Crowning moments in your writing:

Total posts: [69]
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Diagonalizing The Matrix
The "silly gimmick" thing sounds a lot like an assumption because I never said anything about the actual plot.

I'll try to explain what I meant by that. If you look at the premise honestly, it raises a ton of questions, like: "wait, who are these people to begin with?", "how did they find each other?", "how come they have a theme naming? Do they even have real names?", "how come they all happened to have personalities that would match this theme naming? What are the odds of that?", and so on.

From my experience it usually is the case that the writer never bothers with any of that. They think it ought to be obvious — "what, don't you get it?" — and therefore I was indeed tempted to outright assume that this is the route you chose, but instead I was careful and wrote:

It completely overshadows any bit of artistic effort you might have put into the characters or setting.

See, I explicitly do not say "but obviously you made no such effort lol". What I meant is this: Even if you come up with a huge, intricate backstory to answer all the questions I mentioned above, this story is always going to live in the huge shadow of the following sentence:

"Hey, wouldn't it be cool if the virtues were a team of super heroes?"

Every single reader will know this is where your entire story came from. They'll know this is where it all began, they'll know that this is the reason for everything about the backstory —the characters' personalities, choices, histories leading up to those choices. This has a fundamental kind of eroding effect on the Willing Suspension of Disbelief. Readers have seen the main room backstage. A certain little speck of the magic is gone. It takes conscious effort to accept in-universe cause and effect.

Again, this doesn't at all automatically imply there's something wrong with your work; it's just something you ought to keep in mind. It's one of those things that if you're a bad writer will dominate your work, and if you're a good writer readers will soon stop caring about it and suspend their disbelief in spite of it all because they want to know what happens next. Just make sure you hit closer to the second scenario than the first.

edited 4th Mar '12 2:00:35 PM by TripleElation

Pretentious quote || In-joke from fandom you've never heard of || Shameless self-promotion || Something weird you'll habituate to
52 MrAHR4th Mar 2012 02:02:41 PM from ಠ_ಠ , Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
I consider what I posted in the Crit thread a while back some sort of crowning moment. Not sure what though.
Obsidian Proboscidean
I really don't know if I have any "crowning moments." I hope I do, but I need to get someone to read enough of my writing to tell me if there are any.

It's really hard to pick out my favorite moment in my writing because I've re-read it so many times during editing, I start to hate my own work.
I'm an elephant. Rurr.
54 LastHussar4th Mar 2012 03:00:20 PM from the place is here.
The time is now,
Yeah, I get that. Fatigue sets in, and you wonder is it as good as you first thought. I've had some passages that make me cry. Trouble is I've reread them so many times they no longer move me.

Oh, and ... Rurr, Rurr.

edited 4th Mar '12 3:00:41 PM by LastHussar

Do the job in front of you.
55 CJCroen13934th Mar 2012 03:58:37 PM from The Western Interior Seaway , Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
I am One with the Wind and Sky

Thank you so much for the critique!

Okay, I think I see where you're getting at and I'll admit it; I didn't have a reason for that stuff (BUT! All of the characters do have real names and backstories, etc, etc) and you've made me realize that. I brainstormed a little and this was the result (note that this isn't automatically the final result, just what I came up with): WARNING: Mild religious undertones (I'm agnostic myself); if you're easily offended by religious subject matter, press the back button now.

I imagined an ancient prophecy after Lucifer's failed attempt to overthrow God. God realized that Lucifer would try more than once and created the Virtues to keep the Sins in check. Each century, generation after generation would feature groups of people representing the Seven Deadly Sins and Seven Heavenly Virtues. They would fight each other until only one group remained. Unfortunately...The Virtues usually got their butts kicked...a lot. Each generation has a Virtue and Sin who knows of their true origin and they go to seek the other Sins and Virtues. Sometimes, one of them will refuse the call. Fortunately the prophecy points out that the Sin or Virtue can be transferred to someone else if need be, unless one of groups is in desperate trouble (like the Virtues when they recruited Humility). The Sins, however, usually just force people into it. Before their roles are realized, the Sins and Virtues tend to live relatively normal lives.

I haven't fully fleshed it out but I hope that sounds okay! Thank you for the critique again! I'll try my best to improve!
56 NickTheSwing4th Mar 2012 04:37:41 PM from Ya really wanna know? , Relationship Status: Dating Catwoman
Swing, not Slide
Hey, umm, what do you guys think of my Crowning Moments?
Diagonalizing The Matrix
I imagined an ancient prophecy after Lucifer's failed attempt to overthrow God. God realized that Lucifer would try more than once and created the Virtues to keep the Sins in check. Each century, generation after generation would feature groups of people representing the Seven Deadly Sins and Seven Heavenly Virtues. They would fight each other until only one group remained.

That's probably a better solution than anything I would've come up with. Instead of a long, scrambling justification you go with a master stroke to the problem's jugular and just get it out of the way. I mean, it's still silly obviously tongue but it doesn't overshadow anything anymore and has the potential to be taken seriously, if you're diligent about it (pun not intended). If you're good about your story people will forget about that bit past the first half a page.

Also, this turns your premise into an infinitely more entertaining take on the Power Rangers. You can't go wrong with God as Zordon.

[up] Might get to that later.

edited 5th Mar '12 12:23:40 PM by TripleElation

Pretentious quote || In-joke from fandom you've never heard of || Shameless self-promotion || Something weird you'll habituate to
58 NickTheSwing5th Mar 2012 09:05:01 PM from Ya really wanna know? , Relationship Status: Dating Catwoman
Swing, not Slide
[up] Thanks. Do I need to give a synopsis about what New Dawn is about so as to give you a better idea?
59 KyleJacobs6th Mar 2012 12:17:56 AM from DC - Southern efficiency, Northern charm , Relationship Status: One True Dodecahedron
I have a lot of ideas for these, but none have actually been implemented yet. As it stands, here's what I've got coming down the pipeline:


  • A knife fight on top of the Washington Monument while it is on fire
  • A helicopter chase through Manhattan with skyscrapers collapsing all around

High Octane Nightmare Fuel:

  • One of the protagonists has just been killed off, and someone else wants to retaliate. The character in question goes to the house of the man who ordered the killing, bursts through the door, and empties a clip into him. They reload. They empty the clip. They reload. They empty the clip. They reload. They empty the clip. While this is going on, they never look angry - they look dead. There's no expression at all. And the page after that one triggers a Freak Out!.
  • Two words: "Break her." What follows is the single most disturbing sequence I've ever put to paper, and that is seriously saying something.
Diagonalizing The Matrix
[up][up] Wouldn't hurt. The more details I have, the better idea I'll have of what kind of criticism would be useful and what kind wouldn't.
Pretentious quote || In-joke from fandom you've never heard of || Shameless self-promotion || Something weird you'll habituate to
61 NickTheSwing6th Mar 2012 03:28:30 PM from Ya really wanna know? , Relationship Status: Dating Catwoman
Swing, not Slide
PM incoming then.
62 CJCroen13937th Mar 2012 08:33:11 AM from The Western Interior Seaway , Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
I am One with the Wind and Sky
@ Triple Elation (these arrows are hard to follow)

Thanks for the feedback! I'll try my best!

One more thing; I really don't consider the Virtues to be superheroes or super sentai, more like a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits. Some of them might end up having superpowers, though.
I have many moments that are meant to be awesome some are meant to be funny, a few are meant to be sad or heartwarming but they're not "crowning" moments. Jin/Izanami does some truly awesome feats of power but she's explicitely all-powerful so they don't really count. One bit that might qualify though is the Okami Queen turning on the big bad to keep an old promise she made to the MC's father. CMO Anything are kind of subjective of course but my "test readers" and me like that part.
64 KyleJacobs14th Apr 2012 11:10:30 AM from DC - Southern efficiency, Northern charm , Relationship Status: One True Dodecahedron
I have a character who really likes pulling off a good Gunship Rescue. So far, I have it happening twice, but the second one is probably my favorite. I don't feel like formatting it from the script here, but here's the blow-by-blow:

  • Character A is standing with his back to a large plate-glass window facing down a hallway full of Mooks with guns trained on him. He's completely calm.
  • Banter ensues.
  • A grins ever so slightly.
  • A helicopter appears right in front of the window and opens fire.
  • The bullets whiz past A, who doesn't even flinch and just stands there (It should be noted that the guy flying the helicopter and aiming the guns is really good at his job).
  • Once all the mooks are dead, A turns around, walks to the window, and calmly jumps onto the gunship.
65 PsychoFreaX24th Mar 2013 04:02:53 AM from Transcended Humanity
Okay these moments are supposed to come at least late in the experimental version of my story. But they're so awesome, I'm really dying to write them. I have more, but just feel like listing out these ones for now.

- Rina's fight against a villain(who I'm still coming up with a name for) from the Raveen tribe, a clan of super human, wolf and raven hybrid that can also apparently blow feathers as rock piercing darts. Rina summoned a bow and arrows in this fight for long ranged combat but the Raveen was fast enough to dodge it and a scatter shot won't be able to damage him significantly enough. So one of the shots Rina fired at it was vertically straight up and a little later she lured the Raveen to the point where the arrow will drop back down. There Rina prepared her last four arrows for a final attack while the Raveen gloats about how even if a scatter shot hits it won't be enough to finish him. However, Rina actually waited until the airborne arrow falls back down, catching the Raveen off guard and fire all the four arrows right at him to finish him off.

- Corey vs Isaac. Corey's power has to do with firing kinetic energy while Isaac can summon shurikens but his secret more dangerous power is to see everything within at least a kilometer radius. The fight took place in a forest and Corey soon decided there was no more use trying to hide from Isaac and rather find a way to get Isaac to reveal himself. So Corey got into a position that would optimize that most clear space in front of him and the most bushes outside his vision. Isaac noticed that Corey is keeping his eyes on the clear space because it would be easier to see his enemy passing, so Isaac naturally avoids it and attack him from behind. But the large amount of bushes behind Corey made it inevitable for either Isaac or the shurikens he throws to make a sound for Corey to find him and finish him off.

- Prisha vs a still to be named villain in her Gorgon form. The Gorgon has deadly snakes for hair and looking at her in the eye turns you to stone. Prisha used a Frozen Wind on the chandelier lighting the room to shut it off so neither can see the other but since Prisha can't rely on his eyes much, it gave him more advantage. In the dark the first one to make a sound would give them self away and lose. Little did the Gorgon know, Prisha didn't only freeze the chandelier, but the entire ceiling as well and when the cold air drops enough, the Gorgon sneezed, giving away her position for Prisha to finish with a Frozen Wind.

- Corey vs Ian. Ian has a magical sword and armor that are apparently harder than diamond. It wasn't easy to break right away, so instead, Corey disarmed Ian to use his Relic Sword to break through his own Relic Armor.

- In a fight Eden had with a rather brutish opponent, he worked out his opponent's whole thought patterns and tells him every of his moves a second before he even makes it followed by future mimicking all his words. Eden boasts that he doesn't even need his powers to win. In fact, he had countless chances to finish the fight by easily striking his opponents weak points. He then says that he went out of his way to say he completely figured the Dumb Muscle out because there was no fun in just winning that fight. He had to utterly humiliate his enemy.

- Eden does have a few more crowning moment fights. But outside them, there was the case of him being a double agent. He started by investigating and found that Natsuka Shiomi, a MIA member of the Occult Society was actually it's very first traitor(by a very charismatic villain) who had divulged top secret information to an enemy organization. So Eden only needed to find out what information had already been divulged and tell the authorities of that organization and convince them he's betraying the Occult Society. To top it off, he even prepared a false hideout to give away and faked the murder of his comrade by stabbing him in the heart with vines(which he also healed using his powers).

- Prisha vs Eden, a fight between super geniuses. Eden starts by summoning a plant monster with deadly thorn vines used for both offense and defense and a flower at the center with really strong petals. It was actually strong enough that when it reverse bloomed with Eden in the center, it could barricade him from attacks. But Eden actually used this to create the preconception that he'll be staying inside the flower when he actually made an opening in the petals away from Prisha's vision to slip out, hide elsewhere, still control the plant monster to fight and plan for Prisha to exhaust his plowers focusing on the flower in the center. Even if Prisha was to consider the possibility of Eden hiding elsewhere, attempting to find him and turn his back on the plant monster would be suicide so he summoned a whole heap of ice shards. He sent some at the plant monster but veered them away several times, though he did sacrifice some shards so it won't be too suspicious. When Prisha spread the shards out more, Eden thought he's planning to attack from all directions so the vines can't completely defend the flower. Eden countered by having the plant monster jump up high where the shards weren't to get to Prisha and attack. After evading it, Prisha revealed that he was actually using the ice shard's refraction to extend his vision and have a look into all the surrounding hiding spots to eventually find Eden, gathered the ice shards there and attack him. Eden even had to disengage the plant monster for enough energy to defend himself and just survived albeit really injured. That's still only about half the fight and even if they don't both win, it could be considered both their crowning moments because of all the moves they pulled.

edited 24th Mar '13 6:46:20 AM by PsychoFreaX

66 PsychoFreaX1st Apr 2013 07:26:30 PM from Transcended Humanity
I just looked over some of my earlier unpublished works and even though there were many things wrong with it, it does have some merits. One such is near the beginning of a fight between the Idiot Hero(who has now evolved into Ian) and his rival(Who evolved into Eden). Both were supposed to bring their weapons to the fight but neither did and they fight barehanded. The Idiot Hero forgot and The Rival said he didn't bother bringing something he didn't really need and the Idiot Hero said "Same here" cue everyone Face Fault.

Before starting the fight, The Rival then said while throwing off his coat, "Well if you're going to boast like that, it'll be highly embarrassing for you to fall after the punch". He runs forward throwing a feint punch and kicks him instead, catching him off guard. The Idiot Hero was then like, "Liar what did you say about punching me?"

The Rival then explains that he never actually stated that his first move was going to be a punch but the wording makes simpletons anticipate it. It's one thing to bluff your next move but something entirely better to subliminally convince your opponent of it.

Outside humor(which is one of the few things I was much better at back then), this is one of the few rare scenes that when I look back, actually surprised me that I did write something that good but forgot.

edited 2nd Apr '13 9:19:50 AM by PsychoFreaX

Well, the awesome parts are to come, I've got this. It serves somewhat as a character establishing moment for the villain. It's still in the drafting stage, so, be gentle, or not.


Asha jumped at the newcomers voice. She was so distracted that she didn’t sense him coming. She hadn’t sensed her own brother.

You idiot! What are you doing?! She looked to the young red-head with wide-eyes. The blond man in red armour turned his attention from Asha’s hiding place to the boy, and the kitchen knife in his hands.


Slowly, Etsuo stepped forward, his legs trembling even more than his hands. Asha’s body began to shake as the boys fear leaked into his sister, and she froze as if suddenly trapped in ice. Her gift had forced their beings to intertwine, thus it had become her curse and tomb. She dared not move, or even breathe. Her brother’s fear was asphyxiating her.

“Calm down. Control your fear.”

A sudden new voice cut through the ice like a pick. She inhaled a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, and released it. The fear had begun to calm, and as it did, she sensed who it was that spoke. She didn’t need to look. She felt out with her sixth sense, and instantly knew that he was the third man she’d sensed that evening, and though all he was doing was likely kneeling, his presence was as dominating as the blond’s.

“Shouldn’t you find your parents? This isn’t a place for a lone child,” the blond man told her brother. Her fear vanished, it’s icy chains melted by a hot rage. Her brother’s rage. She couldn’t think. She knew only one thing. That she wanted this man, this invader, this bastard to pay for burning their home. “Don’t do anything too reckless,” the man in red armour once again spoke.

She looked from Etsuo to the man in red, and back to her brother just in time to see him charge with a scream of fury. The man’s smirk becoming one of amusement as his hand moved to rest on the hilt of his Katana. No!

She wanted to scream out, to jump out and stop her brother’s foolish actions, but she knew it was too late. The distance between the two vanished in an instant, and the man began to draw his sword.


It happened so fast. The weapon’s hilt dashed out and slammed between the boy’s eyes, and the few inches of Crimson steel that had been revealed were returned to the Katana’s sheath before he hit the ground, blood leaking profusely from his nose. Even though her brother had been thrown to the ground, and started to cry, she sighed in relief. The man hadn’t killed her brother. Just then, she sensed a newcomer approach.

“Etsuo. Etsuo!”


The man in red’s attention was on the woman who came rushing to her son’s side. “Consider yourself lucky that it was I he found. Others amongst my rank would not be as merciful as I.”
Like fantasy? Like Samurai stories? check this out.
68 ironcommando28th Aug 2013 01:41:19 AM from Terra 102 , Relationship Status: Abstaining
In my currently unpublished work:

The first level has you fight through a spaceship, invaded by an enemy faction. However, you eventually betray your own faction, joining a third who resolves to destroy the other two. The place erupts into chaos as the enemy Mooks attack each other and you. As the spaceship eventually goes down, you escape on a giant missile.

The first boss fight. You fight this while riding said giant missile launched at earth from a spaceship you had to escape. In Space, no less.

After killing the boss, it doesn't end there- the next level has the missile enter Earth's atmosphere, as you cling onto the missile while fending off aircraft and flying robots. You even fight a large robot that latches onto the missile as a miniboss. The boss of the level is a space shuttle Transforming Mecha.

The third level has the missile descend to the ground, transforming into a vehicle that lands on the highway. Multiple biker bots, vehicle bots and air units assault the player from all directions, including the sea under the highway. The player makes their way to the warhead of the missile...

...Which transforms into the third boss, a nuclear mech that runs on the highway. The player has to stand on platforms on the missile to avoid some of its attacks. The boss will destroy what's left of the missile when it Turns Red, forcing the player to jack a motorbike and destroy the boss before it explodes like a nuke.

edited 28th Aug '13 1:42:44 AM by ironcommando

69 tsstevens28th Aug 2013 01:47:04 AM from Internet, Tasmania , Relationship Status: She's holding a very large knife
I'll bite. I'm not into determining what is crowning moments in my work as they are YMMV and I don't want to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet but I do ask about parts I have written for accuracy (a car chase scene late I asked relatives who were in the police force for example) or to see if they are good or to demonstrate writing ability or tone I'm going for.

One I will share is something I had raised here before, how something may seem not real but I swear on a stack of bibles this actually did happen and is with the exception of names is as accurate as I can remember.

The person who made the complaint was easy to spot, waiting inside the department store like he said. He was a mountain of a man, very tall and broad, his face, though seemingly relaxed, had an intense look in the eyes. Enrica imagined that he would be an inviting target for a pack of young thugs, as he approached.

"Hey.” His voice was a deep, throaty growl, though calm and civil. “Thank you for getting here so quickly.” Enrica felt slightly intimidated and tried to hide it as she began to take down his details.

"Could you give me your name please?” she asked. For some reason the man grabbed at the denim shirt he wore.

“Yes, of course. It’s Heath, Heath La Roach.” He pronounced the last name Laroush and Enrica thought for a moment on how it was spelt. His speaking seemed strange, a little hard to understand, mechanical, like he was trying too hard in his voice.

“How do you spell it?” she had to request, giving up.

“Sorry, it’s L, a, r, o a, c, h.”

“A, c, h?” the officer repeated.

“Yes. I called because those people outside I saw you and your partner speak to were targeting me, attempting to goad me into a fight.”

“Goad you how?” When Heath didn’t answer Enrica got the sense that he was uncomfortable with going over it, regardless of the stoic front he tried to put on.

“By making stupid comments, something I’ve had to live with all my life.”

“What comments?” Enrica wanted to know. Heath shook his head.

“Nothing that’s worth repeating, suffice to say they are attempted to bait me into a fight.” Enrica thought maybe if he was being uncooperative then there wasn’t anything she could do to look into the case further.

“I’m sorry, but if you don’t tell me exactly what happened I cannot help you.” She could tell he was thinking about that, trying to decide what to tell her.

“Standard stuff mostly,” he said finally, “comments about my height, my size.” It was clear both were considerable, the way he towered over her made him stand out, and he was very broad as well. “They wanted revenge because I was forced to defend my person before.”

“They came after you before?” Heath nodded, closed his eyes, remembering as he explained.

“It was a group of them, three and a half years ago. There were at least six of them; I was prepared with a can of pepper spray in case I needed it. They clearly wanted a fight, I saw no way around it, so I pulled out the can and sprayed the group, then threw my empty wallet in one direction and ran in the other.”

“Mr. La Roach…” Heath carried on as though he hadn’t heard her.

“They caught up, I couldn’t outrun them. I drop to the ground, curled up in a ball as they attack me. About five seconds later I heard someone yell at them and they ran off, frightened, not willing to face the consequences of their actions, typical of that type of person.” He then opened his eyes, looking at Enrica. “The police arrived, as though out of nowhere. They thought I needed time to pass before giving a formal statement, I considered it better to do so while the details were still fresh and there was a chance for what occurred to be legally resolved.” For a moment Enrica was quiet, though she didn’t show it she was impressed with his calm, full recollection. With a shake of his head he added, “The police waited until the next day, by then it was too late, despite there being a number of similar incidents they could compare the police were unable to do anything.”

“You remembered all that from three years ago?” Enrica asked. She got the impression that Heath was quietly pleased. “So what did happen today?” Enrica wanted to get the matter over and done with.

“When they confronted me today I pulled out the pepper spray to hold them at bay until I headed into the store to phone the police,” Heath told her.

“And did you use it on the person who confronted you?” Constable Goss asked.

“I do not recall. Before, I got one of them, or some of them as a group, in self-defense.” Heath opened the shop’s fridge and pulled out a bottle of Coke. “Drink?”

“You can’t use a weapon like that for self-defense. It’s against the law, using something like that is assault.”

“Right.” Heath played with the drink lid a little. “If I may ask you have a firearm, that’s something that can kill a person…” Goss held up a hand to stop him.

“Yep, okay, fair point.”

“I took it up with the police at the time and they didn’t have a problem with it,” Heath explained. Enrica decided to wrap this up before he said something else to make her defend herself.

"I know what it's like myself, they will keep going after you if you don't just ignore them and walk away." Heath thought about that for a moment.

"Spoken like someone who's never been through it.” Enrica got a sense Heath’s manner was an act and the change in tone and voice indicated he was speaking from the heart. “That might...might I stress, work the first time. What about the twentieth? Or the thirtieth?"

“You ignore it still.”

“Well maybe that gets a little hard after fifteen years,” Heath snapped, before relenting. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? But it does.” Playing with the lid of the drink he intended to purchase he added, “Look, I’m retarded for not being able to ignore it. I won’t hide that.”

“Do you have to come this way?” Enrica asked. “Could you avoid going through here?”

''“That’s your advice is it?” Enrica could hear the anger in his voice despite his efforts to hide it. “Avoid going where there might be a problem?” Enrica had to think about it for a moment. “That is not the issue. Do I not have the right to go this way if I need to?”''

“No you’re right,” Enrica agreed finally, before writing on a card. “Look, take this; I’ll put a report in. If you can get their names then what might be a good idea is if you take out an intervention order.” She could see that the idea did appeal as she handed over her card.

“Yes, that’s something I had thought of.” Heath took the card. “Thank you.” Not wanting to be put on the spot again Enrica said that she was going to sort out the youths outside and leave.

“You might want to head out the other way,” she told him.

“No that’s a good idea.” Heath held up his drink. “Thanks again.” As he made his way to the exit an older man, balding with a mustache, the spitting image of AFL legend Ron Barassi came alongside him.

“Good on ya mate,” he said, loud enough for the policewoman to hear, “you spray whoever you want with that thing.”

edited 28th Aug '13 1:57:16 AM by tsstevens

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Total posts: 69
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