- Oh, Bob Saget!
- Eating at a friend's house.
Friend: Does it taste all right?
Danny: It's pretty good!
(Danny glances and shrugs to a picture)
Danny: Who's that faggot with a tuba?
Friends: "THAT'S OUR DAD!" "WATCH YOUR MOUTH!" "DANNY!"
Danny: OH SHIT! SORRY!
- Danny really loves Total.
Danny: There's some cereal right here.
Son: Oh, that's Total...I don't really like that.
- Danny and phones.
Danny: Fashion Bug.
Danny: Fashion Bug.
- How Danny responds to a ringing phone.
Phone rings. Danny picks up the reciever.
- The bit where Danny calls Colgate Toothpaste to complain:
Danny: Yes. I bought your Colgate Toothpaste. The one with tartar control. And it made me feel... like a PIECE OF SHIT!
Danny: This is BULLSHIT!
Operator: Sir, hold on one moment.
(He gets put on hold, and "Every Breath You Take
" - which was heavily sampled by Puff Daddy's "I'll Be Missing You" - starts to play)
(Danny bobs his head to the music and then pauses...)
Sting: Every breath you take...
- As well as what happens immediately after:
Operator: Sir, if you would like a refund-
Danny: I'M PISSED!
(Camera pans down to Danny's crotch. There is a wet spot in the middle.)
Operator: ...(hangs up)
Danny: Fucking hung up my ass!
- A conversation between Danny and one of his neighbors:
Danny: My son bought home some cases of pickles from the cannery. I was wondering if I could store them at your place.
Neighbor: What? Why? Well, how many pickles are you talking about?
Danny: It's about thirty cases.
Danny: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
- In one scene Danny takes a shower with Head and Shoulders and, because he gets burned, ends up cursing out the bottle for a LOOONG time. See it for yourself.
- Danny hears a loud grinding noise coming from the kitchen. After walking into the kitchen while saying the word "shit" four times, he asks his son what's up:
Danny: What's all the damn noise!
Danny's son: It's the garbage disposal.
Sounds like Chewbacca
taking a shit! (does a surprisingly good impression of the Chewbacca growl)
Danny's son: No it doesn't.
Danny: Yes it does!
Danny's son: No it doesn't!
Danny: Yes it does! (does another surprisingly good Chewbacca impression)
Danny's son: Shut up! (throws a blue sponge at Danny)
Danny's son: What for?!
Cause you don't think the garbage disposal sounds like Chewbacca taking a shit, that's why! Now Go to Your Room
Danny's son: Oh. Shit!
- While Danny is in the shower, his ex-wife Shirlena comes to visit. After she bangs on the door several times, this happens:
Danny: WAIT A MINUTE YOU DICK!
Shirlena: I don't have a dick, you prick!
Shirlena: "Danny, what do you want for breakfast?"
Danny: "Bacon and eggs, dear."
(Later, they have an argument)
Danny: I have to live in this hell hole! All you ever do is stay at home, and play with your tits, and look at your ass at the same time!
(Danny walks away while doing an impression of this and making a "d'uuuuaaah" noise. Shirlena throws a bowl of cereal at him)
Danny: (nearly panicking) Aah! Oh Shit!
(Cuts to him on his hands and knees cleaning up the mess)
- Two moments take place when Danny takes his son to a job interview in a bad neighborhood. The first occurs when Danny's son offers him some Twizzlers:
Danny's son: Dad, you want some Twizzlers?
Danny's son: But Dad, they're really good!
Danny's son: Come on Dad, just have some!
Danny's son: But Dad, they're low-fat!
Danny: *pounds his fists on the desk* BUTT FUCK!
(A guy who was sleeping next to Danny the whole time wakes up, takes off his sunglasses, and gives him a rather unfriendly look.
They then just sit and glare at each other.)
- About 10 minutes later, an absolutely furious janitor storms into the room wanting to fight Danny because Danny made a huge mess in the bathroom and caused the toilet to overflow:
Janitor: You shit on the fuckin' toilet?! Did you shit in the fuckin' toilet and put all the toilet paper in there?!
*throws chair at Danny* BULLSHIT!
Danny: Dick head!
Janitor: You wanna see a dick? You wanna see a big black dick?!
Danny: Kid about your shit!
Janitor: Shit like a horse. You got a horse ass on you. Shit like a fuckin' horse.
Danny: FUCK HORSES!
Janitor Who been fucking you in your ass.
Danny I don't give a shit about!
- During the fight, Danny shouts "You're a bitch!" and throws a newspaper page at the janitor's face. It's a hilariously poor choice of weapon, seeing as how the janitor is throwing chairs.
- Going out for drive-thru is always an event with Danny.
Danny: "I want two cheese burgers...with pickles and ketchup on 'em...*leans out the window towards the intercom*...and don't load it up with a bunch of bullSHIT!
Cashier: "Okay sir, that's two cheeseburgers with pickles and ketchup. Will there be anything else?"
Danny: "I want a biggy fries...*leans out window again*...and get me some SHIT...to DRINK!"
- Danny owes money:
- "Who gives a shit about Bigfoot... Men's asses!"
- Danny's cussing is always funny when he's shouting, but even more so when he's talking in a more normal tone of voice, such as when ordering a pizza and part of the phone falls on his groin.
Danny: "Oh, piss!...sorry, this fucking phone just hit me in the goddamn balls...I'm sorry, I got fucked."
- Danny's surprise birthday party:
Danny: (looking at his presents) Where'd you get all this shit?
Danny's son: We got it from Amazon.
Danny: Is that that big black woman you work with?
Danny's son: No, dad! Amazon.com!
Danny: Never heard of her.
- A recent video featured a segment dedicated to Danny saying "shit".
- *while vacuuming* "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! OH, SHIT!"
- "Shirlena treated me like a shit."
- "Your a big-ass waste of shit!"
- "HURRY UP, YOU SHIT BOAT!"
- "TONIGHT, ON UNSOLVED SHIT!!!"
- "That clock is full of SHIT!"
- Danny cussing out people on the phone is played over clips from The Lion King so it sounds like the characters in the Lion King are saying what Danny's saying.
"Big black woman with big tits, you can't miss her!"
"I'm gonna take a piss, and when I come back, I'm gonna talk about the Mighty Duck movies."
- Also, apparently something happens when Alex Trebek has a picture of a giraffe shoved in his ass during an earthquake.
- "Shit. If she was a car, she'd be a Four Door Ford Whore! ...bitch."
- There's a scene where Danny is talking about his doctor and what he doesn't want them knowing. He shouts into the phone, "Don't you EVER! Talk about my DICK! Without MY PERMISSION!" What really sells the scene is the upbeat, out-of-place music in the background.
- Danny's opinion of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah Winfrey's couch is fairly accurate: "He's not playing with a full dick."
- Danny watching Alf on DVD talking to his Grandma Jenelle on the phone. "I'm watching the first season of Alf on DVD. Alf. ALF! You're 93 years old and you don't know what Alf is?!" *hangs up phone* "Piece of crap!"
Danny: I love my grandma Jenelle. She's the sweetest woman in the whole world, and God bless her. BUT SHE'S OLD AS FUCK!
- Danny's reaction to waking up to a giant M&M statue by his bed.
- Danny carrying a hot casserole dish without oven mitts. When he gets back up after putting it down on the table, he hits his head on a chandelier. Leave room and cue Atomic F-Bomb!
FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! OW!
(Danny hits his head on the chandelier and stumbles out of the room)
- Danny's son accidentally throws a paper towel at Danny's crotch. Luckily, it wasn't hard...the paper towel, not his dick.
- Is Magnum, P.I. coming on? Better get out of the way, because Danny will run over you to watch it!
"HOLY FUCK! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, BITCH! SHIT!"
- That time there was a bird in the house.
"What do you mean 'a bird'?!"
- Ronald Mcgoddamn Donald!
- As his ex-wife tells him about her grandfather ended up lost in a K-Mart due to Alzheimer's (and started taking his clothes off), Danny does his best to hold in his laughter. She finally notices him giggling:
Shirlena: DANNY, ARE YOU LAUGHING?!
Danny: (laughing) AHAHAHA YOUR GRANDPA'S AN ASS!
- "When I die and go to heaven and see God, I'm gonna say, 'Shit!'"
- After working in the attic, without his Tony the Tiger shirt.
Danny: I don't have time for this chicken-shit bull shit.
Son: Dad, is that a Mickey Mouse T-shirt?
Danny: What the fuck you talkin' about?
Son: Look, that's his ears there, and there's his face.
Danny: That's not Mickey Mouse, that's just TIT DIRT!
- Danny and son go shopping at a supermarket:
Son: Dad, can we get some of this movie theater butter popcorn?
Danny: How much is it?
Son: Just two for five dollars.
Danny: Oh, what the hell. I guess so.
Son: You mean it? OH YES! (starts jumping up and down)
Danny: Calm down! Calm down! Don't get a big DICK!
- Later, during the same grocery store trip.
Danny: "What the hell do you mean a 'Peter Pan Peanut Butter Alert'?"
- Danny going to some extreme to locate the store's bathrooms. By that, we mean that he loudly barges into one of the back doors.
Son: Dad, you can't go in thee.
Danny: I don't give a shit! Shit! Shit!
Danny crashes through the back door, startling the workers behind it.
Danny: Where'd the assholes who built this place put the BATHROOMS?!
- Danny's dad has only appeared thrice, but each appearance is absolutely hilarious.
- On Thanksgiving Day, everybody was supposed to bring food... but almost everybody brought mashed potatoes. Danny's dad is not amused.
Danny's dad: WHAT IS THIS?!?! *slams pot on table* 'Shitload of Mashed Potatoes Day'?! *leans in closer and screams in Danny's face* HUH?!
- We then see Danny's dad rummaging around in a kitchen drawer.
There's gotta be something else to eat in this damn house... aw hell, he's got some corn, some green beans, some oats, some saltines... *pulls out a box of Count Chocula cereal◊
and pauses to look at it* What the hell's THIS shit?
- Later, during a game of pool, a falling curtain causes Danny's dad to fall. The camera man goes to help him to his feet, but accidentally drops him when his cussing cause him to laugh. Not as amused, Danny's dad chases the cameraman through the house. Thankfully, the cameraman escapes in his van, leaving Danny's dad to curse him as he drives away.
Danny's dad: "YOU COCKSUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
(Special thanks to the Doppler effect.)
- Danny to his Dad "Fuck you and every mall Santa who looks like you!"
- Hell, the whole damn exchange is hliarious. It starts with a cursing battle between Danny and his ex:
Danny: (pounds table) Fuck you!
Shirlena: Fuck you!
Danny: FUCK YOU!
Shirlena: FUCK YOU!
Danny: I said fuck you first, so fuck you!
Danny's dad: Hey, there's a whole lot of fucking going on in this room!
Danny: Fuck you!
Danny's dad: Well, fuck you!
Danny: Fuck you!
Danny's dad: Fuck you!
Danny: Fuck you and every mall Santa that looks like you!
- Followed by Danny's dad looking himself over and realizing that yes, he does look like Santa.
- Followed immediately thereafter by Danny's dad with his son in a headlock.
- Let's just say that the entire series is like one huge CMOF.
- FUCK SALT!
- WHERE'S THE PAPER TOWELS?!?!?
- Danny is apparently a fan of Captain Planet.
Danny's Son: They took all the fishing poles from the backyard and they left a bunch of beer cans and garbage.
Danny: Damn it! I'm getting all sick and all goddamn tired of all these looters... and polluters!
- Later, during the same segment, Danny has a Freudian Slip while talking on the phone.
: "I talk to my son, on a DICK!
) ...DAILY BASIS!!
- In-universe example. Danny is talking on the phone about his appointment with a Dr. Rhodes, and says to the receptionist on the phone "Remember that fat wrestler from the 1980s named Dusty Rhodes? Man, he was a piece of shit!" The cameraman then falls over on the floor laughing while Danny gives him a dirty look.
- Funny things happen when Danny drinks, like the time he did his own version of Unsolved Mysteries.
"Tonight! On Unsolved Mysteries! Find out who gives a shit about Bigfoot! UPDATE! Apparently, nobody gives a shit, so FUCK HIM!
"UPDATE! Last night, somebody broke in and stole over $500 worth of SHIT! from my place! That's right! Five hundred dollars worth of BULLSHIT!!"
- Later, Danny takes another whack at doing Unsolved Mysteries.
"TONIGHT, ON UNSOLVED SHIT!!!"
- Two words: "HORSE MANURE!!!"
- While shopping around at Walmart, Danny's father comes across a black woman with a HUGE ass. After some persuasion from Danny's son, he decides to hit on her. By talking like a black guy. It goes just as well as you'd expect it to go.
Danny's dad: DAAAAMN, bitch! You've got a stupid fat ass!
- Danny's dad is in line at what appears to be a McDonald's, when this happens:
Bystander: What, did you forget your wallet?
: No. I mean MOVE, I GOTTA SHIT!
(Shoves him out of the way and runs for the bathroom)
- "I'M NOT AFRAID OF SHIT! (Beat) ...except snakes."
- "Random Jail Story":
Danny: And then I had to use the bathroom, AND FIFTY PEOPLE WAAAAATCHED!
- Danny starts choking on popcorn. Even while coughing, he keeps eating it and cussing:
Danny: (cough cough) Dick. (cough cough cough) Balls! (coughs, waves a piece of popcorn in the air as if making a point) Cock! (eats it)
- Danny was going to appear on Wheel of Fortune, but got "bumped". He took it about as well as one would expect.
"You guys really pissed me off! I told my whole family I was gonna be on! SHIT! I just don't give a SHIT about Wheel of Fortune anymore! If I ever see Vanna White in person, I'll call her a bitch! Then I'll tie Pat Sajak to a telephone pole and let a UPS guy BUTT FUCK him!"
- Danny chews out his cable company on camera for charging him for Showtime even though it was supposed to be free for three months, and also for charging him a "franchise fee". The camera gradually zooms in on his face during the last part of his rant for a hilarious and genuinely intimidating effect.
Danny: If I don't get a full refund, I'm gonna take you to small claims court, and take my business to Comcast! And once you see my dick, YOU WON'T WANT IT!
- While Danny's on the phone, he screams "PIIIIIIIISSSS!" so loudly that the top page of a wall calendar came loose and fell back down, changing the calendar to the previous month.
- Danny plays Mortal Dick Head:
Son: Dad, you're getting your ass kicked!
Danny: Fuck you, there's a fly in here!
- Despite being only 45 seconds long, the Halloween 2014 video manages to be this for not just the viewer but Danny's son and the cameraman as well. Danny is pissed off, but what else is new?
Danny: "OH, JESUS CRAP!!!"
- Funnier when Danny runs out of his house and starts screaming for help, causing his neighbors to call the cops. When he comes back inside the house, there are sirens wailing in the background.
- Then Danny inevitably yells at his son.
Danny: YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!!! YOU SCARED SHIT OUTTA ME!!!
- Danny's "road rage" in the Christmas 2014 video, which is him yelling things like "Smell my ass!" at people on the sidewalk as he drives past.
Danny: (passing by a group of road workers) Gentlemen! EAT SHIT!
Danny's Son: Dad!
- The painfully forced and obviously faked clip where they have someone dress up in a poorly pixelated out rubber mask and pretend to be Shirlena's dad in a wheelchair, while Danny conspicuously unfurls a paper towel. Danny and his son sound like they rehearsed a skit and phoned the lines in.
- Danny having another issue with bills, this time a credit card- and being outsourced to the dreaded Operator from India. But unlike many other times before, the infernal operator loses his patience and gets the last word:
Danny: You know what, fuck you people! Kiss my ass! I'm going to a different credit card company!
I DON'T GIVE A SHEET!! (hangs up on him)
Danny: SON OF A BITCH!!! OHHHHH!!! (slams phone repeatedly)