- Eating at a friends house.
Friend: Does it taste all right?
Danny: It's pretty good!
(Danny glances and shrugs to a picture)
Danny: Who's that faggot with a tuba?
Friends: "THATS OUR DAD!" "WATCH YOUR MOUTH!" "DANNY!"
Danny: OH SHIT! SORRY!
- Danny loves Total
Danny: There's some cereal right here.
Son: Ohh, thats Total... I don't really like that...
- Danny and phones.
Danny: Fashion Bug.
Danny: Fashion Bug.
I'd like to meet the motherfucker who named it Fashion Bug, and shove a broom up his ass!
Phone rings. Danny picks up the reciever.
- The bit where Danny calls Colgate Toothpaste to complain:
Danny: Yes. I bought your Colgate Toothpaste. The one with tartar control. And it made me feel... like a PIECE OF SHIT! This is BULLSHIT!
(He gets put on hold, and "Every Breath You Take
" - which was heavily sampled by Puff Daddy's "I'll Be Missing You" - starts to play)
(Danny bobs his head to the music... pauses...)
Sting: Every breath you take...
- A conversation between Danny and one of his neighbors:
Danny: My son bought home some cases of pickles from the cannery. I was wondering if I could store them at your place.
Neighbor: How many pickles are we talking about here?
Danny: It's about... thirty cases.
Neighbor: Thirty cases of pickles?! I-I don't know, my house is gonna smell like pickles!
Danny: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
- In one scene Danny takes a shower with Head and Shoulders and curses at the bottle here because it burns him.
- Danny hears a loud grinding noise coming from the kitchen. After walking into the kitchen while saying the word "shit" four times, he asks his son what's up:
Danny: What's all the damn noise!
Danny's son: It's the garbage disposal.
It sounds like Chewbacca
taking a shit! (does a surprisingly good impression of the Chewbacca growl)
Danny's son: No it doesn't.
Danny: Yes it does!
Danny's son: No it doesn't!
Danny: Yes it does! (does another surprisingly good Chewbacca impression)
Danny's son: Shut up! (throws a blue sponge at Danny)
Danny's son: What for?!
Because you don't think the garbage disposal sounds like Chewbacca taking a shit, that's why! Now Go to Your Room
Danny's son: Oh, shit.
- While Danny is in the shower, his ex-wife Shirlena comes to visit. After she bangs on the door several times, this happens:
Danny: WAIT A MINUTE YOU DICK!
Shirlena: I don't have a dick, you prick!
(Later, they have an argument)
Danny: I have to live in this hell hole! All you ever do is stay at home, and play with your tits, and look at your ass at the same time!
(Danny walks away while doing an impression of this and making a "d'uuuuaaah" noise. Shirlena throws a bowl of cereal at him)
Danny: (nearly panicking) Ah! Oh Shit!
(Cuts to him on his hands and knees cleaning up the mess)
(beat) I love you.
- Two moments take place when Danny takes his son to a job interview in a bad neighborhood. The first occurs when Danny's son offers him some Twizzlers:
Danny's son: Dad, you want some Twizzlers?
Danny's son: But Dad, they're really good!
Danny's son: Come on Dad, just have some!
Danny's son: But Dad, they're low-fat!
Danny: *pounds his fists on the desk* BUTT FUCK!
(A guy who was sleeping next to Danny the whole time wakes up, takes off his sunglasses, and gives him a rather unfriendly look.
They then just sit and glare at each other.)
- Later, an absolutely furious janitor storms into the room wanting to fight Danny because Danny made a huge mess in the bathroom and caused the toilet to overflow:
Janitor: Did you shit in the fuckin' toilet? Did you shit in the fuckin' toilet and put all the toilet paper in there?
*throws chair at Danny* Bullshit!
Danny: Dick head!
Oh, you wanna see a dick? You wanna see a big black dick?!
Janitor: He got a big 'ol horses ass on 'im.
Danny: FUCK HORSES!
- During the fight, Danny shouts, "You're a bitch!" and throws a newspaper page at the janitor's face. It's a hilariously poor choice of weapon, seeing as how the janitor is throwing chairs.
- Danny owes money:
Danny: (while swaying around with a beer in his hand) We're gonna be out of the butt... and into the fuck... if we don't come up with that 36 dollars. *passes out on the floor*
- "Who gives a shit about Bigfoot... Men's asses!"
- Danny's surprise birthday party:
Danny: (looking at his presents) Where'd you get all this shit?
Danny's son: We got it from Amazon!
Danny: Is that that big black woman you work with?
Danny's son: No, dad! Amazon.com!
Danny: Never heard of her.
- Danny cussing out people on the phone is played over a clip from The Lion King so it sounds like the characters in the Lion King are saying what Danny's saying. "Big black woman with big tits, you can't miss her!" "I'm gonna take a piss and when I come back I'm gonna talk about the Mighty Duck movies."
- Also, apparently something happens when Alex Trebek has a picture of a giraffe shoved in his ass during an earthquake.
- Danny watching Alf on DVD talking to his Grandma Jenelle on the phone. "I'm watching the first season of Alf on DVD. Alf. ALF! You're 93 years old and you don't know what Alf is?!" *hangs up phone* "Piece of crap!"
Danny: I love my grandma Jenelle. She's the sweetest woman in the whole world, and God bless her. BUT SHE'S OLD AS FUCK!
- Danny's reaction to waking up to a giant M&M statue by his bed.
- Danny carrying a hot casserole dish without oven mitts. When he gets back up after putting it down on the table, he hits his head on a chandelier. Leave room and cue Atomic F-Bomb!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
(Danny hits his head on the chandelier and stumbles out of the room)
- Danny's son accidentally throws a paper towel at Danny's crotch. Luckily, it wasn't hard. ... The paper towel, not his dick.
- That time there was a bird in the house.
What do you mean "a bird"?!
- Ronald Mcgodamn Donald
- As his ex-wife tells him about her grandfather ended up lost and naked in a K-Mart due to Alzheimer's, Danny does his best to hold in his laughter. She finally notices him giggling:
Shirlena: DANNY! ARE YOU LAUGHING?!
Danny: (laughing) AHAHAHA YOUR GRANDPA'S AN ASS!
- "When I die and go to heaven and see God, I'm gonna say, 'Shit!'"
- After working in the attic, without his Tony the Tiger shirt.
Son: Dad, is that a Mickey Mouse T-shirt?
Danny: What the fuck you talkin' about?
Son: Look, that's his ears there, and there's his face.
Danny: That's not Mickey Mouse, that's just TIT DIRT!
- Danny and son go shopping at a supermarket:
Son: Dad, can we get some of this movie theater butter popcorn?
Danny: How much is it?
Son: Just two for five dollars.
Danny: Oh, what the hell. I guess so.
Son: You mean it? OH YES! (starts jumping up and down)
Danny: Calm down! Calm down! Don't get a big DICK!
- Danny's dad has only appeared twice, but each appearance is absolutely hilarious.
- On Thanksgiving Day, everybody was supposed to bring food... but almost everybody brought mashed potatoes. Danny's dad is not amused.
Danny's dad: WHAT IS THIS?!?! *slams pot on table* 'Shitload of Mashed Potatoes Day'?! *leans in closer and screams in Danny's face* HUH?!
- We then see Danny's dad rummaging around in a kitchen drawer.
There's gotta be something else to eat in this damn house... aw hell, he's got some corn, some green beans, some oats, some saltines... *pulls out a box of Count Chocula cereal◊
and pauses to look at it* What the hell's THIS shit?
- Danny to his Dad "Fuck you and every mall Santa who looks like you!"
- Hell, the whole damn exchange is hliarious.
Danny: (pounds table) Fuck you!
Shirlena: Fuck you!
Danny: FUCK YOU!
Shirlena: FUCK YOU!
Danny: I said fuck you first, so fuck you!
Danny's dad: Hey, there's a whole lot of fucking going on in this room!
Danny: Fuck you!
Danny's dad: Well, fuck you!
Danny: Fuck you!
Danny's dad: Fuck you!
Danny: Fuck you and every mall Santa who looks like you!
- Followed by Danny's dad looking himself over and realizing that yes, he does look like Santa.
- Let's just say that the entire series is like one huge CMOF.
- FUCK SALT!
- WHERE'S THE PAPER TOWELS?!?!?
- Danny is apparently a fan of Captain Planet.
Danny's Son: They took all the fishing poles from the backyard and they left a bunch of beer cans and garbage.
Danny: Damn it! I'm getting all sick and all goddamn tired of all these looters... and polluters!
- In-universe example. Danny is talking on the phone about his appointment with a Dr. Rhodes, and says to the receptionist on the phone "Remember that fat wrestler from the 1980s named Dusty Rhodes? Man, he was a piece of shit!" The cameraman then falls over on the floor laughing while Danny gives him a dirty look.
- While shopping around at Walmart, Danny's father comes across a black woman with a HUGE ass. After some persuasion from Danny's son, he decides to hit on her. By talking like a black guy. It goes just as well as you'd expect it to go.
Danny's dad: DAAAAMN, bitch! You've got a stupid fat ass!
- Danny's dad is in line at what appears to be a restaurant, when this happens:
Bystander: What, did you forget your wallet?
: No. I mean MOVE, I GOTTA SHIT!
(Shoves him out of the way and runs for the bathroom)
- "Random Jail Story":
Danny: And then I had to use the bathroom, AND FIFTY PEOPLE WAAAAATCHED!
- Danny starts choking on popcorn. Even while coughing, he keeps eating it and cussing:
Danny: (cough cough) Dick. (cough cough cough) Balls! (coughs, waves a piece of popcorn in the air as if making a point) Cock! (eats it)
- Danny chews out his cable company on camera for charging him for Showtime even though it was supposed to be free for three months, and also for charging him a "franchise fee". The camera gradually zooms in on his face during the last part of his rant for a hilarious and genuinely intimidating effect.
Danny: If I don't get a full refund, I'm gonna take you to small claims court, and take my business to Comcast! And once you see my dick, YOU WON'T WANT IT!