Quotes / I Have This Friend

"Daddy, I have this...friend, and, he's real nice, but he spends half his time running around the playground, kicking kids in the shins and mashing dirt in their faces."
Best Possible Fathering: "Focus on your studies and don't make pals with kids like that."
Worst Possible Fathering: "I'm not your friend, son."

—Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

Well, um, I have this friend, it's not me!

—Doug Funnie, Doug

Reverend Lovejoy: I have a friend, I mean, a friend of a friend...
Homer: (loudly) Sex problem, eh?

—The Simpsons, "The Boys of Bummer"

Homer: Moe, I need your advice...
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I've got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo...
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
(a man, apparently the real Joey Jojo, runs out of the bar, crying)
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo-Jo!

—The Simpsons, "The Last Temptation of Homer"

I've gotta tell (an annoying old guy at the State Department) I lost a submarine. Can I make something up, like "say a friend of mine hypothetically..."

— President Bartlett, The West Wing, "Gone Quiet"

Talisman: Here at Talisman Saloon, we only discuss the affairs of others. Is it okay, Lemonade Candy?

Lemonade Candy: Okay. A friend of mine is in quite a bind right now. So I'd like to talk about her, Talisman.

Talisman: With pleasure!

— Psycho-Pass, Nobody Knows Your Mask

Robin: I would fain consult you—
Rose: Truly?
Robin: It is about a friend.
Rose: In truth I have a friend myself.
Robin: Indeed? I mean, of course—
Rose: And I would fain consult you—
Robin (Anxiously): About him?
Rose (Prudishly): About her.
Robin (Relieved): Let us consult one another.

— Ruddigore

Kaguya: I need... to ask you for advice, Kashiwagi.
Kashiwagi: I had a feeling that was the case.
Kaguya: It's about a friend.
Kashiwagi: (Thinking) It's about her.
Kaguya: A boy she's interested in recently had a drastic change in appearance.
Kashiwagi: (Thinking) It's about Shirogane.

— Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

Simba: What are you doing?

Timon: [screams] Good question. [stammering] Let me ask you one.

Pumbaa: Hippothetically.

Timon: Very hypothetical. There's this guy...

Pumbaa: But he's not a lion!

Timon: No, no, he's not a lion. Yeesh, definitely not a lion. And... his daughter... say... vanished?

Simba: Kiara's gone?!

—The Lion King II: Simba's Pride

SpongeBob: This is getting a little out of hand. All I did was throw a peanut. I didn't mean to make the oyster cry. I just wanted to see it perform spectacular stunts! Aw, everyone's gonna hate me! I-I need some advice! Now let's see now, who could never hate me no matter what I do? [Cut to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward's door] Squidward? Squidward! Oh, Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob! Do you have to knock so loudly?!
SpongeBob: Oh, sorry, neighbor.
Squidward: Oh, that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!
SpongeBob: Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I... uh... was kinda wondering, um... Let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.
Squidward: (eagerly) You know the guy who did it?!
SpongeBob: [Gulps!]
Squidward: Oh, this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And then I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!
SpongeBob: Um, actually, I-I'm just talking hypothetically.
Squidward: You mean you don't know who did it?
SpongeBob: Well, um... I... uh... no.
(Squidward slams the door in SpongeBob's face)

—SpongeBob SquarePants, "The Smoking Peanut"

"Well, okay, I'll tell you. Look, the friend is me"

—Noemí Argüelles, Paquita Salas

Lincoln Loud: (who's trying to play matchmaker with his coach and teacher) "So my friend really likes this girl..."

Lori Loud: "OMG! You're talking about yourself, aren't you? Who's the girl?"

Lincoln Loud: "No, no, it's not me. So, he likes her, but I'm not sure if she's into him."

Lori Loud: "Oh, have Clyde ask her for you."

Lincoln Loud: "It's not me! Can you focus, please? Now, how do I get her to be interested in him, too?"

Lori Loud: "I'm sure she'll be interested in you, Lincoln, you're so great!"

Lincoln Loud: "Lori, I swear I will walk out of this room and go ask Lola!"

Lori Loud: "Fine, I'll help you with your (air quotes) 'friend'."

Lincoln Loud: "Okay, so I followed your advice, and now the girl seems interested in my friend. What's the next step?"

Lori Loud: "Uh, duh, you literally have the green light, Romeo."

Lincoln Loud: "Lori, it's not me!"

Lori Loud: "Fine, tell your (air quotes) 'friend' he literally has the green light."

Lincoln Loud: (who's now trying to play matchmaker with his teacher and the janitor) "Hey, Lori! Listen, I've got another friend who needs my dating help. (Lori squeals) No, it's not me!"

— The Loud House, "Teachers' Union"

"So, does the company that makes your bra make a girdle? I'm asking because a friend of mine..."

— Zapp Brannigan after his girdle breaks in a planet's high gravity but Leela's bra doesn't, Futurama, "Brannigan Begin Again"

Julius: Can I ask you a hypothetical question?
Court Clerk: This oughta be good.
Julius: Suppose there was somebody who got married, then thought he got divorced, then got married again and had some kids.
Clerk: Hypothetically?
Julius: Yeah.
Clerk: Well he could hypothetically be arrested and go to jail as a bigamist.
Julius: I see.
Clerk: But between you, me and your hypothetical friend, as long as you get your final decree, file these papers, and everyone around here stays lazy, you'll be fine.

—Everybody Hates Chris

Twilight Sparkle: "I have this friend..."

Celestia: "Is this friend sitting right next to me?"

Twilight Sparkle: "No, but she asked me to keep her name a secret."

Celestia: "I see. And what did this friend want to ask me?"

Twilight Sparkle: "Well, you see, my friend has... another friend. And she's liked this friend for a long time."

Celestia: "Oh? Does this friend of yours have a crush?"

Twilight Sparkle: "Yes, she's known this friend for a while and isn't sure how to, you know, approach them."

Celestia: "I see. And does this friend of a friend have a name?"

Twilight Sparkle: "I... should probably keep that a secret too."

Celestia: "I see. And why does this friend need my advice?"

Twilight: "Well, you see, it's kind of... complicated."

Celestia: "In my experience, matters of the heart are often made more complex than they need to be."

Twilight: "Hehe, yeah. I told her the same thing. But... well, I think she might kind of have a point this time."

Celestia: "Let me guess: this friend of yours likes another mare."

Twilight: "Eheheh, yeah. Not me, of course! It's some other mare."

Celestia: "Well, I should hope so. It would be rather awkward asking the subject of your affection for advice from me."

— I Have This Friend, a fanfiction of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. ^note Actually, Twilight is telling the truth.

"How's Peach? Is she okay? Comfortable? Does she have a good book to read? Asking for a friend."

— Bowser, Paper Mario: The Origami King

Todd: So I have this friend, and his name is… Darnarius McQuimberton.

Diane: Oh, yeah, I think I read about him in the Real, Not Made-Up Person Magazine.

—BoJack Horseman

Ben Sobel: I think... your friend is you.

Paul Vitti: You... you... you got a gift, my friend.

—Analyze This

Hamilton: I have this friend
He's quite a guy
He's in a bit of a bind and he needs advice
Washington: How can I help you?
Hamilton: Not me, this friend; it's a friend

—"I Have This Friend", a Cut Song from Hamilton

"Are you ever overcome with feelings of complete and utter helplessness? I'm asking for a friend, of course."

— Monica, Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes

Commander Cody: Rumors are, more and more Clones have been questioning the order.^note Order 66

Crosshair: Then they're traitors then, like the Jedi.

Commander Cody: Well, good soldiers follow orders.

—Star Wars: The Bad Batch, "The Solitary Clone"

Jason: Now, hypothetically, if a very bad man killed your son, wouldn't you —

—Batman: Wayne Family Adventures, "Unaccompanied"

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