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Clusterfuck
A bunch of douchebag frat boys get trapped in a cave with subterranean cannibal mutants and try to survive not by using their wits but by following the bro code . . .
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From master of Bizarro Fiction Carlton Mellick III, author of the international cult hits Satan Burger and Adolf In Wonderland, comes a violent and hilarious B movie in book form. Set in the same woods as Mellick's splatterpunk satire Apeshit, Clusterfuck follows Trent Chesterton, alpha bro, who has come up with what he thinks is a flawless plan to get laid. He invites three hot chicks and his three best bros on a weekend of extreme cave diving in a remote area known as Turtle Mountain, hoping to impress the ladies with his expert caving skills.

But things don't quite go as Trent planned. For starters, only one of the three chicks turns out to be remotely hot and she has no interest in him for some inexplicable reason. Then he ends up looking like a total dumbass when everyone learns he's never actually gone caving in his entire life. And to top it all off, he's the one to get blamed once they find themselves lost and trapped deep underground with no way to turn back and no possible chance of rescue. What's a bro to do? Sure he could win some points if he actually tried to save the ladies from the family of unkillable subterranean cannibal mutants hunting them for their flesh, but fuck that. No slam piece is worth that amount of effort. He'd much rather just use them as bait so that he can save himself.

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It's Tucker Max versus The Descent in this gore-filled comedy for the camp horror fan.


This work provides examples of:

  • Abusive Parents: A staple that carried over from Apeshit.
    • Trent's parents (more specifically his mother) encouraged him to be a bully, practically forcing him to adopt a dog-eat-dog, bullying stance on life. To better teach him this, his mother stopped giving him lunch money when he was a kid, instructing him that if he wanted to eat lunch at school, he would have to take it from his classmates. He instead used the pick-pocketing skills she taught him and took the money off of a neighboring bully and pretending that he was unable to get back the lunch money for a crippled kid the bully stole from.
      Trent's Mother: Nothing in this world is fair, my love. You have to do everything in your power to make sure you aren't the one holding the short end of the stick. You have to ask yourself: do you want to be the person doing the screwing or do you want to be the person getting screwed? There is no middle ground.
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    • Marta's biological parents were satanists that made her sacrifice a bunny every week to their dark lord Satan and treated her budding interest in Christianity as a regular nuclear family would treat a normal girl's interest in witchcraft. It was not until they forced her into a satanic wedding ceremony with Lucifer did the authorities take her away and find her a new home.
  • And I Must Scream: Trent is knocked unconscious by Lauren and is dragged off into the source of the mountain's cursed properties where she traps them both inside for the sake of "love." She has amputated all of his limbs where she then force-feeds him her own vomit. She tries to get him aroused, only to fail. Because of the properties of the mountain, neither of them will die and they will continue to live on, trapped in the cave for all of eternity.

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