- Professor Moriarty: "Right-o, gents, it's another simulation gone mad, so murder and mayhem, standard procedure."
- "Real holographic simulated evil Lincoln is BAAAAAAAACK!!!"
- From the same scene:
Zapp Brannigan: Listen up, history's greatest villain, get back in the shed or I start blasting!
Attila the Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!
Zapp Brannigan: Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun!
- From the same episode, at the baby shower, Amy leaves in tears and Kif tries to stop her. In the next shot, Kif's face is shown while a squelching sound and baby-like crying is heard. The shot pans to show that Zoidberg was doing the crying.
- Kif's reaction (the one anyone would have in that situation) when Zap is ruled out as the father is gold.
Oh, thank you merciful God.
Grand Midwife: I will now take my leave! I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore!
- Kif's attempt to 'pluck the moon from the sky' for Amy whilst they're in the holo-shed, ending up with Kif falling in the sea, and the Moon dropping on his head.
- "You can crush me but you can't crush my spirit!" [Gets crushed by a giant claw] "Agh, my spirit!!"
- Ah yes, good ol' man! Staunch defender (and even flaunter) of
all practically any rights whatsoever!
Zoidberg: He defended my freedom when no one else would. He was a good and honorable man.
Old Man Waterfall: I request a Satanic funeral.
- Old Man Waterfall's comeback when Bender questions his defending Zoidberg.
:Bender: You wanna defend Zoidberg? Are you aware of the old robot saying "Does Not Compute"?
:Old Man: Son, to me a robot's nothin' more than a garbage can with sparks comin' out of it.
Bender: (sad) the sparks keep me warm...
- A decopodian in a Paper-Thin Disguise named Hugh Mann was able to successfully steal the disc and send the Nimbus crashing.
- Zoidberg on the Decopodian Embassy:
Zoidberg: My planet's embassy! They're paid not to kill me.
- Zoidberg complaining about the lack of marshmallows at the embassy.
- The museum sequence, especially Bender's opinion of the crossbow:
Bender: Ah, the crossbow! A pitiless, elegant killing machine. The Bender of the 15th Century."
- In "Less than Hero", when they're called by the mayor.
Leela: I just remembered, I left my apartment on fire. (Runs from room)
Bender: And I'm late for my LSATs. (Follows Leela)
Fry: And I can't take life any more! (Jumps out window)
Bender: Nine, ten... a big fat hen.
-blows on cigar-
Bender: The name's Bender.
- When Fry and Leela are trying to figure out what powers they have:
Leela: (reading back of Miracle Cream tube) "Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures?"
Fry: Hey Zoidberg, get in here!
Zoidberg (from another room): Screw you!
Fry (cheerful): Nope!
Leela (cheerful): Ain't got that!
- Bender as Superking fighting a boxing kangaroo, mostly for the commentary by Theodore Roosevelt:
"A man boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar spectacle...but a kangaroo boxing a robot? Now I'm afraid you've lost me.
(Citizen Snips the crab falls into Roosevelt's tank) CITIZEN SNIPS!
- From that same episode: "Please do not feed the animals!! -is promptly grabbed and devoured by an elephant-"
- An elephant that never forgets...TO KILL!
Leela's Dad: Look at me! Proud dad of a super hero! We should print up T-shirts. And F-shirts for our friends with two arms on the same side.
- This after a parrot reveals one of Leela's secrets:
Fry (stern): Leela! Is the pirate that parrot is mimicking telling the truth by proxy?
- "Oh, this is awful! Somewhere out there, there's a more evil Bender than me! I DO MY BEST, DAMMIT!"
- (Explosion) "Oh Lordy Lou! HELP!"
- "Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys do something! Help! Satan, you owe me!"
- Alternate Bender - "Bite my glorious golden ass!"
- "Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything!"
- Another example from that episode:
Leela: Bender, stop destroying the universe!
- "GIVE ME THE BOX"
- There's also this after the Crew and their alternates are ordered to keep an eye one each other.
Alternate Leela: Can Fry and I watch our Alternates together? We have plans tonight.
Leela Wait. You guys are dating?
- All of the episode "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles": "No beer until you've finished your tequila!" (holds up a bottle of Tequila with a crazy straw in it)
- An especially funny line from the beginning: "Pazuzu, you ungrateful gargoyle! I put you through college and this is how you repay me?!"
- That wasn't just any space station. That was Deep Space Nine.
- That, and this: "I'M STILL IN MID-PERIL, YOU CLODS!"
- "WITH MY LAST BREATH, I CURSE ZOIDBERG!"
- This joke:
Leela: Professor! This ship can go ninety percent light speed! Why are we travelling at 35 miles-per-hour?
Farnsworth: Because we're in a hurry, that's why!
- What's Leo Wong's reaction to finding out his daughter has turned back into a preteen? Cruelly tease her about how fat she was at that age. Father of the year, everybody!
Amy: If you're going to make fat jokes, I'm just going to stay in my room!
Leo: Stay in room? You so fat, you going to stay all around room!
- This exchange from "Where No Fan Has Gone Before":
William Shatner: Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy?
Leonard Nimoy: You mean Doohan?
(They both chuckle.)
Shatner: Whoever it was, I did it like this. (Throws shoe. It hits George Takei in the face.)
Shatner: (Hopping) My foot's cold.
- This exchange in that episode between Shatner and Takei:
: And then, George, you hit him with a karate chop. Takei
: I find that offensive
. Just because I'm of Japanese ancestry, you assume I know karate. Have I ever led you to believe I have studied karate? Shatner
: Well, no... but you never talk about yourself. Takei
: Maybe if you showed a little interest...
- When Melllvar is trying to get an autograph from George Takei:
Melllvar: Melllvar has three Ls.
Takei: I think I've been to enough conventions to know how to spell "Melllvar".
- Nichelle Nichols' utterly deadpan and disgusted reading of Uhura's "romantic" lines with Melllvar.
- All of Walter Koenig's reactions to being asked to "speak Russian." No exceptions.
- Most of what Melllvar says, really.
Melllvar: Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures of the Enterprise crew rained down upon my planet. Over and over I watched them, especially the five with the energy beings. I AM MELLLVAR! SEER OF THE TAPES! KNOWER OF THE EPISODES! TREMBLE BEFORE MY ENCYCLOPAEDIC KNOWLEDGE OF STAR TREK!
or this exchange:
Melllvar: In order to test who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion, I will pit you in armed combat... TO THE DEATH!
Bender: Where would you get an idiotic idea like that?
Melllvar: Episodes 19, 27, 45 and 76.
Fry: Great list. Except, you forget episode 66! HAHAHA!
Melllvar: (Barely suppressing rage) Urgh, uh, I WAS GETTING TO THAT ONE! GRAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Blows up Welshy's corpse)
: How can you do a spoken-word version of a rap
Melllvar (completely awed): He found a way.
: Can people who hate Star Trek
: Good question! Melllvar
: No, they have to stay even longer! Bender and Koenig
- The response to Melllvar telling the cast they're not acting "hard enough."
: Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV
, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill because I respected him so much. Shatner
: And when I directed Star Trek V
, I got a magnificent performance out of me
, because I respected me so much
Fry: Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life! You can do anything you want! Look at Walter Koening: After Star Trek, he became an actor.
Koening: Not just an actor, but a well rounded person! With my own friends, and credit cards, and keys...
Fry: All this time we thought he was a powerful super-being, yet he was just a child...
- In general, every Take That against excessive Star Trek fans. One of the funniest is the very reason why the series was banned in the first place: fans grew from "a loose association of nerds with skin problems to a full-blown religion". Said religion started overtaking most countries on Earth, causing the government to ban the series and execute every Trekkie "in the manner most befitting virgins" (throwing them into a volcano and declaring He's Dead, Jim).
- "Crimes of the Hot": The gang trying to cool off during a very hot, summer day. They build themselves an instant(!) above-ground swimming pool, complete with chlorine treated water (and dead leaves floating around inside). But before anyone can jump in, in comes Nibbler, who drinks all the pool water in a heartbeat, and then belches out a cloud of noxious, chlorine gas that makes everyone pass out. Except Bender. But he doesn't have it any better:
: Hahahaha, lightweights — oh, wait! Chlorine! (instantly rusts completely over, than collapses)
- Also from Crimes of the Hot:
Bender: Look, I enjoy life and its pleasures as much as anyone here, except perhaps you, Hedonismbot. [Hedonismbot eats grapes in a very sloppy manner.] But we need to be shut off, especially you, Hedonismbot!
Hedonismbot: I apologize for nothing!
- Bender sucker punching Preacher Bot when The Professor shows up to explain his plan to save the robots and the world.
- From "The Sting":
Leela: What's the mission?
Farnsworth: Collecting honey. Ordinary honey.
Leela: That doesn't sound so dangerous.
Farnsworth: This is no ordinary honey!
Farnsworth: It's produced by vicious space bees. A single sting of their hideous neurotoxin can cause instant death!
Hermes: And that's if you're not allergic! You don't wanna know what happens then, oh no no, God no.
Farnsworth: Your insides with boil out of your eye sockets like a science fair volcano!
Hermes: I didn't want to know! *sobs*
Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks! And twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big's the honeycomb?
Hermes: Honeycomb's big, yeah yeah yeah!
Bender: It's not small?
No, no no!
Leela: "In my dream, Fry said he hid a gift from me in his locker. If it's true, then he must still exist in some form."
Farnsworth: "Of course he still exists. As a frozen corpse in outer space!" * chuckles* "Oh.. I made myself sad."
- "And then Bender ran!"
- The sequence featuring the Omicronians trying to figure out 'wuv'.
Ndnd: And what is this emotion you humans call 'wuv'?
Lrrr: Surely it says 'love'?
Ndnd: No, 'wuv', with an earth 'w'! Behold!
Lrrr: This concept of 'wuv' confuses and infuriates us!
- As a whole "Love and Rocket", every really subtle reference to 2001 was hilarious from Bender happily singing Daisy Bell to Planet Express Ship noticing tapirs in the zoo.
- This exchange...
Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow, you guys went obsolete years ago.
* Cartridge Unit rummages through bag of cartridges, and pulls out one labeled 'Snappy Response', and inserts it*
- The Nannybot 1.0: "SLEEP, LITTLE DUMPLING! I HAVE REPLACED YOUR MOTHER!"
- Robot 1-X says this while whacking himself with a hammer:
- In Bend Her, Bender temporarily becomes a woman. The subtle sexism throughout the episode is uncomfortable and annoying. The explicit sexism that occasionally pops up is hilarious.
She's becoming a slave to her emotions! Just like all women. Especially you, Leela. Leela: (Offhand Backhands the Professor)
I'm worried about Bender too.
- Also in "Bend Her", Calculon is on a talk show, talking about his soap opera, All My Circuits. A clip is shown of him at a pirate's barbecue, yelling "NOOOOOOOOOO!". Calculon chuckles and replies:
Calculon: "Fun fact: The script actually called for me to say 'yes', but I gave it a little twist."
- Bonus: When asked to set up the clip, Calculon just says he thinks it speaks for itself. Not to mention that it's set in a random back garden, with a pirate grilling burgers on a barbecue.
- Also in that episode, when they are trying to fake Coilette/Bender's death:
: "No! NO! EN-OH-OH-OH!"
- It should be noted: Calculon wasn't in on the plan.
- Earlier on in the episode, Calculon bursting through the wall, and during a hot-air balloon trip with Coilette, him tipping the (previously-hidden) Box-robot overboard.
- How did we get this far without mentioning this little gem:
Bender: Professor, make a woman out of me!
Prof. Farnsworth (flattered): Oh, I think we should just stay friends.
- This exchange:
Calculon:"I'd appreciate it if you didn't 'BAM' the young lady..."
Elzar:"Well I'd appreciate it if I did; so I guess we're even!"
- The deliver of this line really makes it:
Fry: (emotional) I'll miss you, buddy. You've been like a brother, and then a sister to me. I love you, man.
Bender: The marriage is a sham
Fry: (without missing a beat) Cool. What's for dinner?
- Calculon reacts to Bender's attempt at acting in "Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV":
"That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer!"
- Before that, at the start of the audition:
So, Bender, have you ever been on television? Bender:
Once, when I took those hostages. Calculon:
I saw that. You were good.
Bender, attempting a "flawless Spanish accent": Tonight we eat, GEE-OOO-ACK-A-MOLE by the el Rio!
- Another classic Bender moment: "Have you ever thought of turning off the TV...sitting down with your children...and hitting them?"
- In "Jurassic Bark," when the Professor gets tired of explaining that lava isn't something you can just swim through ("I'm a professor! Why isn't anyone listening to me?"):
Leela: He's been in there too long! I'm going in after him!
- Whale barf. "It just keeps coming..."
- Fry's increasingly neurotic behavior as he works his way towards drinking 100 cups of coffee.
Elzar: Freshen your coffee, sir?
Yeah yeah, keep it coming! Put the pot down! Get away!
Fry: This isn't Yemeni, it's Sulawesi! And the cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking!
Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night?
OF COURSE I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT! Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. *snore* Coffee time!
- Scruffy in "Three Hundred Big Boys" making light of Kif's recent imprisonment:
: Jail ain't so bad. You can make sangria in the
. Course it's shank or be-shanked. Amy
: (in tears)
- Bender's Hurricane of Euphemisms in Spanish Fry
Lrrr: This jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
Bender: It's used to it. Whoo!
- and a truckload of similar lines throughout the episode, my favorite being:
Fry: Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out!
Bender (offscreen): Just like at the movie theater! Whoo!
Fry: Wait, wait wait! Ahem... What really killed the dinosaurs?
Big Brain: MEEE!
[The Big Brain is then shown killing the dinosaurs]
- When Fry is about to head back through time to take another shot at defeating the Brainspawn, he realizes that he's going to get trapped again. His last words to Nibbler: "Just remember that Scooty Puff Jr. suuuuuuuuuuuuucks!"
- Later, Fry is shown escaping successfully, on his new scooter, titled: "The Doombringer — Scooty Puff Sr."
- In "The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings", when Fry loses the robot hands that allowed him to play the Holophonor:
Hedonismbot: Resume the opera!
Fry: But I can't play anymore!
Zoidberg: Yes you can! The music was in your heart, not your hands!
[Fry begins playing off-key and the audience starts booing.]
Zoidberg: Your music is bad and you should feel bad!
Fry: My hands! My horrible human hands! And what did you do to my nails?!
Robot Devil: I cleaned them.
Stage!Bender: Save Fry! Save Fry! Save Fry! Godzilla! Will devour him! As for me I must be off to have my doctor check this cough! *Cough cough* Goodbye! *Starts off to the exit only to have Godzilla block him off*
Bender: I don't ever recall fighting Godzilla, but that is sooooo what I would have done!