Professor Farnsworth: Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline your offer of marriage. For, you see, I'm dying. (reads directions as lines)Cough, then fall over dead.(remains standing and smiles at the camera)
Zoidberg: My god, he's dead. (Farnsworth checks his own pulse)
The wonderful Brick Joke about the Crushinator, when after being absent for a few minutes, Bender returns fleeing from the farmer.
Farmer: Had to come back for the Crushinator, eh robot?
Fry suggests dumping the crate in the sewer and saying they delivered it, Bender says it would be too much work, and suggests burning it, then saying they dumped it in the sewer.
"It's just like the story of the Grasshopper and the Octopus. All year long the Grasshopper worked hard, gathering acorns for winter, while the Octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then winter came and the Grasshopper died and the Octopus ate all his acorns, and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?"
While each and every part of the episode "A Flight to Remember" was good in its own way, an especially funny one is when the robot Countess got sucked into the black hole. Just the way it looked when it happened was hilarious. Plus that little bit of computer terminology before that was pretty funny, too.
Countess: Don't worry, Bender. It'll hurt for a while, but you'll be able to share your love again. After all, it's shareware.
After having sex with Leela:
Zapp: "Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men!"
Zapp Brannigan: Have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: The boy, sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You. You lay out my formal shorts.
In "Fear Of A Bot Planet", the utterly bizarre chaos that ensues when one of the balls goes into a hole in the field during a Blernsball game. Numerous balls get shot onto the field at high speeds, a player rides a TRON-esque motorbike over the bases (which then explode), and a giant tarantula is ridden on to the field by a player. Even better is the fact that the whole mess was predated by this exchange:
Fry: Hey I'm starting to get the hang of this game! The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right?
Leela: Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish.
I would like to posit: "And thus, Metal Man defeated Meat Man. The End!"
Leela: Hey, hold on, I understand these robots hate humans, but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?
Farnsworth (dismissively): They're not fans.
On the Robot Planet, Fry and Leela come up with answers to the two Guard Robots' test to see if they are robot or human.
Guard Robot #1: Halt!
Guard Robot #2: Be you robot... (leans menacingly forward)... or human''?
Leela: Robot, we be.
Fry: Uh, yep! Just two robots... robot-ting it up! (does a failed attempt at "The Robot") Heh?
Guard Robot #1: Administer the test.
(Guard Robot #2 lumbers forward, then)
Guard Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A) a puppy, B) a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C) a large, properly formatted, data file?
Guard Robot #1 (forcefully): CHOOSE!
(Fry and Leela mull over the options for a few seconds in low whispers)
Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?
Guard Robot #2 (deeper, more electronic): NO! IT IS THE BAD KIND OF PUPPY!
Leela: Then we'll go with that data file.
Guard Robot #2: Correct.
Guard Robot #1: The flower also would have been acceptable.
When being menaced by the Robot Elders:
Fry: Take one more step, and I'll breathe fire on you!
Leela: He'll do it! He's crazy!
(The robo elders stare blankly, before gathering in a huddle)
Robot Elder: Can they really breath fire, or did we make that up?
Robot Elder 2: Gee, I can't remember anymore. Though it might just be from that stupid movie.
Robot Elder 3: Was that the original or the remake?
Robot Elder 2: I don't- (notices Fry, Leela and Bender are escaping) HEY, they're getting away!
From the episode "A Fishful Of Dollars" after going over to the bank to get some money for Bender's bail, Fry discovers his interest has added up over 1000 years, giving him 4.3 billion dollars. He stands quietly for a second, starts breathing heavily, and finally stars frothing at the mouth, collapsing and suffering from a seizure.
When Fry becomes a millionaire, he starts buying things from the 20th century. Leela expresses concern, but Bender shrugs her off.
Bender: Ah, leave him alone, Leela. So he's going a little wacko with his money, that's okay.
Leela: You're just saying that because he bought you that antique robot toy.
Bender: Heh heh. (Toy is revealed to be Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots) Yeah, it is cute...
(Bender makes the red robot punch the blue, causing blue's head to fly up. Bender clutches his neck and screams.)
Leela: What's behind that door? Is it the secret ingredient? Grunka Lunkas: (singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient, you should not ask about the secret ingredient. Bender: Okay, okay, we get the point. Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards. Grunka Lunkas: (singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards- Bender: SHUT THE HELL UP!
Glurmel: There will be no further questions! Fry: Why?
The fiddle contest from "Hell is Other Robots". Leela performs horribly, only to take the fiddle and hit the Robot Devil over the head with it. His high-pitched girly scream is unexpected and hysterical. He repeats it when Leela has to drop the solid gold fiddle from above and it falls on his head yet again.
Pretty much all of "Anthology of Interest I", but particularly the Impulsive Leela episode. The best line is at the end after Fry and Leela have slept together.
Leela: So, Fry, what do you think of the impulsive new me?
Fry: I like it.
Leela: Good. Now let me just get the lights.(evil look right before the lights go out)
Fry: (screams)(pause) I really like it.
Farnsworth: (after Leela pushes him into a killer anteater pit) You've killed me!
Leela: Oh God, what have I done?!
Farnsworth: I just told you! You've killed me!
Any of the scenes were Leela kills a co-worker in that episode:
Hermes: What's that you're hacking off? Is it my torso? (thump) Aagh! It is! My precious torso!
YOU WATCHED IT! YOU CAN'T UN-WATCH IT!
From "The Deep South," after Bender receives a suitcase from a random stranger in the middle of the ocean: "Hey, guess what you're all accessories to?"
"Well, at least I'll die with my friends. (beat) Where is everybody?"
"I'm almost done reconfiguring the ship's propulsion system. We can leave as soon as the paper-mache is dry."
Quickly followed by:
Leela: Where's Fry?
Bender: I didn't kill him. Professor?
Professor Farnsworth: No, I've been busy.
Leela's diagnosis of Fry:
Leela: It's ocean madness alright. Sailors call it aqua-dementia, the deep-down crazies, the wet willies...
(The rest of the crew leave the room, having stopped listening to Leela)
Leela: ...The screaming moist.
In the underwater Atlanta episode, anything involving Zoidberg's 'house' and its absolute refusal to conform to physics, from it being Bigger on the Inside to when it burns down underwater. Hermes complains about the blatant disregard for reality.
(Bender plucks a lit cigar from the burnt husk of Zoidberg's house and keeps puffing on it. And blows out a smoke ring.)
Hermes: That just raises further questions!
Dr. Zoidberg: (wearing a giant conch shell) Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!"
Deep South is full of hilarious moments, such as when the Professor accidentally sprays himself with fish pheromones...
Zoidberg: I'm so in to you... *starts sucking on the Professor's bald head*
Farnsworth: (disgusted, or is he?) Oh MY.
"I can't swallow that!" "Well good news! It's a suppository."
"This is uncomfortable and humiliating; now if they could put it in the form of a suppository..."
Fry: How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?
Professor Farnsworth: Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one.
"He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness."
From "The Cryonic Woman", in which Bender and Fry take the Planet Express ship on a joyride:
Bender: Hey Fry! I'm steering with my ass.
Fry: That's the best thing I ever saw.
Let's not forget this gem from the same episode, when the main crew is mulling in the park over what to do upon being fired:
Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not Veterans.
Fry: Well, what would you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!
From "A Head in the Polls":
Richard Nixon gets inaugurated President of Earth. The first thing he does it start tear-assing around Washington in his new war machine body. "WHO'S KICKING WHO AROUND NOW?!" Funniest bit, though, is when he marches up to the White House, shouts, "Knock, knock!" and smashes through the wall, leaving a three-story tall hole.
Morbo: Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg President. May death come swiftly to his enemies.
From the same episode
George Washington's head: So, telleth, Bender. What hath happened to your body?
Jack Johnson: It's time someone had the courage to stand up and say: "I'm against those things that everybody hates"!
John Jackson: Now I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man but, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!
Proving that a millenium hasn't improved Nixon's skill for televised debate:
Morbo: If you saw delicious candy in the hands of a small child, would you seize and consume it? Jack Johnson: Unthinkable! John Jackson: I wouldn't think of it! Morbo: And what about you, Richard Nixon? I remind you that you are under a truth-o-scope. Nixon (sweating profusely): Uhh... well, the question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy, or... whether anyone is watching... (wipes brown) In any case, I certainly wouldn't harm the child. (Truth-o-scope goes nuts)
"A Head In The Polls" has Bender sell his body, with gut-bustingly funny results. When he's outside the pawn broker however tops the lot.
"I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves." * As a dog starts sniffing him.* "No! Wait! I'll give you five bucks to not do what you're thinking about doing!" * Dog cocks his leg as the camera pans up.* "Heh, heh. You just lost five dollars."
In a fit of depression, Bender is locked in a bathroom, disassembling himself and flushing his parts down the toilet while a panicked Fry pounds on the door and calls to him frantically. As the last of Bender is swept away, Fry breaks the door open and cries out one of the best non-sequiturs ever:
Fry: Bender!! Have you seen my sombrero!?
"Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love". Anything involving Claw-plach. But if I had to pick one thing it would have to be the Decapodian national anthem...
"YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD!"
"Yo-yo-yo! Wassup! Wassup! Give up the rock!"
Zoidberg: I choose [to fight with]] my own two claws! I want the pleasure of chopping Fry right here, (points to Fry's neck) in the gonads!
Fry: (whispering) Shhh! Nobody correct him!
In How Hermes Requisitioned his Groove Back everyone is shocked that he is going to jump to his death and protests. Everyone that is, except Bender. "Do a flip!"
Really the whole episode, but there's one in about the middle that's especially worth mentioning.
Fry: Let's go get Bender back!
Leela: Well, those arguments aside, we're still going.
From the same episode:
Bender: Morgan made me walk the Professor. There we were in the park when suddenly some old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked the Professor at her but she kept coming. So I had to hit her with this purse I found. Ah, the point is, it's Morgan's fault. That pencil-pushing scazwag. * Leela gestures him to shut up* Why, if she were here, I'd— Uh-oh, is she behind me?
* He feels behind his head*
Morgan: No. I'm in front of you.
Farnworth's response to Hermes showing up to save the day.
Farnsworth: Dammit Hermes, just jump already, stop hogging that healthy liver.
When Kiff is forced to bathe Zapp Brannigan's back: "Lower...lower...lower...lower...TOO LOW! ...lower."
Leela (War is the H Word): "My friends always die if I'm not around to save them." (Fry nods in agreement).
Scalpel! (cuts something) Blood bucket! (puts it under the patient) Priest! Next patient!
On a planet with extreme gravity:
Zapp: Let me ask you a serious question, Leela: does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine...
There's this beautiful gem in "The Lesser Of Two Evils": Whilst Fry, Bender and Leela are on their joy-ride in the car, the scene cuts to a music hall where a line of robots are doing the can-can. Cue the car suddenly crashing through, knocking a leg off each robot. The robots then proceed to kick up their remaining leg, somehow remaining up in the air for a moment, before all crashing to the floor and breaking.
From "Put Your Head on my Shoulder", Valentines day gives Bender a business idea:
Bender: Wait. You mean people would pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I...
The following lines are especially funny if you're female, seeing as it's pretty much a stock exchange among a lot of us:
Guard #1: How Tonk look?
Guard #2: Tonk look good. Me fat.
Guard #1: No, you look good. Tonk fat.
I met her in a club down in old Soho. Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca Cola. C-O-L-A. Cola. She walked up to me and asked me to dance. I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said...
LEEE-LAH! L-E-E-L-A, LEEE-LAH!
Chef: He sickens me!
"This one's like a summer guy!"
"The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it."
Leela: "What planet is this, anyway?"
Zapp: "I 'unno. This whole sector is uncharted."
Kif: "It's not uncharted, you lost the chart!"
Zapp's pick-up lines: "If I said you have a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?" and "I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies."
Zapp: We need rest...the spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised...
And before that, the looks on Zap's, Fry's and Kif's faces when they learn they're sentenced to death by "snu-snu", Zap and Fry switching from looks of abject horror to expectant glee.
Zapp: (to Kif) What are you, gay?
Fry defending his lady's honor in "Parasites Lost"
Fry: That jerk! No one hoots at my captain unless they're prepared to take it to the next level!
(rolls up his sleeves)
Leela: Fry, please. That's sweet, but I'd rather not even dignify them with an ass-whooping.
Sal: Hey, sexy mama! Let's get busy and freaky in that order!
Fry: Hey, Jumbo! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love to you?
Sal: Eh, I gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck-stop chick.
Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck-stop chick!
Sal: Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me.
Fry: She does too! She's got plenty of meat! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow!
Earlier in the spaceship station (the equivalent of a truck stop) sequence, Bender is fueling up on ethanol (as he's a robot and runs on alcohol) and lights a cigar. Next we see is Leela working the dipstick back into the Planet Express Delivery Ship, an explosion, and Bender's severed head just barely missing Leela's, while Bender's shouts a desperate, "Comin' through!"
While the crew traverses Fry's body:
Leela: Has anyone seen Zoidberg?
Zoidberg comes in riding a spermatozoon like it's a bronco
Zoidberg: You'll never guess where I've been!
The race against time to get the parasitic worms out of Fry's body, with the professor commenting that they could be so ingrained in Fry that "not even Hermes' jerked prunes could get them out!" Hermes, without missing a beat, responds, "I call it Caribbean Drain-O."
Professor: Listen, this will be one hell of a bowel movement. He'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
Zoidberg: We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera.
After meeting the Scarecrow (Fry) and the Tin Man (Bender), Zoidberg pulls up in a taxi and says "And I'm the third guy. Courage. Not enough of it."
The "Flying Monkeys" pick up everyone but Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something? (sniffs himself, then groans sadly)
It then cuts to the witch's castle.
Leela: Why did you bring us here? Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?
From "The Luck of the Fryrish":
Amy's Mom: We just put out our best jockey out to stud, Amy. He's perfect for you!
Jockey (no taller than 3 feet): Hey baby, ever do it in a suitcase?
(As Bender is rigging the race via administering sedatives to horses in the stable)
Wong Jockey: Hey! What are you doing?!
Bender: This. (Uses the sedative device on the jockey himself, knocking him out)
Futurama also had the occasional joke based on science that were quite rewarding. First, "The Luck of the Fryish" on the uncertainty principle:
Race Track Announcers: And the winner, in a quantum finish, is...
Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the result by measuring it!
Speaking of horse races, there's also this exchange:
Leela: How'd you do, Fry?
Fry: I'll tell you when my horse finishes. *beat* Bad.
After failing to find Fry's lucky clover in the record vault in his old house:
Fry: Everything else in here held up okay.
Bender:(holding up the album) Except Sports by Huey Lewis.
From "Insane in the Mainframe":
Judge: What evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?
Chicken Lawyer: Well, for one, they done hired me to represent them.
Judge: (Gavel slams) Insanity plea accepted.
When Fry is in a robot clinic:
Fry: I'm not a robot like you; I don't like having discs crammed into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth!
Malfunctioning Eddie(trying to sound friendly and polite): Hello there, roommate. Nice to meet you. Fry: Actually, we met before. Malfunctioning Eddie(with deadly surprise): WHA-(explodes)
"I guess his prices really were insane!"
Fry: Fear not, for I shall assist ye!
Hermes: Robots don't say 'ye'!
Fry: Relax, mammal! My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?
Hermes: That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
Fry: I'll show ye!
The Planet Express hostage situation:
Roberto: (with knife at Zoidberg's throat) Back off! I've got hostages! Zoidberg: Hurray! I'm helping! Officer Smitty: Do you have any better hostages?
From the same scene:
Roberto: Okay, to show 'em who's crazy, I'm gonna execute some of you. Maybe you! (jabs Professor in the throat) Professor: Aaaaow! That's going to bleed when my heart beats! Leela: No! Take me first! Bender: Yes! Take her first! Roberto: Sh-shut up! Stop tellin' me how to do this!
The scene featuring Frankie, a robot with delusions of being a lunchroom worker - so he was put to work in the lunchroom.
Unit 2013: (humouring him) How is working in the lunchroom, Frankie?
Frankie: It's alright.
Unit 2013: Poor Frankie.
The Lincoln Robot, who has multiple personality disorder. All of his personalities are Abraham Lincoln.
Lincoln Robot: I was born in 200 log cabins.
"BENDER LIVES LARGE AND KICKS BUTT!" being turned to "BENDER LICKS BUTT" a la the MAD magazine fold-in pages.
Earlier, "Oooh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!"
From "Roswell That Ends Well", President Truman suggests performing "an old-fashioned alien autopsy" on Zoidberg. How does Zoidberg respond? "HOORAY!"
Doctor 1:: Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity.
Zoidberg:(grabs Doctor's mic) and in this corner, Zoidberg! (laughs) Come on lighten up! What is this, a funeral?
Doctor 2:(takes out heart) Heart.
Zoidberg: Take! I've got 4 of them!
Doctor 1:: Stomach Contents: 1 Deviled Egg. (takes it and puts it in bowl)
Zoidberg: Deviled Egg? (eats it from said bowl only for the doc to pull it out again)
Doctor 1:: (sighs) The same deviled egg...
(Later...) (Doctors are cutting something inside Zoidberg with a hacksaw) Zoidberg: Wait! Don't cut that! I need that to speak! (The doctors pause, then saw faster.)
From the same episode, Zoidberg in the room with the food...
Scientist: This test will determine what, if anything, the alien eats. (Zoidberg is funneled into the room.) Zoidberg: A buffet! Aw...if only I had my wallet... Scientist: (over intercom) Uh...it's free. (Zoidberg shrieks loudly, then gorging sounds are heard, with food splattering against the glass. Then, Zoidberg slaps his open mouth against the glass.)
Not to mention Truman's meeting with Zoidberg...
Truman: If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender. Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people. Truman: Bushwa! Now what's your mission? Are you planning on making some kind of alien-human hybrid? Zoidberg: Are you coming on to me?! Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that! Zoidberg: (giving Truman a look) I'm not hearing a no...
"The President is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honor!"
Truman makes his entrance at the Roswell Air Base by busting out of a crate labeled "Canned Eggs."
When Fry's grandfather is killed and Fry is meant to cease existing?
This exchange from "The Cyber House Rules" is utterly hilarious (especially Fry's epic "YAAAY!!!").
(on the subject of adopting a mutant girl) Leela: She doesn't need an operation! She's fine the way she is! Adlai: Oh, and I suppose you were fine the way you were? Leela: Damn right I was! Fry: YAAY!!! Leela: Shut up, Fry. Now look, Adlai. I'm proud to be different. And I just wished I'd realised that when I was her age. Sally: I also have a tail!
This whole exchange when Fry tries to convince Leela not to get her phaser eye surgery to look normal:
Fry: Why would you want to be normal? You're better than normal. You're abnormal and that's what makes you great! Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage, and does.
Zoidberg: Damn right!
Fry: The Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.
Farnsworth: * cackles insanely*
Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars.
Amy: * drops her wineglass* Floop!
Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
Hermes: Tally me banana!
Farnsworth: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
Fry: I already did!
Followed by that other guy saying he wants to have kids, Leela tells him it's the most beautiful thing she's ever heard, and...
Zoidberg: WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP! * sprays ink all over Leela*
When Bender is on his way to be executed for crimes against humanity (done while taking the place of Robo-Santa), he's escorted past other prisoners:
Robot he passes: Hey buddy! When you see the Robot Devil tell him I'm a-comin'! (Bender walks to the next cell over, which contains...the Robot Devil.) Bender: Hey, that guy told me to tell you— Robot Devil: I heard him!
The part in "A Tale of Two Santas" when most of the cast claims to be Robot Santa in order to save Bender's life. All except Zoidberg who completely misses the point. "And I'm his friend Jesus!"
"None of you are Santa! You're not even robots! How dare you lie in front of Jesus?!"
"It's the real Santa! Get him, Jesus!" "I help those who help themselves!"
Fry delivering this gem from "Future Stock".
Fry: I believe I speak for the entire board when I issue this challenge to Mom.
(Turns around, and presses his ass against the window)
Fry:Look at my butt! Woo, woo, woo!
More Scruffy humor (context: everyone is voting whether to name the Professor or That Guy CEO):
Scruffy: Scruffy casts his 30,000 shares for the mysterious stranger.
Leela: How come you have three times as much stock as the rest of us?
Scruffy: (tearing up) Scruffy believes in this company.
Hattie and Hubert's sniping during the entire episode is hilarious.
Hattie: Enough talk. It's time for action. I move that everyone come to my apartment to snuggle my cat.
Farnsworth:(on mic) I move that your cat stinks and is ugly.
Hattie: I move that we vote on a new chief executive officer and oust this old creep. And also that make cat smells good and is pretty.
In "Godfellas", Bender meets the God-cloud entity and tells it about how he was God once. The God-cloud delivers the most utterly deadpan praise it can:
Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
Any of Zapp's attempts to impart romantic advice surely qualify. From "Where the Buggalo Roam":
Zapp: Remember, Kif; the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.
This is even more hilarious after seeing "Zapp Dingbat".
The sign in front of Amy's parents' house reads, "You've come to the Wong place".
"I'll never forget you, Fry... MEMORY DELETED."
"The Route of All Evil" has a subplot consisting of Fry, Leela, and Bender brewing their own beer. Bender's brewing is treated like him expecting a child.
"Time Keeps on Slippin'" has a few.
Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. (threateningly) You all still have Zoidberg!
Professor Moriarty: "Right-o, gents, it's another simulation gone mad, so murder and mayhem, standard procedure."
"Real holographic simulated evil Lincoln is BAAAAAAAACK!!!"
From the same scene:
Zapp Brannigan: Listen up, history's greatest villain, get back in the shed or I start blasting!
Attila the Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!
Zapp Brannigan: Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun!
From the same episode, at the baby shower, Amy leaves in tears and Kif tries to stop her. In the next shot, Kif's face is shown while a squelching sound and baby-like crying is heard. The shot pans to show that Zoidberg was doing the crying.
Kif's reaction (the one anyone would have in that situation) when Zap is ruled out as the father is gold.
Oh, thank you merciful God.
After the ceremony:
Grand Midwife: I will now take my leave! I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore!
Kif's attempt to 'pluck the moon from the sky' for Amy whilst they're in the holo-shed, ending up with Kif falling in the sea, and the Moon dropping on his head.
"You can crush me but you can't crush my spirit!" [Gets crushed by a giant claw] "Agh, my spirit!!"
Ah yes, good ol' man! Staunch defender (and even flaunter) of all practically any rights whatsoever!
Zoidberg: He defended my freedom when no one else would. He was a good and honorable man.
Old Man Waterfall: I request a Satanic funeral.
Old Man Waterfall's comeback when Bender questions his defending Zoidberg.
:Bender: You wanna defend Zoidberg? Are you aware of the old robot saying "Does Not Compute"?
:Old Man: Son, to me a robot's nothin' more than a garbage can with sparks comin' out of it.
This exchange from "Where No Fan Has Gone Before":
William Shatner: Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy?
Leonard Nimoy: You mean Doohan?
(They both chuckle.)
Shatner: Whoever it was, I did it like this. (Throws shoe. It hits George Takei in the face.)
Shatner:(Hopping) My foot's cold.
This exchange in that episode between Shatner and Takei:
Shatner: And then, George, you hit him with a karate chop. Takei: I find that offensive. Just because I'm of Japanese ancestry, you assume I know karate. Have I ever led you to believe I have studied karate? Shatner: Well, no... but you never talk about yourself. Takei: Maybe if you showed a little interest...
When Melllvar is trying to get an autograph from George Takei:
Melllvar: Melllvar has three Ls. Takei: I think I've been to enough conventions to know how to spell "Melllvar".
Nichelle Nichols' utterly deadpan and disgusted reading of Uhura's "romantic" lines with Melllvar.
All of Walter Koenig's reactions to being asked to "speak Russian." No exceptions.
Most of what Melllvar says, really.
Melllvar: Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures of the Enterprise crew rained down upon my planet. Over and over I watched them, especially the five with the energy beings. I AM MELLLVAR! SEER OF THE TAPES! KNOWER OF THE EPISODES! TREMBLE BEFORE MY ENCYCLOPAEDIC KNOWLEDGE OF STAR TREK! or this exchange:
Melllvar: In order to test who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion, I will pit you in armed combat... TO THE DEATH! collective gasp Bender: Where would you get an idiotic idea like that? Melllvar: Episodes 19, 27, 45 and 76. Fry: Great list. Except, you forget episode 66! HAHAHA! Melllvar: (Barely suppressing rage) Urgh, uh, I WAS GETTING TO THAT ONE! GRAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Blows up Welshy's corpse)
Walter Koenig: How can you do a spoken-word version of a rap song?
Melllvar (completely awed): He found a way.
The following exchange
Bender: Can people who hate Star Trek leave? Koening: Good question! Melllvar: No, they have to stay even longer! Bender and Koenig: AWWW!
The response to Melllvar telling the cast they're not acting "hard enough."
Nimoy: Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill because I respected him so much. Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a magnificent performance out of me, because I respected me so much!"
Fry: Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life! You can do anything you want! Look at Walter Koening: After Star Trek, he became an actor. Koening: Not just an actor, but a well rounded person! With my own friends, and credit cards, and keys...
In general, every Take That against excessive Star Trek fans. One of the funniest is the very reason why the series was banned in the first place: fans grew from "a loose association of nerds with skin problems to a full-blown religion". Said religion started overtaking most countries on Earth, causing the government to ban the series and execute every Trekkie "in the manner most befitting virgins" (throwing them into a volcano and declaring He's Dead, Jim).
"Crimes of the Hot": The gang trying to cool off during a very hot, summer day. They build themselves an instant(!) above-ground swimming pool, complete with chlorine treated water (and dead leaves floating around inside). But before anyone can jump in, in comes Nibbler, who drinks all the pool water in a heartbeat, and then belches out a cloud of noxious, chlorine gas that makes everyone pass out. Except Bender. But he doesn't have it any better:
Bender: Look, I enjoy life and its pleasures as much as anyone here, except perhaps you, Hedonismbot. [Hedonismbot eats grapes in a very sloppy manner.] But we need to be shut off, especially you, Hedonismbot!
Hedonismbot: I apologize for nothing!
Bender sucker punching Preacher Bot when The Professor shows up to explain his plan to save the robots and the world.
From "The Sting":
Leela: What's the mission?
Farnsworth: Collecting honey. Ordinary honey.
Leela: That doesn't sound so dangerous.
Farnsworth: This is no ordinary honey!
Farnsworth: It's produced by vicious space bees. A single sting of their hideous neurotoxin can cause instant death!
Hermes: And that's if you're not allergic! You don't wanna know what happens then, oh no no, God no.
Farnsworth: Your insides with boil out of your eye sockets like a science fair volcano!
Hermes:I didn't want to know! *sobs*
Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks! And twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big's the honeycomb?
Hermes: Honeycomb's big, yeah yeah yeah!
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes: No, no no!
Leela: "In my dream, Fry said he hid a gift from me in his locker. If it's true, then he must still exist in some form."
Farnsworth: "Of course he still exists. As a frozen corpse in outer space!" * chuckles* "Oh.. I made myself sad."
Not to mention "I'll find Fry's corpse and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's dead! That'll prove I'm not insane!"
One of my favorite Bender lines of the entire series happens as everyone discovers that Leela has awakened from her coma -
Bender: "You were in the best coma I've ever seen!"
"The Sting" gives the world one of the best Leela lines: "Burn on that old crew! The only things they did better than us were suck and die!"
The Beast With A Billion Backs, involving Bender's Deal with the Devil: Bender is seeking an Army of the Damned to Take Over the World, and is asked to sacrifice his first-born son. He heads off and sees his son playing ball. Emotional music swells, the kid sees him and cries "Daddy! I knew you'd come back!" Cue Bender walking back into Robot-Hell with the child over his shoulder, saying "Here ya go!" and punting it into a pit of lava. The whole joke starts and ends in about 20 seconds, but is hilarious.
Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain! How scared should we be?
Farnsworth: Somewhere between 'not at all' and 'entirely'.
Zoidberg: I call entirely! *freaks out*
Bender: I feel awed, and strangely humbled by this momentous occasion. *few seconds later* Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal.......*screams and sends the Planet Express crew flying while shitting bricks*
The first argument between Farnsworth and Wernstrom: "Don't listen to that crackpot!" "But I'm agreeing with you!"
Farnsworth is on the phone with Wernstrom:
Farnsworth: Hermes! Hang up on him in the rudest manner possible!
Hermes:[pulls down his trousers, grabs the phone between his ass cheeks, and raises it.]
Wernstrom: NO! Not the crack slam!
MY LEG FEELS FUNNY!
Don't forget: "MY LEG FEELS BETTER!"
WHACK THE BOTTLE!
And the League of Robots chanting like college freshmen: "DRINK THE FLAGON! DRINK THE FLAGON!"
Bender comparing the League of Robots initiation to med school
The Enema Bot from The Beast With a Billion Backs, equipped with a rubber glove, a douche, a syringe, a thermometer, and a gasoline nozzle with which to dispense enemas of hot coffee. Fry orders one to go, and gets a cup with a long nozzle affixed to the top.
Warning: the enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.
Pretty much anything said by the Grand Midwife/Priestess/Funeral Director/Lunchlady/Butterfly Curator in her three appearances. One standout is in Kif and Amy's Fon-Fon-Rubok ceremony. "You may now eat the snake-". Kif and Amy both take bites out of the two-headed snake she hands them. "-if you so choose. It's not part of the ceremony, I just had an extra snake".
During Beast With A Billion Backs, after Bender decides he's going to stalk Calculon:
Calculon: [after noticing that Bender's in his bed] ... Who are you?
Bender: Bender. Your biggest fan.
Calculon: Are you going to murder me?
Bender: Mm... Unlikely. In my mind we're friends! This diorama proves it, see?
Calculon: Sir, your derangement is impressive. I'm appointing you my official stalker.
Bender: You shan't be disapponted. Pleasant dreams.
Lights go off
Bender's eyes telescope out to stare at Calculon's face from an inch away, and even closer when Calculon notices it.
Everything about Kif's death and funeral is pure Black Comedy, but the crowner has to be when some of Kif's blood ends up on Zapp's sandwich. Zapp eats it without realizing it, and loves it.
There's also this exchange when Bender sees Amy crying:
Bender: What's her problem ? Somebody died or somethin' ?
Leela: Kif's dead, Bender.
Bender: *fist pumps* Nailed it !
During Amy and Kif's Fonfon Rubok, Inez Wong accidentally squashes one of the flies that make up Kif's father. We then get this exchange:
Kif's Father: Welcome.
Inez: Sorry. I guess you got plenty of bugs to spare, though, huh ?
Kif's Father:That was my left testicle.
Bender: And the awkward-meter goes up another notch ! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding !
Part of Bender's Game involves Bender in a mental institution for robots. There's one absolutely hilarious moment when another robot is smashed to pieces and Rosie, the robot maid from The Jetsons, starts cleaning it up and mutters to herself:
Rosie: Everything must be clean, very clean. That's why the dog had to die, it was a very dirty dog. Also that boy Elroy. Dirty, dirty.
Also in the Asylum the group change places, then Bender starts having a breakdown
Dr. Perceptron: You are suffering a breakdown. Now stop. Hammer time.[a hammer comes downs and destroys his glass head] I am in your seat. I forgot we had changed places.
The part where the crew takes a shower together, and Leela is still ticked off after being insulted by rednecks and vouches to join the demolition derby to get back at them. Fry protests:
Leela: But we have no choice. Rednecks insulted us!
Fry: So? Let it go. Don't let your temper get the better of...
Leela:[Grabbing Fry and shaking him senseless.] RRREEDNNNECKS!
Leela: Is that a hobbit?
Bender: No, it's a hobo and a rabbit, but they're making a hobbit.
From Into the Wild Green Yonder, the manner in which Bender wins the poker tournament
The massive head of Penn Jillette: I DON'T BELIEVE IT! Bender has been dealt the KING OF BEERS, a coaster which got mixed into the deck. BUT IT STILL COUNTS!
Also from Into the Wild Green Yonder, it's Tickle Me Bender!
Tickle me Bender: Heheheh, quit touching my junk, pervert!
The Professor talking about how men enjoy things that are bigger.
Leela: I still don't see why you men can't be happy with regular sized miniature golf.
Farnsworth: Leela, evolution has programmed our fabulous male brains to take anything anybody else thinks is important and make it bigger. (starts drinking from a 128 oz. cup) Have you seen my new 301 inch TV? (turns on a giant TV showing Everybody Loves Hypnotoad)
TV: Hypnotoad is brought to you by the MagnaPhallix] three hundred two inch TV. It's bigger!
Farnsworth: Aw HELL!(throws giant cup at the TV, breaking it)
As Fry is reading mind after mind to find the Dark One, Snoop Dogg's thoughts: "Nakedladiesnakedladiesnakedladies..."
The bit in "The Mutants are Revolting" wherein the crew has to deliver a nitro glycerin-laden souflee to a rich old woman. Cut to the ship flying through an asteroid field, as we see the thre crew being rocked about wildly... save Bender, whose gyros have him bending forwards and backwards in all directions.
From "The Mutants Are Revolting":
Leela: Now I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole. Oh sorry.
Leela's Mother: Its okay, with you here, it can be more of a regular hole.
The Duh-Vinci Code gives us this classic:
Leonardo Da Vinci: "Let's see who's laughing when my doom's day device chops off-a yo face!"
In one of those lovely pieces that goes right from heartwarming to hilarious, the end of "The Duh-Vinci Code"
Fry: I may not be clever, but I have a good heart. That's what my mom used to say. Farnsworth: She was a wise woman. Fry: Also that I'm not much to look at. Farnsworth: A wise woman indeed.
Also from "The Duh-Vinci Code", Farnsworth investigates the underground of Rome, and realizes that the Roman numeral digits are really the number of steps to take to find St. James' tomb.
Farnsworth: One...okay, we're here!
The robots killing each other in "Lethal Inspection". Could not stop laughing.
Bender: (sees killer robots) Shoot!
Robots: Someone said shoot! (shoot robot in middle)
Robot #1: We're going to get fired.
Robot #2: Someone said fire! (blows up Robot #1) (gets himself destroyed by tunnel)
Robot: Cease fire; Mom called off the attack. Although I don't understand how it's her...
Other Robots: Someone said Howitzer! (blow up robot in middle and then each other)
Note: David X. Cohen enjoyed reusing some of the humor he employed in the Futurama videogame.
Leela: Inspectors are faceless bureaucrats who blend into the woodwork.
Hermes: *Wearing clothes that match the wall behind him* I beg to differ!
The bit in Lethal Inspection where a bunch od cubicles are in a cube shape... that moves like a Rubix Cube to reveal Hermes' cubicle.
Bender: I did like the part where they screamed!
Hermes Conrad: That's a calculator! I ate it to gain its power.
From The Late Phillip J. Fry:
Professor: Just slow down, I'll shoot Hitler out the window.
Fry: No! They did it! They blew it up! [The camera pans to reveal a monkey Statue of Liberty.] And then the apes blew up their society too. How could this happen? [Camera pans to reveal a bird Statue of Liberty.] And then the birds took over and ruined their society. [Camera pans to reveal a cow Statue of Liberty.] And then the cows. And then... [Camera pans to reveal a strange slug-like Statue of Liberty.] ... I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? [screaming] Noooo!
When Leela is told she can be sad and angry at the same time, she kicks the TV, yelling, "Hiiii-ya!" which swiftly turns into sobs.
"I made it, Leela. Sorry I'm a billion years late."
There's something about Fry's line at the end, when he meets Leela for dinner and she remarks that she didn't really believe he'd be on time.
Farnsworth's completely blase reaction when they overshoot their first attempt at getting to the point when they left in the new universe.
Farnsworth: We'll have to bring her around again!
The endless chain of links in the evolutionary chain in "A Clockwork Origin".
Also from "A Clockwork Origin", Professor Farnsworth manages to build a spaceship out of several robot dinos, which takes him 2 hours, although they have to spend a night in a cave to charge the solar powered ship. That night, Leela and Amy are kidnapped by robots, so Farnsworth builds a slingshot consisting of a piece of metal and an elastic (from his own pants). It takes him TWELVE HOURS. And then they go to bed AGAIN because it's too dark.
Also from "A Clockwork Origin", when the robo-jury has turned into gas forms overnight:
Superior Gort Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Robotic gas forms: No, we have not, for we have all evolved into high states of consciousness. In the grand scheme of things, all physical beings are but yokels. Now settle your petty squabbles and get the hell out.
Bender [To Farnsworth]: That'll be ten thousand dollars.
Prisoner of Benda. Scruffy and the bucket 'bot subplot, which is played like a serious star-crossed romance... mostly.
Scruffy: Go. Now. Before I beg you to stay. *collapses onto his bed, sobbing* Yep.
The scene where Fry (in Zoidberg's body) starts making out with Leela (in the Professor's body) in a restaurant in plain view of disgusted patrons, including Amy (in Hermes' body) who permanently lost her appetite.
'That is not what I meant to give you for Big Bertha.'
And, of course, from the beginning of the episode, this:
Professor Katz: We shall now vote, "Yay" or "Nay". Nay.
Bubblegum: Hell, nay!
Professor Shpeekenshpell: The horse says, "Doctorate denied".
In "Mobius Dick", the space crew being dragged through the fourth dimension by the space whale. Their words are said forwards and backwards: Hermes can see sideways in time, Amy can see in CGI, Fry uses a palindrome phrase: "Poop", and Bender experiences a congo line of Benders chanting, "Bender, Bender, Bender!"
In 'Overclockwise', with his processing speed boosted, Bender can tell what things are going to happen in advance...such as a ceiling fan falling onto Zoidberg. When Mom's drones at the end drag him off to be restored to factory settings, Bender asks Zoidberg to take a few steps aside, and the doctor does so- a ceiling fan hits him. And among the various things Bender wrote down while omniscient was a list of ceiling fans.
From "Yo Leela Leela":
Hermes line, "Working on a real TV show is so exciting. I'm on a mostly natural high."
The song, "So if you don't want a tapeworm or intestinal bugs/Don't eat pastrami/That fell on the rug!"
Leela's breakdown after Abner Doubledeal turns Rumbledy Hump into a reality show and gives all the orphans jobs on the set of the show.
Bender stepping on one of the kids and lighting the match to his cigar on the head of another kid.
Rock Alien: Test #1: Who can drink the most sulfur?
(Cut to Petunia and Sal choking and convulsing on the ground)
Rock Alien: Test inconclusive. Test #2: Who can drink the most arsenic?
The entire montage of Zoidberg attempted to Sneak-Mercy-Kill the Professor... set to a bouncy instrumental version of Mr. Sandman.
Farnsworth: I killed George Washin'ton an' now I'm marred to one of the Spice Girls! ...(slightly somber) Don't rightly know which one.
Bender (Cockney accent): Say, 'ow is it that we've got socialized medicine—[turns around to reveal terrible dental problems]—BOT ME TEETH STILL LOO' LIKE THIS?
Also, a new flag is at the end of the new episode/head museum. It might have been an insult to the Brits, since it says these words: "Bite my fhiny metal aff."
"Come back Lrrr! I want to have your popplers!"
"I'm sick of being critiqued by a bunch of nit picking nerds...I'm taking this to a comic con!"
The part with Matt Groening and David X. Cohen as themselves, showing the new show Futurella — which, due to FOX streamlining the cancellation process, has effectively killed the show before the opening sequence was even done and Matt Groening shooting Bender after Bender asks if he was going to make another Simpsons movie.
And by Orson Welles, when his War of the Worlds-style broadcast leads to the Omicrons conquering earth without a fight
Welles: Damn, I'm good. Now, may I please have that cheese log?
Manhattan is succumbing to the common cold! What should we do?!
"Law and Oracle" This exchange between Fry and an off-screen officer behind a window.
Officer: You think you can just waltz in here with no fpants on and expect to join police academy?
Fry: That was the plan.
Officer: I like you kid. I've got no pants on either.
Fry: I can see that. You're quite taller than me.
Officer: *Arm extends from top of screen to offer a handshake* Welcome to police academy.
URL delivers possibly the best Retirony joke ever:
URL: And Smitty was just a few days from retirement.
Fry: Wuh´┐Ż What happened?
URL: He took a early retirement. Damn.
In the Futurama Holiday Spectacular, as the crew drills deep beneath the earth to find petroleum oil for Bender's ladies to celebrate "Robotanukah" via oil-wrestling (It...makes sense in context, okay?), the crew comes across the "albino humping worm". Cue this exchange:
"Decision 3012" Bender is working for Nixon to dig up dirt on Chris Travers, a rival election candidate. While digging through his office for files at night, Travers comes back, forcing him to hide in the men's room disguised as a urinal (the rest of which are out of order). Cue Traverse walking up to Bender and unzipping his fly as we transition to the next scene.
Nixon: Well, you did manage to get us a TREMENDOUS urine sample...
Bender: (embarrassed and traumatized) Let's not talk about that...!
In the season 6 finale, during the Voltron parody, the crew discovers that the aliens communicate through dance. Bender and Fry's attempt follows thusly:
Hey aliens, we will kill you, and dishonor your widows... by making them gather wood.
It should be noted that they were trying to dance peace.
In the Fleischer-esque parody, Fry and Leela stand on the balcony of the Planet Express building, while everything is bobbing up and down.
Farnsworth: There! Now, for the first time, we may be able to see the infinitesimal fabric of matter itself, laying bare the most fundamental laws of the universe!
Leela: Hey Fry, I know something you could lay bare.
Fry: Leela! Shhh! I'm trying to listen to a physics lecture!
Amy: It seems their movements are a form of language. Rather than speaking Ja´┐ŻEnglish like us, they speak by dancing.
The opener of the premier episode. At least, the original versionnote Repeats and the DVD substituted a generic line about "watching whatever crap comes on next", although the original line is included as part of the deleted scenes:
Bender: You will wake up feeling refreshed, as if Futurama hadn't been canceled by idiots, then brought back by biggeridiots.
Ghost in the Machines: "Let the seance begin!" "I SAID SCIENCE!"
A trio of aliens use holophoners to create a male crossdressing dancer. Cue their audience:
George Takei: Dance, slave!
Zapp Brannigan offending the Carcaron ambassadors by attempting to congratulate them in their native tongue only to say this:
On "Near Death Wish": Professor Farnsworth's bitterness at his parents causes him to run out into the street crying. While fully naked.
Bender: That is one crazy, uncircumcised old man.
Also from the same episode, Farnsworth's parents tell him he can't go to college because he's not emotionally mature enough. Cue Farnsworth crudely mimicking them and then collapsing on his bed crying.
Roberto yelling that he's going to stab the electro-magnetic chair.
Saturday Morning Fun Pit: Richard Nixon trying to edit G.I. Zapp for violence and language, making it a spot-on parody of G.I. Joe: The Movie—complete with an obvious, on-screen death being hastily edited into the character "sleeping."
The episode making fun of all the irritating things about Saturday morning TV that most viewers don't remember or don't want to remember because of the Nostalgia Filter: cheesy "We'll Be Right Back" bumpers, excessive commercial breaks, the Merchandise-Driven nature of cutesy shows like Purpleberry Pond, Scooby Doo's Seasonal Rot years when it had celebrity cameos and was more poorly-written than usual, Moral Guardians protesting over Saturday morning cartoons not being educational and being too violent, and how sports shows always air after a block of cartoons on network TV.
"We'll blow them straight to He—CHURCH!"
The evil organization in the G.I. Zapp segment being called A.C.R.O.N.Y.M., especially since the acronym actually stands for something (A Criminal Regiment Of Nasty Young Men).
The "G. I. Zapp" episode that Nixon began censoring to begin with was entitled "Operation Throat Slit". Oh sorry, "Operation Banana Split".
The censored plane crash:
Nixon (Pretending to be Kif): I, uh, landed the plane safely next to this naturally occurring fireball. At Disneyland! (Kif's arm flies out of the explosion) Hi Tinkerbell!
After a ray gun successfully disintegrates a mercenary:
"The Six Million Dollar Mon" has a great moment when a drop of La Barbara's curry eats through the table... and descends through the apartment complex, causing general havoc until it drops straight into Robot Hell and onto the Robot Devil's head.
Robot Devil (screaming in agony): Ahh! It burns! It burns!
"I'm getting one of those things again! You know, a headache with pictures!" "An idea?" "Mmm, mmm!"
"It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up."
"What smells like blue?"
"But Bender need brain! For smart-making!"
"What did you do now? Stop doing things!"
"Hey! It's that guy you are!"
"I heard alcohol makes you stupid." "No I'm... doesn't."
A casual sight gag shows a Stegosaurus lazily grazing on the White House lawn.
Bender attaches a magnet to his head, subsequently screwing up his inhibitor chip & prompting him to start singing folk songs. One such song is "Fry cracked corn and I don't care! Leela cracked corn, I still don't care! Bender cracked corn and he is great! Take that you stupid corn!"
There's also the moment where this revealed, and Fry's reaction:
Bender: [Singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you..." [Starts howling, then pants] Keep those things off of me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit. Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer? Bender: Yes...I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna be a folk singer... [Stares into the distance, mournfully]
When Fry learns (after knowing him for several episodes/weeks) that Hermes is Jamaican, Fry responds that he always thought he was "...some kind of outer-space Potato Man."
In "Bendfellas," at Taco Bellevue Hospital, after the sedatives Zoidberg took are wearing off: