she often entrusted her own secrets to me. I can only hope that she'll understand. She has to understand. She's the only one I still completely trust…

  Pearl: To think that she would entrust her secrets, secrets that she only ever shared with me and me alone… to a complete and utter stranger… Who was he? Why didn't I know him? Why did he matter so much to her that she would trust him… over me?

  Journal 3: If there's one thing between the Crystal Gems that is completely without question, it's the breadth and depth of Pearl's unwavering devotion to Rose. Her ever word, thought, and action all seem to be aimed to the goal of showing her undying loyalty to her leader. While some might call this kind of behavior obsessive or even manic, I find her dedication to be quite admirable, something that Rose firmly agrees with me on. She once told me just how much she appreciates Pearl's endless resolve, how it serves as a constant inspiration to her to be the best leader she can be for all three of her fellow Gems. To pledge oneself to another, not out of fear, but out of the deepest sense of love and respect… its certainly understandable that such fidelity would serve as an inspiration, even to someone as inspirational as Rose Quartz herself.
• "Blendin's Game"
  Steven: You know, I know a thing or two about throwing a good party myself. Like the time I threw birthday parties for each of the Gems!
  Amethyst: Oh yeah, I remember that. You turned yourself into an old man and nearly kicked the bucket. Good times, good times…
  Greg: Y-you what?!
  Steven: Oh, don't worry, Dad! Everything turned out ok in the end! Well… mostly ok…
  Greg: I feel like I should be a bit more concerned with what goes on with you and the Gems when I'm not around...

  Stan: I even petitioned the government to have this day removed from calendars. Because of that, I'm not allowed to fly on airplanes anymore.
  Amethyst: Ohhhh, so that's why they wouldn't let me on that plane that one time I shape shifted into you!
  Stan: Why were you trying to get onto a plan disguised as me in the first place?
  Amethyst: I had my reasons…

  Steven: Mr. Blendin, whatcha doin'?
  Blendin: Getting ready to take you four on in Globnar!
  Steven: Why?
  Blendin: Because you kids got me fired and sent to jail!
  Connie: Why?
  Blendin: How should I know? P-probably because you thought it was funny to watch a well-respected time official lose everything he's ever worked for!
  Steven: Why?
  Blendin: Why what?! Nothing I just said was posed in a way that you could possibly have any questions about it! Y-you're not making any time-sense!

  Blendin: I-I can't believe you two let those kids get away! What kind of Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement officers to you think you are? Letting yourselves be outsmarted by four kids, kids from the ancient, backwards days of the 21st century, o-of all time periods! The century where they invented 'emojis' and 'internet memes'! These are dark times we're walking in, you two, dark times indeed.
  Dundgren: I can snap your neck in 235 different ways and if you don't stop talking then I'll utilize 27 of those ways right here and now, all at the same time.

  Blendin: Ugh, we don't have time for this! They're not part of your archaic little 'FBI'. They're officers of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron, sent from the year 207̃012 to help me capture four kids who I plan on completely and utterly annihilating in gladiatorial time combat!
  Greg: Yeesh, and I thought I was a mess… "Are you ok, buddy? You got some… problems you need to talk to someone about or something?
  Blendin: I don't have any problems! Lolph! Dundgren! E-enough wasting time! We have to find those kids so I can have my REVENGE!
  Dundgren: I'm still not entirely convinced I shouldn't use those 27 neck-snapping techniques on him
  Lolph: I say go for it.

  Greg: Aw, geez... What am I doing? I worry about this kid day and night, and I do everything can to keep him safe and happy and he still randomly disappears on me! Maybe… maybe I'm not really cut out for this dad thing after all…
  Garnet: Greg, don't sell yourself short. You spent all day looking for Steven, and I'm willing to bet it was all worth it come back here and see him safe and sound.
  Steven: It… it really was…
  Garnet: You may still be new at this, but if it's any consolation, so are we.And for what it's worth, I think you're doing a great job at this whole 'dad thing'. If she was still around, Rose would be very proud of you. Proud of both of you.
• "The Dinner Shack"
  Stan: (to Dr. Maheswaran) What? Me? Irresponsible? You don't know what you're talking about, lady. I let my niece and nephew run around pretty much wherever they want to, and they're both still alive and kicking. I mean, sure, there's been a few close calls, like that time both of them nearly drowned or the time we were all almost eaten by zombies, but still. Point is, I'm as responsible of a caretaker as they come, and I'm not gonna have some prude like you tell me otherwise!

  Priyanka: So, kids, Connie says that you two are only staying in Gravity Falls for the summer?
  Dipper: Uh, yeah, that's right.
  Doug: Oh, well that's a relief. At least we probably won't have to worry about any sort of unwarranted relationship developing between Connie and the boy.
  Connie: Dad!
  Mabel: *laughing* Oh my gosh, I-I can't believe they thought-They thought you guys have thing for each other! That's seriously the funniest thing I've ever heard! Though now that you mention it, you guys would be pretty cute together.
  Dipper: Mabel!
  Priyanka: Well, thank you for making things awkward, Doug… Or rather, even more awkward…
  Doug: How was I supposed to know?
  Stan: (to Dipper and Connie) Wait, you're telling me you two aren't an item? Huh, you're kiddin' me. And here I thought that nerds of a feather flocked together, or some kinda poetic garbage like that.

  Doug: Mr. Pines, everything you just said was not just unquestionable immoral, it was all completely illegal! How did you manage to pull any of that off!?
  Stan: By being smarter than any of the morons who tried to stop me, duh.
  Priyanka: But what would even possess you to do any of that nonsense in the first place? Certainly you know such an extensive criminal record stands as a horrible example for your niece and nephew, right?
  Stan: Pfft, come on. I'm a great example for the little runts. Why, if it wasn't for me, they they'd have pretty much no important life skills like breaking and entering, forgery, or pick pocketing. And if you don't take my word for it, just ask old six-arms over there.
  Alexandrite: Don't.
• "Dipper and Lapis"
  Steven: This is so nice. All of us, just hanging out and relaxing, without having to worry about any Gem monsters or paranormal creatures.
  Mabel: Yeah, like crazy golf ball people.
  Stan: Or brain-hungry zombies.
  Amethyst: Or jerky shapeshifters.
  Pearl: Or rampaging Gem robots.
  Garnet: Or awkward dinner parties.