Quotes / Comically Small Bribe

Dr. Venture: Okay, I see how it is. And what would you prescribe for... [brings out a ten-dollar bill] Alexander Hamilton?
Dr. Ernesto Guavara: Not much.

— The Venture Brothers, "Dia de los Dangerous!"

"How dare he try to bribe me, thought Moist. In fact, that was his second thought, that of the soon-to-be wearer of a gold-ish chain. His first thought, courtesy of the old Moist, was: how dare he try to bribe me so small."

—Making Money

Sam: Maybe a few...Washingtons will help change your mind?

Max: Or maybe a few...Lincolns?

— Sam & Max: Freelance Police

Imp: What's in it for me?
Skitter: I'm supposed to bribe you?
Imp: Fo' sho.
Skitter: Ice cream. I'll pay for it, you pick it up.
Imp: Sweet!

—Skitter negotiating with her teammates, Worm

"Took you long enough! Alright, 20 bucks for Roland! That's my FINAL offer!"

—Bandit leader Flanksteak's last words, Borderlands 2

"You've got a '65
Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive
A custom paint job too
I'll trade ya for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist"

— "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Craigslist"

Max: Hello! I'd like to see your collection of catnip please.
Store Clerk: You know we're not allowed to sell that to pets.
Max: Oh really? And what if my friend Mister Washington vouched for me?
Store Clerk: Are... you trying to bribe me with a dollar?
(Beat Panel)
Max: Quarter, actually.
Store Clerk: That is adorable. See me out back.

— Housepets!

Hangman: Any last words, knight?
Sir Nylon: Yes! Let me go and I'll give you a whole dollar!
Hangman: Hang 'im!

— Princess Knight

Alastor: Don't worry, my friend. I can make this more welcoming, if you wish.
Husk: What, you think you can buy me with a wink and some cheap booze? (Beat) Well, you can!

— Hazbin Hotel

"I must confess that due to some incredibly unfortunate experiences I had in life, my friendship can be bought with a two-course meal of adequate quality."

— Saber of Blue, The Third Faction

"Is this a tip or a bribe? Because, you see, as a tip, it's not bad, but as a bribe, it's absolute horseshit."

— Montse, Honeymoon with My Mother

"Really? Is that it? You come here and try to buy me over with pancakes? (Beat) You're lucky I have a thing for pancakes."

— Lucifer, Helltaker

White Woman: Ugh! All right! How much to keep your mouth shut?
Japanese Girlfriend: A hundred dollruhs.
White Woman: I have 50 cents in a Vons club card.
Japanese Girlfriend: Dear!

— Brandon Rogers, A Day at the Park

This quest takes the entire game, is virtually impossible, and requires an insane amount of backtracking. Let's just say, that you're the designer of Ultima IX, and I haven't killed you yet. Let's just say that you're designing this, what would you offer as the reward for this nearly impossible heroic task? A magic sword? Magic armour? Magic spells? Magic something? Well, no.

Have you guessed something? Cause you won't get it. Now this is probably where you're expecting me to roll the clip from UHF where the guy lifts a box and says "Nothing!", but no, I promise you, it's not nothing, you get something for this quest. You're gonna love it too, just guess something, anything. Your reward for this task is... one hundred gold pieces. (beat) A hundred bucks!

It's a hundred gold pieces, a hundred for hours and hours and hours of painstaking meticulous searching the planet. Y'know, I step on fucking rats and make more than a hundred gold pieces, what the fuck is a hundred gold pieces to me?

This is what my time and effort is worth to Lord British, why do I work for this son of a bitch? Cause I gotta tell you guys, I'm not entirely sure.

—Spoony, Ultima Retrospective

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