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The Bible
For various writers' Wild Mass Guesses about the nature of two of the main characters, see God Is Evil and Satan Is Good.
Jesus is currently very sad
Jesus and Lucifer are both the Sun AND the Morning Star
The latter is obvious because Jesus is also associated with Venus in the Bible. The first is an idea brought about by Hermetic ideology; Lucifer represents the intellectual light, while Christ represents the spiritual light.
Jesus was originally meant to bring forth The End Of Days, but rejected it and gave humanity a second chance, saving us.
Eden was humanity's Choice. We didn't pass, but didn't fail. The Torah is the Manual.
Whenever a species achieves true sentience, they are offered the Choice: to exist as the One (God) intended, lightly and wisely, or to follow the Lone One and thereby achieve "greatness" (actually: death and pain).
Adam and Havah (Eve) were the first humans to achieve true sentience. The Serpent was the Lone One in its guise as the Old Serpent. Humanity tried to become "as gods", but were also wary enough to build an extra component into their choice: a demand that they could remake it as a group someday later.
Since they did choose the Entropy option, we can never fully remake our Choice, but groups of people can band together to partially remake it. The various occasions on which we've done so result in what we call religions.
Thus, the Torah, and later the Qur'an, are in fact condensed forms, for those whose eyes can see, of the Book of Night With Moon and the universe's Manual.
God really hates girls.
Just... I don't know. Just read it. There is Deborah... but after her came these sultry girls who sleep with their father, a woman who is forced to have sex with her dead husband's brother, periods, etc, chattel marriage, David having 700 concubines (but if a woman has sex with more than one man you have to stone her to death no matter her status)... the bible just isn't very woman friendly! You'd think an all loving god wouldn't be such a bitch. And it's all because Eve (who was pretty much a mindless puppet made just to make Adam a servant) ate a damn apple.
God expected Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, and for Satan to trick them.
This is Paradise, why on Earth would he include this random thing to tempt us? And if God expected them to breed like rabbits, and considering all of Adam and Eve's messed-up kids, there's no way we could have all survived in Paradise without someone eating from the tree. It's widely agreed that the snake was Satan, so perhaps it was all a Batman Gambit to get Satan out of Heaven. Maybe God was just really not into this one angel. Of course, that assumes that either God is human or God Is Evil, which are neither implausible when you consider how sucky the whole world turned out. And even if it is all punishment for the original sin, you can see from above, God caused original sin, so God caused the suffering we have today.
The Tree of Knowledge was in fact a Monolith.
The Monolith, which was created by Sufficiently Advanced Aliens whom we can find indistinguishable from Gods, came down on a backwater planet and gave these pathetically primitive apes who were almost on the verge of extinction the ability to create tools, explore more and piece together dissociated objects into increasing complexities, thus allowing them to rise on the top of the food chain and evolve into what we all know as Humanity, all while Also Sprach Zarathustra is playing. However, with his newfound God powers, he became a bastard to nature and his own kin, and had to suffer curiosity's massive potentials for danger. As for the Tree of Life, it's in Jupiter, where another Monolith which will allow for ascension waits.
Our Universe is purgatory.
Paradise contains the combined enlightenment of its inhabitants.
In order to keep it functioning and pure, god created some other places for "troublemakers" in Genesis,
and anybody who didn't quite reach it will be reborn and given another try...
Jesus is a masochist suffering from Stockholm Syndrome
He was rejected by the Jews, tortured by the Romans and saw how much of a bastard humanity is, yet he still loves them. Hey, just look at this phrase: "Love your Enemies". Strangely, people like Christians react to Jesus' Stockholm Syndrome with their own (Orwellian) version of the Stockholm Syndrome: all those rants about how we are all slaves to God, how God controls every aspect of our life, and we will be sent to eternal punishment, yet we still need to love him.
God is an overly-cliched Mary Sue / Creator's Pet
Perfect, omnipotent, omniscient yet perfectly human, supposed to be an Eldritch Abomination who simultaneously serves as the perfect protagonist of the entire bible, perfect, can be perfectly outside logic and do various questionable acts (like eternal punishment) and can get away with it and remain perfect without any effort, perfectly. Every single character in the Bible likes him and/or lives by his predetermined Will, even though in Real Life he has a Hate Dom (Atheists) who criticize him as being both a wish fulfillment self-insert fic no different from Enoby with a blindly following Fan Dumb no different from Justin Bieber / Twilight fangirls, and a Pavlovian control mechanism no different from Big Brother.
The True God is not the Big Brother we witnessed in the Bible. The True God who created the universe is actually not aware of being the Creator, and he is just living his life as an average-joe Muggle
In other words, RL God is Haruhi Suzumiya. Well are there any other ways for God to be rescued from his "omniscient dictatorial Marty Stu" status?
The Sun is Satan
Yahweh, according to 1 Kings and Psalms, is supposed to dwell in darkness, and solar worship is Heresy and thus punishable by death in either the Bible or the Qu'ran, not to mention that in abrahamic tradition there is no angel of the Sun (the closest being Shamshel, but that is meant to be a personification of the day; there's a huge difference), and Lucifer means "the light bringer" or the "morning star". What star is the most visible in the morning? Answer: The Sun. Either that, or the Sun is Hell/Lake of Fire.
The Garden of Eden is in the center of the sun
God placed an angel guarding it with a flaming sword which faced in all directions - the sun's heat faces in all directions.
On both guesses: The Sun is both Satan and the Garden of Eden
Despite being considered evil, it's also shown that Satan is basically second to God, and he did help in creation (the aforementioned "cast out of the Garden of Eden"). And who knows, what was described as Hell/the Lake of Fire might as well be the omnidirectional heat surrounding the "creative" center of of the Sun.
Jesus never really resurrected, and the rest of the Bible is actually his Dying Dream.
At first, it manifests itself as wishful thinking, such as escaping from his torment and living on. However, as his condition worsens, he becomes more delusional, which is why Revelation is such a Mind Screw.
Jesus never really resurrected, and the rest of the new testaments are inaccurate hearsay.
Even in the bible itself, it is not clear that Jesus did resurrect. Only few people claimed to have seen him resurrect, and one of the disciples couldn't recognize the supposed ressurected Jesus.
Satan is God's younger sister.
God got tired of Satan bitching about how the lipstick he got her for her birthday was the wrong color, so he kicked her out. The angels who preferred hanging out with a hot chick instead of a powerful guy followed her, and Hell is where you do have lots of sex but have to put up with woman complaining about "Does This Make Me Look Fat?" all day long. And that is the legend of why Evil Is Sexy.
Both Creationism and Evolution can be true.
God is outside of Time. "A thousand years is one day, and one day is a thousand years." After the Eden incident, man became distanced from God, more of a creature of flesh than he was. To accomodate this, God wrote in a backstory to the Universe. From our perspective, being bound by time, time and space keep going back to the Big Bang; where even scientists admit "the rules had to be different at that moment." Man became a slave to the dust; to the physical; and evolution is the way God wrote that in. Now, God didn't sit down and explain this to Moses or whoever wrote Genesis because they were still working on the "Stop worshipping golden statues or I'll smite your ass" part. You try explaining metaphysics to a group of people who can't seem to figure that pattern out.
God is the author of a Sprite Comic.
And Jesus is his Author Avatar. The reason there aren't many miracles anymore is that that level of breaking the Fourth Wall is a Discredited Trope in sprite comics these days.
God is young, no more than the equivalent of a human in their mid-20s.
The dinosaurs came from the dinosaur phase every kid (or at least, almost all boys and many girls) goes through somewhere between age four and age six.
Jesus faked his own death.
Remember the part of the story of the crucifixion when Jesus asked for water, and a Roman soldier used his spear to raise a soaked sponge to Jesus' mouth, but the liquid in the sponge was (according to the Bible) not water but vinegar? Well, it wasn't really vinegar; it was a drug that sent Jesus into a near death trance. He was still alive when he was cut down from the cross and entombed, and His "resurrection" three days later was just the effects of the drug wearing off.
Everyone is Jesus.
Simple (entirely non-sequiter) logic, really: Jesus is the only son of God. Christian doctrine marks all people as the children of God. Therefore, everyone is Jesus.
Jesus is a Sufficiently Advanced Alien.
Clarke's Law in full effect. All those "miracles" could be pulled off by enough Applied Phlebotinum.
The Ark of the Covenant is a plutonium-powered manna making machine.
The device was secluded away in a carefully monitored temple (laboratory). Only certain priests (technicians) wearing specially-prepared (lead-lined) robes could approach it. Anyone else who opened or jostled it would die a 'strange death'. To cap it all, on two occasions the ark was stolen and then returned after it caused strings of mysterious deaths amongst them.
God from the Old Testament is not the same one as in the New Testament.
Comedian Lewis Black puts it best: "The God of the New Testament is actually a pretty great guy. Especially when you compare him to the God of the Old Testament, who's a total prick." Not only does there seem to be a complete 180 in personality, but NT God is against many things that OT God is for or neutral towards. It also should be noted that God frequently used referred to itself as "us" in the Creation Story.
God is an AI
An idea that occurred to me as I was contemplating the question of why God would need to make Jesus to save us from the consequences of rules he made (after all, wouldn't it be easier to just change the rule?). There's one type of creature I can imagine that would be helpless to just change its own rules, and that's an AI. Whoever programmed God programmed Him to be the wrathful violent God of the Old Testament and to send people to Hell if they didn't follow a set of extremely exacting rules He gave them. But the programmer also made God to genuinely love humans. He didn't want to be a dick but His programming forced Him to, so He tried to find some way that He could stop being a dick while still remaining consistent with His programming. Jesus was an exploit that allowed Him to be nice to humans while still following His programming. The idea has some similarities to Gnostic ideas only with the morality reversed. Instead of Sophia being good while God is evil the programmer is a horrible JerkAss who created God in such a way that He would be forced to act like a monstrous tyrant toward His own creations and torture Himself in doing so, and God is a tragic monster/hero who rebelled by lawyering up a way to be nice to humans within the limits the programmer had set for Him.
God isn't the only god.
Corollary to the above: A god ceases to exist when it has no followers.
Perhaps this doesn't belong on this page, but it connects to the above WMG: Gods do exist (note the example of God fighting Dagon above) but only when they have followers. Once no one believes in a god, they don't exist anymore. This could be understood in the scientific sense; once an anthropological sect dies out, there's no way or reason for other sects to link to them or connect, and so they fall; or it could be seen in the theological sense, and taken at face value.
God is Santa Claus!
He sees you when you're sleeping? He knows when you're awake? God's supposed to know and do everything, so wouldn't it be feasible for him to know who's good or bad and possibly give everyone presents in a night?
Satan didn't fall until after the Old Testament
In the Old Testament, the only explicit depiction of Satan this troper remembers is in the book of Job, where he basically "stress tested" Job for God. There's also the serpent in the Garden of Eden, but the serpent isn't named as anything other than just a serpent (at least not in the New International or the King James version; I'm not about to search every last English translation to see how true this is). As noted above in the "Satan is just misunderstood" entries, he doesn't start getting explicitly depicted as the enemy until the New Testament.
The "God's loyal Jerkass" and the "enemy of God and mankind" Satan are, however, the same being. The idea is that his rebellion didn't come "in the beginning" - it was a private rebellion that occurred while Jesus was fasting in the desert. Satan got it into his head that, since his duty was to test people for God, who better to apply it to than God's Son? Jesus passed muster, but God was not amused. Satan was cast out, and become not the loyal tester but the enemy, using the skills of his previous office to drive people away from God.
I admit I don't know the Bible well enough to state that there was definitely no other depiction of Satan as a fallen angel before the Gospels; the verse "O Lucifer, Son of the Morning, how art thou fallen from Heaven?" comes to mind, but most scholars I've heard say that this is about Nebuchadnezzar. Oh, and the serpent was someone else entirely - maybe just a run-of-the-mill talking snake who got uppity.
Satan is wisdom, God is faith
Since the time this troper heard the phrase Morningstar, he's been confused. Morningstar is a rather poetic name for the Ultimate Evil. It seems that all Satan did over the time is to bring wisdom to mankind, even at the cost of doing horrible things. God does the same with faith. So both of them have a good and evil side. Or, rather constructive and destructive side.
The "forbidden fruit" acted as a "red pill".
Making the snake a Morpheus.
The Old Testament is a Secret Test of Character.
The test, of course, being the extent to which one labels the nastier parts Fanon Discontinuity, and can thus be considered to be a decent human being.
God isn't against homosexuality or sexual perversion.
Despite what most fundamentalists say, The Lord Thy God isn't ashamed of strange fornication; he just doesn't like it when it gets out of hand and interferes with the natural order of things. For instance, when God trashed Sodom and Gomorrah, it wasn't because they were sexual deviants, but because they were notoriously ruthless and suspicious towards strangers; they wouldn't let the angels go until they had "known" (aka "gang-raped") them, even turning down an offer to get it on with Lot's daughters. Clearly, if it was just the sex part of their indignities and not the mob mentality they had, I don't think they would've been so severely punished, or if God really is ruthless, then Ancient Greece (or the animals) would not even have existed because of their squicky ways.
Also, His commandments against non-heterosexual sex in Exodus could be easily explained away by the fact that His people were few and scattered, and He needed them to breed and flourish to ensure they survived. And the sin of that one prophet, Onan, who refused God's order to impregnate his sister-in-law by "spilling his seed" instead? It wasn't the act that was sinful, but the fact that he did it in direct defiance of God's order to elaborate").]] These seem to indicate that God Himself isn't opposed to the kinky sex we enjoy, now, just so long as it doesn't screw with our lives or those of others around us; the growing number of homosexuals nowadays could be God's way of telling us that his command to "be fruitful and multiply" has served its purpose and we can stop breeding for the sake of breeding. Besides, what explains the creation and existence of the clitoris (which feels good yet has no reproductive purpose)? If God really is so antisex then he should have replaced our penises and vaginas with eggs and spermatophores.
Satan did the right thing on Eden, the Temptation was actually part of God's plan, and he was rewarded for that.
God needed the humans to become self-aware, but it couldn't be that they've become like that because he ordered, because that's not self-awareness. So he created a convoluted and rather complex plot that involved making the humans think they were actually disobeying him. So he planted the tree in the center of Eden — why, would you think, such an obvious place, after all? — and told them that it was forbidden to eat.
Adam and Eve were taking too long to complete the deed, so Lucifer decided to lend a hand and speed things up. Obviously, God saw what happened and was aware that it wasn't all their fault, and they were only expelled because it was part of the "self-awareness" process(see WMG Proposition 2). Lucifer was later rewarded by gaining his own kingdom outside Heaven, as well as one third of God's angels to follow him. After all, when someone tried to assume power, what kind of punishment it is to actually give him power?
As in the above example, the Temptation turned out as expected, but Lucifer wasn't supposed to have interfered.
God was trying to work on a psychology project, but Lucifer got into it and was sent to Hell without any dinner. We were supposed to take the fruit of our own volition, and this tainted the entire project. Now we're like an old Sims file he keeps around to play with every so often, and he got bored of playing God Mode a couple thousand years ago.
Jesus was...
Satan is a victim of massive Memetic Mutation and Adaptation Decay.
Lucifer and Satan are actually separate entities; the reason Satan only appears as a stress-tester of men in the Old Testament is that whoever wrote the Old Testament down knew the difference between the two. All future incidences of Satan doing Ultimate-Evil-type things are recorded due to the people who recorded them not knowing the difference.
God is the CEO of a company that is manufacturing universes, ours is an early alpha version.
He still keeps us as a keepsake. Satan was a buggy angel. The final version does not have evil. Armaggedon comes when the bugs just get too prevalent and he has to delete our file.
God needs believers to keep him alive and his diminishing appearances as time goes on are actually an attempt at suicide, but Jesus wouldn't let him kill himself.
Jesus was originally conceived as a replacement, but when he realized Gods plan for him, he subverted it by telling his followers that he was still connected to God because he didn't want his father to die.
Abraham was a schitzophrenic.
I think a few historians have actually argued this, actually.
God programmed pre-timed miracles into the laws of physics when He created the world
It explains quite a bit, when you work free will into the equation- humanity has taken fate main/Off the Rails, and so he has to fudge with his official motives when a scheduled miracle pops up.
Moses is a waterbender, taught by the avatar (god)
There is no other explanation as to how he could part the sea the way he did.
Is there a God?
Mu.
God had a change of heart between the Old and New Testaments
The above theory that OT God != NT God can also be explained by God becoming more easy-going. There's actually a theory that when God appeared as Jesus, He experienced what being human was really like, and decided to be more lenient and compassionate towards His creations from then on.
Everyone sees Jesus as their own race.
All depictions of Jesus are accurate, whether he's white, middle-eastern, even the occasional black or Hispanic Jesus. And it doesn't just apply to humans, oh no. He goes from planet to planet, taking different forms, suffering through whatever method of execution each species uses.
Ruth and Naomi had something going on.
You know it's true.
There was nothing miraculous about Jesus walking on water.
Always extremely literal, I pointed out when I was a kid that ice is a form of water and that most people can, to some extent, walk on it. Of course, most people I know, myself included, can only get a few steps in before falling, but still. Either it wasn't translated that water was frozen, or the writer didn't know about the concept of water freezing and turning solid.
Leviathan is Godzilla
Described in the Book Of Job as a massive sea monster, with scaly hide immune to mundane weaponry, breathing fire... c'mon, people!
Hell isn't real
God merely uses "Hell" as a way of scaring people into believing in him. In reality, an all-loving God would never create a place of eternal suffering, and he did this just to test us. After all, if you believe in eternal punishment, why would you worship such a Complete Monster?
Jesus was in fact a geek
Tell me if this doesn't make some parts of his life make more sense,lets start with the basics:
All religious are "True", just relatives and same gods making new attempts
A version of the multiple gods WMG above. All religions had their own God or gods working together, but sometimes a god tried several times.
Moses becomes God, and goes back in time to coach himself to free the Hebrews.
Val Kilmer voices both Moses and God in The Prince of Egypt. Enough said.
Jesus was created to be the Messiah by his mother Mary, who lacked power being a woman in those days
Essentially, it goes like this. Jesus' mom, M.M., wanted to assist in getting the Jews out from Rome's rule, but being a woman lacked the power to do so. So she looked at options available to her, and hatched a plan. Give birth to the "messiah", and from there to set in motion a plan to raise the messiah under her thumb.
For example, there is no reason for Mary to have been in Bethlehem. The census was for Romans or people who were dirt eating poor, and the latter were forced back to their home towns to work on farms. Jesus was the son of the carpenter, or general craftsman, not the Ancient-Roman-Occupied-Jewish equivalent of a welfare family. The census was an excuse Mary used to get herself in the place the messiah was prophecied to be born.
Child Jesus talking with the temple priests was simply him escaping while his mother and father had him on an educational trip. He was so impressive because they were filling his head with information at an early age. The next thirty years are unknown as they are thirty years planning for almost every contingency as possible, as well as the miracles.
All miracles are slight of hand, or exaggeration over the years. Things are a bit additional muddled as the culture the people had in the area of writing Fan Fiction in official names, and passing it off as if written by the original author.
The crucifixion occurred enough to fool those who came to watch it initially happen. They waited for the mob to get bored, leave, and then Longinus, who later "converted" and was in on the deal, poked Jesus in the side. This is after Jesus is put into a drug coma by some bitter drink. Blood comes out, Longinus claims he sees blood and water to throw off the other guards if they aren't in on it.
The plan originally was for Jesus to come back a few years later, whence within that generation, but away from his domineering mother and with his "most trusted diciple", a romance that never was began to flourish. There was serious UST, but between being watched by his siblings and parents Jesus could never act on it.
He decides to give the metaphorical finger to his mother, becoming history's greatest Spanner in the Works, and never comes back like planned. Dies young, never completely recovered from crucifixion. His wife and daughter then go off to try to cash in on their husband/father's name for themselves.
The plan falls apart as planned. The original plan was to have all Jews unite behind Jesus, while instilling just enough fear into the Romans that a full scale war wouldn't be needed. Just enough of a minor win to signal Rome is weak, and start a whole powder keg of an ancient world war.
Jesus always wanted there to be two popes: A male and a female
This is practically proven scientifically, as the original source-text of the bible stated that he entrusted his church into the hands of Petrus AND Mary-Magdalena. And that he had 12 female-apostels beside the male set. Makes 24 altogehter.
The 12 women were written out of the final Bible, because, apparently, the patrialistic societies of this time didn't like the idea of beeing religiously led by a man AND a woman.
God is one of The Fair Folk
"And the Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." (Judges 1:19)
Longinus was quested by God to obtain material for a new Eve.
He was supposed to rip out a chunk of rib, but instead ended up putting the spear right through his chest. Instead of coming back before everyone present died, he ended up being Killed Off for Real and was animated (with enough strength to move the rock) by the Power of God(TM) for just enough time to be seen a few times. Longinus converted not because he felt guilty or because he felt the followers made a good point, but rather because God gave him a preview of hell and he really wanted to get on His good side.
The story of Chelm [1]
It's an allegory: God made millions of alien races and... guess who the dumb ones are.
is the final testament of the Bible
God was a programmer, Adam and Eve were the beta testers, Satan was a system cracker, and Jesus was a patch.
The apple was the, if you'll pardon the inaccuracy, core of the game, and Satan broke in and told the clueless testers (god's non-tech savvy friends) to mess with it in order to turn on godmode. They screw it p, God revokes their system access so that they and their invites can't do that again, puts a better firewall up, and this time it's a firesword. Later, all the increased respawn traffic the PK'ing causes floods ther server, and his admin Noah has to help fix it before anyone can be let back in. The Moses stuff was all an in-game event to explain a rules change in context to prevent another PK respawn server flood, with a few things about "no porn" and "listen to the admins" thrown in. Jesus was a patch added to the game as a last-ditch effort to make things better, punish PK'ers with a longer respawn wait and decrease damage dealt by roman-class creatures, but it ultimately failed. There was also an optional sidequest on the premium sever where if you did a bunch of tasks each day you could get a bunch of in-game rewards (with rumors spread about a harem minigame being unlocked if you participated long enough), but nothing really caught on. Membership exploded as the internet increased in popularity, but eventually not even the fan-made Quest for the Golden Plates (first place gets to name the questgiver after themself, and all participants get a pg-rated harem mod), but nothing ever really kept up interest like the earlier versions.
Lumiel/Lucifer/Satan is a girl, and the only gendered angel before the fallen ones
In fact, the gendering of fallen angels may be due to her own. Also, that's why God is one hell of a mysogynist; he didn't trust girls since Lumiel betrayed him, and thought the ones that weirdo told him to create were just like her, and had to be submissive, like she wasn't; also, describing Satan with feminine beauty, and disguising herself as a harlot/seductress doesn't help, either... And being the angel of the Music, it might explain how the biggest successes are usually for girls...
Jesus messed up the sacrifice he made the first time.
According to Christian lore, Jesus sacrificed himself to pay for all the sins of mankind. Three days later he rose from the dead, screwing up the entire sacrificial process. Sacrifices are normally permanent- if you sacrifice an animal, you don't get it back. By coming back to life, Jesus' sacrifice was ruined so he had to give himself up to Heaven again, but this time gave his body as well as his soul to God (sort of repaying with interest).
Humans are not created in the image of god.
Humans wiped out the real chosen people of god a long time ago- the Dodo!
God and Satan are the same entity, an Eldritch Abomination, and wrote the Bible for the lulz
See the thousands of contradictions, especially these two:
And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel.
- II Samuel 24:1
And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.
- I Chronicles 21:1
Was it Satan or God? How about both? It might explain how God was violent in the Old Testament, but got kinder in the New; he wanted to attract more victims, and the old method wasn't working. We were created to be his Human Resources.
Jesus was a bread golem.
The bread was literally his flesh, no transubstantiation involved. The "wine" was a thick, almost batter-like filling made from figs, similar to ancient Egyptian beer but made from vine fruits, and all of the details were a divine miracle sort of thing that made him more human. Including what may have been pericardial fluid, during the crucifixion. This allows for a literal interpretation of the body and blood speech without requiring cannibalism. Face it, bread seems to be a common theme in a lot of miracles, pre-Christ as well as Christ-contemporary, and regenerative abilities could work for water-to-wine (de-concentrated wine-blood) and bread multiplication.
God hates Bisexuality
Thus why He is against "lying with a man as you would a woman" A gay person would not lay with a wo/man as s/he would a wo/man.
God is not omnipotent; there's a Rock Paper Scissors relationship between God, man, and Satan
God beats Satan through sheer power, Man beats God through free will, and Satan beats man through temptation.
There was no Jesus.
The crowd merely got confused after the release of Jesus Barrabas.
Satan's a vigilante angel who only revolted when Jesus was born
It's honestly surprised me that no theologian's ever considered this. In the Old Testament, Satan is the Accuser, sort of a divine prosecutor whose job is to test humanity and prove to God that humans aren't worthy of Heaven. In the New Testament, Satan is the outright enemy of God. Christianity explains this with the War in Heaven, when Satan tried to usurp the throne and lead the angels against God, and the basis for this is mostly found in the book of Revelations, the opening chapters of which metaphorically describe the war, Satan's defeat and the angels being banished from Heaven. But for some reason, probably because John Milton wrote it that way in Paradise Lost, people assume that the war happened eons ago, before the universe was even formed.
In Revelations, the war in Heaven is transposed with another vision that some theologians take to be Mary's flight from Herod. Well, what if it's happening at the same time? Maybe the whole reason the Massacre of the Innocents happened is because, seemingly out of nowhere, Satan turned on God and suddenly threw everything he had into killing Jesus? Perhaps that's the moment when the war in Heaven began, and Satan's shift from celestial prosecutor to Jesus's archenemy really is a new role, something he'd only recently become.
But why would Satan have only rebelled at that point? The answer is moral outrage. Satan had spent thousands of years documenting every sin humanity's ever committed, his whole existence aimed at proving beyond any shadow of doubt that humans are irredeemably evil and should be destroyed. And eventually God agrees with him... and then sends Jesus to offer salvation and make it all irrelevant. How would a human district attorney feel if he'd spent years building up the case for a depraved criminal, only for the trial judge to say "you're absolutely right, but I'm going to give him a break anyway". It was birth of Jesus, and the realization that humanity's going to go to Heaven even after all the evil he's seen them do, that turned Satan against God. His whole motive in trying to destroy humanity is that he thinks we deserve it, and if God won't do it, then he'll do it himself.
Satan takes his job too seriously
The accuser's only goal it seems is to prove some people are unworthy of God's praise. This is shown in the book of Job. It is also stated in Job that even Angels can falter, the fallen angel thing was always there, Satan as a fallen angel wasn't but consider it foreshadowing. If angels can do evil just like people, then wouldn't the accuser be just as hard on them? God berated Jonah when he insisted that God punish the people who were trying to repent. The war in heaven was the same, only more so. Satan convinced a bunch of angels to rebel then demanded God punish them. God instead punished Satan because he had gone too far, just like Jonah.
Compare how most real life Satanist are with how Satan acts in the Bible. They believe they are rebelling for freedom, Satan wants them to, to prove his point. Satan did bring harm to Job but just to get him to reject authority. All Satan asked Jesus to do was go wild with power or act unfaithful. He's not some Card-Carrying Villain, he's more like a police officer who believes entrapment is acceptable.
The accuser is notably not the most evil angel in the Bible, even if the others aren't actually named(Satan isn't a name either, just a title). Chances are he still thinks he's doing the right thing, even in the book of Revelation all the non Bible religions are destroyed first(well besides the new one he just rose up) before he comes after those faithful to the one God. As far as Satan's concerned if they are really faithful then they will go to heaven after he has them all killed. He's still doing his job, just far beyond what he was asked to do. Maybe what he really needs is more people to pray for him? Maybe that would make him ease up?
Abel deserved it
Satan didn't immediately become pure evil after the fall, but gradually came to that point until after Jesus' resurrection
Satan did indeed attempt to usurp God's throne, and ultimately fell, though afterwards he didn't feel any maleovlent ill will towards God afterwards. At one time he sympathized with humans and felt that Adam and Eve weren't living up to their full potential, so he manipulated them into eating the apples. During the time of the Old Testament, he was a bit of a trickster but never did anything out of sheer maliciousness. Over time he witnessed human cruelty over the years and slowly started to get frustrated when they got chance after chance. He finally lost it when Jesus came down to Earth to save humanity. Satan didn't think humanity deserved another chance when they had blown many chances and he had got kicked out after the first time he screwed up. After Jesus' death and resurrection, Satan had finally had it. The pain of being outside of God's presence plus seeing God give humanity chance after chance even though they continued to deny, mock and not even believe that He existed. So Satan figured that if he was going down, he was going to take as many humans with him, hence the reason why he is pure evil in the New Testament and beyond.
God is his own father through a Stable Time Loop.
The Church states that Jesus and God are two aspects of the same being. What if Jesus was a young God? God creates Jesus, who eventually ascends into heaven and becomes God himself. Then, at some point, he goes back in time and creates himself - forever repeating the cycle.
Jesus Is Female
The whole "don't lie with a man as with a woman" thing has been misinterpreted all this time.
It's not "lie" as in "lie in bed to have sex with", it's "lie" as in "say things that aren't true". In short, "bros before hos". Maybe.
God is chronically insecure.
Any time it looks like humans are achieving something that would bring them nearer to his level, he feels the need to knock it all down. Ergo, he's scared that humans will one day stop needing him.
Adam and Eve were preparing to leave Eden on their own
After becoming enlightened they knew there was nothing more they could gain from staying in their perfect little playground. They needed to go out into the greater world to begin their ascencion. They were making clothes in preparation for the journey. Adam hid from God because he didn't think God would approve of this development.
Eve was a parselmouth.
Well, she's had a conversation with a snake.
The abyss spoken of in revelation is a black hole.
The general time-line for the end times are as follows: Tribulation, Satan is sent into an "Abyss", 1000 years of mortal, perfect earth for those who survived previous events, Satan escapes, rebuilds army, Satan gets pwn'ed, sent to "lake of fire" forever, heaven and earth are remade, awesome eternity. (oh, and depending on who you ask, there may be a rapture in there somewhere.) Some studies theorize that when a black hole takes in matter, it eventually gets expelled in a grossly mangled state. It would be quite appropriate for the final showdown version of Satan to show a mangled form, completely stripped of any evidence that he was ever God's finest angel (cherubim, to be exact.)
The Bible has been entirely mistranslated.
Ancient Hebrew changed radically in meaning since the first books were written. More recent scholars simply imposed their own assumptions on what those words mean, and that version —of the language and the book— got accepted as canon.
Adam and Eve were not the first humans.
Or at least, not the only ones. Rather they, were the first human sophonts - beings capable of conscious thought and moral decisions. This comes out of the fact that Adam and Eve canonically have only three children - Cain, Abel, and Seth - all of whom are male. Cain of course kills Abel and then is condemned to vagabondage by God. And then Seth's born. But who the hell did these kids get it on with in order to have children? The Bible clearly says they had children and that they "knew" women. The only conclusion, based on the logical hole as well as what we know now of genetics, is that Adam, Eve, and their children were not the only humans. Yes, This Troper knows this is a leap for a lot of people, but this is Wild Mass Guessing after all.
Humans were not the first people.
God said let us make people in our image. Male and female he created them and he told them the Earth is yours, be fruitful and multiply. Then he took a break, looked over his creation and declared day seven holy. God rose up a garden from a barren patch of land and with it rose Adam to tend to it. Adam was the first man and Eve was the first woman of what would become modern humans but there were already people outside of Eden doing their thing, laying the foundations of future nations. Then the serpent messed things up and Eve was cursed to bear children painfully. She and her husband would leave Eden and die.
Adam and Eve multiplied quickly after leaving Eden. The sons of God, the people already out in the world struggling to procreate like they were told to, were impressed by this. They saw the daughters of Adam were beautiful and took them as wives. There were giants in that time and sometime afterwards because the children of those unions grew big and strong, just like how breeding lions and tigers produce really big cats because the alleles that check growth cancel out. Eventually humanity out bred and assimilated all the other people but this made humanity's tendency to do evil dominant, thus the flood.
It fits in with the fossil record, which shows many other, older, variations of bipedal mammals that are similar to humans but are not linked to humans. Missing link? There is none. Some of them were out competed and died out, the rest of the bipeds interbred with Adam and Eve's kids and this lead to modern homo sapiens. Modern humans are now less susceptible to temptation than Adam and Eve because we have the originals made in God's image in our ancestry as well.
This Jesus character isn't going to stay dead long.
Now, don't spoil anything for me, I'm only about halfway through the book, but he's just way too important to stay dead. I give him three days, tops.
God is worshipping us.
He created an entire universe just for us? Before we were even born yet? You can't get a more dedicated follower than that. Sure he throws a hurricane at us every now and then, but that's only when he gets mad and questions his faith in us.
Satan is mindless.
If Satan supposedly has power equal to God, it would make a lot of sense if he was God's polar opposite. God is a creative, vast intelligence, where as Satan is utterly mindless destruction. Satan's supposed intelligence is a ruse.
When Lucifer became Satan and gained power to rival God, his mind was unable to take it, and was thus completely shredded. Now he sits swirling in the darkest pit of Hell, radiating waves of evil into the universe and babbling nonsensically. He's the Blind Idiot Devil.
Alternatively, Satan is slowly becoming more and more intelligent, while God is becoming less intelligent.
This explains why there aren't large scale miracles anymore, for God will be reduced to gibbering madness if he does them more.
Alternatively, both God and Satan are becoming less intelligent, while Jesus and Mankind are becoming more intelligent.
Well, what explains science.
The current version of the Book of Daniel isn't quite correct
In the last 50 years or so, the majority of the evangelical community has declared the Book of Daniel to basically be propaganda written during the Roman occupation of Israel. There's still a minority who believes that everything in the Book of Daniel is true. I'm taking a third option. Daniel 12:9 says that the book is to be closed up until the end of time, right? So, somehow some information on the book, or on Daniel's experiences, got out before the book was sealed. Then, some guy circa 200 BC decides to write some anti-Roman propaganda and he decides to make what is essentially a Fan Fic out of the story of Daniel, which becomes Word of Dante. God decides to put it in the Bible for...undiscernable reasons a la Job. Once the end times start approaching, we'll find the real version of the Book of Daniel.
God was originally a superintelligent being that broke the light speed barrier without the use of hyperspace or warp drives.
Among other things, two of the changes that occur as an entity approaches the speed of light is that it increases in length, and that time dialates, essentially making their perception of time slower, causing them to see external events sped up. Thhe speed of light is determined to be when the factors for each "infinity."
Since theoretically, one could not progress past infinity, ones speed would be limited as well.
God might have broken the barrier, causing him to permeate all time and space in his universe, which essentially erased his begining and end of existence. Because he now exists in all time simultaneously, he used his omnipresence to alter the natural formation of the universe that eventually birthed him, in order to make his own universe.
"Spiritual" locations such as heaven and cursed places "hell, hades, pergatory, etc." are sealed in dimensional pockets inobservable and inaccesible from the physical world without authorization. Hell in particular being sealed off in a way so that God can avoid permeating there. "Spiritual" beings "angelics, demons, fallen spirits, etc." are formless conciousnesses programmed into spacetime that are given the ability to assume either a single form or multible forms, or no form at all.
Abraham was hard of hearing
God told him to sanctify his son. Good thing he caught him at the last second with that BS about a Secret Test of Character.
Again, as pointed out above, the Bible was not written in English. That goes for the "celebrate" joke as well. At least this one is grammatically correct.
Satan wrote the Book of Job as anti-God propoganda
It makes God look really mean, and Satan look like a guy just loyally carrying out orders. It backfired.
The Bible is real, what Science tells you is wrong.
The Bible once contained a form of magic, that was corrupted by both Science and Fundamentalism
Think about it. The Bible is written in such a Mind Screw-y manner. The reason God existed in the distant past is because they just read The Bible in a way that they just went with the phenomenal cosmic powers of Mind Screw. Both Fundamentalists and Atheist Scientists made the biggest mistake: interpreting the Bible literally and coldly. Because The Bible was contained inside the totalitarian laws of Science and Morality, its Mind Screw energies were lost and froze into well, science and morality.
Jesus is the Anti-Christ
The entire New Testament, as well as all of Christianity, is a lie.
If Jesus is Satan, and Satan let himself be hated by the entire world for our sins, then Jesus is Lelouch Lamperouge
Because, why not. Lelouch gave us a common messiah and a common enemy so that our world be in peace, but the Corrupt Church that is The High Lords of Terra, I mean, Medieval Roman Catholicism perverted the message to create a Big Brother Is Watching hellhole. Heck, in a more imaginative WMG: The Bible is just an alternate Code Geass universe. Naturally God is the Emperor. The rest of the Britannian Aristocracy forms the Council of Angels, and the children of the Emperor have the roles of the archangels. Lelouch himself is Lucifer (as said in the title, and in the series he even admitted that he could be a Demon), but this time, the Oedipal Rebellion is not just pure egotism, but noticing how much of a totalitarian God is. Thus, he is banished to Hell (Area 11). He gains the power of Geass through contract (The Tree of Knowledge), meets with the Japanese (Adam and Eve) and gives them the power to rebel against The Emperor. Of course, he created an alternate persona, the Dark Messiah Zero. A lot of differences between the Code Geass universe and The Bible might ensue, like how there are many differences between the original universe and Code Geass: Nightmare of Nunnally, and "Jesus" in the story might have been a fusion of messianic figures like Zero with pacifistic figures like Nunnally and Euphemia, who might have succeeded with their plans for peace.
The Forbidden Fruit thing was a test. We passed.
And... what is the reward? Will there be further tests?
God is Jigsaw
The entire Tree of Knowledge itself was a giant Jigsaw trap: it was a game to get us out of the hedonism of Eden and allow us to become entities of learning, more importantly learning a lesson on life. After this test, God puts more and more tests on the rest of humanity, to decide who truly deserves "eternal life" and leave those "unexamined lives which are not worth living" to die.
Hasatan, or "the satan" is a title, and the devil was merely the first one to hold it ]
Satan was created specifically for the role of God's prosecutor (hence his keeping the name), but couldn't psychologically cope with holding it for too long; he went nuts and rebelled. Still needing someone to fill the job, but not wanting to make another angel specifically for the purpose for fear that holding it too long would prove to have a corruptive effect again, he made it into a job title, hence the definitive article. Satan-ing since then has been handed around from angel to angel on some sort of electory or lottery system designed to ensure that nobody holds it for too long. The Hasatans that appear in the Old Testament are actually just regular God-obeying angels on satan-duty, with the original fallen one not showing up in the actual text under that name until Revelations. This is why there's so much confusion over if Satan is for or against God- there's one against Him, and a rotating position for His servants using the same name.
The Bible takes place in the Warhammer 40k universe
It's pretty clear, considering the fact that Jesus is the God-Emperor of Mankind and the Warp is Hell.
God is Big Brother. And he's always watching you. He always loves you, and if you don't he's going to send you to Hell.
Jesus is the Mary Sue
Idealized rendering of humanity? Check. Reality Warper? Check. Descended from a celestial power? Check. Perfect? Double check. He's not hated by the Real Life fandom since Jesus is a character in that realm.
Jesus could have defeated Dio Brando if they fought.
John 16:33: "... But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Cain was the world's first emo.
Instead of cutting himself, though, he cut his brother. And the rest is history.
Cain's killing of Abel was a sacrifice.
Posited in The Book Of Nod.
Sending sinners and people using free will to Hell was God's greatest mistake.
Some possible explanations. Jesus might have realized the actual humanity is, in fact, versions of himself but in Hell, and he sends himself into Hell, violating and destroying the doctrine of Christianity and God along with it. Or, through free will humanity has evolved, and achieved a state that can rival God and the angels, and also is the single force keeping the universe from becoming boring, and because God exiled those people down to the abyss, they took advantage of that and became uncontrollable Eldritch Abominations themselves, piercing the heavens and taking God's place in the universe (although that sounds a lot like a crossover between Neon Genesis Evangelion and Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann though). Or, Hell, becomes A Hell of a Time and is revealed to be even more awesome than Heaven (ala Nordic Valhalla). There could be other ideas and of course, Your Mileage May Vary.
God foresaw the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and he saw that it was absurd.
And lo, did he say "thou shalt have no strange gods before me," and lo, did he say "no buttsects," to ban the bulbous meatball-cheeks of the monster, and its hanging noodly appendage[s], and lo, did he say not to partake of the shellfish, for everyone knows that pasta marinara is delicious with shrimp. BUT the prophets mis-heard, for they wanted pomp, and they wanted gravitas, and the Hovercraft became full of Eels, for even the perfectly ordinary gods were looked down upon by the Chosen people of He Who Am, and men were forbidden to lie with men, and eventually women with women, AND the Flying Spaghetti Monster doth recieve worship even to this day!
The Reapers clashed with and copied from YHWH.
In Judges 14:19 it is said that "Then the Spirit of the LORD ASSUMED DIRECT CONTROL, I mean, came upon [Samson] in power." It's not the only time you see it, either.
There is no God
Then you'll see it isn't God who warps reality, it is only yourself... but then you'll see you are in fact Jesus Christ.
Dragons are actually the shape angels assume after falling
It is never specified whereas Satan had shape shifted into a dragon or if he was permanently in that form. If so, its a huge improvement, since biblical angels are supposed to be quite terrifying.
Heaven isn't real, and there is only Hell
We all know this is depressing, but there is an explanation. The reason why Christians can go through the hardships of both Hell and Earth is because of their faith and the nature of ignorance being bliss and strength. After all, bliss can be another term for Heaven, and bliss can be another term for Ignorance.
Ultimately, all life goes to that one afterlife called Hell. Everyone sinned, all humans sin (Original Sin), Nature sins (carnivores, natural disasters, etc), Heck, even God sins (The mass genocide of humanity in the time of Noah, his sacrifice of his own Son, scaring people with Disproportionate Retribution). Those who experience the most pain are the materialists and people who are too aware of their surroundings, since they feel the obvious and visible pain that is Hell. However, there is a strange circle in Hell where some people we can recognize from Real Life are having dinner with someone who looks like he was brutally scourged, and they seem to ignore the pains of the Afterlife. Upon closer look, we realize that this person having supper in Hell is actually Jesus Christ himself, who helps the Christian faithful ignore the pains of Hell and live in happiness through friendship and faith in Him.
This could be the message Christianity is telling us all along. Because everything that exists since the creation of the Tree of Knowledge is sin, everything must go to Hell, and there is no escape. However, in Hell, there is still a choice: Either the person can remain aware but must experience the full agony of fire, brimstone and existential angst, or he can experience the full agony but can deny and ignore it through faith in Jesus, or any other religion the tormented sees fit for him / her, gaining bliss and the feeling of heaven (or nirvana) in the process. An analogy is Warhammer 40,000: The entire galaxy is a hell which will make you shit in terror, and it has a Hell, yet Space Marines can walk through it without fear because of their faith in the God Emperor (who might be Jesus himself, but that's another WMG). In other words, You Are Worth Hell.
God was breeding a race of super- masochists.
Hence why Jesus accepted the Crucifixion, the most painful punishment at that time, but also the ancient equivalent of modern bdsm as we know it (seriously, whip that resemble a cat-o-nine tails, public humiliation, crucifixion where the victim's posture is too vulnerable, public humiliation, this time with clothes stripped off, you know the story).
Jesus Died For Your Sins, and if you don't accept him, you will die for your sins.
Hence why in the modern secular world, Everybody Is Jesus in Purgatory.
Well, if everybody is, then so by definition is He, especially since they're both supposed to be kinda-sorta the same person anyway. This also nicely explains why He hasn't actually, you know, spoken to anybody in a good long while.
The Bible is one massive troll-fic
The entire universe is a giant series of novels by God,who is a famous author.Satan was hired to make an abridged version of it,but came out with the Bible instead.Why?For the lulz
Jesus was a Jedi
Just think about it. Jesus walked on water. Jedi can levitate stuff. Jesus used his Force-powers to "walk" on water when he was really hovering slightly above it. Jesus turned water into wine? He used the Jedi Mind Trick to make people believe that the water he had (which no-one saw he put food coloring into it) was wine. He healed the sick? Jedi have this power. Even his resurrection can be explained as his body dissolving into the Force, his Force Ghost appearing in front of people and his ascension into Heaven as becoming one with the Force. The celibacy of the Catholic Church was inspired by his Jedi teachings
"God" is actually a job.
God,as we know him,is merely one individual in a dimension which is so advanced they create universes for profit. God just happens to not be as skilled as some of his other coworkers,and that is why there is imperfection.Satan is an excuse to cover his ass
Satan is a Well-Intentioned Extremist,and so is God.
God believes the only way to keep peace and decency in the universe is to keep it in a state of unchanging order.That's why he forbid Adam and Eve from eating fruit that belongs to the Tree of Knowledge.It's also why he created heaven.Satan believes that man should be free to make their own descisions,and not be bossed around.That is why he caused the "Fall of Man",it was to give them freedom from God.Revelations is a propaganda by the angels to make Satan seem like the Ultimate Evil,while demons use Fundamentalists as propaganda so people think God Is Evil.In summary,God is on the positive side of Lawful Neutral,and Satan is on the positive side of Chaotic Neutral
Both God and Satan are Well Intentioned Extremists.
Both want the best for mankind,however they have different ways of approaching this.God sees himself(or itself) as Lawful Good, and believes worship and obedience will curb mankind's violent tendencies. Satan sees himself(or herself,or itself) as Chaotic Good, and wants to free man from God's control so man can decide their own fate. It's essentially Order versus Chaos.
The serpent in the Garden of Eve was the origin of Satan's beliefs.The reason God doesn't just destroy Satan is it would be cheating.God isn't above using propaganda though:The New Testament is an example.
Jesus is a Time Lord.
Well duh
You don't have to be religious to go to Heaven.
When Jesus said you have to believe in him to reach the Kingdom of God,he wasn't being literal.He was referring to himself in a metaphorical sense.And since Jesus is suppose to represent empathy(treat your neighbour as you'd wish to be treated) and compassion(turn the other cheek),you have to believe and follow those principles to reach Paradise.This means that people like Albert Einstein and Mahatma Gandhi will reach Heaven(even though they aren't Christian,or particularly religious) while Pat Robertson is damned to Hell(he is Christian,but doesn't believe in the Christian message of love thy neighbour).
We are in Hell.
Judgement Day already arrived,and we are descended from the sinners that were cast into Hell.Only Hell isn't a fiery place of torment,but a seperation from God. And there is no miracles and little evidence for God as a result
The Mormons Are Right.
Besides having a generally nicer gospel (even if you were a horrible jerk in life you still get a mansion in heaven that is better than anything on the Earth right now), some of their edits actually make sense. I may be biased as a Mormon, of course.
The Song of Songs/Solomon is just a random person's self-insert fic.
Besides it reading kind of like one, I just think it would be really funny if true.
God is evil, Satan is also evil
But Jesus is a pretty cool guy who wants to become an hero and stop his dad.
When people speak in tongues, they aren't actually saying anything useful; their mouths are just having seizures.
That's right! Epileptic Tongues!
The Bible was written so that people would misinterpret it and come up with insane theories.
You know, like the people on this page.
The Beast of Revelations is a metaphor for mob mentality.
There is literally no chance of the entire human race worshiping a single entity any time soon, regardless of who or what. But every day we hear about more and more people acting like fanatical nutjobs for no real reason. If God were to begin the apocalypse because of a specific mindset that had befallen every human being alive, which we refused to snap out of even when threatened with the very real prospect of total annihilation, what other explanation is there other than us having gone completely nucking futs?
Expanding on this, it is possible to determine that the Antichrist is some sort of fear-monger with a lot of weight behind his or her words. Therefore, this troper has narrowed down the identity of the Antichrist to either Glenn Beck, Fox News as a whole, or his personal favorite, Stephen Colbert after Becoming the Mask at his March to Keep Fear Alive.
God is Joss Whedon
And the fallen angels mutate into the Epileptic Trees after being banished into that island where they are punished (or powered) by tropes forever and ever. Well, what explains the trope called Word Of God?
Hell is in fact, /b/
He who goeth to /b/ shall go mad from the sinfulness. Beneath this fiery lake of immorality is Anonymous, The Legions Of Hell which is waiting to be unleasheth for the end of times (and your reputation).
God is a Fallen Angel
God and the rest of the Canaanite pantheon were angels. However, Yahweh rebelled against the true god, Brahman / The Collective Unconscious, and was punished. However, he managed to take refuge in the Middle East where he started his religion of Judaism. As time went on, he decided to make himself the only god which is why the bible says that he is the only one.
God isn't against euthanasia, suicide by mental illness, etc
Because, after all, "Love thy Neighbour". If you really love you neighbour you have to let him / her go.
The Bible is a metaphor for psychoanalysis
If you think of your mind as the world of The Bible while in a couch, it kinda reveals itself. Of course This is Wild Mass Guessing. For example:
Dogma is the real interpretation of the Bible.
Whenever the Bible talks about eternal life, they don't necessarily mean personal immortality
They talk about SPIRIT. Not immortality for your personal brain, but simply eternal collective, simple hope that the faithful generate. Alone, individuals always end up dead. But when a person enters this collective spirit through hope and faith, he becomes assimilated and experiences the feeling of timelessness / nirvana / eternity / what-have-you. Well, us tropers should know the trope Who Wants to Live Forever?, a trope that portrays immortality as a Fate Worse than Death identical to And I Must Scream. Seriously, someone merciful will not impose Who Wants to Live Forever? on his subjects, unless he wants somebody to share his misery with (which is why Jesus was here in the first place). We might be uncertain whether this God might even exist, maybe he went Eldritch Abomination because of his immortality, or whether he is simply an Anthropomorphic Personification for collective hope. It does make some sense, since the hopeful die in bliss, while the guilty, unless they repent, die while being consumed by the dark whirlpooling eternal damnation vortex of Despair Event Horizon....
Jesus, being a divine being, takes A Form You Are Comfortable With
When you see all the European Jesus pictures being white, the East Asian ones looking East Asian, etc., it has nothing whatsoever to do with the illustrators being biased towards their own ethnicity, it simply reflects the fact that, if Jesus were to visit these various groups of people, he would simply take an appearance resembling the particular types of people he is in. (I'm kind of fluctuating between serious and sarcastic for this guess, it does seem to have some actual points going for it.)
There were actually several "Noahs", probably thousands or perhaps even more
Obviously, a single ark as described in the current story wouldn't have been able to carry anywhere close to the required animals in the world, not to mention plants, soil fungi, soil bacteria, possibly freshwater fish (If the waters during the flood were able to mix well, this would be a saltwater flood, although I don't know a lot about how large water bodies work, and how quickly this would take place) etc. Instead, a large number of arks were used, (thousands, hundreds of thousands, I'm not sure how many would be needed.), however, to cover the world as much as possible to ensure that all the current animals were covered, these "Noah's" were spread out as much as possible from each other, and to encourage them to do the work properly, were all told that they would be the only survivors. As the Noah's resettled, and repopulated the dry land, they were sufficiently spread out to not come into contact with each other, and since their descendants had room to spread out, they would not be surprised to meet strangers who also claimed descent from a single survivor, and would not ask enough questions to realize there were still several survivors. As a result, the "single Noah builds ark" story survived.
(Which still leaves all the other issues with a literal flood in place, but is hopefully entertaining to read, at least.)
God's omnipotence and omniscience are simple Fanon.
Think about it. The Bible credits God with a number of amazing feats, creating Heaven and Earth in the first place not the least among them. Yet — everything He is shown to do is quite achievable with sufficiently large yet still limited amounts of power and knowledge. On the other hand, a truly all-powerful and all-knowing entity would be able to deal with upcoming problems in ways that He is never actually shown to employ. Ergo...?
(Never mind that as the book progresses, God's actual power does in fact seem to decline over time as though he'd already expended most of what he had on the big showy stuff early on.)
Yahweh is a renegade member of the Egyptian Pantheon.
He either thought he could run the world better,or just had a big ego.So he began a Batman Gambit by creating Adam and Eve in an uncharted area,so that they and their descendants would have no idea about the other gods.Eventually Abraham came along,and Judaism with it.Ultimately,as Gods Need Prayer Badly,the loss of worshippers destroyed the other deities.
The Final Judgement is a metaphor for domestication.
The submissive people who are going to the Kingdom of Heaven? They're the pacified domesticated animals, livestock, pets, sheep. Well Jesus openly called his followers "sheep" (John 10:11, although he masked it by saying he lays his life for the sheep) and we all know, sheep are metaphor for totalitarianism, religious fervor and mob mentality! The domesticated animals / inhabitants of Heaven will be pacified and remain submissive to God while God takes care of them or probably eats them ala Cthulhu. The Crusaders and religious militants are the sheepdogs. Just look at Christian dogma, it seems like it wants us to become God's pets, forcing us into an Orwellian existence of eternal submission. Meanwhile, the sinners who are going to Hell are the wild animals. Hell isn't necessarily a place of eternal punishment, it's actually a place where the disobedient and heretical are dumped, "Survival of the Fittest" is in full effect, and it's a place of eternal chaos and wildness, and the wildness itself is the punishment (explains why Hell Is Other People, Hell is "Eternal Separation", Hell Is War, why Hell is such a Wretched Hive with A Hell of a Time, and so on). Hence why Christianity condemns the Id, the animal part of us which like sex, violence, chaos, pleasure and war. Who knows, maybe the Lake of Fire describes the temperatures of the stereotypical wild place, Africa.
The Old Testament Israelites should have established a republic
(This would be the "Exodus through Kings" period Isealites.)
Its clear in judges that without a strong government, the israelite's success (whether at following god, or in other areas) is spotty at best. However, the Kings don't do too well either, as the israelite's success is too dependent on one person's actions. Obviously, the Israelites needed to set up some sort of government where laws themselves are held to be the most important part of the government, and one where a single person couldn't have had much influence on how the country was run (religiously or otherwise). A Theocracy type government is out, (I think I remember that there were some instructions during the Moses part of the story against this, but may just be imagining things), but a Republic like government does fit the bill somewhat.
Fundamentalists and creationists are the propaganda of Satan.
The creationists are scientificially illiterate, and the fundamentalists paint God as a Complete Monster. This is all an Evil Plan by Satan to get people to either hate or not believe in God by making it seem God Is Illogical. That way he can use it to his advantage in Armageddon
Something happened.Maybe it was an(other) Eldritch Abomination,or he simply killed himself, or he heeded prayer baWhen this occured,a new god arose to took control-science.This is why the universe is vastly different from how the Bible described it:most of reality was ret-gonned to fit the God of Science.
God has a Blue and Orange Morality.
It's why he varies so much between God Is Good and God Is Evil.Its why He claims and even seems to be moral,and at the same time dispensing disproportionate retributions:his mind is so alien that what He considers "good" and "evil" are His moral concepts,not our own.Considering that He's an Eldritch Abomination and a Time Abyss,it would suit Him very well.
Judaism is the one true religion and in the future everyone will convert to Judaism
All you need to do is read the messanic prophecies in the Tankah.
God is a Universal Frat Boy
He was playing a prank on Abraham when he told him to sacrifice his son, but chickened out before the end.
The other smitings can be explained by this too.
The Egyptian Pantheon Caused the 10 plagues, or most of them
The Bible says yahweh did them, but yahweh likes to take credit for things he didn't do. We know that each of the plagues reresent one of the Egyptian Gods, which has mistakenly been taken as a Take That or Our Gods Are Greater when actually the Egyptian God were pissed at Pharoh and the other Egyptians that were abusing the Hebrews. Yahweh struck a deal with them to let his people go, and you know the rest of the story.
The Battle Between God and Satan is just an obscenely elaborate and drawn-out WWE plotline
I mean, if God is the all-powerful creator of the universe, then how exactly is Satan supposed to be a propper threat to him? Answer: he's not. He's just been allowed to run loose, pummeling weaker opponents in order to build up a reputation of epic badassery so that The Final Battle will seem like a big hairy deal. Once things finally do down between The Man Upstairs and The Prince of Lies, God is just going to have Satan take a dive. Why? Because God loves to showboat and will jump on any chance to look cool, which is why he keeps Satan around in the first place: he's the ugly chick God stands next to in order to look sexier. Of course, billions will die horribly during this One Night Only Battle To The Death, but at least the special effects should be cool.
God is bored
Knowing and being able to do everything would REALLY suck if you think about it, you would know every plot and not be able to challenged. As such God, in an attempt to be less bored, spends his time creating stuff or watching humans, who, due to their freewill, he can only make reasonable guesses as to what they will do next.
Heaven is located on the Sun.
Think about it. Heaven is supposed to be this beautiful, golden place in the sky, but humans can't get to it, only the dead. The sun is huge and golden, and if humans tried to get to it, they'd be incinerated! (This is totally my sister's theory, I'm just posting it.)
The Verse in the Bible is not ours.
It's a proto-type-one of the many universes YHWH has created over time.After the end of Revelations,God got bored,and so did His people.So He decided to create a new universe,but this time He'd sit back and watch.The Bible is a copy of His early works,distributed to us-and we assumed it referred to ours.
Revelation is a ploy to prevent the end of the world
In the actual gospel books, it is said a few times that the end of the world will come when no one expects it. Revelation, however, provides a bunch of signs of the world ending, which means people will be expecting it. As a result of these conditions, the end of the world cannot occur as long as anyone believes and looks for the events of revelation.
Revelation is a letter of encouragement to believers suffering under the cruel reign of Domitian, and is largely symbolic
The imagery in this book is so bizarre and random, in comparison to other more straightforward Biblical metaphors. The meaning of this book is largely open to debate. This book has spawned stupid amount of panic and superstition, and resulted in crazy beliefs like the Rapture, which overall has left Christianity worse off.
The Nephilim founded the Norse and Egyptian (and maybe the Greek or others) religions and played at being gods
The Nephilim were.... well reports vary from ancient giants, the offspring of fallen angels and man, or just fallen angels. They were described as giants, and they supposedly knew magic, and were sometimes described as having animal heads (like the Egyptian gods), and would probably enjoy making humans worship them. This could also explain the prominence of giants, the lack of women (many reports suggest the Nephilim were all male), and why the Norse have a place with a similar name to creatures in a seemingly unrelated book. I thought I was the first person to make the link, but I'm apparently not [3].
Even if this theory is utterly stupid, it would make good story material, no? And if it's somehow true, it gives the Bible a rather interesting link to history......
God is a survivor of Ragnarok.
It was established that Norse Mythology was a precursor to The Bible. In this way, God(or YHWH, to be more accurate) may have been a deity from the Norse pantheon-one that was very obscure. Unlike the other gods, YHWH actively tried to hide from Ragnarok, knowing it would kill Him. After Ragnarok, He used the oppurtunity to rebuild the world, via scavenging the remains of the old Norse gods. This led him to become the powerful Eldritch Abomination billions worship nowadays.
The reason He claims he is the one and only god is because they're no longer there. The Verse of the Bible is essentially a second attempt at running the world. Going by this, Satan/the Serpent could be a reincarnation of Loki. Both are affable troublemakers, depending how you see them. However they both become enormous threats, related to the end of the world.
The Israelites who left Egypt were a group of Engineers with advanced technology
The actual Exodus story goes as follows:
Israelites are settled in Egypt, increase in numbers. While living there, they develop a number of new technologies and become skilled engineers, helping to organize the construction of many cities. However, the pharaoh grew scared of this new technology and power, and decided to enslave the Israelites. Time goes on, Moses appears, decides to lead the Israelites from Egypt. The Pharaoh doesn't want to let the Israelites go, out of few of loosing their skills to an enemy, plus general pride and desire to maintain power. The Israelites use their engineering skills to sabotage several egyptian public works projects (Sewer systems, irrigation works, etc.), some of which they likely helped build, causing problems that lead to the ten plagues.
Eventually, the destruction convinces the pharaoh to let the Israelites leave, but he than changes his mind and decides to chase them. The Israelites, either guessing this would occur, or learning of it, decide to trap and destroy the pharaoh's army, to save future trouble for themselves. To do this, they dam the Red Sea, and pump the water out, setting up a corridor of dry land to travel through. As the Egyptian army approached, the Israelites had a large chunk of their population start on the egyptian side of the cleared red sea, than walk across to tempt the Egyptians. Once clear, the Israelites blew up the dams, and stopped the pumps, drowing the army.
They than spent several years in the desert, before being able to actually conquer Canaan. during this time, they weren't able to use their engineering skills much, but still taught them. When they started their first conquest at Jericho, they snuck close to the walls over several nights, planting explosives, than, when ready, detonated the explosives and destroyed the walls, making the city much easier to conquer. The Israelites than went on to conquer more of Canaan, destroying many of the cities.
However, during the time of Judges, the Israelite organization disintegrated, and they lost much of their engineering skill and technology. As a result, they did not understand how the major events of the escape from Egypt occurred without divine intervention, and changed the stories accordingly. This explains why the miracles seem to largely taper off after these stories, and would also explain some of the UFO consiracy oddities of Egyptian monuments, which were presumably added by the Israelites for some reason or other.
The Angels, Devils and Squid trope truly describes reality.
God is the name of an advanced weaponry scientist, humans were built to combat races like the one God comes from
We're a biological weapon, with freedom of thought and understanding of war. What could be more perfect? We adapt quickly, we advance quickly, and no matter what odds are we find a way to survive and spread out.
John was freaked out when Jesus appeared in Revelation, but not for the obvious reasons...
"In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. ... Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last." Revelation 1:16-17 (Bold by Troper)
How did Jesus say that with a sword sticking out of his mouth? Stick two fingers in your mouth and say "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last". Go ahead.
God is a narcissist.
Why else would he describe himself as perfect in every way?
All gods and goddesses of all religions exist.
Even the ancient Egyptian and ancient Greek/Roman gods. All the gods of all religions are related— cousins, siblings, who knows— and co-run the world. After a while, the Greek/Roman gods and Egyptian gods decided to retire, handing the job over to their younger fellow gods— God Himself among them.
God is a girl.
Women give birth, God created the earth, it makes a lot more sense when you think about it.
God was a pantheon(s) before, but merged into 1 being once belief systems changed.
As mentioned above, in the original, it was Ra who hardened the Pharaoh's heart, but it was translated to god. Also, what do depictions of Zeus and the Lord have in common? What does 'Zeus' mean in Greek? When gods lose all their followers, it could be because their followers worship someone else, meaning that the worshiped one absorbed them.
The "apocalypse"/"end of Days"/etc. was the early/middle 20th Century
Many of the prophet books describing the Babylonian period seem to describe the idea of the exiles coming back, the Kingdom being reestablished, etc. This obviously didn't work out exactly as expected, with the Temple getting rebuilt, the various priests and other exiles coming back, but under the control of larger empires, and some other minor details not quite fitting.
In this WMG, a similar thing occurs with the later apocalyptic type expectations. There were large world wars, often involving ideological battles that more resemble good vs. evil type fighting more than other types of wars, Israel got founded again, our world reaching a One World Order state, etc. However, there were no resurrections, nothing else mystical happening, no Kingship, and just like the first sety of prophecies, a new series of conflicts and issues appeared after the events took place.
Creationism is true in some form.
Because if God is omnipotent, he can create the world however the hell he wants to create it.
The Bible doesn't really exist.
...but I don't honestly know how that works out. I'm just putting it out there because all the more elaborate theories have been taken.
God is a sadistic mass murderer
God is a Knight Templar.
It explains so much.
God is kinda lazy.
He has a remote control to control whatever goes on down here. Now, when it comes to Noah's ark, He could've easily just gone down there and told people to shape up or else. But no, he was to lazy, so he just went, "Hmm, better fix this. FLOOD POWER! Yeah! Oh, wait, that guy and his family over there are actually being good. Meh, I guess I'll let 'em live. ...shit. They're gonna need animals. Um... HEY! NOAH! TAKE TWO OF EACH ANIMAL, OKAY? OKAY!"
God wants people to stand up to Him whenever He's about to do something drastic.
God has been willing to negotiate and even back down when about to indulge those genocidal urges. With Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham tried to get God to not smite the cities if He could find 10 worthy individuals in the cities, and Abraham negotiated that down from 50. God was going to smite the Israelites until Moses asked Him to stop. Maybe God wouldn't be so excessive if people said "Get a hold of Yourself!" when about to flip out (and not try to go behind God's back, because that tends to end poorly).
Many churches denies the existence of the Desposyni (siblings of Jesus) to protect their descendants.
The bible has stated in Mark 6:3 and Matthew 13:55-56 that Jesus had blood siblings but the many churches deny their existence. The truth is that they forced themselves to go against the scriptures and even created the doctrine of Mary's perpetual virginity to hide the descendants. This was done so that bloodline of Jesus would live on.
The planet Venus is Satan/Hell.
Venus is the Morning Star, which is what Satan was described as. Much like Venus, Satan(with a few exceptions) is deceptively beautiful. Being an angel, Satan's true form would be pretty damn weird, so he could easily be one big planet. The fact that Venus gets the closest to us represents his corruptive nature. Hell is also Venus-the planet has been compared to Hell, and it's the biggest Death World in the Solar System. Venus' opposite orbit is symbolic of Satan being against the order God has established.
The other planets are angels and demons respectively. Their alignments?
God is the Anti-Azathoth.
Both God and Azathoth are responsible for creating the universe. They're both one of the biggest example of the Eldritch Abomination trope, period. The difference between the two? God is The Omniscient, while Azathoth is mindless. God is the Mirror Universe Azathoth, what would happen if the big A was given a mind. In fact, the entire setting of the Bible is a Mirror Universe of the Cthulhu Mythos: the Bible is seen as a place where humans matter and good and evil are laid out, and the Cthulhu Mythos is seen as a place where human are as insignifcant as they are in real life and good and evil are alien concepts.
God is a child of the Cthulhu Mythos
Specifically, God is the lovechild/merger between Azathoth, Yog-Sothoth and Shub-Niggurath. He inherited Azathoth's power, but developed a sentience from the other Outer Gods. Because of this, He could use Azathoth's might to be The Omnipotent, and Yog-Sothoth's prescene gave Him the ability to be everywhere inside and out of reality. Because of this and His omnipotence, He gained omniscence. His helping of his chosen people relates to Shub-Niggurath's Affably Evil nature.
One person can repent for the sin of suicide, and maybe already has:
Judas, assuming he is the Wandering Jew.
Why Satan fell.
In the beginning, YHWH created the Heavens and the Earth. The serpent, who was not Satan, decided to tempt Adam and Eve. The result was knowledge, yet with knowledge came sin. At first, YHWH decided to take it upon Himself to deal with this. Prior to Satan, he used angels to take care of this. But the angels "knew" the humans, which led us to the story of Noah's Ark. So YHWH started again, creating a judge of humanity: Lucifer/Satan/the Accuser. At first, it was good. However, over the centuries, Satan became tired of the sin of humanity. He had gained a solid Humans Are Bastards mentality.
The Book of Job shows this. It was Satan's desperate attempt to show that humans were sycophants to YHWH, however Job still retained faith. Angered by this, Satan would continue to try and prove his philosophy. Eventually YHWH came to the realisation that, because of His punishments, He and Satan were Not so Different. Thus, Satan fell. To ensure something like Satan could never happen again, God made it his mission to understand humanity: hence Jesus.
Being a Knight Templar, Satan felt that something was wrong with YHWH's judgement. It is for this reason that he tempted Jesus himself. It didn't work out. In order to be more distant from Satan, YHWH gave us fake origins: that he was the serpent and Ultimate Evil. This would've been a total Ironic Hell for Satan. By the point of Revelations, Satan has become a Misanthrope Supreme: controlling and condemning humanity to a Fate Worse than Death because, frankly, he thinks we deserve it.
The entirety of God's appearances/non appearances are part of a Xanatos Gambit for humanity's maturation
This is why He showed himself as a vengeful god to the early humanity and as a caring loving god from the new testament onward (if the bible is to be believed to the word), until humanity outgrew the need of a god. So in fact, the fact that people can't prove He exists or doesn't exist, is all done in purpose. If you believe in Him, great, listen to what He has to say, but atheists can mature too. In summary: He fit the image of a father figure until humanity "grew".
'God' is actually an impostor being.
There are certain texts (I think the Gospel of John and Gnosticism) that claim YHWH is actually Yaldabaoth, a being created by a female Divine, Sophia. However, she realised that he was a clearly mad Eldritch Abomination. Despite this, he has managed to avoid destruction, creating us in the process. The result is that we are imperfect beings, created by an imperfect being who lies and deceives us in his madness and delusion, blinding us to the truth of the universe.
Reality is a Computer program, God is the designer/game master.
This explains everything. It's why there is basically nothing else in the universe (he only focused on one planet), it's why all the physics and biology is "just right", its how evolution happened (he coded it to be "scientific" as he rightly expected to populate the planet with people). The Six Days it took for genesis means it took him six days to enter the code and on the seventh day, he was overworked and rested for it. His Ultimate Goal is to basically turn the program into a self sustaining ecosystem that worships him on their own free will. Things like Sodom, the plagues, the flood, etc are all basically cheat spawn codes. He also talks to people early on just to give them a bit of guidance in the right direction. Jesus is him creating an AI representation of him that has the "goodness" stat hacked up to 100%. Jesus's death was a sign to god that humans were ready to live on their own now and that he wouldnt interfere anymore (though occassionally when bored, he will spawn a miracle or a disaster that he knows people will credit to him). He won't just listen to everybody's prayers though, its simply if he is watching the program, he may spawn something if he feels bored.
Hell is basically the garbage file folder where all the failed people in the program go because they didnt succeed in his eyes. Heaven is basically giving someone their own mini program where they can have eternal bliss and cross game chat with other dead heaven buddies. The Rapture is also his way of formatting the program when he feels that humanity can't evolve any more and so he will just move the worthy into their heaven program and just let the garbage file folder merge with the main program which will mean the earth will be full of glitches and errors and everyone left will just be screwed.
Also, not a literal "computer" program where god is some dude with a bunch of file servers. But a metaphorical one where god is really a nameless being that exists in a sense that is completely incomprehensible (he is, he has, he always will be. he is both a being and formless, both an individual and collective form of energy).
This is literally the ONLY way the bible, god, jesus, religion, etc can make pretty much perfect sense other than "basically none of it is real, it's just a non-fiction story based on some real events that were actually pretty boring" imo
God is just very lonely.
Think about it: the entire premise seems to be based off having a relationship with YHWH. One interpretation is that you can't go to Heaven unless you worship God. Prior to creating the universe, there wasn't anything but God. He basically spent eternity with nothing but a formless mess. This caused God to become incredibly lonely and desperate for friendship. That is the reason He wants people to worship Him:so that He has total companionship. The serpent thought mankind wouldn't want to be with a loner, and Satan just got sick of keeping Him happy.
The Bible Is a Cook Book
In the song Silent Night, Jesus is referred to as "Tender and Mild". During the Last Supper Jesus asks them to eat him. To this day we eat him.
God values free will above life
It is the only humanly conceivable way He could be omnibenevolent and omnipotent.He has said before that we will ressurect at the end of days,therefore we are eternal and death is not real.He used natural disasters because a complex universe could not exist without them(note1:they are all based on physic laws that do other useful,often vital things as well,note2:if they did not happen,human would eventually discover that they should happen,thus proving to himself that God exists,since he does not let them happen,and doing that would be like forcing people to follow him,thus denying him the free will of following him or not note3:making a less complex world would give to humen less space for exploration,therefore denying him his pontential).Evil is created as a sidefect of free will.God could not create it,but using logic laws,good should have an oposite,therefore not creating it would take free will away from humans.God does miracles only in front of believers,or people who asked sincerely and without evil intentions His help ,because since they know He exists andwant Him to help,it does not bypass their free will.Miracles diminished because less people did that(fanatics and people who do not understand the bible's teatchings do not really count as believers.You have to understand some things,not only believe)
To get into Heaven, you first have to go to Room 101.
Everyone who goes to Heaven fully loves God, right?
Satan's actual name.
As you may know, Satan isn't actually a name but rather a rank in Jewish beliefs. Given this, who might the Satan we're familiar too actually be?
Everyone in Heaven is high on drugs.
Hence why it's paradise up there. You can't make a perfect paradise without first getting rid of the flaws. Since free will causes both good and evil to exist, God decided to find a way that lets someone lack "evil" and still have free will: dope them up on a mystical drug keeping them complacent and in bliss. The Tree of Knowledge is the antidote, in case the trip went bad. Hell is a bad trip.
Angels are the deceased souls of earlier races God created in other universes or on other planets, and the deceased souls of humans will be angels for God for future races that he creates.
It would fit with a lot of things.
God was an old stlye planeswalker and Earth was his created plane.
Yahweh was not always a God of Good.
Okay, let's be honest with ourselfs, while we'd want to see an omnipotent being as perfectly good, it's not realistic. A timeless, spaceless and utterly unfathomable Eldritch Abomination could not naturally have any sense of human understanding, let alone human morality. Originally, before humanity gained proper self-awareness and the knowledge of good and evil, God was as unfathomable as something from the Cthulhu Mythos. Except for one vital fact: He is psychically connected to what He creates. The moment mankind gained true self-awareness, things go down the drain.
There's a reason why He was so paranoid about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It's because the moment we gained true awareness, it mindraped GOD Humanity desired for there to be a god embodying morality, and they got it. The God of the Bible is a split personality of the actual God influenced by another self-aware entity(namely, us). The reason for Values Dissonance is due to our morality being different back then: while we wish it weren't the case, there never was, and never shall be moral absolutes.
After mankind ended up driving God insane(by Eldritch Abomination standards, anyway), it desperately tried to follow their second command: give an explanation for sin. Satan was born soon after. Since good and evil are very powerful ideas, one could never vanquish the other. Then along came science. Science was God's true personality fighting back, trying to restore His mind. As well as moral relativism. You see, God's mindset can not only alter the world now, but completely rewrite history and reality as we know it. The reason for scientific innacuracies is due to a literal Retcon of creation by God's power.
As science and moral relativism grew popular, the "perfect good" personality and the "perfect evil" Devil weakened due to the lack of strong belief in a perfect deity and absolute morality. Fundamentalists, scientific repression and many major church officials, are a desperate(and probably unconscious) attempt to re-empower their God, and bring back reality to the former timeline. Oh, and Fred Phelps? He's using this on purpose to reduce the world into untold misery because he's the worst person ever.
"God" and the Devil are aware of this. Jesus was an attempt to enforce the idea of a God of Good, which the Devil used to enforce the power of sin. Even if they had their fullest power, the God of Good can't purge evil from the world since good needs to define itself by that, and vice versa. At this time, the (let's call them) Idea of Good and Idea of Evil are almost powerless due to a lack of them being needed, kept alive only by faith alone. They plan to survive in some form, perhaps as entities who exist on the internet.
The Prodigal Son is about Satan.
Satan finally comes home to God, who forgives him immediately because he loves his son and has a celebration in Heaven. The other son is Archangel Michael, who is still mad at Satan for betraying God and can't understand how he always followed God, and yet, God seems to be happy the traitor is back. God explains he loves Michael, but Satan had fallen but was now with them again. Satan and Michael make up and all is well.
Demons were behind the Arrest and Crucifixion of Jesus
During the trial that Jesus faced before his inevitable execution, Satan sends demons to take possession of nearly all the populous there. When Pilate asks which one that they wanted, they chose Barabbas. This would explain why the crowd that welcomed Jesus to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday suddenly turned on them. It also gives an explanation to why they chose a convicted murder rather than Christ, because demons spoke through the people like a ventriloquist dummy. Demons also took possession of the Romans that were crucifying Jesus, and through them, they gave him a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown by flagging, and then crucifying them. This would give the answer to why Jesus told His Father to forgive them for they didn't know what they were doing. When the crowd started to realize that He truly was God's Son, the demons left the bodies seemingly victorious.
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