Funny: The Bible

  • This little snippet from Genesis, as Yahweh is looking for Adam:
    "And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?"
  • Acts 12:7: Evidently, Peter is such a deep sleeper that the angel had to kick him in the ribs to wake him up.
  • Otaku might call Moses' first confrontation with Pharaoh "the world's first Pokémon battle".
    • Oh God, the hilarity!
    Moses: Are you ready, Pharaoh? (tosses robe off dramatically and holds out his staff) SNAKE! I CHOOSE YOU!! (Dramatically throws it on the ground near Pharaoh's feet, complete with lightening effects)
    Crowd: (at the staff turning into the snake) Ooooooh!
    'Ramses: (smirks) Hmph! You desert people are all the same. (Stands up coolly) Prepare yourself as I demolish your miserable snake with my own snakes. (Takes two smaller staffs) POWERS OF RA! GUIDE MY WAY!!! (throws them at Moses' snake with the same dramatic lightning effects)
    Crowd: 8D (Now amazed at the spectacle) Aaaaaah!
    Moses: (glares) Cheap parlor tricks.
    MOSES' SNAKE USES 'DEVOUR' ON PHARAOH'S SNAKE (2)!!
    *Ramses' snakes die*
    IT'S SUPER-EFFECTIVE!!
    Ramses: O___O
    *Thousands of years later, Satoshi Tajiri is inspired to make Pokemon after reading this excerpt from the Bible*
    Moses: Wait, did you just summon two snakes in one turn?
    Ramses: Yeah, so?
    Moses: That's against the rules, isn't it?
    • From that same book in the Old Testament, Robin Williams suggested that the rain of frogs may have been Hebrews with catapults flinging them. And thank goodness it wasn't the French or else they'd be trapped.
    • Speaking of the plagues, those magicians were kind of idiots, weren't they? "Great. Just what we needed. More blood in place of water." "And frogs." They even tried with the lice/gnats/ticks/whatever, but couldn't. They do get the point and stop trying, though, and after boils stop them from standing before Moses, we just don't hear from them again.
  • Gideon had a dream of a giant loaf of bread destroying the enemy camp.
  • Paul holds a sermon in a tower. It continues long into the night. A guy sitting in the window falls asleep and falls to his death. Paul casually strolls down and hurls himself at the guy, says "This man is not dead", revives him... and goes up to continue his speech until dawn.
  • Paul derailing his own trial by inciting a theological argument amongst his Sadducee and Pharisee judges.
  • Matthew 21:18-19— "Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, 'May you never bear fruit again!' Immediately the tree withered."
    • God hates figs!
    • Just imagine Jesus yelling at a tree while the apostles all stand about awkwardly.
  • Acts 19:13-16 - When several amateurs try to exorcise a demon, it possesses them instead and causes them to go streaking.
    • Though another interpretation, which probably shouldn't be in this page, is that the demon-possessed guy raped them.
  • Elijah joking to 450 prophets of Baal that their god is too busy taking a shower to help them. Funnier if you interpret "shower" with "pee".
    • The word "busy" in the NIV or "pursuing" in the KJV in Elijah's taunt actually translates better into "pooping".
  • John 1:46: Does anything good come from Nazareth?
  • Although the Book of Job really belongs on another page (read Tear Jerker) One character just has a goofy name. Job's friend is Bildad the Shuhite That's pronounced Shoeheight. There is an old joke that he is the shortest man in the Bible next only to Nehimiah (knee-high mi ha) both are examples of a Captain Obvious Accidental Pun.
  • Judges 15:4-5 — "So Samson caught 300 foxes. He tied them together in pairs by their tails. Then he fastened a torch between their tails. He set the torches on fire and released the foxes in the Philistines' grain fields. So he set fire to all their grain, whether it was stacked or in the fields. Their olive orchards also caught on fire."
    • Not as funny if you remembered why he did it and what happen afterwards.
  • Joseph tells the two men in prison with him what is possibly the oldest recorded pun in history while explaining their dream interpretations : One gets his head lifted up, the other gets his head lifted off! Even better is that both interpretations start with the same seven words in Hebrewnote . You can just see the baker smiling as he hears the same words that began the cupbearer's dream... then it falls as he realizes it's taken a much darker turn.
    • That isn't even the first pun that story. When it says that Joseph's brothers hated him even morenote , it uses a word of the same root as his name.
  • Judges 15:16 (NIV)—"Then Samson said, 'With a donkey's jawbone I have made donkeys of them. With a donkey's jawbone I have killed a thousand men.'" Now go to the King James version.
  • Numbers 22. Balaam's donkey starts talking to him.
  • If you're in the right mood, the start of Jacob's family can be seen as this. Leaving aside, for the moment that it's his cousins, Jacob meets and falls in love with Rachel. He tells her father that he wants to marry her, and yes, WHY he wants to marry her. They strike a deal that he will work for 7 years. Jacob does this, marries his bride, takes her home and starts the honeymoon. It's not until the next morning that he had married Leah, Rachel's sister. He works for seven more years to marry Rachel. And then the sisters start a very absurd war for his affection using pregnancy! At one point, when Rachel complains about not getting pregnant, you can see Jacob's frustration and even fatigue with his answer, "What do you think I'm God?"
    • Cousins, ha. Remember who his grandfather married? His half-sister. But recall that this is before the laws regarding who one may have sex with were codified, and even when they were, cousins didn't make the "prohibited" list.
  • Deut. 25:7-10 tells of the funniest "divorce" ceremony ever. It involves the guy getting spat in the face. There's also one in there about how a woman who has grabbed a man's junk out of anger should have the hand cut off.
    Show her no pity.
  • The festival of Purim and the telling of the Book of Esther is like going to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Audiences have props, speak along with the verses, and, of course, boo the crap out of Haman whenever his name is mentioned.
  • The Book of Jonah, particularly the fourth chapter.
  • In Micah 2:11, the exasperated prophet berates the Israelites for only listening to false prophets who just tell them what they want to hear: "If a liar and deceiver comes and says, ‘I will prophesy for you plenty of wine and beer,' that would be just the prophet for this people!"
  • Tamar. Not the daughter of David, the one whom Judah's sons married. The first one, Er, died of an unspecified sinnote ; his brother, who married her, died after "pulling out" before his seed could come out. Judah thought there was something wrong with her, so even though he told her to wait until Shelah was grown, he delayed in giving her to him, so she dressed like a harlot, apparently knowing enough about Judah to know he'd go in to her. Instead of regular payment, she holds on to what amounts to his I.D., and after he leaves, she goes back to her father's house. She gets pregnant from the encounter, and someone tells Judah, who's ready to have her stoned. She sends him his stuff and asks him to identify them (perhaps a way of saying, "It takes two to tango, dude", as well as being a mirror of what he and his brothers did in asking their father to identify Joseph's robe). He backs down.
  • You wouldn't think the laws regarding leprosy would have anything funny in it (outside of maybe the mental image of a man having to cover his upper lip and call out, "Unclean! Unclean!"), but it has this to say about baldness:
    As for the man whose hair has fallen from his head, he is bald, but he is clean.

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