- When Lone Starr was trained by Yogurt on how to use the Schwartz. He practices by lifting the colossal Yogurt statue. Barf, amazed at this, asks Lone Starr how he did that, which distracted him and made him accidentally drop the statue on his buddy's foot, causing the Mog to start yelping in pain. Yogurt then takes the ring he gave Lone Star to use to train with and lifts the statue to free Barf. The Mog's foot was completely flattened.
Lone Starr: Sorry, Barf!
(Barf walks away, howling and moaning from the pain)
- "FOOLED YOU!"
- A trooper takes off Dot's batteries.
- During Lone Starr and Dark Helmet's duel:
: So Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because Good Is Dumb
- Or, from earlier in the same scene:
What does that make us
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
- While watching Spaceballs: The Movie:
(They fast-forward past the stuff you've seen before in the movie. Dark Helmet has a bamboozled look on his face as he watches. And after seeing himself crash into the control panel earlier...)
Dark Helmet: No no, go past this; past this part. (darts eyes to the side) In fact, never play this again. (awkwardly sips coffee)
Colonel Sandurz: (to the Operator) Try it here. Stop.
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?!
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Dark Helmet: What?!
Operator: We've identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Operator: It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: When?!
Operator: 1900 hours, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: WHOOOOOOOOO?!?! (mask on helmet slams down)
- Plus, when they're getting the movie, they go over to a rack containing every previous Mel Brooks movie, lots of Friday the 13th films, and Rocky I through Rocky XIV.
- Which sets up a subtle Brick Joke that pays off right after Pizza the Hutt's death is announced on the news. "Coming up next, Pongo's review of Rocky Five... Thousand."
- And towards the start of the film, where Dark Helmet meets the extended Asshole family:
: Careful, you idiot! I said across
the nose, not up
: (very cross-eyed)
I'm sorry sir; I'm doing the best I can! Dark Helmet:
Who made that man a gunner? Officer:
I did, sir. He's my cousin. Dark Helmet:
Who is he? Colonel Sandurz:
He's an Asshole, sir. Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name? Colonel Sandurz:
That is his name. Asshole, Major Asshole. Dark Helmet:
And his cousin? Colonel Sandurz:
He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's Mate First Class Phillip Asshole. Dark Helmet:
How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyway?! (
Everyone else (but one) on the bridge stands up and waves) Assholes: Yo! Dark Helmet:
I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes! (puts his visor back down)
Keep firing, Assholes!
- "Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!"
- The diner scene near the end. A chestburster suddenly, for want of a better phrase, bursts out of the chest of a patron at the diner (played by John Hurt), and proceeds to do sing "Hello! Ma Baby" in the rag style of Michigan J. Frog. As he exits stage-right, Lone Starr and Barf have only one response:
- Hurt's line "Not again!" is even funnier in the context of this montage.
- The bumper sticker encompassing the tail end of Spaceball One, which reads "We Brake For Nobody", and it appears to be taped-on!
- The one on the tail end of the Eagle 5, which reads "I (heart) Uranus"
- The license plate on the front of Vespa's Mercedes, which reads "Spoil'd Rott'n"
- The entire Ludicrous Speed segment. The whole thing.
: Prepare ship for light speed! Dark Helmet
: No-no-no, light speed is too slow! Colonel Sandurz
: Light speed too slow? Dark Helmet
: Yes, we'll have to go right to... Ludicrous Speed
! (The entire crew gasps.) Colonel Sandurz
: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if this ship can take it! Dark Helmet
: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken? (Beat) Colonel Sandurz
: (voice breaks harshly)
Prepare the ship— (collects himself)
Prepare the ship for Ludicrous Speed
! Fasten all seat belts! Seal all entrances and exits! Close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo— Dark Helmet
: (snatches PA voice box from Sandurz's hand)
Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer
! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed— Colonel Sandurz
: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up? Dark Helmet
: Aw, buckle this
! Ludicrous speed, GO! (Dark Helmet clings to his console, screaming as he sees various warp trails on the monitor. Meanwhile, there are signs lighting up indicating "Light Speed", "Ridiculous Speed", and a flashing "Ludicrous Speed" sign.) Dark Helmet
What have I...done?! My brains...are going into...my feet! (The Streaming Stars soon turn into a plaid pattern. Lone Starr and Barf duck as
Spaceball One rockets past them) Barf
: Whoa! ...what the hell was that? Lone Starr
: Spaceball One. Barf
: They've gone to plaid! Dark Helmet
: We passed 'em! Stop this thing! Colonel Sandurz
We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first! Dark Helmet
: BULLSHIT! STOP THIS THING! I ORDER YOU! STOP!!! (Sandurz struggles to reach a lever labeled "Emergency Brake — Never Use". When he pulls it, Dark Helmet is rocketed towards the front console, where he smashes it and his helmet). Colonel Sandurz
: Are you all right, sir? Dark Helmet
Fine. How have you been? Colonel Sandurz
: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet. Dark Helmet
: Yeah. Colonel Sandurz
: What should we do now, sir? Dark Helmet
: Well, are we stopped? Colonel Sandurz
: We're stopped, sir. Dark Helmet
: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break? Colonel Sandurz
: Very good, sir. Dark Helmet
: Smoke if you got 'em
. (Dark Helmet collapses.)
- The Radar Officer who makes his own sound effects:
Radar Technician: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit! (taps his helmet, making beeps. Talks into the communicator in a high staticky voice) Sir?
Colonel Sandurz: What is it?
Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, sir?
Colonel Sandurz: Well?
Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Colonel Sandurz: You don't need that private. (takes the communicator and puts it back on its place) We're right here, now what is it?
Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Dark Helmet: (angrily grabs and throws the communicator away) NOW WHAT IS IT?
Radar Technician: (normal voice) I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?!
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Technician: You know, the bleeps... (Makes beeping noise)... the sweeps... (Makes vibrating noise) and the creeps. (Makes squeaking noise)
Dark Helmet: (Quietly, to Sandurz) That's not all he's lost.
- It's funnier since: A, the Radar Technician is played by Michael Winslow, the king of making sound effects; and B, the look Dark Helmet had on his face while saying the last line above.◊
- Maybe I'm just imagining it but on the last "I'm having trouble with the radar sir." line that Michael Winslow says in his normal voice, he seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face. The man makes it through countless Police Academy films and it's this one scene he almost corpses on? That cracks me up.
- You're not imagining it. Listen to him say "I'm having trouble with the radar, sir" in his normal voice. You can hear him almost laugh. Watch here.
- The look on Helmet's face when the technician starts using that voice. And the annoyed look on Sandurz's face while Helmet grabs the communicator and throws it away.
- Dark Helmet playing with his Spaceballs: The Action Figures playset.
: (using a deep voice)
So Princess Vespa, at last, I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to. (in higher-pitched, feminine voice)
No please leave me alone! (deep voice)
NO! You are mine! (imitates Lone Starr)
Not so fast, Helmet! (Helmet voice)
Lone Starr! (Lone Starr voice)
Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi honey! (Helmet voice)
Now, you are going to die! (makes shooting noises, Lone Starr voice)
Ahhh...ahhh! (imitates Barf)
Hey! whadja do to my friend? (Helmet voice)
The same thing I'm going do to you big boy! (makes shooting noises at "Barf")
And you too! ("shoots Dot")
Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. (Vespa voice)
Oh, no! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone! And yet,...I find you strangely attractive. (Helmet voice)
Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it. (Vespa voice)
NO! Leave me alone! (Helmet voice)
NO! Kiss me!! (in Vespa voice, makes smooching noises with the Dark Helmet and Princess Vespa figures)
OH..ohh.....oh your helmet is sooo big. Colonel Sandurz
: (barges in)
Lord Helmet! Dark Helmet
: (startled, hiding his action figures)
WHAT!!?? Colonel Sandurz
: You're needed on the bridge sir. Dark Helmet
: (unfathomably embarrassed)
KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!!! Colonel Sandurz
: Yes sir! Dark Helmet
: Did you see anything!? Colonel Sandurz
: No sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again
! Dark Helmet
- An interesting note about this scene: Mel Brooks wasn't the one who wrote this part of the movie, but rather Rick Moranis himself, who plays Helmet in the movie, that improvised this scene. They just handed him a handful of action figures and told him to go nuts.
- "You idiots! These are not them! YOU'VE CAPTURED THEIR STUNT DOUBLES!"
- Dark Helmet ordering his men to 'comb the desert', which, of course, they take to mean literally.
- "I'm not shooting this thing! I hate guns!"
Vespa: How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad... for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!
- "'Out of Order'?! FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!!"
- The entire "beaming" sequence.
"Why didn't anybody tell me my ass was so big!?"
- "Raspberry... there's only one man who would DARE give me the raspberry..."
- LONE STARR! *bonk*
- The way Colonel Sandurz blatantly sees the camera approach and backs off...
- Even better is that Helmet actually lightly pushes Sandurz to warn him of the closeup.
- The gang trying to escape Spaceball City. One of the stocktroopers shoots at the handle of Eagle 5's side door.
Vespa: Open the door!
Barf: I can't, its fused!
Vespa: (trying to open the cockpit door) What about this one?
Barf: It's locked!
Vespa: WHERE ARE THE KEYS?
Vespa: OH GREAT!
- None of the characters ever point it out, but the stuff in the back of the Winnebago includes a large gray fire hydrant labeled "MAWG'S ROOM".
- A definite Too Dumb to Live moment, when Lonestarr tries to knock out a Spaceball guard.
Guard: What the hell are you doing?
Guard: No no no, stupid, you've got it much too high. Down lower, where the shoulder meets the neck.
Lonestarr: Like this? (correctly performs the move)
Guard: Yeah! (collapses)
- What really sells this one is the rather...pleased tone the guard delivers that last line in.
- This editor considers the "moichendizing" scene the funniest, hitting the high point when Yogurt pulls out "Spaceballs, the flamethrower."
- "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."
They both look down
- "Let's see if you know how to handle it."
- The sequence where Dark Helmet embarrasses himself and everyone else is too terrified to contradict him:
: You call this a radar machine?! Colonel Sandurz
: No sir, we call it "Mr. Coffee". Care for some? Dark Helmet
: (Pause for thought)
Yes! I always drink coffee when I'm watching radar, you know that! Colonel Sandurz
: Of course I do, sir. Dark Helmet
: Everyone knows that! The Crew
: (covering their genitalia due to an earlier guy who got zapped)
OF COURSE WE DO, SIR! Dark Helmet
: Now I've got my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Then a final visual gag as the radar machine is right next to the coffee machine, looks pretty much the same, and is titled "Mr. Radar"
- And in a later scene, where they look for the Spaceballs movie to find the heroes—the video tape display is labeled "Mr. Rental".
- "Funny. She doesn't look Druish".
- Dot Matrix' "Virgin Alarm" activating just as Lone Star and Vespa kiss. (To Lone Star) "It's programmed to go off before you do!"
- In Spaceball City when Barf and Lone Star are Dressing as the Enemy they find the guards in the hallway in their underwear.
Guard 1: HEY!!! THOSE ARE THE GUYS WHO STOLE OUR UNIFORMS!!
Guard 2: And beat the shit out of us too.
- Dark Helmet slurping coffee with his mask down.
- Dark Helmet's entrance. It starts out as something akin to a homage to Darth Vader, with Helmet walking past the terrified technicians, with cuts to their freak'd out faces. Through it all, we hear the heavy sound of him breathing. Once Helmet gets close enough to the camera, his breath becomes raspy, and he flips up his scary visor, showing Rick Moranis' face. Mood Whiplash at its finest.
Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing!
- "To join... Princess Vespa and Prince Valium, in the bonds of holy- MOLY!!"
- That priest ranks alongside the one in The Princess Bride as one of the funniest clergymen in film.
"I'm sick of this! I don't give a damn who it is, but I am going to marry somebody today!!"
Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Priest: Your full name.
Priest: You're the one who's getting married?
Priest: Then GET OVER THERE!!
- This dialogue:
I'm gonna tell him off, once and for all. Dot Matrix:
Wait a minute. We need him to get us out of here. Lone Starr:
Call me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few thing to her... Dot:
Besides, he's gotta sexy voice. He might be cute. Barf:
Wait a minute, you haven't even seen what she looks like. Lone Starr:
I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess you've seen them all. Vespa:
Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike: fat, ugly... Lone Starr:
Bucktoothed, knock-kneed... Vespa:
...beer-swilling pigs! Lone Starr:
...horse-faced space dogs! Barf:
Yeah well normally I... (tries to get up but still had his seat belt on)
Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark. Vespa:
Now listen you... (she's struck by his looks, then shakes it off) Lone Starr: You
listen! On this ship, you refer to me as "idiot", not "you captain"! ...
I mean... you know what I mean!
- When the Mega Maid's self destruct is activated:
: Sandurz, help me, do something! I can't make decisions! I'm a president!
- "COME BACK, YOU FAT BEARDED BITCH!"
- "Whaddaya know, she's a bass!"
- Ever notice the THUD Lonestarr's head makes when he passes out in the desert?
- Special mention goes to actor George Wyner for parodying Captain/Admiral Piett's anxiety towards how his lord punishes his men! When Lord Helmet does his version of the force choke, there's a particular focus on Colonel Sandurz staring away from the punishment that's taking place. That wince on his face as the subordinate groans in pain.... Is he reliving his own experience or is it just he has been a witness to countless punishments done on others? Is he dreading it or secretly longing for it? Each time you get to watch his look you get a different hilarious interpretation!
- Barf's ears pretty much make all of John Candy's dialog even more hilarious. Especially right after Vespa's Berserk Button moment over her hair.
- "The ship's too big. If I walk, the movie will be over."
- Lone Starr, Dot, and Vespa trekking through the desert while gasping for water, oil, and room service respectively. Barf couldn't beg for anything because of his tongue hanging out from the heat.
- When the Dinks deliver water to Lone Starr, Barf, and Vespa, they also conveniently pull out an oil can for replenishing Dot.
- Right before Spaceball One/Mega Maid explodes with Dark Helmet, President Skroob, and Colonel Sandurz still inside:
Countdown Voice: This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. Counting down. Ten...nine...eight...six...
Skroob: Six? What happened to seven!?
Countdown Voice: Just kidding! (Prompting angry growls and expressions) Seven...six...five...four...three...two...one...Have a nice day.
Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: Thank you.
- Dark Helmet accidentally kills the soundman.
Uh... (points at Lone Starr) he did it! Lone Starr: WHAT?? (They resume their fight)
- At one point in their duel, Lone Starr tries to strike at Dark Helmet's head, but his Schwartz sword keeps getting blocked by Helmet's helmet. After the third attempt, Helmet raises his mask so he can laugh and Lone Starr socks him. Helmet then tries to cut at Lone Starr, only to be held back At Arm's Length, flailing ineffectually, until Lone Starr lets go and Helmet runs into a wall.
- Lest we forget: "Oh shit. There goes the planet."
- President Skroob in the urinal, only to have the wall turn out to be a Video Phone. His Number Two then fools him into exposing himself with the Strange Salute. Then she gives us a smirk.
- The riff on Leia's iconic double hairbuns.
- "You know something, princess? You are ugly when you're angry."