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Funny / The Good Wife

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  • Remember, ladies and gentlemen, "Ho Ho Ho".
  • Kalinda giving Alicia her change of address.
    Alicia Florrick: What's this?
    Kalinda Sharma: Change of address.
    Alicia Florrick: For who?
    Kalinda Sharma: Me.
    Alicia Florrick: Oh, I, I don't think I even have your old address.
    Kalinda Sharma: Well, now you have my new one.
    Alicia Florrick: I feel like we've grown closer together.
    Kalinda Sharma: Okay, give it back.
    Alicia Florrick: Oh, no, no, no, this is going in my copy of Eat, Pray, Love.
    [Kalinda reaches for the paper and Alicia slaps her hand away from it]
    Kalinda Sharma: Ow!
  • Attorney David Lee's reaction to the discussion over bringing old equity partners back, in order to have enough votes to oust Bond (in the episode Great Firewall):
    Diane: We thought having two more votes would get us over the top, so we approached two of the senior citizens who were still in the logs as equity partners.
    (David starts cracking up, the others just look annoyed)
    Will: Okay David, we get it, we get it.
    David: No, I don't think you do. You couldn't have scripted it better... So what happened? Did one of them die?
    (others look glum)
    (David realizes that that's exactly what happened and just starts cracking up again with the most hilarious face)
    Diane: Yesterday.
    • In that same episode, when they have the vote to kick Diane out, and the vote to kick Bond out afterwards. Especially funny is Julius sitting & smiling politely whilst Bond expects him to vote to remove Diane, leaving Bond without enough votes to kick her out; and David Lee making the motion to kick Bond out of the firm, and he gets Bond's office for his "second" secretary.
  • Childs's voice coming out of a lion when Childs was on speakerphone in Andrew Wiley's apartment.
    • Cary's nonplussed reaction is pretty funny too.
  • After telling her mother-in-law that she no longer wants her in her home, Alicia goes to Zack and tells him to grab his coat, he's getting a car so Grandma no longer has to pick him and Grace up. It takes a moment for him to process the statement, and he races out of his room.
  • Alicia has been concerned about a search for condoms in her search browser. Zack checks the history and discovers that it was Jackie. Alicia and Zack share looks.
    Alicia: We never speak of this again.
    • From the same episode, Kalinda's test to see how clearly a witness could hear someone yelling with earplugs in. Her bored expression really sells it.
    Kalinda I'm not being murdered! I'm just screaming in the hallway!
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  • Alicia and Peter have sex in his gubernational campaign trailer, as Eli Gold arrives. He notices the trailer rocking and is understandably a bit concerned that his candidate is doing a Bill Clinton... until the door opens and Alicia walks out, saying:
    Don't worry, it's just the wife.
  • When Kalinda discovers new information about the client-of-the-week, a stripper:
    Will: Your stripper was hooking.
    Diane: Why is she my stripper when she does something bad?
  • After a Jewish student is murdered (and has a swastika carved into him) and a Muslim student is arrested for the crime, Eli uses Lockhart Gardner's defense of the Muslim suspect to manipulate the Jewish League Fund into bringing their business to him. When the killer is revealed to be a different Muslim student, the victim's ex, Eli fields a call from his newest clients:
    Eli: "Is it good for the Jewish League Fund?"? I don't know. A Muslim was the killer, but he was also gay and sleeping with our guy so...I would call that a classic 'mixed message'. If it helps our cause, I can find out if he’s a top?
  • Diane has Kalinda do an investigation on herself, as she's considering becoming a judge. Kalinda finds out that Diane's internet account uploaded a The Vampire Diaries smutfic, and reads an excerpt.
    • Also from 'The Wheels of Justice,' Colin Sweeney's girlfriend takes the stand to provide his alibi. The reaction shots from Will, Alicia, and AS A Hellinger really sell it.
    Will: And what were you doing there?
    Isobel Swift (emotionless): Anal.
  • In "What's In The Box", Will questioning a sweet older woman named Nana Joe in a trial over ballot boxes. He says her medication commonly used for Alzheimer's patients suggests her memory is faulty and uses her inability to remember her husband's birthday as proof:
    Will: Nana, when's your husband's birthday? (Nana Joe reaches for her purse) You don't know, do you?
    Nana Joe: I'm checking my datebook.
    Will: Yes, but off the top of your head, you don't know. Isn't it possible, ma'am, that you forgot that Mr.Buckley told you he wanted the ballots moved?
    Nana Joe: I don't forget things.
    Will: Things like your husband's birthday?
    Nana Joe: (bursts out crying) I just want to go home! Can I go home?
    Will: (looks concerned) Can you remember your address?
    • The premise of the episode was hilarious in an absurd way. At first, it seems like the ballot box has been filled with votes for Mike Kresteva in order to rig the election, so Alicia, Will and Diana represent Peter's campaign to get the votes from the box excluded while Amoral Attorney Patti Nyholm represents Kresteva's campaign to get them included. After some initial court proceedings that sway the judge in the Florrick side's favor, it turns out that the vast majority of the votes in the box are for Peter, not Kresteva, forcing both sides to completely 180 their arguments and disprove the points that they themselves just made.
  • Alicia and Will's drawn-out sniping in season 5. A highlight from Goliath and David - Will raises objection after objection in court to throw Alicia off her flow, something he knows she hates. In retaliation, she changes into the same dress she wore the first night they slept together, completely flustering him. And when he tries to call her out on it:
    Will: So you decided to change?
    Alicia: Yep. Into what I wore the night you banged me the first time.
    Will: That was pretty low of you.
    Alicia: I know. I wasn't so discriminating back then.
  • Also from Goliath and David, the tie-in video of the cast dancing to "Tricky Trick".
  • The ongoing bitch-off between Veronica and Jackie (Alicia and Peter's mothers). A sample exchange:
    Jackie: I'm so glad you decided to visit. Zach and Grace were wondering about their other grandmother.
    Veronica: I heard you nearly died, Jackie.
    Jackie: A stroke from helping out with the kids, by myself.
    Veronica: Well, at least you got a young companion out of it. How much does he charge?
    Jackie: $40 an hour. You should consider it. You won't have to go begging for male attention.
    Veronica: Yes, paying for it does seem to run in your family.
  • David Lee's reaction to Diane firing a client who demanded to see them on the day that Will was killed.
    Diane: That felt good.
    David: It turned me on.
  • In "Breaking Fast," Eli is watching a YouTube video of Owen, Alicia's brother, making a remark about how he thinks Peter isn't comfortable with him being gay. Eli does a Spit Take, then throws a book at a door in his panic.
    • Eli gives another spit take in the middle of Alicia's party when Marilyn says that she's naming her baby Peter.
    • "Lemond Freakin' Bishop!"
  • Zach and Becca bring a bit of evidence that can damage Glenn Childs and get Peter the election gains he needs to stay in the race and bring it to Eli. To their faces, he maintains a very neutral face. He excuses himself to a closet where he joyously punches the air, his hair flying out of place in the process.
  • In a depressing yet darkly humorous moment that breaks even Kalinda's ability to hide things: She's attempting to leave Lockhart-Gardner because Alicia's learned that she slept with Peter before his publicized affair. Her new boss says that her job would immediately place her in the State's Attorney's office, working with Peter. Kalinda can't help but break into hysterical laughter. Needless to say, Kalinda goes back to Lockhart-Gardner.
  • If it involves Elsbeth Tascioni, it's likely to be here, as she's a Bunny-Ears Lawyer Cloudcuckoolander. Early script notes describe her as "having twelve thoughts at a time, ten of which are good."
    • In one episode, she asks a random question, and when someone asks why, she admits that she just asks questions until something makes sense. As we see, this is surprisingly effective.
    • In "Je Ne Sais What?", she has been arrested for harassing a man she was handling a lawsuit against to keep her from doing her job. At one point, she gets transferred from her jail cell and actually cheers giddily when a guard cuffs her.
    • In the same episode, she feeds Alicia some ridiculously obscure and specific information as part of her defense.
      Alicia: How do you know that?
      Elsbeth: I don't know how I know half the things that I know.
  • Alicia decides that "life's is too short not to be honest" with Mike Kresteva.
    Alicia: Well, this has been fun. Die choking on your own blood.
  • Eli once again finding himself among mere mortals in 6x03.
    "Mrs Florrick here to see you."
    (With Alicia standing in front of him) THANK YOU, NORA, YOUR PRE-COGNITIVE ABILITIES AMAZE ME!
  • A very dark example from ‘Sticky Content’, when Media specialist Josh Mariner is working on Alicia’s campaign ad, adding footage from the courtroom Will was shot in:
    Josh: Go to the Irish music.
    (Assistant adds upbeat Irish music.)
    Great, yeah, that’s it, a-a festive courthouse shooting! What are you an idiot? The Irish wake music, the keening music.
    (Somber Irish music playing)
  • Roughly any scene involving the NSA phone surveillance guys. They send Screamer Pranks and funny videos to each other (frequently involving goats bleating) and find listening in on Alicia's phone conversations all kinds of fun, to the point where they visibly Squee! at finding a specious excuse to tap her again after being forced off.
  • In season 7 episode "Lies", when Alicia has to call someone who's on the NSA watchlist, and has very specific rules for his own safety for people that call him, which include calling from a disposable cell phone, drawing all the blinds, locking herself in her room... among other things.
    Alicia: I did everything Cary said. Can I get out from under the blanket now?
  • When Jackie and Howard announce they're engaged, Peter is jarred, Eli horrified and Alicia reacts the only way she can: Helpless and non-stop laughter.
  • In "Restraint", a lawyer keeps pulling out some truly bizarre metaphors that baffle everyone.
    Lawyer: It's like putting a horse's saddle on a Model T Ford!
    Judge: Okay, I don't even know what that's supposed to be mean.
  • The same episode features Grace Florrick being assigned to get some more clients for Florrick/Quinn, being promised half a percentage point for the new billings. She does this via using office ambience music played on multiple computers to give the impression she's calling from a busy office rather than her own bedroom... and during one call a pop-up ad issues a horse whinny noise. Grace, not losing her cool, says that one of the (fictional) associates is working with horses at the moment.
    • At the end of the episode, having landed four big clients unhappy with Diane Lockhart for arguing on behalf of an anti-abortion group, she presents her bill to her mother for the billings... $35,800.
  • Just before he is due to go to prison for drugs offences, Cary's "prison adviser" (an ex-con hired to advise him on life inside) advises him to 'make some memories' with Kalinda. When they are a bit slow in actually doing that, we get this line from the adviser.
    Less talking, more sex!
  • Monica tells Diane and David how a former client may be coming back.
    Monica: We should emphasize how much we stress diversity.
    David: We should get that crippled guy on it...
    Diane: Oh, Dear God...
  • Alicia's Sunday off with Jason in bed is interrupted first by her mother talking of being taken in a Ponzi scheme. Then her brother, Owen, both noting Jason and amused by this. Then Eli and Mike show up for discussions and brought to the kitchen where Mike asks why no one is in church on a Sunday. Then a process server shows up and is invited inside for bagels as Alicia just bangs her head on the door.
  • Alicia finds that a disabled restroom has a vent allowing one to overhear a Grand Jury. She drags Eli in to listen for a bit, Eli relaying information. He tries to go back only to find the restroom now being used by a succession of people in wheelchairs and crutches and biting his lip to keep from cursing them out.
  • Eli gets assigned to a smaller office when Ruth Eastman takes over as campaign manager for Peter Florrick's presidential run. As in an office so small that the door literally hits his desk every time it's opened.
  • The series is fond of parodying real-life works that take themselves overly seriously. Among the more memorable ones are Darkness at Noon, a parody of gritty, dark, philosophical crime shows like True Detective, and The Cow With No Country, an obvious shot at the earnestness of War Horse:
    Boy: Moo Cow, come back! You're the best Moo Cow in the whole world!
  • The day after Alicia and Finn make a pact to stop meeting for drinks in bars, to push back against the UST they realize is there, they meet at a diner for pancakes - and the power goes out, causing the diner to put out candles on the tables. And then a guy at the bar begins playing his guitar and singing. Alicia and Finn both recognize that it had become the exact situation they were trying to avoid and break into laughter.
  • In Executive Order 13224 Elsbeth is trying to delay a Treasury lawyer's investigation of Alicia for working with an alleged terrorist, so she recruits Alicia to help her with another case she's working on, slowly and carefully instructing Alicia as she hands over a pile of folders:
    Elsbeth: Mr. Higgs, your monitor, is going to ask you what I said here when I handed over these files. And I just want you to be clear about what I'm saying.
    Alicia: OK.
    Elsbeth: [deadpan] I need your help on this insurance case because I'm swamped. Look at all this paper. Phew. I need help.
    Alicia: That's what you want me to tell him?
    Elsbeth: No, that's what you will tell him, because that's what you heard me say.
  • Then, during their next meeting with the lawyer, Elsbeth reveals that Alicia's "new client" is also involved in the case, and the new attorney-client privilege prevents Alicia from answering any questions on her 'terrorist' client.
    Higgs: What did Ms. Tascioni tell you exactly? When she brought you this account?
    Alicia: She told me [deadpan] "I need help on this insurance case. I'm swamped. Look at all this paper." [motions to invisible pile of folders]
  • Alicia seeing a fictional version of herself on a cheesy TV show in "Dark Money".
  • The episode "The Last Call", which takes place in the immediate aftermath of Will's death, is a very somber episode throughout, but it does have one funny moment in the opening when Eli steps up to cover for Alicia when she is supposed to give a speech and has to leave. Unfortunately, Eli quickly discovers that the speech was written for Alicia and makes several references to her and Peter's married life, forcing to make several word changes at the last second.
  • In "Shiny Objects", the computers of Alicia and Cary's law firm are hacked by ransomware, forcing them to pay up or lose what they had on their computers forever. A tense situation, but it leads to some funny moments:
    • Diane's discovery that the hackers have a kind of customer support helpline, complete with waiting music and operators who work like any kind of tech support.
    • Eli dropping by, unaware of what's happening, and saying that the laptops' big countdown timers make him feel like he's in a Bruckheimer movie.
  • When the Lockhart/Gardner staff are handed subpoenas and all meet in the office, David arrives decked out in a flashy naval uniform; he was understudying for a friend in a Gilbert and Sullivan play.

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