When Lone Starr was trained by Yogurt on how to use the Schwartz. He practices by lifting the colossal Yogurt statue. Barf, amazed at this, asks Lone Starr how he did that, which distracted him and made him accidentally drop the statue on his buddy's foot, causing the Mog to start yelping in pain. Yogurt then takes the ring he gave Lone Star to use to train with and lifts the statue to free Barf. The Mog's foot was completely flattened.
Lone Starr: Sorry, Barf!
(Barf walks away, howling and moaning from the pain)
A trooper takes off Dot's batteries.
During Lone Starr and Dark Helmet's duel:
Dark Helmet: So Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because Good Is Dumb.
Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: When?!
Operator: 1900 hours, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet:WHOOOOOOOOO?!?! (mask on helmet slams down)
Plus, when they're getting the movie, they go over to a rack containing every previous Mel Brooks movie, lots of Friday the 13th films, and Rocky I through Rocky XIV.
Which sets up a subtle Brick Joke that pays off right after Pizza the Hutt's death is announced on the news. "Coming up next, Pongo's review of Rocky Five... Thousand."
And towards the start of the film, where Dark Helmet meets the extended Asshole family:
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner? Officer: I did, sir. He's my cousin. Dark Helmet: Who is he? Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir. Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name? Colonel Sandurz: That is his name. Asshole, Major Asshole. Dark Helmet: And his cousin? Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's Mate First Class Phillip Asshole. Dark Helmet: How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyway?! (Everyone else (but one) on the bridge stands up and waves) Assholes:Yo! Dark Helmet: I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes! (puts his visor back down) Keep firing, Assholes!
Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed! Dark Helmet: No-no-no, light speed is too slow! Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow? Dark Helmet: Yes, we'll have to go right to... Ludicrous Speed! (The entire crew gasps.) Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if this ship can take it! Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken? (Beat) Colonel Sandurz: (voice breaks harshly) Prepare the ship— (collects himself) Prepare the ship for Ludicrous Speed! Fasten all seat belts! Seal all entrances and exits! Close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo— Dark Helmet: (snatches PA voice box from Sandurz's hand) Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed— Colonel Sandurz: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up? Dark Helmet: Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed, GO! (Dark Helmet clings to his console, screaming as he sees various warp trails on the monitor. Meanwhile, there are signs lighting up indicating "Light Speed", "Ridiculous Speed", and a flashing "Ludicrous Speed" sign.) Dark Helmet: (straining) What have I...done?! My brains...are going into...my feet! (The Streaming Stars soon turn into a plaid pattern. Lone Starr and Barf duck as Spaceball One rockets past them) Barf: Whoa! ...what the hell was that? Lone Starr: Spaceball One. Barf: They've gone to plaid! Dark Helmet: We passed 'em! Stop this thing! Colonel Sandurz: (whimpering) We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first! Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! STOP THIS THING! I ORDER YOU! STOP!!! (Sandurz struggles to reach a lever labeled "Emergency Brake — Never Use". When he pulls it, Dark Helmet is rocketed towards the front console, where he smashes it and his helmet). Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir? Dark Helmet: (dazed) Fine. How have you been? Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet. Dark Helmet: Yeah. Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir? Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped? Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir. Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break? Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. (Dark Helmet collapses.)
The Radar Officer who makes his own sound effects:
Radar Technician: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit! (taps his helmet, making beeps. Talks into the communicator in a high staticky voice)Sir? Colonel Sandurz: What is it? Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, sir? Colonel Sandurz: Well? Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir! Colonel Sandurz: You don't need that private. (takes the communicator and puts it back on its place) We're right here, now what is it? Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir! Dark Helmet: (angrily grabs and throws the communicator away) NOW WHAT IS IT? Radar Technician: (normal voice) I'm having trouble with the radar, sir! Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?! Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps. Dark Helmet: The what? Colonel Sandurz: The what? Dark Helmet: And the what? Radar Technician: You know, the bleeps... (Makes beeping noise)... the sweeps... (Makes vibrating noise) and the creeps. (Makes squeaking noise) Dark Helmet: (Quietly, to Sandurz) That's not all he's lost.
Maybe I'm just imagining it but on the last "I'm having trouble with the radar sir." line that Michael Winslow says in his normal voice, he seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face. The man makes it through countless Police Academy films and it's this one scene he almost corpses on? That cracks me up.
You're not imagining it. Listen to him say "I'm having trouble with the radar, sir" in his normal voice. You can hear him almost laugh. Watch here.
The look on Helmet's face when the technician starts using that voice. And the annoyed look on Sandurz's face while Helmet grabs the communicator and throws it away.
Dark Helmet playing with his Spaceballs: The Action Figures playset.
Dark Helmet: (using a deep voice) So Princess Vespa, at last, I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to. (in higher-pitched, feminine voice) No please leave me alone! (deep voice) NO! You are mine! (imitates Lone Starr) Not so fast, Helmet! (Helmet voice) Lone Starr! (Lone Starr voice) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi honey! (Helmet voice) Now, you are going to die! (makes shooting noises, Lone Starr voice) Ahhh...ahhh! (imitates Barf) Hey! whadja do to my friend? (Helmet voice) The same thing I'm going do to you big boy! (makes shooting noises at "Barf") And you too! ("shoots Dot") Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. (Vespa voice) Oh, no! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone! And yet,...I find you strangely attractive. (Helmet voice) Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it. (Vespa voice) NO! Leave me alone! (Helmet voice) NO! Kiss me!! (in Vespa voice, makes smooching noises with the Dark Helmet and Princess Vespa figures) OH..ohh.....oh your helmet is sooo big. Colonel Sandurz: (barges in) Lord Helmet! Dark Helmet: (startled, hiding his action figures) WHAT!!?? Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir. Dark Helmet: (unfathomably embarrassed) KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!!! Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir! Dark Helmet: Did you see anything!? Colonel Sandurz: No sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again! Dark Helmet: GOOD!
An interesting note about this scene: Mel Brookswasn't the one who wrote this part of the movie, but rather Rick Moranishimself, who plays Helmet in the movie, that improvised this scene. They just handed him a handful of action figures and told him to go nuts.
"You idiots! These are not them! YOU'VE CAPTURED THEIR STUNT DOUBLES!"
Dark Helmet ordering his men to 'comb the desert', which, of course, they take to mean literally.
Dark Helmet: Now I've got my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar.
Then a final visual gag as the radar machine is right next to the coffee machine, looks pretty much the same, and is titled "Mr. Radar".
"Funny. She doesn't look Druish".
Dot Matrix' "Virgin Alarm" activating just as Lone Star and Vespa kiss. (To Lone Star)"It's programmed to go off before you do!"
In Spaceball City when Barf and Lone Star are Dressing as the Enemy they find the guards in the hallway in their underwear.
Guard 1: HEY!!! THOSE ARE THE GUYS WHO STOLE OUR UNIFORMS!!
Guard 2: And beat the shit out of us too.
Dark Helmet slurping coffee with his mask down.
Dark Helmet's entrance. It starts out as something akin to a homage to Darth Vader, with Helmet walking past the terrified technicians, with cuts to their freak'd out faces. Through it all, we hear the heavy sound of him breathing. Once Helmet gets close enough to the camera, his breath becomes raspy, and he flips up his scary visor, showing Rick Moranis' face. Mood Whiplash at its finest.
Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing!
"To join... Princess Vespa and Prince Valium, in the bonds of holy- MOLY!!"
That priest ranks alongside the one in The Princess Bride as one of the funniest clergymen in film.
"I'm sick of this! I don't give a damn who it is, but I am going to marry somebody today!!"
Priest: Who are you? Barf: I'm the best man. Priest: What's your name? Barf: Barf. Priest: Your full name. Barf:Barfolomew. Priest: You're the one who's getting married? Barf: No. Priest: Then GET OVER THERE!!
Vespa: I'm gonna tell him off, once and for all. Dot Matrix: Wait a minute. We need him to get us out of here. Lone Starr: Call me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few thing to her... Dot: Besides, he's gotta sexy voice. He might be cute. Barf: Wait a minute, you haven't even seen what she looks like. Lone Starr: I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess you've seen them all. Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike: fat, ugly... Lone Starr: Bucktoothed, knock-kneed... Vespa: ...beer-swilling pigs! Lone Starr: ...horse-faced space dogs! Barf: Yeah well normally I... (tries to get up but still had his seat belt on) Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark. Vespa: Now listen you... (she's struck by his looks, then shakes it off) Lone Starr:You listen! On this ship, you refer to me as "idiot", not "you captain"! ... I mean... you know what I mean!
When the Mega Maid's self destruct is activated:
Scroob: Sandurz, help me, do something! I can't make decisions! I'm a president!
Ever notice the THUD Lonestarr's head makes when he passes out in the desert?
Special mention goes to actor George Wyner for parodying Captain/Admiral Piett's anxiety towards how his lord punishes his men! When Lord Helmet does his version of the force choke, there's a particular focus on Colonel Sandurz staring away from the punishment that's taking place. That wince on his face as the subordinate groans in pain.... Is he reliving his own experience or is it just he has been a witness to countless punishments done on others? Is he dreading it or secretly longing for it? Each time you get to watch his look you get a different hilarious interpretation!
Barf's ears pretty much make all of John Candy's dialog even more hilarious. Especially right after Vespa's Berserk Button moment over her hair.
Lone Starr, Dot, and Vespa trekking through the desert while gasping for water, oil, and room service respectively. Barf couldn't beg for anything because of his tongue hanging out from the heat.
When the Dinks deliver water to Lone Starr, Barf, and Vespa, they also conveniently pull out an oil can for replenishing Dot.
Right before Spaceball One/Mega Maid explodes with Dark Helmet, President Skroob, and Colonel Sandurz still inside:
Countdown Voice: This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. Counting down. Ten...nine...eight...six... Skroob: Six? What happened to seven!? Countdown Voice: Just kidding! (Prompting angry growls and expressions) Seven...six...five...four...three...two...one...Have a nice day. Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: Thank you. (ship explodes)
Dark Helmet accidentally kills the soundman.
Helmet: Uh... (points at Lone Starr)he did it! Lone Starr:WHAT?? (They resume their fight)
At one point in their duel, Lone Starr tries to strike at Dark Helmet's head, but his Schwartz sword keeps getting blocked by Helmet's helmet. After the third attempt, Helmet raises his mask so he can laugh and Lone Starr socks him. Helmet then tries to cut at Lone Starr, only to be held back At Arm's Length, flailing ineffectually, until Lone Starr lets go and Helmet runs into a wall.