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Funny / Desperate Housewives

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"Desperate" might be part of Desperate Housewives's title, but there's plenty of hilarity to be found in Wisteria Lane as well.

  • In season 1: Gaby leaves Carlos at a party and comes back home to mow the lawn herself so Carlos won't suspect she has an adulterous relation with John Rowland, the gardener (who was supposed to mow the lawn but didn't since he had sex with her all the afternoon). In the middle of the night, while wearing her tight dress and with funny salsa music over the scene.
  • In Episode 3 of the first season, "Pretty Little Picture," Bree is hosting a dinner party during a period when she and Rex have been arguing. It is initially awkward, so Mike and Susan help break the tension by recounting the already pretty funny sequence of events that led to him discovering her locked out of the house naked earlier in the episode. The rest of the couples get going with embarrassing facts or stories about their partners to lift everyone spirits and just when you think it's working Bree matter-of-factly gives her contribution: "Rex cries after he ejaculates." The characters on screen are now awkward again but for the viewer at home this just became instantly hilarious.
  • This exchange:
    Susan: Do you believe in evil, Edie?
    Edie: Of course I believe in evil. I work in real estate.
  • Twice in Season 1, Carlos beats up someone when he suspects them of sleeping with Gaby, only to find out that the guy in question is gay.
    • First, he beats up their cable guy (who slipped on their wet bathroom floor because he ran late and as a result, interrupted Gaby while she was having a bath with John). As he's composing himself, he notices a poster for Gypsy, framed pictures of half-naked men and a framed picture on the coffee table of the cable guy in the arms of another man.
      Carlos: Are you gay?
      Lithgow: Yes. Is that why you're doing this?
      Carlos: [sheepishly] Uh, yeah. [retreats out the door]
    • Later, he breaks house arrest, follows Gaby to John's apartment, and ends up assaulting John's gay roommate Justin.
      Policeman: You want to tell us what you have against this kid?
      Carlos: It's between him and me and my wife.
      Policeman: [to Justin] Is that what this is about? You're doing his wife?
      Justin: No. I'm gay.
      Policeman: You're gay?
      Carlos: What?
      Justin: I'm gay.
      Carlos: This is not happening again...
      Policeman #2: What do you mean, "again"?
      Carlos: I want a lawyer.
    • Later, Gaby talks to Carlos in jail.
      Gaby: They're charging you with a hate crime?
      Carlos: Do you remember when our cable guy was beaten up? That was me. I thought you were cheating with him.
      Gaby: With our gay cable guy?
      Carlos: I didn't know he was gay. I didn't know Justin was either. Now the cops think I'm some kind of serial gay basher.
      Gaby: Well, you sort of are.
    • When Gaby is called to testify in court, she has this to say about Carlos:
      Gaby: My point is that Carlos is an angry, jealous Neanderthal. But he's not a gay basher.
  • In season 2 when Xiao-Mei agrees to be Carlos and Gaby's surrogate but misunderstands how the baby is to be conceived and offers her naked self up to Carlos.
    Xiao-Mei: Please, be gentle.
  • The gentlemanly, reserved, Stiff Upper Lip Orson loudly declaring himself a sex machine while pumping his fists and doing pelvic thrusts over breakfast.
  • Orson and Bree are staying at Susan's while their home is being repaired in light of the tornado. Orson's guilt over having run over Mike the previous season is causing him to sleepwalk...naked. Susan finds him doing so out in their front she slaps him awake. Once he realizes what is happening, he bolts out... to the wrong house, only to come back when Susan points it out.
  • In season two, after convincing her priest that a nun and her husband were having an affair, Gabby gets the nun transferred; Gabby is then confronted by said nun. This leads to an extended cat fight the church.
  • "I have a homographic memory" "Time of gay... *looks at watch*"
  • When Lynette accidentally eats a weed brownie and attempts to play charades while stoned - she has to describe "Hang 'Em High". To indicate the word hang she mimes hanging herself as tastelessly as possible, then begins to point at Edie, who just had a rather humiliating public suicide attempt. Tom eventually gets it, causing Lynette to celebrate while everyone else stands there horrified.
  • In season 6, after the plane crash, Orson decides to take revenge on Bree since he's in a wheelchair now. So he stops bathing for a whole week. Finally, Bree snaps.
    Bree: The door stays open.
    Orson: I want it closed.
    Bree: No! You. Stink!
    Orson: And you're a whore! Here's the difference: I can get clean.
    • An exhausted Bree then carries him to the garden and washes him with the hose.
  • Susan and Gabby have a talk about how Gabby's daughter is a bit chubby, which former model Gabby doesn't like.
    Gabrielle: Are you saying my daughter is fat for her age?
    Susan: She's fat for your age.
  • Susan is talking to Gabby about how she thinks that she slept with Lee, though she doesn't say who it is. Lee's husband, Bob, comes over, asking where Lee had been the night before. Gabby puts two and two together and drops her glass and tries to hide her laughter. Then the kicker, causing Gabby to about die of laughter.
    Bob: When Lee gets a few drinks in him, he'll bang anything with a pulse and facial hair.
  • Lynette pretends to be a teenage girl online to keep an eye on who one of her twins is chatting with. Her son proceeds to fall in love with this persona, and when Tom finds out: "Could you let him know before he kills me and blinds himself?"
  • Lynette starts to storm upstairs after Tom says she's "banned" from the opening of his pizzeria.
    Tom: So...we're not having sex?
    Lynette: Hey, you banned me from your opening!
  • From a scene where Bree and Orson are trying to find a house for Orson's mom.
    Bree: We can't let her live there! There are crack heads and prostitutes.
    Orson: And we'll apologize to them later; right now we need to get her out of our house.
  • The look on Mike's face when he gets hit on by a Hollywood Pudgy Teri Hatcher.
  • Carlos explaining to Juanita (his daughter) about what happened to Juanita (his mother). Little Juanita winds up thinking that Bree killed their grandmother. The Solis girl's subsequent reactions for the rest of the episode are hysterical, but special mention goes to Celia's expression when Juanita tells her that "Bree killed Grandma".
  • Susan discovering MJ isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Particularly when she and Mike watch him struggle to get his hand out of a jar for a good 30 seconds before finally figuring it out, only for their relief to be short-lived, as Susan quickly notices:
    Susan: Oh no! He's got a knife and he's heading to the toaster!
  • The episode with the working mother at Lynette's office who still breast-feeds her five year old culminates in Lynette playing drug dealer with chocolate milk as the drug.
  • Susan trying to tell her mailman she's not interested in him: "Tuesday is no good! Tuesday is the day I... become a lesbian!"
  • In the series finale when the girls are headed to Renee's wedding and Renee goes full Bridezilla, bossing them around:
    Gaby: Okay, you know what, Renee? I know this is your day, but it's only 10:00 and you're already a huge pain in the ass!
    Renee: Well then I'm running late. I should have been a huge pain in the ass by 9:00!
  • In "Listen to the Rain on the Roof", Lynette has to get an entire party out of her house and move it to Gabrielle's house without Nora noticing. Across the street Edie is showing a couple a house. The couple wants a quiet place for their retirement. She looks outside and sees an entire kids' party, pony, clown and all, running down the street.
  • Susan inherits something from Karl after his death. He left her a share in... a strip club.
    • Then there's the whole arc where she gets pissed that Mike often comes there to repair stuff... and she decides to pole-dance and strip to provoke him.
  • The entirety of Carlos and Gaby's divorce subplot in "Like it Was".
    • Carlos uses the excuse of being financially squeezed by Gaby to move back in with her.
      Gabrielle: Carlos, what are you doing here? I mean, besides lowering my property value.
      Carlos: I had a little news, and I wanted to see your face when I delivered it.
      Gabrielle: Oh.
      Carlos: I'm tired of fighting, so I called my lawyer and told him to give in to your demands for spousal support.
      Gabrielle: [surprised] Really? Wow. Well, thank you. [beat] Okay, you've seen my face. Now you can beat it.
      Carlos: Wait, there's more. Since I'm gonna be giving you all that money, I have to cut back on some stuff, like the rent on my apartment. But the good news is, according to my lawyer, I'm completely within my rights to do this. [Carlos pops his trunk and pulls out a suitcase] Honey, I'm home. [He starts to carry his suitcase inside]
      Gabrielle: [with a You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! face] Wait! You can't stay here!
      Carlos: [triumphantly] Now there's the face that I was looking for.
    • While Gaby is having coffee with Lynette and Bree, Carlos walks into the kitchen wearing a shirt and underwear but no pants to grab a drink from the fridge.
      Bree: Gaby, are you and Carlos getting back together?
      Gabrielle: Why?
      [Bree points to Carlos, who's bending over as he looks in the fridge, giving Lynette and Bree a nice view of his posterior]
      Gabrielle: Would you excuse me?
      [Gabrielle crosses the kitchen to confront Carlos]
      Gabrielle: What are you doing? I told you I was having friends over!
      Carlos: I'm thirsty! And this is my kitchen, too. [to Lynette and Bree] Hey, ladies!
      Gabrielle: Oh, for God's sake, put some pants on!
      Carlos: Well, I wanted to! But somebody threw my laundry out of the dryer while it was still wet.
      Gabrielle: Don't act like you didn't deserve that.
      Carlos: What are you talking about?
      Gabrielle: You peed in my shampoo! Admit it!
      Carlos: What?
      Gabrielle: Yeah, the cap was loose, and I know how your sick mind works.
      Carlos: Oh, really? Well, in that case, you should know that if I was gonna do something like that, I wouldn't do it to your shampoo. I would do it to your mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee. [to Lynette and Bree] Ladies. [leaves]
      Gabrielle: [to Bree] To answer your question: no, we are not getting back together. [Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle pick up their coffee cups, hesitate, then put them all down without drinking from them]
    • While Carlos is out, Gaby changes the locks on him because "you never know when someone might move in on you when you're not looking." He simply breaks in by throwing a chair through the window while Gaby calmly picks up the phone to call the police.
      Gabrielle: Hello? There's an intruder breaking into my home. [Carlos throws the chair through the window] Can you tell them to come armed? I think he's Mexican.
    • When the police arrive, Gaby tries to get them to arrest Carlos, to no avail.
      Carlos: I'm telling you, I'm her husband. I bought her this house. My name is on the deed.
      Officer Reade: Ma'am, if you're married, it's a matter of public record. I can find out very quickly.
      Gabrielle: [puts down her drink] All right, but we're going through a very messy divorce, and he moved back in on me. And everyone knows the wife keeps the house and the husband gets the crappy apartment. It's the American way.
      Carlos: Call my lawyer. This is all totally legal and she knows it. She's just trying to get back at me.
      Officer Reade: I hear that. You wouldn't believe the stuff my wife pulled when we split. [He gestures for his partner to remove Carlos' handcuffs]
      Gabrielle: [shocked] Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't take sides! Police officers aren't allowed to take sides. I pay your salary! [She swats Officer Reade's shoulder]
      Officer Reade: Ted, did you see that? This lady just assaulted me.
      Gabrielle: Oh. It was a swat. Ted, does this hurt? [She swats at the other officer. Cut to Gabrielle being hauled out of the house in handcuffs while Carlos stands on the front porch with a smug look on his face]
  • Bob and Lee's Halloween party in "Now I Know, Don't Be Scared".
    • Katherine and Adam attend the party as Marie Antoinette and Frankenstein's monster. Lee pokes fun at how Katherine's costume seems appropriate in light of her losing her battle with them regarding the removal of their fountain.
      Lee: You came as a self-important queen who lost all her power. Isn't that a bit on the nose? [leaves]
      Katherine: Lee making jokes about a queen. Isn't that a bit ironic?
      Adam: [growls in agreement]
    • Andrew attends the party as Cher.
      Andrew: It was my mom's idea. You know, the woman who freaked when she found out I was gay?
    • Tired of being cooped up in the house so that no one finds out about her pregnancy, Danielle decides to attend the party dressed as Bree, having taken her mother's words from earlier in the episode ("You always say [you're nothing like me] like it's something to be proud of. But the day I see even a glimmer of myself in you is the day that I realize you've finally started to grow up") quite literally.
      Bree: I expressly forbid her from coming tonight. Who does she think she is?!
      Orson: Apparently, you.
    • Danielle is so committed to the role she even imitates her mom's mannerisms when Julie approaches her.
      Julie: Danielle, you're back!
      Danielle: I'm not Danielle. I am Bree Van de Kamp-Hodge.
      [Julie laughs and moves to hug Danielle]
      Danielle: Oh, no, no, no. No hugs, please. I'm uncomfortable with needless displays of emotion.
      Julie: Your costume looks great. It's so real. [Julie puts her hand on Danielle's baby bump] Ooh, I could swear I felt a kick!
      Danielle: [to her bump] You stop that, Baby Hodge. We do not kick people, unless they're servants. [Bree and Orson come over]
      Julie: Why didn't you tell me she was home?
      Bree: Oh, it's just a quick visit. She's driving back tomorrow.
      Julie: To Switzerland?
    • Mrs. McCluskey (who is dressed as a witch) doesn't immediately figure out Danielle's costume until Danielle uses her "Bree" voice.
      Karen: Danielle? Who are you supposed to be?
      Danielle: Really, Karen, I don't think our Lord is amused when we make light of witchcraft, and you might use a coaster. [leaves]
      Karen: [to Bree] Oh! I get it. She's you.
    • As Danielle mingles with Andrew, Julie, and Dylan, Andrew decides to ask his sister what she wants to name her baby.
      Andrew: So, Bree, have you picked a name for the baby yet?
      Danielle: Not yet. But I'm thinking "You're Not Good Enough" if it's a boy, and "You'll Always Disappoint Me" if it's a girl.
    • Just as Bree is about to put an stop to Danielle's act and drag her back home, her water breaks, ruining Bob and Lee's rug.
      Bree: [quietly] Oh, dear heavenly Lord...
      Bob: Hey, what happened to my rug?
      Bree: [forces a smile] Danielle! We agreed to save that till the end of the night! [to Bob] The best part of the costume, and she pops the water balloon when people aren't even looking!
    • The Van de Kamp-Hodge group quickly hurry Danielle back home. Orson tries to take charge once they get Danielle into the house.
      Orson: Andrew, take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels, boil some water. Everything is gonna be fine. I'm a doctor.
      Bree: You're a dentist! What if there are complications?
      Orson: Should an emergency arise we'll simply call an amulet.
      Bree: A what?
      Orson: Ambulance.
      Bree: How many rum punches did you have?
      Orson: There was punch in that rum?
    • Bree hurries back to the party and grabs Adam so he can assist them. Danielle's baby finally emerges from the womb just as the Scavo kids turn up at their door, leading them to think her screams of pain are a prerecorded tape set up to scare them off. They go around the side of the house, just in time to see Adam holding little Benjamin in his arms. When he takes notice of them, they scream and run away.