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Fan Fic / 100 Things Commander Shepard Crew'll Mutiny Over

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All Shepard wanted to do was go to her cabin and get some sleep and get somebody to remove all the Cerberus logos from her ship. But, unfortunately, her crew had other ideas...

Once upon a time on FanFiction.Net, The Mad Dragon wrote a Mass Effect one-shot based on Skippy's List. The result is a list of one hundred things that Commander Shepard is no longer allowed to do. This iteration of Shepard is female, a spacer, in a relationship with Liara, and not a tech or an infiltrator, who seems to enjoy driving her crew up the wall once too often.

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  • Blackmail: Shepard seems to like this a little too much.
    32. You are to stop paying Kasumi to find dirt on fellow crewmembers.
    33. You are no longer allowed to blackmail crew members with their Shadow Broker files.
  • Bullying a Dragon:
    34. You are no longer allowed to laugh at marines on guard duty. They shot at us last time.
  • Drives Like Crazy:
    1. You are no longer allowed to drive a Mako ever again.
    14. You are not allowed to cuddle/kiss with Liara while driving the Hammerhead.
    37. This isn't from us, but you are banned from driving on Illium.
  • The Memobile:
    31. The Hammerhead is NOT the Shepardmobile.
  • More Dakka:
    22: Tali will not make chain-firing rail guns that fire at relativistic velocities. The power consumption is MIND-BLOWING.
    94: While awesome, we are not making a chaingun Cain.
  • The Multiverse:
    67. No longer allowed to access the multiversal extranet to point and laugh at whiny emo colonist/sole survivor Shepards on FF net.
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  • One True Threesome: invoked
    15. No, Liara is not open to a threesome with Shiala. Or Aria. Or Rana Thanoptis. Or the Consort. Or Tali. Or Miranda. Or Jack. Or Samara.
  • Reference Overdosed: Just like the original, with the added bonus of Mass Effect-specific in-jokes.
    4. You are to cease shouting "FORM BLAZING SWORD!" when using your new omni-blade.
    5. Tali and her engineering minions WILL NOT make the Normandy into a giant transforming robot.
    9. You are not Dovahkiin and must stop telling people so.
    19. No, Mordin will not make a teleportation device for "Hagalaz booty calls."
    23. Mordin will not make you a lightsaber.
    42. You are not Spider-Girl. Quit jumping off ledges as if you were.
    43. The Normandy does not have a "ludicrous speed" setting.
    55. It is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission, no longer applies to you.
    75. You are not a 'Jedi Mistress.' Or a 'Sith Lady.'
    81. We are not changing the Normandy's name to Wicked Wench.
    90. Stop trying to get Grunt 'hooked on phonics.'
    93. We are no longer celebrating Festivus.
    96. Kenneth will not quote Scottie, no matter how much skyllian five money he owes you.
    100. We are not the Knights Who Say Ni.
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  • Rule of Three:
    26. You are to stop planning assassination idea's for the turian councillor. We're on thin ice as is.
    27. You are to stop planning pranking idea's for the salarian councillor. We're on thin ice as is.
    28. You are to stop planning seduction idea's for the asari councillor. WE'RE ON THIN ICE AS IS.

    63. You are not allowed to enter pics of Tali'Zorah's posterior to Bootylicious Quarians Monthly.
    64. No, we don't care if you'd win some prize money.
    65. No, Tali does not care if you'll share the prize money.
  • Shell-Shocked Veteran:
    21. Thane does not have 'Nam flashbacks, and it is wrong to imply otherwise.
  • Sickeningly Sweethearts:
    86. While adorable, you are to stop playing 'kiss every freckle on Liara's face' in public. It's making the single crew members lonely.
  • Soap Punishment:
    7: You are no longer allowed to throw soap bars into Jack's mouth. Gabby and Ken are tired of repairing the bulkheads.
  • Spandex, Latex, or Leather:
    17. You are no longer allowed to make fun of Miranda's latex fetish.
  • Take That!:
    67. No longer allowed to access the multiversal extranet to point and laugh at whiny emo colonist/sole survivor Shepards on FF net.
    91. Quit making fun of Jacobs pick up lines. It's cruel to torture the crippled.
  • Tv Tropes Will Ruin Your Life:
    71. No longer allowed to go on the TV Tropes extranet site unsupervised. Last time you went on there, it took you seven hours to get you off.
  • Use Your Head:
    24. Doctor Chakwas orders that you are to stop headbutting people. God gave you guns and fists for a reason.
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