Arson Murder And Jaywalking: Fanfic
- Turnabout Substitution: When talking to Rhea Wits about her computer, her hobbies on it include creating scuba-diving simulators, hacking the pentagon's computer, and chatting with friends on the internet.
Apollo: Yeah right, like she knows how to chat on the internet!
- This Axis Powers Hetalia Kink Meme fill shows the nations' meeting expenses; they spent thousands and thousands of dollars on everything from strippers to long-distance phone calls to tweezers, and then one dollar and fifty cents on gum.
- From The Joker's Wild, a Teen Titans crossover in which The Joker features prominently (mind you, he sent Harley out to get torture implements): "Did you get everything? The drills? The nails? The acid? The matches? The custard?" This doubles as Noodle Implements.
- In the Bleach fanfic The First Guardian the first chapter has a list of things Ichigo can't do (given to him by his Zanpakuto Spirit):
"You can't fly, Ichigo.""You can't phase through walls, Ichigo.""You can't read minds, Ichigo.""You can't use the Force to trick people into buying you things, Ichigo. The Force doesn't even exist.""You can't stay up all night today, you have exams coming up soon and you have to be on your best."
- Examples from the Calvinverse:
- Done repeatedly in Can You Imagine That?.
Calvin: What're we going to do? Why is he chasing us? How will we escape? Where does this path lead? When will our bedtime be?
Calvin: Yesterday, you made a remark on the feasible membership of Susie Derkins. She is the rival of our club. Plus, she's a girl!
- Then there's this:
Hobbes: Of course, when I say 'big galoot', it means that you're handsome, intelligent, and, uh, both of your legs are the same length.
- Also this:
- Another example:
- From Calvin and Hobbes Get XTREME!:
Hobbes: We're raving from cold and starvation and lack of comic books.
- One gag in Calvin and Hobbes III: Double Trouble has the aliens smashing several of Calvin's mom's antiques, causing her to cry out every time. It ends with them destroying a clock worth about 50 bucks (compared to the fine china that was destroyed before). She reacts in exactly the same way.
- In Retro Chill, Calvin says that second grade involves "mustard gas, whips, swinging pendulums and long division."
- From Calvin and Hobbes: The Series:
Lenny: Uh, bad news, boss! It would appear that Dave blew up the navigation console, and Biff knocked off the steering wheel. And Jeff just broke a window!
Andy: Where do you suppose that (a door) leads to?Sherman: I dunno. Dungeon, torture room, bloodthirsty zombie, the mansion's balcony.
- And from another episode:
Mother Brainstorm: YOU'LL MOW THE LAWN! YOU'LL DO THE GROCERY SHOPPING! YOU'LL SCRUB THE FLOORS! YOU'LL CLIP MY THICK YELLOW TOENAILS! YOU'LL BE WATCHING DAYTIME TALK SHOWS WITH ME!
- Another instance:
Sherman: (translating hieroglyphics) Let me see here, curse... curse... another curse... insurance guarantee... ah, here we go.
- And again:
Thunderstorm: Success! Now we have absolute threat! Excellent! The place can actually do some evil-like damage now! Every glitch is finally repaired! The gamma-rays are fully-loaded, the laser-cannons are set, the navicomp is functional, and the cappuccino machine has bendy straws! I'M IN THE GROOVE AGAIN!
- And in the very first episodenote , Hobbes lists his Overly Long Name as "The Ultimate and Most Powerful Predator on the Planet Earth, with Razor Sharp Teeth, Deadly Claws, and Urge to Kill Stuff, and Also Has Opposable Thumbs, and is Able to Stand Up On Two Legs".
- Then there's "Thunderstorm", which has this:
Mom: CALVIN, BE CAREFUL!
- And the three listed objects that "seemed remotely suspicious" are knives, razors, and English IV textbooks.
- From "Camping Trip Part 2":
Hobbes: YOU CAN DO IT!
Dad: DON'T LOSE THE FISHING ROD!
"I enjoy video games, basket ball, and putting up with [my] pet talking hamster."
- During a flashback in "The Transmitter Conspiracy Part 1", we have Andy introducing himself to Socrates:
It was an interesting introduction.
- Done repeatedly in Can You Imagine That?.
- In a Naruto/Negima crossover fanfic, "Broken Faith" by Kur 0 Kishi has this as well in a side mission unrelated to the main plot.
"Sorry, calling it a missive is an understatement. He sent a clone that somehow traveled 500 miles from here to our Main Headquarters in under 3 hours over land and water, bypassed all official channels and communication protocols, slipped through our ward scheme like it wasn't there and evaded 130 individuals affiliated with our Association, including our entire Security Force. I found him drinking a bottle of 1978 Montrachet wine while chatting with my wife about the finer points of miso ramen in my own private quarters."
- In Gensokyos Heart, the Author's Note for the second Intermission asks us three important questions.
- In Mass Effect Human Revolution, Wrex's listed crimes include "Two hundred and sixty-seven counts of driving under the influence, three hundred and seventy-five counts of vandalism and assault, and one count littering." However, that littering charge is due to ripping off another Krogan's testicles and tossing them into a public lake.
- My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring: The list of crimes Marcus (or rather, his alternate identity Eric of Vestland) is charged with in chapter 3:
"He is wanted for the theft of the Water Elves' Pearl, an affair with a Minrothadi ambassador, wearing an Augrist high priest's hat when unqualified to do so, stealing the harem of a Thyatian Ambassador, mocking the Thyatian Emperor, wearing the Sacred Hat of Valerias inappropriately, misleading youth, mocking the gods, failing to pay for 8 sandwiches, and 3 moving violations. Among other crimes."
- In the crossover fic National Security, America is mildly miffed at whoever decided he should go into hiding after he ends up with Neal Caffrey on the grounds he could have been stuck with an actual bad guy like a murderer or a rapist or a non-taxpayer.
- The description for No Gods, Only Guns uses this:
Ancient artifacts of immense power. Murderous synthetics. Ruthless megacorps. Unscrupulous mercenaries. Genocidal stellar god-machines. Incompetent galactic governments. Claptrap dubstep. The horrors of the galaxy are many....
- In No Hoper Light is not happy about having to attend the school for vampyres:
- In That Which Holds The Image, the Doctor is telling Harry, Ron and Hermione about some of the places the Tardis has gotten him.
"I materialised this box on the Security Deck of The Admiral Tholtrich. I landed this box on top of a Regulation Zebra prison ship, whilst it was in warp. This box got me a seat next to Brangelina at the Oscars."
- A Shadow Of The Titans: Gadjo at one point lists all of his Berserk Buttons: zombies, his brother, those who threaten pie, and people who send him text messages.
- When Jade is going over her gathered school supplies, they're all mostly normal (for the HIVE), but she also mentions a "needlessly creepy" paperweight resembling Tarakudo.
- Monsters In Paradise: While Koishi Komeiji is briefly hospitalized in Hearthome City with her mind-reading powers reawakened, she picks up an analysis-in-progress from the nurse assigned to look after her. Amongst other things: the nurse's questions being answered before they were asked, the difficulties she had dealing with Koishi's external veins... and her pupils and irises being the same color.
- In the D.Gray-man fic 69 Ways To Torture Idiot Apprentice, Cross is so thrilled that the author decided to write an M-rated story that he makes a list of things he'll do to use it to his utmost advantage. It reads: Drink like no tomorrow, gamble everything away, including Allen, smoke EVERYTHING possible, even pot if nothing else is around, get bitches, lay bitches, do expensive shit that Allen will pay for, kill all of his loved ones so he focuses only on me, and snore when I sleep."
- In Office Politics Raito's revenge for L breaking up with him involves threatening his coworkers, killing more people, and changing L's screensaver to an ad for erectile dysfunction medication.
- In the Death Note fanfic So Wrong, It's Right:
"I, Light Yagami am Kira. I'm a killer, a murderer, maybe even a bad person."
- In one Digimon fanfic featuring Yuehon, the Digidestined of China, this exchange occurs between her and the only remaining Digidestined of North Korea.
Yuehon: You mass murdering, constantly lying, twisted and unrepentant Pepsi drinking lunatic! Who the hell do you think you are?!
- In The Importance of Being Mostly Human, Willikins lists some of the father-son activities shared by Sam Vimes and Young Sam as including "fishing for eldritch horrors in the Ankh, upturning country legal systems, [and] tiddly-winks".
- In Never Had A Friend Like Me, Norm still hates Canada and occasionally magically torments the entire country. During one of Norm's attacks against Canada, he caused the place to be struck by earthquakes, volcanoes, floods, plagues of locusts, lightning, fires, glaciers, tornadoes, rampaging moose, and... he made the hockey players unable to skate in a straight line without falling.
- When listing some of the less moral people he's had as masters, Norm mentions dealing with "thieves, warriors, spies, murderers, psychopaths, and politicians."
- In Forward, River catalogues her injuries after a prolonged pursuit, crash, walk across the desert, and gunfight.
Catalogue of injuries: hairline fracture in shin. Multiple fractured or broken ribs. Lacerations, bruising of back, vertebrae, possibly wrenched shoulder and back muscles. Bullet lodged in gut, precise location unknown. Head trauma, ninety-plus percent probability of concussion (postulate round ricocheting off boulder and bouncing off skull, or maybe shrapnel knocked loose by same) Bruised jaw. Sunburns.
- In Niceties in a Crisis Kurt is telling Will off for treating him unfairly. While speculating about why Will doesn't like him, he says: "I don't know if it's some kind of latent homophobia, or that you don't really know what to do with me, or if you just don't want someone in the club whose hair is better than yours."
- From The Sacred And The Profane: "...Caphriel had a bizarre tendency to get upset over the slightest things, like murder and rape and duck torture." Mostly used to show that, no, Zirah really doesn't see much difference in the levels of those crimes; why do you ask?
- The fanfic One Wizard Too Many a warning about the following: "Mayhem, destruction, and HHRnote ."
- A certain very much NSFW fan fic story has the following disclaimer:
The fanfiction listed herein could contain any of the following: angst, bitextual, blasphemy, bondage, brother-fucking, crack, cross-dressing, cross-gen, dead bodies, dirty talk, drinking, dubious consent, drug use, felching, female/female, felching, frottage, foul language, gen, gratuitious house-elf nudity, grudge-fucking, hatesex, het, incest, male/male, mindfucking, more angst, porn, rimming, sex, smoking, slash, smut, Stan Shunpike, substance abuse, threesomes (or moresomes), underage characters, unhealthy relationships, violation of inanimate objects, violence, voyeurism, wanking, and the occasional typographical error.
- The blurb for Harry Potter And Lord Of Zenth Mage:
Harry is Son of Power, High Lord of Zenth Mage, Heir of ShaoLinWudanParaohRomeMongolian Emperor, and Super Warrior. He plays Voldemort, Dumbledore, fool ministry as his pawns. He will have relationships with girls.
- Confessions, in which Draco is in love with Harry and tells him that he would have preferred to be in love with someone "smarter, with less of a hero syndrome and better hair."
- In Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness, Ginny rattles off a list of equipment she's managed to smuggle into the castle, finishing with "and some Pygmy Puff treats for Arnold".
- This moment from Lord of Caer Azkaban:
Auror: Minister Fudge, you are under arrest for Abuse of Power, Corruption, Perjury, Enlisting Others to Make False Statements, Fraud, and Jaywalking.
- In Meet the Godparents, Harry is nervous about meeting Ron's Aunt Muriel at her cottage and tries to joke about it, telling Hermione "I've outflown a dragon, I've faced down hoards [sic] of Death Eaters, and I've snatched the last dessert away from Ron."
- From Sweet Protector:
Harry: This is not good. But hey, I survived Voldemort, the Dursleys, and Snape's potion classes!
- In Vengeance from the Grave Harry confronts Dumbledore who, in addition to stunning Harry in the back (allowing him to be captured and tortured by Voldemort and his minions) has been stealing from his account to fund the Order of the Phoenix.
Harry: You will be charged with treason for having attacked an officer of the ministry, thereby leaving him at the mercy of the very terrorist he was defending the public, including your own ungrateful arse, against. Add to that fraud, grand theft and if I have my way; offensive facial hair!
- Hivefled: The warnings page lists death, rape, incest, torture, body horror, cannibalism, necrophilia, and "dubious use of buckets". It Makes Sense in Context, though; said "dubious use" involves Bizarre Alien Biology and forced incestuous reproduction.
- Shows up a lot in Moirallegiance Is Science, starting with the author's listed warnings of swearing, (mention of) buckets, no homo, and Breaking the Fourth Wall.
He's whiny, wimpy, helpless, stupid, and a shitty rapper!
- Later on, we get a list of things that Vriska finds personally annoying about Tavros:
- In Last One Standing, Kagome is forced onto an Immoral Reality Show.
Of course, no one wants to watch innocent people get murdered, so they choose criminals, vagrants, delinquents, and apparently schoolgirls with too many absences.
- Shadows Awakening: When Jade is listing reasons she shouldn't trust the Queen, she mentions how the Queen tried to ally herself with Shendu, kill Jackie, how the Queen antagonized everyone, and finally, the Queen's sense of fashion (or lack thereof).
- From Those Lacking Spines: "Organization XIII was not a nice group of sort-of-kind-of-former people. They toyed with minds, they twisted relationships, they used lives as tools, they manipulated innocents, they spread chaos, they captured hearts, they lengthened the lines at the DMV and they commanded Heartless."
- In The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth: "Sauron would going to roast her for breakfast. He would make her grow long pointy nails. He would flunk her." (OK, the latter might be pretty bad for a fangirl, who'd have to leave Middle-Earth.)
- In Mega Man Recut, Proto Man’s list of crimes in the first chapter ends with "defacement of a public statue". Sadly, this was not foreshadowing for Mega-Pinocchio's Abraham Lincoln incident.
- Whisper: Trixie apologizes to Twilight Sparkle and her friends for all the things she did in the story and in the episode "Boast Busters", including that she's sorry "for thinking that you were an evil sorceress and wanting you to be tarred and feathered or turned to stone or crushed by a garbage wagon or kicked in the shins."
- Getting Back on Your Hooves has a similar example when Trixie brings up her List of Transgressions from "Boast Busters" (first wondering why Rarity fixed her mane rather than take revenge and second apologizing to Rainbow, both times ending with the fact she bragged about it.
Trixie: I called your mane a rat's nest, goaded you into a rigged contest, turned your hair into a disgusting green mess, humiliated you in front of the entire town, and then bragged about doing it! And before that I publicly humiliated two of your best friends!Spike: Which you also bragged about.Trixie: Exactly!
- In A Kingdom Divided, Scootaloo lists dangerous creatures Twist can meet in the forest, including bears, wild boars and drunk lumberjacks.
- In Telling Tales, Rarity complains about hearing grisly tales of "exploding dragons, eyes gouged out, [and] abominable table manners".
- Parodied in this picture, which points out that amongst enslaving kingdoms and cursing ponies, King Sombra also swipes their clothes.
- Used in narration in The Vinyl And Octavia Series, when Octavia first goes to Vinyl Scratch's apartment.
Octavia hesitated as she looked around the cramped apartment. Piles of unwashed clothes lay everywhere, which was odd as Vinyl had never worn clothes in the short time Octavia knew her. The sink was filled with messy dishes, which Octavia suspected were several days, if not weeks, old. The walls were cracked, the ceiling was leaking in a few rooms, and the carpet didn’t match the drapes.
- A Growing Affection has the Nine-Tails telling Naruto her favorite past-times are murder, NTR, and cheating at cards and dice.
- When Naruto is introducing and mentioning things about himself after time traveling in Time MixUp, he says he dislikes "traitorous, revenge obsessed bastards who decide to destroy an entire village because of the actions of a couple of its citizens, and the three minute wait for my instant ramen to be ready."
- In Kitsune no Ken: Fist of the Fox, Hidan's recent list of crimes include attempted murder, obsessively stalking his ex-girlfriend, and damaging a copy of Icha Icha Paradise.
- The first chapter of The Retelling Of Pokemon Colosseum has one of these:
Gonzap: Very smart, Wes. You've destroyed our main snag machine, and stolen the other one. You took our zoomer. And to boot, you used those explosives we had been planning to use as well to utterly destroy our base. AND half of my moustache has burnt off, and I don't have any eyebrows anymore. You'll pay for this.
- In this Psych fic, Shawn says: "And while Drimmer may have been a murdering psycho and a very bad dresser..."
- The author's warnings on Chapter 24 of the Sherlock fanfic Control Alt Delete are for drug references, profanity... and Greek mythology.
- It Sucks to Be Weegie!: Luigi's possible past lives were that of dictators, murderers, and the Pringles Man.
- In a Super Smash Bros. fanfic, Princess Peach has banned Smashing. Mario, Link, Bowser, and Pikachu are arrested for having a match. Bowser's charges are read something along the lines of "Participating in a Smash match, multiple attempts to abduct Princess Peach, and failure to appear for jury duty."
- In Kyon Big Damn Hero, Kyon mentions casually to Sasaki that he has to meet several past instances of people, fight 12 thugs at once, arrange to deliver an alien artifact and study for a math test. It scares the crap out of adult Mikuru, but Sasaki doesn't take it seriously.
- During You Got HaruhiRolled!'s court case arc, Haruhi is on trial. When listing her charges, the prosecutor plays with this trope: Haruhi is accused of thievery (the most serious on the list, but mentioned first), being stupid and an asshole, as well as pushing a random passerby. This last one is treated as severe as the others, because Haruhi is unfortunate enough to be in a Kangaroo Court.
- In "Diesel And The Community Servie", some of the Thin Git's crimes are unpaid parking tickets, uncompensated property damage, and unapologetic name calling.
- In the Total Drama Island fic Total Drama Tokyo, one of the teams is lost in the woods, which are filled with Youkai.
Vivienne: All right, this is the last straw. It's raining, we almost got killed by Onis, there's nowhere to sleep, we can't find the key anywhere, and Puck won't stop complaining about his itchy butt.
- Archive of Our Own states in the Terms of Service: "Unless it violates some other policy, we will not remove Content for offensiveness, no matter how awful, repugnant, or badly spelled we may personally find that content to be." and "You understand that using the Archive may expose you to material that is offensive, erroneous, sexually explicit, indecent, blasphemous, objectionable, or badly spelled."
- In Pretty Cure Heavy Metal, Shugo lists three things you can't say on television in one episode. Due to a censorship scandal involving South Park episode "201", the last item is "Muhammad".
- During The Emiya Clan Christmas Special, this is invoked when Keiko gets her hands on the God/Burning Gundam.
Keiko: "I AM AWESOME! I AM ALMIGHTY! I AM OMNIPOTENT! I AM GOING TO DESTROY CANADA!"
- In Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont vs. Canon, the Long List of charges Charlie has racked up include throwing someone's computer out the window, impersonation, having a threesome with fictional characters, getting kicked out of Rio (twice), and pirating music.
- In the Nancy Drew fic Icicle Creek Lodge on Yelp, Lou Talbot gives the lodge one star because he was arrested for digging up dinosaur bones there...and because the cook put paprika in his food.
- In this NSFW Teen Titans story, Raven's rant against her alternate self ends with this.
Raven: “She’s ruining my reputation, destroying the team dynamic, provoking emotions and thoughts that shouldn’t exist, and, worst of all, she likes to take it UP THE BUTT.”
- In Bring Me All Your Elderly, Iroh brings up what could result from meddling between two separate realities: "injuries, death, the end of the universe as we know it, badly written teenage drama... The possibilities are endless."