Your Funniest Tabletop Story

Or Sorcerer, Paladin, Favoured Soul, Warlock...

Actually he only said Bard or Sorcerer. And I can just lie and say the Warlock isn't using CHA...

Kribnefka III is on the way.

From yesterday's session of the Kingdom Hearts-inspired game I'm running:

First, the wizard tried to use Baleful Polymorph on a giant shadow snake to turn it into a puppy. On his caster level check he rolled a natural 1. I was a bit confused at first, but then decided, magical backfire. First I used another d20 roll to check against my fumble chart; the result was a 6 (friendly fire, very detrimental effect). I ruled that he hit the party's fighter. She made her save, but... very detrimental effects are very detrimental. She now has a permanent curse. Any time someone rolls a natural 1, she transforms into a puppy until either the encounter ends or someone rolls a natural 20.

A little later, one of the characters received a weapon of light. The wizard, due to the influence of a weapon of darkness, promptly decided to try to destroy it. He cast a spell called Metalmelt on it - which caused it to become a watery puddle for one round before resuming its usual form - then used Mage Hand to throw it into what I had described as an "abyss". The fighter was currently climbing down a rope into that abyss, and I now regret a missed opportunity; because she was far enough down for the weapon to have reformed before it reached her, I should have had the wizard make an attack roll against her. In any case, the situation from there deteriorated into zero-gravity slapstick...

edited 3rd Mar '11 4:07:32 PM by Ezekiel

I've been playing Hunter: The Reckoning with some people from college. I'm playing a grizzled, alcoholic man named Brian McLane, and one of his specialties is in cover stories.

We're tracking down the person responsible for a series of grave robbings, and as part of the investigation we stop by the coroners. One of the coroner's assistants is a rather oblivious stoner. Eventually we discover that someone's purchasing embalming fluid off the book. We suspect stoner boy so I fire an etheric tracker (a ridiculously expensive tracking gun) on him and we follow him in a van.

Eventually we reach an apartment complex, but the door is locked. My friend tries to pick the lock but the stoner opens the door before he can finish. Thinking quickly, I roll for a cover story.

One success.

Me: Oh, uh, we just wanted to let you know that we saw some people following you in a van. Just, uh, watch out.
Stoner: What's that guy doing kneeling by the door?
Me: He worships doors.
Friend (crossing himself): The lock, the jam, the holy key, amen.

It still worked.

edited 3rd Mar '11 4:49:09 PM by Magus

Also, is there a PBP game that would be willing to take Kribnefka in?

Right. So my new group fires up a Wo D campaign. Our GM tells us roll up two characters- one traditional character and one video game or comic character of our choice. Game characters were used in the "Shadoworld", actual characters in "Normalworld". The games would take place on both separate planes. The over arching plot is games were leaking into the real world, and so occasionally we'd be pitted against our shadow-world selves. We also ran this alongside Betrayal At The House On The Hill, so each of us had custom cards for stats. Normalworld sections were ran Wo D style. Shadoworld was ran in Betrayal. Here was our crew:

Normalworld:

• Tofu, a computer hacker/nerd with ridiculous points in Computer and Hacking- like a crazy Nepeta/Karkat lovechild
• Nathan, a Scary Black Man with a love for My Little Pony and the ability to bench-press a car
• Luka, a Lovable Rogue with a silver tongue and a penchant for snazzy headwear
• Rachel, Nathan's girlfriend and modelled after the "Final Girl"
• Adrian, a sarcastic asshat with connections.

Shadoworld:

• Tofu -> Vriska Serket
• Nathan -> Fifty Cent
• Luka -> Albert Wesker
• Rachel -> Ambassador Torio
• Adrian -> Kefka Palazzo

You can tell this'll be interesting.

First round, Normalworld, characters meet eachother and such, boring. Shadoworld, things were normal until Fifty Cent started the Haunt. Of course, it was the dragon.

In the end, Torio sacrificed herself to save Vriska, Wesker ended up being Vriska's shield and Vriska ended up killing Fifty. Next game, they all wake up in the foyer, alive and fine.

Vriska: Wait a goddamn second! I remember this distinctly- (points at Wesker) You were charcoal, (points at Torio) you were well-intentioned charcoal- (points at Fifty) AND YOU WERE AN ASSHOLE!

—

Next few games and we finally roll Resident Evil as the Leak of the week. Tofu it's revealed is essentially an RE encyclopedia. Wesker discovers the Mystic Elevator in Shadoworld and comes to Normalworld on the proper roll. He discovers there's someone who knows how to kill him, so he goes to directly attack the party who has NO chance of winning, so they deduce he's after Tofu, which leads to this:

Luka: Tofu, YOU are our best weapon against him.

Tofu: Are you kidding me?! I'm no weapon- I, I'm like a page on TV Tropes! With words an' info and the occasional vandal—

Luka: THEN YOU'RE THE SPOILER TAG WITH THE CHEAT CODES IN IT.

So they basically play a city-wide game of tag to avoid Wesker until they can trick him into leaving. Instead, they lure him into battle over a vat of acid. Nathan rolls to throw Wesker into the acid. He rolls seven successes. PLOOP!

Wesker wakes up in the House next game which has half the bottom floor open. He landed in a closet. Get it open. There's Vriska and Fifty playing poker. He leaves the closet, Vriska sees him, runs to the door:

Vriska: HEY GUYS, WESKER JUST CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!

...We had to pause due to laughter.

(EDITS for redlinks due to Vriska's typing quirk.)

edited 12th Mar '11 10:19:58 AM by Tofu

So, we did something a little different last night, a collaborative story kind-of-game with no GM, based on a thingy that Jake had heard about in an RPPR actual play. All three of us were gods, and were in charge of creating the universe together. Each person would take turns narrating what they did to form said universe, and the other players could attempt to challenge that player, bidding from a limited cache of points to try and change things to their liking.

I got the first turn, so my god was charged with being the first mover. Thus, Zolgoth, father of the spheres cubes (I kid you not, David challenged me on my name right out the starting gate), sat down on his couch in his beer gut-exposing golden armor and started watching white noise on his TV because there existed no form from which to receive channels. Then he cracked open a beer that was warm and shaken up, and spilled foam onto his floor, which coalesced into numerous spheres that began orbiting one another.

Then David's god emerged emerged from the open can, and Jake's from inside the television, and things got strange.

After eons of Jake and David moving the tiny beer world from room to room, arguing over who should get control of it, the world finally ended up inside the television. I reached into the darkness and attempted to craft a race of void beings to kick the two boneheads out of my apartment-verse, but Jake just kept punching them to death as fast as I crafted them. In my mourning, I took their formless corpses and crafted a bitchin' shag carpet for my living room, which became the underworld. Then David decided the universe needed a heaven and painted a mural on my ceiling the side of my van, until Jake convinced the dragons in the mural to come to life and trash my van, and then David convinced them to move to my ceiling where they belonged and become heaven.

Somewhere along the line, I made a sandwich, spilling mayonnaise on the ground which spawned a race of mayonnaise giants that swore revenge against the gods for abandoning them on the kitchen floor. Meanwhile, David was building a model train roller coaster to function as a sort of purgatory, giving souls a taste of both heaven and hell.

At some point, since I had lost my desire for beer for pretty much forever, I got a glass of water from the kitchen and accidentally spilled on the TV stand, where it slowly started creeping toward the television to cause a massive flood. Jake warned his followers to build an ark, but the mayonnaise giants intervened, taking the form of sea serpents and sinking the ark. Just then, the light bulb in my apartment fizzled out, plunging the universe into darkness. In his despair, David saved his purest follower to become his wife and retreated to his bedroom to sleep for eternity, while Jake dissipated into oblivion and I hooked up my Xbox to settle the score with the mayonnaise giants once and for all.

Greatest. Ragnarok. Ever.

This Is Your Premise on Drugs! What Do You Mean, It Wasn't Made on Drugs?!

Zog me, it's beautiful.

Tell your GM I'm going to steal his idea.

Still the same Victoriana campaign. In previous sessions, we had managed to piss of the rajah of Dehli through various shenanigans. After absconding from the Red Fort with all of the captured party members (including a daring rescue literally snatching me off the gallows), we decided that the best exit strategy is commandeering a zeppelin.

For those unfamiliar, zeppelins in Victoriana are very much the airship in 8-Bit Theater if you don't actually know how to fly one. The only reason we manage to escape in the damn thing is because the party's Thuggee priest is able to do some freaky blood magic that lets him get the knowledge of how to operate the thing from eating the brains of the former crew. Unfortunately it only lasts a little while, and by the time we're trying to land a week later, we're all out of brains.

In the course of fucking up trying to land, we activate the zeppelin's anti-intruder weapons and send a bolt of lightning through the passenger compartment, nearly wipe a city off the map with a Wave-Motion Gun we didn't know we had, and go into a crash trajectory. Eventually, we decided to all pile into a shipping crate, have the mage cast a flight spell on two of the burliest Thuggee underlings, and have them carry it to the ground. The priest, struggling to the last to avoid crashing, makes one last prayer. Kali decides to go all divine intervention and teleport all of her followers aboard to a temple. Including the two guys carrying the box.

Thus, thirty feet above the ground gravity suddenly takes notice of a crate full of PC's being held up by ... absolutely nothing. A motion is proposed and swiftly approved that all gods are assholes.

Another little one from Shadoworld/Normalworld:

Tofu: You wouldn't sacrifice your life for a pretty girl? WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU, ADRIAN?!

Adrian: Not a man at all!

—

Wesker: (telling everyone about his life pre-House)

Vriska: So this Chris guy's your Kismesis, huh? Aww, where'd you have your first candlelight hate-date?

Wesker: WHAT.

Fifty Cent: I think she callin' you gay, mang.

Wesker: WHAT. NO. JUST NO.

Vriska: Oh, come on! This Chris guy's OBVIOUSLY your Kismesis. You two are so blackrom you're practically shitting spades here!

Kefka: (since he has JUST learned this new word from Fifty) Wesker is a faaaa~g! Wesker is a faaaaa~g! (not that he knows what this means, mind you, he just knows it's offensive.)

Wesker: COME OFF IT, ALL OF YOU.

—

Then when Chris DID show up in the House for a spell (GMPC, brought in for lulz)...

Wesker: CHRIS.

Fifty Cent: Oh, dis' your gay black— whatever, mang? Look' pretty whi' t' me.

Wesker: Did I NOT just go over this? There is NOTHING here but pure hate!

Torio: Now, now, Mr. Jackson, don't interrupt their candlelight hate date.

Wesker: VRISSSKKAAAAAAAAA!

And she of course started Haunt that round too. This time, the house was falling into Hell. Vriska won. And the second they wake up in the foyer:

Wesker: Because I didn't get to finish last time, VRISSKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Our bard managed to kill a non minion enemy with an attack called "Vicious Mockery" That alone was hilarious enough for the group. And then I asked him. "Wait? So what do you say anyways?"

Put on the spot, he umms a bit, then says..."You...Suck!" and the DM dramatically reals back "Arrrg! Noooo! It's not...true! Bleh"

I then tell him that if he's going to use that power again, he really needs to think up some stock insults before hand. Because this was too silly.

Edit:

I just thought of something way better.

For another campaign I was doing, I played a dwarf slayer. We were doing some investigating down at a warehouse looking for a drug smuggler when we saw that some fireknives gang members had beaten us to it. We got a surprise round that encounter. I wanted to use my action to charge one of the thugs, but he was behind a wall of creates. After asking if the creates were climbable (They apparently weren't) my logical solution was to barrel through the crates, whilst shouting "OOHHHHH YEEEEEAAAAAAAAA!"

Which as it happened to be, the crates were full of explosives.

I saved against both the damage and the blinding effect. The NPC didn't.

edited 15th Mar '11 2:26:55 AM by CommandoDude

So....why not "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

How did you know that was the next thing someone else said?

So, during our last Pathfinder session, we got a Paladin by the name of Richard Beaufort.

We met him when we had to retrieve one of the game's Mac Guffins from some vampires descended from one of the heroes in the backstory, who had become evil over time. He mentioned having a blood feud with them.

Anyway, the moment came when he met their leader, sitting on a throne and wearing the magic cloak we need. The Paladin reveals his weapon- a spiked chain- and draws it back, activating its Undead Bane, Flaming, and Holy abilities (as well as using Smite Evil) all with one phrase:

"DIE MONSTER! YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!"

^WIN.

^^Because all Dn D games inevitably devolve into Monty Python quotes?

It was. Especially since he's going to say that every time we run into undead. Or outsiders.

Also, I've been trying to figure out how a Dracula Druid would work.

edited 15th Mar '11 2:22:27 PM by Krautman

^Don't forget abberants, or any races native to the underdark, or suspicious-looking barkeeps.

Summoning bat swarms and throwing flaming spheres, I assume?

edited 16th Mar '11 7:34:23 AM by darnpenguin

In 4e, i would say "perfectly". Control Weather, Wild Shape, can turn into a bat or rat...if Pathfinder has those it could work well too.

edited 16th Mar '11 8:45:44 AM by EgregiousEric

I just found out my old group is doing a follow-up campaign from the one where Kribnefka ascended. Here's the state of the world.

Kribnefka's massive kegger has united the countries on six continents out of nine, at least in spirit. Aboleths no longer view surface-dwellers as inferior, the majority of demons and devils are no longer evil (instead becoming Neutral). Kobolds aren't evil anymore, and view all species as equals. Seven Goblin tribes have been supplied with Rings of Sustenance, so their hunger is gone. They're learning to make them for themselves, and are keeping to themselves without a need.

The Chromatic dragons have been driven to extinction. Sapient Oozes live in cities. Undead are the basis of all public services (sanitation, road maintenance, etc.). Magical beasts are commonplace.

Also, there is a massive cathedral where Kribnefka's kegger started and finished. It's rented out frequently for public gatherings and birthdays, since it's got a permanent Magnificent Mansion on it.

Our Warlock, on the other hand, has ascended to the throne of both hells with help from God!Kribnefka and the neutral demons and devils who got converted at the kegger. One hell is now used as a peaceful afterlife for Neutral souls, while the other is used for the punishment of evil souls prior to reincarnation. He attained godhood as well, and is now the LG god of justice, incarceration, and punishment. He looks incredibly demonic, though.

Our Druid created a valley for endangered species, such as dinosaurs. It's a pretty nice setup since he's now immortal.

Our Cleric opened a Pantheon, with a massive statue of every god. Kribnefka and the Warlock have their own shrines in it. Standing from the eastern entrance, it looks like Kribnefka, the Warlock, and Cayden Cailean are high-fiving. He's dead.

Oh, also, the elves are extinct. The Dragicorn descendants of the dragon I tricked took the "kill elves" thing to heart.

That is an awesome legacy. Praise Kribnefka!

So let's talk about balls.

I have them. My character also has them. We're playing a game of Don't Rest Your Head, and I am playing 'Bill Irons, a scared, frightened accountant whose powers all rest on fear and terror (and paperwork. He is the only member to have a job, leads the party, and until the recent addition of Waggleton P. Tallylicker, was pretty much the only rational person in the party.

But he cracked recently when he had to repair a party member's broken arm by spending a ton of money. She broke her arm trying to attack a Pain 8 creature with hatchets.

Now he had no money after doing this to buy food. So now he's angry.

And there's a bank nearby.

What does he do?

Walk into the bank with pants unzipped and balls dangling out, while using maximum Madness to cause everyone to be so afraid of him that they simply hand him money. Technically it's not theft; I never asked them to give me money!

AND IT WORKED.

Batman's foe, The Scarecrow, would like a word with you.

edited 29th Mar '11 3:58:36 AM by MadWritter

My friends and I did an odd couple crime-themed RP about two guys just out of prison getting dragged back into the criminal underworld. I was playing Benny Hammond, a brutal ex-mafia goon who gets back into his groove fairly quickly, while David was playing Frank, a guy who just wanted to start a clean life.

The most fun part was the fact that we were using the newer World Of Darkness Storytelling system, morality and all. This resulted in poor little Frank developing severe mental illness over the course of the first session while the already sociopath Benny just shrugged off all the atrocities they committed (I failed one morality roll, but saved against the derangement).

Well, that and the fact that Frank kept trying to use his wits and charm to keep the two out of trouble, but Benny was too beefy to ever bother learning subtlety.

• Frank: Alright, let's order some drinks and lay low for a bit. If we eavesdrop on the conversations going on,we can probably figure out who their leader is.
• Benny: [rival gang] BLOWS! I'm guessing it's the guy at the front of that angry-looking pack approaching us.

• "Hey, aren't you the two thugs who caused that big ol' fight at my bar earlier today?"
• Frank: What? No. What are you talking about?
• Benny: Yeah, that was us.

• Frank: (to love interest working for rival gang) If I bring you in there right now, your father will likely kill you. If you promise to leave quietly and not cause any trouble, I'll let you out of the van and won't mention we saw you out at the bridge.
• Benny: Eddie! We're back and we found your daughter!

Common ending to all three events...

• Frank: Goddamn it, Benny!