Funny / Futurama Season 3

Santa Claus's best friend Jesus.

Amazon Women in the Mood

• One could honestly list the entire script of "Amazon Women in the Mood" for this page and not feel at all guilty.
  Zapp Brannigan: You win again, gravity!
  • Moments before that:
    Zapp Brannigan: Ah, she's built like a steak house, but she handles like a bistro!
• "We no can dunk, but good fundamentals."
  [The male characters (except Kif) laugh]
  Zapp: Oh God, you're killing me!
  [The Amazons start beating him with clubs]
  Zapp: Oh God, you're killing me!
• The following lines are especially funny if you're female, seeing as it's pretty much a stock exchange among a lot of us:
  Guard #1: How Tonk look?
  Guard #2: Tonk look good. Me fat.
  Guard #1: No, you look good. Tonk fat.
  • Made even funnier when Bender makes a gabby mouth motion with his hand.
• I met her in a club down in old Soho. Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca Cola. C-O-L-A. Cola. She walked up to me and asked me to dance. I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said...
  • LEEE-LAH! L-E-E-L-A, LEEE-LAH!
    Chef: He sickens me!
• The scene where Zoidberg tries out shells from the shell catalog:
  Zoidberg: (trying out a stereotypical Mexican shell) Ah, muy macho. Hey, gringos! Here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water! (imitates gunfire)
  Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican, and I find that offensive. (shows his chest cabinet door, which has "Hecho en Mexico" engraved on it, he closes the door and it falls off)
  Zoidberg: You Latins are so hot-blooded. (tries on a summer cop outfit with revealing asscheeks) This one's like a summer guy!
  Hermes: Look, you fat fish, the Planet Express health plan only covers one kind of replacement shell!
  (Hermes changes Zoidberg's demo shell to a plain white shell with a barcode and "SHELL" printed on it)
• "The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it."
  Fry: We gotta go rescue them!
  Bender: Eh, I don't know.
  Fry: But Bender! Think of the señoritas!
  (guitar twang)
  Bender: ¡Vámonos!
• When Zapp, Kif, Leela and Amy all land on Amazonia:
  Leela: What planet is this, anyway?
  Zapp: I 'unno. This whole sector is uncharted.
  Kif: It's not uncharted, you lost the chart!
• Zapp's pick-up lines: "If I said you have a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?" and "I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies."
  • Gets even funnier when he attempts to use the latter pick-up line on a trio of Amazonians. It doesn't work and it ends up revealing to them where he, Kif, Leela, and Amy are hiding.
• And of course, DEATH BY SNU-SNU!
• Zapp's reaction to Snu-Snu, and the Amazonians reaction to Zapp's reaction:
  Zapp: Just FYI, I can be used for Snu-Snu.
  Amazonian: SILENCE. You want die like last man visit planet Amazonia?!
  Fry: What'd they die of?
  Amazonian 2: Crushed pelvises.
  (cut to a nearby trio of skeletons, with crushed pelvises, all in relaxed poses and with shit-eating grins, one of them holding a used cigarette)
• Leela tries pleading for clemency for Fry, Kif and Bender. It almost works.
  Leela: Femputer, be reasonable. Sure, men are annoying, and they wreck whatever planet they're in charge of, but most of these guys are sort of my friends. Can't you let them go?
  Femputer: Hmm... perhaps men are not as evil as Femputer thinks.
  Amazionian: But they make fun women's basketball!
  Femputer: WHAT?! Did you explain how the Amazonian's good fundamentals make up for their inability to dunk?!
  Amazionian 2: Yes, they still laugh!
  Femputer: THE MEN MUST DIE!!
• Asking for a break in the midst of their Snu-Snu "execution"...
  Zapp: We need rest...the spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised...
  Fry: Can't we just cuddle?
  • And before that, the looks on Zapp's, Fry's and Kif's faces when they learn they're sentenced to death by "snu-snu", Zapp and Fry switching from looks of abject horror to expectant glee. Kif, on the other hand, just looks horrified.
    Zapp: (to Kif) What are you, gay?
  • Fry has this winner:
    Fry: (sadly) I never thought I would die this way... (brightly) but I've always really hoped!
• Femputer laying out the level of snu-snu related punishment the men get.
  Femputer: The one known as Zapp shall be snu-snu'd by the largest women. He that is designated Fry shall be snu-snu'd by the petite women. And Kif, as the most attractive male, shall be snu-snu'd by the most beautiful women of Amazonia. Then the large women! Then the petite women! Then the large woman again!
• The episode's introduction - shell-less Zoidberg and all.
  Zoidberg: invoked Oh, the fresh air feels good! (jiggles his jelly-like body)
  Professor Farnsworth: Stop doing that!
• How Fry and Bender get captured when trying to save Zapp, Leela and Amy, thinking they are in tall grass:
  Fry: Alright, here's the plan...
  (an Amazonian is heard grunting. Fry is confused as Bender glares at him)
  Bender: What kind of moronic plan is that? (zoom out to reveal they're under an Amazonian's grass skirt) Wow...
  (both get clubbed by the Amazonian)

Parasites Lost

• Fry trying to defend his lady's honor:
  Fry: That jerk! No one hoots at my captain unless they're prepared to take it to the next level!
  (rolls up his sleeves)
  Leela: Fry, please. That's sweet, but I'd rather not even dignify them with an ass-whooping.
  Sal: Hey, sexy mama! Let's get busy and freaky in that order!
  Fry: Hey, Jumbo! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love to you?
  Sal: Eh, I gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck-stop chick.
  Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck-stop chick!
  Sal: Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me.
  Fry: She does too! She's got plenty of meat! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow!
  • Earlier in the spaceship station (the equivalent of a truck stop) sequence, Bender is fueling up on ethanol (as he's a robot and runs on alcohol) and lights a cigar. Next we see is Leela working the dipstick back into the Planet Express Delivery Ship, an explosion, and Bender's severed head just barely missing Leela's, while Bender's shouts a desperate, "Comin' through!"
• While the crew traverses Fry's body:
  Farnsworth: Where's Zoidberg?
  Zoidberg comes in riding a spermatozoon like it's a bronco
  Zoidberg: Yippee kay yay! You'll never guess where I've been!
• The race against time to get the parasitic worms out of Fry's body, with the Professor commenting that they could be so ingrained in Fry that "not even Hermes' jerked prunes could get them out!" Hermes, without missing a beat, responds, "I call it Caribbean Drain-O."
  • The explanation for how a bowel movement will get all the worms out:
    Hermes: But what about the worms in the other parts of Fry's body?
    Professor: Listen, this will be one hell of a bowel movement. He'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
• Earlier:
  Zoidberg: We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera.
  Fry: (Opens mouth)
  Zoidberg: Guess again.
  Fry: (Changes to a fearful expression)
• The cast's assessment of Fry with the worms:
  Hermes: He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined!
  Dr. Zoidberg: Gumbercules? I love that guy!
• Scruffy only appears for one scene in this episode, but it sets him up perfectly.
  (Fry and Bender go down to the basement, and find the boiler acting up, with Scruffy sitting in the corner reading a dirty mag)
  Bender: Who're you?
  Scruffy: I'm Scruffy. The janitor.
  Bender: Well why aren't you fixing the boiler?
  Scruffy: Schedule conflict. (turns page)
  (Fry and Bender try to fix the boiler. It just makes it worse, and it builds up to an explosion)
  Scruffy: Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived. (turns page again)
• This dialogue:
  Fry: Your Excellency, have you ever been in love?
  Worm King: No. I thought I was once but then I remembered our species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
• Fry when eating the truckstop egg salad sandwich
  It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up!

A Tale of Two Santas

• Robot Santa at work judging the naughty:
  Robot Santa: (watching Clamps and Joey Mousepad beating a guy) Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. Very naughty. Shopkeeper not paying protection money! ''Exactly as naughty!''
  (he changes the screen, to Scruffy just sitting on some steps. After a second, Scruffy brushes his mustache)
  Robot Santa: I SAW THAT!
• Leela tries to convince the Professor to give Bender-as-Santa a chance. You can probably guess what happens.
  Leela: Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?
  Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3!
  [Bender emerges from the fireplace.]
  Bender: (battered, weary) Ho-ho-
  (The Professor immediately grabs a shotgun and blasts him)
  Leela: Professor! Didn't you hear what I just said?!
  Professor: NO!
• Kwanza-Bot's book: "What the Hell is Kwanza?"
  Kwanza-Bot: I've been giving this out for four hundred years...
• Bender's trial does not get off to a great start.
  Judge Whitey: How do you plead?
  Bender: Not Santa!
  Professor: There he is again! (shoots Bender in the back with a shotgun)
• Hyper-Chicken: Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in that there witness box but t'ain't no need to fear me. [he suddenly pecks at Pramala, startling her] I'm sorry, I thought you was corn.
• Part of the Hyper-Chicken's "case" against Bender is simply asking one witness, a little girl named Pramala, to point at him. She does so, and the crowd murmur in shock.
• When Bender is on his way to be executed for crimes against humanity (done while taking the place of Robo-Santa), he's escorted past other prisoners:
  Robot he passes: Hey Santa! When you see the Robot Devil tell him I'm a-comin'!
  (Bender walks to the next cell over, which contains...the Robot Devil.)
  Bender: Hey, that guy said to tell you that—
  Robot Devil: I heard him!
• Bender's method of execution.
  Mayor Poopenmeyer: These magnets will tear you apart, killing you in the most humane way possible.
  Bender: But mister mayor, that doesn't sound very humane!
  Mayor: It is for the audience, because it's not boring!
  • The method itself is ridiculous. Rather than just flipping the switch, the machine is set up to a random number generator. Only if and when it reaches zero will the Mayor actually turn on the magnets.
  • And when the crew come to rescue Bender, the device gets turned on.
  Bender: No! Not the magnets! Swwwwiiiiing looooooow, sweet chaaaaarioootts
  Amy: This is horrible.
  Professor: But it's certainly not boring!
• The part when most of the cast claims to be Robot Santa in order to save Bender's life. All except Zoidberg who completely misses the point. "And I'm his friend Jesus!"
  • "None of you are Santa! You're not even robots! How dare you lie in front of Jesus?!"
  • "It's the real Santa! Get him, Jesus!" "I help those who help themselves!"
• After Robot Santa frees Bender:
  Fry (to Bender): Don't do it! He's pure evil!
  Robot Santa: I know he (Bender) is, but I have no choice!
• The last scene in the episode. Something about the image of the entire Planet Express crew, including family members, huddled together on the same couch, shivering in fear from potential death by Santa, as explosions billow in the distance, camera slowly zooming in as an atmospherically pleasing-yet-unnerving instrumental holiday tune is somehow both adorable and chuckle-inducing.
  Fry: Don't you see! Fear has brought us together! That's the magic of X-Mas!
  Professor: That's a big crock of - (explosion) Hold me!
• The Elves song.

The Luck of the Fryrish

• From the beginning:
  Amy's Mom: We just put out our best jockey out to stud, Amy. He's perfect for you!
  Jockey (no taller than 3 feet): Hey baby, ever do it in a suitcase?
• And:
  (As Bender is rigging the race via administering sedatives to horses in the stable)
  Wong jockey: Hey! What are you doing?!
  Bender: This. (Uses the sedative device on the jockey himself, knocking him out)
• Futurama also had the occasional joke based on science that were quite rewarding. First, one on the uncertainty principle:
  Race track announcers: And the winner, in a quantum finish, is...
  Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!
• Speaking of horse races, there's also this exchange:
  Leela: How'd you do, Fry?
  Fry: I'll tell you when my horse finishes. [beat] Bad.
• After failing to find Fry's lucky clover in the record vault in his old house:
  Fry: Everything else in here held up okay.
  Bender: (holding up the album) Except ''Sports'' by Huey Lewis.
• Hermes and Zoidberg at the races:
  Hermes: C'mon! Baby needs a new pair of shoes!
  Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes!
• Fry gets upset about his brother stealing his name and his lucky clover.
  Fry: He stole my name, he stole my clover and he stole my life! (Punches a statue of Philip J. Fry) And now he broke my hand!
  Bender: His legend lives on!
• Fry attempts to jaywalk across the street in the remains of old New York, only to be ran over by a giant lizard.

The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz

• The protesters have formed a ring around the tanker to stop. The tanker just goes up and flies away.
  Leela: When you were planning this peace ring, didn't you realize spaceships can move in three dimensions?
  Waterfall Sr.: No, I did not.
• Sound Effects Added To Lessen Tragedy
  Leela: I don't think any of us can understand how these poor, oil-soaked penguins feel! (falls over, complete with comical sound effect)
• Fry and Zoidberg try flying the ship. Hilarity Ensues, naturally.
  Zoidberg: Captain, we're not on Pluto anymore. In fact, I think we may have left space as we know it!
  Fry: Then where are we? You said you knew how to navigate!
  Zoidberg: (starts crying) Stop yelling at me!
  • Later on, the plot cuts away to the ship, still flying, but being devoured by a giant squid.
  Fry: (screaming, as the ship audibly strains)
  Zoidberg: It's been an honor to serve under you, sir!
• Leela takes a stand against the enviromentalists:
  Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way, then it's not environmentalism.
  Free Waterfall Senior: What about blowin' up dams?
  Leela: (reluctantly) Yeah... that is fun.
• Officers Smitty and URL talk about penguins:
  Smitty: Are they black with white feathers or white with black feathers?
  URL: It don't matter, baby, they're all beautiful!
  (They hug each other for a long time very affectionately)
• This very dirty exchange:
  Free Water Sr.: Now remember, if your hands are cold, just stick 'em in your buttocks. They're nature's pocket.
  Leela: I'm going to go check on Bender.
  Water Sr.: Don't let 'im pick your pocket.
• Leela: Why do we have to resort to non-violence? Can't we just kick their asses?
  Free Waterfall Sr.: Now, little lady, those people's asses are living things too.
• The Drunk with Power Bender inexplicably nicknames Fry "Wiggles." The little finger-waggling hand gesture he does to emphasize the word is priceless.
• After dealing with "Captain Bender's" ego a minute too long, Fry finally snaps:
  Bender: Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?
  Fry: Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender. He's the best! ...At being a big jerk who's stupid, and his big, ugly face is as dumb as a butt!!
  Bender: (unimpressed) Eh, I've heard better.
• Zoidberg is extremely impressed by the childish antics of both Captain Bender and Captain Fry.
  Zoidberg: (begging a sober-drunk Bender to take alcohol again) Please, sir, I love you like a father!
  Zoidberg: (about Fry, about to commandeer the ship for purely petty reasons) Such a man! I'd follow him to hell and back, I would!!
• It's already been established in a previuos episode that robots need alcohol because sobriety is to robots as being drunk is to humans. This episode just adds icing on the cake by revealing that Bender's been busted for driving a tanker while below the alcohol concentration requirement.

Bendless Love

• Bender going on a sleep-bending spree. Among other things, he bends a couch cushion, Professor Farnsworth, and the security camera that catches his bending rampage.
• When Leela reveals the L beam that's been bent straight:
  Fry: That's doesn't look like an L at all! Unless you count lower case.
  Bender: You know we don't! (slaps Fry)
• The time Zoidberg tried to fix the Slinky that Bender straightened into a lengthy rod. As it turns out, the Slinky is Made of Incendium by the year 3000. His wail of despair is priceless.
• "My god! Even the Professor's been bent!"
  • "Thank you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum."
• Everything about the Professor's new, bent-posture induced cheerfulness.
  Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?
  Farnsworth: Hmm. I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a mild delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose.
  Fry: I wish! It's a nickel.
  • And how it's resolved, when the crew get fed up with it.
    (As the Professor sings merrily to himself)
    Leela: (to Bender) Can't you do something?
    Bender: I thought I was out, but they keep pulling me back in.
    (Bender effortlessly bends the Professor's spine again... in the wrong way)
    Amy: No, Bender! The other way!
    Bender: I like him better this way.
    Farnsworth: I'm sad now...
    Leela: Eh, it's fine.
• This gem of a line from Joey Mousepad: "Yo, the mafia supports youse guys [the workers]. But don't tell no-one! Spread the word!"
• When the Donbot reaches his limit with Bender flashing his scab money:
  Donbot: A'right, that's the necessary number of times. That scab's gonna meet with a little on-the-job "accident".
  Joey Mousepad: All due respect, Donbot, I don't think we should rely on an accident. Let's just kill 'im ourselves.
  Donbot: Ugh.
• This deleted line:
  Bender: Oh I see. A bunch of stuff gets bent, so it must be the robot designed for bending. How would you like it if I blamed you every time milk got lactated, or God got worshiped?
• Bender approaches Angelyne and Flexo, who are having dinner together.
  Bender: You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed in you too, Angelyne.

The Day the Earth Stood Stupid

• The sheep herding competition, or more specifically, the victor, who is THE HYPNOTOAD. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.
• Fry defeating the Big Brain by trapping it in a book he wrote, "a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors".
  "THE BIG BRAIN AM WINNING AGAIN! I AM THE GREETEST! ("Evil" Laugh) NOW, I AM LEAVING EARTH, FOR NO RAISIN!"
• (Talking into the wrong end of a megaphone) "Attention New New Yorkers: STOP ACTING SO STUPID!"
  • Made even funnier when a bird perches onto the other end of the megaphone and caws into it causing Fry to fall over backwards.
• The video of Fry staring at his foot.
• "Ow, fire hot!"
  • "The Professy will help! Oh, fire indeed hot!"
• Linda and Morbo becoming idiots.
  Morbo: Morbo doesn't understand his teleprompter. He forgot how you say the letter that looks like a man wearing a hat.
  Linda: It's a T. It goes "tuh".
  Morbo: Hello, little man. I WILL DESTROY YOU!
• Fry confronting the Big Brain:
  Big Brain: What do you want?
  Fry: I'm here to kick your ass!
  Big Brain: Wishful thinking. We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses.
• In the ending scene, Hermes is giving a meeting about employee sleep during meetings, while everyone is sleeping during the meeting.
• The Nibblonian's continued exasperation at being seen as cute. Even if they are.
  Ken: When the universe was born in the crucible of the Big Bang, our race was already seventeen years old. (slideshow shows Nibblolians frolicking while holding hands under a rainbow)
  Leela: Aawwwwww!
  (Ken and Fiona glower at her)
  • And of course, after a few minutes more exposition, Leela is now petting Fiona and Ken, the former of whom is purring like a cat.
• The Professor delivering news:
  Professor: Good news, everyone. We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet Tweenis 12, but it's been completely destroyed.
  Leela: Why's that good news?
  Professor: They paid in advance.
  • This is immediately followed by a comical twang sound effect, which turns out to be from Bender.
  Bender: Excuse me.
• Fry's first clue that something is up:
  Bender: (distressed) Fry! Help me! My heart stopped beating!
  Fry: You don't have a heart, you're a robot!
  Bender: ...Sure. Right. Robot. ...Ohhh, Fry, my skin's all dry and clanky!
  Fry: Well, yeah! Robots are made of metal?
  Bender: (Thousand-Yard Stare) ...Am I a robot?
  Fry: Bender, if this is some kind of scam, I don't get it. You already have my power of attorney. (Walks away.)
  Bender: Fry!! (incoherent sounds of consternation) ...My skin!
• Fry finally realizing what's wrong with everyone.
  Professor: Duh, I know! Let's play the lottery!
  Amy: No! Let's play internet stock!
  Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidby want to buy on margin!
  Hermes: (wearing nothing but a towel, holding a board in front of his face) Look at me! I'm invisible!
  Fry: Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots!
  Bender: (with unfocused eyes) Hey, let's all join the Reform Party!
  (everyone except Fry cheer and run off)
• The Feast of a Thousand Hams aka. lunch. The Nibblonians are in the middle of delivering ponderous, doom-laden exposition to Leela in their darkened council room, when suddenly a door opens and a Nibblonian dressed like a chef walks in to let them know that lunch is ready.
• The Big Brain tries trapping Fry and Leela in Tom Sawyer. It doesn't work.
  Fry: Have you seen a giant brain around here?
  Tom: Yep. I let him help me white-wash Polly's fence.
  (Tom points to a few feet away, where the Brain is holding a brush and wearing a sun hat.)
  Big Brain: Tom Sawyer, you tricked me! This activity is less fun than previously indicated! Let this corny slice of Americana be your tomb, for all eternity!

That's Lobstertainment!

• "GOOD MORNING MR. VICE PRESIDENT!
• After Harold Zoid explains the movie plot:
  Bender: [to Calculon] That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.
  Zoidberg: Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud.
  Bender: No, I didn't. Raise middle finger.
• Apparently in the 31st century, Jack Nicholson's DNA has been reconstituted in the body of a gorilla.
• Calculon's Bad "Bad Acting" during rehearsal.
• This:
  Calculon: So you're saying that if I take this role I'm guaranteed an Oscar?
  Bender: Hey, I can "guarantee" you anything you want!

The Cyber House Rules

• This exchange is utterly hilarious (especially Fry's epic "YAAAY!!!").
  (on the subject of adopting a mutant girl) Leela: She doesn't need an operation! She's fine the way she is!
  Adlai: Oh, and I suppose you were fine the way you were?
  Leela: Damn right I was!
  Fry: YAAY!!!
  Leela: Shut up, Fry. Now look, Adlai. I'm proud to be different. And I just wished I'd realized that when I was her age.
  Sally: I also have a tail!
• "Listen, bud, by the end of the day, one of us is going to have one eye!"
• Zoidberg chimes in when Leela discusses the possibility of getting eye surgery to make herself look like a normal human, saying that she should get an ink pouch to defend herself against her enemies. Farnsworth immediately decries it as the stupidest idea ever, and tries to swat Zoidberg... only to be sprayed by a jet of ink.
• This whole exchange when Fry tries to convince Leela not to get her phaser eye surgery to look normal:
  Fry: Why would you want to be normal? You're better than normal. You're abnormal and that's what makes you great! Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage, and does.
  Zoidberg: Damn right!
  Fry: The Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.
  Farnsworth: (cackles insanely)
  Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars.
  Amy: (drops her wineglass) Floop!
  Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
  Hermes: Tally me banana!
  Farnsworth: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
  Fry: I already did!
  • Followed by Adlai saying he wants to have kids, Leela tells him it's the most beautiful thing she's ever heard, and...
  Zoidberg: WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP! (sprays ink all over Leela)
• Bender's frustration that the kids constantly need to be fed.
  Albert: Can we have Bender-burgers again?
  Bender: No, the cat shelter's on to me!
• The very dark bit of humor with Bender trying to find new sources of income.
  Bender: Hello, Imperial Dragon Restaurant? I got a herd of you know whats for sale. (pause) Let me check. (picks up one of the kids) Aw, aren't you a cutie! (immediately sets the kid back down) About thirty-five pounds.
  • And the payoff, when Bender's arrested.
    Smitty: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting the weight of live stock!
    Bender: If you had kids of your own you'd understand!
  • Even funnier is you realize why Bender got busted for the misrepresentation bit: He picked up Albert the fat kid.
• A deleted scene explains why the kids got put in jail along with Bender and Fry.
  URL: We got a tip they were in on it.
  Bender: (with his arms around several orphans) I had to rat you out, kids. Daddy can't do hard time.
• Bender reading the kids his arrest record as if he's reading them a picture book:
  Bender: "Bender's Arrest Record. By: The Police! On March 3rd at 2 pm, Bender was caught shoplifting."
  Albert: Yeah, show us the picture.
  [Bender shows the kids a mug shot of himself pointing proudly to a watch with the price tag still on it, to appreciative cheering and laughter.]
  Girl: Oh, there he is!

Where the Buggalo Roam

• Any of Zapp's attempts to impart romantic advice surely qualify.
  Zapp: Remember, Kif; the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.
  • This is even more hilarious after seeing "Zapp Dingbat".
• When Bender examines the "bead" given to the native Martians, he's left stammering before going "Oh Chief, you've made me the happiest girl in the world!" The chief immediately shoves Bender off himself.
• The sign in front of Amy's parents' house reads, "You've come to the Wong place".
• Pretty much everything Zoidberg says in this episode:
  Zoidberg: I broke your television.
  • But the crowner goes to what he did at the party, and especially Leo's reaction.
    Leo: You here five hours, and already you tear up couch, draw mustache on priceless painting, and fill pool with brine shrimp!
    Dr. Zoidberg: Not bad for a city boy, eh? (Leans in toward Leo) Oh, and by the way, I took the liberty of fertilizing your caviar.
    (epic Oh, Crap! from Leo, who is eating some of said caviar)
• The parody of the crying Indian commercial when Zapp throws a can of Slurm on the ground and it rolls towards a martian's feet.
  Leela: They have such respect for the planet.
  Martian: [sniff] Cynthia used to drink Slurm.
• "You must smoke the peace pipe, and you must smoke it peacefully, or we'll kill you."
• Zapp Brannigan meets the Martian Chief:
  Martian Chief: I am Singing Wind, chief of the Martian tribe.
  Zapp Brannigan: Take Me to Your Leader!
  Martian Chief (unamused): ... moving along.
• Bender singing to the tune of Bonanza
  Bender: We've got a right to pick a little fight with rustlers,
  Somebody wants to pick a fight with us,
  He'd better bite my ass!
  Fry: Yee-haw!
• "I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan at your service."
• This gem of Hypocritical Humor:
  Leo Wong (recognizing Martian writing): I know it them 'cause they no use good grammar.
• Bender using dynamite to blow the buggalo out of Olympus Mons' crater.
  Amy: Are you sure there's no other way to get the buggalo out?
  Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.
  Amy: Well, actually—
  Bender: Too late! This is more fun! (detonates dynamite and hundreds of buggalo are blown out of the crater before tumbling about like boulders)
• Leo Wong: Oh, really? Who gonna save us? One-eye? Lobster mooch? Drunken garbage can?
  Hermes: This sounds like a job for—
  Kif: Lieutenant Kif Kroker!
  Hermes: Alright then. (sits down and begins eating chips)
  • Another gem from Hermes:
    Hermes: Mon, it must take forever to brand all those cattle.
    Leo Wong: Not really. We own so much stuff it easier just to brand everything that not ours. (He brands Hermes' briefcase with a "Not Property Of Wongs" brand.)
    Hermes: Please don't do that.

Insane in the Mainframe

• When Fry and Bender's court case starts to go south:
  Hyperchicken: I may be a simple country hyperchicken, but I know when we're finger-licked. What do you say we plead insanity?
  Bender: A few months in an insane asylum? I can do that standing on my head!
  Hyperchicken: If you start now, it might help our case.
• Doing so turns out to be laughably easy:
  Judge Whitey: Counselor, what evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?
  Hyperchicken: Well, for one, they done hired me to represent them.
  Judge Whitey: (immediately slams gavel) Insanity plea is accepted.
• When Fry is in a robot clinic:
  Fry: I'm not a robot like you; I don't like having discs crammed into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth!
• Also:
  Malfunctioning Eddie (trying to sound friendly and polite): Nice to meet you.
  Fry: Actually, we met before.
  Malfunctioning Eddie (with deadly surprise): WHA-(explodes)
  • "I guess his prices really were insane!"
• And:
  Fry: Fear not, for I shall assist ye!
  Hermes: Robots don't say 'ye'!
  Fry: Relax, mammal! My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?
  Hermes: That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
  Fry: I'll show ye!
• The Planet Express hostage situation:
  Roberto: (with knife at Zoidberg's throat) Back off! I've got hostages!
  Zoidberg: Hurray! I'm helping!
  Officer Smitty: Do you have any better hostages?
• From the same scene:
  Roberto: To show them who's crazy, I'll execute some of you. How about you?! (jabs Professor in the throat)
  Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats!
  Leela: Wait! Take me first!
  Bender: Yes! Take her first!
  Roberto: Shut up! Stop tellin' me how to do this!
  • Roberto eventually settles on Bender:
    Roberto: I'm thinkin' of a number between 1 and 10. Guess it, and you die first. Go!
    Bender: Um... okay. Fiftyyy... six, ish?
    Roberto: 56? 56?! Aw, man! Now that's all I can think about! I'mma kill you, you no-good 56-ian! (starts trying to stab Bender, who dodges every attack)
    Bender: Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come down with Stockholm Syndrome! ...Handsome.
• The scene featuring Frankie, a robot with delusions of being a lunchroom worker - so he was put to work in the lunchroom to "cure" him.
  Unit 2013: (humoring him) How is working in the lunchroom, Frankie?
  Frankie: It's alright.
  Unit 2013: Poor Frankie.
• The Lincoln Robot, who has multiple personality disorder. All of his personalities are Abraham Lincoln.
  Lincoln Robot: I was born in 200 log cabins.
• The poor guy who picks up CIA transmissions on his teeth.
  Harsh female voice: The CIA cafeteria menu for the week of May 15th is as follows: Monday, shepherd's pie. Tu- (robot closes his mouth again)
  Unit 2013: Cuckoo!
  • And later, Bender's rigging the teeth to pick up different transmissions.
  Announcer: And down on it stretch, it's Daddy's Little Grandpa is being followed by Perennial Loser, and bringing up the rear, it's Lasty!
  Bender: C'moooon, Lasty!
• The Mad Hatter Robot who shrieks "CHANGE PLACES!" during lunch every so often.
• The crew visiting Fry in the asylum:
  Leela: We've petitioned the governor, but he doesn't want to appear soft of people who've been falsely accused.
  • And the Professor's farewell:
  Professor: Don't worry, Fry, I too once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum. But now it's nearly over! So long.
  • At the start of the visit, Fry reveals that the only reason he hasn't already starved to death is a sick vending-machine robot that keeps coughing up chocolate bars. Said robot immediately does so and Fry then pounces on the bar and eats the whole thing, wrapper and all.
• How the episode ends:
  Bender: Fry, you might be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside, you've got the heart of a robot.
  Fry: Thanks, Bender.
  Bender: Just like inside me, I got the heart of a human! (Bender brings an actual human heart out of his chest cabinet. Everyone reacts in disgust) What? (cut to credits) What?
• Bender and Roberto's escape, including when they try to hop in a plane, only for it to do a complete loop-de-loop and wind up right back in the barn they'd found it in.
• The crew trying to remind Fry he's a human, not a robot.
  Zoidberg: Look, Fry, just because you think you're a robot doesn't make you a robot. I think I'm a doctor, but that doesn't make me one; these fancy clothes do!
  Fry: Negative. I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me?
  Leela: Oh...lots of reasons...
  • Later on, Leela attempts to fix Fry back into a human...
  Leela: I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.
  Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
  Amy: (smacks the Professor)
  Leela: Fry, this...is for you. (administers The Big Damn Kiss)
  (Romantic music. Fry slowly smiles. Cut back and forth to Leela and Fry gazing joyfully into each other's eyes as the music swells to a crescendo.)
  Fry: Beep.
  Leela: Oh, for God's sake!

The Route of All Evil

• The subplot consists of Fry, Leela, and Bender brewing their own beer. Bender's brewing is treated like him expecting a child.
  Bender: I was thinking "Benderbrau" if it's an ale, "Botweiser" if it's a lager.
  Fry: I hope it's a lager so I can take it to a ball game!
  • The hilarity starts when Leela gives Bender the idea that the kids at the orphanarium used to brew beer. As soon as Leela is done explaining, there's a brief burst of choral music. Then Bender's head springs out.
• After Cubert and Dwight prank the crew, Leela becomes a bit distracted;
  Leela: If you were my kids, you'd be getting quite a talking to! ...from your father...(Gets caught up in her fantasy) When he got home from the senate...
• Speaking of Dwight and Cubert pranking the crew, after Hermes and Farnsworth find out they attempt to get their fathers' outrage off them by telling them that Fry, Bender and Leela are making bootleg beer on company property (Bender). Doesn't work.
  Farnsworth: (shocked) Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?! (angrily) That's the last straw!
• "Who's going to use a delivery service with a kicked sign? Nobody, that's who!"
• "This week on The Real World: The Sun!" "AAAAGH, I'M BURNING TO DEATH!" "Tch, do you realize how much an apartment that big would cost on The Sun?"
• The scene when after Hermes tells the crew he will need to start slashing salaries
  Leela: Uh guys, I don't know how to tell you this. So I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly.
  Fry: (cheerfully) We don't work for you anymore!
• This exchange when Dwight and Cubert learn that Fry and Leela are using Bender to brew beer.
  Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
  Fry: No, I'm...doesn't.
  Leela: Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21, it becomes very, very good. So scram!
• Dwight and Cubert asking about the Professor's new machine that changes voices to sound like the Professor's:
  Dwight: What's this device's marketability? Who's its target consumer?
  Professor: There is no "target consumer", only targets! Targets who will tremble in fear as their new masters hand down edicts in my glorious, booming voice!
  • Earlier:
  Cubert (trying the machine out): Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt!
  Professor: I am? That's not good news at all, you little—
• When Hermes and Farnsworth are scolding their kids, Zoidberg walks in to ask a question:
  Zoidberg: What's going on? Is this angry yelling or busted-hearing-aid yelling?
  Hermes: I'm afraid it's both.
  Professor: [shouting] What?
• Scruffy's appearance in the episode:
  Hermes: I don't even know who this guy is!
  Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
  Farnsworth: Yes, of course you are. Now we've got to buckle down and save Planet Express.
  Scruffy: I'm on break. (eats a potato chip very slowly)
• This:
  Hermes: Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg! They've taken over our company!
  Prof. Farnsworth: Balderdash! I never agreed to that!
  Dwight: No. But you did declare yourself dead three years ago as a tax dodge.
  Prof. Farnsworth: Tax dodge, nothing! You take one nap in a ditch at the park and they start declaring you this and that.

Bendin' in the Wind

• Bender and Fry come across a bag of Olestra chips. Bender takes a few bites and promptly releases some Bowel-Breaking Bricks.
• Bender: (singing) Don't melt me down into a crowbar just 'cause I can't use my arms and legs!
• "Fry cracked corn and I don't care! Leela cracked corn, I still don't care! Bender cracked corn and he is great! Take that, you stupid corn!"
• Beck's performance of Sexx Laws ends up running long:
  Beck: That song doesn't usually last 3 hours, but we got into a serious thing... and then I forgot how it ended
• Beck inciting the mob on Bender: "You, minion! Lift up my arm. (The roadie lifts his arm up) AFTER HIM!"
• When Fry, Leela, Amy, and Zoidberg are at Bender's first concert with Beck and beginning their brief time as hippies.
  Barman: Get lost, you money-less hippies!
  Hillbilly Blob Alien: You heard him, freaks. We don't like your type around here. These are the types we like.
  [He holds up a picture of nine different alien species.]
• The ad for Bend-Aid:
  Announcer: This Tuesday, as Golden Gate Park, the monsters of Vaguely-Folkish Alterna-Rock will strum your brains out at BEND-AID!

Time Keeps on Slippin'

• Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. (threateningly) You all still have Zoidberg!
• This scene.
• Hermes has an idea on how to stop the time jumps. One time jump later and everyone is conga dancing naked while Hermes plays the steel drums. Even he admits he doesn't know how this would be of any help.
• "Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits?" (the two kids time-skip, becoming elderly) "I deserve free money!"
• Farnsworth: This will not stand! I'll take you on, you air-balling bozos.
  Bubblegum Tate: You, old man? Sweet Clyde, laugh derisively at him.
  [Sweet Clyde laughs.]
• Leela: Here you go. Hot off the nebula.
  Farnsworth: None too soon. While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference to announce that I was a jive sucker.
• Pretty much all the time skip jokes.
  • "We'll need to gather the finest minds in the univer-" [KZAP]]' (The Professor is surrounded by the Harlem Globetrotters)''
  • "Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so that—" (ZAP) "Off you go, apparently!"
• "I don't know how, but once again you screwed up, Fry. Now all the planets are gonna start cracking wise about our mammas."
  • Hermes' response is pretty good too.
    Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly mama isn't alive to see this day.
    Professor: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes.
• Bubblegum Tate: Whoa. Slow that brain train down, Prof. We'd need some kind of doomsday device to initiate an implosion like that.
  Farnsworth: "Doomsday device"? Ah! Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! [The Professor presses a button and platform filled with menacing looking devices rises out of the floor.] I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
• The gem of a Continuity Nod when the crew wonder how Fry managed to charm Leela:
  Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry?
  Amy: (quietly) Mmm, no.
• The Globetrotters delivering their ultimatum. It's helped by Bubblegum's delivery (and the knowledge that it's a Take That! at some idiot executives)''^note The executives would constantly pester the writers with the question of what was at stake in the episode...so, they made an episode which begins with no stakes at all
  Bubblegum Tate: People of Earth, I am Ethan Bubblegum Tate, commander of the Harlem Globetrotters. For generations, your puny planet has been at peace with the Globetrotter homeworld, but now, for no reason, we challenge you to a game of basketball.
  Fry: What happens if we lose?
  Bubblegum Tate: NOTHING! There is nothing at stake and no threat beyond the shame of defeat!
• Farnsworth: We'll need to speed up their (the atomic supermen) growth with time particles called Chronitons.
  Bender: Aren't those the particles that destroyed an entire civiliza—
  Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You're off to the Tempus Nebula to gather Chronitons!
  • The entire idea of the Harlem Globetrotters being an entire race of genius-intelligence Human Aliens.
• Nixon's check to the Professor and the Globetrotters for the "Bad-Ass Gravity Pump" literally reads "All of Earth's money" on the blank space where the amount in words would be. Also the small box that normally has the amount in numbers just reads "All" instead. No specific numbers at all.
• Bubblegum Tate calling Bender a "silver honky". Doubly funny when you remember that Bender is actually Mexican.
• Marv Albert's head reacting to the first time skip during the basketball game.
  Marv Albert's Head: Something very strange has just occurred in this battle between space clowns and atomic supermen.
• YOU ARE ALL FOOLS OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER!!

I Dated a Robot

• "I'll always remember you, Fry... MEMORY DELETED."
• The crappy Charlie's Angels (Charlie's Angels III, The Legend of Charlie's Gold) movie Fry watches is ridiculously bad.
  (The Angels are in a crypt, standing over a coffin)
  Alex: (in suspiciously wooden tone) No! Don't open that coffin! It's ticking!
  Natalie: I have to Alex! This coffin's not going to open itself!
  (the coffin opens on it's own, and a stereotypical vampire pops up)
  Vampire: Bleugh! (the vampire explodes)
  • "Mister Mayor, if you want to see a real vampire, look in the mirror!" "I can't! I'm a vampire!"
• Tomato in the Mirror meets Godwin's Law in The Scary Door:
  Sam Smith: There's a gremlin destroying the plane! You gotta believe me!
  Croupier: Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!
  Sam Smith / Hitler: No! (camera angle changes to reveal Eva Braun sitting next to him) Eva Braun, help me!
  (Eva Braun reaches up to her head and tears off what turns out to be a mask, revealing she's a bug-monster. Sam Smith, or Hitler, screams. The scene changes to the Planet Express lounge, where the crew are watching)
  Bender: Saw it coming.
• The entirety of the "I Dated a Robot!" PSA.
  Mavis: Billy, do you wanna come over tonight? We can make out together!
  Billy: Gee, Mavis, your house is across the street. That's an awfully long way to go for making out.
  • "The next day, Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens. Can you guess the name of the planet? IT WAS EARTH. DON'T. DATE. ROBOTS."
• When Fry wants to be romantically linked with a celebrity:
  Bender: (pulling a metal pipe out of his cabinet) I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
  Fry: (leaning cheerfully in as Bender raises the pipe) Okay.
• Fry's interactions with the Lucy Liu-bot.
  Fry: Then when I feel so stuffed I can't eat anymore, I just use the restroom, and then I can eat more.
  Lucy Liu robot: You should write a book, Fry. People need to know about the CAN EAT MORE.
  • "Oh, Fry, I love you more than the Moon, and the stars, and the POETIC IMAGE NO. 37 NOT FOUND."
• Bender is annoyed by Fry's relationship with the Lucy Liu-bot.
  Leela: Bender, this is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life.
• When Leela removes Lucy Liu's head from its pedestal, a pressure alarm activates. She replaces her with the head of Madeline Albright, resulting in a Nappster customer downloading her personality into a robot body.
  Customer: Um... are you Lucy Liu?
  [Albright looks around at the romantic candle-lit dinner he has arranged.]
  Albright: ...Sure.
• Fry: You're cute!
  Liubot: You're cute!
  Fry: You!
  Liubot: You!
  Fry: You!
  Liubot: You!
  Fry: You!
  Farnsworth: Oh, dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot! Well, that's love for you.
• Bender's riff on Archie Bunker. Complete with a "stifle yerself" to Leela for good measure.
  Bender: Ah, would'ja stifle yerself there, meatbag?
  Leela: You stifle, Bender.
  Zoidberg: Hooray, you're finally standing up to him!
  Leela: Although he is completely right.
• Fry gets shot down by Leela yet again.
  Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.
  Fry: Everything?... (lowers eyes suggestively)
  Leela: (bluntly) Except that.
• The gang hide from the murderous Liu-bots in the projection room of a theatre, but then...
  Leela: Oh, no! They're forming a human pyramid... of robots!
  Bender: Damn it! We weren't countin' on them being as smart as they sexy!
  Liu's Head: A dangerous mistake to make.
• Three words: THE SPACE POPE.
• Liu's Head explaining to Fry why having the Liu-bot takes a swerve:
  Liu: When you downloaded that robot, you took my image, and in the end that's all I have. ... that and the world's largest gold nugget, one mile in diameter.
  • According to the commentary, on seeing this line, Lucy Liu's only response was "I wish."
• And how the episode ends; After the wave of Liu-bots has been destroyed with the Liu-bot sacrificing herself, Fry takes heart he can always get to know the real Liu, but...
  Bender: Yeah, at our wedding!
  Fry: What?
  Lucy Liu's Head: It's true. Bender and I are in love.
  Fry: But - but-!
  Bender: Don't be a prude, Fry!

A Leela of Her Own

• Bender walking into a changing room and accidentally unplugging the black bar generator.
• The start of the episode is Leela, Bender, and the Professor sitting on the couch while Fry looks out of the window with binoculars:
  Leela: Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.
  Fry: I know, and I've grown to accept that. Now I'm more interested in that new pizza parlor across the street. Kinda makes me pine for my days as a pizza delivery boy. "Here's you pizza," I'd say. "I didn't order any," they'd say. And then I'd be off to my next adventure.
  Leela: That story stunk. Hand me the binoculars.
• The fact that the Mets still suck even after 1000 years is hilarious as long as you're a fan of one of their rivals.
• Hank Aaron XXIV's career was so bad, he managed to have a lifetime batting average of .000.

A Pharaoh to Remember

• "BENDER LIVES LARGE AND KICKS BUTT!" being turned into "BENDER LICKS BUTT" a la the MAD magazine fold-in pages.
• "REMEMBER ME."
• "Ladies and gentlemen, the pharaoh...suddenly died!"
• "The cruelty of the old pharaoh is a thing of the past!" (crowd cheers) "Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land!"
• The surprise funeral they put on for Bender.
  Zoidberg: Oh Danny boy!
  • "Danny Boy?! You're at my funeral singing about some dead stiff named 'Danny Boy'!?"
  • Then Bender throws the bouquet and the professor catches it.
    Amy: I know who's funeral we'll be attending next!
    Farnsworth: Oh, stop!
• The Osirians make Bender their king with a Wall of Prophecy that has hieroglyphics that they decipher to determine their ruler. Naturally, Bender had badly chiseled his writing on the wall to deceive them, so...
  High Priest: The prophecy is strange and crudely drawn at best. It indicates that, we are "here" and our next Pharaoh is over there, near some...tents.
  Bender: [shouting from reeds] Those are waves, jackass. It's supposed to be a river!
  • The Osirian priests reading off the wall before that:
    High Priest: Show us God's will that we may blindly obey!
    Priests: Free us from thought and responsibility.
    High Priest: We shall read things off you!
    Priests: Then do them.
    High Priest: Your words guide us!
    Priests: We're dumb!

Anthology of Interest II

• The immortal line at the end of act 1: "YOU WATCHED IT! YOU CAN'T UN-WATCH IT!"
• Bender says "Being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions, and sometimes, that makes me very sad." (He's tearing up by the end of the sentence.)
  Farnsworth: Oh, lordy-loo, there he goes again. Well, let's give baby what he wants.
• Professor Farnsworth: Eat it, everyone who doesn't have a Nobel Prize! And that includes you... [points in the direction of Zoidberg] ...Amy!
  • ...As the camera scrolls past Zoidberg to show Amy on his other side, bursting into tears.
• Bender coming out of the bathroom being excited about having a poo for the first time.
  Human!Bender: Guy! Guys! You've gotta see this. You're not gonna believe it!
  Leela: Bender, it's OK to be proud but don't be a show-off.
• Bender ending up a gigantically fat blob Wernstrom calls "a bloated man-ball".
  Bender: (to female scientist) C'mere and give old Bender a kiss. Hey, you like grilled cheese?
  (He pulls out a grilled cheese sandwich from under a roll of flab.)
• Human!Bender acknowledging he can't stop his hedonism.
  Human!Bender: GOODBYE, MODERATION!
• The conclusion of "I, Meatbag".
  Wernstrom: When did he die?
  Farnsworth: About twelve hours ago, when the party started.
  Wernstrom: But he just said "Woo!"
  Farnsworth: No, that was just air escaping from the folds of his fat.
  Bender: (when Farnsworth pushes him) Woo!
  Farnsworth:Goodnight, sweet prince. You were the greatest man any of us will ever know. Well, let's get him out of here. He's starting to smell up the joint.
  (They do so)
  Bender: Woo! Woo! Woo! WoooOOOooooooOOOoooo!
• Any part in Fry's segment with General Pac-Man.
• Nixon's address beginning with "good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs as I sign this historic treaty with Ninentdu 64!"
• Ambassador Donkey Kong attacking Nixon's head.
• "I am Lrr, of the planet Ninentdu 64! Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ship!"
• The Space Invaders part, but especially Fry's unorthodox strategy:^note Space Invaders experts will tell you it's actually a bad strategy.
  Fry: Now, watch as I fire upward, through my own shield!
  (everyone else gasps in horror)
  Bender: He's a madman! A maaaaaadmaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
• All of the Wizard of Oz parody. Highlights include:
  • After meeting the Scarecrow (Fry) and the Tin Man (Bender), Zoidberg pulls up in a taxi and says "And I'm the third guy. Courage. Not enough of it."
  • Mom as the Wicked Witch sending her Winged Monkeys out.
    Wicked Witch: Fly, my stupids! Fly out and get them!
    Igner: But mommy, you promised you'd bake monkey cake today.
    Wicked Witch: By "monkey cake" I meant your ass!
  • The "Flying Monkeys" (Walt, Larry, and Igner) pick up everyone but Zoidberg.
    Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something? (sniffs himself, then groans sadly)
  • It then cuts to the witch's castle.
    Leela: Why did you bring us here?
    Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?
  • The Professor giving Zoidberg a gun instead of courage.
    Farnsworth: Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?
    (He hands Zoidberg a gun and he takes it, spins it around on his claw and mimics gunfire.)
    Zoidberg: No, world, you put your hands up!
  • Leela making her wish after putting on the glass slippers.
    Leela: There's no place like...I wanna be a witch!
• The scene after Leela wakes up
  Leela: I was just having the most wonderful dream... except you were there, and you were there and you were there!
  Fry: Never mind professor. She came to!
  Professor: (holding a box that says "Leela's organs") Oh, so close...
  Hermes: There's always next year, professor. There's always next year.

Roswell that Ends Well

• The whole plot is caused when, against the packaging's warning, Fry decides to microwave some stovetop popcorn. When the crew gets sent back in time to 1947, he finds that the popcorn is now an ear of corn.
  Fry: Aw, it's less popped than ever.
  • After realizing that they traveled back in time, Farnsworth deduces that "some idiot must've put metal in the [ship's] microwave," to which Fry nonchalantly admits to (complete with a "Yo!" and a rather bored look on his face).
• Farnsworth tries dissuading Fry from visiting his (supposed) grandfather, Enos Fry, who was stationed at the Roswell Air Force Base in 1947, and explains one of the potential dangers of Fry interacting with Enos:
  Farnsworth: If, for example, [Fry] were to kill [Enos], [Fry] would cease to exist.
  Fry: (Gasp!) But existing is basically all I do!
• Choke on that, causality!
  • Earlier, "Oooh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!"
  • Farnsworth just won't let it go:
    Farnsworth: Well, now everything is back as it was, and if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge?
    Bender: Amen!
• President Truman suggests performing "an old-fashioned alien autopsy" on Zoidberg. How does Zoidberg respond? "HOORAY!"
  • Doctor 1:: Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity.
    Zoidberg: (grabs Doctor's mic) and in this corner, Zoidberg! (laughs) Come on lighten up! What is this, a funeral?
    Doctor 2: (takes out heart) Heart.
    Zoidberg: Take! I've got 4 of them!
    Doctor 1:: Stomach Contents: 1 Deviled Egg. (takes it and puts it in bowl)
    Zoidberg: Deviled Egg? (eats it from said bowl only for the doc to pull it out again)
    Doctor 1:: (sighs) The same deviled egg...
    (Later...)
    (Doctors are cutting something inside Zoidberg with a hacksaw)
    Zoidberg: Wait! Don't cut that! I need that to speak!
    (The doctors pause, then saw faster.)
• Zoidberg in the room with the food...
  Sergeant: This test will determine what, if anything, the alien eats.
  (Zoidberg is funneled into the room.)
  Zoidberg: A buffet! Aw...if only I had my wallet...
  Sergeant: (over intercom) Uh...it's free.
  (Zoidberg shrieks loudly, then gorging sounds are heard, with food splattering against the glass. Then, Zoidberg slaps his open mouth against the glass. The general and the sergeant stare in utter horror.)
  General: ... Get me the president.
  • Not to mention Truman's meeting with Zoidberg...
    Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.
    Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people.
    Truman: Bushwa! Now, what's your mission? Are you planning on making some kind of alien-human hybrid?
    Zoidberg: Are you coming on to me?!
    Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that!
    Zoidberg: (giving Truman a look) I'm not hearing a no...
• "The President is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honor!"
• Truman makes his entrance at the Roswell Air Base by busting out of a crate labeled "Canned Eggs."
• When the military shows Truman the UFO made of Bender's parts we get this exchange:
  General: Mr. President, our men have assembled the parts from the alien ship into its original design.
  Truman: Whistling Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study.
  General: But, sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set.
  Truman: Then we'll have to really land on the moon. Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!
• When Fry's (supposed) grandfather is killed and Fry is meant to cease existing?
  Bender: And you! Are! Outta here!
  • Later in the episode, Leela asks Fry how he can possibly exist now that he's completely bungled his Back to the Future moment.
    Fry: I dunno. Maybe God loves me.
    (Bender bursts into a fit of hysterical funniest-thing-I've-ever-heard laughter)
  • The matter-of-fact way Fry announces this when he and Bender arrive at the diner:
    Leela: Wait a second! There's a microwave radar dish at the army base! We could steal it!
    Farnsworth: No, that would alter history! Above all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve the past exactly as it was!
    Fry: (walking in) Well, I killed my grandfather.
  • Or, later on, when Fry gives Enos the calendar and Enos tries to look at the cowboy picture instead of the girls. Fry's expression is priceless.
    • And of course, when Enos is about to die, he's gone back to the cowboy picture.
  • Fry's reaction when he learns who his grandfather is after he slept with Mildred, Enos's girlfriend, who inexplicably turns into an old lady.
    Fry: It's impossible! If she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather?!
    Farnsworth: Isn't it obvious?!
    Fry: (Shaking his head 'No' in a desperate, begging way)
    Farnsworth: YOU are!
    Fry: (after a dramatic pause) WAAAHHHH!!! (runs around the room, screaming) AAAHHH!!! AAAHHHH!!!
    Old Mildred: (suddenly holding up an ear horn) Did you say something, deary? I'm a bit hard of hearing.
    Fry: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
• The crew discusses repairs:
  Leela: The ship's almost fixed, except the cup-holder, and I should have that online in ten hours.
  Professor: You've got eight!
• On crashing, Leela organizes the workload:
  Okay, here's the plan: Zoidberg, pick up the pieces. Everybody else, take five.

Godfellas

• Bender meets the God-galaxy entity and tells it about how he was God once. The maybe-God delivers the most utterly deadpan praise it can:
  Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
• Fry going to the Gypsy-bot for help finding Bender.
  Gypsy-bot: Oooh, I am your friend, Bonder.
  Fry: Bonder, is that really you?
  Gypsy-bot: Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy ten dollars.
  Fry: Wait a minute! Bender's name isn't Bonder! It's Bender! You're a fraud.
  Gypsy-bot: Look, do you want false hope or not?
  Fry: Only if you don't have any real hope.
• The monks of Theshuba listen to Fry's demands for "one measly lifetime" to search for Bender.
  Monk: He speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love is God.
  Abbot: Ooh, how convenient. A theory about God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!
• Leela forces the monks into the monastery's laundry room. As she does, one mutters "this is the worst craziest sect I've ever been in".
• As Fry searches for Bender, the monks are still in the laundry room.
  Monk: Let us out! We cooked out shoes in the dryer and ate them! Now we're bored!
• The Space Pirates sequence has its share of moments:
  Space Pirate: Too late do I realize that me children are me only real treasures.
  • And:
    Leela: Space pirates!
    Fry: Space pirates?
    Leela: You know. Pirates, but in space.
• A great moment in the middle of a legitimately poignant speech from Fry near the end:
  Fry: [crying] I know he was evil, and on more than one occasion he — he actually stole my blood.

Future Stock

• Fry delivering this gem.
  Fry: I believe I speak for the entire board when I issue this challenge to Mom.
  (Turns around, and presses his ass against the window)
  Fry: Look at my butt! Woo, woo, woo!
  • Leading, too, to Mom angrily demanding that Walt hit "the 'Retaliate' button." When he pauses for a moment, confused by the buttons on the console, she snaps "Any button! They all retaliate!"
  • Even better, Mom isn't disgusted or offended by Fry's act, she's just annoyed by the condition of his butt. "You call that a pressed ham?"
• The Planet Express stockholder meeting doesn't get off to a spectacular start:
  (The Professor's standing on a stage, lit only by the spotlights in front of him)
  Professor: Where am I?
  Hermes: (from behind him) Move forward! Move into the light!
  Professor: Oh, God! I'm dead! ... eh, no matter.
• Some delightful Scruffy humor (context: everyone is voting whether to name the Professor or That Guy CEO):
  Scruffy: Scruffy casts his 40,000 shares for the mysterious stranger.
  Leela: How come you have four times as much stock as the rest of us?
  Scruffy: (tearing up) Scruffy believes in this company!
• Hattie and Hubert's sniping during the entire episode is hilarious.
  Hattie: Enough talk. It's time for action. I move that everyone come to my apartment to snuggle my cat.
  Scruffy: Second.
  Farnsworth: (on mic) I move that your cat stinks and is ugly.
  Scruffy: Second.
  Hattie: I move that we vote on a new chief executive officer and oust this old creep. And also that my cat smells good and is pretty!
  Scruffy (after pondering for a moment): Second.
• That Guy's business mantra: "Sharks don't need necks, 'cuz they don't look back. Anyone who's a sheep is fired!"
  • Zoidberg's question of which one people prefer to hug has That Guy declaring him a shark.
  • "I am proud to be the shepherd to this flock of herd of sharks!"
• Mom's immortal line: "JAM A BASTARD IN IT, YOU CRAP!"
• The reveal as to exactly who owns the majority of PlanEx's (formerly Planet Express) stock.
  Leela: Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?!
  Hermes: The shares were worthless! And he kept asking for toilet paper!
  • Which leads to one of Zoidberg's funniest lines in the whole series:
    Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! (eats the old rotten sandwich in his hand) Oh, I'm ruined!
• Meanwhile, the final .03% of Momcorp's vote is in the hands of Walt, Larry and Igner. Despite the choice being "yes" or "no", Igner still manages to get confused and vote for Pat Buchanan.
  Igner: The ballot was confusing!
  Mom: How 'bout a hand recount?
  Igner: Okay!
  (she slaps him)
• That Guy's Cruel and Unusual Death from boneitis, as he was "too busy being an eighties guy" to cure it.
  That Guy: My only regret... is that I have... boneitis!
• Mom's proposed Due to the Dead when That Guy succumbs to boneitis.
  "Pry out his fillings, feed him to the jackals and let's get on with the sale!"
• At the climax, Fry's dramatic speech, with the stock price of Planet Express displayed behind him, with it dropping with each sentence he says, until he says he's giving up the company to the Professor, where it initially soars upward, then drops down to nothing.

The 30% Iron Chef

• Spargle: Bender, hear me well. I shall train you. But first, you must forget everything you know about cooking.
  [Bender presses a button on his body and a "delete" sound ensues.]
  Bender: Done.
• How Zoidberg manages to stitch Fry up for wrecking the Professor's miniature replica of the universe's largest bottle (which has a ship inside it to keep it from being boring): a t-shirt reading "I hate bottles" and a piece of paper reading "FRY CONFESSES. From the Desk of John Zoidberg, M.D."
  Fry: Well, I don't remember any of that, but I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself.
  • On that note, the fact that Zoidberg's first name is John.
• The Magic Feather gag at the end, where Spargle's secret ingredient turns out to be, "Ordinary water! Laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD."
• Bender delivers his challenge to Elzar.
  Bender: Elzar, I'm a walking pile of your unfinished business! Helmut Spargle has a message for you. He says [hoarse] "Ooh, I'm dead!"
  Elzar: Spargle, huh? What he do, bland himself to death?
  Bender: No. He was eating some food I made and by a crazy coincidence his stomach exploded. Now I'm here to avenge him.
  Elzar: OK, but it seems like you're the one who killed him.
  Bender: Maybe so, but you are his sworn enemy. I challenge you to a battle of the chefs!
  [Bender screws off his own hand, slapping Elzar with it. The onlookers gasp with shock.]
  Customer: Scandalous!
• Zoidberg trying to fix the Professor's ship in a bottle with superglue, which results in Zoidberg spraying superglue all over himself. Then as he fumbles around in panic, all sorts of random items around the room get stuck to his clothes. He then shows up wearing a large coat with the various objects visibly poking from under it. Behind his head is a cuckoo clock, which then goes off, hitting him in the face.
• Bender's stationary:
  A NOTE FROM BENDER
  A RANSOM NOTE FROM BENDER
  A PLEA FOR ATTENTION FROM BENDER

  I AM COMMITTING SUICIDE ✖;

  I AM GETTING A TATTOO ✖;

  I AM RUNNING AWAY ✔;

  AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT ✔;

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