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Funny / Conan the Barbarian

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  • In 'Rogues in the House': While the house's Evil Genius is about to activate a trap on one of Conan's buddies, Conan 'grabs the nearest bar stool and throws it, cracking the villain's skull open'. He then makes a remark and goes back to his drinking
  • Another one in 'Rogues in the House' is the manner in how Conan is ultimately caught by the guards. He flees from them while drunk, and runs into the door frame so hard, he knocks himself out! (This is our Invincible Hero?)
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  • Conan's comment at the end of "The Slithering Shadow," when his Girl of the Story says the trouble was his fault for looking so long and admiringly at a Stygian woman who then decided to Murder the Hypotenuse:
    "Did I tell the Stygian to fall in love with me? After all, she was only human!"
  • In Black Colossus, Princess Yasmela decides to put Conan in charge of her army. She summons the nobles to her, gives a speech about how she's chosen who will lead her armies, and pulls back a curtain:
    It was perhaps not an entirely happy moment for the disclosure. Conan was sprawled in his chair, his feet propped on the ebony table, busily engaged in gnawing a beef-bone which he gripped firmly at both hands. He glanced casually at the astounded nobles...
  • The ending of "The Scarlet Citadel", where Conan, after an epic adventure of imprisonment, encounters with monsters, escape, and winning his kingdom back from a usurper witnesses his ally Pelias' magical revenge on Tsotha-Lanti and essentially reacts with I Need a Freaking Drink.
  • Possibly an unintentional one, but in "Queen of the Black Coast", Conan realises that he's standing under a black lotus and is being drugged by its scent. What does he do? Go away? Hold his breath? No, he attacks the flower with his sword.
    • Earlier in the story, Conan's already low supply of fucks to give about civilization, courts, and other irrelevant things runs out. The events themselves are more fitting for the Awesome page, but the hilariously contemptuous and blazé manner in which Conan talks about them puts this quote here:
    "Well, last night in a tavern, a captain in the king's guard offered violence to the sweetheart of a young soldier, who naturally ran him through. But it seems there is some cursed law against killing guardsmen, and the boy and his girl fled away. It was bruited about that I was seen with them, and so today I was haled into court, and a judge asked me where the lad had gone. I replied that since he was a friend of mine, I could not betray him. Then the court waxed wroth, and the judge talked a great deal about my duty to the state, and society, and other things I did not understand, and bade me tell where my friend had flown. By this time I was becoming wrathful myself, for I had explained my position.

    But I choked my ire and held my peace, and the judge squalled that I had shown contempt for the court, and that I should be hurled into a dungeon to rot until I betrayed my friend. So then, seeing they were all mad, I drew my sword and cleft the judge's skull; then I cut my way out of the court, and seeing the high constable's stallion tied near by, I rode for the wharfs, where I thought to find a ship bound for foreign parts."
  • In The Vale of Lost Women, Conan has said he won't hold the Girl of the Week to her promise to sleep with him in exchange for rescuing her, and will instead send her home. The girl is so happy she hugs Conan's knees. Conan is embarrassed, and doesn't get why she's so happy.
    Conan: Crom, girl, don't do that; you'd think I was doing you a favor by kicking you out of this country; haven't I explained that you're not the proper woman for the warchief of the Bamula's?



  • In one of the later Savage Sword of Conan stories, Conan's pirate crew has been captured and taken prisoner at a port city in Kush. When taken to the royal court, he notices the queen "giving him the eye." Conan is later tossed in a cell with the demon Imhotep, a former ally who has been enchanted to resemble a human. He remarks to the demon when the guards appear outside that they have likely arrived to take Conan to the queen's chambers, and if he manages to escape, he "may" come back to free the demon. It then turns out that the guards are there for Imhotep, who is the queen's lover. As Imhotep is being escorted out, he turns to Conan and tells Conan not to worry, "as I may come back for you."