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Funny / Regular Car Reviews

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  • From his 1991 BMW E30 review:
    • "The BMW E30 is hated, mocked, reviled as an emotionless box to hold invoices and printouts from Internet arguments; should anything go south at a car meet you will have damning evidence against your enemies for the inevitable civil lawsuit."
    • His use of "E30" as an adjective or verb (E30-iest, E30-ing, E30-y).
    • Pointing out that the car has four doors rather than the two doors expected of most sport-focused cars:
      "You see, your brain's dick thinks that 2-door cars are faster because structural rigidity or whatever. So when a 4-door BMW passes you in your S13 you're PISSED because there is no M-badge on the back of that car on which you can lay your excuses."
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    • "The only difference is, Miatas can be fixed with swear words, but E30's, you need a manual."
    • "The ride is smooth but buzzy, LIKE A JAILBROKEN VIBRATING ASS-TICKLER."
    • "It's sort of like getting to second base for the first time only to discover your girlfriend has PEPPERONI NIPPLES and sure, let's keep going but I'm not going to be storing this in the SPANK BANK."
  • From his 1985 Toyota Sprinter Trueno AE86 review (part 1, part 2):
    • His impressive Take That! rant against the Initial D fandom at the start of the review.
    • Pointing out that because the car is imported from Japan, and thus has the driver's seat on the right rather than the left like in US-produced cars, tollbooths are going to be a massive pain in the ass.
      "...and, if the geek doesn't have E-ZPass, every toll road journey will become a clusterdump of inconvenience for him and any other motorist unlucky enough to get caught behind him at the tollbooths — as he has to get out of his car and walk around and hand the money personally to the turnpike worker who is looking for any excuse to mouth some serious sass and call the state trooper who is inevitably parked nearby."
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  • On the 1990 Toyota Corolla GT-S, specifically one that has been modified to resemble a Toyota Trueno:
    "You can have an AE98 Trueno [...] if you desire, sure; find a lawful importer. But if you body-swap a Corolla GT-S, tread lightly, because car enthusiasts are catty shittalkers and bad swapping will put you between judgmental iron sights. If you roll a fake Trueno to Cars and Coffee, here's what's gonna happen: Folks will surround your Toyota and listen to you talk. They'll listen to two things: either listen to denials or confessions. Well, what are you gonna do? Will you say 'Oh, it's not real, it's just a loving tribute'? Or, will you say, with your left-hand steering wheel in FULL VIEW of everyone, 'Oh, it's a real Trueno'? We're all watchin'! You're on stage now and we're all listening! You knew the public's critical expectations when that Trueno badge came from eBay! You knew what you were doing when you screwed it on! You knew what you were doing when you changed the amber marker lights from the USDM ones to the JDM ones! Really? You're doing this?"

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