- Lister and Rimmer begin as they mean to carry on:Lister: (hums Lunar City Seven, which hed been told off for singing earlier)
Rimmer: Lister, shut up!
Lister: I'm only hummin'!
Rimmer: Well don't!
Lister: (remains quiet for a moment, then starts drumming out the earlier tune on his cheeks)
Rimmer: Lister, don't hum and dont make stupid sounds with your cheeks.
Lister: (starts clicking his tongue to the rhythm instead)
Rimmer: Lister, one more sound - anything - and you're on report, miladdo. What job number's this?
Lister: (merely moves his lips as though speaking without making a sound)
Rimmer: Right, that's it. (fishes out his report book and writes a complaint) 'Lister, D. Third Technician. Offense: obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking and being quiet.' When the captain sees this, you're dead.
- Amidst Rimmer and Lister's bickering:Rimmer: Is that a cigarette you're smoking?
Lister: No, it's a chicken.
- In the midst of Rimmer and Lister's argument, Toddhunter shows up to talk to them. The conversation drifts to Lister calling Rimmer a smeghead.Rimmer: Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for calling a superior officer a "smeghead"?
Toddhunter: Oh, Rimmer, (places a hand on his shoulder) you are a smeghead.
- The higher ranked officers paying their respects to George Macintyre - as "See You Later, Alligator" plays in the background. A guy in the background and one of the skutters are dancing along to the tune.
- A good early grasp of just how sad and pathetic and wavering Rimmer's grasp on reality is.Rimmer: I submitted an essay on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.
Lister: Yeah, you said you were a fish.
- Lister's advice before Rimmer's exam: "Rimmer: F - I - S - H, thats how you spell fish. Then, you just keel over. Im sure itll all come floodin back to ya."
- And then Rimmer takes his exam, only to find that he's smudged the notes written on his skin. What does he do? He puts his palm on the smudged ink, then presses it onto the exam paper before getting up, performing his own invented salute, and keeling over. It gets better in the novel, which explains this as him putting ink to paper in the hope that it would spontaneously form the right answer. In the history of test-taking, that's a new one.
- And to cap it off, Lister passes Rimmer being stretchered off to the med bay after fainting. He deludes himself into thinking he did quite well.
- Lister having gone to some lengths to smuggle the cat onboard and hide it from the rest of the crew, only to be foiled after he took a photo of himself with the cat and sent it down to the photography lab to be developed. It's kind of hilarious to think that THIS one event is what set the entire plot of the series in motion. The book explains that he did this on purpose because he WANTED to get caught with the cat and nobody had caught him out yet.
- Gordon Bennet, yes Chen, everybody. Everybody's Dead, Dave.Lister: Wait. Are you tryin to tell me everybodys dead?
Holly: Wish Id never let him out in the first place...
- Holly tells Lister the pile of white powder he is tasting is former Catering Officer Olaf Petersen. Lister spits Petersen's ashes out in disgust.Lister: I've been eating half the crew!
- Lister's first reaction to finding out he's been in suspended animation for 3 million years? "I've still got that library book out!" Even better since, in the next episode, Lister reveals he has yet to read even one book. Even that one, it seems.
- Apparently the story of Frankenstein the cat has been passed down to Felis sapiens with the same status given to the story of the Virgin Mary in Christianity, with Lister effectively being revered as a god... although not a reverently as all that:Cat: Did you say "Frankenstein"?
Lister: Yeah, she was your great-great-great-great-grandmother or something.
Cat: The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth? No-one believes that stuff!
Rimmer: [disdainfully] The Virgin Birth!?
Lister: No, it was a big black tom on Titan!
Cat: Frankenstein, yeah! I remember that stuff from kitty school! [dramatically] "The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and who gaveth of his life that we might live."
Lister: [with awed realisation] No... no, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister! It's Lister- the Stupid?! [his face falls as the word registers; Rimmer, however, nods in agreement]
- Holly messing with Rimmer's hair after he insults him, for not fixing his hair.Rimmer: You are how you look, Lister, and I look - (he sees himself in the mirror) Like a complete and total TIT!
- Lister going through his morning routine, working over his armpits with what he thinks is deodorant. He then picks up another can and sprays it to his face, only to get a spray of aerosol instead of shaving cream. He stops for a second, checks that his armpits to see that they are now covered in shaving foam and applies it directly from his pits to his face.
- Holly is a little distressed by going at the speed of light.Holly: I cant do it. I cant cope. Were going at the speed of light. Me bottles gone.
Lister: Holly, is everyone alright?
Holly: No, Im not. I thought I could navigate at lightspeed, but I just cant wrap me head round it.(reacts to something) Gordon Bennett, that was a close one!
Lister: Holly, whats the problem? Youre supposed to have an IQ of six thousand, arent ya?
Holly: Look, we're traveling faster than the speed of light. That means by the time we see something we've already passed through it. Even with an I.Q. of six thousand it's still Brown Trousers Time.
- Rimmer has the same conversation with Lister twice; it only makes sense the second time, though.Lister: [as Rimmer enters the drive room] Yo, Rimmer, look, I've been thinking...
Lister: Y'know, about goin' into stasis and everything.
Rimmer: How did I do what?
Lister: [thoroughly confused] ... What d'you mean, "How did I do what?"
Rimmer: Lister, don't be a gimboid!
Lister: I'm not bein' a gimboid! [he looks even more confused as Rimmer slowly turns away from him; he peers at the empty space Rimmer is now facing]
Rimmer: I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided... [Beat] Shut up! [Lister does a full 360, trying to see who it is Rimmer is addressing] As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind, I want to be left on.
Lister: What, on- on your own for the rest of your life?
Rimmer: [half-confused, half-angry] What things!?
Rimmer: [more angry than confused] I said what?!
Lister: What's goin' on?
Rimmer: [pointing to the empty space in front of him] You're space crazy!
Lister: I'm space crazy!? You're the one who's... [waves his hand in front of Rimmer's face; Rimmer doesn't react] space crazy!
Rimmer: Well, it probably is déjà vu, it sounds like it! [shakes his head and walks out the opposite door... and immediately re-enters via the same door he entered before. Lister doesn't notice at first, as he is watching Rimmer walk down the corridor; when he turns and sees Rimmer seemingly instantly teleport back to the other side of the room, he screams]
Lister: AHHH! RIMMER! [catches his breath] I've just seen you walk out of that door! [points to the opposite door]
Lister: How did you do that??
Rimmer: How did I do what?
Lister: You just this second walked out of that door!
Rimmer: Lister, don't be a gimboid!
Lister: I swear on me grandmother's life, as you walked out of that door... [walks across to the door through which Rimmer entered; he is now standing in the formerly empty space Rimmer was addressing before. Rimmer turns to face him] you came in this one!
Rimmer: I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided-
Lister: Rimmer, I'm tellin' ya!
Rimmer: Shut up! [Lister starts to realise he's heard this conversation once already] As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind, I want to be left on.
Lister: Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things!
Rimmer: [half-confused, half-angry] What things!?
Lister: [points] You said that!
Rimmer: [more angry than confused] I said what?!
Lister: And that! You said that!
Rimmer: [pointing at Lister] You are space crazy!
Lister: And then you said, "Well, it probably is déjà vu!"
Rimmer: Well, it probably is déjà vu, it sounds like it!
Lister: Well go on, shake your head and walk out! [Rimmer does just that, leaving through the opposite door; Lister shakes his own head in amazement and runs out after Rimmer]
- Rimmer's reaction to Lister rationalizing his apparent death:Rimmer: It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. Simple as that. Your bucket's been kicked, baby.
- This one exchange:Rimmer: You can't whack Death on the head!Lister: If he comes near me I'm gonna rip his nipples off!
- At the end of the episode, Rimmer insults Holly again. Cue Rimmer with a Beatles haircut.
Balance Of Power
- FISH! Today's Fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal! (repeat 5 more times)
- "I've been fished to death!"
- When Lister is lamenting why Rimmer of all people was brought back to keep him company:Holly: He's the best person to keep you sane.
Lister: Oh, crap!
(A space-toilet pops out of the wall)
Lister: Not you!
Toilet: I do apologise, I wasn't paying attention. See you later!
- Holly allowing Peterson's arm to beat up Rimmer after he insults Holly's face.
- This exchange:Rimmer: And whats this, learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! Im afraid you're in serious, grave-deep trouble, Lister. Where'd you get them? (ticking off fingers) I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister: (likewise ticking off fingers) Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this mornin'!
Waiting For God
- The whole "Captains remarks" scene:Rimmer: Holly, give me access to the crews confidential reports.
Holly: Those are for the captains eyes only, Arnold.
Rimmer: (checking his watch) Fine, well well give him ten seconds to come back from the dead, and if he hasnt managed it, well presume Im in charge, yeah? (looks around facetiously for a few seconds, then checks his watch again) Nope, he hasnt managed it.
Holly: Whose do you want?
Rimmer: Give me... Give me Listers, just the remarks.
Holly: David Lister, Technician Third Class. Captains remarks: Has requested sick leave due to diarrhoea on no less than five hundred occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didnt want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero.
Rimmer: I always liked Captain Hollister! Such a great reader of men, was Captain Hollister. A marvelous, marvelous man and a tragic loss to us all. Alright, Holly, give me... give me mine.
Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician Second Class. Captains remarks: Theres a saying amongst the officers, If a jobs worth doing, its worth doing well. If its not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. (cue shocked reaction from Rimmer) He aches for responsibility, but constantly fails the engineering exam.
Rimmer: (cutting Holly off) Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holly, Holly, I want my report. Rimmer, two Ms, E-R.
Holly: (continuing as though uninterrupted) Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad, probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical.
Rimmer: Nononono, Holly, I want Rrrrrimmer. Thats two Rs, one at the front, one at the back.
Holly: Arnold, this is your report.
Rimmer: I always hated that pus-head Hollister! He always resented my popularity! Thats why he never put forward my proposal to reduce the minimum haircut length by an eighth of an inch. Small-minded, petty-thinking modo!
- Lister's rebuttal to Rimmer's claim by inferral that aliens built the Egyptian Pyramids:Lister: They had massive whips, Rimmer. Massive, massive whips.
- Lister stumbles across the dwelling of the last Cat priest, and threatens The Cat with a giant model sausage to make him not spill the truth to the blind priest.
- Rimmer finds out the truth about the "Quagaar coffin", as the credits roll:
- Lister's reaction to some of the tenets of the Cat Religion.Lister: I'm supposed to have given them five sacred laws! I've broken four of them myself! I'd have broken the fifth but there's no sheep on board.
- The exchange between Cat and Lister when Lister is trying to convince Cat that he's "Cloister the Stupid":Cat: Listen, you stupid monkey! Cloister's another name for... for God!Lister: That's what I'm sayin'! I. Am. Your. God!Cat: (beat) OK. (pushes his bowl of cereal across in front of Lister) Turn this into a woman.Lister: I'm serious.Cat: So am I!
Confidence and Paranoia
- "Hey monkey, you're sick! Sick, helpless and unconscious! (beat) If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes."
- "Oxygen's for losers!"
- "In space, no one can hear you cha-cha-cha."
- This exchange:Rimmer: What's more important, a man's life or your smegging lunch?
Cat: That doesn't even deserve an answer. [Begins to eat his lunch]
- This line:Confidence: Ding dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beeeeeer milkshakes!
- Just the way Lister says this line:Lister: "What do you mean you killed him, cha cha cha?!"
- NOW! STAB HIM! STAB HIM! GO ON! QUICK! STAB HIM! Ah, you havent met Stabbim. Hes one of our scutters.
- The entire scene at the end where Rimmer laments about Gazpacho Soup day. After Lister promises Rimmer that he would never bring the topic up again, Rimmer suggests that they go and have a drink. Lister's response: "Souper".
- Even better when you see the Smeg-Ups version, where they just kept the camera rolling, and all the actors cracked up giggling.
- Rimmer and his double fighting in the movie theater, culminating in one Rimmer making a shadow puppet (which is even funnier if you watch the extended version)Rimmer: [high-pitched voice] Hello! What do you think of Arnold Rimmer? [blows several raspberries]
- After his initial argument with his double, Rimmer (or one of them at least) goes to hang out with Lister and makes a valiant effort to pretend that nothing has happened:Lister: It's just that I thought I heard raised voices.
Rimmer: It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it? Having a blazing row with yourself.
Other Rimmer: [From the next room] Hit the wall! Go on! Hit the wall! Go on! Yeah! Yeah!
[A skutter begins to hit the wall]
Other Rimmer: Can you shut up, Rimmer?! Some of us are trying to sleep!
Rimmer:... Obviously we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.
Other Rimmer: Shut up you dead git!
Rimmer: ... Excuse me a second, Lister.
[Rimmer gets up from his bunk, walks to the doorway, and screams down the corridor:]
Rimmer: STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!!!
- While Lister's minding his own business, the Cat comes into the room, on roller skates, holding a bouquet and using a megaphone calling for lady cats.Lister: What are you doing?
Cat: (affluent accent) I'm courting.
Lister: Courting who?
Cat: Whoever shows up!
Lister: I keep trying to tell you, there's no women on board.
Cat: If I believed that for one second, I'd go crazy!
- The NORWEB scene, helped by Holly's deadpan throughout the entire scene, up until it turns out he's messing with Lister.Holly: They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me? Why, what for?
Holly: For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what?
Holly: Seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.
Lister: Did I?
Holly: You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?
Lister: Yeah, they go mouldy.
Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven eighths of the Earths surface. Also you left £17 50p in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the worlds wealth, and because you hoarded it for three million years, nobodys got any money except for you and NORWEB.
Lister: Why NORWEB?
Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. Ive got a final demand here for 180 billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds?! Youre kiddin!
Holly: (Groucho Marx glasses) April fool.
- Holly's opening monologue:"As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"
- The dog's milk gag, sold (as ever) by Norman Lovett's deadpan delivery.Lister: Dog's milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other other type of milk, dog's milk.
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Hol?
Holly: What, and spoil your tea?
Lister: (Dropping the cup.) Huh!
- The result of Cat's preparations for meeting some real life women.
- The crew of Red Dwarf finally meet the lovely ladies of the Nova 5 - "I think the blonde one's giving you the eye." And then Kryten comes back back from making the tea and is informed all three are dead:"My god... I was only away two minutes!"Lister: Listen, girls, I dont know whether this is the time or place to say this, but my mate Ace here is incredibly-credibly brave.
Rimmer: Smeg off, dog-food-face.
Lister: And hes got just tons and tons of girlfriends!
Rimmer: Im warning you, Lister.
- This quickfire dialogue qualifies:Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Already have done.
- Lister, having accidentally left the iron on his best pair of trousers, proceeds to cover up the resulting hole by spray painting his exposed buttock with black paint.
- The Androids theme tune, which is not unlike the one from Neighbours.
- Kryten's rebellion, while mainly a Moment of Awesome, is also hilarious, especially with Chris Barrie clearly struggling to keep a straight angry face.
- Lister reveals he has had an education, including art college. Rimmer asks him how this is possible.Rimmer: How did you get into art college?
Lister: The normal way you get into Art College. The same old, usual, boring, normal way you get in. Failed me exams and applied. They snapped me up!
- And following up to that, Lister reveals how long he was there: 97 minutes.
Better Than Life
- Holly is in a chess-by-mail game with another AI named Gordon.Holly: Pawn to king 4, eh? He's a sly one!
Lister: So who's winning, Hol?
Holly: Well he is, really. That was the first move!
- Better Than Life; the game that gives you all of your fantasies. And Rimmer breaks it.Rimmer: Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten alive by killer ants.
Rimmer: Why not?
- Or earlier during the same episode. Rimmer, in the game, finally sees his father.Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say...
Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say... you're a total smeghead!
Rimmer: What? This isn't my fantasy!
Cat: No, it's mine. (steals Rimmer's cigar and exits)
- And between the two:Lister: Rimmer, how did you fantasise having seven kids and a mortgage?
- Rimmer sits down in a restaurant next to Lister and The Cat and takes some food.Lister: Whoa Rimmer, you can touch things!
Rimmer: I know, why do you think I was so late? (makes a sexually obscene arm gesture)
- The scene in the Observation Dome cemented Rimmer's status as Jerkass Woobie, but it's also a cavalcade of graveyard humour:Rimmer: [Father] had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got them wrong — no food.
Lister: God, Rimmer, how did you cope with that?
Rimmer: I didn't, I nearly died of malnutrition.
Lister: I remember when my dad died, y'know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone, like it was Christmas. And I remember wishing I remember wishing a couple more people could die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, y'know she said that he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So I wanted to know where, like, y'know. And she said he was very happy, and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish... so I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U-bend, y'know? And I used to stuff food down, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end, when they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.
- Lister's story of when his own adopted father died, especially because of the very natural and low-key way he tells it:
Cat: (singing) My-stomach-has-been-pumped-and-now-I'm-hungry! Hey, there you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat!
- At the end, after Rimmer, has finally opened up about his father, the Cat enters yowling and destroys the moment.
Lister: Shhhhh. Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer chicken.
- At the start of the episode there's a news report about a newly discovered missing page from The Bible, a Dedication that states This Is a Work of Fiction.
- Its all junk mail, yours, you know. Youll send away for every bit of tat just so youll have some mail to open. Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that can clean even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, although my IQ isnt.
Thanks For The Memory
- This:Lister: Do you know what I fancy right now?
Rimmer: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's?
- Rimmer (about the 'sandwich'): I feel like I'm having a baby! Lister can't remember where he got the recipe, but says that he thinks it was "a book on bacteriological warfare."
- Rimmers description of alien communication and the Cats reaction:Rimmer: Maybe... Maybe... Okay. Breaking your leg hurts like hell, okay? Hell. They do it below the knee. Low. Hell-low, get it? They do it twice. Twice- two. Hell-low two. And jigsaw must mean you. Hello to you.
Cat: I wouldnt like to be around when one of these suckers is makin a speech!
- "This is impossible, it could be anywhere. It's like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi."
- When a highly sloshed Rimmer starts telling Lister embarrassing things, Lister warns him that when he sobers up in the morning, he'll realise what he's done and be in total horror. Sure enough, when Rimmer comes to... he even does the exact gesture Lister said he'd do.
- Any time when Past Rimmer sees anything from the future, leading up to two separate nervous breakdowns. One of which involves thinking Hollister, dressed up as a chicken, is a hallucination, and the other involves responding to three Listers, two Future Rimmers, the Cat and Kochanski showing up in his quarters arguing.Rimmer: THREE Listers! Splendid! Perhaps Lister here would like to go over to the fridge and open a bottle of wine for Lister and Lister! Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a glass!
Rimmer: Before anyone says anything else, I'd just like to make a little speech: GO AWAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
- Bonus points for:Future!Rimmer: No, look. I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you, in three million years you'll be dead.
Past!Rimmer: Will I really?
- The Cat gets confused by the multiple Listers.The Cat: (to both Listers, while holding a chicken leg) If he's you and you're him, and you're him and he's him, am I still me?! Who's eating this chicken?!
- Holly defending his supposed intelligence. "6000's not that much. It's only the same as twelve thousand car park attendants."
- On testing the stasis leak, they discover a problem: Anything brought back crumbles to dust.The Cat: (to Rimmer) Who were you thinking of bringing back?
Rimmer: (smug grin) Me!
The Cat: (to Lister) Let's do it!
- Lister's long rant when he thinks that the other man in the photograph is actually the groom, all about the kind of boring respectable men that women always leave him for. It was originally even longer, but a big chunk got deleted from the middle. Capped off by the Cat's response at the end.Lister: Why do women always leave me for total smegheads? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtleneck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean, natural-yoghurt eaters! "Reliable, sensible, dependable"... and a lot of other words that end in "-ible"! note And I bet he's obsessed with house prices, and spends half his life in antique fairs looking for bargains, and drinking wine! It's never beer, is it, it's always wine! "What do you want on your cornflakes, darling?" "Oh, I'll have some wine, please!" Smeg!The Cat: ...You can tell all that just from a photograph? (wanders off, peering at the photograph)
- Holly's attempt at a coda. "What I'm saying, Dave, is it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John."
- Holly calling on the crew, forgetting what he was going to tell them, then telling them after the event has occurred, "Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship."
- Queeg on Holly's intelligence.Queeg: It has a six in it, but its not 6000.
Lister: Well what is it then?
Holly: Six?! Do me a lemon, that's a bad IQ for a glass of water, that is!
- Holly uses Tottenham Hotspurs in his Unusual Euphemism lines when Queeg continually puts him down.
- Lister's Queeg enforced rations: A piece of bread and a single, solitary pea. Which Lister manages to lose.Lister: I've lost me pea!
Lister: Oh I'll just 'ave the toast...
- He then launches into a tirade about how it's his pea, and he doesn't care where it's gone. Right up until Rimmer points out it's gone into his sock basket.
- Queeg testing Rimmer:Queeg: Compute.
Queeg: The product of the correlation of vx/dy minus the sum of the set v1 over the sum of R, given that R is a ratio of D over f, given that they are constants, and S is an integer variable.Rimmer: Just one small question...
Rimmer: What does "compute" mean?
- Holly revealing that he was Queeg all along.
- "We are talking jape of the decade." Witness how long Norman Lovett rides the laugh on that line.
- "And the moral of the story is, "Appreciate what you've got", because basically I'm fantastic."
- "Tongue Tied". The entire smegging song! From the nonsensical lyrics (which take "You make me tongue-tied" a bit too literallynote ), to Rimmer and Lister as backup singers, to the staging and choreography straight out of a 1980s episode of Top of the Pops (with a few of Rimmer's signature salutes thrown in), to the occasional inserts of Holly grooving along by wiggling his ears or donning a Beatles wig and hand jiving, it's two minutes of pure hilarity.note For extra laughs, watch the uncut version. Chris Barrie doing one final Rimmer salute at the end of the video was unscripted; Craig Charles' laughter is genuine.Cat: I saw you 'cross the dance floor
Rimmer, Lister: Dancing
Cat: I thought of birds and bees
Rimmer, Lister: [doing pelvic thrusts] Reproductive system, baby
Cat: But when I tried to speak to you
Rimmer, Lister: [making "mouth" motions with their left hands] Talk, talk
Cat: My tongue unravelled to my knees
Rimmer, Lister: [twirling their hands while bending forward] Flippity-flippity-flop
Cat: I tried to say "I love you"
Rimmer, Lister: [moving their hands from their hearts outward in an arc] Love you
Cat: But it came out kind of wrong, girl
Rimmer, Lister: [waving their hands in a negative gesture] Wrong, girl
Cat: It sounded like "Nu-nubidy-doo"
Rimmer, Lister: [heading stage left] Tongue tied
That's 'cause you make me tongue-tied
Rimmer, Lister: Tongue-tied
Whenever you are near me
Rimmer, Lister: Near menote
[Cat: I'm nurmy-murmy
Rimmer, Lister: Nurmy-murmy
Rimmer, Lister: Nurmy-murmy
Cat: Whenever you're in town
Rimmer, Lister: [heading across to stage right] In town
All: My trousers they go brown, girl
Cat: Yes, you make me nangy-nongy
Rimmer, Lister: Nongy-nangy
Why can't I tell you clearly
Rimmer, Lister: Clearly]
Rimmer, Lister: Tongue-tied, tongue-tied
Cat: Whenever you're around... [Rimmer and Lister re-join him centre stage; Rimmer does a quick half Rimmer salute]
- The episode's A plot is kick-started by a new development from Holly that is down to his usual standards:
- Holly proudly announces that he has invented the Holly Hop Drive, which can teleport Red Dwarf to any other point in the universe instantly - back to Earth, for example. Lister is delighted by the idea, but Rimmer's reaction is more telling for what lies in store:Holly: Eureka! I've done it!
Lister: Done what?
Holly: The Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich.note Samuel Morse invented the Morse code. Plato invented the plate. And now I, Holly, have invented the Holly Hop Drive.
Rimmer: [sarcastically] Ooh, I can't wait to see it!
Holly: It's monumental, this. It's epoch-making. The Holly Hop Drive can transfer any object instantly to any other point in space.
Lister: [very interested] What, you mean we can go back to Earth?
Holly: In a matter of seconds.
Lister: What, you mean we can go back to Earth, like, right now? This instant??
Holly: [proudly] Right on.
Lister: [ecstatic] Rock and roll!
[cut to exterior shot of the ship, then the drive room; Lister, Cat, and Rimmer gape in disbelief at the Holly Hop Drive, a box about the size of a football]
Lister: Wh is this it!?
Holly: What do you think? [smiles hopefully]
Lister: It's just... [picks it up] It's just a box with "Stop" and "Start" on it!
Holly: It's fairly straightforward. If you wanna start it, press "Start". And you can work out the rest of the controls for yourself.
Rimmer: It's absolutely pathetic. [Lister nods in agreement]
Holly: Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated.
Rimmer: Get on with it!
Holly: [defensively] Takes time, this! One slight error in any one of my thirteen billion calculations, we'll all be blasted to smithereens! Here we go, then: 10... 9... 8... 6... 5...
Rimmer: You missed out the 7!
Holly: [furrows brow] Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with 7s...
Rimmer: [sing-songy] We're going to di-ie...
Holly: No problem, I'll start lower down. One, blast off! [Lister mashes the "Start" button]
- And, inevitably, the Holly Hop Drive fails to jump Red Dwarf back to Earth:Holly: We've done it. We're home.
Rimmer: It worked?
Lister: We're at Earth?? You must be jokin'!
Holly: Half a mo. [disappears from the screen, then re-appears] It's gone!
Cat: What has?
Holly: The Earth! It's missing, it's not there! [thinks] Wait a minute... sorry, I was lookin' out the wrong window. [disappears, then re-appears] No! No! It has gone! The entire Solar System is missing!
Rimmer: Well... what is actually out there?
Holly: Nothing! Just space!
Rimmer: [stands up and walks over to Holly's screen] Holly, the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth. The further thought occurs that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch. [folds his arms in disapproval]
Holly: [shakes head] No. No, we have. It's just I... don't know where we are. I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed up.
Holly: Well, it's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger.
- Holly proudly announces that he has invented the Holly Hop Drive, which can teleport Red Dwarf to any other point in the universe instantly - back to Earth, for example. Lister is delighted by the idea, but Rimmer's reaction is more telling for what lies in store:
- But then they see another ship ("ALIENS!" Rimmer exclaims, as usual) - more precisely, an identical copy of Red Dwarf:Lister: So what's happened?
Holly: Well, somehow, don't ask me how, we've jumped into a parallel universe, we've entered the fifth dimension.
Rimmer: What's the fifth dimension?
Lister: Didn't they get to Number 6 with "Baby I Want Your Love Thing"?
Holly: You've got your basic dimensions, right: length, breadth, depth, and time. The fifth dimension is co-existing realities: two bodies who share the same space but are unaware of each other's existence.
Rimmer: [bitterly] Sounds like my parents in bed.
- A link-up with the other Red Dwarf's computer reveals the premise of this parallel universe: everyone is Gender Flipped.Hilly:note Hello, I'm Hilly.
Holly: [smitten] Hello, I'm Holly.
Hilly: [likewise] Hello, Holly.
Holly: Hello, Hilly.
Hilly: Well, this is a turn-up, innit? You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out.
Holly: Right on, sis.
Hilly: See ya, Hol.
Holly: See ya, Hil. [Hilly's face disappears from the screen; Holly grins] I'm in there.
- Cat's face after he first meets his parallel universe counterpart; unlike the other three, his counterpart is not only not female, but evolved from a dog.Cat: [to the fourth wall after he finally emerges from his Heroic BSoD] I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me.
Dog: [delighted] Well, trash my shorts, what a funny-lookin' dog!
Cat: [still talking to the fourth wall] Better make myself look big. [gets into the same threatening pose he pulled on Rimmer and Lister in "The End"]
Dog: [unlike Rimmer and Lister in "The End", not frightened in the slightest; puts out his hand] Put it there, buddy! Put it right there!
Cat: [grimaces and groans in disgust, wafting his hand over his nose] What kind of toothpaste does he use, rotting meat flavour!?
Dog: Come on, now! I wanna be your buddy. [laughs jovially] I'll tell you what: I'm gonna smell your behind. Then you can smell mine! Now, is that a deal?
Cat: You wanna smell my what!?
Dog: Why, sure! Don't you wanna smell me?
Cat: Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars!
- It turns out Holly was right to say "I'm in there," as the next few times we see him, his face is covered in increasing numbers of lip prints. There's a distinct possibility he and Hilly have padded their estimate for how long it will take to get the Hop Drive working again...
- Cat's face - again - after the Dog shows off his dancing skills - or complete lack thereof.
- An evening spent with Arlene Rimmer shows Arnold Rimmer just how creepy his usual seduction techniques are (although, having no self-awareness, he doesn't take this as a sign that his own attitudes toward women are crass and sexist), and he deals with them the same way the women on whom he tried them while he was alive in his own universe dealt with them: by doing a runner.Rimmer: Lister... [clears throat] I'm going to bed now, by myself, on my own, alone. If she comes back, tell her I've... tell her I've got a headache or something.
Lister: Why, where's she gone?
Rimmer: She's gone to get some sexy videos. She seems to think that seeing two men together might turn me on. [looks nervously over his shoulder]
Lister: Where are you sleeping?
Rimmer: I'm not telling you, it's too risky.
Lister: Come on! What are you, a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: [singing falsetto] "I'm off to see the wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!"
- Arnold and Arlene's reaction after they find out that Deb and Dave have slept with each other:Arnold: You pieces of filth! How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge?
Arlene: In my bunk? On my sheets? Using my springs? How could you even contemplate making... love... to yourself?
Arnold: Well, why break the habit of a lifetime?
- Lister discovers that in Deb's universe, it's men who get pregnant.
- Rimmer's reaction to the news is priceless:Rimmer: Ooohhhh, Listy! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! If I understand this correctly, it seems that, in their universe, its the men who give birth to the babies. And as we are in their universe, you could very well possibly be up the duff, laddie!
- Once back in his own universe, he takes a pregnancy test. He and Rimmer have different ideas of what constitutes a good result:Rimmer: What colour is it supposed to turn?
Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's going to turn.
Rimmer: And red for pregnant?
Rimmer: Come on, you reds!!!
- A combination of Call-Back and Ironic Echo from "Future Echoes":Holly: Oi! I've just had a thought. Remember when we broke the light barrier and saw those echoes from the future?
Holly: And we saw your future self with twin boys!
Rimmer: [snaps his fingers] Right! And I said, "How is it possible to get two babies without a woman on board?" And you said, "I don't know, but it's going to be a lot of fun finding out!" How right you were, Listie! [grins ear to ear]
- And as the test almost finishes:Rimmer: It's changing colour! [he and Cat bend over to look]
Lister: What colour?
Rimmer: Yes, it is, it's changing colour!
Lister: Yeah, but WHAT colour?
Rimmer: [as Cat bounces up and down and pumps his fists in triumph] Yes, it's changing colour!
Lister: WHAT COLOUR!?
Rimmer: It's blue for not pregnant, right?
Rimmer: Oh, good news! Excellent news, Listie!
Lister: Oh, thank god!
Rimmer: [standing up and grinning] I'm going to be an uncle! [Cat nods at Lister]
[Cue Oh, Crap! look on Lister's face.]
- Rimmer's reaction to the news is priceless:
- Since this series marks the first appearances of Hattie Hayridge as Holly and Robert Llewellyn as Kryten, as well as beginning after the cliffhanger of Lister getting impregnated by his female counterpart in "Parallel Universe", we open with a narrative scroll that parodies Star Wars and, at the very end, Star Trek. For additional humour, the middle of the introduction scrolls past far too quickly to read without slowing down the video.
RED DWARF III: THE SAGA CONTINUUMS
THE STORY SO FAR...
Three million years in the future, Dave Lister, the last human being alive discovers he is pregnant after a liaison with his female self in a parallel universe. His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Bexley. However, because the twins were conceived in a different universe, with different physical laws, they suffer highly accelerated growth rates, and are both eighteen years old within three days of being born. In order to save them, Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with their father (a woman), and are able to lead comparatively normal lives. Well, as normal as you can be if you've been born in a parallel universe and your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen years three days after your birth. Shortly afterwards, Kryten, the service mechanoid who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed vessel, the Nova 5, is found in pieces after his space bike crash lands onto an asteroid. Lister rebuilds the 'noid, but is unable to recapture his former personality. Meanwhile, Holly, the increasingly erratic Red Dwarf computer, performs a head sex change operation on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, a female computer with whom he'd once fallen madly in love.
And now the saga continuums.
AND NOW THE SAGA CONTINUUMS...
RED DWARF III
THE SAME GENERATION
- As the episode opens, we learn that Lister and the Cat are starting to feel starved for female companionship, resulting in an improbable target of their Perverse Sexual Lust:[Lister and Cat are in their bunk, watching television]
Lister: Y'ever see The Flintstones?
Lister: ... d'you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat: I think, in all probability... Wilma Flintstone is the most desireable woman who ever lived.
Lister: [sighs in relief] That's good. I thought I was goin' strange.
Cat: She's incredible!
Lister: What'cha think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... [sighs] But I'd be thinkin' of Wilma...
Lister: ... this is crazy! Why are we talkin' about goin' to bed with Wilma Flintstone!?
Cat: You're right! We're nuts! This is an insane conversation!
Lister: ... she'll never leave Fred and we know it. [Cat shakes his head sadly]
- Rimmer has been giving Kryten driving lessons in Starbug so that the two of them don't have to depend on Lister and the Cat to leave the ship.
- The test gets off to an inauspicious start:[Kryten is miming pulling levers and pushing buttons as Rimmer walks up to him]
Rimmer: [holds up one hand] Holly? Clipboard and pen, please! [the items appear in his hand] Well, Krytie, today's the day!
Kryten: But sir, I'm just not ready! Six weeks - it's just not long enough!
Rimmer: [checks his watch] 10:30. Name?
Kryten: ... you know my name!
Rimmer: Look, if this comes off, it'll be a whole new lease of life for both of us. We'll be independent! But we've got to do it by the book.
Kryten: It's just that when you go into Official Mode, my Anxiety Chip goes into overdrive.
Kryten: [like a stuck CD, with video to match] K-K-K-K- [continues stuttering for several seconds]
Rimmer: [disdainfully] I'll just put "Kryten". [Kryten stops stuttering as Rimmer writes on his pad] Now, can you see that space vehicle? [points at Starbug 1]
Kryten: Where? [looks over his shoulder] Oh, that one. Yes, sir!
Rimmer: And can you read the registration for me, please.
Kryten: "Starbug 1"?
Rimmer: Right, if you'd like to show me to your vehicle, please.
- Things go even less smoothly once they're inside Starbug:Rimmer: Right, in your own time, if you'd like to start the space vehicle, proceed through the cargo bay doors, and off into outer space. [Kryten fiddles with the controls and accidentally switches on the windscreen wipers; he makes "No, no, stop it!" gestures and finally switches them off] Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet. Once there, I want you to bring the vehicle to a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit, remembering of course at all times to pay due care and attention to any other space users. Right, in your own time! [Kryten flips a few more switches and pulls a lever - which causes the roof of the cockpit over Rimmer to open; Kryten and Rimmer both look at the opening with expressions that scream Oh, Crap!, and Rimmer is summarily ejected from the cockpit]
[later, Rimmer re-enters the cockpit, clearly quietly angry at Kryten, but trying to remain professional; Kryten looks horribly embarrassed as Rimmer takes his seat again]
Rimmer: ... in your own time!
Kryten: I've failed, haven't I.
Rimmer: Just proceed.
Kryten: You're going to hold it against me, aren't you! That one mistake!
Kryten: [we see an exterior view of Starbug as it slowly lifts off the cargo bay floor] Anti-grav... check. Retro... check. Boosters... check. [back inside the cockpit] And very gently... ease forward. [he pulls on a lever - and he and Rimmer are blown back in their seats as Starbug shoots forward, clipping the cargo bay doors on the way out] I... think there's something wrong with the gearbox. The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2 - I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1!
Rimmer: [confused] They're exactly the same.
Kryten: Yes... that's the problem. [in an exterior shot, Starbug makes a turn with a squealing tyre sound effect]
Rimmer: Next, I'd like you to transfer to autopilot while we conduct the recognition- [Kryten pulls a lever, and there is a horrible noise of grinding gears] ... tests.
Kryten: [to Holly] Uh, engage autopilot!
Holly: Autopilot engaged. [testily] Well, I say autopilot, it's not really autopilot, is it, it's me, it's Muggins here who has to do it!
- The recognition tests are soon derailed by the following epic exchange:Rimmer: (points to book of space road signs) What's that one?
Holly: (looking through windscreen) A time hole!
Rimmer: Don't help him!
Kryten: (also now looking through windscreen) It's a time hole!
Rimmer: No it isn't, it's nothing like a time hole!
(the camera angle changes to show a swirling orange mass into which Starbug is now heading)
Holly: It's a time hole.
Kryten: It is! It's a time hole!
Rimmer: (impatiently) A time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports us into another part of space and time. (points to book) Whereas that is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova! (points through windscreen) THAT is a time hole. (points to book again) Right, what's this? (Rimmer's eyes widen and he slowly turns back to look at the time hole)
(Starbug enters the time hole and emerges in the backwards Earth; we see a bird flying backwards, a rabbit moving backwards, and steam falling onto the surface of the lake into which Starbug has crashed; cut to inside, where fish are swimming backwards past the window as Rimmer taps his clipboard against his hand and shakes his head)
Kryten: I suppose you're going to fail me for this?
- The test gets off to an inauspicious start:
- Rimmer's attempt to establish where and when the time hole has deposited them leads to a brilliant moment of Comically Missing the Point from Holly:note Rimmer: Holly? Is it possible? Could this be Earth?
Holly: [on the round screen in Kryten's torso] Certainly seems that way. Constellations match, gravity exactly 1 g...
Rimmer: What's the time period?
Holly: Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all the available data, I would estimate it's round about... lunchtime, maybe half one!
Rimmer: [rolls eyes] What period in history, dingleberry breath!? I mean, can we expect to see Genghis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill? Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure? What is the year?
Holly: Well, I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer.
Holly: Well, this year's calendar'd be handy!
- Rimmer and Kryten try to orient themselves on the backwards Earth in a cafe:[as Rimmer tries to tug his hair down to hide the "H" on his forehead, a waitress brings a half-eaten eclair on a plate and an empty glass teacup to a customer at another table; they have a brief backwards exchange, during which the customer looks at Rimmer, who forces a polite smile and waves, then turns away and grimaces. The studio audience half laughs, half groans in anticipation as the customer proceeds to un-drink the tea, un-eat the eclair, and remove a spoonful of sugar from the tea]note
Customer: [backwards] The service here is terrible.
Rimmer: [with another forced smile] Flobbadob blib blob bleeb!
[Kryten enters carrying a newspaper and wearing a hooded cloak and rubber Ronald Reagan mask]
Rimmer: [horrified] What are you doing!?
Kryten: [his voice muffled by the mask] Well, you said look inconspicuous!
Rimmer: Don't be idiotic!
Kryten: [removing the mask] But if people see my face, what are they going to think?
Rimmer: Tell them you had an accident! Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out!
[the waitress walks backwards to the table, empties a box of rubbish onto it, and hammers it with a cloth in a rough simulation of what it would look like if she cleaned the table in reverse; she delivers a backwards line and departs]note
Kryten: I got a newspaper!
Rimmer: What's the year? [reads] 3991?!
Kryten: No! It's 1993, it's backwards! I'll switch to reverse mode. [blip] [reads] "Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a south London bank tomorrow. The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept £10,000, which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults. The man, Michael Ellis, completed a 15-year prison sentence for the crime two years ago." [the waitress appears with a plate of chicken and chips and drops it on the table, then leaves again]
Rimmer: [points] What does that say?
Kryten: Oh, it's an advert. "Roll-off deodorant. Keeps you... keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours!" What are we going to do, this place is totally crazy!
Rimmer: There's nothing we can do 'til the others find us. We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?
Kryten: Here's the Jobs page. This looks interesting: "Wanted: Managing Director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects, right candidate could go straight to the bottom!"
Rimmer: Something a bit more low-key.
Kryten: Er... "Busy London restaurant requires dish dirtier"?
Rimmer: Anything else?
Kryten: Ah, this looks interesting: "Theatrical agent requires novelty acts."
Rimmer: What do we do that's a novelty?
Kryten: Well, in this world, everything!
- The conversation about life in a world where time flows backwards:Kryten: Take war. War is a wonderful thing here! In fifty years time, the second world war will start — backwards!Cat: And that's a good thing?Kryten: Millions of people will come to life. Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich, and bog off back to Austria!Rimmer: We're smash hits here! We'd be crazy to leave.Lister: Rimmer, we don't belong here! This place is crazy!Rimmer: Crazy? Death, disease, famine — there's none of that here.Kryten: There's no crime! The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us and forced 50 pounds into my wallet at knifepoint!Lister: Okay, okay! But look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say... St. Francis of Assisi. In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus — what a bastard!Rimmer: Eh?Lister: He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid's favorite toys!
- As revealed in the Smeg Ups special (and in a DVD extra), the Manager's rant is merely the actor (Arthur Smith) ranting about how sad anyone would be to play this in reverse to make sense of what he's saying.Manager: [comes in and points at Kryten] You are a stupid, square-headed, bald git, arent you? [points at Rimmer instead] I aint pointin at you, Im pointin at you. But Im not actually addressing you. Im addressing the one prat in the country whos bothered to get hold of this recording, turn it round and actually work out the rubbish that Im sayin. What a poor, sad life hes got! [...] Frankly, your acts crap, and anyway, anybody couldve done it! I hate the lot of you! Bollocks to you!
- As Kryten and Rimmer try to argue their way back into their jobs, Lister and the Cat take turns regurgitating bites of a slice of quiche. The Cat then removes three slices of cucumber from his mouth, and Lister spits two cherry tomatoes high into the air and catches them in his hand. Then it turns out it wasn't their food...Pub patron: [backwards] You bloody bastards! [...] You've unscoffed my sodding pie!
- Three words: Backwards bar fight. "Unrumble!" Cue a glass of lager being sucked off the pie man's face, Lister being dragged backwards along the bar as glasses and bottles re-assemble in front of him, pieces of a chair flying into Cat's hands as he stands over the backs of two other patrons, bottles re-assembling as a man jumps from behind the bar (and the barmaid re-appears from under the bar, looking nonchalant), a window re-assembling as Lister backflips through it into the hands of two men on the inside, and Lister replacing a man's missing tooth with his fist. Special mention for the amusing exchange just before the window reassembles:Rimmer: Where are you going, you coward? (hiding beneath the table since the beginning of the fight)
Lister: I just worked out what happens to me back.
- The Cat's bathroom break at the end of the episode. Chris Barrie and Craig Charles are genuinely fighting back laughter in the final shot:[as Kryten enters the still-cloaked Starbug 2, Rimmer and Lister look across backwards 20th-century England one last time]
Rimmer: [sighing] You know, it could have worked... it really could. Where's the Cat?
Lister: He won't be long, he's... y'know, in the bushes.
[Rimmer nods. It takes a few seconds before he and Lister realise the implications of Cat's situation; they look at each other in horror]
Lister: We've GOT to stop him!
[too late; Cat stands up from behind a bush, his hair sticking straight up and a grimace combining pain and an intense desire for Brain Bleach on his face as he staggers toward the stairs to Starbug, his arms, legs, and torso moving completely rigidly. He passes Lister and Rimmer]
Cat: [not making eye contact] DON'T ASK. [Lister and Rimmer try not to laugh]
- The episode opens to sirens blaring and Holly making a broadcast.Holly: Abandon ship, this is not a drill. This is a drill.
(cue the sound of a jackhammer)
Holly: Abandon ship. (siren cuts out) Oh, God, now the sirens bust! Awooga! Awooga! Abandon ship!
- Shortly thereafter:
- Holly's explanation for how she managed to miss five black holes all at once. "The thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour..."
- Lister and Rimmer talking about how they lost their virginity:Lister: She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.
Rimmer: Skateboard? How old were you?
Rimmer: TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
Rimmer: Twelve? ... You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.
- Rimmer then admonishes Lister further.Rimmer: I hope you raked the sand back nicely when you were finished. That'd be a hell of a lie to get into, wouldn't it. Competition the next day and your ball lands in Lister's buttock crevice... Youd need more than a niblick to get that one out.
Lister: You sayin' I've got a big bum?
Rimmer: 'Big'? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens!
- The same conversation continues with Rimmer describing how the only thing he lost when he was twelve were his favourite shoes:Rimmer: Porky Roebuck threw them in the school septic tank behind the rugby pitches. I cried for weeks. I was wearing them.
- Rimmer then admonishes Lister further.
- Rimmer's claim that in a past life he used to be Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.note
- Lister and Rimmer debating whether or not to burn the last copy of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.Lister: Rimmer, have you ever actually read any of these?Lister: But have you ever actually read any of them?Rimmer: ...Not all the way through, no... But I can quote some, though!Lister: Well, go on, then!(Rimmer hunches over and adopts a strangled-sounding Shakespearean voice)Rimmer: "Now..." (stands up) That's all I can remember.Lister: What's that from?Rimmer: (rolls eyes) Richard III, you moron. That brilliant "Now" speech at the beginning. "Now... something something something something something, something something." Oh, brilliant! Unforgettable!
- Also Holly's lines at the end of the episode: "Well, the thing about grit..."
- Rimmer's reaction when he discovers that Lister lied about burning his guitar and instead burned a guitar-shaped piece of his Javanese camphor wood trunk:
- Lister about to eat dinner with various medical devices in place of regular eating utensils. Including a cow inseminator.Cat: Hey, you think I got nothin better to do than to hang around watchin you serve Chicken Chaucer in the stool bucket?!
- The scene where the polymorph turns into Lister's underpants... and then Lister puts them on. Kryten then has to pull off the contracting underpants while still wearing his groinally-attached vacuum hose. The underpants are really tiny when the thing is done. To top the cherry, Rimmer walks in half-way through and silently watches Kryten and Lister's struggles - which, to the unaware observer, might look like something a bit kinky - with a look of pure disgust on his face. Then, when they're finished, he merely says "Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked." (The audience apparently found this so funny that they kept on laughing for 10 minutes, forcing Chris Barrie (Rimmer) to wait until they had calmed down to deliver his line.)
- The Bazookoid heat-seeker chase.Rimmer: I don't understand it! Holograms don't produce heat, and neither do androids. What are they homing in on? [he and Kryten slowly turn to look at the Cat, who gives them an Oh, Crap! look]
Cat: So long, guys! [legs it]
- ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!!!
- The crew trying to organize, post-polymorph attack, a final assault, each with a different negative emotion sucked out - fear for Lister, making him homicidally insane and bereft of self-preservation; vanity for the Cat, reducing him to a drunken, self-pitying slob; guilt for Kryten, leaving him with no compunctions about throwing the others under the bus to save his own skin; and anger for Rimmer, turning him into a hippy who is convinced diplomacy and charity events are the way forward. One acronym: C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.Kryten: Maybe if I hand you guys over, it'll let me go. MOVE IT, SUCKERS!
- "It's insane!"
- As the episode opens, Rimmer is directing Kryten in a full scan of the electrical system on the maintenance decks. Lister is more concerned with the interruption to the evening's social agenda:Rimmer: Turn. [looks intently at the screen as Kryten taps at a keyboard] There's another - Circuit Board Epsilon 14598, Red Corridor 357.
Kryten: [tapping some more keys] Uh, re-routed.
Rimmer: Turn. [with a beep, the image on the screen shifts to more circuitry] And another - Circuit Board Theta 2-9-double 5-5, Blue Corridor 212.
Lister: [entering while shuffling a pack of cards] What's happenin', guys? It's half ten. Thought we were supposed to be playin' poker.
Rimmer: [not looking up from the screen] Where have you been, didn't you get the message?
Lister: What message?
Rimmer: One of the Skutters has gone bananas, it's completely re-wired the maintenance decks back-to-front and upside-down. We've got over two thousand wiring faults, don't breathe, don't touch anything. [looks at Lister gravely] The whole ship's a gigantic booby trap.
Lister: No poker then?
Rimmer: [gives Lister another serious look] We can't find the auto-destruct system. It's wired up to something, but we don't know what. Tell the Cat.
Lister: [looks at the pack in his hand in frustration] It's taken me ages to mark these cards!
- So Lister relays the news to the Cat - and completely forgets to back his instructions up with actions:Cat: So we can't touch anything?
Lister: Nothing electrical, not until we get the all clear.
Cat: Well how long's that gonna take?
Lister: God knows. [clicks on the (very much electrical) snack machine] A milkshake and a crispy bar. [turns to the Cat] We were supposed to be playin' poker tonight. That's gone for a burton.
Snack Machine: Auto destruct sequence initiated. [flashes the texts "ABANDON SHIP" and "AUTO DESTRUCT" as klaxons begin sounding] The ship will detonate in 15 minutes. [Lister gives the screen an Oh, Crap! look] 14 minutes 55 seconds and counting.
Cat: That was a very dumb thing you just did then.
Lister: I wasn't thinking.
Snack Machine: Red Dwarf will self-destruct in 14 minutes and 50 seconds.
Lister: [pressing buttons as the Cat leaves to tell Kryten and Rimmer] Cancel. Clear.
Snack Machine: Abandon ship. You have 13 minutes and 45 seconds to detonation.
Lister: [pressing more buttons] Cancel!
Snack Machine: You have 12 minutes and 45 seconds.
Lister: [thumps the machine] Cancel!
Snack Machine: You have 10 minutes-
Lister: [thumps the machine again] Cancel!
Snack Machine: You have 9 minutes and 45 seconds.
- Holly's three realistic options when the ship is about to self destruct: 1. Sit here and get blown up; 2. Stand here and get blown up; 3. Jump up and down, shout at her for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up.
- "Keep that safe, it's Lister's mind." Bloop. Rimmer's grimace really sells it, as does Cat's sheepish expression as he fishes Lister's mind tape out of his tea.
- The mind the crew have found to swap into Lister's head is that of Executive Officer Brown, whom Holly says should have the necessary clearance to abort the self-destruct sequence. We only learn after Lister wakes up and begins speaking as Brown that her full name is Carol Brown. She heightens the panic of Rimmer, Kryten, and the Cat by initially being more concerned about suddenly having male reproductive organs than about the ship's imminent self-destruction.Rimmer: If you dont override the auto-destruct system within the next 20 seconds, those male sexual organs will be in orbit around the nearest planet. Along with every one elses organs, sexual or otherwise.
- Unfortunately, Lister-as-Brown's order to abort the self-destruct sequence is rejected, and everybody waits in anger and horror for the last seconds before the explosion.The ship: Detonation in five seconds.
The ship: Four...
Cat: Well done, fink face.
The ship: Three...
Rimmer: What a brilliant, brilliant plan.
The ship: Two...
Cat: Just great.
The ship: One. Initiate self-destruct. (the crew brace themselves for the explosion... and the nearest snack machine rolls out a milkshake and a crispy bar) Thank you for using auto-serve dispensing machines. Number one in quality, number one in taste.
- When the bomb turns out to be a dud:Cat: [lowering his arms from his face] What happened?
Kryten: It must have been wired up to the warning system, but not the bomb.
Rimmer: So where's the bomb?
Holly: We haven't got a bomb.
Holly: I got rid of it ages ago.
Cat: Why didn't you say?!
Holly: You never asked!
Cat: Fine! Terrific! But remember this: you're gettin' my underwear bill, buddy!
- Jozxyqk. According to Cat, it's the cat word for when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.Lister: Is it in the dictionary?
Cat: Well, it could be. If you were reading in the nude and you closed the book too quickly. [mimes doing so] Jozxyqk!
- The scene where Rimmer, in Lister's body, weighs in, revealing that he's put on weight and is trying to hide it by wearing a girdle.
- Rimmer steals Dave's body and escapes in Starbug, but crashes, leading to this memorable exchange:[Rimmer steps out into the doorway, his jacket is torn below the shoulder.]
Lister Me arm! You've lost me arm!
Rimmer I've lost your watch too.
Lister You bastard!
Rimmer No you're right. It's my fault. My hands are up... well my hand is up.
Lister You think this is funny?
Rimmer No. But this is.
[reveals that the 'missing' arm was behind his back and makes obscene gestures with both hands; Cat and Kryten look at each other and laugh]
- "Written by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. Tonight's Guest Star: Adolf Hitler as himself" True to their word, Hitler does appear, delivering his Nuremburg speech, which Lister interrupts.Lister: Ignore him! He's a complete and total nutter! And he's only got one testicle!
- "I nicked his briefcase!"
- One of the items Lister pulls out is a pair of suspenders, similar to the ones the Cat finds in "The Last Day".
- Each of the crew have an individual Oh, Crap! moment when they realise Lister's holding a bomb meant for Hitler. Lister responds by kicking it back into the picture before it explodes. Holly ducks with him.
- Rimmer's failed attempt to make himself rich and famous somehow ends with him not being a hologram anymore. Cue him going on about how he can feel and touch things - and then he puts his fists through two huge boxes of explosives.Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit!
- Rimmer justifying changing the timeline back. "It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!"
The Last Day
- Lister watching female topless boxing. Kryten observes that "they're not even hitting each other! They just seem to be standing in the centre of the ring jiggling up and down." Followed by Lister grinning and nodding.Kryten: So, which one are you rooting for?Lister: I'm just praying it goes the distance.
- Lister declines the elaborate breakfast Kryten made for him, prompting it to go in the bin. As soon as Kryten leaves, Lister gets it back out using his hat as a plate. When Kryten returns again, Lister jams his hat - breakfast and all - back on his head.Kryten: Bon appetit, bin.
- Kryten responds to the news solemnly:Kryten: The only really terrible thing is that, as my adopted owner, you will have to die with me.Lister: What?!Kryten: Joke. Deadpan mode.
- Kryten explains to Lister what will happen when it's time for him to shut down.Kryten: At 0700 hours tomorrow morning, my shutdown disk will be activated, and all mental and physical operations will cease.Lister: Then what?Kryten: I don't know. Maybe I'll get a job as a disk jockey.
- "Human heaven? Goodness me! Humans don't go to Heaven! No no, someone, someone just made that up to prevent you from all going nuts!" Worth noting, "Better Than Life" says the Bible is fictional, so Kryten's got a point.
- "Well at least he gets 24 hours notice. That's more than most of us get. All most of us get is 'Mind that bus.' 'What bus?' SPLAT!" Remember - Rimmer is speaking from experience.
Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
- Rimmer then offers to give some advice to Kryten, to which Lister objects to with good reason.
Lister: I know, for one morning.
Rimmer: Well, I couldn't stand it much longer.
Lister: I dont blame ya. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He just phoned up for the cricket scores!
Rimmner: It's hardly my fault everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday", they called it.
- Kryten takes a drink of the Gargle Blaster Holly brewed for the party the rest of the crew are throwing in honour of his last day - and does a massive Wild Take, then calms down immediately.Kryten: It's rather pleasant. Has a nice kick to it, sort of a cross between Vimto and liquid nitrogen.
Holly: 'Ere! Have you been looking in my recipe book!?
- Once everyone is on the wrong side of many drinks, Lister reminisces:Lister: I remember the first time I got drunk. School trip to Paris. Drank a couple bottles of cheap red plonk and went on a guided tour of the Eiffel Tower. I was okay til I got to the top, but then I couldn't keep it in anymore. Apparently it landed on Montmartre. That's five miles away! Story I got told is, some pavement artist sold it to a Texan tourist, told 'im it was a genuine Jackson Pollock.
- Rimmer's reminiscence is... typical for him. His first French kiss was in the middle of the night with his uncle Frank, who thought he'd gone into Rimmer's mum's bedroom. This leads Kryten and Holly to become melancholy about having never had mothers.Rimmer: Well, you can all have mine! Everyone else did!
- Hudzen 10's advertisement, which culminates in him breaking a brick in half with his groinal socket.
- The crew slowly come to after their night of heavy drinking:Kryten: Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly??
Rimmer: [not lifting his head from where he is slumped over the table] Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.
Lister: We're on a mining ship. Three million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me [throws back his duvet] where the smeg I got this traffic cone? [produces said item]
Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone. It's the policewoman's helmet [puts said item on his head] and the suspenders [holds up same] I don't understand!
- This moment after the Dwarfers resolve to get rid of Hudzen 10:Kryten: But you would not profit by it. You would gamble your safety for a mere android? Is this the human value you call... friendship?Lister: Dont give me this Star Trek crap, its too early in the mornin.
- The crew try to get rid of Hudzen 10, pointing out he can't harm a human... only they've forgot that Cat and Kryten aren't human, Rimmer's a hologram, and as for Lister...Hudzen's readout: Barely human. What the hell.Hudzen 10: You are all viable targets.Rimmer: (looks down) Well, it's been a long time since that happened.
- At the end of the episode, Kryten causes Hudzen to shut down with a Logic Bomb about there being no silicon heaven. So how did Kryten's brain not shut down at the idea?Kryten: I knew I was lying! 'No silicon heaven'? Preposterous! Well, where would all the calculators go? [fist bumps Lister; even Rimmer can't help smiling]
- Lister trying to teach Kryten to lie.
- They finally get a breakthrough when he describes a banana as a "Small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!"Lister: Kryten, man, you can do it!
Kryten: (smug tone) No I cant!
Lister: Yes you- whoa, whoa, nice one!
Kryten: Well, I cant hang around here. Id better go away and take the penguin for a walk!
- Lister also tries to teach Kryten to insult people by calling Rimmer a smeg head. The best he can manage is "He's a smeeeeeeeg... heeeeeaaaad!" Later, when Kryten is alone with Rimmer, he tries his luck - and fails again.Kryten: You're a [face contorts] smeeee...
Rimmer: [with his usual level of contempt] A smee.
Kryten: A [face contorts] smeeeee heeeeee...
Rimmer: A smee hee.
Kryten: [emphatically] A complete and total one!
- Sadly, when Lister tries to get Kryten to show off his ability to lie in front of the Cat, he simply identifies the banana, orange, and apple as exactly that in a progressively tiny and shrill voice. Cat's reaction? "You taught him that?! That's terrific! You two should audition for 'What's My Fruit?'!" Made even funnier because there's no trace of sarcasm in the Cat's voice here; he genuinely seems to think it's neat that Kryten is correctly identifying fruits.
- Apparently something about Kryten's training sticks, though:Rimmer: I was glad to get rid of him; he's flipped! He's got mad droid disease; he kept waving a banana in front of me and calling it a female aardvark!
- They finally get a breakthrough when he describes a banana as a "Small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!"
- Kryten convincing Camille to come with him by mentioning the crew:Kryten: You'll like them. Well, some of them. Well, one of them. Maybe.
- Lister's version of Camille is a female fellow lager lout. Their course of action is obvious:Lister: We've gotta rebuild the human race. As quickly as possible. D'you wanna start now or d'you wanna clean your teeth first?
Camille: And they say romance is dead.
Lister: Hey, the prospect of makin' love to a complete an' total stranger is just as gallin' to me, y'know. We've gotta be completely professional about this, totally clinical and unemotional. So just lie back, relax, and I'll go and slip into my Spider-Man costume.
- The Cat discovers his ideal mate: himself.Cat: Can you think of anybody more deserving?
- The Brick Joke, when the truth of Camille comes out, and she apologises to the boys.Cat!Camille: Sorry, bud.
- As the episode opens, Lister, Kryten, Rimmer, and Holly are tracking a nearby UFO. Then the Cat arrives and proves spectacularly unhelpful:[Rimmer reads co-ordinates off a screen as Lister and Kryten type furiously at two keyboards]
Holly: Stand by, she's comin' round.
[the Cat enters with a hair dryer and brush]
Lister: [looks up from his terminal] Somethin' out there, man, some kind of UFO. We're clampin' on. [Cat looks uninterested; the other three carry on until the screens and surrounding lights suddenly go dark]
Kryten: Visual down, radar down! What's happening?
Holly: Something's knocked out the entire desk!
[the sound of a hair dryer provides the answer; Lister, Kryten, and Rimmer glare at the Cat, who finally shuts off his hair dryer]
Cat: What are you all lookin' at me like that for?
Lister: You've just unplugged the console!
Cat: Right! I'm blow-dryin' my hair!
Rimmer: We're tracking a UFO.
Cat: Oh! You're trackin' a UFO, so I have to sit around lookin' like the Bride of Frankenstein!?
Lister: [impatiently] Use another socket!
Cat: This is beyond belief! A spaceship five miles long and it don't fit enough plug sockets in the scanning room!
Lister: There's plenty of plug sockets in the scanning room, Cat! They're all taken up with your beauty aids! Now use a wall socket!
Cat: What!? Unplug my hot wax drip unsightly hair remover?!
Lister: Yes, unplug your hot wax drip unsightly hair remover!
Cat: I don't believe this! We finally get to encounter an alien species and I have to meet them with a wavery bikini line! [unplugs his hair dryer and stomps off to a nearby wall socket; the console comes back on, and the others pick up where they left off]
Rimmer: It's back, bearing 0-9-0, adjust 110...
Kryten: 110 port side... [the screens are suddenly clobbered by static interference as Cat's hair dryer fires up again; the others glare at him again]
Cat: [testily] All right, okay. I'll use gel. Everybody happy!? [rips the plug out of the socket and storms out]
- Rimmer's biggest concern at the presence of the alien spacecraft? That they might be coming to return Glenn Miller.Rimmer: That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them. [grimaces] Aw, smeg, that's all we need. Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with "Pennsylvania 6-5000". Kryten, open communication channels. [Kryten does so; Rimmer addresses the alien craft] We don't want him! Go away! You took him, you can keep the smegger!
- Rimmer and Kryten discussing which person in horror movies dies first, the guy at the front or the one in the rear. Rimmer's solution: Asking Kryten to go in the front and the rear so he can go in the middle. Cue the two of them shuffling in front of each other to stay in the middle.
- Kryten and Rimmer find the skeleton of a mutated crew member on the deserted spacecraft.Lister: (into communicator) Go, Kryten.
Kryten: (over communicator) We found something, sir.
Kryten: I think it's one of the crew. A hideously malformed, triple-headed skeleton. With putrefied flesh hanging from it. It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.
Lister: Is he all right?
Kryten: I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.
Rimmer: (over communicator) All right Kryten, you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid git! I'm fine now.
Kryten: So shall I cancel the order to find your mother?
Rimmer: Is that thing still on?
- Following the above scene, Kryten and Rimmer inspect the skeleton they have found:Kryten: Curious. The skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.
Rimmer: He's got three heads!
Kryten: Wait! (reaches into the pocket of the skeleton's ragged jacket) Here's some kind of wallet. (flips open the credit card pockets) Look, the artifacts are human! A pilot's licence, ID, even a video club card!
Rimmer: Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognise him? He's got six eyes and three noses! If it were me, I'd remember him! (addressing skeleton) "Aren't you the bloke who came in here last week, sneezed, and caused a monsoon?"
- Lister yelling at The Cat to get Kryten when he's messing with the D.N.A. machine. He gets progessively louder everytime Cat messes with the buttons.Cat: [running up to the controls, fascinated by the buttons and coloured lights] Hey, look at this! [starts pressing random buttons]
Lister: Don't mess around with that, man, we don't know what it does!
Cat: I'm just takin' a look!
[a beam of purple light suddenly descends from the ceiling around Lister]
Lister: Oh, cheers, man, brilliant, I'm- I'm trapped! Get me out of this thing!
Cat: Be cool, stay slinky! I'm on the case here, I remember the sequence! It was red, blue, yellow! [starts tapping buttons furiously] No, blue, yellow, red. [a voice starts speaking in an alien language]
Lister: What the smeg is that??
DNA Machine: LANGUAGE TRACE COMPLETED. DIALECT: ENGLISH, COLLOQUIAL CONSTRUCTION, 23RD CENTURY.
Lister: Look, do nothing, press nothing, just go and get Kryten!
Cat: Wait, I think I got it. [presses more buttons]
DNA Machine: TRANSMOGRIFICATION SEQUENCE INITIATED.
Cat: ... Maybe not.
DNA Machine: GENE SAMPLE EXTRACTED AND CLONED. PLEASE KEY IN NEW GENETIC STRUCTURE.
Lister: Do! Nothing! Press! Nothing! GET! KRYTEN!
Cat: Hey! You think I can't handle this on my own? I have to rush off and get Novelty Condom Head to bail you out? I got you into this, I'll get you out!
Lister: [panicking] Get Kryten!
Cat: [presses yet more buttons] Relax, would you? I know what I'm doing!
DNA Machine: NEW GENETIC STRUCTURE ACCEPTED. METAMORPHOSIS IN TEN SECONDS AND COUNTING.
Cat: [turning to Lister with an Oh, Crap! look] I got a good idea... why don't I go and get Kryten?
- Rimmer's mocking amazement at the Chicken-Lister.Kryten: [rushing into the room with Rimmer] Are you okay? We detected a massive power surge in this sector!
Rimmer: Where's Lister? [the Cat nods toward the chicken] That's Lister!?
Cat: What can I say, except... "Whoops!"
Rimmer: So this machine can turn any living thing into any other living thing.
Rimmer: And it turned Lister into a chicken.
Kryten: So it seems.
Cat: Question is, can we turn him back again?
Rimmer: [grinning] The question is, do we want to?
Kryten: Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult to recall his original form. It's simply a question of decoding the keypad.
Rimmer: Listy! [makes clucking noises] It's incredible, it really is him! Look, its even got his little beer gut!
- Unfortunately for Lister, Kryten's first attempt to restore him to human form doesn't go as planned, and when he tries to get Cat to tell him what happened, things get even worse for the mechanoid:Kryten: Hm. Seems a fairly straightforward hexadecimal layout. Logically, this should be the recall sequence. [presses a few buttons; Chicken-Lister is engulfed in light and transformed into... a hamster] That's not it, is it. [starts pacing] Let's start from the top. What happened here, exactly?
Cat: I was pressing the pads. I definitely pressed the yellow one first! [starts pressing pads again] And then this thing came down! [Kryten is engulfed in the same purple light that engulfed Lister; Cat doesn't notice] So I'm standing here, pressing the buttons, and then this voice said-
DNA Machine: TRANSMOGRIFICATION SEQUENCE ENGAGED.
Cat: Right! So I pressed some more buttons, [does so] and then it says-
DNA Machine: PLEASE KEY IN NEW GENETIC STRUCTURE.
Cat: That's it exactly!
Rimmer: [alarmed] Cat, stop!
Kryten: [calmly] There's no need to engage your panic chip, sir. The machine can only operate on organic life. I am mineral, and therefore immune.
DNA Machine: NEW GENETIC STRUCTURE ACCEPTED. METAMORPHOSIS IN TEN SECONDS AND COUNTING.
Kryten: Oh, wait a minute... no. My brain is part organic. And therefore it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition. Engage panic circuits... panic circuits engaged. [Stan Laurel-esque wail] AHHH-HAH!
- Miraculously, as the Cat continues to press buttons, Lister is restored to human form:Rimmer: Are you OK?
Lister: ... yeah, I think so.
Cat: What was it like being a hamster?
Lister: It was better than being a chicken! I mean, you've seen the size of an egg? You've seen the size of a chicken's bum? That's what all the cluckin' was about! I was tryin' to say in chicken talk, "For God's sake, give me an epidural!"
- The part where the newly human Kryten gives Lister a picture of his... junk. Best of all, his expression is genuine; they gave him pictures of random objects up until they were actually shooting, when they used a picture of an actual person's junk.Kryten: I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject - not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man..
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. [Lister just stares and smirks] I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Well yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister a polaroid, which obviously disgusts him] Well?
Lister: "Well", what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know, is that normal?
Lister: What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
- It gets even funnier when Kryten gives Lister two pictures of what happened after he browsed through an appliance catalogue; Lister takes a few attempts to put them together correctly, and when he does, his expression (and tone of voice when he asks "What were you thinking of at the time?") is priceless.Lister: No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid!
- As Kryten adjusts to his new humanity, Rimmer and the Cat are hovering over a microscope, under which is a flake of Rimmer's dandruff from which he hopes to effectively return to life by creating a clone of himself. Cat is sceptical... and then renders it a non-issue by accidentally sneezing on the microscope slide. Rimmer's venomous expression is priceless.note
- The newly-human Kryten's conversation with his spare heads (included the droid rot-affected, Yorkshire-accented Spare Head 3) and spare hand.Kryten: [entering his spare parts room, dressed in over-the-top flamboyant clothes] The most wondeful thing has happened! We found this machine and it's made me human!
Spare Head 1: You're a human now?
Kryten: That's right, Spare Head 1. Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true!
Spare Head 2: What's it like?
Kryten: It's indescribable, Spare Head 2. True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions, and there's no zoom, the nipples don't work and I could show you a snapshot of something that would make your eyes spin like fruit machines! But that apart, it's all going well.
Spare Head 1: What about us? It was my turn to be main head next month!
Kryten: Well, obviously that's no longer possible. Aren't you happy for me? I'm not a mechanoid. I'm not second class anymore!
Spare Head 2: What about Spare Head 3? You can't just leave him here, he's got droid rot!
Spare Head 3: [with a Yorkshire accent so heavy Geoff Boycott would tell him to tone it down] Ah don't need no bugger t'look after me! Ah may be 'alf round with siliconisis, and me voice units may be shot t'buggery, but Ah don't need sympathy from the likes of 'im!
Kryten: Well, I'll still come and visit. I won't forget you.
Spare Head 1: Where have you been for the last four days?
Kryten: Hey! I've been busy!
Spare Head 3: Aye, busy swankin' round with 'is new central nervous system, 'is poncy new eight-valve heart, lah-de-dah-ing it with all 'is fancy new 'uman friends!
Kryten: Oh, Spare Head 3, what do you know about anything?
Spare Head 3: Ooh, hark at 'im. Orderin' 'is own heads around. Ah may be thirty thousand years old and me circuit boards may 'ave gone bandy, but I'll tell yer this for nowt: yer came int' this world as a mechanoid, and a mechanoid ye'll always be!
Kryten: [outraged] I don't have to take this from you! I'm a human! Shut your stupid flat head!
Spare Head 2: [shocked] Kryten! I don't believe you just said that.
Kryten: I don't even know why I came here. What a waste of time.
Spare Head 1: I think you should leave now, Kryten. There's nothing more to say.
Spare Head 3: Aye, sling yer bloody 'ook. Go on, clear off!
Kryten: And what about you, Spare Hand 1? How do you feel?
[Spare Hand 1 gives a two-fingered response]
- Holly managing to accidentally create a vindaloo monster during a test run to restore Kryten to mechanoid form. Lister decides the only way to fight it is for Holly to turn him into a superhuman, but, Holly being Holly, she still gets it wrong:[Lister now looks like a BBC TV budget version of Robocop, but Rimmer's uneasy Reaction Shot makes it clear something has gone wrong]
Lister: [his voice suspiciously higher] Did it work?
Cat: [hesitantly] Kind of.
Lister: What d'you mean, "Kind of"?
Cat: I mean, kind of.
[in a wider shot, we see Lister is now about ten inches tall]
- How does Lister defeat the vindaloo monster? Lager, that's how.Lister: Of course, lager! The only thing that can kill a vinadloo!
[he lobs a can of Leopard lager into the monster's mouth and, in the same vein as Sheriff Brody blowing up an oxygen tank in the shark's mouth in the climax of Jaws, unloads his bazookoid into the can, reducing the monster to chunks of extra hot curry, several of which land on him. A while later, Rimmer, Kryten, and the Cat find him relaxing against a wall]
Lister: Has anyone got a popadom the size of Lake Michigan? This stuff's really good! [wipes some curry off his chest armour and eats it]
Cat: [sharing a look of disgust with Kryten and Rimmer] This guy's pure class.
- The exchange when Rimmer discovers Lister and the Cat have started thawing the pod:Rimmer: (returning from the diesel decks) Listyyy, what are you doing up? Shouldnt you be down in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes? (notices the countdown on the pod) Who started the R.P.?!
Cat: Whats the problem? [Barbara Bellini]s in there, lets get her out!
Rimmer: The problem, Pussycat Willum, is this capsule was ejected from a prison ship, on which the convicts mutinied. There was a pitched battle, with only two survivors: one prisoner and one guard - the erstwhile Ms Bellini. One of those two got into this pod and escaped. But of course, youll know all this, having familiarised yourself with the black box recording.
Lister: So if its not Bellini in there, who is it?
Rimmer: One of the prisoners. And considering the ship was transporting forty psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong androids, we thought it prudent to work out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up.
Kryten: With respect, sir, theyre not androids, theyre Simulants.
Cat: Whats the difference?
Kryten: Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a humans head and spit down his neck.
- Rimmer's slide-show from his "holiday" in the engine rooms, especially Kryten's expression during the following exchange:Kryten: Sir, can we just take a break for a while? My intelligence circuits appear to have melted.
Rimmer: Well, we're not going to get through them all if we have a second break!
Kryten: Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.
- The end of the 'space mumps' sequence. Rimmer's slide-show is interrupted by a squelch from offscreen, and Cat enters covered in gunge.Cat: (almost paralysed by shock) His — head — burst.Lister: Oh, that is so much better. I feel good! Talk about a weight off your mind.Cat: I don't wanna live! Please, somebody - shoot me in the head!
- When Rimmer is sentenced to nine thousand years' incarceration for his self-perceived role in the deaths of everyone except Lister aboard Red Dwarf, Lister visits him in his cell and learns about the Justice Zone - the difficult way:Lister: Hi, Killer.
Rimmer: Nine thousand years. Nine.
Lister: [sitting on the chair next to the bed] I brought you a book. [chucks it onto the bed next to Rimmer]
Rimmer: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, that'll really help the centuries fly by.
Lister: Look, don't panic, man, we're gonna get you out of here.
Rimmer: Why bother? I'll be up for parole in another couple of ice ages!
Lister: Look, Kryten reckons you've got the right of appeal, he's trying to put a case together right now. [looks around the cell] This isn't a bad place for a prison! How come there's no locks or bars or guards or anything?
Rimmer: [sighing heavily] There doesn't need to be. The whole prison complex is covered by something called the Justice Field. I had to sit through this tedious lecture. Apparently, it's physically impossible to commit any sort of crime here.
Lister: [confused] What d'you mean?
Rimmer: Just try and commit a crime, you'll see.
Lister: Well, like what?
Rimmer: I don't know, anything! [thinks] Arson. Try and set fire to those sheets.
Lister: [shrugs] Okay.
Rimmer: Go on, try it. [Lister untucks the sheets and takes his lighter to them as Rimmer relaxes on the bed; Lister doesn't notice the back of his jacket catch fire] Whatever crime you try and commit, the consequences happen to you.
Lister: [smells smoke, then notices his jacket on fire] SMEGGIN' 'ELL! [rips his jacket off and stamps out the flames] Nice example, Rimmer! Nice example! You could've just explained that to me verbally! [Rimmer allows himself a smug "That wouldn't have been as much fun" smirk]
Rimmer: It's the same with stealing. Same with everything.
Lister: [sits down again] Right, I'm with ya. So if you nick something, something of yours goes missing. Yeah.
Rimmer: Right. Try it.
Lister: [puffs his cheeks, looks around the cell... then decides, "Fool me once..."] No.
- Kryten's "The Reason You Suck" Speech, as he proposes that Rimmer could not be deemed guilty of any crime as he is far too incompetent to be responsible for his actions. Especially when Rimmer objects to Kryten's defense, which Kryten presents as further evidence of his point.
- The entirety of Rimmer's re-trial is hilarious - Lister taking the stand is laugh out loud funny all on its own.Kryten: Name?
Lister: Dave Lister.
Lister: (thinks a second) Bum.
- And then:Kryten: (To Lister) Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Cat: Take the fifth!
Kryten: Now please, answer the question. Remember, you are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
- Followed by:Kryten: And are there no others who have shared moments of intimacy with him?
Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture.
- The entirety of Rimmer's re-trial is hilarious - Lister taking the stand is laugh out loud funny all on its own.
- The climax of this episode has the crew being chased by a homicidal android (sorry, Simulant) into the Justice Zone, leading to a confrontation between Lister and the crazed Simulant on a walkway.
- While the two of them meet to discuss terms under a supposed truce with no weapons, it turns out the two of them have been lying through their teeth:Simulant: Guess what? [Produces a knife from behind his back] I lied.
Lister: Guess what? [Produces a steel pipe from behind his back and clangs it against the railings] So did I.
Simulant: But I lied... [Produces an assault rifle from behind his back] Twice.
Lister: [Pause] Didn't think of that.
Simulant: I'm very glad of that.
Lister: What d'you wanna talk about?
Simulant: Your death. [cocks the assault rifle] Your imminent death.
- But Lister quickly discovers the Justice Zone works in his favour...[the Simulant fires two rounds from his assault rifle, causing Lister to flinch and look for bullet holes... only for the bullets to slam into the Simulant's abdomen. Lister takes advantage of his distraction to smash him with the steel pipe... and staggers back, dazed, while the Simulant doesn't react at all]
Lister: What the smeg is goin' on!?
[the Simulant looks at his assault rifle and throws it down, aggravating Lister's headache, then throws his knife at Lister... and it boomerangs back and hits him square in the chest. He pulls the knife out and throws it again, and this time it boomerangs back and plunges into his forehead. Lister grins, finally getting it. He drops the pipe and picks up a red vessel before walking up to the Simulant]
Lister: Yo, matey. Hit me on the head with this.
Simulant: [his speech circuits struggling more and more] Malfunction! Does not compute! [smashes the vessel over Lister's head, and sinks to his knees as though he was the one who was hit]
Lister: [hands over another vessel] And again.
Simulant: Malfunction! [smashes the vessel over Lister's head, becoming even more dazed; Lister hands him a third vessel] Mal... func... tion... [smashes the third vessel, now close to losing consciousness. Lister then takes his hands and shoves his own neck into them; the Simulant reflexively tries to strangle Lister, only to start choking and gasping for breath himself, until he finally slumps to the floor, his arms twitching as his circuits start shutting down]
- Shortly after this, the Cat whacks the Simulant around the head with a shovel. As they are still in the Justice Zone and the consequences of any crimes committed happen to the perpetrator instead of the victim, you can guess what happens next. Well, Cat could've toppled over arse-over-tit, but his face freezes in mid-'victory' as he falls backwards, which is what makes it really funny.Cat: [approaching the Simulant from behind with a shovel] I've got him, buddy! Leave this to me!
Lister: Cat, no! No!
Cat: Better late than never! [Lister grimaces in anticipation as the Cat spits on the blade of the shovel before slamming the Simulant over the head with a loud "CLANG"!, denting the tool. He begins chuckling triumphantly... then falls over backwards, unconscious]
- While the two of them meet to discuss terms under a supposed truce with no weapons, it turns out the two of them have been lying through their teeth:
- And at the very end of the episode, the conclusion to Lister's long moralistic rant:Lister: Makes you think, though, doesn't it. I mean, mankind's history has been one long search for justice. That's what all religions are about! I mean, they accept life as being basically unfair, but promise that everyone will get their just desserts later: Heaven, Hell, karma, reincarnation, whatever. Those guys who built that penal colony, they tried to bring some order to the universe by creating the Justice Field, but when you live an environment where justice does exist, you have no free will! That's why in our universe you can never have true, natural justice, guy — good things will happen to bad people, and bad things will happen to good people. It's the way it's got to be. Life, by its very nature, has to be cruel, unkind and unFAAAIIRRR...!
(He falls down an open maintenance shaft, landing with a "SPLASH!". Kryten, Rimmer, and the Cat look in after him.)
Cat: Thank God for that. (slams the shaft's cover-hatch shut.)
- One of the best moments of the episode is Talkie Toaster, a sentient toaster that wants everyone to do nothing but eat toast and other bread products. Including Holly.Lister: We don't like muffins around here. We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, (starts ticking off on his fingers) no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks.
Talkie Toaster: ...Aah, so you're a waffle man!
- When Holly conserves her remaining three minutes of operating time by shutting off the ship's electricity, the crew have no way to get through the 53 doors to the control room. The Cat makes a suggestion...Cat: Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!
Kryten: An excellent suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks - one, we don't have a power source for the lasers; and two, we don't have any lasers.
Kryten: Fifty-three doors!? You can't be serious!
- Lister then points out that interior doors on Red Dwarf are only a light alloy, so they might be able to get through them with a battering ram - something about 6 ft long, fairly sturdy, with a flat top. Cue everyone looking at Kryten...
[the others grin; cut to Kryten being used to bash down the fifty-third door]
Lister: [as he and Cat put Kryten on his feet] You okay, man?
Kryten: I'm fine, thank you, Susan.
- Rimmer's reaction when asked to sacrifice his life for the rest of the crew.Kryten: Well the Space Corp directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: No chance you metal bastard.
- Kryten tries to remind Rimmer of Captain Oates' sacrifice on the doomed Antarctic expedition of Captain Scott, recognising that there wasn't enough food for everyone and deciding that his own life was expendable. Rimmer is unimpressed, dismissing Oates as "a prat", and saying that if he'd been Oates, he'd have whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky and eaten him. He further suggests that the only reason anyone knows about Oates' sacrifice is from Scott's diary, so how do we know the real diary entry shouldn't have read "Bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept and scoffed him with the last packet of instant mash"?
- Desperate for something other than cold tinned beans ("This place is beginnin' to smell like the inside of a packet of dry roasted peanuts!" Lister groans), Lister and the Cat rig an exercise bike to power a hair dryer to fry an egg, but it takes twenty minutes to finally switch on, by which time Lister is too tired to keep pedalling. Still, when it does switch on, we get this gem:Cat: YEAH! We're cookin' now! How do you want yours, permed or blow-dried?
- Lister angsts over how little scientific knowledge he has in the face of having to do without technology, remembering that in biology class, he used to turn to page 47 and start drawing little beards and moustaches on the sperm cells.
- Kryten and Rimmer return from a five-day trip down two thousand floors to the cargo deck for supplies and back again, only for a time anomaly to strike in which time moves at different speeds in different parts of the same room.Kryten: Hmm. Interesting! [sticks his hand into the left side of the room, then steps into it, his voice dropping several octaves and becoming more than twice as slow] GOOD HEAVENS. WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?
Rimmer: [his voice twice as fast and an octave higher] Ithinkitcamefromoutsidetheship! Areyouokay? Isthereanywaywecangetadamagereport? What'sgoingon?
Kryten: WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING SO QUICKLY, SIR?
Rimmer: [indignant] I'mnotspeakingquickly,I'mspeakingperfectlynormally! It'syou! You'respeakingtooslowly! It'slikehavingaconversationwithPaulRobesonondope!
- The repeating time scene was truly outstanding, especially as they came to realize it and struggled to overcome the random time skips and repeats, not helped by the Cat's inability to focus.
- Our first indication that something is wrong: they have the same conversation twice in a row, and seem to be going for a third helping, but it's just the Cat pulling their legs:[Lister and Cat are sitting on counters on opposite sides of the room, and Kryten and Rimmer are standing]
Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before. No one has. But I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A white hole? [looks at the viewscreen]
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: So that thing's spewing time back into the universe? [he puts his hat on his head as he says this]
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before. No one has. But I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A white hole? [looks at the viewscreen]
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: [his hat in his hand again] So that thing's spewing time back into the universe? [puts his hat back on his head]
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
Lister: What time phenomena?
Kryten: Like just then, when time repeated itself.
Cat: So, what is it? [the others give him a look; he grins] Only joking.
- And that's not the only way time is proceeding in a nonlinear fashion:Lister: [suddenly standing, minus his hat again] Okay, so it's decided then! We consult Holly.
Cat: [confused] Hey, wait a minute... I missed the discussion! [in a wider shot, we see Kryten and Rimmer are suddenly sitting on the counters and Lister and Cat are now standing]
Rimmer: We all did.
Kryten: Time is occurring in random pockets. The laws of causality no longer apply. An action no longer leads to a consequence.
Cat: [in his old position on the counter] So, what is it?
Kryten: [standing next to Rimmer again] I think we've experienced this period of time before, Sir.
Cat: [grins] Only joking.
Kryten: And that one. Since we're no longer affected by the laws of causality, we can override these time jumps if we concentrate.
Rimmer: Look, the only way out of this is to consult Holly.
Cat: [snaps fingers] I'll go with that.
Kryten: Gets my vote.
Lister: [standing again, minus his hat] Okay, so it's decided then. We consult Holly.
Kryten: [sitting in Lister's old position on the counter] Ah, I think we've just encountered the middle of this conversation!
Cat: [back on the counter again] So, what is it?
Lister: [also back on the counter] Oh, someone punch him out!
- Knowing they're working against Holly's vastly reduced operating time, Rimmer tries to condense his message. It doesn't quite go as planned, but it does eventually produce results. And then...Lister: Put Holly up.
Kryten: She only has two minutes left! Perhaps I should talk to her.
Rimmer: [holds up his hand] Leave this to me, Kryten. On! [Holly appears on screen; Rimmer talks as quickly as he can] White hole spewing time engines dead air supply low advice please.
Holly: [edgily] Excuse me!?
Rimmer: [as quickly as before] White hole spewing time engines dead-
Holly: I can't understand a word you're saying-
Rimmer: [impatiently] White.
Holly: With you.
Rimmer: Engines dead.
Rimmer: Air supply low.
Rimmer: Advice, please.
Holly: Right. [vanishes from the screen; Kryten extracts her "answer", a small disc, from a nearby drive]
Kryten: It's a computer slug. From the format, it looks like it's compatible with Starbug's navicom.
Cat: [back in his old position on the counter] So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before. No-one has. But I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A white hole? [looks at the viewscreen]
Kryten: Every action has an equal... [audio fades out over a shot of the white hole, accompanied by its Leitmotif]
- Our first indication that something is wrong: they have the same conversation twice in a row, and seem to be going for a third helping, but it's just the Cat pulling their legs:
- Lister's pool game with planets initially appears to have gone badly as the planet intended to plug the white hole goes off course and smashes into one of the other planets... which proceeds to smash into a third planet, which soars into the white hole, sealing it up as Lister triumphantly declares, "SHE RIDES!" He then passes off the turn of good fortune as a trick shot.Lister: [dancing in celebration] Intended! Pool god! King of the cues! Prince of the planet potters!
- The best part was right at the end when time is all put right and the Reset Button is slowly causing everything to revert back to what it was before, and Kryten uses the fact that they won't remember anything to deliver one last awesome insult towards Rimmer.Kryten: We'll cease to be here, because none of this will have occurred. But we will exist back on Red Dwarf before all this began, with, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened. And as these events never happened, we'll have no memory of them. In which case, Mr. Rimmer, sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever BEEN MY MISFORTUNE TO ENCOUNTER! Ha!
- Bongo propositioning Ace.Ace: Im sorry, Bongo. Lunch is... on Mellie.
- After the Ace Rimmer-centric introduction, we see Kryten wake up Lister as the two try to leave the still-sleeping Rimmer behind:Rimmer: Lights.
[the lights switch on; Lister and Kryten, dressed for fishing, freeze]
Rimmer: What are you doing?
Lister: What am I doin'?
Rimmer: Yes, what are you doing?
Lister: Just nippin' down to the cinema to catch the midnight movie.
Rimmer: What, dressed like that?
Lister: Yeah. We're gonna see Jaws.
Rimmer: You're going fishing, aren't you? That ocean planet we passed two days ago, you're going fishing without me.
Lister: Oh come off it man, don't be ridiculous!
Cat: [entering in fishing gear] Hey, whatre you doin' with the lights on? Come on, let's get out of here before- [smiles nervously]
Rimmer: I don't believe it, all three of you!
Cat: What's he talkin' about?
Lister: I dunno, hes got this crazy whacked-out idea that we're all goin' on a fishin' holiday.
Cat: A fishin' holiday?!
Rimmer: [reading from a note taped to the wall] "Dear Rimmer, we have gone on a fishing holiday... to the ocean planet we passed two days ago. We tried to wake you, but couldn't. See you in three weeks, L, K & C."
- Lister describing the 'fishing' he did in Liverpool... which involved no fish. The Call-Back to it by the Cat when Rimmer is boring everyone with his ideas of Incredibly Lame Fun (listening to Hammond organist Reggie Wilson playing "the lift music classics", campfire songs, etc.).The Cat: Has anyone seen the keys to the medical cabinet? I have a sudden urge to suffocate myself with a two pound black ribbed knobbler.
- In preparation for the crash, Lister, Rimmer, and the Cat read the incredibly boring articles in the in-flight magazine - on such topics as the use of salt in cookery, Estonian wines, Belgian weaving - which act as a natural sedative to prevent them from tensing up and aggravating any injuries they might receive.
- Ace telling Lister that he's about to do something sissy. He faints and immediately regains consciousness.
- Rimmer's incredulous reaction to Ace giving Lister a nickname:
- This scene:Lister: Hang on, these guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one who looks like Al Capone, there's one like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon! Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been gathered together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection!
Cat: What are they doing?
Lister: They're all just lining up in... in some kind of firing squad. (sounds from outside) Whoa, whoa, 'ang on, 'ang on, someone's being brought out! They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie-the-Pooh!
Lister: Winnie-the-Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.
Cat: They're tying Winnie-the-Pooh to the stake?
Lister: (slumps to the ground, evidently shell-shocked) That's something no one should ever have to see.
- Anything with Caligula."RASPUTIN! Bring hither the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out, and unleash the rampant wildebeest!"
- Particularly the way Caligula, whenever Cat says anything insulting or idiotic, slaps Lister in response.Lister: [To Cat] SHUT! UP!
- Particularly the way Caligula, whenever Cat says anything insulting or idiotic, slaps Lister in response.
- The end of the episode, where Lister takes Rimmer's Light Bee and swallows it in revenge for what Rimmer put them through.Lister: Does anyone fancy a vindaloo?
- The whole "Binks to Enlightenment" scene but especially the moment when, after Lister finishes talking into his cigarette box, he eats the cigarette that's sticking out.Lister: (mimicking Binks' communicator with an open cigarette box) Lister to Red Dwarf, we have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region, chin absent - presumed missing. Genitalia, small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment, evidence of primitive humour. The human shows knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition, could maybe master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf, displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment, the human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf, the intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet, and unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat! (takes out a cigarette and eats it)
Binks: (having displayed signs of nervousness following mention of the holowhip) Binks to Enlightenment, recon mission complete. Transmit. (Lister is now approaching as though to punch him) With speed. Enlightenment, quickly, please.
- In the Smeg Up for this scene, Lister adds:
- When the Holoship first beams Rimmer over:Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!
- Faced with an unknown signature, the Cat makes a suggestion:The Cat: Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with only two minor drawbacks: 1) We don't have defensive shields, 2) We don't have defensive shields. Now, I realise that, technically speaking thats only one flaw, but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice.
The Cat: Well, I say lets break out the laser cannons and give em both barrels.
- Even better is the Cat's completely annoyed expression when he realises what Kryten's doing.
- A similar thing later on:
Kryten: An adroit suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks:-
The Cat: (annoyed) Okay, forget it!
- Kryten rails against Rimmer joining a holoship:Kryten: Sir, if you join that ship you will be forced to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now, am I the only one who finds that just a little bit tacky?
(We see Lister and the Cat are now completely frozen in contemplation)
Kryten: Well, quite clearly, I am!
- Lister's commentary on the Trojan Horse (based on reading a comic book of the Iliad):Lister: I mean, the Greeks have been camped outside Troy, kerpowing, zapping, and kersplatting the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah?Rimmer: So?Lister: So all of a sudden they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this gift; this tribute to their valiant foes: a huge wooden horse, just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities? Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, "Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy. What's wrong with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?" No, they don't — they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night! People that stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds! You know what the big joke is? From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," when it would be much more logical to derive the phrase, "Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads!"
- Kryten is asked how he's heard of the Inquisitor:Kryten: Only as a myth, a dark fable. A horror tale told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space-dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
- Kryten elaborates what the Inquisitor wants out of them. And Rimmer goes into a minor meltdown.Kryten: The key is simply to have lived a worthwhile life.
Rimmer: Why. Did no one. Mention this. Before. If I had been told about this at the start, that the objective is to live a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it! All those charity telethons when I used to ring in and pledge donations... if I'd known about this, I would've given them my credit card number!
Kryten: Sir, you needn't have been a great philanthropist or a missionary worker, you simply need to seize the gift of life.
Rimmer: Oh, God.
Kryten: Make a contribution
Rimmer: Oh, God.
Kryten: no matter how small.
Rimmer: Oh, God.
Kryten: You simply... simply need to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain or self-serving.
Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Kryten: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
Rimmer: Well, shut up, then!
- Rimmer's Oh, Crap! (or rather, "Oh smeg") upon learning he'll be judged by himself. His argument doesn't go well.Rimmer: Well, first, I
Rimmer: I've done good things.
Inquisitor: No, you haven't.
Rimmer: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
Inquisitor: No, you didn't.
Rimmer: Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life.
Rimmer: (long awkward pause) (points to the corner) Ah! What's that in the corner? It's the Archangel Gabriel! Well, that's me converted, I'm a new man. Hallelujah.
Inquisitor: You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted green discharge of a man, aren't you?
- Cat's defence to the Inquisitor (who has taken on Cat's image and voice). Even funnier, it works.Inquisitor: I have to ask you the question: justify your existence. What contribution have you made?Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!Inquisitor: That's true!Cat: Can I go now?Inquisitor: That's your case?Cat: You need more?!Inquisitor: I might say, that's a pretty shallow argument!Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy. But a shallow guy with a great ass!Inquisitor: Sometimes, you astonish even me!Cat: Heh, thank you.
- After Lister and Kryten had been erased, they run into Cat and Rimmer, who point guns at them. Lister pleads with Rimmer, saying he knows him.Rimmer: Well, if you do know me, you'll know I'm the rough and hardened ex-marine type you do not trifle with.
Lister: (beat) No, you're not!
Rimmer: For the last time
Lister: Fiona Barrington. Fifteen years of age. You got off with her in your dad's greenhouse. You thought you got lucky, but it turned out all the time you had your hand in warm compost. How can I know that and not know you?
Rimer: (whispers to Cat) Not true.
Lister: Youve got three brothers, John, Howard, and Frank. You're really mean with money, you're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four people committed suicide! Your middle name's Judas, but you tell everyone it's Jonathan! You sign all- all your official letters A.J. Rimmer, BSC, and BSC stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate"! You're a cheating, weaseling, lowlife scum-bucket, with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse!
The Cat: Gotta admit, bud, he got a handle on you there.
Rimmer: (nods in agreement, looking abashed)
- Lister uses his doppelganger's severed hand to open the palm print-activated doors. He tells Kryten not to look, but Kryten works it out anyway:Kryten: Logically, sir, there is only one way you could possibly have opened that door. I feel quite nauseous. Where is it?
Lister: Where's what?
Kryten: (looking revolted) Oh, sir, you've got it in your jacket!
Lister: I got us out of the hold, didn't I?
Kryten: Sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person! How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea!
Lister: Shut up! Or I'll beat ya to death with the wet end!
Kryten: Sir, if Mechanoids could barf, I'd be onto my fifth bag by now!
- From the end:Kryten: I do believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir.
Lister: Give you five? I can do better than that. (holds up severed hand) I can give you fifteen.
- "Kryten personal black box recording. Time: unknown. Location: unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should anyone find this recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here."
- Holly informs Lister there's a problem.Holly: Well, I dont want to spread any panic or alarm.
Lister: (now alarmed) What dyou mean you dont wanna spread panic and alarm?
Holly: Well, youve always had this thing against tarantulas, havent you?
Lister: (frightened look) Tarantulas?!
Holly: I mean, you've never been overly fond of them as a species, have you?
Lister: Well, no!
Holly: And the prospect of waking up and finding one clambering over your clammy, naked, helpless body has always filled you with a sort of cold dread?
Lister: Well, yeah! What are you trying to say to me, Holly?
Holly: I'm saying... it might not be your night.
- Lister thinks a tarantula (actually one of Kryten's hands) is crawling up his leg, and is too scared to talk so he types out requests for help:Lister: > Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula [sic]
The Cat: You're playing that dumb adventure game.
Lister: > It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest
The Cat: Then buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard. That's what I usually do.
Lister: > I'm SERIOUS.
(The Cat looks down, then starts typing)
The Cat: > It has an eye the size of a meatball
Lister: > Kill it
The Cat: > How?
Lister: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
The Cat: > I'm scared
Lister: > YOU'RE scared. How d'you think I feel?
The Cat: > You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: > The lower half of my body has gone numb.
The Cat: > That's probably for the best.
Lister: > It's moving
The Cat: > Oh *#%^**!!
- Lister prepares to free Kryten from the wreckage of Starbug with a welding torch. Kryten has reservations:Kryten: Sir, just a couple of brief points. One: you are not a qualified service engineer and, consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee. And two: I wouldnt trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open!
- The moon on which Starbug crashed has evolved based on Rimmer's subconscious, leading to Rimmer being imprisoned by a creature spawned from his own self-loathing. The other three mount a rescue mission:Lister: Remember, its Rimmers mind out there. (readies a bazookoid) Expect sickness.
- As Rimmer is held hostage on the moon, two scantily clad women are oiling him.Rimmer: Oh, thank God, thank God! There were some very, very strange men running around in black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes. But thank God youre here. You know, I actually thought I was in the most awful danger.
Rimmer: (Beat) Is it me, or has it suddenly got rather hot in here?
Rimmer: Im a Second Technician in the Space Corps. Im briefed to give you my name and number and nothing more. I dont know who you people are or what you think youre playing at, but Im not gonna give you anything else. You can oil me all you like, you can use your tongues and your full sensual lips to caress my erogenous zones onto a plateau of sexual ecstasy, but Ill tell you now: this nuts not for cracking. (feels the women rubbing his nipples) However, far be it from me to change your game plan. If you absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to accomplish your devious ends, then so be it. Just have a large quattro formaggio pizza with extra olives ready at the end. (the women start walking away) Um, where are you going? Er, what are you doing? (the women have reached the top of the stairs) My god, are you gonna take a flying leap?!
Woman 1: We are going to summon the Master.
Rimmer: The Master?
Woman 2: You have been prepared for him.
Rimmer: This Master character - and I acknowledge I may not want the full answer to this one - but why does he want me oily in particularly? Obviously, whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?
Woman 1: He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity.
Rimmer: Not the best news, but it could've been worse.
- Kryten calmly and politely telling Rimmer all the reasons why he would hate himself for over a minute. And then complaining about Rimmer interrupting him halfway.Rimmer: Self-loathing? I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?
Kryten: Would you like the list, sir?
Rimmer: What list?
Kryten: Well. There's the fact that you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards; the fact that your three brothers were all such high flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines; there's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone; your cowardliness; your lack of charm, honour, or grace; and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life, no-one has truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.
Rimmer: Oh, that!
Kryten: Please don't interrupt, sir. I'm only halfway through my list. Now where was I? Oh, yes-
Lister: I think he's got the point, Kryten.
- A variant on the "two minor drawbacks" gag from "Holoship":Cat: Okay, I say lets get into the jet-powered rocket pants and Junior Birdman the hell out of here!
Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks: A- we dont have any jet-powered rocket pants, and B- theres no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the- outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocketpants.
Cat: Well, thats put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.
- It's brutal, but the utterly nonchalant bluntness with which the other members of the crew confirm Rimmer's suspicion that everything they said was just to free him and themselves from the psy-moon that was trapping them there via Rimmer's self-loathing is also hilarious.
- This:Ax-Crazy hologram: Hello, My name is Dr. Hildegaard Langstrom, and I am quite, quite mad.
Rimmer: (with fake enthusiasm) Are you really? How absolutely splendid!
Ax-Crazy hologram: I have a riddle for you. What is dead, and dead, and dead all over?
Rimmer: (his fake smile vanishes) I give in, Dr. Fruit Loop, do tell.
Ax-Crazy hologram: (singsong) Youuuuu! (the console explodes)
Rimmer: ... well, we know what to get you for Christmas! A double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper!
- "Mr Flibble's very cross." As a bonus, Rimmer is in full Tranquil Fury, Creepy Monotone mode and is perfectly still... except for the hand that is wearing Mr Flibble, which is vibrating furiously.
- Kryten gets an axe in the back, and takes the Non Sequitur, *Thud* to the next level. Watch it here.Lister: Kryten, man, are you okay?!
Kryten: I have a medium sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing that can really put a crimp on your day.
- Rimmer's Creepy Monotone is what truly sells this scene:Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think that's un-amiss?
The Cat: No, of course not! Its just, we thought youd gone nuts. We were tryin to humour you.
Rimmer: I was just doing a little test. A little test to see if youd gone crazy. FLEUUUGHH!!! (back to monotone) If theres one thing I cant stand, its crazy people.
Lister: Well we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees... and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
The Cat: Could we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
The Cat: The King.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah, a little three-seater.
Rimmer: So, Let Me Get This Straight.... You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?
Lister: What do we do?!
- Also, Lister's Oh, Crap! face on realising he's walked right into Rimmer's trap.
- Also, the Cats reaction to the resulting punishment of being deprived of oxygen for two hours:
Cat: I think our only hopes the Potato King.
- Holovirus-Rimmer is what everyone seems to remember, but the three other Dwarfers get some pretty good moments just by being stuck together in the quarantine chamber before learning how crazy Rimmer's gone.
- One word: TETCHY.
- This exchange:Rimmer: ...And fulfilling all Space Corps dietary requirements, dinner tonight, gentlemen, will consist of sprout soup, followed by sprout salad, and for dessert, I think you'll like it, rather unusual, sprout crumble.
Lister: Rimmer, you know damn well sprouts make me chuck.
Rimmer: Well this is awful! I've got you down for sprouts almost every meal! [shakes head] I tell a lie, it is every meal!
- The bit at the beginning where they're exploring the abandoned medical facility is pure gold, thanks to Robert Llewellyn's absolutely perfect delivery:Kryten: There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now. (beat) [whacks scanner]
Kryten: .... It's never done that before. Stupid cheap damn Martian power packs...
The Cat: (freaking out) So what's the news?
Kryten: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up... [shakes scanner a few more times] Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. Small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. Ah. Now here are the results. Yep. And we're going to... live!Lister: We're a real Mickey Mouse operation.The Cat: Mickey Mouse?! We ain't even Betty Boop!
- Lister and The Cat's reaction to being attacked by Lanstrom:Lister: Why can't we ever meet anyone nice?
Demons And Angels
- Rimmer is singularly (or perhaps that should be triply?) unimpressed by the first demonstration of the triplicator on the ship's last strawberry:Rimmer: Well! I don't know if the Nobel Prize people run a Fruit section, but if they do, you've got to be this year's hot tip! Gentlemen... history beckons. You'll be famous! They'll build your statues, they'll even name towns after you... "Dorksville" springs instantly to mind!
Lister: This machine can revolutionise our lives!
Rimmer: Absolutely. With this machine running at full pelt, I can confidently predict we could have a full fruit salad by the end of the year.
- Lister tries one of the triplicated strawberries, and is bowled over by how succulent and divine it is. He then tries the other one, and describes it as "bitter, rancid, kinda tangy... crunchy... tangy... kinda chewy, meaty even... funny kind of wriggly texture." Kryten and Rimmer finally direct his attention to the colony of maggots crawling out of the strawberry.
- Lister wonders aloud what would happen if they reversed the process, and types in the necessary commands... causing a series of explosions to go off all around them. The biggest casualty is Holly:Rimmer: [after the initial explosions subside] Nice experiment, guys. What do you do for an encore, neutron bomb juggling!?
Holly: [appears on screen as alarm klaxons begin sounding] Rude Alert! Rude Alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! I repeat, this is not a daffodil!
Rimmer: [deadpan] Well, thankfully, Hollys unaffected!
Kryten: [reading off a screen] The engine core is approaching critical mass! We'll have meltdown in less than fifteen minutes!
Rimmer: Er, I think a brisk stroll in the direction of the cargo bay could be an outstanding career move at this point. [starts moving toward the door]
Lister: What are you saying? Red Dwarf's gonna blow?
Kryten: In less time than it takes a Norwegian to buy ski boots!
Cat: [running up to the door] Hey guys, I think they're playing our tune, the Awooga Waltz! Anyone care to join me in a quickstep? Aie, let's go! [they all leg it; cut to Starbug lifting off as explosions go off all around it]
Rimmer: Holly, open cargo bay doors.
Kryten: Uh - um, uh, Holly! [stammers] Those cargo bay doors we talked about earlier, would you mind opening them, please? [laughs nervously]
Lister: Holly, the doors, Holly!!
Holly: The phrase "Cargo bay doors" does not appear to be in my lexicon.
Lister: Manual override!
Holly: The phrase "Manual override"-
Lister: OH, FORGET IT! [the four crew members brace themselves; Starbug ploughs straight through the still-closed doors]
- Lister tries to re-assure the other three that there are enough failsafes in place to prevent anything seriously bad happening to Red Dwarf. He is Instantly Proven Wrong:Kryten: That's eighty klicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone.
Cat: You really think it's gonna blow?
Rimmer: This can't be happening.
Lister: Look, nothing's going to happen. We're just here as a precaution. The whole ship's full of failsafes anyway... cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowing are about one in- [KA-BOOM!!] ... one.
- As with the strawberry, the two copies of Red Dwarf are polar opposites; the High ship is effectively a monastery whose inhabitants lead austere, altruistic lives, while the Low ship is a Wretched Hive whose inhabitants are a psychopathic criminal gang. For Lister, the highlight of the High ship comes in the Pot Noodle in the fridge (a Call-Back to "Marooned"):Lister: [to the Cat as they savour the taste] Mmm... I'll tell you one thing: I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle! [wolfs down another forkful]
- The experience on the Low ship is very different, and the High crew are, unfortunately, incapable of responding appropriately:
- The Lows begin attacking the High and regular crew almost as soon as they set foot in the ship. High Kryten is shot and dragged away from danger by the regulars.High Kryten: The poor man has a faulty gun! He's accidentally shot me five times! Oh, how I love him!
- ThenHigh Cat: Brother, there is a grievous fault with thine weapon. It keepeth shooting people!
[He is shot in the chest and begins to bleed copiously.]
High Cat: [with absolutely no change in tone] See, there it goes again!
- The Lows begin attacking the High and regular crew almost as soon as they set foot in the ship. High Kryten is shot and dragged away from danger by the regulars.
- Lister is the first to have a face-to-face encounter with the Lows. The highlight is Low Rimmer, who is dressed remarkably like Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Show:Lister: [whispering, trying not to alert Low Lister, Low Cat, or Low Kryten] Rimmer!... Rimmer!...
Low Rimmer: [descending a staircase] Looking for someone?
Lister: [taking in the sight of his crewmate's camp evil triplicate, clad in full S&M gear] Holy smeg...
Low Rimmer: Hello, my pretty.
Lister: What d'you want with me?
Low Rimmer: I want to hurt you.
Low Rimmer: Because... I'm not a very nice person. [produces a holowhip and lashes Lister across the face]
Lister: A holowhip?...
Low Rimmer: I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life. And then... I'm going to have you!
- The Lows' supplies are as horrible as you'd expect.
- Cat finds their video collection.Cat: Nice movie collection! "Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monster". "Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head".
- Kryten then looks in the fridge.Kryten: Eugh, toastie toppers. Cinema hot dogs! [shows one to the Cat] Oh, sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out! Ugh! [slams the door]
- Rimmer would approve of their taste in music, though:Cat: [showing Kryten a stack of CDs] Look at this music! Hammond Heaven! Karaoke Crazy! Peter Perfect Plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies!
- Cat finds their video collection.
- Having found the two triplicators, the regular crew prepare to re-integrate the High and Low ships. There's one problem: Lister is now being remote-controlled by the Lows via a spinal implant and has already murdered High Lister and High Rimmer, and is now going after his crewmates...
- He initially shows up with a fire axe and duct tape over his mouth. Rimmer has a rather... extreme solution when it comes to incapacitating him:Cat: [over a P.O.V. Cam shot of Lister approaching him] What took you so long, buddy? [Lister's screams against the tape are muffled] What? [rips off the tape]
Lister: Look out! I'm gonna kill you! [swings the axe... straight into a support beam. Cat legs it] I'm a homicidal maniac! My body's being remote-controlled by the Lows! [he pulls the axe out and staggers over to Kryten] Kryten, look out! [bashes Kryten on the top of his head] You gotta stop me! [bashes Kryten on the side of his head; Kryten staggers back, dazed, as Lister marches over to Cat and starts strangling him]
Rimmer: Shoot him!
Rimmer: Blow his kneecaps off, it's the only way!
Lister: Give me a break, Rimmer!
Rimmer: He's a homicidal maniac, put him down!
Lister: [as Cat continues to choke and gasp for breath] There must be some other way! You've gotta incapacitate me somehow!
Rimmer: [points] There, Kryten! Hit him over the head with that axe!
Lister: That'll kill me!
Rimmer: Not if he does it gently!
- The Cat eventually takes matters into his own, er, hands.Rimmer: Come on, he's killing the Cat!
Kryten: [paralysed with indecision] Oh, what can I do??
Lister: Incapacitate me in a painless way.
[There's an incredibly loud "crunch" as Cat kicks Lister down there]
Lister: [now the one struggling to breathe] That was unnecessary.
The Cat: Unnecessary? Look what you've done to my neckline. This stuff never springs back!
- He initially shows up with a fire axe and duct tape over his mouth. Rimmer has a rather... extreme solution when it comes to incapacitating him:
- But once the ships are re-integrated, the regular crew discover that Low Lister managed to sneak aboard Starbug, so when Lister accidentally sits on the spinal implant, he is once again under his Low counterpart's control. Cat blasts the supply closet in which Low Lister is hiding with a bazookoid - and is not so ready to forgive the damage to his shirt's neckline:Kryten: I'd better remove the spinal implant and destroy it once and for all.
Cat: [picking up the remote control] Uh, uh, wait a minute. Just gimme one week. That's all I ask.
Lister: What are you talking about? [Cat activates the remote control, making Lister punch himself in the jaw three times]
Cat: [to Rimmer] Boy, this is gonna be fun! [he and Rimmer grin]
Back To Reality
- Kryten, Lister and Cat are dosed with a despair-inducing toxin while inside a "seeding ship" at the bottom of an ocean while Rimmer remained aboard Starbug:Rimmer: [There's something large] Directly above you, about 2000 fathoms and diving.
Lister: Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?
Rimmer: I was lying. It's only 1000 fathoms.
- The effects of the toxin manifest quite suddenly:Kryten: Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never encountered before attacked this ship. Its defence mechanism is a curious one. It secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic, which dysfunctions its prey by inducing despair. That's why the crew-members, and even that fish, committed suicide. Unfortunately, we have become contaminated. It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find that we do experience [Sudden sobbing] moments [Recovers; back to normal] of despair and anguish.
Rimmer: What about Lister and the Cat?
Lister: I'm okay; I don't seem to have been affected. [Suddenly snivelling] It's true, I don't think anyone's ever truly loved me in my entire life, but there's nothing new about that.
The Cat: What's gotten into you guys? This is like Saturday night at the Wailing Wall! Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? [Weeping] Without me, you guys would just fall apart!
- The boys waking up:Rimmer: I'm not a hologram!
Kryten: I'm half-human!
The Cat: And what the hell happened to my teeth?! I can open beer bottles with my overbite!
- When we first see the crew out of the hallucination, during the 'car chase'.
- The Cat's alter ego Duane Dibbley. Any time. Every time. In this episode, he is so shocked that he does nothing but say "Duane Dibbley?" at intervals for five or ten minutes.
- When the nurse reveals Duane Dibbley's name. Nobody knows who that is, then the camera cuts to the Cat's face as it sinks in.
- Rimmer's hair.
- Kryten learns he is a cyborg detective, working for the police department's Cybernautic Division and his real name is Jake Bullet.Kryten: "Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective". I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority! And if those pen-pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid-digit! (extends his mid-digit) And swivel. Swivel 'til they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon!Rimmer: On the other hand, "Mr Bullet", perhaps the Cybernautic Division is in charge of traffic control. And you just happen to have a rather silly macho name.
- And indeed, when they meet the government agent, Kryten tries pulling rank and is told he is part of traffic control.
- The fact that the evil fascist government have posters advertising themselves.Lister: "Vote Fascist for another glorious decade of total law enforcement"?Kryten: "Be a government informer, betray your family and friends, fabulous prizes to be won"?
- "Why would a haddock want to kill itself? ... Why am I even asking that question?"
- Lister assesses Starbug's chance of defending themselves against the Squid:Lister: [The venom] penetrated the hull of a Class-C Seeding ship. In comparison we're a sardine tin.
Lister: It's either gonna kill us, hump us or eat us. Now either we convince it we're not that kind of oceanic salvage ship or scarper pronto.
- Working out the squid's likely motivation:
The Cat: To be diddled by a giant squid on the first date? Think how we'd feel in the morning!
- An amnesiac Lister hears about Rimmer from Kryten.Lister: Rimmer? He's my best mate, isn't he?Kryten: Sir, you are sick!
- We finally get to see that Rimmer does in fact have some small supply of charisma. Which is concentrated entirely within his right pinkie finger.Lister: Oh, that Rimmer.
- After everyone's woken up, Rimmer decides to bring everyone up to speed:Rimmer: Now, gentlemen, as we are all aware, we have lost Red Dwarf. Now, this is not the time for small-minded, petty recrimination. The time for that is when we get back to Earth and Lister is court-martialled.
- The initial reason the crew lost the Dwarf? Lister forgot where he parked it.Lister: They're all the same, those blue-green planetoids! Blue, green and planetoid-y!
- The Cat raises an important flaw with the theory of someone stealing Red Dwarf:Cat: Who'd steal a gigantic red trash can with no brakes and three-million years on the clock?
- Kryten's immediate rebuttal is just as hilarious, especially when you recall that everything he brings up actually has harassed the Dwarfers at least once! The funny faces he makes whilst going through his list are the icing on the cake.Kryten: Rogue droids, genetically engineered lifeforms, figments of Mr. Lister's imagination made solid by some weird space ray...
- Rimmers attempt to quote the Space Corps Directives:Rimmer: Kryten, you're forgetting about Space Corps Directive 1742.
Kryten: 1742? 'No member of the Corps should ever report for duty in a ginger toupee'? Well, thank you for reminding me about that regulation, sir, but I- I cant see how it is pertinent to our present situation.
Rimmer: 1743, then!
Kryten: Oh, I see. 'No registered vessel should attempt to transverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.'
Rimmer: Yes! God, hes pedantic!
- The gory writing on the floor leads to some discussion:Kryten: The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: Who would do that?
Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.
The Cat: What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.
- Kryten pointing out how much trouble the crew is in after the Cat nearly falls for the Psiren's first ploy of being a clan of buxom women in desperate need of male genes:The Cat: You heard 'em. They need seed spreaders. I'm gonna apply. You guys go deal with the Psiren thing, Ill deal with this.
(beat, as the Cat walks out of the room, then walks back in)
The Cat: Call me paranoid, but you don't think they were them Psiren dude things, do you?
(the others nod at him)
The Cat: Even the brunette?
(the others nod again)
The Cat: If anyone needs me, I'll be taking a cold shower in liquid oxygen.
Rimmer: Well, if that's the best they can throw at us, we're hardly in danger of being bewitched.
Kryten: If I may, sir, that was merely the level of sophistication required to lure the Cat. And it worked. Had we not been here to stop him, he would now be on one of those asteroids, crawling around without a brain, trying to write "Oh, boy was I suckered!" with his own intestinal tract.
- After Kryten is proven right about the illusion of a giant flaming meteor:Kryten: Ah... smug mode. Well, I can't stand around here saving your necks all day, I guess I'll get started on that ironing!
- From the extended version, another misquoted Space Corps Directive:Rimmer: [There are two Listers, one outside Starbug's airlock, one inside, each insisting the other is a Psiren] What are we gonna do?
Kryten: We cant tell which is which. We've got to let [outside Lister] in.
Rimmer: Then we'll definitely have a Psiren on board, a brain-sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper!
Kryten: There's a 50% chance weve already got one on board. We can't risk killing Mr Lister. Weve got to let him in.
Rimmer: [extended part starts here] Kryten, what about Space Corps Directive 5796?
Kryten: 5796? 'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples'? Pardon me, sir, but how does that possibly pertain to our present situation?
Rimmer: 5797, then.
Kryten: To hell with the regs, sir! Im letting him in. [presses the door release as in the main version]
Rimmer: On your square head be it. [extension ends]
- The crew need to determine which Lister is the real one and which is the Psiren. It takes a few attempts to get a foolproof test:First Lister: Look, how many times? He's the Psiren, and I'm me.
Second Lister: How can you believe this!? He doesn't even look like me! He's podgy! [the first Lister looks at his abdomen self-consciously] He hasn't got me classic profile. [runs his finger down the front of his face]
Kryten: You're both identical.
Listers: [in unison] No way.
Kryten: We're gonna try some tests. [the Cat points his bazookoid back and forth between the two Listers as Kryten picks up two apples and lobs them toward the Listers; they catch them in their right hands]
Rimmer: Both right-handed! Correct! Kryten? [Kryten sets down two pairs of scissors] Now then, gentlemen: trim your toenails! [both Listers ignore the scissors, pull their feet up to their faces, and start chewing their toenails] ENOUGH! [grimaces and turns away; Kryten hands the first Lister his electric guitar] Play the guitar.
Second Lister: What, here? Inside?
Rimmer: Play it...
[as the second Lister watches, the first Lister plays a rocking guitar solo; Kryten and the Cat nod to each other and empty their weapons into the first Lister, revealing him to be a Psiren]
Lister: How did you know that wasn't me?
Cat: 'Cause that dude could play!
Lister: He was no better than me!
Kryten: That's the way you believe you can play, sir. That's why, when the Psiren read your mind, he shared your delusion that you are not a ten-thumbed, tone-deaf, talentless noise polluter!
Lister: [offended] Are you seriously sayin' you think he was better than me!? [picks up the guitar and strums it clumsily and tunelessly] See, what's the difference?
Cat: A little survival tip, bud: never play your guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun. [cocks his bazookoid]
- Kryten's reaction to being made to climb inside the garbage disposal and crush himself by a psiren:Kryten: I'm almost annoyed!
- The beginning of the episode has Rimmer and Kryten going over the dire food situation:Kryten: We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. Worst of all, the only liquorice allsorts left are those little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply.Rimmer: So what's that under the grill?Kryten: Space weevil.
Lister: Kryten, what's this?Kryten: Sir?Lister: (picks up an artistically styled slice of carrot) Raw carrot? Kryten, you know how I feel about fresh vegetables. They're for health psychos! Vitamin freaks! People who exercise!Kryten: Im sorry, sir.(Lister then begins eating the space weevil without hesitation)
- You cant serve space weevil, Kryten. I mean, not even Lister with his single remaining taste bud will knowingly sit down and eat insectoid vermin. Well, lets face it, with him, its practically cannibalism.
- How Kryten manages to trick Lister into eating the space weevil:
- This exchange during the changeover just after the Cat complains about Listers lack of cleanliness in the cockpit:Cat: What the hell is all this down the back of my chair?! Peanuts?!?
Lister: No, Ive been trimming my verrucas.
Cat: ...You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush!
Lister: [amused] You really think Im psychotically disgusting, dont ya? Theyre peanuts, okay?
Cat: [cheerfully] Real peanuts?
Cat: Whered you get em? [pops a peanut in his mouth]
Lister: Derelict a couple o months back. Found em in the captains old donkey jacket.
(Cat looks alarmed and turns to Lister)
Lister: Dont look at me like that. You enjoyed that mint imperial, didnt ya?
Cat: Whered you get that?
Lister: He was suckin that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack.
Cat: Eheh, you think Ill buy anything you say, dont ya? Well, wrong, buddy! Now get outta here. I gotta keep my eyes skinned for that asteroid shaped like a dancing moose you told me about yesterday.
- That lightbulb gag: along with the "Polymorph" boxer shorts scene, it's Red Dwarf's equivalent of Del Boy falling through the bar. Even a Dalek appreciated it!Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
- On the ship being seized, Rimmer takes charge:Rimmer: This is acting senior officer Arnold J. Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cuz it's only coming once: We surrender totally and without condition, thank you for listening. O, additional: Sorry for taking up your valuable time. Sorry! Thank you, sorry, bye, bye, sorry, thank you, bye.Lister: Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels.
- This exchange:Rimmer: May I remind you all of Space Corps Directive 34124?
Kryten: 34124: No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.
Rimmer: Damn you both, all the way to Hades! I want to go to blue alert!
- Upon meeting the crew for the first time, Legion pulls out Rimmer's light bee, pulls several spools of wire out of it, and replaces them with a microchip, converting Rimmer from a "soft light" hologram to a "hard light" hologram.note Kryten anticipates his thoughts swiftly turning to Rachel, his blow-up doll:Rimmer: [as he re-activates after the conversion] You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've just done, m'laddie-o.
Legion: Forgive me. I merely converted your projection unit from soft light to hard light.
Rimmer: Hard light? [Lister prods Rimmer's abdomen - and his hand doesn't go straight through, as it did in "The End"] I've got a body?? I can touch?? [puts his hand on Lister's shoulder; even Lister looks happy for Rimmer] Feel?
Kryten: Uh, puncture repair kit on standby, sir.
- Rimmer expresses his admiration for an objet d'art in Legion's ship, and asks what he calls it. Legion responds, "The light switch."Rimmer: ... I couldn't buy it, then.
Legion: Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off.
- Rimmer's speech to Legion about joining them, helped by his sincere attitude. Not to mention the fact that he makes it with food splattered all over him.Rimmer: Legion, let me be frank. In all our travels we have encountered thirty-one individuals.note Three, one. And we have never felt moved to invite any of them to join us. True, most of them wanted to suck out our brains, or erase us from history altogether, but nevertheless, we just felt they never had what we would consider the right stuff.
- "Did you truly believe I would be deceived by that schlock plan from Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls?"
- Legion forcing the gang to comply, on the grounds that any pain he suffers, they suffer, so...Legion: The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up here.Kryten: That kind of tough talk doesn't scare us!Lister, Rimmer and The Cat: YES IT DOES!
- At the end of the episode, Kryten defeats Legion by violently knocking out Lister and Cat and getting Rimmer to deactivate himself (since his new hard-light form makes him impossible for Kryten to knock out, although not for lack of trying, which is hilarious in itself). The REAL funny part comes when Kryten explains to Legion, now reduced to a perfect copy of himself, that he's defeated because Kryten cannot harm the crew and therefore neither can Legion. The Refuge in Audacity is staggering. Kryten trying to get Rimmer alone is ridiculous enough:Rimmer: (backing away as Kryten advances towards him) Kryten, there has to be a more effective escape plan than this.
Kryten: Sir, come here, you're just delaying the inevitable.
Rimmer: I can't help it, I'm allergic to being hit!
Kryten: You won't feel a thing, sir. I'm going to render you unconscious using the Ionian Nerve Grip.
(Rimmer allows Kryten to approach, and closes his eyes. Kryten then smashed a vase over his head.)
Rimmer: That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip, that's smashing me over the head with a vase!
Kryten: There's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip. Now stand still while I hit you.
Gunmen Of The Apocalypse
- Lister as a Vindaloovian, with googly eyes on his chin. Taken Up to Eleven with an old Red Dwarf roleplaying game, which reveals in one alternate universe, the Vindaloovian Empire actually exists, and they all match their, uh, "depiction" here."I am Tarka Dhall..."
- Rimmer facing the Simulant Captain:Rimmer: Ive no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo, we surrender. [stands ostentatiously to attention] And as prisoners of war, I invoke the All-Nations Agreement, article number 39436175880932/B.
Kryten: "39436175880932/B"? 'All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car parking space'? Is that entirely relevant, sir? I mean, here we are in - in mortal danger, and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars!
Rimmer: Cant you let just one go? I was talking about the right of POWs to non-violent constraint.
Kryten: But that's '75-double-8-0932/C, sir.
Rimmer: It's embarrassing as much as anything else. Here you are, totally humiliating me in front of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac! [placating gesture to the Simulant captain] No offence.
- Faced with no options for fighting the Simulants, the Cat suggests attacking, because it's "the last thing they'd expect".Rimmer: No, the last thing they'd expect is for us to turn into ice-skating moongooses and dance the bolero. And your plan makes as much sense.
- Rimmer, Lister and Cat enter the AR Western saloon, and go to order drinks.Rimmer: I've seen Westerns. I know how to speak cowboy. Leave the talking to me.(swaggers up to the bar)Rimmer: Dry white wine and a Perrier, please. And what about you two chaps?Lister: Rimmer, what Westerns have you seen? "Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid"?
- Rimmer is served a whiskey, and, inevitably, Can't Hold His Liquor; he is immediately sick into another cowboy's hat. The cowboy is livid; Rimmer is uncharacteristically unconcerned:McGee: A man beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee, he's either mighty brave or mighty stupid. Which're you, boy?
Rimmer: Sorry, what were the choices again?
Lister: You'll have to forgive our friend, he's a couple of gunmen short of a posse. (hands McGee some money) Here.
McGee: That pays for the hat. Now what about the insult?
Rimmer: Okay, you're a fat, bearded git with breath that could knock out a grizzly.
Lister: (hands McGee the rest of the money in a panic) Take the lot, man!
Polymorph II: Emohawk
- Rimmer quotes another Space Corp Directive, but there's a problem:Kryten: 68250? But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi!
Rimmer: Forget it, forget I was ever born!
Kryten: Sir, I am only too happy to perform the ritual, but I fail to see how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen problem.
- After Starbug takes a hit:Rimmer: Damage report?
The Cat: Its bad, bud! Looks like Starbugs been hit!
Rimmer: Details, halibut breath!
The Cat: According to the Damage Report Machine, there are lots of small fires in the cockpit, lots of smoke, and the navicomps fizzing. (BANG) ...Oh damn! Now the Damage Report Machines exploded!
- On being confronted by the justice 'bot and accused of plundering, Lister pleads their case:Lister: But we don't loot Space Corps derelicts! We just hack our way in and swipe what we need!
Rimmer: ... Lister, if this goes to trial, I demand separate lawyers.
- After the crash, Rimmer notes that most of the cargo and stock has been destroyed, leading to this:
- The GELFs, who look like Wookiees on a BBC TV budget, agree to give the Red Dwarf crew the oxygen generator they need to get back into space, but at a price: Lister's hand in marriage to the chief's daughter.
- Lister is reluctant. Rimmer, true to form, is unconcerned:Lister: [as the chief's daughter bats her eyelids at him] That's his daughter!?
Kryten: One of three. Apparently, sir, she's the looker. [Lister's intended coyly brushes a strand of hair from her face]
Lister: Tell him, not if she was the last water yeti lookalike in the world and I was the only boy.
Rimmer: Come on, Lister, you've dated worse!
Lister: [nods in reluctant agreement] Only due to very poor disco lighting!
- But the chief is adamant: no wedding, no oxygen generator.Kryten: He's giving us five hanaka to decide.
Rimmer: How long's a hanaka?
Kryten: Curiously enough, it's exactly the same as one Earth minute.
Cat: Five hanaka? That only gives us twenty-eight hours!
- The wedding goes ahead, to Lister's horror:Lister: What's he saying?
Kryten: Er... you may kiss the bride, sir.
Lister: [looks at his bride] What, without a bag?!
[the chief's daughter grabs Lister and kisses him passionately; Kryten throws a handful of flower petals over them. The new Mrs. Lister tosses her bouquet, which is caught by Rimmer; an even more hideous female GELF waves at him coquettishly, causing him to shake his head in terror and stuff the bouquet into the Cat's hands]
- Faced with having to consummate his marriage, Lister beats a hasty retreat:Lister: I'm just gonna go and slip into something more comfortable. It's called Starbug. [he leaves the room, then belts out of the village and catches up with the other three] CHANGE OF PLAN! LEEEEEG IIIIIIIT!
- Lister is reluctant. Rimmer, true to form, is unconcerned:
- The outraged GELFs send an Emohawk after the runaway groom and his companions; like the polymorph from the eponymous Series III episode, it can change its shape at will and feeds off emotions. Once back aboard Starbug, unaware that the polymorph has taken the shape of Lister's signature hat, they decide immediate takeoff is called for:Rimmer: How long before we can go? We don't really want a visit from Listy's in-laws demanding their wedding present back.
Kryten: It'll take an hour or so to get the oxy-generation unit set up, but I suggest we take off now, sir, and use emergency supplies until the O/G unit's online.
Rimmer: And what if it doesn't work?
Kryten: Then the Cat and Mr Lister will choke to death.
Rimmer: [points at Kryten] A plan with no drawbacks!
- The Emohawk's first victim is the Cat:Cat: It's stolen my cool! It's taken all my style! [emerges above the countertop and feels his teeth] I need a mirror. [opens a cabinet, knocking his head in the process] Oof! Look at me! [continues checking cabinets throughout the next exclamations] I've got no grace! No élan! No poise! [clatter of pans falling from the third cabinet] What's it turned me into?! [picks up one of the fallen pans] Duane Dibbley? DUANE DIBBLEY?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
- The group go looking for the Emohawk, with Lister freaking out and firing at random objects. Kryten tries to defuse this:Kryten: According to the psi-scan, it's somewhere in this location.
Lister: IT'S THE BARREL! [fires a round from his bazookoid] ... Sorry. False alarm. [sighs, then tenses again] That chain. It's moving! [fires another round from his bazookoid] ... Sorry... sorry...
Kryten: Sir, try and remain calm - you're experiencing a classic knee-jerk paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL!!!! [blasts the wall, then composes himself] Shame overload. I-I-I-I... sorry.
- A couple marvelous moments in the medical bay, Rimmer cheating at his eye tests, Kryten insisting for a moment - after Rimmer claiming hed go for ignorance over distressing news - that everything is absolutely peachy, but what really takes the cake is his reaction to Kryten going on a small tangent about flawed hologram programmes and the possibility of holograms dying: "Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich."
- Rimmer's cheating (which is both blatant and idiotic, since he's doing it on a medical test he volunteered for) also gets a good Kryten snark out.Rimmer: I admit I may have taken a peek. But I'm a competitive man, Kryten. Always have been. Thats what makes me what I am.
Kryten: We're all perfectly aware of what you are, sir.
- Another iteration of the Running Gag of misquoted Space Corps Directive numbers as Lister insists on raiding a derelict ship for supplies after being driven mad by an all-plant diet:Kryten: Sir, can't you see your behaviour is totally irrational?
Rimmer: In which case, we can remove him from duty as per Space Corps Directive 196156.
Kryten: 196156? "Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial"? Hmm. I'm sorry, sir, that doesnt quite get to the nub of the matter for me.
- Before they board the ship, the discussion about whether it's safe for Lister. Rimmer's expressions make it even funnier:Kryten: This foolhardy trip beggars logic.
Rimmer: Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? All right, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float, but he does operate from a position of total logic, and we'd be fools to ignore his sage counsel.
Kryten: At least let me and Mr Rimmer go in your place. We are, after all, merely electronic life-forms and therefore expendable.
Rimmer: And what the smeg would YOU know, bog-bot from hell?!
- On meeting the last simulant left onboard the derelict, the Cat takes the time to stress that he is wearing a completely different outfit from last time. Kryten then takes him aside.Kryten: That was an important speech, sir, and it needed to be made, but might I suggest that from this moment the rest of the discourse is conducted by those with brains larger than a grape.
- After escaping the derelict Simulant ship:Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: Sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
- As Rimmer's escape pod is zooming out of range:Rimmer: That's ridiculous! You've got to find a way of getting me back!
Kryten: Well, we could try to bring you down with a round from a laser cannon, sir.
Cat: Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight!
- The title world is terraformed to be a pastiche of Ancient Rome entirely populated by clones of Rimmer, all of whom dial up his scheming, backstabbing nature Up to Eleven and have imprisoned the original in a dungeon. Even the new ruler's concubines, whose faces the other inhabitants are prohibited from seeing, are Rimmer clones.Lister: [as he, the Cat, and Kryten are surrounded by four clones of Rimmer, dressed like Roman centurions] This might sound like a bit of a corny line but... I can't even bring myself to say it.
Rimmer Clone: Say what?
Lister: [sighs] Take us to your leader.
Kryten: Sir, how could you!?
- The other three crew members are put on trial for not being Rimmer-like in appearance or personality, displaying such horrible traits as charm, bravery, compassion, and honour, with none of the cowardice, pomposity, snidiness, smarm, or simple double-dealing two-facedness Rimmerworld expects. Kryten asks to see "the hologram known as Rimmer"; Chris Barrie's gloriously hammy "I AM HE!!" is hysterical.
- By the time Lister, the Cat, and Kryten find the true original Rimmer in the Rimmerworld dungeon, the Chinese stress balls Kryten gave him at the beginning of the episode, which were originally the size of squash balls, have been ground down to the size of marbles. As he's been in the cell for 557 years, his memories of the other three have faded a bit, and he addresses them as Derek Custer, Kit, and Titan. For the rest of the scene, they address each other by those names.
- Possibly the best subversion of the Zany Scheme ever.Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, use it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'Bug!
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.
[there's a pause, as the studio audience goes wild, and Craig Charles has to wait for them to calm down]
Lister: ... Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter. [and so they do]
- But for the second time in the same episode, Kryten gets the temporal co-ordinates wrong, causing the crew to once again encounter themselves at a different time. Lister and the Cat decide to torment Rimmer with the knowledge of what he will experience on Rimmerworld - only to get a nasty surprise:[alternate Cat, Kryten, and Rimmer are sat round the table playing cards as the regular quartet materialise]
Kryten: Oh, I've done it again! Two anomalies in one day! I must have accidentally tapped into the previous calibration.
Rimmer: [to the alternate Cat, Kryten, and Rimmer] Sorry about that, it's just that we're escaping from Rimmerworld.
Lister: Don't tell them that, they don't want to know the future! [smirks] Poor old Rimmer doesn't want to know he's going to get persecuted for six centuries by a load of his own clones!
Cat: [also smirking] Careful, bud! For a minute there I thought you were going to let slip that he spends the next 557 years locked in a dungeon!
Alternate Rimmer: Rimmerworld?
Lister: [still smirking] I'm saying nothing man, don't want to spoil the surprise.
Alternate Rimmer: Rimmerworld was weeks ago! We're far more concerned at the moment about the quite hideous thing that's happened to Lister.
Cat: [Alternate Lister's absence sinks in] He's right bud, where are you?
Lister: [suddenly worried] Yeah, where am I? I wanna know! [too late; they de-materialise again]
Out Of Time
- Rimmer appointing himself Morale Officer:Rimmer: As its week one, why dont I start? You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an ice pick? Everything, thats what! Especially his god-awful chirpy, gerbil-faced optimism. And as for the Cat, what an unbelievable git! And Kryten, if he doesnt change, pronto, I swear Ill attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like a Cajun catfish! Well, I think thats cleared the air! I dont know about you, but I certainly feel better, and thank you for your contributions, gentlemen. See you at next weeks morale meeting. Marvelous!
- Starbug emerges from the first unreality pocket, in which the crew were led to believe Lister was an android (and Kryten had been talking down to him because he was a "lower model"):Rimmer: So we just crashed through an unreality pocket?
Kryten: Which created a false reality, making us believe... Mr... Lister... was... oh my.
Cat: You mean he's not a...
Lister: Tea up, sirs.
Kryten: (realizing he made a dreadful mistake) Sir I -
Lister: (walks in with a cover over the tea set, then removes it to reveal a model of a house with ...) What chu think of the picket fence?
- Someone else tell him. Ive got gussets to scrub.
- The crew hit another unreality pocket that makes Starbug vanish around them and just has their four chairs zooming through space. When that one clears, as they panic:Lister: Look. All we've got to do is KEEP OUR HEADS.
(Starbug hits another unreality pocket and all the crew's heads are changed to giant animal heads)
- Lister attempts to explain exactly how they survived the end of the last season. The camera explodes from his god-awful and confusing grammar.Lister: We were no match. They killed us. And destroyed everything on board ship, including the time drive. Which meant there was no time drive for them to have in the future to bring back into the past to destroy the future of their past selves in the present. Put simply, by killing us, they killed themselves, because once we were dead, it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present. [nods proudly, then frowns and looks at the camera, which has started buzzing; it finally explodes] Oh, smeg!...
Kryten: Have you been trying to explain about our future selves again, sir?
Lister: I just thought I'd give it one more go!
Kryten: That's the third camera this week!
- The episode's plot is set in motion by the annihilation of the ship's complete Indian food supply. Lister is devastated, Cat and Rimmer... less so.Lister: [entering the cockpit with Kryten] You know the news? All the curry supplies have been destroyed.
Cat, Rimmer: [pointing to their black armbands] We heard.
Rimmer: As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12:00, we could have a minute's flatulence. [Cat snickers]
- To get Kryten to agree to a trip back in time to get five hundred curries, Lister installs one of his spare heads and removes the guilt chip. Unfortunately for all involved, this involves a massive personality change, which becomes evident immediately when he uses a groin attachment to stir the other crew members' tea, then pulls out a cigarette, leading to a series of Comically Missing the Point lines:Cat: You're smoking!
Kryten: [takes the cigarette out of his mouth] Oh, is my generator overheating again?
Rimmer: A cigarette!
Kryten: Do you want one?
Rimmer: Of course I don't want one!
Kryten: D'you want me to go outside?
- After they accidentally pull Lee Harvey Oswald out of the fifth-floor Texas Book Depository window:Lister: 'Ey, what's going on down there? What are all those people doing gathered round that... giant pizza?
Kryten: That is not a giant pizza, sir.
Lister: It's eight foot across, man. You don't think that's giant? What kind of pizza house have you been going to, the Fat-Bastard-o-ria?
- After learning about the damage he's done, Lister asks an important question:Lister: Kryten, what have I done?Spare Head 2: Well, sir, you've brought the human race to the very brink of extinction. Gum?
- Rimmer attempting to figure out why the timedrive isn't working.Rimmer: Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?
Kryten: No, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.
- This episode brings the best solution to the Kennedy Assassination ever.Lister: Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll.
Kennedy: You mean, assassinate myself?
Lister: It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it out.
- The ending of the normal film is brilliant Black Comedy, where, after all's said and done, Lister complains he still doesn't know where to find a curryhouse in Dallas. Cue the others promptly dragging Lister behind a fence and delivering a grand old curbstomping — even Kryten, currently disguised as a police officer, starts belting Lister over the head with his truncheon!
- If you're lucky enough to see the Extended version of the editing, we have Rimmer punishing Kryten by using him as a voltmeter and sending his eyeballs flying across the room, Lister realizing that he could have just used the timedrive to snatch Red Dwarf's curry supply from before the damage occurred, and Rimmer tricking Lister into jettisoning himself off into space in the rear half of Starbug.
Stoke Me A Clipper
- Ace Rimmer vs Those Wacky Nazis. See the Awesome entry for more details."That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!" [CRUSH]
- Lister's knightly nom-de-guerre? Lister of Smeg. This episode had Brian Cox as a guest star, as the King of Camelot in Lister's simulation. His reaction to the name is quiet confusion.
- Having used cheat codes to turn his jousting opponent's horse into a Shetland pony and automatically unlock the Queen of Camelot's chastity belt, Lister takes her into a tent for some nookie, poking his head out for long enough to ask, "Has anybody got any whipped cream?"
- The simulation ends abruptly as the electrical system on Starbug gets hammered:[the tent suddenly disappears, and Lister, now dressed only in a nightshirt, falls to the ground; Kryten is likewise minus his costume]
Lister: 'Ey! What's happenin'!?
Kryten: Power failure, sir. Electrics are going down.
[cut to the AR suite, where we see Lister has an attachment over his groin; klaxons are going off and lights are flashing]
Lister: [as he clambers out of the machine] The red, green, and blue alert signs are flashing! What the smeg does that mean?
Kryten: Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco! [they exit the AR suite in a hurry. Cut to an exterior shot of Starbug caught in a cheap special effect, then to the cockpit, where fires have broken out on multiple panels; Rimmer is blasting as many as he can with a fire extinguisher as the Cat tries to regain control of Starbug]
Cat: I'm locked out! Everything's dead! Steering's gone, thrusters are gone, we're headed straight for that ion storm in Sector 12! [Lister and Kryten arrive]
Rimmer: [with sarcastic nonchalance] Morning!
- Rimmer attempts to be "the cougar running free and unfettered"... and conjures up a hamster on a wheel.
- While the ending of the episode is mostly heartwarming, it goes out on a laugh: The new Ace Rimmer makes his dramatic exit... only to botch his own catch phrase (doing a Title Drop in the process) and then accidentally ejecting himself from his ship.
- Rimmer may only appear in one scene of this episode, but he makes it count. First, he greets Lister (returning from shore leave) in the arrivals area on Red Dwarf with a sign reading "SMEGHEAD". Then there's his conversation with Kochanski:Rimmer: Ah, Miss Kochanski, ma'am! [salutes] I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a new Space Corps salute! [does a full Rimmer salute] It's just that I'm trying to get the support of the officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to pressure you, but it is rather important, because if you like it, that brings the overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.
Rimmer: Yes ma'am!
Kochanski: Have sex with someone, and that's an order.
Rimmer: [same tone of voice] Yes ma'am! Right away ma'am!
Lister: [handing Rimmer a card] Here. Ring this number, say I sent you. Tell them it's an emergency. [Rimmer leaves]
- Lister's reaction to the reappearance of his GELF wife from "Emohawk: Polymorph II".Lister: Oh smeg, it's the missus!
- Kochanski gets the wrong idea when the others explain Lister's marital situation:Kochanski: (points at photograph) He married this?!
Cat: He had to!
Kochanski: You mean...? (mimes a pregnant belly)
- When Lister uses a crossbow to fire a hook attached to a rope to a falling Kochanski, it hits her in the thigh. Cue an incoming call on the trans-dimensional phone:Kryten: [listening; to Lister] It's an obscene phone-call sir. I think it's for you.
- Near the beginning of the episode, Kochanski's improvised earmuffs somewhat resemble a certain famous pair of hair buns. Kryten snarks under his breath:Kryten: Oh, my goodness, it's Princess Leia. Mr Skywalker went that way, ma'am.
- Kochanski objects to the men's method of keeping house. Just not for the reason you'd think.Kochanski: Look at this! Women would never have fridges like this! (she reaches into the fridge and removes something: a pair of shoes.) Chilled trainers! It just wouldn't happen!
- Kochanski laments that the fourth most popular pastime on Starbug is watching her knickers spin dry. Kryten assures her that Lister and the Cat are not so hormonal as to stoop to that, and Kochanski retorts that it's only because they don't know when he washes them; if they did, they'd be camped out in the laundry room. Sure enough...Cat: [grinning ear to ear] Wow. This is the best load yet!
Lister: Just for the record, I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't sleep. So I decided to do some of me laundry and help out Kryten.
Cat: [not buying a word] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lister: I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by women's underwear spin drying.
Cat: [points at the dryer] My God, a G-string!
Lister: [immediately turning to look] Where?
Cat: You missed it. [Lister glares at him] I swear! It was black and really, really small!
Lister: [sighs] I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit 'ere and read me comic. [pulls out a comic book]
- Kryten's Imagine Spot where Lister and Kochanski hook up and they end up kicking him off the ship, with the leaving present of a keyring with a 'C' on it.Kryten: [after the Imagine Spot, to a thoroughly confused Lister and Kochanski] A keyring with a "c" on it, unbelievable! Thank you with a capital "r"(!)
- A jealous Kryten doesn't buy that Lister is over Kochanski:Kochanski: Look, wigstand-head, me and Dave, it's all in the past.
Kryten: In which case, ma'am, why does he look at you the same way a starving man would look at a packet of roasted peanuts?
Kochanski: Well, it's because-
Kryten: It's because, ma'am, he cant wait to get the wrapper off and taste the salty goodness!
- Kochanski getting revenge on Kryten for the day's antics (he was the one who shut off the generator, which would have required the journey through the ducts... if he hadn't secretly kept the doors online) by whacking him repeatedly with the wrench - and having him say the different noises the pipes were making earlier each time she hits him.
- The "Rimmer Song" which is equal parts hilarious (the lyrics) and terrifying (the visuals).
- Just before the song, this exchange:Lister: I feel sick.
Kryten: I'm sorry, sir, it is a bit bumpy.
Lister: No, it's what I'm seeing is what's making me sick.
- Now, it's longer. With an Introduction from Kryten. What could be better?
- "The Rimmer Experience" in general, really.RE!Cat: Say, Rimmer's really a great guy, isn't he?RE!Lister: I owe my life to him!(The two turn to the camera with shit-eating grins.)
- Kochanski beaming with glee through it all.
- Just before the song, this exchange:
- The dream sequence. Craig Charles was demanding he kissed someone. So that's exactly what he got.
- Lister's flashback to the Locker Game with Rimmer. It ends with Rimmer getting a face full of fire.Lister: There's a note. "People who steal from lockers deserve everything they get, you double-crossing slimeball". (looks at Rimmer) Sounds like they know you.
- The ultimate result of the Rimmer Experience:Lister: I never want to see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded smegger in my entire life!Kryten: Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out!
Beyond A Joke
- Kryten stalking Lister and the gang and setting various traps for them in the virtual Pride and Prejudice, before finally just blowing them up. With a tank.Kryten: Perhaps I didn't make myself clear! I said supper is ready!(BOOM)Kryten: Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent!Lister: I didnt know androids got PMT!
- The development of the episode can be considered one, given it was co-written by Kryten's actor Robert Llewellyn, who originally intended it to be a Kryten-light episode to avoid the arduous make-up process... only to end up playing both Kryten and his "brother" Able.
- Kryten's dig at Lister wanting to experience Jane Austen World with Kochanski and the Cat.Kryten: Of course, sir, you're well known for your love on penetrating novels about middle class women. After all, just because you have a shirt advertising the rock band "Colostomy Explosion" doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition.
- Able's process of recalling anything (including his own name) involves such intense concentration that he looks constipated.
- This exchange just before Lister gets jumped by zombie-Carmen:Kochanski: (has just punched Lister out for trying to get her into bed under the misapprehension that zombie-Carmen was her) Thats your idea of seduction is it? Well forget it, Lister. Not if you were the last man alive!
Lister: (still on the floor, holding his nose) I am the last man alive!
Kochanski: I rest my case.
- After Lister gets attacked by the reanimated corpse of Caroline Carmen.Lister: Ive just been molested by Tutankhamun's horny grandma!
- After Lister agrees to having his arm amputated.Kochanski: Okay, let's go! Chop-chop! (immediately realizes what she said) ...Sorry...
- After Kochanski cuts off Lister's right arm:Lister: My left arm! My left arm, I said! That's my right! What kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right??
- This exchange, after Kryten and Kochanski finally deal with the titular virus, but forget the slight fact that they stopped Lister's heart and forgot to revive him:
- Cat doing a brilliant mid-sentence fall and remaining motionless while the above is going on.
- Just after entering the crashed ship, Lister screams in horror... because a piece of ice managed to get down the back of his trouser legs.
- Lister trying to explain why the virus killing him and his eating a chicken aren't the same thing.Lister: I'm a human being. I have certain qualities that elevate me above poultry! I can think. I can play the guitar!The Cat: Better than a chicken? Are you crazy?!
- As Epideme explains he absorbs the knowledge of his victims:Epideme: (To Lister) So as you can imagine, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. Not to be rude, but when you're me there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.
- Lister, Kochanski and Kryten are in sickbay, observing Caroline Carmen's frozen body.Lister: The temperature's been a constant 90 degrees, and yet she's still completely cold and unresponsive.Kryten: But what about Ms Carmen? (silently giggles to himself)Lister: (tries not to crack up) I was talking about Ms Carmen.
- The entire sequence where Lister tries wearing a mechanical arm, only to have his subconscious constantly use it to try and beat up Kryten.
- Cat trying to make Lister feel better by comparing him to a three-legged pitbull terrier while playing draughts. Lister keeps asking him to make his move and he misinterprets Lister's shouting of "Move!" as a rejection.
- After finding the nanites, they do restore Lister's arm... then they go too far. When the others come in to see Lister, the nanites have made his body super, super buff.
- Anytime Rimmer doses himself with the Sexual Magnetism Virus. Cue the porn guitar!
- Lister annoying the absolute hell out of Rimmer for a bet in the opening scene, by telling him that he'd previously hooked up with Yvonne McGruder. What really sells it is Rimmer getting visibly more angry by the second.Lister: Broke up in the end. Really hurt me... still got the scars today. (pause) They never heal, carpet burns, do they?Rimmer: (shudders with barely-contained rage)Lister: (smiles and leans in) BOTH CHEEKS, MAN! She nearly wore them down to the bone! (leans back in his chair and humps air, making lewd squeaking noises)Rimmer: (with all the fury of a volcano erupting) WILL YOU SHUT UP?!Lister: WHAT'D I TELL YA?! Twenty big ones!
- Starbug accidentally flying into a giant rat, briefly getting stuck and carrying it with them. Then Holly deadpanning: "Hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're rat-arsed."
Kryten: We're on Red Alert!Cat: Never mind Red Alert, we're all the way up to Brown Alert!Kryten: There's no such thing as Brown Alert, sir.Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute!! And don't say I didn't alert you!
- Just before that:
- We find out how Hollister got his commission:Capt. Hollister: I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the ship's confidential files, and is using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know, I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew find out I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut boy, I'm finished.
- Rimmer's extra-special salute. It takes about a minute to complete.
- Lister, Cat, Kochanski and Kryten disguise themselves as the Dibbley family using mop-heads and false teeth. And then top it off by parodying Reservoir Dogs.
- How the Dwarfers bribe the new Rimmer to come along with him: A console with as many as five whole buttons at his command. The Cat points out how Rimmer would have to be completely stupid to go along with the idea.Rimmer: Five buttons, you say?
- The Cat's commentary on bringing Rimmer along is good too.Cat: Him, come with us?! That's so dumb, I should have said it!
- And when he agrees to come:Cat: He's in? Great! I'll break open the bottle of cyanide!
- The Cat's commentary on bringing Rimmer along is good too.
- "A-one! A-two! A-onetwothreefour!" "You are the sunshine of my liiiiife..."
- Just after being "volunteered" Ackerman tells a reluctant Rimmer to man up.Rimmer: A man! (to himself) A man? If you just remind me, I'm sure it will all come back.(Knot looms over Rimmer, and grabs his groin. There's a loud crunching noise)
- Kill Crazy psyching himself up for the mission only to knock himself unconscious charging out of the diving bell.
- Rimmer finally gets into bed with Kochanski, knowing he dies by Lister harpooning him for this. Right as Lister walks through the door with a harpoon gun.Rimmer: This must be the night they set the clocks forward!
- This exchange when they firsy meet CassandraCassandra All Canaries will be dead in one hour, except for Rimmer...Rimmer: YES!!Cassandra: ...Who will be dead in 20 minutes.Rimmer: <cue epic Oh, Crap! expression>
- Rimmer bemoans his fate:Rimmer: A career, fortune, friends. I had everything and I threw it all away.Lister: Rimmer, you had none of them.Rimmer: You're right. I had nothing and I threw it all away.
- Any time Rimmer shrieks, screams, or growls "THE APPEAL".
- In the prison theatre, the innmates are forced to watch such wonders as "Attack of the Giant, Savage, Completely Invisible Aliens!". After a few seconds glimpse of the trailer, it cuts to the Dwarfers watching and looking disgusted.The Cat: Why do [the prison staff] always show us these lousy B-movies?Rimmer: To sap our morale. Next week is the George Formby season. (In an imitation of Formby) Git yer hanging rope now while there's still some left! Hey-hey!
- Ackerman's rant at the prisoners when his glass eye is stolen.Ackerman: I have a date with Ms Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night. She thinks my eyes are my loveliest feature. If I go like this... I'M ONLY HALF-LOVELY!!
- Lister and Rimmer spiking the guard's drinks halfway through a rigged basketball game."Seven HOURS!"
- The delayed fight, where Rimmer and Lister feel the effects of getting beaten up much later, while in the Captain's Office. The flying leaps make for some good physical comedy, even if Series 8 is unpopular.
- Lister trying to contact Bob the Skutter for help, via tapping out a message on the old pipes. A long back and forth ensues, then...Lister: Damn!Rimmer: What, can't he help us?Lister: Naw, wrong number. Got the Chinese laundry.
- Lister and Rimmer trying to get out of two weeks spud duty with a virus designed to take the skins off. It works... and then starts on Rimmer's clothing, followed by his hair. Then it goes for Lister. Cut to a butt-naked and completely hairless Lister and Rimmer being marched to the captain's office. At the end of the subsequent scene, where Captain Hollister threatens to throw them in The Hole the next time they screw up, Rimmer inexplicably shakes Hollister's hand on his way out.Capt. Hollister: (with his hair already starting to fall out) TWO MONTHS! IN THE HOLE!
- Sir, what about me athletes hand?
- Lister and Rimmer are introduced to a mad fellow prisoner holding a sparrow:Prisoner: They call me...Birdman.
- The Cat's response to seeing a giant T-Rex in front of them.Cat: There's an old Cat saying which I feel has particular relevance. It goes like this: "We are all gonna die."
- This exchange:Lister: Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
Holly: What do you want, the long or the short version?
Lister: Oh. Long.
Holly: You're finished.
Cat: ...What's the short version?
- Kochanski asks Kryten if he can figure out when the T-Rex will expel the Time Wand:Kryten: Sorry, Miss Kochanski, but for some reason when my creators were making me, T-rex bowel movement time-tables just didn't come up. Imbeciles!
- Lister sets a trap for Pete the T-rex with a giant vindaloo made from a whole cow as the bait. Rimmer is sceptical:Rimmer: T. Rexes don't like curry.Lister: They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries! If a T. Rex was a bloke, he'd be a Geordie - the kind of guy who wears T-shirts in winter and his nipples don't even get hard.Rimmer: A seven-ton theropod is not gonna eat Indian food. They like flesh, preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side order of intestines and an extra portion of blood. A bit like the French in that respect.
- The entire scene of Hollister recounting the aftermath of "cow vindaloo"."A tidal wave! Fifteen feet high! I will be in therapy for the rest of my life!"
- The Trauma Conga Line Lister and Rimmer inadvertently subject Captain Hollister to throughout the episode, culminating in a Heroic BSoD rendering him mute. But the best bit is when the Dwarfers think they're being sent to solitary confinement again.Hollister (using cue cards): Where the hell are you going?
Rimmer: The hole, sir.
Hollister: You're not going to the hole, I am. (Smiles) See you in twelve months!
Only The Good
- Lister and Rimmer's drunk scene.Lister: Drunk, sir? No. Not us.Ackerman: Okay. Who fancies a kebab?Lister & Rimmer: Aw yeah!(Rimmer promptly falls over on his face)
- The fact that it only takes one sip of the moonshine to get them both too smashed to even stand.
- Rimmer kneeing Death in a sensitive area.
- "Have a Fantastic Period!"
- Rimmer stealing a chocolate bar from a dispensing machine and his desperate attempt to silence it.Rimmer: (after leaving Captain Hollister's quarters) Me, not "make it"? What does he know, the big stupid yellow idiot. (stops at a dispensing machine) He doesn't see my good side. My guile. My weasel cunning. When the going gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places. (inserts a rigged card on a string into the dispensing machine) He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does. (punches his order in, retrieves his chocolate bar, and chuckles) Me, an imbecile. (pulls his rigged card out of the slot)Dispensing Machine: (lights flashing) ALERT! ALERT! A choccy-nut bar... a choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment! (Rimmer puts his hand on the speaker) A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment! ALERT! ALERT!Rimmer: Shut up!Dispensing Machine: No, I shan't! ALERT! ALERT!Rimmer: If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll drown.Dispensing Machine: Take your hand off me speaker then.Rimmer: Promise to shut up?Dispensing Machine: Promise. (Rimmer takes his hand off the speaker and the Dispensing Machine laughs manically) I had me circuits crossed! (Rimmer begins stuffing papers into the speaker) ALERT! ALERT! Chocolate abduction on Floor 3-4-1! ALERT! Ooh, I say, you will... you will not get away with this! I may not be able to see you, but I know your taste in confectionery! And I also... I also know... I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that is all I know, just your taste in confectionery. But no matter, because one day, I'll hear your voice again, and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are!Rimmer: I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine! (Unbeknownst to him, Captain Hollister approaches from behind) What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my bed? "Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!"Captain Hollister: Rimmer! (Rimmer practically jumps out of his skin) You forgot your tray. (hands Rimmer said tray)Rimmer: Thank you, sir.Dispensing Machine: He stole some chocolate! He stole- (Rimmer hurriedly puts his hand over the speaker)Captain Hollister: (He is about to speak to Rimmer, but instead waves him off and walks back towards his quarters)Dispensing Machine: (to Rimmer) You are my nemesis! One day, our paths will cross again, and I... I will destroy you!Rimmer: And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.
- The ludicrously over-the-top Enhance Button scene in Part 2. After getting a photo of their actors they spot a business card for one of the crew, but need the address on the other side. Cue an extremely long and complicated scene of Rimmer using the H on his head, then a droplet on a lamp post and lastly reflection of a glass door, filled with zooms, enhances, rotations and flops to finally get the address of the owner of Nose World. Only for Kryten to say...Kryten: Sir, wouldn't it have been easier to look him up in the phone book?
- The opening act features Lister watching a pig race. What makes this scene particularly funny is the way Lister says the following after the pig he bet on loses;Lister: Ya lazy fat pig!
- The entire moose Running Gag.
- Cat finds a book of random trivia that Lister was reading.Lister: Did you know, in the 1970s, in Sweden, twenty percent of all traffic accidents involved a moose?
Cat: A moose? Well, if they're stupid enough to let 'em drive, what the hell do they expect?
Lister: No ... the moose aren't driving...
Cat: You just said they were.
Lister: No, they're not driving, they're just causing the accidents.
Cat: You mean they're in the back, fooling around, distracting the driver? That's insane! Why're they giving them a lift in the first place? Let 'em walk, they've got legs!
Lister: No! The moose aren't in the car, with their antlers out the sun roof! They're on the roads, moosing around, crossing roads, and causing accidents.
Cat: You mean they're not looking left and right?
Cat: Not using the pedestrian crossing? Not paying attention to whether it's the little red man or the little green man? Of course they're not, they're mooses! Sheesh! These Swedes, they expect too much.
- Later, while preparing for an exam, Rimmer reads out a lateral thinking problem: "It's 1971. A Swedish man drives into a tree. What causes the accident? Nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car." Lister immediately starts playing up what a hard question that is: "I bet you gotta be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right." He then guesses a moose. Rimmer scoffs at it, only to be shocked when he looks at the answers. He then reads it to Kryten, who gets it right (despite not being involved in the first conversation, but had glanced at the trivia book), and then to Cat, who gets it right before he even finishes the question. "The moose is in the road, by the way, not in the car driving." Rimmer's reactions each time are priceless.
- Cat finds a book of random trivia that Lister was reading.
- Kryten's tirade upon being left on hold, and Lister's own tantrum when he faces a dilemma between answering the customer service complaint call or not getting shot to death: "THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE STIR-MASTER ANYMORE, KRYTEN!"
- All of the resentment attacks.
- Rimmer confessing that he lied to his dying brother.Arnold: Howard, I too have a confession. You know when I told you I was an officer in the space corps, this is my ship, I've been married three times and I've got two Lamborghini's Sesto Elementos?
Arnold: It was a lie... I've only got one (watches Howard die, turns to Kryten) I feel so much better now.
- "Turning right NOW, ma'am!"Cat, Kryten, Lister and Rimmer all lean right.
- Whilst introducing "his crew" to Howard, Rimmer reaches Kryten:Rimmer: When we found Kryten he was a burnt out wreck on a junk heap.Howard: And you rebuilt him? Gave him something to live for?Rimmer: No, we just hosed him down and gave him a hat.Kryten looks extremely put out.
- The Cat's reaction to finding the crashed Rimmer is to draw on his face.Cat: Can you tell who it is yet?Lister: Aw, you can't do this, it's immoral, it's... it's... Salvador Dali, my god!
- It's then revealed that Rimmer was out for three hours. "It took longer than we thought to rub off all the felt-tip."
- In the middle of Kryten explaining to Rimmer on why his hard drive crashed:Kryten: The average human has over three-thousand thoughts a day.Lister: [Points at Cat] He only has three.
- After losing the opportunity to buy a Stir Master, Lister turns Crawford into one.
Fathers and Suns
- Lister using a combination of the new computer's predictive abilities and alcohol-induced amnesia to have a The Tape Knew You Would Say That-style conversation with himself as a father and son.
- Lister's amusing Father's Day ritual in which he writes himself a card a year in advance, gets completely blotto so he can't remember what he wrote in it, then gets Kryten to take it and deliver it back to him a year later.
- "Kryten, as the highest-ranking Officer of this ship, I order you to give the new computer 36D breasts!"
- Rimmer discovering that the new ship computer is programmed to predict his orders in advance and carry them out. Leading to the destruction of B-deck in the attempt to repair it.Rimmer: Are you telling me that you knew I'd cock it up, so you cocked it up for me?!
- Rimmer referring to the new female computer as a "mad goth bastard!"
- A line so good, they had to put it in the trailer.Lister: Really? Jesus...
- Lister and Jesus getting into a slap fight.
- "You make a lot of people happy! Look at me. I presumed that throughout history all famous people were amazing. And then I met you! And then I realised they're not. In fact, you're a bit of a knob!" Keep in mind that Lister says this while delivering a pep talk to the man he thinks is the Son of God.
- The fact that, of all the possibilities, Jesus has a Sunderland accent.
- Kryten drying the cutlery with his, ahem, heat outlet.
- Kryten tells Rimmer that Lister has lost him in a poker game:Cat: We're all deeply sorry, bud. Except for me and him and him.
- Rimmer finds a woman who's interested in him only for Lister to accidentally flush her out an airlock.Lister: You got a pen?
- The Cat's CV (nice beat):"Does not work!
Does not clean!
Will have sex with a-ny
- The vending machine who has always dreamed of seeing around the corner. And Rimmer's reaction to seeing Lister on top of the vending machine trying to lift it from the ground.
- Lister giving a long and heartfelt speech about what a wonderful person his ex-girlfriend Haley was and how he knows she will have been a wonderful mother regardless of who fathered her children, while trying to nerve himself up to open the envelope which will tell him whether or not he was the father of her baby (and still unsure whether or not he hopes it was him). Followed by a beat while he opens the envelope, followed by:Lister: What a total slag!
- The entire Charades sequence.Rimmer: Your clothes are hanging on the line, and the mail pod crashed into them? Hows that two words?Cat: Cos when it happened, I said, "Oh man!"
- Rimmer being every bit the pompous Rules Lawyer in trying to surrender, even when the rogue simulants are firing on his ship. And then awesomely subverting it.
- The effects of Kryten's ship-wide search of weapons. Two forks and a pencil sharpener.
- The crew are reminded of how they got out of other problems, such as the ending to "Only the Good". Rimmer gets cut off by Cat before he can say what happened.
- Subverting You Have Failed Me.
- (After the subordinate disembowels himself) "Firstly, polish my Sword of Spite".
- "Secondly, write me a formal letter of apology."
- The Dominator ordering his subordinate executed for questioning his orders after asking them to question his orders.
- After ten series of self doubt Rimmer is finally able to save the day thanks to amazing advice from The Cat.
- The inversion of the I Am Your Father trope. Rimmer and the Dwarfers discover that the man Rimmer thought was his father was not, and that his real father was 'Dungo', the family gardener:Rimmer: But he was a babbling imbecile!
Lister: A billion piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place.
- The flashback to Rimmer's time at Io Polytechnic, with the lecturer (his father) using him to demonstrate social pressure by having everyone else give the wrong answers to questions. And when one of the other students tries to give him a warning note, he thinks "You're a guinea pig" is an insult, and responds in kind. Made all the funnier by how smug Young Arnold looks about insulting the one person trying to stop him looking like an idiot.
- Lister: Kryten could not be more fried if he were a Mars Bar in Scotland.
- Kryten's oft-mentioned nipple nuts finally make a physical appearance... with Lister using them to recharge Kryten by hooking him up to the ship like a car battery.
- The discussion over what Albert Einstein is doing in the altered reality.Harmony: He pushes this pram full of string around. Even got this whole theory about it.
Cat: Pram theory?
- Harmony mocking one of the cops.Cop: Just how dense do you think I am?
Harmony: You really wanna know? Just divide your mass by your volume.
- The first part of the episode has Lister and Rimmer playing a board game. If Rimmer rolls a 2 and a 1 (possibly a callback to Rimmer rolling that exact roll back during his Risk stories in the early seasons), then Lister wins. Rimmer proceeds to roll a 2 and a 1 five times in a row.
- The board game is also part of a bet. If Rimmer wins, Lister has to wear a nightdress until he's able to play a piece of classical music off by heart. If Lister wins, Rimmer isn't allowed to complain or criticize Lister for a full week. Lister wins.
- Rimmer's boasting about his skill at the game is shot down in classic Lister fashion.Rimmer: They used to call me "the Mine-otaur".
Lister: Is that because you were half a man who was full of bull?
- Lister and Rimmer discussing the latter's bad luck.Lister: Smeg happens, Rimmer. You just gotta roll with it.
Rimmer: I've been rolling in smeg my entire life! So don't tell me how to roll!
- "Bing bong! Sorry, sirs - the bing bong machine is being serviced this evening. I'm afraid we're on manual."
- The Cat's utterly garbled knowledge of history. Apparently Archimedes was sitting under a tree one day when a bath fell on his head, which caused him to shout "Formica!" and invent gravy. His attempt to explain this is too bonkers for words."You can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink!"
Give & Take
- Kryten forgetting who Rimmer is, due to having deleted all knowledge of him in order to free up hard-drive space. It gets even better when, before undeleting the information, he lets slip that all of the information pertaining to Rimmer was stored in the Captain Bollocks folder.Kryten: Oh, have no fear, sir! I only trashed information I considered frivolous and idiotic.
Rimmer: Without consulting me, first?!
Kryten: [turns to look over at Rimmer] ...and you are?
- Upon getting promoted, Rimmer decides to implement a class system on Red Dwarf. For him, the elevators have comfortable chairs and chilled champagne, while the Grunts' lift is hot, uncomfortable and has a deliberately rude AI controlling it. It's further elaborated with the officers' corridor, complete with conveyor belt so Rimmer doesn't even have to walk.
- Rimmer makes so many copies of himself for the officers' club, he decides to make a barbershop quartet all consisting entirely of him.
- Lister and Cat see that Rimmer's done something to their TV package, and decide to go yell at him. Most of the first half of the episode is just Lister and Cat being immediately done with Rimmer, even more than they usually are.
- How do the boys kill the monster of the week? Distract it by mentioning it hasn't made a to-do list about what it's going to do once it's finished killing Rimmer and then blasting it with their Bazookoids.
- Kryten's mid-life crisis. He starts the episode contemplating the futility of life, and when you see him next, he's covered himself in flashy gadgets and given himself a Ferrari red paint job. It's as ridiculous as it sounds.
- Kryten's glee over all these new gadgets is hilarious. His new walking speed is - get this - a full TWELVE miles per hour! He spends the rest of the scene running around in glee.
- "Now, check out these subwoofers!"
- The boys go find another 4000 Mechanoid who hasn't evolved like Kryten to try and help Kryten come to terms with his crisis. They find Butler upon the Nova 3. Not only is he as evolved as Kryten, he's also a Renaissance Man who's a painter, musician, novelist and expert chef. Also, the godfather of an alien warlord's daughter. Everyone spends the rest of the Starbug scene back home trying to learn the alien's language. It results in everyone going "Maaaah" over and over again for about half a minute.
- Kryten gives The Universe itself a mid-life crisis.
- The Universe's parting words to the Dwarfers: "Kryten, take off that suit. It really sucks."
- Hitler tries to bond with Lister by inviting him to jam with him. Understandably, Lister is very reluctant to do so. Hitler is well aware of this, and asks "Is it because I'm Hitler?". And then they jam together.
- The boys are informed that a nearby ship has outlawed criticism. In the spirit of politeness, they attempt to follow this law. You know how this goes. It takes Rimmer under a minute to start criticizing, and the rest of the boys quickly follow.
- This leads to them in a Criticism Removal Machine. The idea is that they just remove your critic, and all you have left is happiness. The first person they try this on is Rimmer. As it turns out, Rimmer is physically incapable of criticizing himself - and his furious rant breaks the machine within a matter of seconds.
- Rimmer starts quoting a Space Corps Directive and as soon as he rattles off the regulation number, adds an immediate "Shut up, Kryten!"
- During the election campaign for President of the machines aboard Red Dwarf, the polls indicate that Kryten and Rimmer are neck and neck. Lister and Kryten end up having to go to the one machine who can break the deadlock, Talkie Toaster.
- And to follow up, right after the election, Rimmer is locked into the garbage hold with Talkie Toaster for several days.
- Reminiscent of "White Hole"'s "So what is it?" scene, Lister trying to get Cat to wrap his head around the fact that they must say the opposite of what's they want to happen. Cat, naturally, takes a few goes at this.
- During his search for a better reality, Rimmer stumbles upon several worth mentioning;
- In one, Lister is now much more sophisticated and shares many of the same interests with Rimmer, only Cat has now been replaced by Mr. Rat. What's more, it's stated that there are in fact thousands of them still living on Red Dwarf.
- Another sees Rimmer take Holly's place as the ship's computer, reducing him to a head on the screen. Fortunately, he still has the Skipper in the screen, although he needs to use his nose to press it.
- A briefer moment, Rimmer awakens tied to a table with the other Red Dwarf members about to apparently sacrifice him. Needless to say, he leaves quickly.
- After much searching, Rimmer finally finds a reality where he has everything he wants; He's an officer, is married, and has sons. And then he meets his new commanding officer, Captain Lister.
- Rimmer and Holly in one reality doing a word-for-word recreation of the "Everybody's Dead" scene from the first episode, except they're now discussing how the entire crew is not dead.
- Lister finds Holly's backup disc in the cargo bay while looking for antiques (Read: junk). And what form does the disc take? A giant version of the old 3 and a half inch floppy. Kryten's reaction is to finally realise what the giant disc drive hidden in the cupboard in the corner of the science room is for.
- Once Holly has been booted up, there's a problem: he's back at factory default settings, which means he only recognises Rimmer and Lister as official members of the crew. And then...Holly: Are you aware of the role I perform, hologram Rimmer?
Rimmer: You're the Red Dwarf computer, Holly! You control the ship!
Holly: I'm also tasked with appraising Red Dwarf's worth to the Jupiter Mining Corporation, and de-commissioning it if it serves no useful purpose.
Rimmer: Oh God.
Holly: Obviously this doesn't happen while a ship has a crew performing essential duties.
Lister: Oh God...
Holly: Or even performing duties to an adequate level.
Rimmer, Kryten, Cat, Lister: Oh God...
- As Starbug is hit by debris from the exploding Iron Star, the stern catches fire. Lister's brilliant solution: uncouple the stern. One problem, as Rimmer points out afterward: the engines were in the stern, leaving Starbug falling toward a desert moon.Cat: Anyone know how to land a cockpit?
Lister: Look, there'll be a way, Kryten'll know, he always knows about stuff like this.
Kryten: [sheepishly] Not absolutely always, sir, as I'm about to prove.
Cat: [to Lister] How come you don't know? I thought you were meant to be a major astro!
Rimmer: That's the predictive text misspell for what he is.
- Lister decides he can't keep up the charade of being the humanoid cats' God, and asks Kryten to break the news to them - but Kryten can't bring himself to criticise Lister after all he's done for him. The Cat volunteers to go next:Cat: Yo, buds! What is it with you guys!? That guy in there ain't your God! He ain't nobody!
Sister Luna: Did he not go into stasis and save the mother of our people?
Cat: Well... okay, he did that.
Brother Sol: Did he not refuse to betray her to the authorities, and now we live?
Cat: Well... okay, he did that too!
Sister Peanut: And did he not give me the power of speech when before I had no such gift?
[Cat reflects on this; cut to Sol, Luna, and Peanut singing and dancing in tribute to Lister... now with the Cat joining them on maracas]
Sol, Luna, Peanut, Cat: [singing] David Lister, Lister Listy, Lister Listy, Lister!
David Lister, Lister Listy, Lister Listy, Lister!
[Lister watches through the window of the cockpit door, then turns to Kryten and Rimmer]
Lister: They've converted him!
- The continued attempts and failures to dissuade the followers culminate in the absurd miracle of somehow escaping an exploding moon in a ship with no engines.
- At the end of the episode, when Brother Sol and Sisters Luna and Peanut are finally re-united with their fellow dissidents after Rodon's ship and everyone on it is destroyed, it turns out their faith has taken an unexpected turn:[Sol, Luna, and Peanut say their goodbyes to the boys from the Dwarf before embracing their fellow feline humanoids]
Lister: 'Ey, so where will you go?
Brother Sol: Go?
Lister: Now that you know Fuchsal, the promised land, does not exist.
Sister Luna: The promised land is not a planet, brother... it's a place in your heart. It's a way of thinking. The promised land is right here. [crosses her hands over her heart; Peanut does likewise]
Brother Sol: And as the Scriptures predicted, we've been brought here by the God of our people.
Sister Luna: Thank you.
Lister: [beaming] Aww. Thanks guys.
Brother Sol: For introducing him to us.
[Lister looks confused... then Sol, Luna, and Peanut pull their hoods back to reveal they now all have an "H" on their foreheads. Rimmer is dumbfounded, while Sol and Luna begin leading the other cats in the same chant as before, but with different words]
Cats: Rimmer! Arnold Rimmer, Rimmer Rimmy, Rimmer Rimmy, Rimmer!
Sister Peanut: [realising she's joined in the chanting] Oh my God, I can speak again!
Rimmer: [as the chanting continues] I'm a god! [delighted] This is gonna look so good on the old CV...
[Lister smiles and shakes his head in amused disbelief before downing another swig of lager; cut to the exterior of the "cat's face" ships, now minus an ear, as they re-configure to form a capital H]
- Any and all moments from the outtakes, which include Chris Barrie doing random impersonations of Kenneth Williams, every kind of screw-up on the part of the cast, and Craig Charles taking abuse from everyone.
- A particular moment, during the filming of "Terrorform", where the Dwarfers are taking a boat through a swamp. Craig Charles stands up in the boat (trying to light his cigarette on one of the flame jets coming out of the swamp) and we hear the stern voice of one of the crew:Crew Member: Craig!? Craig - Craig, don't bugger about!
Craig Charles: [in a high-pitched voice] Nehnehneh, don't bugger about!
- From "Gunmen", Craig Charles attempts to walk away from the AR machine, but forgets to remove the groinal attachment first.
- From "Emohawk":
- Bobby mixes up his words and dubs a prop 'Mr Guitar'. This is followed by a song and dance and an in-character explanation of the mistake.You see for me everything's mister; (points at a flask) Mr Flask, (points at Danny) Mr Cat, (points up) Mr Microphone, (points at his groin) Mr Rather-Sad-Knob!
- Also from "Emohawk", Danny John-Jules (as Dwayne Dibbley) has to recite a Long List of items, which he actually pulls off...only for Chris Barrie (as Ace Rimmer) to corpse. Repeatedly. Danny rolls with it by pretending to rewind himself as he walks backwards for his entrance for the next take.
- Bobby mixes up his words and dubs a prop 'Mr Guitar'. This is followed by a song and dance and an in-character explanation of the mistake.
- From "Meltdown", the entire exchange from the scene where they've teleported into the chimney:Craig Charles: Stone. (knocks on wall, which makes a very obvious hollow wooden sound)(audience laughs uproariously; Danny John-Jules starts laughing too)Danny John-Jules: (knocks on wall too) "Stone"!Craig Charles: Yeah. (shouts at audience) They were gonna sort that out in the dub!
- Robert Llewellyn's various deadpan reactions to forgetting his lines:"Relocating Red Dwarf's vapour trail, at present speed and course... we're going to be doing something else. (normal voice) No idea what the rest of that line was. Might as well be doing a song and dance routine. (starts singing) New York, New York, it's a wonderful...""We can't just surrender, sir! They... do something very complicated."(walks in carrying tray) "I wondered if you'd..." (stops and walks out again. Craig waves him goodbye)
- The best part is that he always manages to stay in character as he does so.
- And when Danny forgets his lines:Robert: (in Kryten's voice) "Anything else coming Mr. Cat?"
- An epic flub in the episode "Rimmerworld" - after Rimmer's shocked response of "600 years?!" it cuts to Danny, and, having forgotten his line, a giant smirk crosses his face.
- "Lister she's just a computer... p-pa-pussy!" (Chris is supposed to say "Computer sprite".)
- From the "Polymorph" smeg ups: "It's sleeping off a four course meal of fiv, ven... (laughter) [sigh] and dyslexia."
- From the Series V smeg-ups: Well, it is one of the risks of wearing a full-body robot costume...Robert, with a scrunched-up face and in the Yorkshire accent he uses for Spare Head 3: "I've just cacked me pants." (Audience laughs their heads off; Hattie starts doing the same face in the background.)
- "The Inquisitor": The main four start flipping the V's at the camera and at John Docherty (Inquisitor) at the other end of the set, all the while pulling funny faces. Eventually, John gets fed up of waiting and joins in.
- A blooper from the scene in "Rimmerworld" where Rimmer learns he has severe health problems. "I knew it! It's the heart attacks well, not the heart bloody attacks." (audience laughs as Chris mimes having a heart attack) He was supposed to say "headaches".
- From the episode "Terrorform", where Craig Charles is operating a blowtorch with a welding mask lifted up off his face. Director Juliet May asks him to lower the mask.Craig: See, thing is, I can't see out of this mask.May: That doesn't matter, we don't know that.Craig: Yeah, but I could cut me [bleep]ing knob off, you know what I mean?! "It doesn't matter, we can't tell." Well, when you smell the burning flesh you might, y'know!
- From "Meltdown" not only does Chris Barrie flub his lines, but the shoot keeps getting interrupted by the sound of aircrafts overhead ruining perfectly good takes.Chris: Well, Sartre, we don't like existentialists around here. And we certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black polo-neck sweaters filling everyone's heads with their theories about the bleakness of absurdity and the exenshista f[bleep]k there's an aircraft overhead as well Sartre. (actor playing Sartre nods)
Chris: Across that valley lies an army of darkness such as mankind has never seen. The only thing that lies between them and total victory is this pathetic pocket of resistance, without a plan, without a leader. And into this bleak arena steps a man, the man for the moment.Robert: Who?Chris: Me, Pat Boone— oh, [bleep], sorry! [audience laughs] I do lessons on how to blow gags, you know.
- This particular flub from the same episode stands out, with Chris Barrie getting through a lengthy speech at the first time of asking, only to immediately blow the much shorter line which follows:
- The climactic scene at the end of "Out Of Time", Rimmer sees the others die and gets to his feet, grabs the bazookoid, kicks open the door... and bounces off the doorframe as the bazookoid is too wide to fit through. What really makes it funny though is Chris doesn't stop and runs through the door as if he's continuing the scene.
- During the location filming for "Better Than Life", Lister and Cat get on a motorcycle, don some sunglasses, then flip Rimmer the bird before Lister starts the bike... and only manages to drive two feet before stalling.
- "Look at the HAM! HAM DRIPPING OFF HIM! HAM CITY!"
- Norman Lovett being the Butt-Monkey of the cast as they comment on every single flaw in his appearance.
- "It's Tony Hawwwks!" (Also adopted by fan podcasts.)
- Chloe Annett's many crazy hairstyles.
- "Other Xs are available."
- Impressions of Doug Naylor and the rest of the crew. "Yeah, no, yeah. It's funneh."
- The brilliant conversation during "Psirens" about Doug justifying filming asteroid scenes in a quarry off the M25 rather than somewhere more exotic:Danny (impersonating Doug): Yeah, it's funny because the word "quarry"'s funny.
Bobby (impersonating Doug): Yeah, what's funny about filming in Morocco? No!
Chris (impersonating Doug): Although we don't say the word "quarry", it's still funny, yeah.
- During "Quarantine", the whole conversation about Rob, Doug and Rocket:Danny (as Rob) We-we've got a scene 'ere — i-i-i-i-i-i' IS a scene, isn't it, Doug?Danny (as Doug) Yeah, I think so, it is a scene, yeah.Danny (as Rob) Right, Rocket, now — is that — what's that? A camera, isn't it?
- The brilliant conversation during "Psirens" about Doug justifying filming asteroid scenes in a quarry off the M25 rather than somewhere more exotic:
- Mocking the dark lighting in which Danny becomes invisible. It turns out they had the contrast turned down.
- Some of the "alternative" cast introductions are hilarious:Chris: Hello, I'm Chris Barrett, the star of Red Pilot.
Craig: I'm Craig David.
Danny: I'm Daniella Westbrook.
Bobby: And I'm Roberta Lou-Ellen. I used to be in Dallas.
- All the rest of the cast impersonating Craig Charles on the Series V commentaries, where he was absent due to being ill. "So, Craig, what do you think about this episode?" "Ehh, I dunno, y'know, I thought it was a bit pony..."
- From "The Bodysnatcher Collection": Doug Naylor's anecdote about the time he went to see a taping of The Young Ones (directed by Red Dwarf executive producer Paul Jackson). After one too many screw-ups, Paul stormed onto the set and loudly berated the cast in front of the audience in such an over-the-top hilarious way that Doug thought to himself, "Oh, what a brilliant example of Breaking the Fourth Wall! They've even got the director in the show playing this horrendous Prima Donna Director character!" It wasn't an act.
- "Chris makes his missus wear WD-40 so she smells like his Bentley."
- The end credits of "Justice", where the cast all sing along with the theme song. Then, right at the end:Craig: So that's why you all act!
- When Lister and other recruits meet Holly for the first time and are allowed to test his knowledge by asking him anything:They all began shouting questions: "Who was the ... ?" "How many ... ?" "When did... ?" and, one by one, Holly got them right.
Finally Petersen asked a question. "Why is the room going round and round?"
"Because you're drunk," said Holly.
"That's riiiiight!" Petersen clapped, delighted.
- "Spaghettification. Let me guess. I can see only two options: one — due to the bizarre effects of the intense gravitational pull, and because we're entering a region of time and space where the laws of physics no longer apply, we all of us inexplicably develop an irresistible urge to consume vast amounts of a certain wheat-based Italian noodle conventionally served with Parmesan cheese; or two — we, the crew, get turned into spaghetti. I have a feeling we can eliminate option one."
- Rimmer's first speech to the Z-Shift he commands. He focuses far too much on dramatic pauses, treats "the sonic super-mop" like some mighty sword, and ends up getting his head repeatedly bashed into a chair because he tried to attack a much bigger man for not listening to him.
- Lister asks if he can be transferred to another shift, because he thinks Rimmer is mentally unstable.Rimmer: There's always one, isn't there? Some moron, some imbecile?Lister: Yes sir. But he's not usually the one in charge, sir.
- Rimmer also takes time to mentally critique Lister's salute, and notes that his own Rimmer Salute is far superior.
- Lister asks if he can be transferred to another shift, because he thinks Rimmer is mentally unstable.
- "The Hopper's suspension was completely shot. Lister was beginning to wish he'd never stolen it."
- Lister's stuck on Mimas after a Monopoly-board pub crawl for his birthday, during which he'd went searching London for a Monopoly board, and woke up in a burger bar on Mimas with no clothes and a license in the name of "Emily Berkenstein."
- His legitimate home address on Mimas: a luggage locker. For six months.
- He later tries to take full advantage of having a real bed once he joins Red Dwarf, and is surprised to discover he can only sleep if he's curled up in a ball, luggage locker style.
- Rimmer's complaints in the Android Brothel: "She nearly pulled the damn thing off! It was like being trapped in a milking machine!"
- "It'll be out of action for at least six months! If you hadn't heard my screams..."
- Rimmer had told Lister (who drove his cab) that he was going to a restaurant. When he realises Lister has walked in on his complaint, he immediately starts acting as if he just realised this isn't a restaurant.
- He's wearing a very bad false mustache and claiming to be Todhunter. He's still using a purse with "Arnold J Rimmer, BSc, SSc" embroidered on it.Lister: Hey, whoremonger!
- Kryten gets trapped in Better Than Life because it presented him with a pile of dirty dishes. And a new mop.
- Kryten turns his hearing up to maximum when Rimmer asks him if he can hear anything and can only hear a beetle several decks away shuffling around. For simplicity he says he can't hear anything.
- The novel's version of the funeral scene listed at the very top of this page uses the equally-funny "Heaven is 10 Zillion Light Years Away."
- The book "Zero-G Football: It's A Funny Old Game" is apparently so terrible that Holly routinely questioned its existence during the three million year gap.
- The sheer hatred Holly has for it cannot be understated: In the seconds following the disaster, Holly checks every piece of human literature on religion and spirituality as he guns Red Dwarf out of the solar system, and still comes to the conclusion that this book is so fundamentally awful that he reminds himself of the writer's birthday every year, for three million years, just so he'll remember to hate it some more.
- And that's the retconned version from the omnibus edition. In the original book, the book was Kevin Keegan's Football: It's A Funny Old Game. This itself was a gag on the show.
- As he realises he might be going a bit peculiar, Holly notes that how much he's forgotten is "a source of perturbation," only to then realise he can't remember if perturbation is a real word or not.
- As Lister attempts to repair and rebuild Kryten, who had dismantled himself when he realised the Nova V crew were dead, Rimmer is disturbed by the fact he's scattered bits of the mechanoid all over the bunkroom.Rimmer: What's this on my pillow? It's his eyes!
- Lister later manages to get Kryten's head to spout random words unconsciously, and discovers a sandwich inside his head.
- The first meeting with the Cat in the ship's hold has him tackle Lister. Because he thought he was food. The Cat also has no idea what names are, because he can't comprehend that somebody might have no clue who he is.
- During Better Than Life, Rimmer is coming to terms with the idea that he's living his fantasies, and allows that maybe, maybe his fantasy is a little unrealistic, with the bombshell wife, the grillions of dollarpounds, using time-travel to go on drunk booze-cruises and have his father serve as his chaufer, but not that implausible, surely... then he and Lister get to the Cat's fantasy: A mountain-top castle with a moat made of milk, staffed entirely by skimpily dressed Valkyries. And unlike Lister and Rimmer's fantasies, the Game hasn't bothered giving even a half-arsed justification for it. The Cat is so monumentally egotistical and shallow he thinks this could and would happen for him.
- In the Talkie Toaster interviews on the website, Talkie meets Legion, an entity that is composed of the consciousnesses of the people around him, even if it was only one person. This means that Talkie Toaster is stuck having his own toast obsession thrown back at him.
- Doug Naylor on the Series X documentary is about to explain what happened at the end of Only The Good, only for the credits to roll.
Red Dwarf USA Pilot
- Though the unsold American pilot is essentially a Flanderized version of the real show, the line "My baseball cards must be worth a fortune!" (shown during the pilot's profile in ABC's Best TV Shows That Never Were special) is kinda funny.
- What does Lister want to do now that he's the last man alive? "Hang out here, have a few beers, die."
- Kryten notes that Lister's cat is obviously pregnant. Lister thought it was just a beer belly.
- Rimmer notes that being dead is "like being at an Amish bachelor party."
- The crew expect to find a hideous feline mutant in the hold, and find the Cat, yowling his next song lyrics.
- Lister notes that the Cat's existence is thanks to him. Cat responds with a pause, then "Thanks?"
- When Rimmer complains that the Cat is going to drive them crazy, he simply responds that he doesn't care.
- What has Kryten been doing for three million years? Reading a fire exit sign.
- During the A-Z Of Red Dwarf feature, the two actors who played the Nazi soldiers who got the crocodile dropped on them complain that they were told they were starring in a historically accurate World War 2 drama only to find themselves on a silly sitcom where they have plastic crocodiles dropped on them. Immediately, the crocodile is dropped on them again.
- The entire story of the explosion on Series 7's Beyond a Joke. Robert originally wrote in the tank expecting it to be changed, but no - Doug wanted it to stay. Then they set up the gazebo to blow on army lands, with some residential areas nearby and the Army insisted that the production team not inform the neighbours about the explosion "because if you do it, then we'll have to every time we have an explosion." Problem is, no one knew quite how large the blast was going to be and it was quite substantial. So much so, that a lot of windows in the nearby residential parts were blown out from the shockwave, leading to panic and a few phonecalls to the police.