How to get some Profit!

1. Come up with first step of plan.
2. Come up with second step. Repeat this step for as many time as is funny, but make sure the number of steps you have are just one shy of a classic comedic rhythm number, like 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 10, or if you're particularly ambitious, 11. Remember, the amount of steps have to be one less than the number you've chosen.
3. Leave the penultimate step in your plan blank. The usual way to represent it is with a series of question marks, but you can also use "____", "[REDACTED]", or "[insert step here]". It's all a matter of what makes the joke work for your style of humor.
4. ???
5. Write down the final step: "PROFIT!" (or equivalent)

How to Come Up With The First Step of Plan

Step 1. Say "I have a plan.".

Step 2. Fail in a bank robbery.

Step 3. Say "I have a plan." again.

Step 4. Fail in another robbery and get pinned down by Pinkerton agents.

Step 5. Say "I have a plan." yet again.

Step 6. Incite family feud and civil wars to distract the Pinkerton agents.

Step 7. Say "I have a GOD, DAMN, PLAN!"

Step 8. Stare at the crowd as they abandon you.

Surely, you've always got a plan. But if you can't give up when your plan has failed, your failure would become worse.

Edited by Mhazard on Jan 1st 2019 at 11:33:34 PM

How to stare at a crowd: Gather a large number of people together (they don't have to be people you know). Stand on an elevated platform so everyone, even the people in the back, can see you. Glare your eyes towards the crowd, preferably with little to no blinking. Stand still and say absolutely nothing while you're doing this. Watch as people get creeped the hell out and leave in droves.

How to Fail in a Bank Robbery: Enter the bank while wearing obvious robber clothes and make as much noise as possible. Then, destroy the vault door and leave as much evidence behind. Stash as much money as you can in your bag as you wait for the police to catch you. Then, prepare for incarceration.

How to Stand on an Elevated Platform: First, find a platform to stand on. It can be as small as a shoebox or as big as a podium. Next, make sure that it can support your weight. Then, put one foot on top of it followed by the other. Try to shift your center of gravity to balance yourself.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Jan 1st 2019 at 11:40:26 PM

How To Have A Plan: First, you must have a reason to concoct a plan. Is it to win a bet, or rob a bank? If it’s the latter, then watch out, because you can be arrested. If you do get arrested, follow our “How To Break Out Of Jail” guidelines on the next page. Anyways, you must now execute said plan. Be careful! If you mess up, you could get hurt, turn into a catatonic vegetable, or die. Remember: don’t forget the Noodle Implements.

Dang, I got triple ninja’d!

Edited by TalesofUnder on Jan 1st 2019 at 7:40:30 AM

How to make sure a thing supports your weight

Calculate your mass by multiplying how much space you take up in cubic measurement of choice by the density of your constituent parts. Then, determine the material you wish to support your weight and find its breaking point relative to the width of material that supports it. If the material does not support our weight, either increase width, source a stronger material or lose your own weight.

How to lose your own weight: There are two methods in doing this. One is to visit a sauna and regularly go there as a less energy-demanding option. The other would be to regularly work out by hiking or riding on a bike.

WARNING: Do not attempt to do both at the same time unless if you are a trained professional. Results may vary.

How to Ride a Bike: Sit on the bike and place your feet on the pedals. Push one foot forward after the other to make it go. Once you get to speed, you can turn the handles to change direction. Unless you're using training wheels, try your best to maintain balance, especially when you slow down to brake. Oh, and be sure to wear safety gear. Don't say the kiddie shows didn't warn you.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Jan 4th 2019 at 10:56:01 PM

How To Sit:

1. Find a place to sit on.

2. Move your buttocks to the place where you want to sit.

3. When you cannot move your butt anymore, stop.

4. Get some ice cream to celebrate what you did.

How to move your butt:

Shift and tilt your pelvis in whichever way you need. Sticking your butt out Kardashian-style? Tilt your pelvis and lower back as far back as possible (don't worry if it's uncomfortable or even painful, beauty is pain after all). Doing a hip shimmy? Sway your hips from side to side.

Once you've figured these out, feel free to hit the dance floor, because your ass is now golden.

How to Hit the Dance Floor: Dress up for the occasion, go on to the dance floor when it's party time, and bust those dance moves! What sorts of dances you can do depends on your skills and the kind of dance that's expected in the event. If you're ill-prepared for it, prepare to be a laughingstock and a subject of a viral video.

How to be a subject to a viral video:

There's a few methods in doing this.

Step 1) Do something awesome and record it on video

OR

Step 1) Make a funny joke that's either

A) So bad that other people laugh at it in an ironic way. (Example: Effortless shitposts)

B) So good that it makes people laugh unironically.

Step 2) Hope that someone notices your post and sends the screencap of it to a notable Youtuber with a sizable amount of subscribers, who will in turn feature that post in their next video.

DISCLAIMER: We advise that you do this anonymously. We are not responsible for any sort of embarrassment or unwanted attention that will stay in the years to come.

Bump!

How to record video:

1. Find a camera.

2. See if it records video.

3. Have it record video.

4. Upload it to You Tube.

How to See if a Camera Records Video:

1. Set the camera into a mode that you assume records video.

2. Push the button that you assume starts recording video.

3. Place the camera on the ground. You may curse a historical figure or dead relative while bending over, but it's optional to your taste.

4. Run and jump over the camera. Bonus points for doing some sweet karate moves.

5. Check the camera to see if you can find the footage of your jump and/or sweet karate moves.

6. If the footage is missing, repeate steps 1-5 using every combination of buttons on the camera. If this results in failure, the camera does not record video.

Edited by WestSharp on Jun 11th 2019 at 11:29:05 AM

How to jump:

1) Ensure that you have legs or other limbs that serve to support your body's weight.

2) Make a spring from the ground or other base by flexion and sudden muscular extension of the legs.

3) Allow gravity to return your body to aforementioned ground or other base. Landing on feet optimal, but optional.

How to ensure that you have legs:

You can proceed:

1. either visually: bend down your head and use your eyes to scan the space below your waist;

2. or through the touch: extend your arms downwards and explore with your hands the space below your waist (on the sides, not at the center, at least when you're in a public place);

3. or by hearsay: ask a friend.

Edited by YourBloodyValentine on Jun 13th 2019 at 3:38:55 PM

How to ensure that you have a waist:

1. Ensure you have the normal amount of organs (heart, lungs, gallbladder, stomach)

2. Make sure you also have a diaphragm and a digestive system.

3. Make sure you are a human (Most Writers Are Human after all) and not someone's pet dog typing erratically at the keyboards...

4. Followed steps 1, 2 and 3? Congratulations, you have a waist, Earthling! Now, report to the alien mother-ship!

Edited by sabrina_diamond on Jun 14th 2019 at 12:02:16 AM

How to ensure that you have a heart:

This one might be a bit difficult, seeing as you can't just look inside. However, most living animals do indeed have hearts, so unless you are a plant or a jellyfish, you are likely to have one.

However, circumstances may have arised in which you have lost your heart. Do you remember, perhaps, losing your heart to the forces of darkness, only to wake up an empty husk of your former self? Perhaps you removed your heart willingly, and put it in a box to ensure your immortality?

If any of the above is true, you do not have a heart. Otherwise, congratulations! You have a heart.

How to Lose Your Heart:

Either have open heart surgery, get it forcefully ripped out of your chest and shown to another person or lose a loved one. Or just follow the above instructions.

How to Lose a Loved One:

Tell them you hate them for any number of reasons.

Note: Results most likely will vary. +Do this responsibly or one of them may start plotting your death. ++We're not responsible but we'll be sorry for any deaths.

How to Get a Superpower:

Create a potion, drink it, and then be happy.

How to be happy:

1. Ignore the suffering of the world.

2. Skip around a lot.

How To Skip

1. Buy a DVD Player

2. Find the button on the remote that has a triangle with a line in front

2. Put both on the ground and move around them in a motion similar to jump roping

Edited by WhiteCheddaPikachu on Jun 24th 2019 at 9:36:32 AM

BUMP!

How to Buy a DVD Player:

1. Research shops online.

2. If you see a shop that sells DVD players, write the name of the store down.

3. Find where the shop is.

4. Get some money.

5. Go into the store.

6. Find a DVD player.

7. Bring it to the check-out aisle.

8. Using the money that you have, exchange that for your money.

How To Exist:

1: Buy an Existence monthly plan. If you don't buy it you implode.

2: Install the Existence software. This may take some days. Do not turn it off or you explode.

3: Congratulations, you exist.