From the first special, discussing the Monica Lewinsky affair:
Black: "Is oral sex adultery"? YES!!! There is no discussion!!! If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery! And oral sex should be an Olympic sport! Why? Because it's harder than curling, and if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal!
His story about how Bill Clinton was on two different channels and he kept switching back and forth: Being grilled about his affair was on one channel, and on the other channel he was making a speech at the U.N. where he received numerous standing ovations. He couldn't straighten out the dissonance in his mind.
Black: I'm sittin' there and I'm thinking, "Which one is real?!" And then, right before I passed out, I thought, "If it weren't for my horse..."
What concludes the topic and the special:
Black: But I learned something this year, it's this: When did the Dow Jones go up? It went up when he was getting his winky wet. Our country doesn't need a leader; it just needs a guy who's willing to get a hummer every now and then. And I think I'm just the man for the job.
Black loves to get a cold because it gives him an excuse to take Nyquil:
Black: What do you take when you get sick? Robitussin? Non-narcotic sissy pansy.
The very first words out of his mouth from the second special? "The new millennium... SUCKS."
On George W. Bush running for president:
Black: The worst part about George Bush, George W. Bush, is that nobody knows who he is! We don't know him! We've spent more time with our hair stylist than we have with him! NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE IS IN THIS COUNTRY! Okay? 38% of the American people think that George W. Bush is his father. And 50% think that they're twins. And 12% of the American people never will get that joke.
Later, he didn't think Al Gore was right in the head because he married a woman named "Tipper".
He was puzzled at Dan Quayle's comment: "We must look forward to the future, and past... to the back."
Black: How would you diagram that sentence?? Take a pencil out, sharpen it, and shove it in your eye!
He derided Bill Clinton's accomplishment that as governor, he improved his state's economy from 50th to 49th:
Black: Uh, yeah, Bill, that's something you should really keep a secret.
Black: When I was a kid, you ate, you drank, and you passed out, and nobody woke you up and said, "Let's go SHOPPING."
Later:
Black: Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, NOT "Christmas, Part One".
Also:
Black: When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ASS into it!
Discussing the 2002 Super Bowl Half Time Show, which was a tribute to the victims of 9/11, he said that by the end of it, he was "actually sick of freedom".
Black: I pined to be enslaved!
Noting how for Hanukkah, you light candles for nine nights in a row; as a kid, his family would stop after only a couple days.
Black: "Are we gonna light the other candles?" "Nah, enough's enough."
From Taxed Beyond Belief:
Lewis is convinced that nobody does their own taxes. Sure, some might guess at it, but he knows that when they go to sign their name at the end of it, all they're thinking is, "Well, this is the year I'll be going to jail. Maybe I can learn something while doing hard time."
A sound byte from John McCain:
John: Avoid your taxes, at all costs.
From Black on Broadway:
Complaining about how it's been so cold lately, he can't finish a thought.
Lewis: I find myself walking around going: "You know, I should really... FUCK IT'S COLD!!!"
His rant about how many different types of milk they have nowadays. Back when Lewis was a kid, there was only ONE kind: "Moo Cow Fuck Milk."
""Acidophilus milk"? What the fuck are you talking about?! Milk doesn't need a friend. That shit belongs in the yogurt section!"
"Lactose-intolerant milk"?! KISS MY DICK. If you're lactose-intolerant, you can't drink milk...so what's in the fucking carton? Get it away from my milk—it's talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself!
"There's no such thing as soy milk. It's "soy juice". But they couldn't call it "soy juice", because when you say "soy juice", you actually start to gag."
His bit about how, once the soda companies started bottling water, they said you needed to drink eight bottles of water per day:
Black: "Eight, you fuckers!" That's like a goddamn homework assignment! That's 56 bottles of water a week! You'd need a burro to carry that much shit around!
He also ranted about the nutritional facts on water bottles:
Black: Total fat. TOTAL FUCK FAT IN WATER. What that implies is that there is water with chunks of fat in it. And I gotta find that water, 'cause that's the tasty goddamn water!
Later in the bit, he said that scientists are now wondering if we're drinking too much water:
Black: And by the sound of your reaction, I realize that some of you... are FUCKED!!! You've been scarfin' this shit down. You've been yellin', "Look at me, look at me! My pee has no color!" That's because you've pissed all the nutrients in your brain away, and you're lucky that your head hasn't caved in.
"If the people of New Zealand wish to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands and push 'em closer."
People tell Lewis that New Zealand is beautiful, but he wouldn't know because any land would look good after a 14-hour plane ride. He then went into this tangent:
Black: We could have landed on a tiny iceberg, and there could have been just two penguins blowing each other. And I would have been thrilled to see them, and, I would have performed.
Mississippi's Big Fucking Thing
Black: Of course Mississippi. Because that's the place that no one has ever thought, "Boy, I got a vacation, I need two weeks in Biloxi!"
His bit about how many states are broke:
Black: They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen 'cause, who the fuck needs them. And firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down. In our city, New York, they've cut after-school programming. And if anybody needs to be distracted, it's those little pricks! So I said, you know, if you're gonna cut after-school programming, it seems to me the least you could do is give each one of those kids a knife. And they could whittle! THEY COULD WHITTLE! And sell their crafts at the fair.
Black, on Clinton and Bush:
Black: I will tell you this: If any of you were inspired by George Bush or Bill Clinton, then you were probably inspired by your high school principal.
Black explaining why Bush and Clinton weren't good leaders:
Black: Neither of them took responsibility for fuckin' anything. None of them! They're unbe-fuckin'-lievable! They pull shit and they go, "Well, I don't... (turns around) fuck."
This line about former TYCO CEO Dennis Kozlowski:
Black: He took from his company $463 million, because, well, he had to buy shit. Are you kidding me? He gets on the phone, "I'd like all of the corn in Iowa!" Dennis spent $16,000 on an umbrella stand. I will repeat that shit, my gentle snowflakes. He, a guy, it's a guy, it's a guy. Not even fruity, it's a guy, spent $16,000 on an umbrella stand. None of us, none of us would do that, because we have an umbrella stand where we live, and we call it a bathtub. My parents spent $16,000 on a used car. You could put a lot of umbrellas in there. Or you could drive to where it isn't raining! Now, when you spend $16,000 on an umbrella stand, it has got to be made out of something that is very special so that you say to yourself, "I must possess this." And I think it was probably made out of Martha Stewart's vagina. I can tell some of you are shocked, 'cause you didn't know she had one. But she does, and I heard it goes with any decor.
What would Black do if he was a CEO: hire a girl to be his "esteemed, professional ball-washer".
Black: Because I am a powerful CEO, and my nuts should be clean!
His rant about the Terror Alert color levels, because every time the news anchors said what color we were at, they had to explain the colors.
Black: Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: "Jesus Christ", "Goddammit", "FUCK ME"!
Tom Ridge's reaction to the first time America went to Code Orange:
Black: His job, really, as the leader, is to keep us calm. "I know this is a terrifying time," he should have said, "but everything's gonna be all right. Just keep alert, we're gonna get through this." And what did Tom do? He came out and went, "WE'RE FUCKED! WE'RE FUCKED!!! I don't know what's gonna happen! There could be giant ticks everywhere, we don't know!"
He did a bit on getting a rebate from the government, which only amounted to $400 per family:
Black: All $400 does is remind you how fucked you are! You'd have been better off if your congressman just came to your door and pissed on your foot. It's a dollar a day. One dollar a day. Um... do you know how to stretch that kind of money? Put your kid in a box and send him off to a Sally Struthers country where a dollar goes a long fuckin' way! And he can have all the dried milk he can choke down. And at the end of the year, you've got $35 left over so, at Christmas, you can give your kid two nice boxes of shit.
Black says that Americans worry about their health, and when you worry about it, you're gonna get sick. To prove his point, he told a story about how he was on a plane and was reading an article about diabetes. By the end of the flight, he had diabetes.
To prove that everyone's health is different, he shared an article about a guy in his hundreds who was still in relatively good shape and mentally clear, whose diet consisted of gallons of Thunderbird wine per week and bread fried in fatback. If he would've gone to a doctor, they would've immediately started him on a diet of fruits and vegetables:
Lewis: And he would've, and he would've been dead in a WEEK!
From Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues:
Talking about the first act to come onstage during the Janet Jackson halftime show:
Black: So on that fateful afternoon, the first one to come on stage is a singer whose name I cannot remember, singing a song I can't remember...because ten seconds into singing, he started to hold his dick! He was holding his dick! He was holding his dick while he was singing a song! Holding his dick—not letting go of it, not like "I'm checkin' my package"—holding his dick! FIRMLY holding it! Like, "Hey! D'ya see my dick? Here's my dick!" And when somebody's holding their dick, you can really not hear anything that they're fuckin' saying, can you? 'Cause the whole time, you're thinking, "Uhhh...why's he holding his dick?!" I thought, maybe it was a snake tryin' to get up his leg, but nope! That was his dick! Or so he says, 'cause I'll tell you, if I came out here and held my dick the whole time, I'd have to hold it like this! Or like this, and you'd go "What the fuck is that?" 'CAUSE NOBODY'S GOT A DICK THIS BIG! NOBODY'S GOT A DICK THAT THEY CAN PUT ON THEIR FUCKIN' LEG! I'VE BEEN IN GYM CLASSES — I HAVE SEEN PENISES!
His fear about ramifications that would result from the constitutional amendment banning gay marriage being passed:
Black: I'm afraid that millions of years from now, settlers will come and unearth our culture and look at the Constitution and read it and go, "Wow..." And then get to the part where it says that marriage is between a man and a woman and go "Look at this! The United States of America— those people were so fucked up that they had to write down what marriage was so they could remember it."
Black: The next morning I awoke at eight o'clock and turned on the TV, and watched as my beloved country... lost its goddamn mind. (audience laughs/applauds) There they were, there they were, every news station: "HOLY GOD, DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED AT THE HALF TIME SHOW YESTERDAY?! JANET JACKSON'S BREAST WAS EXPOSED, IT WAS HORRIFYING, let's take a look at it." "It was terrible! Let's look at it again!" "It was disgusting! Can we see that tit again?" "The Good Year Blimp flew over and we got a shot of the tit right from the blimp, let's look at that tit! It's 5:02, we haven't seen the tit since 5, let's look at that again." And then Congress, which doesn't do SHIT!... stops on a dime, "HOLY GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT TIT? LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT TIT!" And they locked themselves in, they probably got huge pictures of the tit so they could get a closer look at the tit. "See how big that tit is? It's insane how big that tit is!" They spent so much time looking at that tit, that I actually thought Osama Bin Laden was hiding in it!
From Red, White & Screwed:
When Black is ranting about anti-gay marriage individuals, he yells, "Are you crazy?!" and then takes a deep breath to calm down before continuing. That alone is hilarious.
His bit about how God in the Old Testament appears crazier than the God in the New Testament:
Black: Look at Abraham, the first man to have faith in one god, and what does God do? (as God) "Hey, Abraham, come here! Come here! Bring your kid, let's barbecue him! HAHAHA!!!" Moses spends his life, crosses the desert with them, forty years devoting to his people to get them out of Egypt, across the desert to the promised land, and God goes, "Hey, Mo, you're not getting in! Kiss my ass! HAHAHA!!!" Oh, there's a guy you wanna work for.
When talking about Michael Brown (head of FEMA during Hurricane Katrina), who previously ran horse shows:
Black: "Equestrian", by the by... that's the gayest word in the English language. As a matter of fact, I think the movie Brokeback Mountain should've been called "Two Equestrians".
Also in that bit, Lewis was clueless as to what to say while watching a horse show:
Black: "Look at the cock on THAT one! I'd say he's a winner, if he doesn't trip over it!"
When he was talking about how Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face while hunting, he did an impression of a quail:
Black: (as a quail) My life is BULLSHIT.
He was baffled by the idea of going quail hunting at all, much less in a controlled preserve that stacks the deck so far in the hunters' favor that it takes any sense of challenge out of it and officially stops being hunting.
Black: Going quail-hunting is like saying "I'm going fishing" and going to a goldfish bowl and going "GOT IT!" [...] There's a fence around the place! Son of a bitch! So basically they're tracking the deer— "Oh, look! We got it in the corner." They made a petting zoo into Auschwitz.
Saying the hunting accident was a really great metaphor for the war in Iraq, claiming that Iran should've been the target instead:
Black: (mimes aiming hunting rifle) Iran... Iran... Iran... (turns and mimes shooting Harry Whittington) IRAQ!!!
At the start of the special, he mentioned how he was going to perform at the Kennedy Center until someone at the Center watched his last special and counted the number of times he said "fuck". So since the Kennedy Center didn't want to be associated with such "excessive" foul language, Black could perform there, but he couldn't say he had performed there, nor could the outside of the building be shown.
Black: So I guess they wanted the show to be called, "Lewis Black: Live From Fuckin' Nowhere".
When discussing how certain politicians claim that "homosexuality is a threat to the American family", he does a bit about Gay Banditos:
Black: Maybe there are a group of gay banditos who get into a van every day and wander from village to dell. And as night begins to fall, they go back into a suburban neighborhood, to that cul-de-sac, where only one house stands, and in the window, a young American family is just sitting down for their first meal. And these queers, THESE QUEERS!, don their black cloaks and hoods and matching pumps, very tasteful. And they charcoal up their faces and sneak up to that house, and open the door and start FUCKING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! AND ANOTHER AMERICAN FAMILY IS DESTROYED!!!
Whenever you ask a Congressperson why the U.S. hasn't adopted more solar energy:
Black: "Because it's hard. It's really hard. It makes me wanna go poopie! Y'know why we don't have solar energy? Because the sun goes away each day and doesn't tell us where it's going."
When ranting about how news programs spin facts, he says the only place you can get actual facts anymore is in an elementary school cafeteria:
Black: If the menu says that next Tuesday they will be serving meatloaf and peas, then I promise you that you can go there on Tuesday, and God dammit, they'll be serving meatloaf and peas!
While telling the story about his performance at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, he was told that he had to preview his act to Bush's handlers to see if Bush could "handle it".
Black: What is he, like, a bear?! (...) Black: He needs handlers? Are you kidding me? The president who said to the terrorists, "Bring it on", the dumbest thing ever uttered by anyone, anywhere! He's the president. He's the leader of the free world, and I am schmucky the clown. You're gonna tell me I can say something, and he would laugh so hard his head would start spinning, and he'd be spitting up, and then he'd jump up and start going nuts and running around, "HOLY SHIT! Get the meat! Somebody get the meat!!!"
Lewis's parents were the ones to encourage him to do the Dinner in the first place, but after it was over, they told him, "Don't you EVER do this bullshit again!"
When talking about performing in the South, he could hear a pin drop when he said that, in the context of ancient Jews who needed the Ten Commandments to straighten up and fly right, they were one step away from being baboons.
A man approached him after the show and told him, "Lewis, fossils are the handiwork of the devil." Lewis goes cross-eyed for a few seconds as the audience laughs.
Lewis: ...I had to remind myself to breathe. I had been tasered by the concept of the devil. It was something that I did not quite understand; apparently, the devil is like Wile E. Coyote, only he is evil, and he has a factory where he makes fossils. And he sends his minions to scatter them across the earth every day in order to confuse my tiny Jewish brain.
His bit about how Ronald Reagan was the craziest president we've ever had:
Black: He even scared the shit out of us. Every day, we'd wake up and go, "What the fuck's he gonna do TODAY?!"
Just the way he phrases this:
Lewis: I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really, the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!"
When discussing how George W. Bush is the first president he can remember who doesn't believe in evolution:
Lewis: (quoting W.) "When it comes to evolution, the jury's still out." What jury, where? The Scopes trial is over.
From Anticipation:
Black's idea for making the country less depressed:
Black: I think it would help us all if the front page of every newspaper in the country had a headline on it every day, so that by the time you got through all of that stuff, you just go "I can't go to work, I need to lie down". If there was a headline that made you laugh so hard, milk shot out your nose, from the coffee you drank yesterday, that's how fucking funny that shit would be. A headline such as HIPPO EATS DWARF. You read that, you close the newspaper, and you think "It's going to be a great day". You don't even think about anything else all day, you can't wait to get back to read what happened. What could have gone on there? How? How? Oh! There's the little man, hiding behind the banning tree! Oh no! There's the hippo!Run, little man, run! Oh, no! All that's left are his tiny shoes... I will leave you with "thank you".
From Stark Raving Black:
Black's story about having to follow Christian country singer Vince Gill's act:
Black: And now, the miserable, aging, Jewish prick.
And what he told fellow comedian and friend Kathleen Madigan when Amy Grant started to sing about Jesus:
Black: I turned to my friend Kathleen Madigan, a terrific comedian, yeah. She had gotten me the gig. And I said, "Hey, take a good look at the time and remember it because this is the precise moment that our friendship has ended."
In the same bit, he brings up Vince's wife, Amy Grant, who he described as being made "entirely of cream". Then when she started singing about Jesus, he had to bolt because he thought if he stayed a moment longer, he would've rushed the stage and accepted Jesus Christ as his savior.
Lewis described one of Vince's songs, about his dad, which had lyrics like "How can I kiss those lips at night that have been chewing my ass out all day long?"
Lewis: If you didn't laugh at that, you're fuckin' brain dead.
Black observed that nobody likes singing Happy Birthday to You!, as people always sound monotone and bored when they sing it.
Black talked about his parents, and how they just turned 90. When he asked his mom how she liked being 90: "How do I LIKE it?! It's like overtime!"
Black: (beat) Happy birthday.
Black's dad is always smiling; Black always thought he was at peace with the universe until he was a teenager and one of his friends observed: "I think your dad's smile is perverted. Like he's watching a dirty movie or something."
Black: I called my dad after the Sarah Palin debate, and I said, "What did you think of Sarah, Pop?" And he went, "Did you see her winking? How'd she know I was watching?"
When asking his dad how he's been liking their new HD tv:
Black: "Oh! I love it! The cleavage is crystal clear!"
When discussing the 2008 crash:
Black: All I heard through the course of the campaign was that "everything was going to be all right because capitalism is the most wonderful economic system ever developed because it was developed by God himself for us. There's nothing more splendid than capitalism. It is a beautiful garden, a garden that irrigates itself and fertilized itself, and it needs no sunlight because it basks in the glory of its own reflection. There's nothing more wondrous than the garden that is capitalism. And if it is left entirely unregulated, that garden will grow and grow and grow until all of us share in its beautiful fruit." And so I went to bed every night dreaming about my beautiful fruit. And then I woke up one morning, and there was the Secretary of the Treasury standing behind the White House, at the back door, as if he was trying to get away. "Holy FUCK! We're FUCKED! We're completely fucked! Son of a bitch! I don't know what happened to the garden, but it's a piece of shit now! Watch that hand coming up your ass; it's looking for quarters! Put straws in your nose! The river of shit is rising! Start pulling out your gold fillings and put 'em on eBay! I'm getting the fuck out of here!" Then he ran around the white house three times with his hair on fire.
Black describing trying to read a legal document as having an out-of-body experience.
Black knew the country had lost its mind when they started turning corn into fuel.
Black: Many congressmen have said, "People don't eat a lot of corn", and I say, "Fuck you! I need my niblets, you son of a bitch!"
Black thinks there's no excuse for not having alternative energy because we've invented smartphones:
Black: I can download 3 million vaginas in a minute into this. Don't tell me we can't have alternative energy.
In the same bit, he said our priorities were more on being able to text each other. The way he describes it is hilarious:
Black: "I am going to meet you and Bob down at the Hooters for a big batch of chips. Smiley face, emoticon, suck my dick, ha, ha, ha."
Discussing one time when he got a cabin right next to his parents, which he called "fuck huts". At one point they were all in the same room, and Lewis had a bowl of strawberries in one hand and whip cream in the other. Lewis's mom asked what the whipped cream was for, and his dad said without missing a beat, "It's for my balls." Lewis then mentioned how he started therapy soon after.
Black's description of the honeymoon suites:
Black: What it is, it's like a group of fuck-huts in the woods. With names like Titty-Titty Bang-Bang, Spread Eagle, that kind of thing. These are serious fuck-huts. I mean, you walk in, there's a heart shape bed. Fucky-fuck-fuck. Indoor pool. Gotta-fuck-fuck. A sauna. Fucky-fuck. Go upstairs, champagne glass. Bubble-bubble-fuck-fuck. If you're still going at five in the morning; open the closet, there's a ball-gag and a swing.
Lewis mentioned why Earth Day was created. It wasn't to raise environmental awareness; it was because back when it was created, everyone was using a lot of drugs, so they set aside one day to remind themselves what planet they were living on.
After mentioning that his parents have been married for 64 years:
Black: Dr. Phil would ask "What's the secret of their long and successful marriage?" and I'd say to Dr. Phil; FUCK YOU, FATTY!
From In God We Rust:
Lewis described his time performing in Wendover, Nevada, where the local newspaper described his comedy: "He's known for his comedy style, which often includes mental breakdowns."
His rant on Valentine's Day, and how it shouldn't be celebrated in the middle of winter, the most depressing time of the year, and only about a month after Christmas.
He told a story about his faulty iPhone. He then said how he bought a Droid to replace it and pulled it out. Some audience members applauded/cheered, and he warned them, "Don't you ever applaud an inanimate object again. I believe that's why they have that passage in the Bible about the golden calf." He was then puzzled why said audience members were convinced he would say nothing but good things about the Droid; had they seen his act?
He proceeds to tell about how his Droid stopped working, and after he attempted to get it fixed it started pretty much just doing random stuff whenever he pressed something. The employees say they'll get him a new phone, and he declines, claiming the phone is showing signs of free will, and that he's going to raise it.
I never had kids, this could be my last chance.
He begins to talk about abortion, and the audience goes quiet. He notes that that's one of his favorite responses as a comedian: When he says "abortion" and he hears every anus in the room snap shut.
His bit about FarmVille, and how people actually pay others to tend to their virtual farm. He said somebody needs to be the adult in the room and tell them they have misplaced priorities.
From Old Yeller:
Notes how married people always address him oddly when he says he's not married.
Lewis: And then they just look sad. (as married couple) "Ohh... why do you exist?" [...] "We know what you do, Mr. Black: You're up early in the morning and you run in the woods and rub your cock on trees."
The special was taped right before the 2016 election. He calmly said: "To those of you thinking about voting for Donald Trump... you're going to Hell. And I know this, because God told me. He has my hotline number, 1-800-Jewey-Jew. He always likes to talk to me after he talks to Mike Huckabee. I help settle him down."
When discussing how some voters are turned off by Hillary Clinton because she never went away even after her failed 2008 presidential campaign (comparing her to someone in a carpool: "I can’t believe I gotta pick her up again!"), he made the comparison to Richard Nixon. After he resigned, he went away, so when he came back into the spotlight, people said "He wasn't so bad."
Thinks breast surgery is unnecessary, saying women who get it have missed the point:
Lewis: Every breast is a great breast! And I know this from personal experience. Never have I looked down at a naked woman in my bed and thought: "Hoo! What a disappointment." Usually I have to stop myself from crying, or saying something stupid like, "And I can play with them now?"
Read a "news of the weird" story where a woman robbed a pharmacy by spraying breast milk at two startled workers. After he finished:
Lewis: Some of you didn't laugh at that. And if you didn't laugh at that, you need to take the rest of the week off.
He described a sexy billboard while on vacation abroad, and said America could never have such a billboard, because we're twelve years old and there would be car accidents every eight seconds:
In the same bit, he said he wanted the breasts on the billboard... on his own body. He clarified:
Lewis: I wasn't transitioning. It had nothing to do with transitioning. I am not, and lucky enough, I'm not a woman caught in a man’s body. But I did want those tits here! Why would I put 'em on a woman? Why would I do that? Then I’d have to negotiate to see 'em. This way, they’re always with me, and they're always glistening.
From Thank You For Risking Your Life:
Noting there's no such thing as "fake news"; it's "news delivered shittily".
He did a routine about how some city children don't know eggs come from chickens. The audience barely responds, causing Lewis to go into a brief tangent about how he's done this same routine in numerous other venues and it gets the same reaction. The world has gotten so shitty in the last 30 years that stuff like this doesn't phase anybody anymore: "I told you something horrifying, and your reaction is, "Yeah, what else is new? Add it to the list.""
Noting how much of a wasted opportunity it was that none of the other GOP candidates, when Trump would insult them, didn't retort with: "You have an orange face."
From The Daily Show:
His outrage at getting a marching band from an all-black college to play at Donald Trump's inauguration. He suggests instead getting the band from Trump University, admitting that it's just one guy with a kazoo who's in debt.
Lewis: And you’ve cheated on more wives than Tiger Woods, but who’s counting?
From The Late Show with Stephen Colbert"
He describes his process on how he's always so angry.
Lewis: I wake up every morning and I'm severely optimistic. I think, "Today's the day we're going to get it all right. We've made every mistake possible, haven't we? So just by accident, we're going to stumble upon the answer." And then I pick up today's paper and go, "SON OF A BITCH!"
