Razzin-Frazzin Robot
Character 1: I'm a great driver, I'll have you know!
Character 2: I can only recall one time you've ever driven anything, and that time you intentionally drove into another car because you wanted to, "Prove James-"
Character 1: -Dean was a pussy, yeah. And I did!
Character 2: You were in a coma for three weeks!
Character 1: And I rose from it like a phoenix, full of renewed vigor.
Character 2: We had to teach you how to walk and talk again!
Character 1: Or was it I who was teaching you?
Character 2: I'm starting to think we made a mistake.
"Sometimes being the bad guy is the best thing you can do Scarlett."
“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” - Lewis Carroll
Jer gets all the girls
After meeting someone who is basically his mirror image but worse and not liking what he sees, Bram tries to loosen up and dress more casually. Jo sees right through him and, in her own special way, offers a critique.
Bram quirked an eyebrow at her and folded his arms.
“What’s wrong with it?”
Somehow, between sniggers, Jo managed to find enough breath to answer him. “Is that a Mambo shirt? Why’d you get a loud one? You look like someone’s dad.”
Bram frowned down at his shirt and plucked at it.
“It’s cool.”
“It’d be cool on some old rocker. You look like some weird old guy who’s secretly on drugs like all the time and-“
Bram held up a hand. “I get the picture.”
-later-
“I don’t. Shut up.”
“Seriously. Drugs.”
“If you can name me a single drug and tell me how you take it, without googling it, I’ll give you the damn shirt.”
Bastard.
“Bastard.”
Bram paused in the doorway. “So, do you smoke bastard, or…”
Snarky smug bastard.
In other news I am having far too much fun writing a (well-meaning) total obnoxious brat.
edited 24th Mar '17 5:03:23 AM by Murataku
Everybody's all "Jerry's old and feeble" till they see him run down a skyscraper and hijack a helicopter mid-flight.
From an older story of mine, I attempt to establish the different kind of mages through the characters' dialogue, with a bit of Unequal Rites from the wizard's perspective, without resorting to As You Know. I'll let you guys be the judge on whether or not I succeeded.
Caligula looked to his left. He'd been so caught up in moping that he hadn't even noticed his cellmate. She was a young, petite Caucasian woman in her mid-twenties with an athletic build, with shoulder length brown dreadlocks and piercing brown eyes. She wore a plain white tank top and a pair of worn out blue jeans. Caligula also noticed a few scars on the woman's face and arms. It was clear she had seen a few scraps in her time.
“I was caught practising magic without a licence,” Caligula answered.
Caligula's cellmate gave a puzzled look. “Don't they usually just fine people for that?”
“Well, I also kind of blasted the officer who arrested me into a wall and ran away. What about you?”
“I got caught stealing some food from a market.”
“I see. You’re dirt poor, huh?”
The woman gave him a dirty look and said, “You didn't have to put it like that... but yes, I am.”
“Sorry, I didn't know it was that touchy a subject. I don't have the best financial luck myself. Wizardry's pretty much the only useful job skill I have, and I'm not even legally allowed to use it. My roommate usually has to cover our rent.”
“Don't worry, I'm actually kind of used to people being less than tactful about my position.” She extended her hand. “I'm Stephanie, by the way.”
Caligula shook her hand. “Caligula Ragnarok. It’s nice to meet you, Stephanie.”
“Likewise.”
When they were finished shaking hands, Caligula asked, “So Stephanie, what kind of mage are you?”
Stephanie gave Caligula a surprised look and asked, “How did you know?”
“Well, we are in the anti-magic cell block. They don't put you in here unless you have powers of your own. Also, you look perfectly human, and if you were a shapeshifter or using a glamour to appear human, the magic dampening effects of this cell would force you into your true form, so that leaves you being some kind of spellcaster.”
“Impressive”, Stephanie said. “You're smarter than you look.”
Caligula elected to ignore the probably unintentional insult and asked, “So what is it, then? Wizard?”
“No, I don't nearly have the education for that.”
“So, you're a sorcerer, then?”
“What? No.”
“Don't worry; being born with your powers is nothing to be ashamed of. Some of my best friends are sorcerers. Okay, not my best friends, but I know them.”
“I never said there was anything wrong with it. I just said I'm not a sorcerer.”
“Don't tell me you're a warlock!”
“No, I'm not that either. By the way, how is being a warlock worse than being a wizard?”
“We wizards study and train for our magic. Warlocks just make a deal with some demon or whatever and poof, instant spellcaster! You might as well be able to buy a Ph D on eBay.”
“If not studying to get your magic is wrong, then why are you okay with sorcerers?”
“Because they don't choose to be sorcerers, they're just born that way! You might as well be asking the difference between passing an exam due to being naturally smart and passing because you got a cheat sheet off the internet!”
Before Caligula could go into a full-blown rant on the subject, Stephanie asked, “Then what do you think of divine spellcasters?”
“What, like Abrahamic clerics and pagan witches? I don't have a problem with them, really. I was brought up to be tolerant of other peoples' religions, and when you think about it, learning the ins and outs of your faith and dedicating your life to the service of a deity isn't all that different from poring over spellbooks to learn arcane magic. Mind you, I don't quite agree with them getting a religious exemption from the Mage Registration Act while the rest of us have to shell out the dough for a magic licence, but that's li- oh, you said that because you're a divine caster. Sorry if I went into too much detail about my politics on the matter.”
“Hey, I can't really stop you from saying what you think. But I'm not really a cleric or a witch...”
“So you're a paladin? You don't really seem to be the 'Church Militant' type.”
“No, I'm a druid.”
Caligula looked at Stephanie with disbelief.
“A druid,” he said incredulously. “You mean those hermits who live in the woods, have wild animals as companions and draw their power from nature itself?”
“Yes. But we don't all live in the woods, just so you know.”
“Yeah, but a modern city doesn't seem like the best place to live for a kind of mage that has stay in tune with nature.”
“You're assuming that the two are mutually exclusive. Even in cities such as this one, nature is all around you. The metal that makes this cell, for example, is mined from naturally occurring mineral deposits. The birds the elderly feed breadcrumbs to are wild animals just as much as any beast of the forest. Your parks are teeming with plant life you never even pay any mind to. Even the paper and plastic products that litter your streets are made from natural resources you cut from the forests and mined from the ground. You say that in a city, a druid cannot commune with nature? Nothing could be farther from the truth.”
Razzin-Frazzin Robot
"You haven't truly lived until you've almost died."
I've been trying to write a good summation of the Graveyarders for a while now. Nothing quite worked until I wrote something from the perspective of one.
Good memories.
The World's Least Powerful Man
"Your daughter-if she had lived, would she want to?"
"What?"
"Or your neighbors. Would they want to live? Death isn't something to be 'cured'. It's an end to suffering. People need to be able to die. Life is miserable. Will you take the afterlife away?"
Now everyone pat me on the back and tell me how clever I am!
Our Favorite Cowgirl, er, Mare
As today is April Fool's Day, I have some funny reactions to a couple of the opponents in the Tournament Arc of Volume VI. The first one is an imp:
“What’s the matter? Is my choice of the challenger not suitable for the Stone Cutters’ stalwart paladin who saved the planet Earth multiple times?” Astaroth asked very smugly.
“Ah, nuts to this,” I retorted. I pulled out one of Zasedis’s revolvers. “Party’s over. We’re going back to Kinardas!”
The fourth opponent is a resurrected mass murderer... who dresses like a Doppelsöldner
for some reason.
“Eh, Astaroth, are you sure this is my opponent?” he asked the Goetia.
“Ah, is that uncertainty I sense in your voice, parasite? Does my very presence and reputation leave you too befuddled to accept your gruesome demise to come?” Maledict sneered at him in a voice as cold as ice. Max walked up to him, looking him over as he did.
“I don’t know, he doesn’t look very powerful. And he looks kind of dumb,” he said nonchalantly.
“What?!” the resurrected mass murderer snapped in outrage.
"Let’s hope he’s normal."
This was not true. In fact, the only person that would be more insane would possibly be The Joker, but he is more eccentric than insane, and insanity is an acquired taste.
“HELLO FELLOW DENIZENS OF HELL!" he screamed when he arrived.
edited 4th Apr '17 2:16:45 PM by Scarecrow4774
“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” - Lewis Carroll
A rather somber moment involving an atypical character for such a moment.
Yet the lad had spared the tremendous monstrosity, the golden haired young man smiling and saying "I guess that means I'm fighting Caine next".
Wrathark reached out and the boy stopped, "...As you are and as Caine is, you...you will die. Please, reconsider this course."
Matthew turned around and smiled again at the defeated monster, "I know. I have to try to fight him, at least. You understand that, right?"
Wrathark - for the first time in what seemed like an eternity - sobbed. He had never experienced such a fight as what he got from Matthew. A truly worthy foe, a man who those from Wrathark's time would call a true warrior, deserving heraldry not a fruitless death at the hands of a lunatic.
"I understand, yes, but I do not...I cannot take joy in this. You gave me a fulfilling battle, after years of fruitless searching for a foe able to jar me from this nostalgia for my mortal days." He looked down and when he looked back up, Matthew was flying up to the ship. "You may think you do not deserve it, but I will grieve you, day in and out."
The boy deserved better than he was given.
edited 6th Apr '17 1:29:43 AM by NickTheSwing
They/Them
Based on something I actually said.
Note to self: Pick less edgy username next time.
Context: A teenager has a horrifying moment turn into a horror-comedy moment. His sister is apparently in a deal with Dhakar the Everliving to become popular and thin in exchange for blood. And he just ran in in the middle of this exchange. Thing is, Dhakar's been I Know Your True Name'd recently, and not in his best form.
I found myself divided between horror and utter bewilderment.
Well, this just became tremendously awkward. The monstrosity was about the size of a football, with numerous small wings, a golf ball sized, circular mouth full of razor blade teeth, and numerous limbs.
I stared at the demon. The demon seemed to stare back, as if this was not how these things usually went.
It looked like the beast had been drinking blood from her arm, but the interruption resulted in the eldritch equivalent apparently of swallowing the wrong way when I entered.
I mustered the bravery and picked up a towel. I was not sure, standing in the bathroom and face to face with a monster, what use a towel was gonna be, but I was not about to let this thing feed on my sister.
"Stop whatever it is you're doing, monster, or I'll..." I tried to think of the worst thing a towel could do.
Dhakar managed a heinous laugh as he leaned forward, balancing on my sister's other arm, as she seemed to become in a trance, Oh? And what are you gonna do with that towel, boy? As soon as I have her soul, as...withered and mean as it is, I'll be back up to speed and able to squash you like a bug...
He seemed to be heading right for a monologue, so I looked around and saw a window left open. Now that gave me an idea. I started to wind up the towel, thinking of how to do this.
For you will know the folly of opposing I, Dhakar! The Everliving! For that which is Everliving shall never die, my vengeance eterna—-
I struck - the light weight, diminished demon struck straight out the window by the towel, and he had just enough time as this happened to shout, CURSE YOU HUMANS! I WILL BE BAAAAAACK!!!!
His shout faded away as he plummeted outside the house. Followed by a subdued and far less dignified Ow that just barely registered to my ears.
Then it sounded like the fearsome little monster promptly got chased away by the neighbor's dog.
My sister breathed, sinking to her knees and I brought her into my arms. As weird and illogical as that was, I hoped it was over.
edited 13th Apr '17 10:18:22 PM by NickTheSwing
Friendly Neighborhood Lich
I wrote this gem a while back, taking place in a story revolving around living dolls (mostly porcelain), in which I got way too enthusiastic with shout-outs.
“What about scarecrows?” another Porcelain – the lecherous Oleg – suggested.
“How about plush lions?” suggested another one.
“Maybe some tigers and bears as well!” Winky decided to pitch in.
“Oh my,” Emille replied, shaking her hat-crowned head. “I do not think we should overdo it.”
“Or if you wanna be really effective,” Cloud remarked while standing on his chair, “a wicked witch.”
Emille raised her hand to slap him, but then realized that A) he was way on the other side of the table, and B) she wasn’t Lucina. In the brief silence, she heard the plush dog whimper. “The only wicked witch around is dead.”
“Why so serious? You did appoint me court joker – I mean, jester! Look, I’m still dressed the part!” He flicked one of the pom-poms on his hat. “I don’t think I would look good on a playing card,” he muttered to himself as he sat back down, nudging Carlotta’s shoulder as he did so.
“Well there’s an idea,” Carlotta mentioned to Emille. “Have some person-sized playing cards populating the kingdom as well.”
Emille rolled her violet eyes. “I swear, you dolls read too much.”
The World's Least Powerful Man
To put it in perspective, consider this: The vehicle was designed to transform from fighter to Bipedal Module. That meant that, in an attempt to do both, it was deliberately designed to do neither one especially well.
edited 3rd May '17 12:55:54 AM by dvorak
Now everyone pat me on the back and tell me how clever I am!
The gist is the MC giving a monologue about purpose, which is even more Serious Business to us because of her (supernatural) race, family history and occupation and it's my favorite (so far) for a number of reasons.
1. It's concise yet profoundly summarizes hers and others' goals in a "Brevity is the soul of wit" kind of way that's a Central Theme of the series. It's pretty much a habit of mine to overdo it and wall text, so keeping it short and sweet without sacrificing details makes me feel good.
2. It sums up my MC's mentality to a T. She sees others as desperate to either find one, reject/fear/hate the one their given to the extent they do the exact opposite of what they intended to do yet she loves the one she was born to do to the extent she considers it "enviable" right down to the responsibility and willingness to go through all sorts of Training from Hell to do so yet also hints that her seeing herself as a living weapon means she has no love for/sense of self beyond her family/country to the extent of actively trying to avoid hobbies and deeper connections to people to be compassionate yet distant in a "forest for the trees" kind of mindset, which is a Fatal Flaw her journey's going to correct not unlike Korra's. The tinge of arrogance and irony being lost on her further drives home her personality and personal journey.
3. It captures her voice to a T. It's not quite Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness, but like Vegeta, (ex. "Debts must be paid" Speech) she's a naturally poetic warrior princess despite trying to reject her talent at beat/stand-up poetry and typically speaks without contractions to seem even more eloquent. Because I initially had a hard time getting into her head because although she was always there in the story, I went back and forth between the focus being either her little sister as an Audience Surrogate to understand the world or focusing on the group as a whole, so I saw the older sister as the more complex challenge. It's second only to the talk she has with a perceptive mentor that gets her to open up about her hidden anxiety.
4.The Fridge Brilliance. There's a "Eeh-Eeh nudge-nudge" to it in how it pervasive it is to the characters not unlike Balance is to Avatarverse that she/her team keep coming across others finding/defining/rejecting/subverting their own purposes and how they interact with each others' like an Anti-Villain group that unified a population of refugees that would've hated each other in the past/"Old World" namely its queen being a veteran of previous wars with the "New World" philosophy being abandoning and learning from the past's grudges as a fresh start for a virtual utopia that resembles the MC's hometown in how cosmopolitan it is and tempting it is to stay... yet said purpose/philosophy is extreme enough that they won't let the team leave, (considering it suicide to do so against a Crapsack World that deserves it) and had plans to breed with said team due to Hybrid Power that could breed with any race of them without biological barrier.
Jer gets all the girls
“They were love notes!”
“With you it was more or less the same thing.”
Also
And, in the end, that was enough.
edited 13th May '17 6:23:49 AM by Murataku
Everybody's all "Jerry's old and feeble" till they see him run down a skyscraper and hijack a helicopter mid-flight.
The Shadow
A Shipper on Deck gets tired of waiting:
"Just in case we don't get out of this, I want you to know I love you," His rife still trained out the window, he said this without a hint of emotion and to one in particular.
The two women stared at him, marveling at Adwr's audacity.
"Well somebody in this car had to say it."
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
Blackbox.
The World's Least Powerful Man
"You have exactly fifteen seconds to make me happy."
Now everyone pat me on the back and tell me how clever I am!
Prince Vandes of the Vampiric Dominion on people he has fed upon.
"...So, uh, would you prefer that I go back to happy, smiley and jokey Vandes now? Haha...ha..."
former eternal loser
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
x2 Amendment: "People need to die when life is miserable."
Schrodinger's Human
One man's premium food can be another man's garbage.
Everything that lives is designed to end.
The World's Least Powerful Man
"How do you live like this?"
"What?"
" How do you live with MONSTERS COMING OUT OF THE FUCKING DRAINS!?"
edited 11th Jun '17 1:04:30 AM by dvorak
Now everyone pat me on the back and tell me how clever I am!
During a perhaps fourth-wall leaning Seinfeldian Conversation between Those Two Bad Guys:
edited 6th Jul '17 6:34:39 AM by KillerClowns
Okay, this is going to require a bit of context. In my show Saturday Morning, I have an idea for an episode where one of the characters, Lock, uses a magic spell to become an adult so he can get rid of his chastity barrier. (It's a magical version of a chastity belt that wears off after you turn 18.) So he goes out with his cousin Shikiyami to Club 34. note After a few minutes, Shikiyami realizes he may have hit rock bottom and goes home without Lock. So I wrote this down, and I laugh at myself for thinking it up. Especially the last line.
Lock: Wait! So you're leaving me here?! How am I supposed to go home?!
Shikiyami: You're an adult! You figure it out!! [drives off]
edited 21st Mar '17 12:56:45 PM by DokemonStudios