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Quotes / Red Dwarf

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’’This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister’s only companions are a lifeform who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.’’
Holly, starting from Episode 2 of Series 1.

Lister: (singing) To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...
Rimmer: Lister.
Lister: Huh?
Rimmer: Have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?
(Lister shakes his head)
Rimmer: No? Stop that and push the trolley.
Lister: (mockingly) Yes, sir, Rimmer!
Rimmer: Right, Corridor 159, chicken soup nozzle clogged.
(Lister hums the same song)
Rimmer: Lister, shut up!
Lister: I'm only humming!
Rimmer: Well don't.
(Lister is slapping his cheeks)
Rimmer: Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.
(Lister makes clicking noises)
Rimmer: Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report, miladdo. What job number's this?
(Lister mimes to Rimmer)
Rimmer: Right! That's it! (writing on his clipboard) "Lister, D., Third Technician. Offense: Obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking, and being quiet." When the Captain sees this you're dead.
— The opening lines of the series, "The End"

Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive, Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate, and a creature that evolved from the ship's Cat. Message ends.
Holly, opening every episode of series 2

Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?
Holly: They're dead, Dave.
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody, Dave.
Lister: What, Captain Hollister?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Todhunter?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Selby?
Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Petersen isn't, is he?
Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.
Lister: Not Chen?
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave!
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He's dead, Dave! Everybody is dead! Everybody! Is! Dead! Dave!
Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Holly: ...I should have never let him out in the first place.
— Lister awakening from stasis to find that—well, you know, "The End"

No such thing as Silicon Heaven? Then where do all the calculators go?
Kryten 2X4B-523P and Hudzen-10 at different points, "The Last Day"

It's a garbage pod. It's a smegging garbage pod!
Arnold J. Rimmer, "Waiting For God"

Rimmer: Twelve? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.
Lister: Of course I wasn't!
Rimmer: You did on a golf course and you weren't a member?
Lister: Of course I wasn't.
Rimmer: You didn't pay any green fees?
Lister: It was just a place to go.
Rimmer: I used to play golf. I hate people who abuse the facilities.
— "Marooned"

It's [the Emohawk] stolen my cool, it's taken all my style. I need a mirror. I got no grace, no elan, no poise. What's it turned me into? (realising) Duane Dibley? Duane Dibley?
Cat, "Emohawk: Polymorph II"

Lister: Well, come with us back to Dallas, November '63. Be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll.
John F. Kennedy: You mean... assassinate myself?
Lister: Yeah. It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy but, they'll never figure it out.
— "Tikka To Ride"

Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
Ace Rimmer's catchphrase

What a guy.
Anyone, after meeting Ace Rimmer

Holly: Hope they've got some odds and sods on board [the Nova 5]. We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: (drinking tea) Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. We ran out of that yonks ago.
Lister: ...What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency backup supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister: Dog's milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness. Full of vitamins. Full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. And the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Hol?
Holly: What, and spoil your tea?

Has requested sick leave due to diarrhoea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero.

There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility but constantly fails the engineering exam. Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical.
Captain's Remarks on Dave Lister and Arnold J. Rimmer, read by Holly, "Waiting for God"

I'll tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.
Dave Lister, "Demons & Angels"

Lister: That letter, that letter, there, there.
Cat: Hey hey hey, I've got you now buddy! J-O-Z-X-Y-Q-K!
Lister: That's not a word.
Cat: It's a Cat word.
Lister: Jozxyqk?
Cat: That's not how you pronounce it!
Lister: What does it mean?
Cat: It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something. Jozxyqk!
Lister: Is it in the dictionary?
Cat: Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick! Jozx-y-qk!
Dave Lister (in Rimmer's body), playing Scrabble with the Cat, "Bodyswap"

Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole, its main distinguishing feature, is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer: But five of them? How can you manage to miss five black holes?
Holly: (sarcastically) It's always the way, isn't it? You wait three million years for one to come along, then all of a sudden five turn up at once.
— "Marooned"

When I saw you for the first time (first time)
My knees began to quiver (quiver)
And I got a funny feeling (feeling)
In my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)
My hands they started shakin' (shakin')
My heart began a-thumpin' (boom boom boom)
My breakfast left my body (huey huey huey)
It all really tells me something
Girl you make me tongue tied
(tongue tied)
Tongue tied, whenever you are near me (near me)
Tied tongue (tied tongue)
Tied tongue (tied tongue)
Whenever you're in town
Cat, (with Lister and Rimmer as backup) singing "Tongue Tied", "Parallel Universe"

Lister: Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens, as well.
Rimmer: Well, we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
Lister: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?
Rimmer: Just because they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister: ...well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.
— "Kryten"

Rimmer: May I remind you of Space Corps Directive 34124?
Kryten: 34124? No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity?
Rimmer: Damn you both, all the way to Hades! I want to go to Blue Alert!
Lister: Okay, okay.
(Blue alert silently lights up)
Rimmer: Thank you, a bit of professionalism.
Kryten: Wait, I've got something. I'm punching it up.
Lister: Too small for a vessel. Maybe some kind of missile.
Kryten: It's impossible to tell at this range. Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own!
Lister: So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company.
Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert.
Kryten: Are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Rimmer: There's always some excuse isn't there?
Lister: Range: 15,000 gigooks and closing.
Kryten: Direct collision course. Suggest evasive action!
Cat: Engaging re-heat.
(Starbug evades the missile)
Lister: It's still with us! It's some kind of heat-seeker — we can't outrun it!
Cat: That's it! We're deader than tank-tops!
Rimmer: Suggestions?
Kryten: Sir? May I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy-fodder? This will, of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologise in advance.
Rimmer: Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube.
Lister: Kryten, sit down! I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing.
Rimmer: Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communications channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequncies and in all known languages, including Welsh. ...This is Acting Senior Officer Arnold J. Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vessel Starbug. Now hear this, as it's only coming once: (quickly) We surrender totally and without condition thank you for your time. (normally) Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry, thank you, sorry, 'Bye. 'Bye, sorry, thank you. 'Bye.
Lister: Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels!
— "Legion"

It's not a bar room brawl, it's a bar room tidy. Unrumble!
Dave Lister, "Backwards"

I never want to see or hear from scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded smeghead in my entire life!
Dave Lister on Arnold J. Rimmer after seeing The Rimmer Experience, "Blue"

It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.
Kryten 2X4B-523P to Dave Lister, "Ouroboros"

Queeg: Okay, suckers, get this into your stupid thick heads. There's only one thing I'm going to say to you.
Lister: What?
Queeg: (in Holly's voice) What's happening, dudes?
(Holly appears in Queeg's place)
Holly: We are talking Jape of the Decade. We are talking April, May, June, July, and August Fool. Yes, that's right: I am Queeg.
Rimmer: What!?
Holly: Queeg never existed. It was me all along.
Rimmer: What!?
Holly: Wheeze of the week, mate!
Rimmer: What?!?
Holly: Going round in circles for fourteen months? Getting my information from the Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space? The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?
Lister: You mean you staged the whole thing?
Holly: (Queeg's voice) That's right, suckers! (Normal voice) And the moral of the story is: Appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!

You are a stupid, square-headed bald git aren't you, eh? I'm pointing at you, I'm pointing at you, but I'm not actually addressing you. I'm addressing the one prat in the country who's bothered to get this recording, turn it round and actually work out the rubbish that I'm saying! What a poor, sad life he's got! Anyway, your act's crap, anyone could've done it, bollocks to the lot of you!
— The manager of the Sensational Reverse Brothers speaking backwards, forwards to Kryten, sort of, "Backwards"

That's more warning than most of us get. All most of us get is "Mind that bus!", "What bus?", "splat!".
Rimmer on Kryten's impending death

Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat: Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
Kryten: You would gamble your safety for a mere android? Is this the human value you call 'friendship'?
Lister: Don't gimme the Star Trek crap, it's too early in the mornin'.
— "The Last Day"

Holly: You know how mankind evolved from apes?
Lister: Yeah.
Holly: Well, he evolved from cats. He is descended from cats. His ancestors were cats. He is a cat.
Holly explaining cat evolution to Lister, "The End"

Kryten: Listen... can anyone hear anything?
Kryten: No? Precisely, no one can hear anything. And do you know why no one can hear anything?
Rimmer: Why?
Kryten: Because there are no sounds to hear.
— "White Hole"

It's cold outside
No kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone
More or less
Let me fly
Far away from here
Fun, fun, fun
In the sun, sun, sun
I want to lie
Shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh
Mango juice
Goldfish shoals
Nibbling at my toes
Fun, fun, fun
In the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun
In the sun, sun, sun
'The closing theme

Lift: Thank you for traveling Xpress Lifts. We apologize for the delay.
Cat: You should apologize for the chicken! First meal I ever had where the container tasted better than the food!
— "Stasis Leak"