Creating an Abusive Parent

While I know that this trope is practically a cliche, I still think that it can be done right in certain stories with proper prose and such. For example, in my Sci-Fi story one of the mercenaries that the plot follows around had a parent that both physically and sexually abused her as a child. I want to create his character in a manner that doesn't make it too melodramatic and I want him to be legitimately creepy and a bit of a bastard to say the least. Her childhood becomes a plot device later (I can elaborate more if anyone is concerned). So does anyone have any ideas about creating an abusive parent that is effective; or should I just avoid the trope altogether?

See this thread and this thread. Maybe this thread too!

I'll mention this thread too.

Perhaps this thread as well. Abusive Parents often utilize "social", less obvious tactics, as well as blatant physical and sexual abuse.

I... was a victim of an abusive parent so...erm, feel free to pick my brain.

Thank you for your input and your willingness to assist me! I personally am and have not been abused in my life, but I have an idea of what it's like. Oh and... This may seem crass but I read your post about your past experiences and I truly, really do sympathize with you. If only one could give hugs over the internet... But nonetheless I want to make the reader(s) sympathize with her (my character) but I don't want to make it overly melodramatic. I had the idea of her father giving her mostly what she wanted but all in all, he was a bastard because of how he manipulated her. I can evaluate on this more if anyone is interested in giving their input.

Thank you; it's appreciated. If only, eh?

Ah, manipulation. That I know well. How exactly does he manipulate her? What does he say or do to get her to believe X? What's his apparent motive in manipulating his daughter?

Depending on how those questions are answered, it changes how his character is percieved, and what the potential effects on his victim are. I'll give my personal example to illustrate. My father tried for six years to manipulate me (I refused to let it work, because I knew what was going on), and thankfully failed. All he did was really fuck up my head, and give me major effing trust issues (and a genetic condition - yaaaay -_-;).

He couldn't separate me from my mother; to him, I was an extension of her. He would regularly say things like, "You know I'd never say anything bad about your mother, but she's making you think things that aren't true. She's a liar, and you know can't trust her, right? She's making all this crap (my myriad medical issues, which have recently required that I get a wheelchair... so, no, they're not made up), making you sick... She hates me, and she uses you to get to me. ...I love you, [REDACTED]." I never believed him because those were the things that he was doing. He would also taunt me, telling me that I was "just like your slut of a mother" or addressing me as, "Little Bitch."

He would play mind games with me, trying to tell me that either I was A) mentally ill and defective as a person or B) a puppet with no right to an opinion of my own or even basic kindness. I remember one incident where I went into a major asthmatic attack and nearly died. I had to go to the ER. Why did the attack happen? Because he refused to give me my medication; sometimes, I had to steal it. When we left the hosptital and returned to his house, I was better (thanks to treatment). That night, I tried to take my medication, and he literally held it above my head, refusing to let me have it, telling me that I was "a liar - you were just pretending to be sick! You just wanted the attention! You weren't ever sick at all; you caused me all that trouble! You don't need this shit. Liars get nothing, you little retard. Once you learn that, and stop lying to me, then maybe you'll get this..." Those were his words, something I can't seem to block out.

Those were typical of his rants, and he would often be physically violent at the same time, yanking my shoulders out of their sockets (which happens frequently thanks to the genetic condition), forcing me down, etc.

Forgive me, but...I think I need to take a short break... *sigh* Damn PTSD...

Oh my god, that's so horrible! Your dad sounds like a really nice guy (/sarcasm). My character's (her name is Bethany, by the way) dad is kinda like that I suppose, but he's not as much of an overt asshole to her, he's more subtle and menacing (not that your dad isn't by any stretch of the imagination). She lived alone with him because her mother either died or left him with her... So imagine not having any other family member to fall back on...

That just...words, lots of words.

I have some experience with abuse. Not my parents; they are pretty cool. But one of my childhood friends was abused. She still hasn't escaped it, though being a legal adult she could just leave. That just shows how screwed up it has made her. I really wish I had called the police when I first found out about it (but no, I promised I wouldn't...).

The problem is it is mostly mental, emotional, and fincial abuse (though her father did hit her and her mother a handful of times, that I know of at least). Her father seems okay when you first meet him, if a little overprotective; the truth is he's extremely controlling. He also belittles her constantly, leaving her with no self-confidence. Her mother allows this to happen rather passively and gets in on the crippling overprotection (seriously, she's a legal adult. she shouldn't have to call her mommy when she arrives at my place or call to see if it's okay that we go somewhere). Her older sister has in the past few years also turned to belittling her.

Basically they treat a young woman as a six year old, while at the same time taking the money she earns to pay their bills.

edited 8th Sep '11 2:50:49 PM by MurkyMuse

Man. This thread is once again making me realize my arms will never, ever be long enough to hug all the people who need hugging.

Kind of makes me wonder how my own Abusive Parent character will go over. He's not designed to be over-the-top, even though real-life examples prove it wouldn't be off base—he's a more subtle Manipulative Bastard; the kind of abusive parent whom you couldn't really call child services on because he's not technically doing anything wrong in the eyes of any law but he clearly treats his daughter as an object and controls her while at the same time denying her her right to be who she actually is. I personally found him rather disgusting, but I'm not sure if readers will agree.

That's kind of how my friend's father is. Except for the couple of times he has been physically abusive, all the abuse is manipulation. Which is why I shared it as an example for the more subtle abuse.

@Punk I must say you are an inspiration. Not becuase I enjoy yiur suffering but becuase I want to convey that pain through a character.

As you may recall from the other thread I was social bullied as well, problem is that I don't rmemeber it ver well (that angers me).

My objetive is to be able to trasmit that pain hrough a story and being able to give hope to people in this situation.

I hope everything turns oout well in your life. I you need someone to talk with pm me.

@ all: I'll post more if it will help. Your characters all sound very good. I need to lose myself for a bit before that happens, though, since flashbacks have started since I began to talk about it. As has the shame, in a big way. So... if I'm unresponsive for a while, that's why.

Some people deal by talking about it a lot, I deal by keeping quiet so as to not draw attention. That is all.

The protagonist of one of my novels has an abusive parent. I think an important thing to think of when you are writing about abuse is why the abuse is happening. Why is it that the parent is abusive? Did they experience a trauma related to their child? Were they abused as a child? Do they suffer a psychological condition? Are they under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and if so is there a reason they turned to substance abuse?

Just some things to consider.

edited 11th Sep '11 11:27:59 AM by MechaJesus

So, if I'm reading this right...you want to create a father that's definately abusive, but subtle enough that your character won't realize it?

Whoo, I'm so glad I found a topic on this! Since I admit that I've lived a relatively nice life (But hugs to all those who had to deal with abusive parents IRL and still dealing with them. I hope you manage to find some happiness!), I don't have experience with them, save from reading/watching stuff involving them in books or TV. I actually have plans to write a Pokémon fan fic with a lead character who escapes from her abusive family, but I'm wondering if I can receive some input on this before doing anything. Some things I write tend to be misconstrued as being something else, which I admit is mostly due to inexperience on my part, so I want to avoid this with the scenario I have going on here.

So my main character, an eleven-year-old girl, has a big, well-to-do, church-going family on the surface. Her father is very involved with the church, her mother is a Housewife, and has six younger siblings. But underneath the seemingly perfect image they're putting out, things are very different behind closed doors. The girl—who I named Leigh—is basically used as little more than free labor for the parents, solely to raise her younger siblings and parent them, from cleaning up messes such as spilled drinks (And the kids are at an age where they can be easily taught to clean up messed by themselves) to constantly being made to help them with everything. She's constantly dressed in plain clothes, denied simple pleasures such as privacy, free time, ice cream, or pretty much anything fun, because her father believes everything not directly involving the church is a sin. Her father, basically the Standard '50s Father not unlike Joseph Sugarman, is extremely stoic, stern, and makes Leigh be a little surrogate mother to his other children for the sole purpose of making her into the perfect wife and mother, as apparently it's a family tradition that all first born girls in the family are expected to be housewives and mothers, nothing else. He is also a very firm believer in "the first sin is disobedience" and expects Leigh to be completely and unquestionably obedient to him and his wife to the point of being entirely self-effacing. At one point, he outright slaps her in the face and makes her cry because at one point she accidentally went out of the house without shoes on—calling her immodest despite her being fully clothed save for shoes. He and his wife also frequently go out on long vacations and leave Leigh to take care of her younger siblings, often without telling anyone, because they can't be bothered to take care of or parent their own kids and would rather have fun or attend church parties. Before her Pokemon journey begins, her father finds out that she plans on leaving via reading her diary and mail, both invasions of privacy, and when confronted about it, he slaps Leigh, calls her a sinner for wanting to partake in sinful, barbaric activities, and tries to confine her to the house. Her mother doesn't do much other than agree with him on everything. This finally convinces Leigh that she can't stay any longer and manages to escape the very next night with the help of another sibling.

So yeah...I have a lot planned for this one. For anyone who's familiar with The Baby-Sitters Club, she's basically Mallory Pike, family situation and all, only I plan on actually addressing and treating Leigh's situation very seriously, and she won't be a perpetual Butt-Monkey. But would any of what I wrote make Leigh's parents out to be abusive? I want to make sure what I write doesn't get misconstrued. One time, I attempted to write a main character's parents as being nice and generally kind, but are having trouble with their teenage child who's been acting out, but some people claimed they were abusive and neglectful instead, which I didn't intend and did try to fix. Would anyone like to offer their input on this? I'd really appreciate it!

(Changed my character's name to Leigh. It fits better)

Edited by TwilightPegasus on May 22nd 2019 at 8:14:15 AM

I would say yes. The physical aspects of it combined with their treating her as a laborer (having your kids help you with errands is one thing; this is something else entirely) all point towards them being abusive.

Oh good! Thanks for your input! (Wow, never thought I'd say that about something like this) Now all I need to do is see if I can put any of this into practice when I actually write it out.

Edited by TwilightPegasus on May 21st 2019 at 8:04:58 AM

I'd been debating posting here, since this didn't seem much a "come here for input" thread going by the OP. But there hasn't been any activity in a while so I figure worst case I get told so and move elsewhere.

Anywho, by amusing coincidence, I've also been working on an abusive parent for a Pokemon story, though my parent is more emotionally abusive/manipulative than physical. I'm a little concerned about whether I've got the idea down or not. Like am I too over the top? Not over the top enough? That kind of thing.

I'll put the specifics into a folder to avoid a giant wall o' text, but what I'm aiming for is basically when your parent is the head coach of a team and insists you be the best one there, even if you, yourself, have your own ideas.

Edited by sgamer82 on Jul 13th 2019 at 11:21:03 AM